Discussion of "The Universal Cover Up - 2" by writerwannabe

Ok. This is ONE way to take it! :-)

Some similarities between where you went with it and where I'm going. You picked up a number of the tendencies in Annabelle. I like the way she sort of manipulated the police officer. "No, you can’t help me, young man but you can give me some information, she thought." THAT was good. Very much an Annabelle response to the situation.

I wasn't as comfortable with: “Oh, I’m sorry. It’s Raines, Annabelle Raines. Please call me Annabelle.” She'd NEVER want that whipersnapper calling her by her first name. UNLESS she told him to do that, then resented him for following her instructions.

I was a little put off by HIS dialog and reaction. Subtle things...“Sure. Okay, thanks. Uh, Annabelle it seems that a large majority of your neighbors have suffered an – an illness of some kind and many of them died before help could get here."

He'd have a number. Just the facts mam. "Eight of your neighbors...six of them have died." Even if the numbers are wrong, the authorities are often quick to tout them. The question is, would he share it? Here's a big deal going down, and he's spilling his guts, and not questioning someone from one of two houses where no one was hurt...automatic suspect!

Also, if there were that many in one place, there would be a "lock down" mentality in the neighborhood. I would envision this cop aggressively walking to meet her half way, not allow himself to be "snuck up on"...but that's just me.

I would love to see a reference similar to the young couple's line about the walk not being shoveled and no tracks, etc, from the cop: We didn't even bother knocking at your door...

Overall I like where you took it. The end...well, I actually could work around that, I think... :-)

Awesome!

Also, I wanted to say that it was good to see you try to stretch yourself a bit. This is quite different in tone and scope, compared to several of your other stories here. Like going to the gym and working a new part of the body..."Ow, I didn't even know I HAD that muscle..." :-)

Hey, writerwannabe, I get you getting confused on my comments on the first chapter. Actually, I'm realizing that that comment about the pov was directed more to your part than to his. I hope you will accept it as a compliment when I say you flowed off of his so smoothly that my mind decided it was all one. Great mashing.

Absolutely, and thanks! I kind of thought you were referring, at least partially to my mash, but then I noticed I was reading the comment section of ericswyatt's chapter and thought...oops! LOL.

I thought this story was good at the surface level. It moved in a clear direction...but... I felt the old lady was lacking in realness (only through the dialogue though). I felt what she thought in her head was a nice contrast to the story and it showed that the old lady knew that something was going on.
I think ericswyatt mentioned this but, the cop seemed too fake. If any cop knew what they were doing, they wouldn't be telling a potential suspect (which should have come across in the story since there were only two houses who weren't affected) anything about what happened. I envision the cop being vague and very official and definitely suspicious of the old lady and the new neighbors.

This was a good mash and it took the first chapter in the direction of the cookies as the culprit, but I still hold to my suspicions that it wasn't the cookies lol.

Thanks - All for the comments, especially regarding the cop. In my defense, not an excuse, I was thinking that this was a small town in which everyone knew everyone else and that the cop would therefore be, more open than a big city cop. Especially, when talking to an old lady that had identified herself as a friend to his grandmother. Well...write and learn....it's all cool. Thanks again for the comments.

Mrs. Raines was a little flat, though the story moved well. She was my draw into it, in the first chapter. I wanted more of her old lady ways to poke through. Though, I'm sure if it were longer we would've got there. Good work.

Thanks, Acee...likely my lack of knowledge of little old ladies...lol.