Discussion of "Agents United" by writerwannabe

Katrina - In case you read this and comment...please, please, please do not write "proofread, proofread, proofread"...lol. I did, several times, and I know that I missed a couple of things. Most notably the extra "my" in the first paragraph. But, hey, I'm really getting better at finding those things....;o)

Awww! I only write that on contest entries. :) And I know--you can't catch everything ALL the time! We are only human, after all.

LOL....hmmm, isn't this a contest entry? Have I "misposted?"...Anyway, I was just funnin' wid ya!...;o)

oops--it is! I didn't even notice (I was just reading through the comments that had been made today and saw yours).

;) Well, you may just have to read my crazy proofreading comments if you're in the top ten, then!

Dialogue seemed stilted, at times, but action was really good, story moved along very well, and I liked the twist at the end. 4/5.

It's funny how you are the second person to pick Pete as a support for Ms. B. I liked this chapter a lot...really well written, great continuation of the tone of the previous two chapters, good building of suspense...well done.

Just read your comment to my chapter 3 today and then your version of it and WOW. We both started out with how Lockley was holding B's arm and we both used Pete just like you said. Funny how that works!

Thanks for your suggestions. Just goes to show how trying to write/rewrite/proofread/correct shouldn't be done at 4 in the morning, lol. I really tried harder on researching the previous chapter than I did the actual writing itself. Had a lot of fun, too. I'm glad I decided to do this. Even if I don't win, I still think I did a pretty fair job.

A few suggestions of my own:

1. The only thing that was really throwing me off was all the little 2 or 3 sentence paragraphs. If you look in any novel or short story, there aren't many of these; at least not one right after another.

2. The speck in Lockley's eye seems forced, as if the wind itself was on B's side.

3. I liked how you "stalled" the bus. It added even more to the suspense. I should have thought of that.

Last thing: even if I got my facts skewed, does that disqualify me for the prize or will Katrina/StoryMash take editing liberties to correct this so I can still qualify? Sorry for the novel-length comment!

Sword - Thanks for the comments. First, though, my negligence in previous comment: Welcome to StoryMash!!
In the previous round, I think that there were 5 or 6 of us that brought Jake's dad into the story. Mostly as a villain, but a couple had him as a protagonist. Sorta-kinda like ideas happens fairly often. Geesh, I hope that made sense..lol.
1. Yeah. I fight the format bug all the time with SM. I've discovered that the short paragraphs go into the puzzle easier.
2. Guardian angels at work, eh? Why not? lol
3. Were I to write the next chapter...I would have the reported blizzard be misdirection from Wilkes. He stopped the bus, has no intention of sending the cavalry. A bad guy in other words.
Skewing the facts certainly hurts your case in competition, but doesn't automatically disqualify and no, it doesn't get "fixed" by SM. I've seen winning entries that have skewed facts in the past. Thanks for the comments!

Good Story. I liked what you did with Pete. I thought many people might have forgotten about him, but I couldn't work him into my story, so I liked that he resurfaced in yours. Good Luck!

Wow, WWB- There’s a whole lot going on here…and I love it. Nice character builds and writing. Really creative direction too. Nice work my friend!

This was a great read wannabe...I think now I am upset that you and Nash entered the contest lol. Can't either of you stay out of one? lol. Just kidding of course, great story, great movement, good use of Pete (as others said) and you built the characters up nicely. It leaves some good work to be done for the remaining chapters. I guess my only "criticism", if you can even call it that, was sometimes the dialogue was just a little off for me. Other than that, great post, you got a 4.0 from me!

Politeditor - Thanks for the comments and vote. Nash is the guy to worry about...I've never won one of these contest and I've been here awhile..lol. Oh, and since you're relatively new, you probably missed dogdeity's work (he's been taking a vacation or something the past several weeks) but, now that he's back...watch out!! LOL. By the way, I read your submission, just haven't commented, yet; but, I will today!

