Discussion of "Jerry's Adventure" by writerwannabe

In the first paragraph, I don't think you needed to mention 1957 again. It was implied when you said, "new off the show room floor". Anyway, other than that...outstanding dialoge my friend! You really had that easy flow back and forth. Good job!

teehee!

I'm the first to comment!
Nanananabooboo! ;oP

Yeah, you're right...I overdid "1957"..lol. Thanks, dkk!

think you should mention the year of the car, irt gives the personla a mental image. you could ust say it once

Good job setting up the story, creating a little tension. You are on a roll, WW.

Thanks, al. I'm really hoping someone will take this on...;o)

Oh geeze...

Well done, Wwb. I really felt for your characters, his embarrassment and her knowledgeable amusement. Great job.

Was this a sex shop? I took that it was, due to his trepidation about being seen. The exchange between the woman and our protag was well done. You have an innate ability of setting up conversations, scenerios and characters that come to life, and ring true through dialogue. His fidgeting, her prowess, it really came across. I could see it, which is the ultimate goal of any writer, to create a world. Some questions tho. If he was kind of nervous going into the sex shop, why didn't he just go to Walgreens? Or Rite Aid? Or Vons? They sell condoms. Unless he was after something more umm...complex? lol. And he just said condoms because the girl decided to help? Anyways, lot of options here. I give it a 4.

You're right, Baz, creating a world in which anyone can feel comfortable, or scared shitless...is the goal...;o).

Could be that he was looking for something other than a condom, something more sinister or depraved. Or...he's just a rube and doesn't know that condoms can be had elsewhere...OR, he's never been in a sex shop and just wanted to see what's up? I don't know, because I didn't plan out that far...lol.

Thanks, mucho for the comments and vote...;o)

You have that skill, making your character believeable, and putting him in a situation we can all SEE...very visual and it always rings true...you are gifted my friend

I love it! Leave it WWB for his best piece to be about when he visited the porn shop last week! 4.5 out of 5. I will say I agree with the 1957 comments stated earlier as I had no clue where this was going the first two paragraphs, but overall very !que excellente!

LMAO...hey, WBS, where ya been? Thanks for the comment and the high vote...;o).

Now, let me go see if you've got anything new up..

Oh man, this was so freaking awesome wwb. I know I shouldn’t be…but for some reason I am just blown away. You really nailed the dialogue. Really, really nailed it. Figuring out early on it was some class of sex shop, I was able to completely fall into the scene.
Great job.
And my new word of the day is… Circuitous !

My goodness, the size of your talent is certainly impressive. I love how awkward Jerry is. And a fitting? Lucky boy;)

Thanks, so much, dog and honey! You guys really flatter me and I LOVE it because I am such a fan of the two of you!

Very...interesting characters and plotline. I loved the girl at the shop. Her reactions to him was hilarious. Great fun and wonderful read WWB.

Thank you, LL...;o)

Great piece in every way. Can't wait for the next chapter.

Thank you, yur1 and welcome to SM!

That was so much fun to read! Like dog said, the dialogue was excellent and very natural sounding. Occasionally my stoner friends will drag me into a "head shop" and amongst the drug parahpernalia there are some things that can make ME blush. I can relate to this in that way

Thanks, ORL! I'm likin' what I've seen from you since your return, too....;o)

thank you very much, kind sir

Hey Writer, this is a great story! You've created a very believable character. The lovable but hopeless dork was so much fun to read about!

Thanks, RG...;o)

Feel free to mash. It doesn't look like I'm gonna be able to get back to it for awhile (if at all)!

I thought it was very funny , especially the unexpected ending . Loved it !

WWb, I have no idea how I missed this when you initially posted it. But it has so many avenues open for continuation that I am mashing it.

Jerry's discomfort was fantastic; let's see what I can do to (for) him.

Thanks, DJ! I know you'll kick ****...and do poor Jerry good...;o)