Discussion of "Thou Shalt Not Kill (5) Revised" by writerwannabe

Thanks, Crystalfoo, for some excellent comments in my original chapter 5. Readers - please move any votes you may have placed on the original chapter to this one; unless of course, you believe this version to be less worthy... lol..just kidding! Any and all votes and comments are greatly appreciated!

WW: It seems we both have the idea that Adara is going to start taking the bull by the horns so to speak, which is a good thing considering after this there will be only 4 chapters left. I really liked how you said Adara was an accessory to the murders she witnessed. That's a nice touch.
Also, I liked the casino vision at the end of your chapter (I kind of remember you including that at the end of Chapter 4 maybe? and I liked it then too). It gives an actual mission for the newfangled "team" of Adara and Paige to get to. I can see Chapter 6 having a lot of action and suspense with a climactic showdown at the Golden Nugget.
Anyway, good job and good luck this round!

Thanks, xvoorheesx (dang, I couldn't figure out a good shortcut..xv or xvhee...lol). Yeah, I think it's time Adara took some real action and you did, too (great minds think alike?..;o). I did use the casino murder in chapter four, liked it so much and it still fit, so I used it again. Chapter 6 really could go from here to some real action...we'll see. If I'm still in the contest, and can get back to it somehow..I'll guarantee the action...lol.

Well if your chapter wins this round than I will guarantee some action in chapter 6!

LOL...deal!

Wow! This story has mushroomed. Good thing there were only ten commandments :-)
You handle first person so much better than I do, Lex. I can really sense Adara's struggle especially when it comes to protecting her daughter.

Hey, wsells! Thanks for the suhweet comment... lol.

I'm not sure I can see that much revision between the first draft and this one...? It's likely me; I will go back to the first and read again. I did notice the 'genital swapping' was cut from the end, and I think that is a good idea. It's a gruesome visual better left to sins of sexual nature. I still get that 'too-perfect-everything-fits-in-a-box' feeling from the center of the chapter. There are no real contentions with these revelations; from herself, the D.A., her family, etc. I do like the intro tho. Still that's your strongest writing in my opinion. All in all, good job WW! I commend you on your hard work!

Ah, the changes were indeed subtle, especially in the middle scene...look closely though, I followed your advice..;o)

I would like to see you win this round WWB. You get a five from me friend....

Hi writerwannabe,
I really liked the way this sort of summarized the previous chapters as well as moved the story forward. It gave the reader some time to absorb everything that's happened thus far and hint at the action to come. You could sense Adara's relief as she shared her "secret" with her family. Also loved the casino addition- of course its vegas- sin city! not so sure about the mutilation thing but that could just be my squeamishness and it does work with the previous dream images. It would seem Franco might have reacted in a more emotionally charged manner to Adara's opening up esp. re: the fact that Amelia had been a victim. I don't know if it was ever spelled out but i thought her family had some inkling of her abilities even if she didn't share the details. Lots of good momentum for the next group to pick up on, maybe a cool twist with the neighbor too!
Chloe

Many thanks, blackhand!!
Chloe: I re-read every winning chapter and couldn't find any reference to the family knowing about Adara's gift...I might have missed it and if so, it was too quick for these old eyes to catch...lol. Franco hasn't really been developed very well, to date, so I went with my own intuition about him...the solid, quiet type...;o). Thanks a bunch for your comments!!

WWB: This was a good addition, however I don't think it's some of your best work. The whole first part of the story (and last, for that matter) being in italics threw me out of the story a bit. There were a few too many uses of "he" in the first italicized part which made it hard to follow. I like the introduction of the Inquisitions. That really tied the religious theme tighter together. The paragraph that begins with "If I were stronger..." was absolutely stunning! Very powerful, indeed! And the inclusion of the Truman quote, genius! One thing that bothered me a bit was the name of the DA. William Defoe is very similar to the actor. Not that that's a bad thing, just creates a mental image (for me, that is. Of course, I work in the movie business!:P) Mrs Doring possibly being a psychic is interesting. The paragraph where Adara tells the family all about her visions seems a little forced and stilted for me. At one point, you call Franco- Frank. Not a huge problem, but when I 'm reading along and I see that, I almost wonder if it's a new character. Overall, this is well written. My vote: 4

Thanks, EA! I've always thought that italics are used for something "off scene" or "off the main stage" or "thoughts" or "dreams". That was the intention of the first and last scenes. The center scene is the main stage. I've haven't taken a writing course of any kind since high school (probably before you were born...lol) so I could be wrong about italics. I do know that when submitting a work to publishers, they don't want italics; they want bold print where italics would normally go. Something about it being easier to read, but to me bold is even more distracting...lol. Hell, I could be wrong about that, too. I read it in an article about "how to submit to publishers" or something like that.
I very glad that you overall liked the chapter..a 4 vote is way cool. I've got to ask, though...what makes the family talk stilted or forced? In my first draft, Foo mentioned it. I re-worked it and when I proofed, I thought it sounded about like it would if I were Adara. I enjoy (well...lol) critique...it helps me improve, so if you would...please help me, here.
Thanks, again!

WWB:

I think it's mainly due to the use of the very short, definitive sentences. I guess I picture Adara more as a whole thought kind of person, so to me there would be more long drawn out sentences. Plus, the way she just kind of flung it on the family seemed a little too quick for my taste. But hey, what do I know, right? :P It could all just be my own personal opinion.

