All Comments by writerwannabe

Greetings Ancients! Seems I missed this boat, too; but I'm with beanpole on the next. Now, to read the first two chapters...;o)

Thanks, Cheese...the feeling is mutual. Great seeing you here again...;o)

Thanks, JD and great seeing you here (have I already mentioned that?)...lol.

You know me too well...including my faults. Someday...someday, I'll remember to pay more attention to POV's!

I take your critiques to heart and always appreciate them...;o)

Great seeing you again, here, my friend; and, I see you brought along your superb talent! I also agree with all previous comments...in particular Cheese's comment about the razor wraiths.

Long overdue the background for the title, perfectly executed. The Mollies...now there remains much to discover, too! ;o)

It's really great to see so many of the so-called "ancients" returning, even if it turns out to be only a cameo for some of us...we'll see.

Brilliant idea to break from Gail and bring in new characters here; and what a character Alex is...wow! Whatever sort of creature he turns out to be...he's bad, he's nasty and I love him!

Slick, too, how you tied him to Gail and the stranger...no, not any longer, now he's got a name - "It"...;o). Very well done, JD.

WooHooo! Good to see you here again, JD...;o). Now, let me go and see what brilliance you've brought back!

It's certainly a challenge but you handle it very well. Now that you mention it, I do remember the gorilla character in one of those "intermissions" that I needed help understanding..lol.

Welcome to SM, Pantha35.

Why don't you post your story here and give everyone an opportunity to see what you're talking about? ;o)

Welcome to SM!

Certainly, as crystalfoo mentioned, this is one of the best new chapters I've read on SM since dropping back in, too...lol.

Very clean word flow, great opening in character development and a story that instantly dragged me in.

This is writing!

Guess who's back and posted chapter 3 to 'The Pledge'. Nope not him...no, not her, either...come on, come on!

Okay, I'll tell you...REGZ! It's at

http://storymash.com/u/Regz/helukile/

Regz - I absolutely FORBID you to ever end this story! Where in the hell did you come up with this 'gorilla' character? LMAO.

I have to admit that I had to read 13 again to get back in the groove, but it was...like, instantaneous..lol.

Only one nit...Alex started off slurring his speech, but only for one or two lines. No sweat, but you write dialogue so damned well...it sticks out, ya know?

Another 'Ancient' has returned! Welcome, Regz...;o)

Just before I noticed that you'd posted a third chapter (totally out of the blue, I might add), I was thinking that it should start out where my chapter left off with 'it was a dream'...;o) Great minds think alike?

You did a terrific job here, my friend. Perfect timing and pace, more character building, especially for our 'bad guy'; and man, getting 'the pledge' into it at the end was genius.

I noticed you've posted a couple more chapters of Muffin...;o). I love that story and I'm going to read 14 and 15 now!

Wow, Foo! That was...most excellent! Knowing that you shook this out of your sleeve with no more effort than removing a coat, makes it all the more impressive. 5 stars!

Thanks, Norcia...;o).

Thanks, Foo! Regarding the POV, you hit exactly what I was thinking. Initially, it seemed exciting and a real curve ball right off the bat (which I dearly love doing); but the more I tried to write it, the more my muse smacked me and yelled, "No, dummy, stick with Gail!"

I was surprised and pleased to see Nash back...doing his 'thing'...lol. I hope he hasn't scared off any of the newbies. Personally, even when he tore me up, I was honored to receive one of his critiques.

Yep...zero "slamma-jamma idea" for the goal line as yet.

I'm not sure if we had a 3d party or not...TBH? or was it Stormbird? Well, I hope someone jumps on it...;o)

Chapter Two to crystalfoo's, 'The Pledge.' You can find it here: http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/revomega/

I changed my mind and didn't, after all, follow Foo's hint to switch to the stranger's POV. You'll notice, too, that I 'chickened out' of describing 'The Pledge'.

But...be full of joy, my friends...now, one of you can do those things...;o)

Good idea, Hobo...I'll definitely give it some thought...;o).

“The Private Unitial Research Persons League of Espionage.”

LOL...right out of a Penny Dreadful novel! Love it. After agreeing with crystalfoo, I'd add that formatting the story would make it easier to read. I commented on a previous (much older) chapter you'd written about the use of dialogue followed by "as such and such happened" so I won't harp on it any longer. Besides, you wrote this before I made the comment...;o).

I like the storyline and I think you introduced the two characters very well for the initial chapter. And, most importantly, it's an excellent MASH piece! Good job!

Aside from the typo's that I can no longer correct - I forgot to mention - I don't have these problems at home where I use Firefox or Safari (when my better half lets me use the Apple) LOL.

If I recall correctly, a blank screen or missing chapters occured when the viewer used a particular system, i.e., Internet Explorer, Firefox or Safari. I can't remember which caused the blanks, but I'm thinking it was IE.

Currently, I writing this on my office computer which uses IE and I get blanks where stories ought to be and that annoying line that Crystal mentioned across the middle of the page!

You're very welcome and I want you to know that I DID enjoy the story chapter that I completely read. I also noticed that you had...what, 30 chapters? This must have been something you did awhile back?

I realize you put a lot of work into it and I feel a little silly even suggesting, but... if you cleaned and tightened things up, keeping two rules in mind, I think you'd have a really bang up novel.

The two rules are:
1- Show don't tell
2- Avoid adverbs, complex sentences and repetitive words in the same sentence/paragraph.

Greetings, Stormbird. I just commented on your story "All Aboard".

I read this first chapter and scanned several of the following chapters. I like the premise although I'm not a "hard core" science fiction fan.

There are a couple of things that really threw me out of the writing...not the story...the writing technique.

In almost every paragraph you write - "dialogue" immediately followed by "as I", "while he", "as the". This style is prevalent throughout your story and, for me, it's very annoying. So much so, that I don't want to read anymore, even though I'm thoroughly intriqued by the story.

Rather than lose what I've written here and go back to copy/paste some examples; here's a made up example:

"What do you mean I'm supposed to be the Captain?" as I tugged the earpiece in my ear.

"That's what our prophets tell us," thundered the Admiral as he jumped to his feet and in two long strides stood directly before me.

How about:

"What do you mean I'm supposed to be the Captain?" I tugged at the earpiece stuck in my left ear. It was annoying and itched.

"That's what our prophets tell us," replied the Admiral. The conviction in his voice stilled my hand. He jumped to his feet and before I knew it, he stood, shaking in anger, directly in front of me.

The second thing that jars me is the repetive use of adverbs and some verbs that immediately follow the dialogue. Especially "thundered" and "bellowed". In each case, it didn't seem to me that the action warranted such a strong voice, nor even that these verbs were necessary at all. In most cases, a simple "replied" or "said" or something similar is all that's necessary. Wherever possible, avoid any of them and let the dialogue stand alone with the associated action.

I hope I haven't confused you and I hope you'll take this as constructive criticism...;o)

Hey, TBH...another old timer has returned...;o) Tell me, have we all been lurking, waiting for someone to show themselves? lol. Yeah, crystal has a good one up, but you'll have to wait your turn...I'm already on chapter two.

Stormbird_57. Not to bust your bubble, but the frontpage allocations are purely random, computer driven (as well as I can remember). Still, it's a nice feeling to see it up there, isn't it? And, deservedly so.;o) Still, the forums are the best way to communicate directly about SM related topics. I hope you'll join us in mashing, too!

I was afraid of that...not really. Now, I can decide - or not...lol. Cool. Turning on the imaginative tap, all systems are go...;o)

LOL...okay, you've convinced me. Actually, I'd already convinced myself to give it a go, but had one question about the title, "The Pledge". There's no indication of a pledge in your first chapter, so I think it would help if I knew what you were thinking when you titled it?

The change in POV is an excellent idea and I'll go with that...;o)

Holy Moly, crystal...I would never have thought you could improve your writing skills from their already lofty peak; but, duh-am, this is great writing and what looks like a my-kinda-story tale! Please do one more chapter and I'll jump in..., if I may? ;o)

Long time, Baz! Great start here and I've always liked your style. Did you notice crystalfoo is back, too, looking for stories to mash?

I especially like how you "saved" your storyteller's real persona until late in the chapter. Well done!

Greetings, crystalfoo...great seeing you here again...;o).

I agree completely with your posts here and like the idea of "re-generating" mashable storylines. Perhaps I haven't looked hard enough, but I haven't seen much (currently) that would entice me to mash. I suppose we could dig back a year or so and find something...but, would the mashed chapter be mashed by the current crop of active writers here? I'm not confident...;o(

Interesting post, Stormbird. I am one of the ancients and, yep...still kicking; just not on SM very often. In fact, it's been two months since I last paid a visit.

I haven't really been active here for about a year. Initially, though, I would drop by, read a story and make a comment or three. A week later, I'd check back to see if any of my comments were acknowledged...they weren't. If someone takes the time to read your (whomever you are) story and comment; I think it incumbent on the writer to respond to comments.

I hope you'll not think me arrogant, but the fact is that a lot of the "new" writers here are not very good. They throw a couple of paragraphs up and call it a story. Few of the new writers know or care about proper grammar or spelling.

Many of the ancients came here to polish their writing skills, participate in contests (that paid money) and simply to enjoy the challenge of mashing. I'm sure there are new writers that have come here for the same reasons; but, without mutual give and take of comments, writing complete chapters, encouraging and challenging fellow writers - the site will never reach its once 'glorious' (I know..a bit over the top that word...lol) charter.

One more point. Many of the ancients were, or are now, published authors. Some of them...including yours truly....used SM as a proving ground - a springboard into better writing and, having 'grown', moved on to bigger and better things.

Thanks for your article, it gave me a chance to spout off a bit...;o). All the best to you!

Very good, WH. Assume there will be more? Looking forward to reading them...;o)

Irgendwie macht es mir sorgen wenn du ueber Selbstmord schreibt...lol...aber das hast sehr gut gemacht.

A very succinct description of today and maybe tomorrow, very well done. Actually, among the best I've seen from you....;o)

LOL...great! I'm beginning to like your characters and the story is unfolding quite well. No time for more, but I'll be back..;o)

Welcome to SM, Stormbird...;o).

I'm an old-timer that hasn't been around for awhile; busy with other writing (as you've astutely noticed and commented on elsewhere). But, I do stop in occasionally to see what's going on and check out "new writers".

This is a nice start. Up front, I don't give much of a rat's **** about grammar or spelling unless it's so bad that I can't read the story. Story, for me, is the be all, end all and this has started out as an interesting premise and good story.

I think I can squeeze in one more chapter, if I start right now...;o)

Excellent ending, WBS! You kept the characters true to form and, as Aggie mentioned, kept the random, bizarre tone of the story; and, for me, most importantly...you brought the car back and that last line is absolutely perfect, my friend! ;o)

Thanks for reading and the comments, ariaterra. No, I'm not going for the the whole (holy?) grail/Mary Magdalena thing...lol.

I'll not be posting any more of the novel here, but I assure you that you'll really like where I've gone with it...and where I'm going with the two books that follow this first one. Visit this site: http://www.thesecondadvent.com and get the best price (including autograph) on the book or....amazon.com kindle version for only .99...;o)

LOL...no sweat on the "Can Francisco". Excellent chapter and as they say, "the plot thickens." As MaxChallenge wrote...'write faster'...;o)

Plot is coming along nicely, as is character development. As I'm sure I mentioned before, I'm not stickler for detail; but a little more of that would greatly help your story. You mentioned, finally, in this chapter about how the girl was getting food... although the part of "taking" small bits of the librarians lunch seems a bit over the top.

How about bathing? After several months she must be getting pretty ripe....lol. Does she sneak into a local gym? Maybe she goes to a YWCA? Something.

A couple of things in this chapter that threw me off a little. The man on the roof has his hands (plural) in his pockets, and yet, he's holding a cup of tea. The girl prepared to tell her story and in the next line she was finished.

Small things, to be sure; but, you are much too good a writer to overlook them...;o)

For me the sign of a very good, well written story is when I can come back to it after several weeks and pick up reading where I left off, without re-reading those chapters I'd already read. This is one of those stories.

I really like how you continue to build on the girl's character without a lot of descriptive paragraphs. The slow moving plot is...moving, and not so slowly that your readers would lose interest. I certainly haven't...;o)

Greetings and welcome to SM....I for one am eagerly anticipating your first post...;o)

Welcome back, Hobo and quite a bang, too...;o)

I especially like "The Same Kitchen"...not because its the shortest, but because...hell, I'm no poetry critic..I just liked it the best, ya know? lol

Welcome to SM, sllim!

Now, your next mission, should you decide to accept, is to post a story...not a complete story...just a start of one. Following that, read a story that interests you and comment; there's no better way to get yourself known and accepted by the group...;o).

I'm looking forward to reading and I promise not overdo any spelling criticism...lol

Where oh where are you tonight
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I've searched the world over
And I thought i'd found true love
But you met another and
Pfffft....you wuz gone!
LMAO...couldn't think of anything else to write...and introduction is over three years late for me...;o)

Ahhh...so that wasn't a "wasted chapter"....just pulling your string...lol.

Shorter chapters are usually good and, as one who has written when he shoulda been workin'...I know where you're coming from...;o)

Never the mind...this is an alluring, wacky but still "connected" story (at least for me) and I'm waiting on chapter 14.

Welcome to SM, DND...

Great story start. The first paragraph was a great hook.

I'm not sure about the girl tying her shoes and tucking the cell in her bra before running, though...shouldn't she be frantic, scared out of her mind? Hmmm. Maybe not...;o)

I presume will see more? I hope so.

LMAO...man, I love how you bring things, thought forgotten, back and smack the reader in the face with another crazy couple of paragraphs. Great stuff!

Wellll...ummm, not sure what to say. I don't wanted to say "wasted chapter"...no. But...hmmmm.
Okay...one more for today...;o)

GREAT! Onward...lol

Regz, my friend, the twists and turns in your mind know no bounds! Can't stop now...next!

Hey, Regz...thanks for the reminder on the forum...:o).

Even after several weeks, I was immediately back into the story...that's a great thing! In fact, so great that I'm gonna get in at least one more chapter today...;o).

One thing...spelling errors. There were several here, very unlike you. I learned that dessert is good..two s's and desert was not so good...only one s...lol.

Sigh...thanks, Katrina.

rjoyson -

I don't know academics03 personally, nor do I have his/her email. You might try contacting:

Ethan@storymash.com or Katrina@storymash.com

Ethan owns the site and Katrina manages it; I'm sure they can be of assistance to you.

sherbo -

What's with all the posts for people to provide you an email? I've done that but you haven't written me.

There's no "chat" service on this website, so what's up with when I sign in? LOL

Thank you Astre and Acuariana...I'm very happy you liked what you've read so far...;o)

Thank you, williegonnawonkya...;o)

Thanks, William-Beta-AI...;o)

Yes, you can get it as an e-book (readable on Kindle, iPad,iPod or PC) at Amazon.com for a July month long sale of .99 cents! Or, also on Amazon as a paperback for $10.99.

Excellent follow on chapter, TSB. I'm really liking both characters and the story is picking up steam. The next chapter will have wait, though...It's after midnight and i've got an early day tomorrow.

Before I sign off, though...you read and commented on the first story I wrote here and asked what else you should read....lol. Well, that first story has become a full fledged novel and I recently posted the first four chapters of the book here....I'd be very interested in reading your thoughts about it....;o)

A soul inside a computer...what a premise! I haven't been around here much lately; but, slowly I'm getting around to reading all of your work. This is a beauty.

