All Comments by writerwannabe

Way to go, nash!!!

You're welcome! Listen, while we are on that subject and I didn't want to say anything on the contest page. It irks me to no end to read some of these comments being made by the judges, especially those that talk about the POV change being a distraction (oh, my!) or I'd have given you a higher vote if it weren't for a couple of comma's being in the wrong place and...well, you know what I'm talking about...lol.
By the way...nash writes a comment "It's that easy." and you followed with "Yep, it's that easy". I give. I'm dense. What were you guys implying? Obviously, what I wanted to write in my comment block to the judges was nowhere what I actually wrote...lol. Was that your implication?
Thanks for letting me rage a little....;o)

Nash - comment to come. I'm using your most recent post to send you a message.
I recently lost my 15 year old Yahoo email account. Long story. Bottom line, along with that I lost all of my contact addresses. Please shoot me an email so I can rebuild. lex.allen@ymail.com Thanks!

I did have a comment. Just me, but I would leave out the chapter designation following the italics intro and go straight into the story. The chapter number is in the title, after all..;o).

Still loving this. Glad it's still a draft as I definitely want more in this chapter....lol.
PS: I recently lost my 15 year old Yahoo email account. Long story. Bottom line, along with that I lost all of my contact addresses. Please shoot me an email so I can rebuild. lex.allen@ymail.com Thanks!

So, I'm way late in reading this story. Damn. For what it still may be worth, I had zero problem following the storyline from one to two. I'll likely have no problem with three (up for reading next). This is beautifully written, wolf. I applaud you for writing like this. By "this" I mean moving POVs, jumping from past to present, introducing new characters without apparent attachment to previous chapter, etc. "Applaud" because most everyone that has attempted (even in small portion) this style gets dinged in the comments blocks. "I don't understand the connection", "this piece doesn't seem to fit", etc. Longer stories, written in novel style are especially read worthy, in my humble opinion. This is far beyond "read worthy".

All judges - Thanks for the very detailed and instructive comments. Someday soon, I'll get a handle on those danged semi-colons. LOL. Seriously, all of your comments were well thought out and I appreciate your time and effort .

Welcome to SM!! Minor grammatical errors take nothing away from this excellently written and plotted piece. You hooked me from the beginning and kept the suspense tight all the way through. Your descriptive narratives were very well done and the dialogue was real. You'll be a most welcome addition to this site, joyride! 4.5 Stars.

Wolfram - Thanks for the comments and the great vote! I'm not sure I understand your remarks about, Pete. He knew her name because Wilkes told him. Wilkes also told Lockley. Wilkes is not a good guy. Ms B was suspicious of Pete because of that, but he proved his innocence and besides, she has no one else she can trust. She doesn't really know Jessie, but as far as she does know, she's Pete's wife and she's been kidnapped. She kicked the **** out of Lockley and then, he cold cocked her..why would not trusting him be an issue? I guess "old school villains" aren't "in" anymore...lol. Thanks, again, although I don't necessarily agree with your comments, I appreciate you taking the time to give them and I you did provide me with a different perspective!

Good entry, Cheese. While I liked the turn in the plot, I don't think it fits well with the rest of the story. Writing wise, of course, very well done. I liked the bus driver character and especially the blind guy! I don't think you moved the story along very far and you left out your usual suspense and tempo driven narratives; at least to a degree heretofore not seen in your writing. So, a good chapter, but not a really, really good chapter. 3.5 stars.

This, no longer a draft, is fantastic. Not sure how much your "mysterious" editor contributed but I'm sure he didn't write this. You did and it is by far, in my humble opinion, the best chapter in this round. From beginning to end, a roller coaster ride that allowed me to feel the wind in my face, the bumps of the rails and the sound of the passenger's screams. You covered every detail from the previous chapters, threw in several fabulous minor twists and a great major turn in the plot; and included enough details to make the whole thing completely visual. The introduction of new characters was seamless and perfectly done. Absolutely magnificent writin!!! 5 stars. Now after all that gushing, I need to go change shirts....lol.

You dirty dog...you, you...genius...lol. Damn, eleven, here I'm thinking I have a really good chance of winning a round. Nash has a lead on me, but it's slight and well the judges haven't been nice to nash lately, or me, for that matter; regardless I figured I had a good chance and then...you couldn't stay "retired" for a little while longer? I breathed a sigh of relief at your first post. I thought, "Excellent writing but a little off the storyline"..no worries. And now, this -- this masterpiece. Oh, I had pushed away the fact that three top writer's still haven't submitted and they have a couple of days still (Wandering-Rian, Wolfram and Crystalfoo). I had convinced myself that the fates would smile on me until this -- work of horror fiction art. Damn you, dog....4.5 stars only because I wanted this so very badly NOT to be horror or supernatural...LMAO.