The Holy Office, huh? Very nice! Although, I haven’t seen much of an ‘Inquisition’. Father Preston seems to be more of an ambush artist. I like the idea though. Adara and Paige, apart from being on his trail, fit in to that witch craft/outsider realm so this works on a couple of different levels. The middle part seemed, I don’t know how to put it, convenient maybe? Too easy, I guess. I liked the possible conflict between Adara and Franco as Adara tried to piece everything together. It’s almost Disney-like this way, “Go Team Family!!! Now lets go catch that killer!” High fives and group hugs! And I’m also not sure why she would trust the DA if all he wanted before was to use her. Desperation maybe? I did like the casino scene though. You totally took me off guard too because I thought the doll was some kind of device for cheating and the sin would be Thou Shalt Not Steal, but you kept it supernatural and I liked that. AND I liked that Adara might finally have a chance to get ahead of the game, that is a very important move forward for the storyline.

I'm torn. I already admitted I'm a sucker for a good conspiracy - the Holy Office should suffice. The henchmen in the casino hotel were a nice touch. I like the hypnotism of Miguel and look forward to his conclusion. You handled the exposition smoothly and shifted into gear as Adara preempted the dream. Smooth work with her realizations about the Jewish Sabbath.

Something didn't grab me. I think it's the impersonal victims. You wrote them well, but who the heck were they and why should I care if/how they're entangled in this web? They felt like Enterprise ensigns. Here they are; there they went.

Debating whether it needed more push into action. Can't decide. 3.5

Dang it! One of these days, before I'm old and gray...wait, I'm already old and gray; before I hit the box, then, I'm gonna knock those socks off your feet, Nash...lol. You shouldn't care about the casino victims. Their only role in the story was to introduce and link the Holy Office conspiracy. The scene itself gave Adara the dream she needed to get ahead. This is a plot driven story (I think) and it's time for the chase to begin. Until Adara gets the authorities involved and a clue to where to start looking the chase can't get started.
Honeygloom / Expressionarchitect: I'm guessing that gender is playing at least a small role in your issues with the family scene...;o). I'm moving Adara around with my own thoughts for handling the situation. I confess, I can't think like a woman...lol. But, since that's the case; It would make no difference to me if the DA once wanted to use my talents for profit. The bottom line is that he is a person with strong authority in the case, he already believes in my gift and he is the best person around to help me use my gift to catch the killer(s). Also, Adara's own thinking about her gift has changed. Back then, she wanted to hide it since she couldn't get rid of it and someone wanting to exploit it would not be a person she wanted around. Now, she knows she has to use the gift or go insane with guilt, grief and maybe a dead daughter.
What's wrong with a "Disney-like" team family in a twisted, supernatural, murder mystery? LOL.
My intended key points in the family scene were to: get Adara's gift in the open, insure Paige understood that she had the gift and it's not a bad thing, totally bring Franco into the effort and develop mother and daughter as a team. I'm sure a woman could have written that scene better, if they'd even thought of it...lol. Maybe that's why the scene didn't go over well with you gals.
So, thanks very much for the comments. I'm definitely going to have to work on thinking like a woman when a lead character is one...lol. Geesh, old dogs and new tricks...I dunno!

Oh, one more thing...HG: You haven't seen much of an "Inquisition" because it's been underground until now...as it was in the 12th century (initially). If this chapter goes forward, developing that sub-plot would/should be a key ingredient in catching the leader. No, it doesn't have to be Fr.Preston, either...;o)

The previous romance between William Defoe and Adara seems a little forced...I don't know if it's really necessary to add that fact in to the story.

I would have liked to actually see the initial conversation between Defoe and Adara. This would give us an opportunity to see how they communicate with each other and what kind of dynamic exists between them.

"I was pumped up and, as Franco told me later, 'You sounded like a field marshal...' "...I could have done without this. It broke away from the "pep talk" that Adara is giving and added an over the top feel.

The vision about the victims is creepy, creepy, creepy! However, I don't know how crazy I am about the "FLASH"s. Kind of threw me off at first.

Overall, good chapter and good job!

Katrina:
The previous romance was "touched on" to provide viability to the DA's connection and his knowing that Adara possesses the gift...otherwise, Adara would be spending a chapter or two convincing the authorities and with the number of chapters remaining, that's too much.
The dynamic between Adara and Defoe comes in the next chapter when they actually meet and she has this latest murder (not yet happened) to add.
Why did "I was pumped up and..." add an "over the top, feel"?
LOL...I would think the "FLASH" inserts obvious as breaks in her dream sequence, but maybe I should have written, "FLASH - Dream Sequence Break".
Bottom line: Much of what you would have liked to see would have been great and I would have included, were we not limited to length of chapter and number of chapters. I glossed over things to move the story forward.
Thanks for your comments....;o)

Good call--that makes sense. I guess the fact that it was a romance instead of a friendship or something hit me the wrong way...it felt to me like you were trying to create conflict between Franco and Adara where it wasn't needed. Now I understand.

The "I was pumped up and..." comment hid me as being--forgive me--slightly cheesy. More than anything, it was that Franco said she was like a general (or whatever the rest of that quote said).

LOL I understood what the "FLASH" meant--I suppose I would have preferred "***" instead of text. The actual text seemed too halting (if that makes any sense at all).

:)

Thanks for the response, Katrina. It's all OBE now, anyway...lol.
(OBE - Overcome by Events; i.e, this chapter didn't win..not even close)