Discussion of "Thou Shalt Not Kill (5)" by writerwannabe

This is really good! I love the introduction; you are somewhat in the mind of F. Preston. It's somber and ominous. I'm also a stickler for letting the reader fill in the blanks (which you did in the intro). We don't need every detail, or things spelled out for us...if it's written well, then it is evident what has occured. Kudos for that! Loved it!
I have some concerns with the middle portion (when Adara confronts her family). Some technical things such as paying careful attention to your tense are important. It makes a good sentence sound elementary. Example: you said something like, 'she recongnized blah blah blah, and then you followed with 'I'm'. Spelling (Adara not Adana) etc. Those things happen. We all need round-the-clock editors if you ask me. :) What I don't particularly like about the middle of your piece is the dialogue between Adara and her family. It comes out stilted in places, and has a 'too' perfect feel to it. No one has any questions about this 'revelation' and it seems a bit unrealistic. A bit more content for this area, more inner-angst for Adara having to find the words to describe her best-kept secrets, a great deal of disbelief on Franco's part, or even anger, would have been helpful. Plus, I'm not so sure she would be so willing to call this D.A. who has conflicting back ground for her. You mention that he wanted to use Adara's gift in ways that breach the trust of friendship and are ethically unsound. Why would she go to him? Typically anyone with a super-natural gift is immediately aware that the government is usually more of a hinderance than a help. I'm not sure I like her getting help from the outside.
The ending: Love the idea! Definetely kill two more and have two more commandments out of the way. This helps move things along a bit faster, as I believe is wholly necessary. The gential-swapping-mutilation thing was good, but it seems to me that would be more effective for the 'Adultry' commandment. Doesn't seem to fit the commandments they are punished for. The FLASH thing is great, I get it and I know it's desired effect, but something is missing to make it work effectively. I don't know WHAT is missing...lol...but it needs something there to make it either more fluid or more seperate. Maybe some itallicized inner dialouge/thought from the faceless killer...? All in all, I'm impressed with your chapter and your sense of action. Great job and lots of respect to ya! You've done a nice job! Foo

sorry for all the spelling errors...:) Where IS that damn editor of mine? lol

Hi Foo...welcome back! I saw that you had posted a chapter here but, I don't read them until I've posted my own; don't want anyone saying..hey, that was my idead!! LOL. I'll read yours tonight for sure.
Thanks for your comments. I actually had some "back and forth" between Franco, Paige and Adara in the draft, but when I had to cut 15K characters..I changed it all because I didn't want to do a part 1 and 2, and I felt that the gist of her "council of war" to get everything out, on the table and troops rallied...lol.
Yes, she had issues with the DA, but he is really her best source for getting the killer(s) quickly. Since she's jumped over her own shadow to risk telling her secret, the DA is merely another means to the end. Well, that's how I thought it out, anyway....;o)

Geesh....I lost my editor, too....lol.