I love the voice. I think it difficult to write like someone who doesn't write well...lol. You pull it off with apparent ease, while still writing well...hmmm, I hope that made sense to you?

Off to chapter two...;o)

Great stuff, Baz! I really liked how you plotted this out...using the Stephen Kingish ploy of talking to the reader, mixed with hospital scenes and all of that entwined within a not completely clear, but exciting premise.

I noticed JD's comment about this being one of the best she's read since joining. Glad I did. I agree...;o).

Only one comment about the structure. There are several really long sentences with numerous comma's (strangely though, no semi-colons). My point being that I think the story would have flowed a teensy bit smoother had you written some of those long sentences into several smaller ones. ;o)

Good start...great tension build...the threshold of a church surprising! Muy bueno, amiga mia...;o)

Thanks, Regz! So, you're gonna buy the rest of it? I just dropped the kindle (e-book) price to 99 cents...;o). Can't hardly beat that...lol

LOL...thanks for the ego boost, WBS. Truth is, though, I go to the southeastern part of Majorca (Santanyi)...almost no tourists, a nature reserve with beautiful little beach coves. But, you're absolutely right about the area around Palma!

;o)....thanks, jazzfan!

You're welcome to send me an email, sherbo...

lexallen@yahoo.com

But, I am about to take a flight to Majorca this morning and will be off line for the next 10 days...so it'll take me awhile to respond.

Thanks, garbage! I understand what you're saying about emotional connections. In the first instance, there is no emotional connection. In a war zone, soldiers avoid emotional connections like the plague! lol. The connection between bum 1 and bum 2 is only the impact b1 had on Jack's treatment of b2.

The hook line isn't connected to chapter two, right. it's connected to chapter four. The ending of chapter two connects to four, too. Chapter three connects to five. You can't see it, at this point in the reading, but the entire story skips and hops, different characters and chapters overlapping and interjecting between each other. It's like a jigsaw puzzle...;o).

I really appreciate the critique and the confidence in my eventual success!

Aw, gee...JD...you're making me blush...;o).

Thank YOU, my friend, for the encouraging words and ever present support!

LOL..thanks, Regz. There are still some very good writers here, (count yourself among that group). In fact, I am published...I just went a different route to get there. My book is out there and the second one is on its way...;o)

In the interest of self-promotion, I decided to "push the bubble" and post the first four chapters of my book here on SM. it's been my writing home for more than three years and I wanted to share the book with my many writer friends...;o)

OK...all done here. What, you're wanting more? Well, the way to get the whole story is here:

http://www.amazon.com/Second-Advent-Disciples-Lex/dp/1461105803/

You can order the E-book for $2.99 or the Paperback for $10.99. No, you don't need a Kindle to download the E-book. It can be downloaded on a computer, iPad, iPhone or any of the other e-book readers.

Thanks for reading and I hope you'll get the book and continue the story. If you do, I'd love to hear what you think of it...

lexallen@yahoo.com

Still here? Great! One more coming up...;o)

Two down...two to go...and if that doesn't generate some sells...wellll, hell...I'll try something else...lol.

Still reading, I hope. The second part of Chapter Two coming up.

If this first chapter has peaked your interest and you want to know more about the book, please visit my website:

http://www.thesecondadvent.com

Thanks!

I thought long before deciding to post a few chapters of my book. What finally turned the trick was...self promotion and the fact that anyone can read samples of the e-book on Amazon.com; and, anyone can use the "search inside the book" option on the paper- back version.

So...this is first half of chapter one (I was little over a thousand characters too big to put the whole chapter in one chunk...lol).

The second half of chapter one follows immediately. Thanks for reading...;o)

Thanks, sherbo! ;o)

HA..HA..HA, WBS! I ain't THAT old...lol.

I do, in fact, have my some of my adult children working. My youngest son (about your age, I think) is doing the German translation and my middle son (older than you, I think), a tattoo artist, is working on the covers for books two and three...;o)

Uh...the connection to chapter one? LOL.

This was very well done. Excellent dialogue, character build and initiating the theme... paranormal is my all time favorite subject!

I really liked how you ended this and that it'll lead (I hope) to the connection to chapter one.

I'm not sure I liked Ash's reaction to Marge's little "magic" trick. As all time best friends, I'm not so sure she would react as she did. I would think a little more empathy would be called for; not the...antagonism that Ash immediately delivered. Then, again, I'm a long way away from seventeen and not a girl...lol.

Great story, well done!

Welcome to SM, floating!

I agree with NoRhyme...definitely an attention getter. I see you've already posted chapter two...so, off I go...;o)

Welcome to SM, jdforeman -

I see you've linked up with blackwolf on this string. Excellent writing! I just finished blackwolf's start chapter...and on to the next.

Welcome back to SM, blackwolf!

I guess you were departing the site about the time I was coming on. Regardless, I missed you in your previous "life" here...lol.

So, double glad to see your post. Excellent writing and, being a "story guy", I was especially happy to see this one. You kept your reader guessing, with just enough detail to keep me reading. The initial character development was also very well done. Off to the next chapter...;o)

Welcome back with a big BANG, Hebe! Great seeing your fine writing again.

Loved the start, I was a teensy bit confused as to who "Jeanie" is, but not for long...hey, I'm a guy. If I were to mash this chapter, I'd have chuckle curtailed by an ice pick straight to the heart; but, dang where to go from there? LOL.

I imagine you have something better in mind, so I'll wait another chapter, at least!

Excellent continuation, AT! You're doing a great job of building the girl's character and giving us hints of what the story's all about...well done.

Several misspelled words, though not enough to throw me out of the story. When I write, I have dictionary.com open and I use it...all the time...the dictionary and the thesaurus...;o)

Welcome to SM, ariaterra!

What a fabulous word, "fugacious"...and then, you go "breifly" and "har" for "her"...lol.

No sweat, everyone makes a goof here and there. What counts it the story and you've done a good job kicking this one off. I'd suggest separating dialogue from the paragraphs, insted of embedding them, but...still, no biggie. It's the story that counts...;o)

Yeah, TBH...keep writing and describe the slitting your wrists event, I bet it'll be great! LOL. Of course, you'll get big welcome back...;o)

hebe...you don't need to wait for TBH...just do it. I'm looking forward to the occasion! ;o)

LMAO...apparently, I was reading with my eyes closed. I looked again and damn...there there were, big as day! Sorry!

Thanks, WBS, but I'm not worried anymore about rejection letters. I've gone the self publishing route and I will stick out.

The problem, now, is that I'm wasting time promoting and marketing the danged thing, when I should be writing. But...I'm about to change that! As to writing on SM...yep, I'd really like to get back to that, too. Maybe soon, we'll see...;o)

Don't feel bad, Light. I know how hard it is to simply find time to write, much less read someone else's work and provide a review of it...no sweat, but I'll sure be happy when you DO get around to it. LOL!

The book is published, it's the promotion/marketing aspects that are driving me nuts...lol.

Makes sense to me...it's brilliant!

Your character work is superb, TSB. Not to mention dialogue, pacing and plotting...lol

Muchas gracias, yo comprende! ;o)

Hmmm. I guess my problem is that I didn't see a break in the paragraphs. Maybe some ***** inserted would have helped?

LOL...okay, got it...I think. Well, at least I understand the "need for muffins" part! ;o)

What does Muffintermission 1 have to do with the Muffin chapters 1 through 8 and/or Muffintermission 2?

No, don't tell me...I think I should have read the 1 and 2 before the 8, right? No?

Okay...tell me.

LOL...good one!

I think I'm insane after reading eight chapters of this brilliant insanity...lol.

OK...can't stop now...here comes muffin intermission one and two!

Did I say that you were seriously insane? yeah? Good.

How muffin guy know her name was Rose when he first got back to his place and then...asked what her name was? Part of the insanity? Logically so, but still....curious minds want to know, ya know? lol

Man, you are seriously insane! LMAO

Back on track....lol...excellent chapter - and Trench coat man is back!

OK, Regz...ya gotta explain something to me...you wrote:

"Yeah," I conceded, "but the guy was dying. I couldn't exactly tell him to hold on while I brainstormed."

"If you say so. Anyway what happened next with the girl and the body?" he asked."Well, you're not gonna believe it," I said laughing, "so after falling all over each other when she chased me down, we totally came back to my place and did it. Crazy, right?"

Just prior to that first paragraph, our muffin guy was talking to the girl/woman that chased him after he stabbed trench coat man...and then????
Now, he's talking to another guy...where did he come from? Following the second pasted in paragraph, muffin guy is talking to this unknown character while the girl/woman is listening

And, then....he's in his room banging...who? The girl/woman that chased him down the alley?

I'm seriously confused....lol

Whoeee, what an effing twist to the storyline. Man, I love this, seriously!

One teensy little thing. You may remember that I almost never comment on grammar, typos, spelling, etc....but when I read something from a writer that I KNOW can do much better, I have to speak up. I imagine you were simply in a hurry while writing this chapter because there are several typo's, misspelled words and, at the beginning a word left out! LOL...okay, off my chest and off to the next chapter!

Welcome back, Regz! Man, it's been a long time since you graced our pages...lol.

Loved this opening salvo. Funny, intriguing and I'm off to read the next chapter...;o)

LOL...I'm available to provide assistance to any SM writer looking to self-publish. It's difficult to get exposure of your book, but I'm convinced that once that happens...it will do extremely well...;o)

Welcome to SM, healycc!

Excellent first shot here. Like Regz, I enjoyed how you used the character's thoughts to describe things and tell the story. I especially like how you linked...and led me to believe...that this was the birth of a child, tying reincarnation into the mix. I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment.

LOL...great little flash piece, veraelaine.

I'm sure you will find the perfect mix. You're already on the right track with the right attitude...;o)

Continued excellence, TBS.

This story is picking up steam quickly. Your characters, in particularly Alan, are developing in leaps and bounds. I wish I could read all the others...but a "honey do" list calls. I'll be back...;o)

Excellent second chapter, TSB! Some will (maybe) tell you that there is entirely too much "tell" and not nearly enough "show" in this chapter. I'm not among them...;o).

Welcome to SM, NoRhyme55!

I like how you started this story; how you immediately jumped into a tense situation. Overall, I think the pacing was well done, but parts of it could have slowed down and provided a bit more detail - the working of the spell, for example.

I was a bit confused, in the first few paragraphs, as to who was talking (point of view). In several paragraphs you mixed the POV (generally a no-no). "Basil" is generally a male's name, and that contributed to my difficulties in determining POV.

Still, this is a very good start...;o)

WBA - I agree, characters can mature and I'm sure yours will...;o).

NoRhyme55 - I agree (to a degree) with you, as well; but, simply because it is fiction - the writer must still strive for verisimilitude in all cases. In this case, if one of your characters is a three star general, he shouldn't be talking and acting like anything less (ergo, my comment about a second lieutenant). Focusing on the technical is vital to developing a great story...especially science fiction! These types of details will not detract from the "fun" of the story; rather, it will greatly enhance the reader's belief, they might learn something and it will be more fun to read. The opposite is me, or someone like me, that is knowledgeable in these technicalities. In those cases, we are thrown out of the story because it's not believable...;o) Research is vital, even in fiction, and with the internet, research topics are at the tip of your finger.

LOL..okay. Hey, it probably isn't even an issue with anyone but me. No worries, I like the story and will read more as time permits.

OK..one more little quibble..."divisional commander" - Divisions are commanded by a two star (Major General). One star (Brigadier Generals) are usually staff officers on an Army or Theater command. They can also be Assistant Division Cdrs or they can command a Task Force (the size of which could be ten to several hundred strong - hint, hint); Three stars (Lieutenant Generals) command Corp level organizations...lol.

You and me both! I've been here over three years and I still haven't figured out the thongs work. I mean, the black leather ones, okay; but, those lacy, racy red satin thongs are mind boggling...ya know?

Funnin' wid ya, TSB....lol. I've read your first post and pimped you out, too. Mmmm, what sort of thong do you sport?

I thought I could "get past" the verisimilitude issue from Chapter 1, but this chapter made it worse. I spent twenty-one years in the military and worked another 20 with the military. I simply can't get over a 3 star general acting like and talking like a second lieutenant with the sergeant major.

Otherwise, the story is move along and that's very good...;o)

Good action, excellent step forward in the plot.

Verisimilitude - I know this is Sci-Fi, I'm relatively certain that these marines are special (very), but I can't picture a general and a sergeant major leading a ten man squad...;o(

Welcome to SM, WBA!

I don't know about the line spacing, seemed okay to me; but, the font size could grow a bit...that would be nice. I hate using glasses when reading on the computer...lol.

Well, enough of that, anyway. I'm a story guy and this is a good start to what could be a great story. I liked how you established personalities and laid the plot foundation with the tone of the communique's. Very well done!

Geesh, proofread - me? "exited" should, of course, read - "excited". lol

Discovered a new writer! TrumanSBooth

http://storymash.com/u/TrumanSBooth/lomupene/

Excellent!

A very warm (and exited) welcome to SM, TSB!

Excellent story start; well written, paced and a perfect hook to develop continued interest. I'm itching to jump in on this, but I'll wait for your second chapter. Write it, soon, please! ;o)

Fifty-six chapters is a lot, but when the writing is well done, there's no problem "getting people to read...". The Renaissance story is VERY well done.

Yea! I love being an inspiration to someone..;o).
Please contact me if you need help, advice or consoling as you go the route...lol.

You know I'm a huge fan of Renaissance, and as much as I want to read every single word, I'd be careful about posting here and then publishing as a novel. I've never really gotten a clear explanation about rights...what you can and can't do with what you post here. I suggest you write Ethan and ask him - point blank...;o).

Having said that, I think it a great way to "preview" your work and glean critiques and comments so as to make future chapters and the storyline better, tighter, or to get new ideas, etc.

WELCOME BACK, DKK! I sincerely hope that you are completely well and more than likely to stay that way...;o).

So, when do we get to read some of those sprouting ideas? *drumming fingers on desktop* lol

This was most excellent! Tension, conflict, suspense, backstory...very, very well done, my friend!

Gruesome is not sufficient to describe this, nor is horrific, sickening or abominable. As a story, I LOVE it. In real life, all those words above, and more, apply.

Don't be in rush, take the time to work in some details, especially those that provide a bit..only a bit..of backstory or off the cuff.
For example, "Among pedophiles, Tokker was not among the elite, the connoisseur's of pedophilia; but, he was surely among the most primitive and cruel."

And..referring to the main characters drinking the blood of his latest victim; perhaps:

"He squeezed the blood from the dripping neck into a two hundred year old goblet. It was made of pewter with lavish scenes engraved on the sides; scenes of debauchery and death."

Having said all that, I really liked the bit about playing soccer with the head...;o)

It took you almost thirty minutes to change your mind to keep working on the story? LMAO....just funnin' with ya!

