All Douche-Bags Go To Heaven

      This is beyond awesome! After detention, I got to witness the most awesome thing ever!

    The spaz out between Lucinda and Jake happened on a Friday afternoon right after Jake’s football practice. The two stood in the hallway when I walked out of detention. I couldn’t resist the urge to immediately retrieve to a hiding spot.

      Lucinda was swinging a thong in Jake’s face yelling, “whose are these?”

    “Babe, I don’t know where they came from,” he replied. “I swear.”

      “You won’t able to lie your way out of this one, Jake,” Lucinda replied angrily. “What the hell’s going on between you and this chick?”

    “There….uhhhh”

    “I don’t want to hear it, Jake. I have a game today. We’ll talk about this later,” Lucinda said, dropping the thong at his feet.

    Lucinda walked away and Jake stood there, dumbfounded. He then looked around before picking up the panties and lifting them to his nose.

     “Sweetest bitch I ever had,” he said with a laugh before walking off.

     When he said that, I wanted to kill him. Literally. I didn’t understand how Jake could cheat on someone like Lucinda. She was all I guy could want. Why the **** would anyone want to throw that away?

        As I thought about this, my phone vibrated. I pulled it out my pocket to see I had a text from Andreas.

          Come back home for our homecoming! Jenna wants to meet u. Did I mention she’s my d8? =)

      I closed my phone not bothering to reply now and pushed open the school doors, beginning my walk home.

     ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

   This sucks. Guess who was at my house when I get there? Jake. Tom invited him over for video games and pizza. Well at least that’s what he told Jorge. But in Tom’s mind, ‘video games and pizza’ meant booze, cigarettes, music, a bunch of jocks, and girls. I walked into the bedroom slowly, avoiding the urge to pick up the huge rock in front of our lawn and throw it at Jake’s black Porsche.

     “Hey, Bill,” Tom said as I set my back pack on the floor.

    “Sup, Kaulitz,” Jake said nodding his head at me.

     I waved slightly rolling my eyes and got my lap top out my bag.

    Before anyone could say anything else, Jorge cracked open the door.
   “I’ll see you guys later,” he said. “Nicole and I are going out for the night.”

    Tom nodded and I waved. When the door shut behind Jorge and we could see out the window that he and Nicole were pulling off, Jake stood up quickly.

    “Well I’ll call the guys and the babes,” he said to Tom, “and you get the smokes and the booze.”

    “No prob, dude,” Tom replied. “Dad always leaves the cabinet unlocked. Make sure everyone parks around the corner and nowhere near my house.”

    Jake smirked before pulling out his blackberry.

    I kept my eyes glued to the computer trying to be as unnoticeable as possible.

   So there was going to be a party. Here. Tonight. I know I wasn’t exactly invited but I knew who would be. What I don’t know is if she’ll show after she blew off Jake earlier. I wonder if they ever had that ‘discussion’ about the thong. I guessed not because I saw the purple underwear hanging out the pocket of Jake’s jeans.

     “Hey, Bill,” Tom said, “we’ll be downstairs. Cover if dad or Nicole calls.”

    “Sure,” I said.

      The party had been going on for about two hours now and there was still no sign of Lucinda. Jake’s been chugging down beer after beer, smoke after smoke, **** after ****, tit after tit, and I’ve been sitting upstairs thinking about my worst enemy’s girlfriend, sneaking up and down the stairs looking at the front door for her. Is that pitiful or what? I sighed as the house phone rang and I prayed none of the wasted kids downstairs picked it up. Luckily they didn’t and when I picked up, Jorge was on the phone.

   “Hi there, Bill,” he said. “I just need to talk to Tom a minute. I want him to get something for me.”

     “Ummm ok,” I said unsure of what to do. “I’ll get him.”

    I put the phone on mute and walked downstairs.

     Immediately, people began staring at me as if I was an alien. I pushed through the crowd and bumped into a group of jocks.

   “W’ the ****’s your problem?” the jock’s words slurred. “Watch where you’re goin’.”

