Discussion of "The Unknown 4: Déjà Vu" by writerwannabe

Nice work, WWB! You're the first one to take this chapter in a startling new direction. Sure I'm a little confused by some of the events (like how Ms. B. knows Wilkes is bad just because Louise knew about the bus stop since both Jake and Amy seemed to know all that stuff too just because of their mental powers and not because they were tipped off), but leaving that stuff aside I was really excited to read your version. Reading all the rest of the chapters (including mine) you start getting a real feeling of deja vu since they mostly follow the same plot and move in the same direction. :) But not yours. Very well done!

Thanks, wolf. You know, it didn't occur to me that Louise would/could know about the bus stop because of her powers. And really, I don't think prognostication would necessarily be an ability to them. From Ms B's POV, she knew about the bus stop, they were laying for her, ergo..Wilkes set her up. Other hand, Wilkes could show up in the next chapter as a hero...lol. As always, I appreciate your "on the money" comments. Now, I'm going to read your entry...;o)

Variety is the spice of life, even when the spice cabinet is mostly full of arsenic and hemlock.

Weird "it-was-only-a-dream" thing, which I've always felt was a copout. Except, in your case, the dream was forced. Justifiable. Could the kids possess and harness that level of power? Not only reading thoughts, but implanting visions in others? To your credit, you don't half-**** it. I'm not sure how teleportation, telepathy and telekenesis jive (besides the prefix), but you believed it and tried to sell it.

Not a fan of the recap in your third paragraph. For a weekly serial, it makes sense. But once these chapters are finished, it'll all be one shebang. Unnecessary. Some of the dialog was OTM, as well, though that's more justifiable with children. They see it, they say it without masking.

Curiosity: "We had to make you see what will happen so you can get away." If it will happen, isn't she destined to make it happen? Can you avoid your destiny, even by altering the runway? (Oh, my head hurts.)

Louise sounds pretentious and overly intelligent until "OK, let's cut the crap." That's a grownup. Out of character.

I like the damming. I like the think/speak pattern you conveyed with Maribel. Even/especially with the Damn-that-freaks-me-out bits. (Watch verb tense inconsistencies.)

Why did Louise and the boys drop like rag dolls? Sure, they were distracted by the Mayor's arrival, but it didn't appear Jake and Amy were powerful enough to overtake Lou. (Good bully name.)

Weird phrasing for Ms. B. when they unlock the Explorer. They already understand telekenesis; no need for her to have paid attention to Rob's quantum mechanics. Felt forced, especially twelve year old info. (Admittedly, I was no science major, but the only thing I remember from 95% of my classes - college and high school - is the definition of "meniscus.")

Nice reappearance of "We're doing it for the children" after fate was twisted.

The ending felt abrupt. Yes, a cliffhanger, but I'm not sure if it's a setup for the final confrontation. Seems like Lou's the ringleader and not Robert.

All in all, I'm thrilled with the alternate direction, but I'm not sold on the product. Is layaway an option?

(3.5)

What a way to think of a new direction and really run with it! I think I'm pretty safe in saying nobody expected this, and it was a really fun read.

Well, you know me, Cheese....always trashing a standard storyline! Seems not to have generated much interest, though. That's okay, I kept my mind in its usual state of being bent out of shape... practice, practice...lol

Nothing's generated much interest this round. I wasn't around, but did they forget to post the Community Voting Day?

They posted the Community Voting Day, Wolf...an announcement; but, it didn't generate much, if anything. Now, we are all in the dark until 16/12/08 UTC whenever that is...lol.

So, for all practical purposes this round of the contest is "all over but the crying"....;o), and now, I want to address nashvillebecker's critique for the record, so to speak:

"Could the kids possess and harness that level of power? Not only reading thoughts, but implanting visions in others? To your credit, you don't half-**** it. I'm not sure how teleportation, telepathy and telekenesis jive (besides the prefix), but you believed it and tried to sell it." Thanks!
In theory (quantum mechanics), it would be possible for kids to possess that kind of power...kids more so than adults. Until science can figure out a way to increase brain usage, though, we'll never know because currently humans do not use enough of their brain to generate the conscious energy required. There are people who have small portions of one or more of these abilities, but they are few and very far between.