Great entry, WWB! I can see why it's highly ranked here. You really bring the level of competition up in this contest.
A couple of comments - I thought Lockley was written a little two-dimensional, very old school villain. Glaring with pure hatred, then big smile, the bursting out the stuff he knew about her for no apparent reason, then sneering, then gloating, etc. It took me out of the story a little bit.
I really admire the creative direction you took here (not my favorite path since it rings a bit of TSNK). However, there were a few pieces that felt forced. Pete was great, but the fact that he knew her name and so did Lockley made things a little iffy. So she's trusting him, why? Then Wilkes/Wilkes connection - seemed too on the nose, and Ms. B.'s reaction didn't seem natural. Too eager to jump at it. So she can't trust Pete, she can't trust Wilkes, she can't trust Jesse, and she can't trust Lockley. I like where it ends up, but I wish it had gotten there more smoothly.

All that being said, I really admired the elegance of most your writing in this piece, so I'm giving it a solid 4. Great job!

Wolfram - Thanks for the comments and the great vote! I'm not sure I understand your remarks about, Pete. He knew her name because Wilkes told him. Wilkes also told Lockley. Wilkes is not a good guy. Ms B was suspicious of Pete because of that, but he proved his innocence and besides, she has no one else she can trust. She doesn't really know Jessie, but as far as she does know, she's Pete's wife and she's been kidnapped. She kicked the **** out of Lockley and then, he cold cocked her..why would not trusting him be an issue? I guess "old school villains" aren't "in" anymore...lol. Thanks, again, although I don't necessarily agree with your comments, I appreciate you taking the time to give them and I you did provide me with a different perspective!

Sorry, I've been away from computer all weekend. I wanted to clarify my comments a bit for you, I wrote them somewhat hurriedly as I tried to get to lots of the entries, so for that I apologize.
Here's where I had some trouble with the storyline - Ms. B. gets outed by Lockley who knows here name. Then Pete says Wilkes sent him and uses her real name as validation - but, as you pointed out, the validation is meaningless because Lockley knew it too. So now we don't know what side Wilkes is playing on or Pete is playing on.
Then Wilkes' wife, Barbara, sends both of them an honest-to-god engraved invitation letting them know that Wilkes, or at least his wife, is a 'bad guy'. Ms. B. gets to put together the Wilkes betrayal by simply matching up the name from the invitation.
This is what I meant by on-the-nose. Barbara Wilkes blows her cover and her husband's cover and reveals where Lockley got his info. all in one shot, and the discovery falls right into Ms. B.'s lap. Too easy.
I think another chapter, can't remember which one, had villains announcing themselves by name for no apparent reason, and the names helped Ms. B. make a connection. It's best to avoid writing like this because the protagonist is let off the hook - she should have to work a little harder to make connections and not have them spoon-fed to her, or sent by engraved invitation. :)

That being said, I did like the story direction, and I think you wrote some scenes very well like the Pete/Ms. B. meeting. That's why you earned a solid 4.
And as always, my perspective may be completely off base, so for what it's worth...:)

Interesting premise. Definitely changes some of the premise. The picture I got, was Pete was a thin, old janitor on his last legs who's lived in the town for years, but here he's a vigorous super agent. Hmmmm. I'm a little bugged by Pete telling his wife, that Miss B is an agent when his wife is a civilian. Its one thing to tell her about his own identity (which is still a no,no) but compromising another agent's identity? You dont do that ever, for just this sort of reason. Now his wife has done gone and got herself kidnapped. If you win, I hope you delve into that further, just because that's such a glare in my opinion.

I liked the description of her past names – it felt very plausible.

“My first thought, my gut intuition, screamed – Attack! Long ago I’d learned that my “gut” was almost always right. A physical attack would be my best – hell, my only defense.” I think you could condense this to start “My gut instinct screamed…” Most people would know exactly what you’re talking about, and it gets more to the point.

I was slightly confused at her initial decision to run after her gut was telling her to attack. If that was her conclusion, wouldn’t her gut have screamed “Run!” I was thinking fight OR flight. It was good to see the change in plans, and I liked the turn around there.

The collision with Pete was great, and I was really glad to see him brought in as an ally. The description of her fight with him was wonderful. I also liked the banter about the ID, and her struggle with the desire to trust him.