    I ignored him and finally found Tom with two girls at his side.

    “Jorge’s on the phone for you,” I said to him. “Unless you want to get killed, I suggest you get upstairs now and find whatever he wants you to get.”

       Tom followed me upstairs, lighting his cigarette in one hand, and trying to balance a beer in the other.

       I took the phone off mute and handed it to him. He handed me his smoke and I pressed it to my lips. Might as well let loose since it was clear Lucinda’s wasn’t showing up.

    “You’re fifteen minutes away?”, Tom was saying now.

    Jorge said something about a special bag in his closet and Tom said he’d get it before shutting his phone.

    “What special bag?”, I asked as Tom took the cigarette back from me.

     “Nicole’s lingerie set basically,” Tom said shrugging.

    “What? How can you be comfortable getting that? Eww…,” I said.

     He shrugged. “Guess I’m used to it by now.”

     He started walking back downstairs.

    “Hey, aren’t you going to get the bag?” I asked.

     “More chicks are here,” Tom said, heading to front door.

     I followed behind him slowly, stopping right at the top of the stairs and hiding behind the wall right next to it.

      Tom opened the door, arms outstretched and I immediately recognized Haley Rodriguez, Sheila Conrad and Lucinda. The trinity. And I stood up there hiding, like a big dork.

      Sheila and Haley both wrapped their arms around Tom and shortly after, Lucinda joined in the group hug.

       “Where’s the beer?”, Haley said as Sheila stood next to Tom feeling on his chest.

        “Right here, ladies,” Jake suddenly appeared with two beers and a champagne bottle in his hands.

    I rolled my eyes as he handed the whole champagne bottle to Lucinda. I watched as she brought it to her perfect lips and sucked it down like it was water.

      Half of it was gone when she stopped for breathe.

   “Whoa, slow down there,” Tom said. “How am I going to explain this half empty bottle to my dad?”

     Lucinda laughed before throwing herself at Jake.

    “Hey,” she said, bringing his lips to hers for a kiss.

   They made out for a brief time that felt like forever before some kids yelled:

   “There’s five rooms upstairs! Go **** in there!”

     They all followed the rest of the crowd into the living room and Sheila didn’t leave Tom’s side not even for a second.

       I walked back to my room trying to ignore the sulky feeling I had after I watched Lucinda and Jake make out. I mean, I thought things were looking up. Lucinda and Jake were just fighting earlier. I totally thought they were on the verge of breaking up. They should be. Why couldn’t Lucinda see what a douche he is?

       I lay down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. I was about to finally text Andreas when there was a knock on my door. I got up and opened it and there was my dream girl. Except she wasn’t in the best condition. Her eyes were half opened half closed, her make-up smeared and she looked like she’d pass out any second. And even then she still looked like the most beautiful girl to me.

       “Hi,” I said smiling.

    Her mouth opened and to me she was about to say,

“I broke up with Jake, Bill. I’m so sad. Comfort me…. ”

    Yeah, broken hearted chicks do anything. And that might have been my only shot to make my dreams come true. Too bad it’s only a fantasy.

  I perked up to hear her actually words but as her mouth opened, her words were cut off abruptly as she bent over, and threw up all over me. I stood there in shock as she pushed her hair that got mixed in with the vomit roughly out her face and looked up at me.

   “Hi.”

    I frowned and looked down at my sneakers, covered in Lucinda Garcia’s vomit.

    “What the hell’s going on up here?”

    Tom suddenly appeared with Jake by his side, a freshly lit cigarette in his hand.

    But no one, including me, didn’t have time to say anything else because immediately after, lights filled the driveway. Jorge was home. I ran to the window and watched as Nicole got out the car, Jorge following.

     “Give me that!,” I said, snatching the smoke and the lighter from Jake’s hand and threw it out the window.

    “Ow!,” I heard Nicole yell from outside, “Babe! Ow! It burns!”

       Tom ran downstairs to warn the crowd but it was way too late.