Holy Moly...what a dolt I am to even remotely infer that you might be a "newbie" writer (reference my comment to your contest entry). This was professional and very well done! Like dogdeity, I'm not much for fairytale stuff, but remembering that you'd written your contest entry while at work; I wanted to see what you did away from there. Wow! Creative, great character development, wonderful plotting... especially the end of this chaper. Loved it!

Two things attracted me to the chapter, the title and your moniker...lol. I'm glad they did. I liked the underlying and overlaying humour. I like the tone of the narrator's voice and, though, as HG commented "it's been done so many times", I found some uniqueness in your piece that will entice me to read more!

Weeelllll, you asked...lol. It was short and relatively "cliché". OK...15 minute exercise. I didn't get any real emotional effect. He knelt beside her "face"...hmmm..she's sitting, he kneels; wouldn't he be beside her knees? I normally don't mention typos because everyone makes them, especially in a quick exercise but the word "empitimy" grabbed me. I like it!!! LOL. I sometimes do an exercise in which I invent words...I'll add this to my "off sides" dictionary. Overall, nothing that would cause me to read more...sorry. I should add that I'm not much for romance stories. Oh, I did like the line about waiting by the phone after a fight because he "...wasn't man enough to apologize." That certainly rings true!!

LOL...Since your writing about it, we can assume that you are unharmed? Neat way to relate the experience!

I really liked this chapter, Eternal_Flame. While the suspense was low key, it was evident and Ms B's thought processes and actions were very well done. On the one hand, I would have liked to see more of Pete; on the other, he's still in the game and you left him in a position to play a major role in subsequent chapters. I couldn't completely believe the "interrogation" scene. Thirty-five people waiting for Ms B, I doubt they would put her away that easily or quickly although it seems only minutes passed before someone came to get her out of the room Lockley had put her in. I like how you protrayed Lockley, by the way. While I've tried to move the story away from the supernatural, you kept it and did it well. 4 stars.

Good suspense and, overall a very good effort. I do have some "nits" to pass along...just my own opinion, of course.
It's cold, Ms B is wearing a coat - how did Lockley get to her bare arm?
The Mrs. B vs Ms B - I got dinged on that last round...lol.
I agree with the others - hanging up on Wilkes kind of let the air out of the tires...you might have kept the cliffhanger ending more suspenseful had Ms B laid the phone on the seat and Wilkes overheard what transpired...maybe (shrug). I really like the appearance of Irene.
You're not European are you? I ask because they always use the word "floor" even when they mean "ground"...lol. Again, overall good effort, suspenseful and a bomb ending...3.5 stars.

Thanks, politeditor! Not to brag on my production, but I would have a third entry except that I got the idea for it from crystalfoo and I didn't want to steal it...lol. On the hand, she hasn't used it...hmmmmm!

Politeditor - Thanks for the comments and vote. Nash is the guy to worry about...I've never won one of these contest and I've been here awhile..lol. Oh, and since you're relatively new, you probably missed dogdeity's work (he's been taking a vacation or something the past several weeks) but, now that he's back...watch out!! LOL. By the way, I read your submission, just haven't commented, yet; but, I will today!

Greetings, thamagnopen. Wow doesn't suffice in response to your musical accomplishments. I, too, am a songwriter, musician, vocalist. I've not had nearly the success you've had and what success I've had has all been in Europe. Hey, want to produce some of my stuff? LOL...just kidding....mostly....;o).

Greetings! I read your latest chapter and liked it a lot. I also commented. It's good to see you back after such a long hiatus...;o)

Awww, man! I was hopin' you'd stay out of this round...lol. Not really. I love competition and the stiffer it is, the sweeter will be my victory!!! LOL. Yeah, I know, but don't tell anyone else, okay? Thanks! 4.5, dang it.

Hoooo....loved this! Where the heck you been lately? This is great...the characters, especially your lead. The dialogue, especially with himself and the narrative, especially in the style you've used here. Really good. I hope to see the continuances...4 stars!

