Discussion of "*Thou Shalt Not Kill -2- One Step Closer...*" by xfionax

I like the fact that the doctor is seeing things as they are happening...more of in a light trance than during full sleep mode. I would have liked to see her stay "inside" the girl, connect more....see some more development or the actual murder.

I like the idea of her getting one step closer to the killer. I like your writing style a lot. From your words, I could create some pretty good visuals. I had wished for more of a transistion form the original work.

I see what you are saying Persephonie... I didn't know if I wanted to fully finish this part of the story. I tried to keep going but I kind of just wanted to leave it up to the next person to decide if she would actually 'meet' the killer. I also didn't want to weigh the story down with the murder. That kind of was already covered by your chapter. We know how he kills. Plus I feel that right now isn't the time for Adara to try to stop the murders. The way you set up the first chapter would lead me to believe that in her whole life she has never been able to save someone, so why, in the second chapter, should she all of a sudden figure it all out? you know?

Anyways..thanks powerfulpen. I didn't even realize I did that. thanks for bringing it to my attention ;)

I like the direction you take the storyline in. However, grammar and sentence structure are highly distracting, as are a couple of features of your writing style:

“At that moment, something caught his dark, heavy eyes.” “His eyebrow twitched and he tried to look around her.” Since you are working from this character’s point of view, don’t describe him in any way. Do you ever think, while focused on something else, about specifics of your appearance? Or even think much of specifics about another person’s appearance (“This girl is a brunette.”)

Your opening is very noir, which is an interesting style but not suited to the original chapter. Also, I would have to say you went overboard describing sensory items, with no action or thought by the point-of-view character to explain why they are noticing all these details. For example, instead of “The music’s tempo began to speed up and the bass pounded in his head.” You might say something like “As the music’s temp began to speed up, he realized the pounding bass was getting into his head and making it ache.”

These problems occur throughout your chapter, which actually means I give you points for consistency in your writing. Remember the writer’s creed – Show, don’t tell.

One further quibble – you are showing the killer (assuming this is the killer, and one should never assume since it ‘makes an **** out of u and me’.) as choosing his victims by opportunity, but it seems very likely, from Persephonie’s quality beginning chapter, that he researches and chooses his victims very carefully.

Cool idea, making the club the Styx.

Silver I want to thank you. I've never gotten such a good comment that really addresses my writing style. At first I didn't understand what you meant about show, don't tell. But it seems quite obvious now what mistakes I am making. I never would have known that I was doing that, if it wasn't for you. Thank you for reading my story and taking the time to post a comment that will enhance my writing. Hopefully in the next chapter I write, I can identify these quirks and work on not doing them.