Discussion of "October Chill: In-between" by xfionax

Any Comments?

Not a bad addition... I felt that it was a little choppy and slow-moving in a few parts and there are some minor grammatical errors, but over-all it was a good read and a great new direction to take the original...

Besides Short Stories for Hell, I have to believe October Chill has the most descendants. It's getting to the stage where it's difficult separating one from another, and that's coming from one of the "nine."

Your installment maintains the feel of the original chapter. Somewhere between spooky and creepy without being overtly horrific. There's a supernatural twinge - nicely portrayed in Christian's vision - and it has enough happening to keep interest without getting carried away.

Some nits - Back-to-back analogies rarely work. Either it's like a rogue piece of lint or like a soaked shirt. One is sharp; two is one too many. What's more: though Christian couldn't shake the Preacher's smell, he stopped washing his clothes? I understand depression sapping energy and prompting potato-ness, but it was oddly juxtaposed. He's depressed because of the Preacher, but he deliberately skips something that should help erase that trace of memory.

He stopped eating and drinking? For how long? If he's trying to destroy himself, it's a very passive way of doing so. Typically, men have a tendency to be more violent in their self-destruction. Christian knows what's haunting him, but his solution is to... stop. That's all. He stops washing his clothes. Stops eating and drinking. If he wants to clear his mind (and tongue) from the Preacher, alternative means would prove more fruitful. Alcohol's the quick answer, but there are other options. Makes me wonder when the accident happened.

(To be completely candid, it reminded me of OC: Mary the way she didn't feel comfortable driving a vehicle, then the husband wallows in self-blame. I'm unsure whether I should be flattered, annoyed, or bypass it as coincidence.)

Why would Christian care who else in town the Preacher had visited? First things first? Really? I'd think - if he was serious about making a change - a meal would take top priority.

In the interest of transparency, I voted for your story and I gave it a 3.