I loved this and reading it made me realize how much I liked your stuff and missed reading new work these past couple months! Damn, it's good to have you back and I echo nash's comments.... hope this isn't just a cameo. Love your style, but this one is in a world of it's own and it would be very hard to work into the middle of this particular storyline...regardless of POV..LOL. My vote: 4.0

LOL...so, now we know the 'rest of the story'!! Tsk, tsk...writing at work....I'll bet none of the rest of us ever do that!!
Truthfully, yep..and I can personally testify to the difficulty in producing quality work under those conditions...;o)

In case you missed the "preview" block, please don't stop reading. While some of the beginning paragraphs are identical to my earlier contest submission, "Agents United"; this is an entirely new chapter with respect to storyline. Your comments and votes are always appreciated...:o)

Welcome to SM, xmochax!!
I wish that I could give you a better comment. I used to simply not comment unless I could say a lot of good things about a story, but what good does that do anyone. Truly, the goal of a writer here is to write and learn to write better...ALL of the writer's here. So, I read your chapter four times. I think you should be careful about using unnecessary or additional adverbs and adjectives, when one suffice. They really don't add any extra emphasis; rather, they distract the reader from your story. Through the first 3/4 of your story you lacked narrative details that would have kept the reader involved and knowledgeable as to what was going on. In the last 1/4 of the story...well, you lost me completely. Please remember that everything I've written here are simply my own opinions and not personal. When looking past the written words and trying to see what you were mentally projecting, I could see a fine story line. A little more effort and practice and all of your readers will be able to read that fine story line!!

Welcome to SM. You have some good ideas. I assume that you're relatively new at writing? I don't intend that to be a slight in any way, it's simply that your writing lacks polish and there are several "newbie" mistakes that distract the reader from your story. Some of these mistakes could be fixed with in-depth proofreading; but many are basic word usage and sentence structure errors. I think you've made an excellent start and with practice and better comments / critique than I can offer, you'll develop into a fine writer. For effort and good ideas - 3 stars.

Not a bad draft, wolfram. I like where you're going with this...bringing Ms B's past back with a bang!!
I've "dinged" a couple of 3d chapters so far for their weak Lockley's. I just can't see him that way..but, of course, always and only my own personal opinion.

Your usual excellent writing chloe...;o). I have to disagree with Eternal_Flame, though, "the best job so far at continuing all elements of the story..,". Several things distracted me from the story.
Ms B, not Mrs. B (I got dinged on that last round...lol)
Ms B left her house with one suitcase. She was walking half a mile. Toting (bags) and a briefcase seems unlikely, especially as she was in a hurry and literally running for her life.
In Agg's chapter the children had vanished by the time Mayor Lockley appeared.
Sorry, but the pretense of keeping her in town because of a food drive that she hadn't signed up for is well...pretty lame.
Mayor Lockley came out of Agg's chapter as fairly menacing, not the stuttering, weak character you have.
I did like the Phoenixville / Phillipsville piece and the agents that came to the rescue. Ever transparent in voting: 3 stars.

Great work, WBS, especially from Part two to finish. The first part, waiting for and riding the bus dragged a little and I thought Lockley a little meek considering the conclusion of Agg's chapter. Of course, that was before I read the rest of the story...lol.
From the arrest on you had me totally captivated. Great plot twist, I would never have thought to take Ms B out of town. The fact that she's not an FBI agent but a sub-contractor type was good, too. In particular and for obvious reasons, I especially liked the "child porn" connection and the aliases...lol. Overall, very well done. 4 stars.

Welcome to SM, Atrus. Your first post here is very well written. I like how you've built suspense and begun to develop your characters. You have an interesting writing style...reminds me of some of the classics in literature, a little bit. I look forward to reading more from you.

Way cool...you really did go back and find this chapter! Thanks for that and thanks for the comments. Rachel is Trashman's woman...is there someplace where I confused you?

Sword - Thanks for the comments. First, though, my negligence in previous comment: Welcome to StoryMash!!
In the previous round, I think that there were 5 or 6 of us that brought Jake's dad into the story. Mostly as a villain, but a couple had him as a protagonist. Sorta-kinda like ideas happens fairly often. Geesh, I hope that made sense..lol.
1. Yeah. I fight the format bug all the time with SM. I've discovered that the short paragraphs go into the puzzle easier.
2. Guardian angels at work, eh? Why not? lol
3. Were I to write the next chapter...I would have the reported blizzard be misdirection from Wilkes. He stopped the bus, has no intention of sending the cavalry. A bad guy in other words.
Skewing the facts certainly hurts your case in competition, but doesn't automatically disqualify and no, it doesn't get "fixed" by SM. I've seen winning entries that have skewed facts in the past. Thanks for the comments!