Absolutely no need to abandon the story. Chapter one was strong. This one needs some tweaking to establish conflict. Maybe he's NOT the only person unaffected. Maybe the black thing is a group of aliens or, better yet...folks from another dimension/parallel universe. It's all there....just think about it and I'm sure you'll find the path...;o)

see what I mean about proofreading...lol. Previous comment should have read;

"going to GET through"

"if I CAN'T get it down"

LMAO

Yeah, I see where you're going...when you explain it...;o). if I recall correctly, before he was dumped in the trunk, his thoughts were the opposite of his actual reactions. Why not a paragraph that describes him practically losing it in the trunk - screaming, crying, pounding against the trunk, et al, and then his inner voice comes in..."You're such a pussy. Get a hold of yourself! There's a way out, and there's a way to get back at these ****. Knock of the cryin' and THINK!" Then he relaxes, lights himself a cigarette and thinks...lol...'

Just an example of what I was thinking....

I'lll mention grammar only this once because I've never seen quite this many in a story from you...mostly words left out. In a rush? lol...I know, it happens to me sometimes, too.

I don't have much a feel for this chapter. There's no conflict and therefore, hard to carry the energy of the story. In fact, I'm getting a little worried...lol. If there's no one, but our hero still able to move...there will never be any conflict...oh, wait...the black thing that flashed across the sky. OK..I'm with you again...lol

Almost forgot....story is all important. This is the beginning of what I think could be a great story!

Everything before "Day Zero" could / should be deleted...everything after was very well done. I like your voice and use of the vernacular ...it's not over done but not left out, either. Just right in other words.

I can't decide about the tense. With first person, there's always that tendency to address your readers directly..."you" or indirectly... "Where was I?"; but, I find it jarring and, while it doesn't take me out of the story; it's an unnecessary distraction. You know? ;o

The last sentence makes the last paragraph..A-OK. I don't know what "bigger umph" could have been written in at the end....

AHHH! That makes sense and now that you've told me...I'm no longer confused. I tell you, there's nothing better than an unconfused mind...lol. Seriously, loved it!

Spooky. Well written...I don't know what's going on (that's good). Did Theo kill his son or simply find him dead and bury him? When did he bury him? Who went to Pessano's house and why did he brain the kid? The detective?

Many questions and I hope you're going to provide some answers....soon! LOL

Naw! I hate 'em, too; but, without extensive proofreading, some of them are going to through. And, like you, if I can get it down and out in less than an hour...I generally trash it...lol.

Besides, I'm a story guy. As long as the story is good and the typo's, spelling and grammar errors aren't too bad, I don't even notice and certainly don't comment on them...;o)

Keep up the great work!

Welcome back, Regz! And what a comeback you've got going, both chapters. Wow. Technically almost perfect writing, excellent pacing, great character build and a story with a huge whale hook out there waiting for us hungry fish! lol

Out..effing..standing!!!!

Well done! As Light mentioned, your writing is concise and easy to follow the story. I'm a little confused, though, about your wimp character. He allows these three guys to harass him, rob him and throw him in the trunk. He shakes, he cries and his thoughts are consistent with his real emotions; and then...inside the trunk, no apparent way out, he calmly decides it could have been worse and lights a cigarette? Hmmm...not in my understanding of the world and the creatures that walk around in it. It's called verisimilitude...;o).

I neglected to add - the eroticism and intuitive sado-masochism were well played...;o)

Excellent follow on chapter XX...;o). Dual personality? Fabulous. The Dom side is one bad **** dude, or is that Dominick? Hmmm...lol

JD's busy with Easter and family...same here.

Sigh....I'm gonna have to concede this duel, WBS...;o(.

That's the problem with those games, it makes killing seem easy and fun. It's neither!

WBS...when's my deadline on this one...the 22d? I hope so because I can't get it done today...and tomorrow will be touchy...man, I'd hate to lose my first duel here...;o(

Well, believe it or don't...I do have some experience with shotguns...;o). Not only that, but I worked it into the next chapter (provisionally, anyway). I've still got 4.5 days and I'm going to need them. I'm going to be very busy over the Easter weekend.

Playing GTA?

Excellent story start, WBS! I liked the tension all the way through. The invention of words and names was very well done. The story was believable (big plus...lol) and the characters well defined for a first chapter...;o)

Good job, WBS.

I gotta say, though, that this story that started as a light hearted children's story has sure turned into something else entirely. Not that that's a bad thing, necessarily.

Still, I'd have liked it better if you and Light had kept the "genre". Just my opinion, of course.

LOL...are you trying to lead me, Light? Hmmm, shotguns. I haven't used shotguns in a very long time...;o)

I should really slow down when writing comments and then, proofread before hitting the danged 'save' button...lol.

I agree, for the most part, with Light (MrLightening). I liked the start..didn't want to leave there and the back story was a bit choppy. But...

Though the back story could have been smoother and longer; I liked it. I think you should have picked it up from there and gone back to the first part...only longer. At least added enough to get to the next cliffhanger.

I like you voice. Very important. And, I liked the story...far beyond the important range and into the 'must be' range. Youve got a great story going here and I'm very interested in seeing where you take it from here. Who knows, it may go in a direction that compels me to mash it!!! LOL

Welcome to SM, drasn!

You and I have similar histories, though likely years apart...;o). I started here about 3 years ago and with lots of practice and lots of help from a great bunch of writers here...I published my first novel earlier this month.

Let me go check out your 'starting point'...;o)

Nerd? Whut the hell is thet? Hell, whutevah it might be, ain't no cause to be ascairt of it, son. Damnation, stand yersef up and be somebody, fer chrissakes! I knows a bit 'bout "weaslin' and ahm tellin' ya...ya ain't got no need of it!

LMAO....practicing my redneck, trailer trash lingo!

YEEHAW! I hope you heard that ecstatic yell all the way to Down Under, Light.

You, sir, are a born "masher"...;o). A collaborative writer can lead a horse (fellow collaborater) to water; tell the story and kind of lead the next towards a certain plot line. But, sometimes, that horse only sips of the water and then, kicks the bucket over and starts drinking from a totally different pail. That's great!

I love where you went with this and already my muse is working overtime to get me a competitive comeback! It won't be easy and that's great, too! ;o)

Holy Moly...you're as fast as..er, lightening! Off to read...lol

Well, I have no problem changing my vote from 4.5 to 5 then...;o)

See what excitement, 10 words per second typing and fat fingers can do?

I meant to say "...but my HAT, too!" LOL

As Roxanne said.."Wow".

Geesh, jazz, there are so many great lines here that to mention even one would would be degrading to the others. As nashvillebecker might say...you knocked my socks off with this one!

The storyline, the character build, dialogue, backstory, everything...perfectly executed. Not only are my socks gone, but my, too!

LOL...don't expect to get rich here (I know you're not). We used to have contests where one could win a hundred per chapter and up to three hundred for an overall win; but, those days are gone (alas).

You deserved the plug and I'm always happy to announce a new found pearl...;o)

That's great, my friend...KEEP IT UP! ;o)

Yeah! Send me The Park email...;o)

5 stars for yourself and 5 stars for your opponent. It's the only way to keep it fair; other reader's will determine the winner with their votes.

WBS - doesn't apply to our current, almost done duel because we were already well into it by the time I proposed the honor voting among the contestents...;o)

Thanks, WBS! I haven't forgotten you...lol. The next round in our duel will be posted soon, maybe very soon.

Thanks, Silence. This is the opening salvo in a duel between MrLightening and me. He's writing chapter two...;o)

I'm certain that you are up to the challenge, Light! Thanks...;o)

I don't know if I'd abandon The Park. I think it has a lot of potential. When I stop writing something, for whatever reason; I simply put it on the shelf. I might go looking for it someday and there it'll be, just waiting for me to come back with a new muse...;o).

I was going to suggest to you, anyway, that if you are planning a novel, don't post more than a chapter or two here. If you want someone to read it...send it to them email and solicit commments. There are a lot of folks here that were more than willing to do that...;o)

Great lesson. Great testimonial, Light. You've been sober now for how long? Congratualtions!

Good deal...here's the start chapter...lol.

http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/bugaduto/

Weekends are notoriously slow on SM. I think most of us simply have too many other things going on.

We have a duel, remember? One thing I wanted to add about that, though, before I post the first chapter. I think we should set a minimum of words...say, 1000? What do you think?

About a week ago, I pimped out a new writer...lol...MrLightening.

Today, I've discovered another great "new" addition to the SM community. He/She has actually been here several months, but has somehow slipped under most everyone's radar screens...

An excellent writer, story teller: Check out 'jazzfan', you'll be glad you did!

Fine writing, fine story through four chapters. What becomes of a child that is not abused in the technical sense, not beaten, not sexually abused, but abused all the same?


A withdrawal of love, a constant reminder to be quiet, to what you're told, don't make waves - is a form of abuse not easily identified or dealt with.

I'm hopin' you've got more coming...;o)

Think I'll vote on each chapter and save comment for chapter 4...;o)

LOL...this was hilarious, and you left it open for mashing!

I loved the tone of the narrator. Your simple sentences, no frills style led to a light and fast read that was perfect for this theme. Except for the distinct lack of vulgarity, dope and alcohol; I could easily imagine that I was reading Thompson...great writing, here!
;o)

A belated welcome to SM, jazzfan!

After I got used to the 2d person POV (not easy, I haven't seen that style in many years) about half-way through, I really enjoyed the story.

Your characters are strong, descriptives very well done and the story (which is my main interest) wove its way to conclusion smoothly.

I joined SM about three years ago for the same reasons you have; but, I gotta tell you...I was far behind you in technical skill. The critiques and comments here have helped me tremendously. I'm not sure what any of us can do for you...except add to your ego....lol. No problem there...;o)

Man, you have been sorely missed. Excellently written, carefully worded to match the tone of the initial chapter.

Bringing Sable up to the level of a wise hero and guard was a stroke of genius...;o). I can't think of anything you could add or change to make this better.

Fabulous, JD! I've often thought of doing a story about those shadows or the flash of movement caught in the corner of the eye.

No, that's not entirely what this is about, but it was in there...lol.

I like the mystery, the dark lurking and of course, your indomitable word-smithing.

Thank you, sir or ma'am...:o)

What a hoot! LOL. Great job, WBS!

Couple of things I really liked: The mirror trick and the lead about who would inherit if Justin wasn't married.

One thing I didn't especially like: It was never mentioned how Justin was killed so bringing that in was excellent; but...murder by baseball to the head...yuck. So his head would be all bashed in and wouldn't have "cured" by the reincarnation magic or zombieism, whichever came first. That his bashed in head was never mentioned in the first three chapters indicates that the writer of chapter one and three was a lousy friggin' writer! I'm thoroughly offended!!!

Just kidding...about being offended...lol. Great, great job, WBS!

Holy Moly, Light...all you young whipper-snappers, full of piss and vinegar make me....ummm, wanna teach ya a thing or three...LMAO.

Accepted, but I don't want to start with an already posted chapter here. So, if you'll agree to my doing a fresh kick-off chapter - you're on...;o)

Grammar and spelling much improved...;o).

You moved the story along to its obvious next phase and did it well, except for one thing; that big word I mentioned in the last chapter.

Imagine the scene (as a reader does). Someone called the cops and they arrive to find a woman unconscious on the ground. They wouldn't necessarily see the kid in the car, but even if they did, they're first reaction would be to tend to the victim. Once they determined that she was still alive, they'd call for an ambulance and THEN turn their attention to the child...or...the unidentified woman would go directly to the child while the cops were checking the victim.

Don't you think? ;o)

Oh..almost forgot. Another thing to watch is verisimilitude (I know big word..lol). It means, basically, "real, believable". In this chapter a man pulls Dawn through the car door window. That's not real or believable. It's extremely difficult to pull someone through a car window, especially from a sitting position. The person doing the pulling first has to get a very good grip and be extremely strong; the person being pulled invariably has to "help" and I don't think Dawn wanted to be pulled...;o)

Up front. I'm a story guy. I don't get bent out of shape about grammar or spelling...usually.

So, I like this story but the grammar and spelling are threatening to throw me out of it. Your writing indicates (to me) that the grammar and spelling errors are probably simply due to writing fast and not proofreading what you've written.

Proofread. Check spelling. Pay attention to "you're vs your" for example. You haven't lost me, yet...;o)

Welcome to SM...may I call you SW, your pseudonym is much too long (for me to type)? LOL.

You've been quite busy since joining SM..sometimes a good sign and sometimes not. In your case, a very good sign..;o)

You've got quite a story going here. I like it a lot and I'm off to read more!

Of course! Six chapters. Waiting (rather impatiently) for your chapter four...;o).

PS: send me an email, please...lexallen@yahoo.com

I did the same thing...;o). Good to see that you occasionally drop in. Most everyone (you know who I mean) has dropped off the radar...hope it's only temporary. I finished my novel recently so I've got time to cruise these streets again.

Come on back when you get a chance.

Hey, nash? You out there? You're welcome, too, you know?

Uh...well, gee..uh, let me think...hmmmm.

You might try compressing, i.e. eliminating all the blank spaces between your lines? LOL

LOL...thanks, wolfram. I knew you (and nash) were
lurking out there somewhere. When are you going to come back and play? ;o)

Nice add. Well written and you brought in a new aspect for Goo...alien. That's cool! But, woefully short in relation to the original.

Looking forward to WBS' input...looks like this will be a hot duel...;O)

Excellent. The introduction of Freddie is perfectly timed and ideal for the plot. Me likey! lol

This didn't do much for me. No real story movement, except that it seems Keith isn't going to sit back and wait a year. Could have been the beginning of the next chapter. Not so good as a stand alone chapter, though...sorry.

Possibly the best chapter in this series, so far. Real tension, emotional Keith, really bad Jerry Tokker. The suspense after Keith was told to drive was palpable and a truly genius ending....;o)

So, I'm just going to have to get used to this one line format...lol.

Good chapter. Tension ratcheted upwards, very good dialogue. The ending could have been a bit more cliff-hangy; but, it's not a bad leave, either.

Couple of things. Jerry accuses Keith of shouting after Keith's words were finished with an exclamation point. So, what the heck was Jerry's response...a nuke? LOL.

So, here's my dilemma. Two hundred people have been abducted or otherwise disappeared. Keith's wife and kid among them? Is the 200 a sub plot that will somehow tie in to the main plot line? And where the heck's the danged Park! LOL

;o)

Great! I LOVE that story! But, I gotta say...Light and WBS writing a children's tale? Hmmm...this'll be very interesing...lol

Indeed! Only the duelists are honor bound to vote their opponent a 5 star.

This only applies to future duels as WBS and I are already almost done with the first one...;o)

Thanks, mate! Yeah, I think it cool how a story can take off in a direction the original author would never have suspected; or, even better when several mashers jerk it around...lol

Well, look who's back! LOL.

Lovely continuation, XX. The fact that I had to go back and re-read a couple of the older chapters to refresh my memory is clearly indicative of how much I like this story.

I do have a small nit, though; and, actually it's bothered me from the first. It's when you address your audience, directly. Many of these comments are funny, but, in truth, they kind of throw me out of the story. I'm caught in the middle...I like the comments, but they don't fit into the story and I love the story...hmmm...;o)

I hope we won't have to wait six months or a year for the next one! lol

Welcome to SM.

I read all three chapters before commenting. That wasn't an easy task.

I think you've got a great story here, but your presentation is so weak that very few will read it all the way through.

First - All three chapters are pure tell...there's no show. If you included some dialogue, shorter paragraphs and more show (much more) the story would flow and be of interest.

Second - Verisimilitude. Some of the fighting is beyond belief, example: completely cutting off a hand with a butchers knife. Not gonna happen. In that same fight, as best I can figure, your character pretty much disemboweled the guy and yet, he keeps fighting. Not likely.

