Discussion of "Thou Shalt Not Kill (3A)" by writerwannabe

OK...probably illegal, but I simply couldn't let that big mistake of Adara seeing Nona's murder go by. I had to fix it. If it's not eligible for the contest...so be it. But..now, it's fixed. LOL

Certainly not "illegal"...LOL. A few changes made a difference in the reading and did not take away from the effectiveness I felt you conveyed in the previous edition. Thanks for taking the time to re-write.

Great! Thanks, Persephonie.

Preemptive dream management! How novel!

No idea why Dr. Johansson – high school dean – would suddenly crack into Mr. Hyde, but he’s painted as Adara’s primary (read: only) suspect. It leaves room for the next contributor to provide detail, but some connection would have been helpful. Without it, the aspirin-needing, “bitch”-hearing, otherwise bland guy is the #1 option murderer. Seems unjustified.

Some catchy lines: “hoped that her only problem was her period.” “Confident, capable, and curious in the extreme.” “Paige had slept, or at least pretended to sleep.” “Saw the change in her eyes and I recognized you.”

Unfortunately, I was distracted by the deliberate spelling out Adara’s emotions in her conversation with Nurse White. Show, don’t tell. The last paragraph of their conversation has a bulkload of thought, which throws off the pacing of the conversation even more. Let it flow naturally. Include elements of reaction and description to compliment the speech, but beware of overload.

I’m amazed the killer would leave her a message. How unrewarding for him! I’m more inclined to believe he’d perform a singing telegram than leave a voice message; that way, he could enjoy Dr. Davis’s expression. Unless he somehow sees her listen to the answering machine. Missed that, if it’s the case. If he’s really good at avoiding the cops, leaving a message feels amateurish. I know it’s common for psychopaths/sociopaths to test the limits of what they can get away with, but if he’s going out on a line like this, he’d want to hear Adara’s breathing. Of that, I have no doubt.

Detective Silverwolf provides a transport toward the preemptive dream management and I like that. Spirit flying sounds authentic and I appreciate the American Indian angle. Logical, sensible, appropriate. I don’t buy his “I believe your story. All of it. Every detail.” He’s a detective. Unless he sees Adara as some rube to take advantage of, I can’t form those words in his mouth. There are also moments where his knowledge feels expository – I like the EM wave patterns having an identity, but Silverwolf’s assertion that “That’s how the killer knew of your presence” felt heavy.

There were other moments he felt like a cop – he needs more consistency between professional flatfoot and paranormal supporter.

This may get me in trouble, but what the hell: I thought I detected where you were deliberately trying to write from the mindset of a woman. It’s not easy. I sure as hell can’t do it reliably. I think you fouled it off a couple times, but I didn’t feel like you hit the sweet spot.

Though it’s busy, the direction of meeting with Grandpa and potentially mixing Indian spirituality with the Ten Commandments intrigues me. Could get very busy very fast.

My vote: 3

WWB~ Wassss up!
Hey, I thought this was a decent addition. A few things I really liked and a few that threw me off.
I was distracted by what a coincidence it was that she chose to speak to the one cop in the world who knows about ‘spirit flying.’ Just seemed a little too easy. A scene like that may have played out better, (at least in my mind), with our character spilling the beans to a different detective who laughs in her face, or in fact places her in a room for questioning as a suspect…only to have dect. Silverwolf, (seriously dude…Silverwolf?), overhear and then intervene. Anything to take away that coincidence factor.
Another option would have been to have her begin telling the story to someone else when silverwolf overhears and then quickly interrupts to take over.
Which leads me to the good. I like that you have added a suspect or two. (or three) I love a good sense of paranoia in any story. Something to distract the reader while you drop clues. Obviously you have created a sense of suspicion around the Dean. But what about the nurse? She too could be in on it. And lastly, the detective. I just can’t trust a cop who claims to believe in ‘spirit flying.’ By having him ‘take over’ from another officer and then lay the ‘out of body experience’ lines on her…that would immediately place him in suspectville for me.
Okay, enough said man. Good chapter. It didn’t knock me out like some of the others, but I definitely like the direction you were going here.
I was mildly disappointment because I was expecting a chapter 3B from you??
I voted a four.

LOL...thanks, dog. Yeah, nash took me to task, too about some of the same things. I admit, I didn't put as much into this as I should have. It was another...30 minutes job. Hey..Silverwolf is a cool name for an Indian cop...lmao. No 3B, but definitely a chapter 4 with much more concentration. I want to be a judge!!! LMAO.

Hi Writerwannabe,
nice addition! I really liked the detective's character and making him Native American suggested to me he would be more open to her spiritual side-( I know I'm stereotyping here) Also liked the description of the esp "signals". Having the suspect watched or tailed could open the possibility to shift POV too. :)
Chloe

Thanks, chloe! I appreciate that you read the chapter and provided comment. This isn't one of my better efforts so your kindness in positive notes is doubly appreciated..;o)

I thought this was a good addition.

Not your best work, but I have never ever read anything form you that hasn't kept my attention.

I have to admit--I was very pleased with how clean your writing is. Good job.

The message left on Adara's machine was C-R-E-E-P-Y. What a friggin' psycho!!!

"Paige is a lovely girl, isn't she? Oh, but she's not pure"--genius! Gave me chills.

"I felt relatively as far as Paige was concerned"--looks like you left out a word in this sentence. This is just one reason why proofreading your work is so essential!

"It never occurred to me that I could be considered a suspect" (when Adara goes to the cops)--this makes Adara seem kind of stupid. I would think that she would expected to be looked upon as a suspect since she knew so much confidential information regarding the murders.

Terrific dialogue between the detective and Adara--it was completely natural. Love it!

Overall, terrific job!!!

Thanks, Katrina. You're right, there's a word missing.."safe". I do proofread but almost always miss something..lol. Yes, Adara should certainly expect to become a suspect after spouting information that only the police would know but, she's also not thinking clearly and I think she was certain that Silverwolf would believe her story and understand that she knew these things because of her psychic sight. Well, anyway..that's my story and I'm stickin' to it...lmao.