"Not a fan of the recap in your third paragraph.."
Yeah, me either. I didn't want it to be a recap; rather, a brief of the dream. I didn't like it, but I couldn't figure out a way around it (at the time, since then I have).

"If it will happen, isn't she destined to make it happen? Can you avoid your destiny, even by altering the runway? (Oh, my head hurts.)"
LOL...I've done a lot of research, again quantum mechanics, and though I'm not a physicist I've received some instruction in very lay terms. I'll keep it short and simple. Lives are not pre-determined. They are, however, subject to cause and reaction down to the minimalist level. Everything that someone says or does impacts someone else and, like a the ripples from a stone tossed in water; these ripples grow and expand, effecting ever more people. The outcomes of an action can be foreseen through analysis of the possible results and a mathematical conjecture (that's not oxymoronic, by the way...lol)and expressed in percentage. Amy and Josh projected the mathematical results of all of the players actions. Once known, or projected, the actions can be changed. Hmmm, maybe I'm still not doing a very good job of selling, huh? lol.

"Louise sounds...OK, let's cut the crap"...Yep, big boo-boo there. Thanks.

"I like the damming...." Thanks! "Watch the verb tense"...yep. Thanks, again.

While the kids understand "mind over matter", opening locks and starting cars are tricks that likely wouldn't be taught to the kids as Robert would think such things irrelevant. I think. Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it! ;o)

"The ending felt abrupt..." I disagree with your interpretation that Lou is the ringleader. She, Jeremy and Todd are Robert's hachet men, nothing more. The next chapter could have developed that relationship more; but, of course, there won't be a chapter following this one...;o(

No, sir. We're sorry but layaway has been cancelled due to lack of interest...lmao.

All in all, great critique, nash; I appreciate it!

A dream? Eh, I don’t know if it works here. It does because it leads us into the explanation of the kids’ strange behavior. It doesn’t because it forces the story to repeat some of what’s already happened. But mostly I like this angle:) It’s an interesting twist.

Sometimes the mixing of logic and the supernatural don’t quite work. For example, Amy and Jake know Ms. B will be at the bus stop because they can tell the future. Louise and company know she’ll be at the bus stop because Wilkes is a bad agent? Maybe it’s just me but the inconsistency bothered me. The kids are really creepy. Even Amy and Jake are creepy which I think works because they are different and you don’t want the reader to lose sight of that. Did I already say I like the concept. Three cheers for using physics in fiction! Ms. B’s physics lesson on the other hand, either totally unnecessary or a missed opportunity for comic relief. “Sheesh, I’m really becoming a teacher..” thinks Ms. B as she realizes these kids are much smarter than she…etc.

I’m a little torn because I like the concept and by itself I really like the chapter, but I’m not sure the re-do of events was necessary. Basically we’re in the same place we were at the end of Nash’s chapter, but with a smidge more info. So, overall nicely done, but I think the conflict should have been moved farther along for a penultimate chapter.