I am a big fan of Koontz and King. I don't think they've published anything that I haven't read and some of it more than once. My favorite genre is obvious..horror, thriller, suspense. I've also read a lot of Forsythe and Ludlow (guess I'm aging myself...lol) as well as Michael Crichton, Dan Brown and Anne Rice. Add JK Rowling..I LOVE Harry Potter...;o) Mark Twain, Tolkien and Thoreau. There are others, but I can't remember their names at the moment. Guess you could say that I read a lot...lol

Thanks for your comments on mine, Savarager and I forgot to mention earlier...Welcome to SM...;o)

LOL....hmmm, isn't this a contest entry? Have I "misposted?"...Anyway, I was just funnin' wid ya!...;o)

Cross my heart, I NEVER read anyone's story until after I've posted my own. Having said that, it amazes me that writers can come up with similar plots/sub-plots. In our united case, we both put Pete into the game as an agent and whereby you indicated Wilkes was "rogue", I only hinted at it...lol. Oh well, there are still plenty of differences on our individual takes.
So..I liked how well you moved the story. Several pieces were quite "slick" and most of the dialogue was very good. Two things hit me, though, that distracted me. One - In the previous chapter, Ms B walked and the distance was "only half a mile". Two - there was no chance she would get Wilkes on the phone. She "dialed from memory" and got her contact Chomsky, who transfered her to Wilkes. So, if she hit re-dial, she would get Chomsky again.
Overall, I liked your chapter and voted it a 3.5

I liked it, especially the dialogue and Ms B's thought processes in the car. I just wish it had been a little longer and taken the story a teensy bit further. There are, after all, only two chapters after this one. But, I liked it...3.5

Katrina - In case you read this and comment...please, please, please do not write "proofread, proofread, proofread"...lol. I did, several times, and I know that I missed a couple of things. Most notably the extra "my" in the first paragraph. But, hey, I'm really getting better at finding those things....;o)

Dang, and I thought I'd learned a new trick with semi colons...well, half a trick, it seems....LOL.
Kidding.
Thanks for the comments HG. Folks like yourself are always helping to get my great ideas into readable formats...I appreciate it!!

Neat story! I like your Jeremiah character and the Cat...lol. Your building an interesting plot but it's hampered by some distracting mechanical skill errors. I'd suggest you proofread more closely. I realize that you don't want to tip too much, but a little more background into the who, where and why of Jeremiah would be very beneficial, I think. Overall a great start. I voted you a 3.5!

LOL...thanks, tomcat. Yep, this is my hundredth attempt. No, but I have tried to write it a few times with varied success. We'll see about this time...;o) Thanks for the comment and encouragement.

I knew this was the winner when I first read it. Excellent job, well deserved. Congratulations!

Another beauty, makoallen. I have one complaint...lol....too danged short! I read a comment recently where you stated that you write primarily the "flash" type of complete story. You are surely a master at it, but...damn, just when's it's getting good (read hot) it's over. Hmmm, cyber sadism...is that possible? LOL.

I particularly like D/s relationship stories, books and movies and this is spot on. Excellent writing; descriptive, narrative and dialogue that speaks completely to the life-style.

Excellent! Too bad Bill wasn't able to see your tribute. We did. Through your writing (as with most writers) people learn about you. I think that's a good thing. This adds to that process. Kudo's.

Welcome to StoryMash! Your first submission is quite good...;o). Your narratives are, perhaps, a little "dry", but your dialogue and descriptives make up for it. I was a little confused in a couple of places (reading from the diary, jumping from future to past and back) but a quick re-read clarified things. What I really like is the premise, the storyline and the mystery you've woven. Very good job!! 3.5 stars

I like this, TBH. It's been a long time since I've read anything of yours...;o(. I did notice that you were commenting but not writing... shame, shame....lol. This is a really good start. I like the tension, the dream, the interaction with Karen. With dkk4510, though, I thought you started to rush a little. I do that, too, so I recognize it pretty easily... lol. I'd like to mash this but don't think I'll find the time soon. I'll be looking for a continuation, though...;o)

Hindsight....I could have dragged out John's epiphany; maybe in an ensuing conversation with Mrs. B it occurs to them both. Well...
I went the child porn direction because I wanted to stay away from supernatural (we've had too many of those, I think) and because of Amy's situation. She and her Mom have some serious problems and Amy's induction into a child porn ring lends itself well. The Feds do go after child porn but only after someone brings it to their attention, same with the other "illegal" websites. The ring masters have a great deal invested in these ventures and would not be above murder and terrorizing the entire town to keep it going. There would be little need to go into details of the ring...no scenes, if you will... and still keep the premise up front.
Thanks for the comments, HG....;o)

Welcome to SM! This is a very well written first entry. I agree with everyone else's comments that your chapter didn't move the story forward very much and I, too, liked the cat at the end. Overall a very good first effort. My vote: 3

LOL...great minds think alike! Or, occasionally lesser gets lucky..;o). I also don't read anyone's entries until I've posted my own and I was surprised to see that several brought Jake's dad into the story. I think I was the only one who used him as a potential protagonist, though. I think Aggeloi's "Shadow" entry is the odds on favorite here although yours and a couple of others are very strong contenders. Well, there's always the next round....:o). Thanks for your comment and the great vote!!

