Discussion of "October Chill: Mary (3)" by writerwannabe

Well, I'm not really happy about this one. I don't think I moved the story forward very much but, I hope that I left enough, at the end for a good mash. Psycho is up, I think.

Question from a newbie:

How does one jump into the story?
Is there a queue..? I hadn't thought so, but after reading this comment, I'm not so sure.

(Thanks in advance for the clarification!)

I thought you moved it along fabulously, answering the who, what, when, and why - but where is the where??? lol That's the rub. And who's at the door? Excellent.

elionwyr...welcome to SM. You are certainly welcome to mash any story/chapter you'd like, even this one.
My reference to "psycho is up.." is because several of us are running our own little game within the game, so to speak.

Sorry it took so long to comment... I have been trying to catch up as much as possible. This was a great continuation and a hard one to follow. The whole storyline is difficult to follow up on... I honestly do not feel that my addition did any justice compared to the great chapters it followed... guess that's why I kept it so short...5 to ya

Vote:3

Excellent use of mythology! Contrary to your assertion, this does indeed move the story along. I don't think anyone could deviate too much from the premise you set here and still have a decent story. If they don't continue to develop the demon/god idea, then your chapter would stick out as not belonging, and that's not how collaboration is supposed to work.

I like the set-up you give here. You've now put the story squarely in the horror/thriller genre. I think this revelation comes at just the right time. There is still a lot of potential for different developments, but we sort of see where its going. The story needed something like this to keep the reader's interest.

I really hate voting... I love your plot development here, but I docked you for a couple of reasons:

1. A little rushed in the style, kind of an info-dump. Not bad, but probably could use a little work on the execution.

2. I thought the Amish guy should have a stronger reaction to the "raising of a God" idea. He's a religious man, so I think he should have condemned the "preacher's" blaspheme and mentioned something about Christ protecting the faithful from evil (or something like that). He might also wonder if these ideas are common in the outside world and ask about it. After all, you have him not knowing about Halloween, so his community is very isolated. I think he would be shocked and wonder if the whole outside world is full of satanists or something.

Still a good chapter, but in a contest I feel compelled to differentiate between "good" "great" and "excellent".

Thanks, Raven. I didn't "feel right" about this one when I published -- something was missing but I didn't know what (and didn't take the time to really look). So, you're right on the money in your comments. I really should have spent more time on the Amish leader..sigh.. It'll be interesting to see what happens!

I know the feeling- sometimes something I write just doesn't "click". Psycho gave your ideas a nice little nudge, then I predictably spent a thousand words on character development :)

I have to say, all in all, for something cobbled together like Frankenstein's monster, this storyline isn't bad. I'm actually having fun with this project... very much looking forward to what people will come up with.

I'm surprised at how people are able to let the story come first. Usually collaborative stuff involves everybody trying to turn their chapter into their own personal vision.

The fact that this was organized by by people who agreed to take certain chapters is probably the difference.

Maybe we should take the highest voted storyline, publish it, and donate the proceeds to charity (because splitting them up between so many people would be more hassle than it's worth). It would be an interesting enough gimmick it might just work :)

WWB –
I thought you did a fantastic job of giving this a direction. I noted on a few of your OC submissions you have taken that role, as far as storyline development from characters doing research. Not one of my strong points. I tend to just write in the moment, letting the **** hit the fan so to speak and then landing wherever it may for the next masher to clean up. Hardee-har. Seriously, it’s great that you have done that here in order to create a dimension to this story and allow the rest of the group to develop it from there. And I absolutely love the dark, evil details you’ve given us. Sa’Awen…hunting down trapped souls and devouring them. Gaining strength all through the years…waiting for the right time…the right descendant to be born and satisfy his families’ debt to HELL and set him free to roam the earth.
Chilling dude.
Big fat freakin’ evil 5.
Oh…I did want to agree with Raven about Amos’s reaction though. Could have been more shocked and disbelieving…

This was a good chapter, good continuation...LOVED the idea of Sa'Awen. You WWB are one of my favorites....