Discussion of "Jerry's Adventure - Repost" by writerwannabe

Ok, WWB. I commented on the initial posting of this chapter, but I guess I'll add something here, too.

I liked how Jerry's awkwardness comes across, even though he says he's comfortable. The dialogue also worked well.

I tried to keep the tone you started, but added some new elements.

Thanks, DJ. I've read and commented on your chapter - great writing! ;o)

Rewrite - good. Awkwardness - great. Geeze I wouldn't want to be in his shoes factor - awesome.

As always, WWB, great chapter!

Jerry has become a real character to me. You have done a great job bringing him to life. I can see that Jerry's Adventures could be endless, one right after another...adventures in everyday life from the viewpoint of the awkwardly lovable.

Poor Jerry, like a duck out of water! lol I loved the salesperson character, straight forward and blunt, perfect match to his ackwardness.

Late in reading, but I liked it. I enjoyed how he tried to play it slick, parking at a distance and sneaking in, then goes downhill from there :)

WWB, not only was this some great writing on your part, but I have to take my hat off to djinn for picking this one.

First of all, LOVE the opening. Starting with the truck in that manner was a very subtle but interest-grabbing way of introducing the character and giving a very specific insight into his nature, while endearing him to us at the same time. As other people have mentioned, the awkwardness was well played, as was Gel's teasing. That kind of thing can get over the top easily, but I think you walked a fine line and did an admirable job.

You just HAD to write about a sex shop didn't you? You're getting a slap for that one -- I tried to do research (what? I've never been in a sex shop before!!) and had to give up because I was giggling so hard.

Great dialogue, that kind of awkwardness can be hard to vocalize without sounding forced, but once again you were up to the job. And great ending note. All around great chapter.

WWB --

I, for one, would like to thank you for not going darker with this. It had the potential to go Pulp Fiction, but I enjoyed the tenderfootedness of Jerry as he fished out of water. There's an understated daring in him, as he easily could have hit the Walgreens for condoms - last night must have been quite a date. You walked the fine line between bravado and humility, which isn't easy. Nice job.

I'm curious to see if/how the car comes into play. Your investment into the Bel Air has gone unmentioned since the start, and it seems like it should go somewhere. Hmm. Otherwise, it's a speed bump at the beginning and there's no need to hesitate before jumping into the story.

I wear size twelve-and-a-half shoes. When I'm not barefoot. And you're one of the few who knows what that means. This is my second favorite chapter of yours, behind Elephant Walk.

Thanks, nash!! I remember well the first time I was able to knock your socks off - I'm no less grateful for the accolade this time! ;o)