Here are the notes I took while reading your entry:
My first thought was, “Oh, no, not the ‘it was all just a dream’ trick!” As I kept reading, though, I changed my tune. The idea that the kids gave her a dream about what might happen as a warning was pretty clever. However, I’m not sure it’s the best idea for the purposes of this contest. It essentially renders two whole chapters unnecessary. I believe too much time was spent on that storyline for it all to have been just a dream.
You have some great imagery here, like ‘two little birds perched on a high wire.’ I loved your description of the surprises coming so frequently that she was becoming ‘immune’ to them. Same with the description of arrogance bred among those who have power over others – very true to life!
There were some missing commas/words and other punctuation, most of which seemed to be simply omitted by error. Another careful proofread might have fixed this. There were several commas that were unnecessary, like in ‘Dr. Bob, again.’ The title ‘Ms.’ needs a period after it. Watch those semicolons – I only saw a few, but they should’ve been commas. Remember, the parts on either side of the semicolon both have to make complete sentences on their own.
The three other students made great antagonists, though I was thrown by the lack of introduction. I read their names a few times, trying to think if those names had appeared before in the story. A quick note that they were her students or something to that effect in the same paragraph as their appearance would’ve been helpful. I didn’t even know they were children until the end of the next paragraph - at first, I thought they were one of the kids' parents or something.
The line that Ms. B had taken for granted that Dr. Bob was her husband seemed unnecessary, since the fact had been spelled out plainly a few paragraphs earlier.
You had a couple of tense changes – the first sentence when she was remembering the events of her dream was in present tense while the rest was in past tense, and the same happens later, when the three antagonists are sent flying through the air.
‘I grabbed Jake and Amy turned to follow us.’ I had to read that sentence a few times before I realized that Jake was the only person she grabbed. At first I thought she grabbed both Jake and Amy, in which case the sentence makes no sense. A comma after Jake would clarify things.
“You can chuck, you can jive, but Destiny will keep trying to hold its line.” I LOVE that line!
Pardon me, there are some correct semicolon uses: the one in the part about brain surgery and pills, and the one right after she saw Lockley’s BMW.
I don’t know if ‘disenfranchised’ is the right word to use. It sure gave me a funny mental image of those kids… Also, it would’ve been nice to see that paragraph expanded just a bit more. Some bizarre things were done to those kids, and condensing it into a one-paragraph recap doesn’t seem to do it justice.
Ms. B’s reaction to seeing her husband was great – very authentic.
The reappearance of the creepy kids at the end was great. Smoothly handled, too.
Overall, it’s a fun idea. The thought of kids having that kind of power scares the snot out of me (I’ve seen some temper tantrums that, with those powers, could level a whole continent). You also left it on a beautifully intense note, with plenty for the next writer to work with.
I gave it a 3.6.

Honeygloom and Aggeloi - Thank you both for the constructive critique and comments. Rather than try to explain reasoning, etc., I'll just say that the errors and plot goofs were (mostly) the result of having to cut the chapter almost 10K characters before I could post it. I really appreciate that you both liked the idea of this chapter. Thanks again.

I was initially confused that she didn’t notice Jake and Amy, but as the chapter progressed, it made more sense. I really liked the idea of the teleportation – it answered the big question of the disappearing / reappearing kids in chapter two and three. It was a logical explanation, and made for a very interesting angle. However, the consistency wasn’t there to make it work.
Louise is telepathic. So why ask “You were about to ask them what they were concentrating on, weren’t you, Ms B?” And the whole bit about her giving Wilkes away – Ms B had just had a dream about it that Jake and Amy had put in her head – that’s three minds from whom Louise could have garnered that info.
Ms B sees the three kids with Robert and Lockley. Even with them disappearing, wouldn’t she be a little more careful after seeing how powerful they were?
After spending a whole year teaching and working with these kids, she’s never caught on to the fact that they have had brain surgery and spend hours in the classroom learning their powers?
Louise initially seems to be the most powerful – or at least the three children combined. But then Amy throws them against the wall. Why didn’t she do that to begin with? Was the car that much of a distraction?

There were some issues with tense scattered throughout the chapter, and in certain spots it was really jarring.

But there were some really great lines in there, too. My favorite – “Thinking outside the box had always been one of my stronger suites. Trying to think through a mud puddle that grew deeper and thicker with every revelation, and talk at the same time was not.”

It was such a great idea - I just really wish you had found a way to make it work a little more logically.

Louise asks "You were about...." to emphasize to Ms B that she could read her mind.
Amy and Jake, up to the point where Ms B was about to be led away, were cowed by Louise and the others. When they realized that Ms B was a goner, they gathered their courage and put a double shot on the distracted Louise and Co.
LOL...well, if nothing else, I've solidified my "status" here on SM as a great idea kinda guy. Now, it's just a question of when I can link writing skills to the ideas! Thanks, shadinah!