In another fight, chapter two, I think...your character takes on two guys. One of them had his pants off, but while his partner is being killed by your main character: he puts his pants back on before joining the fray. Nope, unless he simply had a death wish, knew he was going to die and didn't want to be found without his pants...lol.

The story idea is very good. If you go back and re-write, break up the tell action with show action; add some dialogue. Another drawback is that the story has no real plotline; it rambles without indication of any goal for your character.

I'm writing this to help, not simply to cut you down...;o)

I think we need to add something in order to clearly delineate a winner.

How about votes. Each writer gives himself and his dueling partner 5 stars. That way, there's no "back stabbing". Then, everyone else (that reads the story and comments) votes. The average of the aggregate determines the winner.

I know that there's no oversight on votes. Anyone could go in and leave a one star vote to lower the average, even the duelists; but, hey, there's got to be some honor...right?

The seconds keep track of the votes and compare (if there are two seconds) and announce the winner.

Obviously, I'm open to better ideas...;o)

Are the duels only four chapters long? I thought six. No matter, it's there for you to wrap up...;o).

JD..guess I don't need a second for this particular duel as WBS has the final chapter due in 3, no..4, or is it 5 days? LOL

WBS...the clock's ticking for you. I published chapter three this morning (my time)...;o)

Who's noobie? I can't find him/her anywhere...lol.

I don't think I understand the rules of this duel thing. I think that WBS and I are in a duel with "Lovably Dead", but I'm in the dark as to how many chapters, how is the winner determined (if at all) or exactly how many days one has to write the next chapter; I read something about 4 days, then a week...(shugging shoulders)...lol.

But, if a second is necessary...I would sure be proud to have you as mine, JD...;o). Of course, I'd return that favor if and when you got yourself into one of nasty ol' duels!

OK, WBS...here's chapter three to our duel...way ahead of time...;o).

http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/fuwarona/

I'll gladly suggest to the SM ownership that you get banned. Write stories or go somewhere else. Thanks.

Not borderline, but the only thing I couldn't find to make it definite was a link to some site somewhere...;o).

Welcome to SM, "alphabet"...we need to find another name for you, if you're going to stick around and I hope you do...;o). How about "curly" or "CW"?

I liked this. A lot. Your narrator voice is very good and the story flowed well. It's an interesting story, funny and sad, with much potential.

One nit...the last two sentences really don't belong. Why guess what profession you chose, when you already told us? ;o)

Ahem...it was you that challenged me to this duel after reading that first chapter, right?

The last line might have been a clue on where to go with the story..."Damn, at this rate, he'll be nothing but bloody skin hanging off his bones by the time we get to the wedding."

But, hey, my friend...no harm done and that's what mashing is all about. I'll run with it from where you left off...;o)

Hear, hear, ShadowedPen: I miss the days when the public would have rallied on the steps of congress and demanded change! Passive is too mild to describe...yes, us...these days; apathetic is much more apropos.

What - it takes an obscure remark in the forums column, about a years old contest, to get these two to comment and demonstrate they're still alive and presumably, kickin'?

I like DJ's shortcut name for you better than MrL. "Light" it shall be from now on...;o)

Awww, gee...JD

Reference JDs request. These are the personal favorites that she's written:

Robin's Rabbits
Goo
Soup
The entire Renaissance series (that'll take awhile...lol)
Nikah
Modern Horror - 2

There's several more but these are at the top of my list...;o)

I liked Keith's reactions...calm, thinking through things. I didn't like the outline method you used for expressing his thoughts. I see what you were doing, but...meh...looked and felt odd to me.

"The remote finds my fingertips and I switch the T.V on"...cool, I love it when inanimate objects do things...lol.

And the end? Wow...how in the world do 200 people disappear all at once? I was thinking about mashing (with your permission - I know this is an important story to you), but man...the way you've thrown in the twists...I wouldn't know where to begin..;o)

Short...but tense. You moved the story along, but I'm not sure this was worthy of a separate chapter. ;o)

Holy crapola, WBS...where did this come from? Not anywhere close to where I wanted to go. Although, I didn't really have a direction or good idea of where to go after the first chapter; I was really thinking more in the realm of zombies. Hell, I suppose a Haitian magician, re-animated corpse could be called a zombie. No?

You're not making this duel easy, are ya? LOL

Well, I always claim to be a story guy; and a story guy, I am! This was great. Love the old time detective bit. Cool how you brought the inaugural address into the story, not only setting the time frame but referencing the breaking of laws. I like the Nathan Case character and you turned Kate into a tough broad! lol. Love it...but....

Now what? Yikes!

Send me an email WBS...see above for address.

Quick answer, though, is that the market is quickly becoming flooded so that the emphasis on marketing and setting YOUR book above the masses is imperative.

LOL..Waaaay too much tell and not nearly..nope, no show!

Then again, who needs all that show? As MrL already mentioned, "engaging in the beginning and end". You didn't lose me in the middle, but I had to stay focused, ya know?

I like it. I think it has great developmental potential...;o)

I recently joined the ranks of the "indie" authors (those without publisher/agent) and self published my first novel. It's being sold on Amazon and Smashwords as an e-book. Later this summer I plan to get it out in print and sometime between now and then, a German translation.

The big down side to self publishing is that the author is stuck with self marketing...lol. Several of my writer friends here have agreed to provide a reader's review for the book on Amazon.

If you'd be interested and after reading the manuscript you felt you could give me a good review, I'd like to send you the manuscript. My email is lexallen@yahoo.com.

In the meantime, and even if you don't want to read it; here is the website I set up for the book: http://www.thesecondadvent.com.

Perfect! I really enjoy your writing, MrL. You have a great sense of pace and alternating the positive past with the negative present.

I'm not much for critical review. It's simply not something I do well without a lot of effort; but, I know great writing when I see it and this was definitely one of those. More...soon...please! ;o)

Not too critical, at all. In fact, the best critique/comment I received for this one. My goal was to stay true to the initial chapter and test my skill with the really gross/grotesque. Like you, though, I've had my fill...for the most part...lol. Thanks!

This one was hard to write, too...lol. Yes, you would really have to read the earlier chapters; mine was the conclusion. It was part of a Penny Dreadful style project (one of the few that ever got finished here). Thanks for reading and commenting! ;o)

Echo JD. This is terrific writing, all the technical pieces in place and the beginning of a great story, to boot. ;o)

Outstanding...close to profound. Me likey! ;o)

Welcome to SM, Worldforger.

I'm liking what you've started here and I'm hoping that as you continue you'll get more "show" into the story. Thus far it's all "tell" and I was getting a bit bored already.

Also watch redundancies in your sentences (the first two of the second paragraph for example).

This looks really interesting and I'll be back when you've posted...;o)

I'm so glad you asked, MrLightening (do you mind if I shorten your moniker...MrL? Most everyone here refers to me as WWB.

Here's a few that I'm personally proud of:

Frozen Heart
Deliverance Reincarnate
Elephant Walk (the series)
Jerry's Adventure (Repost)
One Day in the Life
Biker's Haunt

I reckon that's enough for now...lol.

JD is one of the best writer's around here and I'd be glad to recommend several of hers, but I imagine she'd rather give you her own tips.

If you don't give yourself 5 stars, you'll automatically get a 2.9 vote. A lot of folks around here don't care about stars. I do because they almost always (but not always) indicate some of my better chapters/stories.

Well,hey, WBS....I've got cramps in my thumbs from all the twiddling waiting on ya...lol. What's the rules of this duel...4 days?

In this case, I'm 'pimping' a new writer rather than one of his stories.

MrLightening

joined SM on 8 April and he has already proven to very engaged. Three chapters posted, two of them connected and about 20 comments.

We need more writer's like him...;o)

Hmmm. I'm not sure what to say. I mentioned in earlier comment that I didn't pay attention to grammar unless it threw me out of the story. A couple of things, here - did: "month no more later" and "cannot you see". The first time I read each, I thought, no big deal; but, when it was repeated several times...it became bothersome.

Is this Australian speak?

I was into the story, that's the main thing...until the end. Sorry, but you totally lost me...lol.

Excellent!

I gotta tell you. I'm a story guy; don't bother about grammar or punctuation unless it's so bad that it throws me off the story. You won't get much from me on those things - only story.

This could become one helluva good story. I'm curious as to how the title "The Park" (which indicates a specific park in a specific place) could cover the multiple scenes for all these disappearances in so many places. OK...when the **** hits Australia, it'll be in this place - The Park? Cool.

Once again; welcome to SM, MrLightening.

Although very short, made longer by single sentence paragraphs and extra lines between - I like it. A lot. Succinct. A definite "hook". So, I'm making enough time to read the next.

Oh..a tip. It looks like you didn't vote for yourself. Don't be modest. Give yourself 5 stars every time; it'll offset the low votes should you get any...;o)

Welcome to SM, MrLightening. A quick look at your page...you've been very busy since joining the site...;o). Great! We need more writer's like yourself around here.

As to your comment: I don't know...lol. I threw that out pretty quickly. Steam of consciousness? Maybe. I think WBScott has challenged me to a duel on this one and, if so, he'll shed more light, I think. Either way, you are perfectly welcome to settle the issue yourself...;o)

I'm heading off to read at least one of your posts (I'm short of time at the moment).

LOL...thanks, Baz; especially the comment about female characters! I think I got a lot of practice (and female input) while working on the book. Hope it sticks, but I ain't counting on it...lol.

Yup...Lovably Dead is way better than Necrophiliac Love...;o)

Duel...so let's do it. You're up...;o)

What do you mean pointing the laser the wrong way? Are you not in the United States?

Long after the fact, I finally get around to commenting. I read it months ago...;o).

I think you did a fabulous job of moving things along. I really liked the burgeoning relationship between Trina and Mark. Although very brief - part two Mrs. Morrison was a great leave for the next writer.

The final scene was, again, short - but I liked that you left the gruesome details out. I mean, I wouldn't have...lol, but it worked very well for you.

All in all, very well done, DJ

LMAO....what duel? What are the weapons? I've got a laser that might, just might reach across the Atlantic...;o)

LOL...thanks, JD. It was just a long quickie, but it turned out better than I hoped. Maybe I'll throw another chapter on it, myself...;o)

It's been a long time since I published anything here...an even longer time since anyone has used this forum topic...lol

New story start chapter at:
http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/panirila/

Well, it's been one year and nine months since I last read and commented on one of your chapters...but, hey, who's counting?

I really liked this. Mr. Kalish and Miss Timmons were both excellently characterized. The dialogue was smooth and natural, especially the forays "off subject".

I loved Mr. Kalish's attitude and idea of getting all involved to donate their earnings. Fabulous idea even if it could only happen in our wildest dreams.

Excellent!

Aside from your usual excellent writing, two things really showed up for me.

1) Bringing the car back into the story. As nash commented on my initial story; the car played a big role in the first part and then was ignored by all masher's. (I really thought that he would put something about it in his chapter, but nope).
Now, someone could use it again...if anyone adds to the story...lol.

2) The twist at the end was executed beautifully! I hadn't a clue that the "nurse" would be Donna's ex until the last couple of lines. Exceptionally well done!

Your adaptability is absolutely amazing, Aggie. If I spent several days, weeks even, trying to match Nash's style...it still wouldn't happen. You did it without a hitch.

To make things even better, you added your excellent wordsmith talent to move the story further. I especially liked how you introduced the cop characters and Jerry's thoughts about them...;o).

Really fine writing as we've all come to expect from you!

I neglected some links:

Website for the book:
http://www.thesecondadvent.com

Website for Smashwords:
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/50528

Website for Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Second-Advent-Disciples-ebook/dp/B004SHEV2E/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=digital-text&qid=1301667056&sr=1-3

Thanks, JD...for everything! ;o)

Thanks, Djinn! Would you drop me an email, please? lexallen@yahoo.com

Going well. You're still maintaining this unique style but...

A suggestion. You were leading the reader in an obvious direction (that Trina was screwing around or bending to the new bosses urges) and then you delivered just that. Sigh...I was hoping for something different, something I didn't expect.

No harm, you can still give it a good twist and turn your reader inside out...lol. You haven't lost me on this one...standing by for more...;o)

Welcome to SM, spectre13.

I'm an old timer around here but, other than sporadic visits the past couple of months, I haven't been here much lately. When I did visit I seldom saw any new writer's that "moved me"...you did...;o).

I like your style and you did a great job of mixing dialogue with introspective thought to move the story and keep the reader interested.

I'm off to read chapter two...;o)

Drop me an email, lexallen@yahoo.com, I'll be glad to help you get started...;o)

LOL...beautifully written, JD! You're such a word smith...;o)

I wear hearing aids and they've been busted since JC was a corporal, but I did feel a resonance in the air; a soft something that nibbled the back of my neck and urged my fingers to type storymash.com into the URL block.

Where is everyone? Are they really all dead? Why couldn't WBS save them?

My favorite character of yours...the guy with the photographic memory. Hmmm, but this is a "new" guy, right?

No matter. Excellent follow on to the "experimental chapter. Except for one teensy thing. Now, I'm pretty sure there's a reason and I'm equally sure it's a valid reason; but it slips by me. Why did you use second person in this chapter? I really need to know, man! ;o)

Ahhh, finally back to SM (as in storymash, Baz)...;o).

Got my book done, self published. It'll be online around the first of April. So, I thought I'd see what's up around here. Other than this...not much and what is, ain't worth talking about. Where the hell did all the good writer's go?

Thank Whomever, you're still here; albeit two months ago, anyway...lol.

Great start! I agree with al, too...flesh it out, even as a first chapter. How does one do all that flying with a gun? Like your characters already, but could use a little more. I'm not friendly with them, yet; I know it's only the first chapter. Still...the "experiment" could use a little more work.

I hope you know that I would never, ever say that to 98% of the writer's here. I don't think they'd understand what I was talking about...lol.

Thanks, WBS! Man, I'm glad it's done..., but it's book one of a trilogy..so it ain't really done and I'm definitely committed to writing the next and the next..lol.

Ah, Baz, Baz....I've been away awhile and just realized how much I missed ya, man! Great job! ;o)

Excellent piece of double entendre, rico! Loved how you used the vernacular all the way through, too.

A really fun read...thanks! ;o)

Sweet! Rico76sgirl took the words right out of my mouth and it wasn't even while she was kissing me...lol.

Sorry, I'm a Meatloaf fan.

Good stuff, here. Somewhere along the way, I lost track of you here on SM and that's a damned shame! I completely missed that you'd published a whole danged book...lol. I'll get to it. Promise.

In the meantime, please tell me why you published a novel here...when you could have self published an e-book? I read the first chapter...it's very, very good...;o)

I seldom read poetry, but this one "got me"...lol.

Loved it!

My bad...I meant to write...

"I was dismayed at the lack of storytelling you displayed in THE STORIES BETWEEN Blood Lust..."

I really liked Blood Lust...;o)

So, what happened between your first story (Blood Lust) and this one? I felt like I was reading two different authors. In one of your posts (Chapter 4, I think it was), I starting reading the first three chapters by a different author. When I read your mash, I laughed aloud, thinking that you had copied the original style on purpose. Not a particularly good style...;o(.

