Discussion of "The Second Coming" by writerwannabe

This is amazing. I was on the edge of my seat the whole reading.
Cant wait for more....excellent work!

I love this story, absolutely flawless in my book. Smooth transitions from details to action, great flow throughout the plot, and indescribable style that moves you. I could actually see the events playing out like a movie as I read. Out-freakin-standing.

Quite impressive.

Grapefruit juice? Not grape? I know some wine I've partaken of before was bitter, but all the way to grapefruit juice? Yipe.

I think this is the kind of chapter Storymash was created for - it has action, feasibility, and a cliffhanger to write from. I'm hesitant to comment on the subtextual-threatening Jesus as it contradicts my personal faith. Without distracting believers, I think your Jesus works within your story's setting.

It's very good, but I'd like to see it smoother. Streamlined. Tighter. You have good sentence variety, but [sticking with the movie idea livesideways referenced] it could be better focused.

These were two examples that felt clunky to me:

She pushed me to the right and out of the pew into the aisle and then pulled me forward, running toward the Altar.

Well, I also noticed that she had seen Jesus, too. I looked around and saw thatseveral people in the congregation were observing the young man as he moved forward and I wondered why. Certainly, he was the only person walking around. It was obvious that he had a destination and that appeared to be the Altar.

Keep up the good writing!

In the interest of transparency, I voted for your story and I gave it a 4.

(It's the best I've read so far, but I'm leaving room for something that wows my socks off.)

Thanks for the comments, nashvillebecker. Yeah, the "grapefruit" surprised me, too but I'd already proofread and published..hahaha. Fat fingers!! I really appreciate your critique. Unlike most of the stories or chapters that I write here, "The Second Coming" is actually the draft chapters for a novel that I'm writing. Very draft chapters. So, any and all critique I can get on it are very, very welcome.
Appreciate, too, your transparency with voting. You may have read some comments elsewhere on the site. Most are not happy with the current system.

Good work. Keeps me wondering the whole time through.

Sweet - a Jesus story that isn't "born-again" religious. I like it. Has a very intense adventure feel to it. Sounds like a great start to a larger volume.

Interesting! I want more. It's like a decent version of the Davinci Code. I like the fast pace and the fact that Jesus wouldn't make any big in saying that God doesn't exist. I do want to hear that explanation though, so what happened?

Thanks, Lauren! It's almost nice to see someone reading a commenting on a very old piece.

This chapter has changed radically in the novel and isn't even the opening chapter anymore...;o).

I won't be publishing the rest here on SM because of concerns about publishing rights, but I'm not against sending drafts to those that are intensely interested....lol

"almost" really, absolutely, without the slightest doubt should have been "always"....geesh! LOL

This story captured my attention all the way through. It was interesting to see a twist in what one would normally expect. All in all, I don't have much to suggest because it was brilliant. It was very consistent as well. I enjoyed reading it, keep up the good writing. =)

Wow, you opened your work here on SM with a real bang... Great chapter, WWB. History, philosophy and true faith vs religion, am I correct? I am glad you haven't posted more of this so that you can retain all your rights. I am also curious where you are taking this theme and your novel. If you are ever interested in a "faith based but not religious" point of view, let me know and I'll take a look at it for you. :D

That was awesome. I don't know how religious you actually are, but this is something like how I imagine the second coming will eventually be. I mean, I think he'll use media, like tv and whatnot, to talk to the world. Very cool story, however old. I didn't know which of your stories to read, so I just found the first. Please let me know which I should read next.