Discussion of "TSNK Chapter 9: The Man With the Plan ***Revised***" by xvoorheesx

Well, I think you got most of the contentious parts fixed, although there is still at least one POV issue, though very brief. I transferred my vote to this version! Again, excellent job and I wish you good luck in the final voting!!

Thanks WW! Can you please point out that POV issue you speak of?! I read and re-read it and could've sworn I picked up on them all.

My bad, xvoorheesx. The paragraph that begins with, "Charlie carried my flaccid body....." was what I was looking at because in an earlier version Adara was unconscious and therefore unable to narrate. But, you fixed that and I missed it. No POV issues and I apologize for causing you to hunt for it...;o).

Its all gravy! Thanks a lot for your help!

Very good chapter. Great pace, convincing continuation. I enjoyed it very much.

Thanks Blackhand! Im really glad you liked it!

Overall I thought this was good but a couple of things confused me. Dr. Lipscomb says he’ll kill Paige if Adara doesn’t comply, but she and Charlie both heard Franco on the phone so they both know Paige has been found. But do they know that Jimmy is controlling Methra and having her bring Paige back to them? No. How would they? So the Doc and Charlie (as far as they know) have no bargaining chip. Right? Which Adara should know too and that totally gives her the upper hand. There’s some funky plot stuff going on there that I think you could have handled better. I have trouble with Charlie’s motivation too. He insists he loves Paige… so why is he going along with this? If he’s just being sarcastic when he says that, I missed it sorry. Why does Dr L. call Jimmy a “subject”? And what does he mean by unstoppable? Are they planning a Fort Knox heist or something? It’s all a little comic book-ish. I could totally picture the hunched over doctor in elbow length black rubber gloves with his slobbering henchman at his side while Jimmy shivers in the inset with little thought bubbles over his head. Which isn’t a bad thing at all, it just doesn’t fit with the rest of the story. SOO… Overall, it isn’t bad writing, but I think you could have thought it out a little better.

Thanks honey. I really thought that it was obvious that Lipscomb, Jimmy and Charlie are working together, which is why Jimmy took over Methra's body to help bring Paige to them, which means of course they would know that Paige will was being brought to them. And Adara still doesn't know where Paige is...which I also thought was obvious. Charlie's motivation could be a little suspect, but not outlandish. And comic book-ish?! I'm sorry but it's no more than what the rest of the story has become. With 90% of the characters now with "powers", I thought a few chapters back that this was beginning to read like the X-Men. Dr. Lipscomb refers to Jimmy as his subject, because Lipscomb was the one who helped Jimmy control his gift. Obviously (well, to me, anyway), there are more than just Adara and Jimmy with powers and when Lipscomb realized that Jimmy had a gift, he decided to help him, and people alike, to control their gift. Well...sorry I didn't make everything more obvious to the reader...its definitely something I'll work on for Chapter 10. Thanks!

Well done! You've addressed the issues I pointed out in the first draft, and things make a lot more sense here. I'm still unsure how Lipscomb became such an expert on these Gifts, but at least you've explained how Jimmy plans to use Adara's gift of precognition to escape. That's a very creative twist that makes sense, even if a little far-fetched. I have some minor issues with the flow of dialogue and action - for example Adara says she tried her best not to piss Charlie off, but then she's anything but compliant. Her flashback to the waitress was jolting, and the scene with Lipscomb seemed a bit cliched with her being suddenly buckled down in a blood-stained chair in a cement room. Then the bad guy filling Adara in on his plan. These things took me out of the action a bit, so I'm bringing them up. Otherwise, a solid entry from an author well-versed in the story. 4.2

Thanks wolfram! I'm glad I had time to address the situations in the original and fix them for the revised. I would've loved if Lipscomb was touched on more a little earlier than Chapter 9 but I still feel that he's the most logical connection between Jimmy and Adara. Anyway...thanks again!

This is a very chilling chapter and, for the most part, well written. There are a couple things I wonder about, tho...if how did Dr. Lipscomb meet Jimmy initially? What was their connection? And if JImmy has such phenomenal powers, as he has had the whole time, I don't understand why he couldn't have freed himself — why is Adara needed? One other quick thing — the Methra turn around happens too quickly (a bit jarring).

Thank you holly for the kind words! My Chapter 8 entry had a prison break for Jimmy but it seemed like people weren't buying the fact that he could do it on his own. His and Adara's powers are different, yet if they were combined would be extremely powerful. This led to A. a motive and B. a chance for both Jimmy and Adara to have their showdown in each others' heads. I supposed I could've spent a little more time on Methra, but I still think it caught the readers off guard (most of them anyway!). And as wolf explained in his commment, it was a little cliche for the bad guy to be spilling it all at once, which I was aware of at the time I was writing, so I held some stuff back for Chapter 10, like Dr. Lipsomb's and Jimmy's real connection and how they got involved with each other. Well...thanks again!

Good job picking up where the last chapter left off!

Great writing style. Your dialogue is good, and your exposition flows really well.

I'm slightly thrown off by the revelation that Charlie was an abusive husband. I feel as though this kind of important details would have/should have been revealed in an earlier chapter.

While I appreciate the flashback, I'm not crazy about how Adara let her gift slip out to Charlie. I can't put my finger on why I don't like it. It just hit me the wrong way.

I wish that we had more history about why Dr. Lipscomb and Charlie are so set on freeing Jimmy from jail. We know that they think he's a gift from God, but we need more insight.

I am also thrown back by the fact that Charlie seems so willing to kill Paige if Adara refuses to help. I know he's a bastard, but that's just a little too nuts.

Good ending! I like that Jimmy is using Methra--adds a nice little twist :)

Thanks so much Katrina for the kind words! Charlie was pretty much forgotten about for most of the story and I would guess that 95% of the readers picture him as an abusive husband (I'm not sure why and it is a shame). Other than that...maybe Charlie is bluffing??? I think it leaves some really nice options for an exciting Chapter 10! Thanks again!