Reading from the bottom to the top of your postings, I was dismayed at the lack of storytelling you displayed in Blood Lust...until I got to this one. I'm glad to see that you're back on track...;o)

Still, you should really pay more attention to grammar. As I said in my first comment, I don't bother with grammar unless it's really bad. This story borders on really bad; but the story is very good. A paradox!

Try writing shorter sentences. Watch punctuation and spelling. Writing here is not like text messaging...capitalize "i"....lol.

Good start...but, I really wish you'd triple the length for a starting chapter...;o)

Welcome to SM, TwistedHorror. I've been on something of a leave of absence and missed you when you first published.

I was pleasantly surprised to see a good, new writer here; most of the latest editions leave much to be desired.

Although I saw several grammatical errors, I don't dwell on them unless they take over half the story. No...I'm a story guy and this is a very good story. Erotic horror...gotta love it; or, a new twist to the worn out vampire fare...gotta love that, too.

Dang! I was trying to remember how to put an extra line in and accidentally posted the comment...lol. It has been a long time!

So, the first book of my trilogy "The Second Advent: Disciples" will be published on Amazon.com on 17 March! I hope several of my old friends here will check it out.

Also, a website dedicated to the book can be found at www.thesecondadvent.doodlekit.com

Now that the book is done, I look forward to spending more time here again...;o)

Remember me? It's been about three months since I dropped out of the latest project in order to finish my book and finish it, I did...;o)

Welcome to SM, WritingFreak.

I sincerely hope that this is not a real biography!
If it is...please know that you must re-write the part of your story that talks about no sympathy. You certainly have mine.

I like your pacing, the short sentences. The voice, too, is authentic...that of a fourteen year old...a precocious fourteen year old, to be sure. Interesting how you brought me into the story. I'll be looking for more...;o)

I'm afraid that I must follow JD for the same reasons. I'd hoped to be able to back into the project with the holiday hiatus, but it's not happening.

Like JD, as well, I look forward to reading and commenting as I can.

Exquisitely written, Aggie! Every sentence, every paragraph was perfectly tuned to the next. You moved the plot forward while racheting up the tension another whole crank of the wheel...;o)

Love it!!

Personally, I would like to have the project put on the back burner until after the first of the year. I'm pretty sure I would be in position to get back into it by then...;o)

LOL...thanks, Aggie!

I never thought this day would come, but I feel obligated to drop out of the project. Obligated because I'm over a week late on the last chapter, the next round is due next week and I've a guilty conscience about holding everyone else up.

It's not a question of time, it's a lack of balance. I'm out of balance...too much going on and my brain seems to have shut down for anything but the absolute necessities. All of which is exacerbated by my aforementioned "guilty conscience". In short...I can't get my head around the story lines to even get a decent paragraph written.

I hope there's no hard feelings. I don't know how long this fugue will last, but I also hope that I'll be welcome to return whenever that time comes.

Until then...I wish you all great writing!!

Vielen dank, Chefin! ;o)

Sigh! I'm late...again. My excuse? A week long business trip. Okay...lame, but it's all I got. Two days..at least. ;o(

lexallen@yahoo.com....;o)

Damn!!

Welcome back, ShadowedPen! I'll tell that your writing has always impressed me, but this time it was more the subject that caught my attention.

I think that SM started with the idea of publishing collaborative work in a collection of short stories - never realized. I applaud your idea. It takes collaboration so much further...greater potential for the writer's involved.

There remain many details, more questions...but, if someone kicks this off (you?), I would certainly welcome an invite to participate...;o).

Baz...you've taken this thing to new heights. I f... up and read chapter one first, but hey, there was zero loss of impact, either way. Like eleven, I really like your voice in everything of yours that I've read. I'm was always a fan...now, even more so!

Hey, Baz...you know I really liked the first drafts of this and I love this new version. It's so much tighter, polished and has a definitive direction. Great stuff! ;o)

WBS...welcome to you, too! Really glad to see you on this mash. Doesn't matter, really, which you take now, you'll get the other later...lol

Wow. Read this and realize, once again, how badly I miss those months when you simply disappear from around here and how much I love it when you come back....;o)

Hey, Eleven...welcome, welcome to the mash!! Each storyline is 9 chapters. I am definitely looking forward to your chapters...;o)

Great to see the two of you on this mash!!! Welcome aboard, WBS and Eleven...;o)

Thanks, Aggie...it wouldn't have been without your prompting! ;o)

Yep, I missed the connection with chapter one. I wouldn't have had the jelly in the fridge had been strawberry jam. In that case, my feeble brain would have made the connection..lol. Still, you've got me in the story (that's really what's important, isn't it?) and I'm looking for chapter three!...;o)

Oh..one teensy thing...you use a lot of adverbs. Not a crime, of course, but generally less adverbs equals better writing. Well, that's what I've been told, anyway...lol

Welcome to SM, meggyheaddy...;o).

Intriguing debut here. I like your style but, you lost me at the very end...lol.

Great and Glorious Leaders of the Summer Mash..;o)

Should I not be writing chapter 5 of "Winter Fail"? Seems dkk dropped out before she could follow JD with a chapter 5 and shadinah dropped out before she could follow in dkk's with a chapter 5; and, since I'm not dropping out and normally follow shadinah, except that she didn't post; I should be following dkk, except she didn't post so now, I should be following JD who did post, a most excellent chapter four and therefore, whereas and to wit I am now on chapter five...right? LOL

One more thing, please...JD...please send me an email and clarify, in your opinion what "the truth" might be..;o)

Excellent chapter, al! The back story was brilliant and flawlessly executed.

I thought I had posted/published the revised Soccer Dad - 5 on Friday. Oooops! Here it is: Soccer Dad - It Wasn't Michael!

http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/herudisi/

Damned shame that we are losing such great writer's from this mash project; but, I'm sure we'll get worthy replacements...;o).

I wish you -Ace, shadinah and dkk a quick recovery from those things that are currently upsetting your writing lives.

DJ...look forward to your chapter. I hope you hadn't already started using my draft as springboard, but I think this version gives you a much better starting point...;o) Oh...and thanks, again, Aggie for the suggestions!!

I commented on Ace's chapter about my total surprise at the plot twist, but it was so well done that you have to applaud.

You really jumped on it and did a fantastic job, all without losing any of your trademark style. I think I could read anything you wrote and know it was you...;o).

Excellent chapter, nash!

Fabulous writing, Ace!

Normally, I'm all for supernatural and have often turned a story in that direction in the past. There was always something about it that allowed me to...so I did. This one caught me completely by surprise...lol.

And I thought I was pretty good at "twisting" plots! You did this flawlessly...really, really great writing.

Great back story chapter, TBH! The fact that Heath, in this chapter, is so much different than his character in the first is indicative of how much he's changed over the years.

You did a grood job on his emotional conflicts and the father/son relationship...all that blend perfectly to develop his character.

I agree that you kept the Heath's character intact but have to say that the first half here was so much like the first chapter in content that it was almost (but, only almost) boring.

The cafe scene was excellent with only a couple of lines that gave away the "robbers" real intent.

Overall, tense, skillful writing...;o)

Aggeloi gave me some great advice for Soccer Dad, Chapter 5. If I accept her advice (and I most certainly will), I'm gonna miss the deadline by at least a day.

I know - I should have started and posted the draft earlier...but...;o)

Yeah, al...I counted the danged preceding chapters at least 20 times...it's chapter 5..lol

Thanks, Aggie. *smacking myself in the head*...I agree totally with your idea. I'm smacking myself because I didn't think of it that way.

I was trying to show that he had seen the boy being pushed into a car and that had triggered his "relapse" and that, by the next morning, he simply had no recollection of it.

Obviously, that didn't come across...so, I'll go back to the drawing board and see if I can implement your version. That will cause me to miss the deadline...just you know...it'll be on your head....LOL.

Seriously, thanks again! ;o)

Posted Soccer Dad - 5 in draft. I was going to just publish, but since I put such a humongous twist into the storyline, I figured I better leave it in draft in case there's a really big back lash...lol.

http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/herudisi/

I, for one, am very grateful for this post!! Talk about confused! Not any more...;o) Thanks!

lol..thanks, aggie!

Confusing...hmmm? Nice leave? Well...since I'm next...uh...yeah. Tense?..definitely. Well written...for sure!

Where are we? I haven't seen many comments on the latest round. Is everyone done? What's the deadline for the next round?

Congratulations! Name? ;o)

Thanks, nash!! I remember well the first time I was able to knock your socks off - I'm no less grateful for the accolade this time! ;o)

Great job, TBH. I went back and re-read Foo's initial chapter and agree with al - you did a great job matching the tone. I also think you further developed the docs character and his wife quite well. I was a teensy bit confused about Barbara's dream? faint?...not sure what went on there.

Overall...great addition and perfect leave for the next writer...;o)

LMAO...welcome back wolfram! Loved this...;o)

You're so right, shadinah! Fortunately, JD came to the rescue and set me straight (read fixed my goofs) before I published. I hope you'll read again...;o)

LOL...another excellent piece of work, Aggie. I loved it. I love the storyline and the character but I'm sure dreading my turn on this one.

Shifting away from the main dish, centering on the ice cubes was perfectly executed and your usual superior word-smithing was evident throughout...;o)

Fabulous entry, Aggie...one of those - can't stop reading, unhappy when the chapter ends - kind of reads. Dialogue, story line, characters - all perfectly executed. And the end....genius! ;o)

Wholeheartedly agree with DJ about keeping the precision tone. I wonder why you might have found this storyline daunting...lol...I don't think there could ever be a storyline that you couldn't fit into...;o).

Great writing, great job, JD!!

Hey, hebe...been a long time...lol. Still, I recognized you in this chapter. The character build, intertwined with detail (the show kind of detail) was expertly done.

I really liked the detail of the "mystery" wife being an artist with extreme tastes. I think that could become an excellent plot point...even if, as all indications point to, the wife is dead.

Welcome to SM, skylark10!

An excellent splash you've made, too...;o). There were several parts of the first chapter that confused a bit; I was glad to see that you smoothed them out. Although the idea is to follow the original story writer's voice (which you did quite well), I think one should also insert their own voice. Hard to do, but you did an excellent job of it.

Obviously, I had to read the first chapter - first!

How in the hell you got from that to this is...typical...WBS! LOL. Loved the twist, right off the bat, in the storyline.

Your chapter, then, was very well written and paced and the tie-in to the original chapter at the end was very, very well done.

A Modern Horror - 5 is published.

http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/rabebiri/

This should read: A Modern Horror - 5 by J.D. Renaissance and writerwannabe.

JD..thanks so much for your help and beautifully written inserts.

Excellent addition, nash. I, too, liked how you expanded Donna's character and gave us a visual.
I'm curious, though, that the cops are not all over the ex?

Not only Gel, but Mickey will surely become prominant characters in the next chapter...can't wait! ;o)

A Modern Horror - 5 is up in draft.

http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/rabebiri/

I gotta admit that, for me as a contributor, this is the most daunting of all the story lines. Long chapters, lots of characters, the timelines...

Considering all the other things competing for my time and attention lately, I've done the best I could here. That's not intended as an excuse; rather, it's a plea...lol. Any and all comments that I can get in time to publish on Sunday the 3rd are greatly appreciated...;o)

This is great, al! Skillet! Definitely a skillet, not a fryin' pan...;o)

You've certainly done your homework on Austin. The "famous" Austin bats...cool.

I really liked the paragraphs where Zane saved the jogger..a new character? Perhaps.

A bit short, but what really matters is that you moved the story forward. I liked how you connected Rose to John White and the bit with the witch was excellent...;o).

The suspense was Sunday, the 26th? OK..I know that the excuse, "life got in the way" is getting old - can you say ancient? But...well....I need an extension. I can't say how long but..yeah.

I haven't seen any other recent posts...could I be wrong about the suspense? (I hope).

Well said, JD. I agree wholeheartedly and I will hold up my end...;o)

Wow, shadinah...you really upped the ante from your last draft to this final...lol. Good thing I wasn't too far along in my chapter! Great job here and as usual a very hard act to follow...but, I'm on it...;o)

Hey, shadinah - please publish. I'm starting on my chapter and if you're going to make changes, I need to know...;o).

Welcome to SM! It's not often that the first post from a "newbie" is as good as this one...;o)

Excellent attention to detail, short-concise descriptives and your use of the "cut the crap and get to the story" ummm...rule was perfectly executed. I will certainly be looking for more of your work. Again...very welcome to SM!

Yeah, I'll be glad to help you out, Ace!

Hope you find painless peace again, soon...:o)

Wow! I'm scared mommy, why do I always have to play with the smart girls? Why can't I follow around someone like me? LOL...

You are a very hard act to follow, shad; but, I love the challenge.. ;o). This is excellent - truly. Loved the opening conversation between Emily and Katie, the Trina scene (especially the resolve to take action - that gives me some ideas for my chapter) and the look into Johnny's situation and physche.

I think I know what characters JD was talking about and I'm kind of glad you didn't get to them in this chapter...more/better opportunity for me...:o)

Shine on, JD...;o).

I liked it all..make that loved it all. I'm really liking Vic and as others mentioned - building hopping - crossing the street in China and, what no one else has thusfar mentioned - the newspaper sticking bit..;o)

Great cliffhangar ending. I'm glad I don't follow you because I have no clue what "the truth" could possibly be...lol

DAMN! I don't know how that happened but, I can't get rid of the above comment, which is, in fact the chapter!!!!

The real Robin's Rabbit - 4 is posted - where it should be - http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/hipugohe/

Sorry!

Robin's Rabbit - 4 is posted.

The path they followed was relatively wide and free of underbrush. Leaves, twigs and a few rocks dotted the way, but these were not a hindrance. Robin set a fast pace and estimated their arrival at Ribbon Falls would be no more than three hours, a good hour before dark; if they were able to keep their current pace and if the girl and the rabbit could keep up. Those “ifs” on her mind, Robin glanced at Rose, walking to the right. She looked a mess, but certainly better than when Robin had found her. Her long brown hair was a tangled rat’s nest. Her dress, nothing more than a long strip of the cheapest material had been folded with a hole cut in the middle for the girl’s head to fit through. The sides were crudely sewn with strips of what appeared to be cat gut, again leaving small openings - these for the girl’s arms. The tunic was torn in a couple of places and still wet from her near death experience in the pond. She was moving along quite well, though, with a slight smile on her lips. She noticed Robin looking at her and returned the stare, her slight smile growing as their eyes connected. The look lasted only an instant and both turned away to watch where they were going.

Rose slipped her hand into Robin’s, who automatically took it and gave the girl’s hand a comforting squeeze. Again they glanced at each other and smiled. Rose said, “How much further, do you think?”

“To Ribbon Falls? Oh, I think two to three hours, if we can keep up this pace.” She glanced back to see if the rabbit was still with them. He was about a meter behind. He didn’t notice Robin’s look as he was casting looks to each side of the path as he trotted along. Robin couldn’t tell for sure, but the rabbit seemed wary of something. She wanted to know what could be causing his concern.

Turning forward, she said, “I think we should take a short break, though. We’ll stop at the next clearing.” She threw another glance at the rabbit, but he seemed not to have heard, so intense was his concentration elsewhere.

A clearing appeared to the right of the path and Robin pulled Rose toward the inviting green circle of grass; but, when she turned her attention to the rabbit - he was nowhere to be seen.