The blizzard angle is an interesting one – gives a good reason for the delay of backup. However, I would have liked to have more hints that the snow was starting to fall somewhere in the beginning, because the line about the snowy yard felt too sudden.

I’m not sure if the description of the outside of the house was needed. Between that and the background of Pete and Jessie, I was starting to loose the feel of the story. However, the turn with the empty house and candle on the table brought back the creepy feel. And the pamphlet was just eerie. It was an interesting twist to have Wilkes (or his wife, at least) involved. Not to mention the questions we now have about Pete.

All in all, it was very well written. I rate it a 4.

Here are the notes I made as I read your piece:
Her escape from Lockley was good, and I loved that you brought Pete in and made him an agent. It’s a fun idea, and it was really nice to see him again. The church brochure was fabulous, providing a very clear picture of what’s going on in this creepy little town. Pete’s reaction to Barbara Wilkes did throw me a bit – if he really found it so hard to believe, wouldn’t he have first insisted that it must be a different Barbara Wilkes, or something to that effect? Sharp ending, with the ‘escorts’ kicking the door down.
Wording is sometimes awkward. Ms. B’s comment about Jessie felt very stiff, as if you only included it to give the reader information (that she hadn’t had a lot of contact with Jessie). Similarly, Pete’s statement that his ‘long time friend in the FBI, Joshua Wilkes, is married to Barbara Wilkes’ was a little overdone. In his previous lines, both in the first chapter and in your chapter, he seemed to be a little folksy, dropping the ‘g’s at the end of his ‘ing’ words, etc – and suddenly this line is extremely stiff and formal, seeming very out of place coming from him.
There were quite a few misplaced commas and semicolons where there should be commas. Out of all the semicolons, I believe I only saw one used correctly in the entire chapter, during the scene where she’s talking to Wilkes on the phone and numbering the clues she’s gathered. And even there a period would’ve been stronger than a semicolon. In almost every other case, a comma should have been used instead. Semicolons are only used to join two complete sentences when there is no conjunction to join them (and, but, for, etc).
“…pulled me into his body…” – I believe ‘into’ should be ‘in to,’ since she is not actually entering his body. At least, that's the image I got :-)
I give it a 3.7.

Your voice is good and conversational, but it almost feels like you're holding back and not entirely letting yourself become immersed into the characters.

Your dialogue is a little over the top. My creative writing teacher gave me a mantra that I'll pass on to you: restraint!

Proofread--you have issues mostly with commas and semi-colons. Check out these sites--I think they may help a little:
http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/punct/semicolon.html
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm
Strunk's "Elements of Style" is also extremely helpful.

I'm glad that you brought Pete back in as a good guy. You did a great job of building him as a character.

The interaction between Pete and Ms. B regarding Jessie seemed a little awkward, like it didn't belong.

"The Children's Church of Sacrifice"--creepy!

The dialogue given by Pete that starts "I can't believe it" is worded awkwardly. It was distracting.

Good, mashable ending!

Good job!

Ms. B already was already under the assumption that her cover was blown so why would she be so shocked to find out that Lockley knew her name? The bit about initials and aliases seemed superfluous and kind of silly. Donnie Brasco comes to mind as a true life example that the FBI puts way more faith in the intelligence of their operatives than that. All of Ms. B’s planning and thinking about her attack took the tension and suspense out of it when it finally happened. By the time she kneed him in the groin I was like, “hit him already!!” I thought the exchange between Pete and Ms. B was believable, but I’m unclear about Pete’s purpose in the town. And after the production with the pamphlet and the candle, I’m unclear as to why Lockley was detaining Ms. B. But I like the religious angle, virgin sacrifice for crops or who knows what madness, stuff like that makes my skin crawl big time. Overall I thought this was good direction, but the chapter didn’t seem as well thought out as most of your stuff.

All judges - Thanks for the very detailed and instructive comments. Someday soon, I'll get a handle on those danged semi-colons. LOL. Seriously, all of your comments were well thought out and I appreciate your time and effort .

"Seriously, all of your comments were well thought out; I appreciate your time and effort."

Yep. It's that easy.

-- Inglorious Nashtard

Yep; it's that easy.

--Wolficus Couldn't Resisticus.