Discussion of "Jewel Guardians - 3" by writerwannabe

Even though I'm almost two weeks late, I intended putting this up as a draft for a couple of days to garner whatever comments might be forthcoming. I'm happy with the product, but not sure it even fits into the story properly, being entirely back story. Well, for better or worse, I inadvertently hit the publish button - and here it is!

I think a back story fits - as this story already has had some time-line jumping. By keeping this strictly about Ras, the chapter also builds anticipation regarding what's happening to/with our two heroes.

The transition into the back story was a bit rough. At first, I thought it was present time and was wondering why Ras was such a wuss. But then, as I continued, I realized he hadn't "grown up" into such a baddie yet.

Overall, it was good. I'm not sure whether I like the references to Tolkien's works or not. Were there other references in the previous chapters that I just missed? I kind of liked the idea of this being its own world/story. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I'm just not sure is all.

Once I figured out this was in Ras' past, I loved how he was almost cowardly and how this focused more on his character. The transition between his younger self - fearful, uncertain - and his older self is stark, showing how much he grew in ten years.

Good continuation, WWB. Well done.

Thanks, JD...;o).

Had I not hit the publish button when I did, I would certainly go back and change the beginning to give the reader a little more lead into the back story.

The references to Tolkien and Stephen King's "Crimson King" were only designed to show the presence of different parallel universes and how our wizard, here, had "been around". I sometimes forget that my reader's are not always as "into" things like parallel universes, quantum theory and such as I am; and, too, I didn't clarify all of that very well here...;o(.

Thanks again for the feedback. I only wish I could take advantage of it with a little re-writing!

No worries about going back to fix it. What's done is done and it really doesn't need that much tweaking to begin with. I didn't catch "Crimson King." (But then, I've read very little of Mr. King's)

What's funny is, as I was thinking of possible continuations for this, the idea of Tolkien's world being an alternate universe did come up. :D

;o) thanks, again, JD!

I had the same issues as JD with the backstory and references. I just think if it would have been interduced a little clearer, all would have been fine. Other than that, I guess I'm a little jaded on how the story went in my head. I never could have imagined Ras as anything but evil, cunning, and nasty. But every villian must have a beginning huh? And honestly, once I got through you addition, to the very end, I did like it and the direction you took on how Ras came to be the way he his. Anyway, I hope all of that came across as 'good job'! lol

p.s. I didn't catch the 'Crimnson King' reference either until I read the comments, then was like Oh yeah! Tolkien was obvious.

The only other thing I might have added, would have been a quick peek into how our Layla is doing, maybe placed at the end?

Thanks, dkk! I thought of doing that and decided not to because...well, just because...lol.

The key, for me, to do the back story came when I read in the previous chapter how Ras rubbed the obsidian stone in the hilt of his sword and the power...an evil blacker than his own....

The key, for me, to do the back story came when I read in the previous chapter how Ras rubbed the obsidian stone in the hilt of his sword and the power...an evil blacker than his own....

That led me down my path...where did the stone come from and what was the evil that entered his body.

Stephen King's "The Dark Tower" was his effort to do his own kind of "Tolkien" thing. He even admitted to "borrowing" some ideas. Crimson King was very much like Sauron and his "eye".

Good job, WWB. I am terrible at backstory. I appreciate that you have utilized this particular narrative function. Like the other mashers, I didn't catch on immediately. But I'm not smart enough to see how any tweaking would have helped. The story eventually made it clear...as stories do. Oops, there's one of them damn...ellipses. Holy crap...there's another...and another...and....

Thanks, al...;o)

Are you making fun of me???? lol

I know. I use a lot of ellipses in my comments because...well, because...that's actually how I talk!! lol

Naw...I'm the self-proclaimed elipsis abuser. Language is ever-changing. If it didn't we'd have far fewer languages and dialects. Rules are only static for so long. For example, in playwriting the ellipsis certainly does create for the script reader the sense of pause, of thoughtful delay. There are many grammar standards that over time change and evolve. Ain't that right, WWB?

LOL...sho' 'nough...:o)

WWB, atleast you are doing them... correctly....

I really enjoyed the backstory - you did a great job describing the scene! The timeline was a little confusing initially, but fits with the story.

Thanks, shad! It's always especially nice to get a thumbs up from the previous chapter's author.. ;o)

Sorry it took me so long to get to this chapter, WWB. I was working on a project, then had an impromptu trip come up.

I think you've chosen a good place to put in backstory. Yes, some of the transition could have been smoother, but we know you were under the gun.

I'm going to read this story line again, of course, because I'm the next masher. Hope I can do it justice. You certainly did.

And here's my super-late two cents...

I liked the backstory, the explanation of how Ras came to be who he was. It's clear in retrospect how Goldrang's "influence" changed him over the years. Yes, timeline, etc, but it was clear enough by the end of the chapter.

You kept the traditional fantasy feel while giving enough details of the goblins to make them distinct. Some details felt a little too traditional for my tastes (I can't imagine a throne composed of skulls and bones being horribly comfortable to sit on, no matter how wicked it looks), but that's just me. :)

Ahhh yes, when I saw chapter 3 was yours wwb, I grabbed some chips and dip and turned off the lights, because I knew things were finally going to get a little dark and dirty. As usual, I wasn’t disappointed. (except for the part where you described the arch mage and my elbow instinctively jerked and knocked the dip unto the floor. But that reaction is good for you. And my cat.)
I totally got into this. I liked how you went back and showed how Ras acquired the diamond and his power. Skillfully done. Additionally, you really added some meat and potatoes to the story, opening the door for other writers to expand this intriguing plot. Thank you for going there. You managed to get dark and mysterious while staying true to the overall feel of the story. You rock.