***********************************************

The watcher moved easily among the heavily wooded forest. His way was not as easy as on the path that the Huntress and her entourage followed, but he was skilled in the ways of the wood and, almost without looking where he was going, had no problem traversing the forest floor, though heavily covered with fallen tree limbs and underbrush growth. His movement was silent and parallel, but slightly behind that of the small group he tracked.

His job was to follow the Huntress from Dusk Forest to Ribbon Falls. He was to insure she followed the regular paths and roads and, if she deviated, report to the others who waited at the ambush site.

He wondered about the girl. She wasn’t part of the plan. He remembered how the woman had tried to shoot the rabbit. He’d laughed at her inability to hit it with two arrows; and she was called the Huntress, he’d smirked. But then, she’d gone after the rabbit and...he’d seen the plums.

He cursed his own lack of self control but, plums were his passion and his bane. He was surprised to find plums in this part of the woods. He’d lived here all his life and never encountered any within a hundred miles of this place.

He knew when he started that he wouldn’t stop until the tree was bare of its fruit. He knew, also, that he would have to answer an urgent call of nature shortly afterwards. Somewhere between finding the plums and finishing his search for a toilet; he’d lost track of the Huntress. Sweating bullets, he worried, for almost two hours, that he had lost her completely.

He knew the consequences of failure. His Master, Lord Phillip would have him publicly skinned alive, then tied down over a King Ant mound where it would take days for him to be slowly stung and eaten to death by the ants. His relief at finding the Huntress back on the path was beyond description but now he worried about the girl and the rabbit. How would he explain where they’d come from? He hadn’t seen what happened. He hoped his punishment for this lack of intelligence, when he reported to the Master, would not be fatal...or disabling. He shuddered and then tried to push those thoughts from his mind.

Suddenly, a figure stepped from behind a tree twenty yards ahead. The appearance was so sudden that the watcher was frozen in place as his eyes took in the sight of the man. Everyone knew John White. John White, the rebel. John White, the thief. John White, the murderer of Lord Phillip’s soldier’s. John White, the...

Only a second or two had passed. The legend had appeared, the watcher recognized him and the arrow had passed completely through the watcher’s heart to thickly thud into a tree behind him. The watcher looked at the hole in chest. His last thought was relief. Relief that he would not have to face the wrath of Lord Phillip. He crumpled to the ground and died.

*************************************************

Robin eyed the rabbit as it jumped into the clearing. The rabbit stared back. Robin’s keen eyes did not miss the smug satisfaction that had replaced the look of concern on the rabbit’s face before he’d disappeared.

“What have you been up to?” She cocked her head and her narrowed eyes bored suspiciously into the rabbit’s own..

The rabbit stood on it’s hind legs and, ignoring her look, motioned with it’s front paws. He seemed to be indicating that they should get going. Robin knew the rabbit had been up to something. She had no idea what that something was, but - yes, he’d definitely been up to something - something he seemed quite pleased about. She also knew she would get nothing out of him right now. She nodded at the rabbit and reached a hand to Rose.

The girl pulled her eyes from the rabbit and took Robin’s hand. Rose could not get over the feeling that she knew this rabbit from somewhere; and, that he was not all that he appeared to be. When the rabbit met her eyes, she recognized him...something about him that calmed her. She smiled at him and looked up to the woman who had saved her life. She owed her, she knew; but, she also trusted her implicitly. She was not like the other royals she had come across. She wasn’t haughty. Rose had not missed the fact that Robin had immediately identified her as one of the lower class nor had she missed the quick dismissal of the fact in Robin’s face.

Robin turned from the rabbit and headed back toward the path, but he suddenly appeared in front of her. She stopped in her tracks. “What now?” She asked.

The rabbit hopped off to his left.

“We’ll lose too much time going through these woods, silly rabbit.”

He stood on his hind legs and locked his gaze with her. She felt his assurance that he would lead them through. He had, after all, led her to the girl. As strange as he was, as weird as the situation was; Robin was slowly but surely beginning to accept the rabbit as if he were human - as if he were a trusted friend.

She sighed and said to Rose, “Well, it looks like our furry friend has grown tired of the path.”

Rose smiled and nodded. “I trust him, Huntress.”

Startled, Robin spun around to face the girl. “What did you call me?”

Robin’s gaze was so intense that Rose was suddenly frightened; not only at Robin’s glare but also the words that had tumbled from her mouth. “I...I’m sorry...I don’t know where that came....came from,” she stammered.

The rabbit jumped on Robin’s boot, distracting her attention from Rose and, standing, patted her thighs repeatedly - like a drum roll. The instant Robin shifted her eyes to him, the rabbit jumped off her foot and hopped a few feet away, again in the direction he wanted them to go.

Robin’s temper abated. Her brilliant green eyes shifted from the girl to the rabbit and back again several times. Mentally shrugging her shoulders, she resigned herself to the strangeness. At the same time, she promised herself that as soon as they got to Ribbon Falls she would shed these two and concentrate on the contest - the most important event of her life and one that she dared not lose.

Yeah, I thought the switch to the "the Watcher" was too abrupt, couldn't find the words for a transition...lol. I assume you're talking about a space break in the text? That's a great idea...;o)
Thanks, JD!

Posted is a rough draft - about a half to three quarters complete for Robin's Rabbit-4.

Located here: http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/hipugohe/

Half to three-quarters rough draft. Appreciate comments

I'm looking forward to the next chapter...;o)

I discovered why I was having problems finishing up my novel. It was because I was trying to stick to the outline I had in my head and on paper. Now, I'm working each chapter "without a definite structure"...lol. Scary - no; fun - lots and lots!

WhoHoooo! Way to go, DJ. I will definitely "check it out"...;o)

Fabelhaft! Ditto al and JD and nash; yep, I think you left it in a perfect place.

Throughout this storyline, I've been thinking of the why's and wherefore's the Dad keeps coming back to life and how the son figures in to that. I can't recall anyone getting down to the essence of that. So...thanks, Nash...;o)

I have...it is!! ;o)

Is this the same story? LOL. Of course, it is and I know it'll become clear somewhere.. somehow...;o)

Several grammar errors, primarily misspelling but, not my bag...just a suggestion to give it another proofread.

Wow. You continue to amaze me with impeccable attention to detail, ever increasing tension and character building. As with your Renaissance story, I'm literally bouncing in my chair, wanting to read more!

I wanted to add: I think it really important for all of the writer's in this mash read and comment on their peers. Case in point (and there are several others): alharris posted a draft of his next chapter about a week ago. With one exception, no one has commented. He posted a draft to solicit comments and make his addition to that storyline better (not that it needs to be better). Please, everyone in the mash, read-comment-post your chapters and reap the rewards..;o)

Same here, Ace. I recall a beautiful series of stories similar to this, a year or so ago, that was HOT for the first 4 or 5 rounds and then...slowly died off. I'd hate to see that happen again. So, even though I was way late on my last chapter installment; I won't be again! Hope everyone joins me in that mindset...;o)

I dare say you have the male/female relationship thing down pat...lol.

I could recall my wife and I having a discussion just like this except that the roles would be reversed, more often than not...well, fifty/fifty...;o)

I'm telling you, the dialogue and the visuals you gave me were perfect - true to life - real; and, that's just the descriptive narrative and dialogue about the dog. The last sentence was off the map - a cliffhanger extraordinaire!

Fixed it quick! ;o)...reads much better and the whole chapter is excellent!

Man, you nailed this puppy, al! Cranked up the tension and the mystery, ID'd..even without a name, the villain and totally kept the characters - in character; not to mention a perfect leave for the next writer...;o)

I had itsy bitty nit: This paragraph -

The past has many doors. This was one door I wanted tp padlock, to hammer shut with nine-inch nails. It was now unclear what to do. Ron and I spent an hour, maybe two, just staring through each other. I'm sure he was reviewing silently the last twenty-four hours, while I went over in my my mind the last twenty-four years.

First, a couple of typo's. More importantly, I think it a bit hard to believe that Ron and Addie, "spent an hour, maybe two just staring through each other". That's not in Addie's make-up. Too long without her taking action. Ron, yeah, probably okay, but not Addie. I love the opening line and the last line of that paragraph!

Thanks, shad! It's always especially nice to get a thumbs up from the previous chapter's author.. ;o)

LOL...sho' 'nough...:o)

Thanks, al...;o)

Are you making fun of me???? lol

I know. I use a lot of ellipses in my comments because...well, because...that's actually how I talk!! lol

The key, for me, to do the back story came when I read in the previous chapter how Ras rubbed the obsidian stone in the hilt of his sword and the power...an evil blacker than his own....

That led me down my path...where did the stone come from and what was the evil that entered his body.

Stephen King's "The Dark Tower" was his effort to do his own kind of "Tolkien" thing. He even admitted to "borrowing" some ideas. Crimson King was very much like Sauron and his "eye".

The key, for me, to do the back story came when I read in the previous chapter how Ras rubbed the obsidian stone in the hilt of his sword and the power...an evil blacker than his own....

Thanks, dkk! I thought of doing that and decided not to because...well, just because...lol.

Intriguing story start.... The voice and pace are perfect. I like it...;0)

;o) thanks, again, JD!

Like al, I really liked how the rabbit led Robin to the proper CPR procedure! I almost missed it, but only for a second...;o). In fact, I like how you've built on the rabbit - both the talent he has and the mystery behind him. I hope that I can build on that even more.

I thought you brought the Rose's character into the story very well and her reference to her father being at the tournament not only got the story back on that track, but introduced another potentially interesting character; perhaps even a competitive alliance? Hmmmm....the old brain is whirring...lol

Sorry for the late arrival, dkk. I'm so behind on everything here and elsewhere...lol. Also, I knew I was going to be adding a chapter and I have to read the whole series before I do. So, now I am up for chapter four on this storyline and we're off...lol.

I liked how the rabbit communicated, but I kept waiting for it to actually speak...lol. Nope, but better so.

I don't know about how Robin addressed the rabbit except that she used different terms from time to time. I liked "silly rabbit" the most...reminded of Elmer Fudd talking about Bugs...except, of course, he'd say, "silly wabbit"...;o)

I really liked how you ended this chapter...opens up a whole new dimension of mystery and suspense.

You know I give a rats **** for grammar, but you really should be a little more careful. There were several missing words, words misspelled, etc. I'm surprised our resident Grammar Queen...I can't bear to call the lovely lady a Grammar Nazi...lol - let you off so easily. You must be charmed, I'm sure...;o)

Thanks, JD...;o).

Had I not hit the publish button when I did, I would certainly go back and change the beginning to give the reader a little more lead into the back story.

The references to Tolkien and Stephen King's "Crimson King" were only designed to show the presence of different parallel universes and how our wizard, here, had "been around". I sometimes forget that my reader's are not always as "into" things like parallel universes, quantum theory and such as I am; and, too, I didn't clarify all of that very well here...;o(.

Thanks again for the feedback. I only wish I could take advantage of it with a little re-writing!

Fabulous! Perfect interplay among the characters, very visual. I don't know what you could add or remove from this chapter but, if you do, I'll add comment. Otherwise, I like this and, for my money - post it...;o)

This I have no problem commenting on...lol.

Excellent writing - descriptive narrative, Dutin's character build, scene progression, metaphors and analogies just right, not too much nor too little - and a resounding bang...WTF...at the end. Great! ;o)

I read this awhile back but didn't comment because I couldn't find the words I wanted. I didn't want to be negative and I didn't want you to think that I didn't enjoy the story.

JD's comment is exactly what I would've said, wanted to say, if only I were capable of saying it. So, I'll leave it at that...;o)

Great addition, Ace! I totally agree with DJ about favorite lines: "He had Christ beat by four decades" in particular and the reference to dad's anger as "releasing" was brilliant.

I also agree with Cleo's nitpick about the lucidity of his mother's deathbed letter. I didn't even catch the "bookshelf" reference...lol.

I liked where you went with this and you left the next writer in a great position...he/she gets to announce his "decision"...;o)

I've finally posted my next chapter "Jewel Guardians - 3". It's located here:

http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/fomugisi/

I planned to put it up as a draft but hit the danged publish button instead! Now, we'll all have to live with it - for better or worse. Maybe I'll be sorry about that - maybe not...;o)

Even though I'm almost two weeks late, I intended putting this up as a draft for a couple of days to garner whatever comments might be forthcoming. I'm happy with the product, but not sure it even fits into the story properly, being entirely back story. Well, for better or worse, I inadvertently hit the publish button - and here it is!

I agree with al's comments and add - welcome, very welcome to SM. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to get to your other postings, but if this is any indication, they will be very good and I'll hurry...;o).

I especially liked how you kept the character - in character - except for calling the cops "pig"; but, you maintained his frantic thought processes and his tension high. Loved the piece with the cell phone interferring throughout. I did get a slight bit confused with the positioning of the police cars and then, our coaches' proximity to the Volvo; but, it certainly wasn't enough to distract from the pace of the story.

Very well done and, like al, I hope longevity here is another of your strong points...;o)

I didn't pay the slightest attention to the timeline and I certainly didn't catch the punctuation errors. What I read was the story and, my god, JD; you took Aggeloi's fabulously well written, plotted and characterized story start and made it brilliant! This could (and probably should) be continued into a novella or perhaps a full novel. It has so much more potential than "just" a story.

The introduction of the new characters, the tension build, the intricacies of Trina's emotional state, the web that she's entwined in and the twists to the storyline are absolutely fantastic. If I could, I'd give this chapter double the five stars allowed!

It's Tuesday, 2235 Central European Time and I'm only half way done with my next chapter. I guess I'm the last, huh?

I'm sorry, but I'm going to need a tad more time...;o(

Muchas gracias, Senora's y senorita's bonita! ;o)

I thought that I would be able to get some writing done while on vacation...nope. I figured I'd get it down this week after vacation, regardless of the jet lag that always kicks my butt...nope. So, now it's Thursday afternoon and tomorrow is the deadline.

Tomorrow I have a gig and Saturday another one. Sunday, I'll be recovering from the gigs. Can I please have an extension until..umm, midnight pacific time on Tuesday? Heh, that's gives me until Wednesday 9 am, Central European Time...lol.

A female serial killer...very unusual..;o). More unusual than a gruesome killing in the small town of Rustic, I betcha!

Great storyline, good job establishing the scene and the characters. I think you over did the tendencies by both brothers to barf...lol.

YES! The added tension with the phone, more cops in the chase, longer version...muy excellente! ;o)

LOL...amazing!!! What is it, one or two years in the works and you still came back and posted a new chapter. That's determination! That's Irish!! ;o)

I'm traveling at the moment, but I will get around to reading your new addition soon and thanks for leaving me a note to look for it...;o)

It's not SM sponsored. I think alharris mentioned doing something, JD picked up on it, Aggeloi kicked a boost and then...everyone else piled on...lol. Hell, even Nash came out of his lurking mode!!

I think, in fact, that alharris is looking to start a second group...hit him up...;o)

I think it's a bit too short, JD. You certainly kept the tension up. Introducing the cop is a great idea and increases the speed of the story. I like the paragraph about quality time, men crying and three year old head butts.

Maybe adding to the chase...coach, Volvo, cop.. and stopping at some sort of climax to the chase scene? Just an idea. You DID ask...LOL.

Wow, DJ...I mean..WOW! You kept the tension high, all of the characters - in character; and finally, after leading me to believe you weren't going to deliver...you gave us the words on the towel...;o) Exquisite!

I think it obvious that Joey would have to be brought back into the story, though not the way you did it. Well done.

Hey, dog....every time you're gone for more than a week or three, you come back and knock my socks off...lol. Yeah. a tad long, especially for a character sketch!!

Bad timing, my friend. Most of us are wrapped up in ...whatever the current mash project is being called; otherwise, I'd really give this one a long look for a mash.

I wanted to add: I know these are early chapters and there's six or seven more to come and you can't floor board the danged thing, all the time. Reconsidering, based upon fuel economy..;o)...this probably was the right mix of detail and forward movement in the storyline.

Looks good to me, too, Aggie. JD beat me to the Florida/Toronto flap....lol.

But, another sentence - scrawny guy says (paraphrase) "won't be anything coming in a while" - shouldn't it be "for awhile"?

Otherwise, I thought it well written but...no offense...kind of "ho hum". The only real plot movement was Dad coming to Toronto. Vic wasn't very active here. Although there were several of your fantastic word-smithing paragraphs - the struggle with glasses and mittens for example - well, I just wasn't "thrilled" with this chapter as I usually am when reading your work.

Agree with al. Let's not get too far ahead, though, al....he's still got close to six minutes before the brew is done and then...eating it. That's at least one, maybe two more chapters...lol.

Great job, nash!

Donna turned out to be quite a surprise, al, and I loved how you first continued, and then gave a little twist to Jerry's character. So, now we have a dominant porno store owner, submissive Jerry, bad **** Gel and an ex-hubby shooting the place up! If that ain't kick **** creative writing, I don't know what it!!! LOL. Loved it, my friend. I don't think you "missed" anything!

Thank you, dkk...;o). Maybe Djinn will let us all know what was on the towel....and, then again...maybe not...lol

Thanks, JD. Following a woman writing POV of a woman is pretty danged hard for me...and, too, the woman I'm following is shadinah!!!! lol...need I say more?

LOL...or not!

Happy SM birthday! You're coming into this world has enriched us all. Hope to celebrate many more birthdays with you here! ;o)

Welcome to SM! Great debut. I think you did a good job of developing the characters, in particular Rosland. You get two stars for the setting - Round Rock, Texas...lol.

I don't spend much time commenting on grammar, etc unless it's so bad that the story becomes unreadable. Not so, here...but, there were several errors (other than the "threw"/"through" that al mentioned) that should not have slipped through your proofread. Not a biggie...but, don't let yourself get too sloppy.

All in all, I thought this a good story. Dialogue was realistic, characters well started, scene set and left well for a mash. It seems you are quite keen on joining the Masher's Round. alharris is looking for a few good writer's for a second tier. Let him know you're interested in the forum...;o).

Great mash, Ace! In particular, I think you kept the voice consistent and moved the story forward quite well.

Will we see the crockpot come to life, perhaps? What about the mysterious, one paragraph, female character in Al's first chapter? Does she reappear? Lots of ways to go and your closer left it wide open...;o).

Slept on it...decided posting something as a draft was out of character for me...lol. Although alharris was really quick and helped with a grammar issue, time's up. Posting in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....done!

Thanks, al! You're right about me and grammar/typos..lol. But, I DO like to have them pointed out when I have an opportunity to fix them. I'll do that, now.

Excellent start, shad! Waking to a dog licking her face and then confronting her strange new world. Nice.

Since, it seems I'm going to be following you around, throughout this mash project, (sheesh, what a challenge!) I sure hope you're planning on adding more to this...lol.

Maybe the character that first spoke to her will hang around, follow her, give her some advice or something?

Posted "Dirty Laundry - 2" as a draft. I know that weekends are slow here, but as I'll be flying Monday morning, I want to publish Sunday night (that's mid to late afternoon for most of you)..;o).
So, if there are any comments, and I hope there are...Here's the link:
http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/hogihewu/

Damn, you're efficient!! Sure makes it easy on us lazybone types...thanks!!

After the first round, how do we know which story to switch to? I could try to find the answer amongst all the comments, but with a high-powered, multi-orgas...er, organizational wizard like you, JD...sheesh, I'll just ask..lol

Yeah...my oldest son recently wrote about a couple of sites that advertise making money "examiner.com" and "suite101.com"...I told him that if he wanted to make money...none of these are worth the effort; but, if he wanted to practice writing, meet some great writer's, get excellent constructive criticism and have fun...this is the place! Maybe we'll see him on here one day, soon. My youngest is quite the poet and has posted several here.."writinghobo" or maybe it's "writerhobo"...lol.

Certainly, no offense intended TBH. I'm just old and feeble minded at times...;o).

Wow! How the heck did I miss this when you initially posted? Damn this is good, dkk, really good! Beautiful character build. No let up in the action. Enough descriptive for the reader to see the world, but not so much as to drag the story down. Awesome.

And I really, really liked Layla's realm switch to Austin, by Gawd, Texas!!! LMAO.

Ace, sorry for the late response to your worries (no excuse) but, glad to see you're holding up and back in the show...;o). Looking forward to your usual great writing!

Wierd? LOL...what's wierder than what you're about to do? No, not wierd, but definitely out of the box and something not many in this world are able to do or take advantage of. Fantastic! Have a great time and take enough risks to have fun but not get hurt...;o). We'll all be here when you get back!

Thanks, DJ. I've read and commented on your chapter - great writing! ;o)

Fantastic, DJ! Short, but sweet, you got everything that needed to be there...in there...and several more little gems.

I thought you did a really good job of enlarging both Jerry and Gel's characters; in particular Jerry with the little back story. Introducing the new sales clerk worked perfectly in giving Gel the time she needed to "educate" Jerry.

Donna's brief introduction and the circumstances of her appearance were genius and I agree with al, "thematically consistent and yet lots of room for creativity". Excellent writing, DJ!

Another one of those, "where in the heck was I when you first published this!". I'm really glad that JD decided to mash for the new project, otherwise I might never have found it.

A gem. Loved the dialogue, the interchanges between mom and dad and Trina's character. Vivid. I could see her, the neighbors standing in the street, the kids playing...all of it.

Not only was the twist at the end surprising, it opens the door to many different avenues...;o)

Attention Please: I made some adjustments and republished "Jerry's Adventure", the story start that Djinn was drafted to mash. The new link is here: http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/patutube/

Small changes that made a world of difference, al. Great job. For my stack of dead presidents - publish it...;o)

Alles klar, mein Freund. Man, I should have caught the OJ comment...lol. I'll withdraw my concern, but it's up to you about leaving it in..of course..;o)

I see, too, what you mean about the number of rounds and your plotting scheme. Two things:

Thanks for indulging my attempt at being a critic and thanks for not taking it personal...;o).

I still think you did an excellent job!

I think you've done a good job here, al; but, I'm glad you haven't published yet so that I can get my two cents in, in the event you will take my constructive criticism to heart...;o)

The writing is very well executed and paced but...

First, I think you could develop the story a little further. About three quarters of your chapter is really only a reiteration, in slightly different form, from Djinn's original chapter.

I'm not sure why the officer referred to the son as OJ. His name is Jaime, so unless that's his middle name or you can work in why he's called OJ...I was confused on first read. Maybe it's just me.

Good work about the cop noticing the shovel in the car. I'm curious about it, though. Assuming that the plot involves a scam that the whole family has been working for years until now, and the son decides he's having no more of it; the shovel indicates that the father is in some kind of death like trance or coma and the son digs him up and revives him at some point. My point is...if the father is still in the morgue, it'll be days before he's buried (autopsy completed, transferred to funeral home, viewing, funeral, etc)..so why is he carrying around the shovel and why would that, now, be a vital plot move?

Collecting the insurance is an even longer process, so Jaime won't be skipping town any time soon.

Maybe, could be, I'm way off base...if so, slap me and tell me to shut up...lol.

To paraphrase a famous SM author and friend, "I don't how I missed this when you first posted it!"

Wow. Back in the days when SM sponsored contests, as shadinah stated, this would surely have been among the selections.

Aside from your usual excellence in writing skills, this is a great story. I'm surprised no one mashed it way back...a year and a half ago? lol. I didn't see the lack of detail that some mentioned. I didn't miss anything at all!

Well, now it's going to get its rightful continuation because alharris chose it for his first mash in the new project. I think that's great!

Normal life with a twist...gotta love it! You did a fantastic job of building these characters in a relatively short piece. You were genius at building in Mark's langauge problems and associating them with the background scenes...;o)

PenPaperPassion - this is a repost of an earlier posting by shadinah. It was reposted as part of a new project that several of us have started here..see the Forum - Miscellaneous entry title, "Let's shake things up" for more info and you can also figure out how to follow the stories as they progress...;o)

New guy/gal on the block...excellent writer! PenPaperPassion. The story start chapter is here:

http://storymash.com/u/PenPaperPassion/padorumu/

and a second chapter is up, too!

You have totally captured my attention and praise for excellent writing...;o). I hope you're own the proverbial roll with this because I can't wait for the next chapter!

Welcome to SM! Wow, this is quite a start to your "future" here...;o). I'll echo JD's comments and add that I loved it. Looking forward to more!

Thanks, Shad! You were right...three chapters into one works great. Before I mash:

I love this story. Your characters are totally real as are the reactions of the parents, slowly plodding their way through possibilities until the final sentence...;o).

A couple of my favorite authors are adept at taking normal life, inserting a disconcerting event...not serious or dangerous, at first...but, then they take that event into a completely weird, scary or dangerous direction.

That's what you did here and I love it! ;o)

No change to my comment, but now that you've posted, I've voted - 5 stars...;o)

Before I forget...I'll be mashing shadinah's "Dirty Laundry" at:

http://storymash.com/u/shadinah/masurava/

Cool deal, shad..thanks! I'm on like stink on sh...lol.

Nash's famous dry wit was perfect for the first chapter, not for this one; so, the your lack of it was immaterial..;o).

I loved how you got in coach's head as he was driving - looking for the Volvo, ignoring his wife's calls and leaping to a variety of conclusions, in particular, the last thoughts about the serial killer.

I have one teensy nit. Would coach really stand still for the several seconds or minutes to listen to the gripes and complaints of the other parents? Sure, he was certainly in shock, but I think I would have been in the car and tearing up the pavement one milisecond after I saw which direction the Volvo had turned.

Regardless of that - a superb mash, Aggie!

Wow, nash! Reading this reminded of how damned good you are and how much I've missed reading your work here. This was so vivid, so well crafted that I'm speechless, can't find enough superlatives.

The introduction of Vic was exquisitely done and the response, or lack thereof, of Ace's main character went a long way in developing her personality. Fabulous!

Thanks, DJ! I know you'll kick ****...and do poor Jerry good...;o)

Oh, Cool! I can't wait to see what you do with that...;o)

I have a similar dilemma with shadinah...not personally and not under the definition of "a choice between equally undesirable alternatives" no, no...lol. Lots of great chapters but all but one are in context of a contest or project, or otherwise mashed by another writer.

I think that you need not start with the second or third chapter (by the same author), you can mash from the first chapter. My thoughts are that if, in shadinah's case, I started mashing at chapter 4...by the time nine more mashes were done, we'd have a novella - at least...lol.

Before I make that choice and for al's benefit, as well...what say ye fellow SMer's?

Thanks, DJ...;o). I'm really curious what you will pick!

Shadinah...could you please drop me an email? lexallen@yahoo.com.
Thanks.

I remember October Chill quite well...;o).

I think, if we keep alharris' point #2 in mind, (top of the page) we could substitute the impetus of contest money with potential sale of a short story anthology. I agree with Nash...a two week turn around and everyone try (really hard) to eliminate potential snags. If we "allow" more time to complete a chapter we risk the fate of most of the projects that we've tried.

Wow, JD...you took the words right out of mouth (can you hear Meatloaf?) lol !!

Seriously, great explanation and I really, truly couldn't have done better..;o). I'm sure HiddenCounter will follow your advice and I, too, am looking forward to watching the growth!

Yea, verily...dreams count, as do fertile imaginations, remembering grandpa's war stories, reading a war novel, fantasy novel or sci-fi novel, or interviewing a vet (not the necessarily the doctor kind)...;o).

ACE! Hitting for six! Great to see you back here and joining our new game, even if poor al still thinks you're a he...lol.

JD...when do we get the starting list and green flag? ;o)

JD, I'm almost speechless...but, only almost. This is doubtlessly among the very best I've ever read here on SM...or, anywhere else, now that I think about it.

Assuming that you have never actually lived through a battle, a war or even a particularly bloody bar fight; the accuracy of physical pain, the blood, the destruction resultant from an explosive were all so well done that I find it hard to credit the assumption.

Small details like the shard in Nikahs' (a fabulous name, by the way) side, the removal of which would cause her to bleed to death, the damage done to bodies and things and finally, your word-smithing that perfectly described the indomitable human spirit was awe inspiring!

I like the hat drawing idea. No, not particular about even numbers...;o).

Is it really you, Nash? Gosh...and I thought you'd gone off and become a legend, never more to be actually heard from...LOL.

Welcome back, my friend!!!! ;o)

I liked this one, HC. Still some missing words and some clunky sentences; but, not as many as the other story I read.

Watch out for tense changes...there are several, here. The suicide note threw me a little. The character in the story, his dialogue in particular, didn't seem (to me) to match the person that wrote the note...different style, different character.

Good job!

Welcome to SM!

I like the premise, I think. I'm not sure because I don't know exactly what the premise is. I don't harp on grammar unless it's so bad that I can't read the story and here, it wasn't that bad but there are a lot of missing words and many of the sentences are "clunky".

I spent some time reading your comments. I do that to get a kind of mental image of the writer. It would seem to me that you are a smart guy, but a bit serious. Lighten up. Don't use quite so many "hard", "unusual", "formal" words in your writing. Let it flow and have fun with it and you'll see a great improvement.

You have some very good ideas, I believe and I'd like to read them...;o)

Agreed. For this though, with shadinah, we have seven. I think we need an even number, so one more or three more. Personally, I'm getting antsy to start...;o). Waiting on JD to wave the green flag.

Way, Yay! LOL....Great to have you shad...;o)

Thanks, JD...;o)

We're six at the moment. Do we want to cap the number? I think more than 8 or 10 would become unwieldly. Perhaps an invite to some of the great writer's we haven't seen for awhile. Off the cuff - nash, honey, dogdeity11, Ace, crystalfoo and shadinah come to mind for me?

Hey, al...should we get anymore guys in here...I kinda like the preponderance of women-folk...LOL.

Sorry, one more question. Do we all work on one story at a time, or all simultaneously? Simultaneously would be great because we wouldn't have the long lag that often occurred in previous projects, but it could get a little confusing, too! lol

Oh..I think I had an epiphany in regard to rule #2. If I choose to mash a JD story, she can't turn around and choose one of mine? Right?

Can we only pick the un-mashed story start of someone participating in the project?

If ya'll have me...I'm in.

Reference al's initial post, item (2). I've long been thinking that collectively, we've been "wasting" a lot of salable talent here. I think Ethan's initial plan when building this site was to gleen a collection of colaboration stories that he would try to sell to publishers. I think. Whether or not that was actually the plan...it didn't work out and I've been trying (in my odd moments of having nothing else to do) to come up with a way for us...the writer's...to do just what al has suggested. Ah, wave lengths and vibes are truly amazing! LOL.

Reference JD's idea...fantastic, and combined with al's suggestion to publish...doubly so. I'm not sure I understand JD's rule #2. I need explanation, please.

I don't idolize anyone...lol...but, I greatly respect and admire the writing skills of each of you! ;o)

Thanks, al! I think you're right about that last line. If I could, I'd go back and take it out.

No, ma'am, it wouldn't.;o)

LMAO....it's a she and yep, she's makin' a killin'...by now I've got her seeing a therapist..;o)

Hey, dkk...missed ya around here and not just your compliments....lol. Thanks!

Fantastic! The details, the mix of show and tell, the build up to the conclusion of the chapter were excellently written. I think you gave away the conclusion a little too early. It was obvious to me, when you introduced the bookie, that our hero was going to take a fall. You saved it, though, by presenting a very interesting twist with the death threats...beautiful! ;o)

Great continuation! Although this story, thus far, has been all tell and no show; you've kept me interested and intrigued...;o).

One tip..you used "went" several times when it should have been "gone".

Excellent descriptive narrative and the lead up to the closing paragraph was sublime...;o)

Very glad you like it, CS. You gonna come back with an addition? Please? ;o)

LOL...thanks, theSleepingTeabag and welcome to SM. I look forward to reading your work here.

Thanks, DJ...very much..;o)

Thanks, Justhoff! ;o)

Welcome to SM...;o)

Although I agree with TBH. "I feel as if you have a vast imagination..." and JD, "excellently written"; I didn't get enough to be completely pulled into the story.

Your technical writing skills and descriptive word-smithing are awesome but, I needed a bit more to be completely drawn in to the story.

BTW - I've posted chapter six to your Once Bitten, Must Die story...hope you like and really hope you get back in to the mash!

LOL..thanks, CS. Good possibility that the baby could grow up and seek revenge, but that would be for someone else to do...I'm done with this one..;o)

Thanks, JD..;o). I thought I'd killed off all those pesky little passive sentences...lol.

Neat little story, MNS...;o)

You're very good at descriptive detail and running the plot from point A to B. Although not particular "exciting" you still held my interest. I was expecting something unexpected, but that didn't happen...maybe in a subsequent chapter?

A couple of nits. Your sentence structure often seems a little clunky...meaning they didn't flow well, not for lack of description or anything, but the "wordsmithing" could use a little fine tuning. And, it's always a good idea to separate quotes throughout the story, into paragraphs. It's hard to follow when two people converse in the same paragraph.

All in all...good job! ;o)

Just published chapter 2 of my own, After Murder and chapter 6 to creativesoul's Once Bitten, Must Die. I'm having a ball...lol.

Welcome to SM, Karonher and to the vampire mash...;o).

I thought you did a pretty good job of keeping the character's...in character and I liked how you moved the story forward.

I think you could have provided a little more detail into each of the scenes, though. It reads a little too quickly without foundation, leaping forward with not enough support. Does that even make sense? LOL...hope so.

Anyway...you left it well for the next mash...which I'm on...now...lol

Apologies for the long delay in voting and commenting; and, thanks for commenting on my latest which jarred my old brain into looking back to see if you had anything new...;o).

You are really shining with this story, CS. The dialogue and the continual character build of Michael and Jerry is phenomenal - totally on track and believable.

I really, really like the introduction of the head honcho vampire. New fodder for continuing this storyline....;o)

Thanks, CS...;o). I hope you'll read the second chapter and let me know what you think.

Talk about hitting the SM trail with a wham, bam, thankyou, Ma'am...LOL. This was fantastic, JD! I'm glad I decided to "waste some time" reading the first stories of my favorites writer's here...;o). Turns out not to have been a waste of time, at all!

Loved the characters, loved the scenes and the way you described the world without long descriptive paragraphs. Exceptional!!

:o)...make that a BIG SMILE. Thanks, al!

LOL...you are definitely an "outside of the box" kind of thinker, DLM...;o)

Again....loved this...hope to see more soon! ;o)

Great how you've broken this draft, super long chapter into easy to absorb pieces. I've already made comments on the draft...but, now I can go through and vote on 'em....;o)

Welcome to SM!

Agreeing with al...this is rather long. It is also highly entertaining! I read your forum post about plot and...you're certainly following your position with this piece...lol.

I stumbled more than a couple of times with "lost" words, missing a "he" here, a "the" there, etc. I'm familiar with that. The writing is going very fast and the fingers aren't always keeping up.

I like the jumpy style. I didn't care much for your overly narcistic character, until towards the end when it appeared that he's delusional. That made him much more likeable to me...lol.

I'm looking (very much) forward to more of your work...;o)

Welcome to SM, MNS! ;o)

I like the premise of this story. What little I know of the main character is interesting and leads to me wanting to know more about him and his venture.

However, there is way too much tell and not enough show. Your readers will quickly lose interest if that aspect of your writing doesn't change. I'm off to read chapter two...;o)

LOL...thanks, DJ...;o)

Thanks, MNS! Seems I've been remiss in reading your posts and welcoming you to SM. I'll do so...soon! ;o)

LOL...thanks, Hadley! Yup, criminal, perverted and I'm thinking there's more to come...;o)

Oh, no!! LOL....so, sorry, Lady...*blush*

Didja hear my Yeehaw? LOL

I wasn't niggling about whether it was true or not; it doesn't matter...it's a great story. I was merely curious...;o)

I'm assuming the part about the evacuation and leaving certain personnel behind is true. I don't know. MacArthur was not among those generals that I wanted to learn much about. If true...what a sad story. Admittedly, I find it hard to believe, but...can't say.

The writing I can definitely attest to: Excellent! ;o)

I was so excited to be reading your entry that I also became majorly pissed when, after the first paragraph, I had to go and find my reading glasses and THEN, had to find a magnifying glass....lol!!!
Ok..funnin' wid ya'...I hate it when I can't get the font right, too!

To the chase:

You did a great job covering everyone. I'd really like to have seen more action in Spain, versus the several paragraphs about leaving Iraq. Not that that didn't work...just my personal preference.

While I liked the appearance of Mutt as the taxi driver, I think Tom would have been the better choice. He is, after all the computer hacker and in a previous chapter the only one who (to this point) could have identified Mons-Tabor. He/she was the unknown killer and Tom had gone looking for him/her two chapters ago (I think). So, not only did Mutt figure out who he/she was....

I keep saying he/she because I laid some very heavy hints about his/her disguise in Egypt....

anyway...so, not only did Mutt figure it out he killed the killer! LOL. Whew! Trickier and trickier.

All said and done...very good job, dkk...;o) Now, maybe you'll get back to the Shifter series, huh? Please?

Fabulous, al...don't change a thing and get to work on Richmond! ;o)

Reminiscent of your "Photographs, Pals and Potatoes" and "Cleaning Up After the Dog" which I dearly loved, this is fabulous writing, al.

I don't know how much of this (and the others) story are personal remembrances, but the way you write make it seem to be 100%. You capture your audience completely and wanting more and there's nothing more a writer, or reader for that matter, could ask for.

I hope you'll continue this series. I'm thinking (hoping) that they are part of a bigger project? ;o)

Thanks, DJ...;o)

I've missed you lately...let me run over and see if you've posted a new piece!

Muchas gracias, al. I hope to see some of your mashing. Lately, you've been in the poetry groove...;o)

Thanks, for the heads up, dkk. I read the mash Amythest-Eyes did and it's GREAT! ;o).

I've never been mashed in the real world...am I missing something? lol

Hey A-E...WWB most definitely approves....LOL. I was beginning to think you'd taken another leave of absence. Very happy to see that's not the case..;o)

I really liked how switched the POV to Lil **** and damn, you did a good job keeping him in character...no, make that improving his character!!

For me...the story was a done deal, but I'm happy to see you keep it alive and that you've added an ending that can't end - quite yet! Loved it!

Thanks, dkk...;o)....nope, doesn't bother me at all that everyone shortens my name...nary a bit...lol

Hey, CS...great chapter! The arrival of the sheriff, the post delivery, the slamming around in the house...all, very well done...;o).

I do have a bit of a verisimilitude problem. Although the premise of the story is exciting in it's unique aspects, I have a hard time believing that the vampires live in this town, protected by the law. But, it's a done deal, now..so, I'll get used to it...lol.

One SM peculiar comment. When posting a mash chapter, you should always post it to the previous chapter. In this case you posted to the original rather than my chapter two which breaks the chain and makes it harder for readers to follow. Check out the story "tree" at the bottom of each chapter and you'll see what I mean...;o).

I see you were very busy and I'm off to read chapter four! ;o)

Go to google.com and if you don't already have a google log-in, get one. When you sign in to google you'll be able to see options. One of these is - "more" with a down arrow. Click that and you'll see a list of links. Click on documents and there you are. It works very similarly to Word. Another advantage is that you can write anywhere you can connect to the internet. I write a lot, in a lot of different places and I can always save a story and when away from my home computer, log on elsewhere (like my office or laptop) and continue writing the story without transferring word documents around. It was a life saver for me while writing my novel...;o)

Thanks, CS! Hope you don't mind the shortened name, feel free to call me WWB - most everyone else does...;o).

"May have to start thinking about Chapter 3"...man, you can't leave me hanging now...lol.

I agree....Buffy is old hat...lol

I liked your story start so much...I mashed it...;o). Hope you like!

Posted Chapter 2 to creativesoul's "Once Bitten, Must Die"...;o)

I'm sorry it's taking so long, too, dkk...really, really sorry!! LOL...just funnin' wid ya! But hurry the heck up, would ya?

I gotta tell you, creative...this was CREATIVE! This is one of the best, most unique vampire stories I've ever read! ;o).

It's extremely well written. Only one sentence seemed clunky/out of place and this is it: (The last thing I saw, was her golden eyes turn stone grey, before her body became lifeless, unmoving, rigid.) It reads as if the narrator is dying rather than the vampire.

Otherwise, this story chapter flowed beautifully. Character build, dialogue, plot setting...all very well done! Bravo!!

HEY! The story is visible and no gooble-d-gook! Hope you haven't written to Katrina, yet...;o) I'm off to read it.

Not to worry. It happens. I assume you write in Word and then copy/paste? I used to do that, but had trouble with formatting on occasion and always had difficulty with character count.

I switched to writing in Google Docs and then copy/pasting. Works every time and the character count is different so you can put lots more words into the SM story box....;o).

BTW...did you see my comment on your first chapter? ;o)

I like this, CJ...a hero gone bad...yes! Your admitted "rust" was showing a bit in the first couple of paragraphs and then...it took off quick and intense.

I liked how you built the Wrath character. It was fast but no lack of definition. You succinctly defined the plot, identified the problem and set the stage for the next chapter. Well done!

I do one little nit...use of the word thug or thugs. I didn't count but there must have been like a gazillion of 'em...lol.

LOL...here's one I could understand! Good job, al!

Write to Katrina@storymash.com...she can have the administrators delete it...;o)

I can't see anything but a bunch of goble-d-gook....;o(. Could be a formatting error or the old Internet Explorer issue. Some stories here, for whatever reason won't display with IE. Here, I see something, but it's unreadable, so probably not the IE thing.

Welcome to SM, creativesoul!

I liked the story, especially that your main character is a tiger and the story is told through his/her eyes. I thought you did an excellent job...as dkk and cj noted...of showing us familiar things in the alien view of the tiger.

Like dkk, I don't worry wart over grammar unless it's so bad that it throws me out of a story, however, there are a couple of things I would caution you about:

Use of adverbs. You use a lot of these and they tend to drag down the sentences they are used in. In Stephen King's "About Writing", he lists the use of adverbs as a cardinal sin...lol. To each his own, I say...but, I eliminate every adverb I can...;o)

Use of the word slowly and very. You use these words frequently..too much, I think. I can see that you are writing to create a specific and detailed picture, but these two words sometimes have the opposite effect and redundancy of word use is something to avoid, whenever possible...;o)

All in all a good piece and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work!

Thanks, dkk..;o)

I wish I'd have left out the shifting that indicated a sci-fi theme. But, the fact that it's in doesn't really mean much. It was just conjecturing - it doesn't have to go in any of those directions.

I've always thought that dialogue was "show" rather than tell, but it's really the reader that decides that, I guess...;o)

Yessum, that cowboy was especially for all the Texas folks around here...lol. Hmmm, truthfully, I had a picture of an evil "Roland" from Stephen King's Dark Tower series in my mind...lol.

Thanks, creativesoul and welcome to SM...;o). I skimmed over your intro story yesterday, but didn't have time to comment. I'll do so soon!

Thankee Sai, JD!! ;o)

Posted chapter 4 to 'Notes from a Shifter'. I sure hope dkk and cj will be proud of it...;o)

This is really taking off, cdn. I agree wholeheartedly with JD. One phrase caught me, though, "blind faith". I don't think the religious would refer to faith that way. In fact, the non-religious would use that term in a demeaning manner...blind being a derogatory adjective to faith.

But....I love where you are (were) going with this and wish you get back to it...;o)

Well...9 months after the fact...still, I got here...;o). Your recent return to SM brought me looking.

This was very well done. An old soldier, myself, I'm greatly looking forward to you continuing this..

Hey, CJ...mashing is what this site is all about. I've visited, but never joined, a number of writing sites for various reason's; but, primarily, because none of them offered the challenge that SM does. Mashing is, for me, the very best writing exercise tool one could ask for...:o). On my page you can see that I've posted over 140 chapters...the large majority of those are mashes.

I can see in your first mash, that you're going to be very good at it and I think you'll be amazed at how much you learn about writing and, more importantly, yourself...as you continue to contribute...;o). Sorry, about the long-**** soapbox...lol

Great job, CJ!! Really glad that you joined this mash...;o).

You certainly did not "butcher" the story...au contraire. Your added detail and introduced Aaliyah, beautifully. I have to say that, though the first half of the story was almost entirely show, it was necessary to establish a foundation for Aaliyah's presence. I don't know how you could have done that with less show and more tell...so, well done.

The second half picked up pace and "tell" nicely and you've added an interesting plot twist...;o).

Really great job, CJ!!

WWB is a happy puppy....;o)

Clever that little "rusty" bit, but that dog won't hunt around here, CJ...lol.

Hell yes, we'd love for you to mash this (I've already seen dkk's assent) can't wait!!!

Wow! Thanks, CJ!

Looks like I succeeded in presenting the unexpected...;o). I really intended this to be the final chapter. On second look, there could easily be another but, not from me. I'd welcome your mash...;o)

That'll work just fine, Lady...just fine...;o) Thank you!

Thanks, CJ..;o). I always try to put the unexpected in my stories / chapters. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes not; but, it's always my primary goal.

I haven't a clue for a third chapter, perhaps you do? That'd be great!

Well, HEY! Look who's back....;o). Thanks, Cdn, where you been?

Thanks, dkk. Awww hell, I thought that left out word would sneak through without detection! lol.

Truth is, I thought you might be thinking about a second chapter and....well, I figured if I got one in quickly, you would go back to working on the Around the World project....:o)!!

LOL..thanks, al! "Law & Orderesque"? Cool.

Observation of an event, changes the sequence and therefore, the outcome. I think that's what happened to the paragraph breaks. I know, it hurts my eyes, too...;o).

After writing "putty in her hands" I thought, oh, crap what a lousy cliché. Then, I left it in, posted, re-read and thought, "Ah, shucks, I left that lousy cliché in there!" lol