Fantastic chapter, wolfram. I really, really liked the back story with Ted and the bar scene. I'm also a new fan of the whole town being in danger. The downside is the scene with Jake. Mrs. B's dialogue was spot on but, Jake? I'm sorry but I agree with Wandering-Rian...it didn't sound right. Jake's voice was much too mature, much to detailed to be that of a what....eight or nine year old? That scene took about half the chapter...so 5 stars minus half the chapter at 2.5 leaves ya a 2.5! Nawwwww....the total chapter is worth far more....4 stars!

Welcome to SM, Rebecca. This was a very good first entry. I loved the tension that you continued to build throughout. Without actually describing your characters, I got a very good visual. Your dialogue comes across real and timely. You DO need to work on the format as that diminishes reader attention and enjoyment. I'd suggest you type on Word. Use Arial or Times New Roman, 12 pt. and paste into the SM story box. Separate your paragraphs, especially dialogue. In this piece, I had to read twice on a few occasions to make sure I knew which character was talking. Very good overall effort. 3.5 stars.

I'm disappointed, hebe. I saw your entry and thought, "this'll be a good one," based upon all that I've previously read from you. This was too short and didn't move the plot forward. Nothing new, none of your usual twists and turns. Sigh....3.0

Welcome to SM!! You've done a nice job, here. Unfortunately, it is woefully short and did not meet the criteria for a solid contest mash. There are several things the judges look for: A link to the previous chapter - you did this fine. A continuation of the storyline, move the story forward - this you didn't do very well. We're still at the point of Mrs B at a loss of what action to take (if any) based upon Jake's announcement of her death. And, you leave your chapter in place whereby the next chapter can link - this you didn't do very well, either because your chapter ended in essentially the same place as the previous chapter.
You write well and your mechanics are okay, for the most part. A little investigation into the works of SM, contest rules and judging criteria would have enabled you to submit a competitive chapter, I'm sure. My vote 2.5

I liked it, but not as much as the original chapter. My opinion - you went too far, too fast omitting a lot of explanation. While I, too, am of the mind that readers know more (and can create their own links) than most writer's give them credit for; and, you are an excellent practicioner of this -- I think the "jumps" this time were a little far. Don't get me wrong, I love your style, your ability to link dialogue and narrative creating very real characters and your imagination. Had this been votable, mine would have been 3.5.

Very much improved over the first half of the chapter. Your format, while still needing work, is much easier to read and therefore, the story itself comes out better. The manager, Mr. Dubrovnik is a character hard to believe; on the other hand...lol. By the way, people who can't control their drinking, drink vodka during work. Why? Because it has no smell...;o).
I really your character's girlfriend being a prostitute. That opens all kinds of doors for a mash. Overall, very good job.

I know what you mean about the voting scales...lol. Writing your style, your way is by far the best way, I reckon. You'd be old and gray by the time you figured out to please all of the people, all of the time...lol.

Good response to maoripete, Firebird...lol, alas you are simply playing into his hands, I think.
Anyway, to your story: I liked it, a lot. I think it could use some work, i.e., perhaps you could add a paragraph or so of backstory when you mention a particular event that happened. Maybe you could build your main character a bit more; show us who he is, age, location, etc. Obviously, he is immune or hasn't been infected, yet; so a bit about how he feels about that would be good. I like the premise. Most of these kinds of stories involve everyone dying from the virus. I like how you twisted that around...;o). I'm certainly no expert (or published) writer (excluding song lyrics) and not a particularly good critic, but that's how I see it. I gave you a 3 vote.

Fantastic chapter, Aggeloi. Damn, I guess it's back to the drawing board for the rest of us! LOL. Cutting my own throat, talent such as yours cannot be denied. 5 stars!

Hooboy. This character is one disgruntled and angry young man. You have a good premise, a good idea and the beginning of a very good storyline, BUT....the most disconcerting thing, here, is switching from third person to first and back again. I think first person would work best throughout. Your character is disgruntled and angry but I doubt an English major would use quite so much vulgarity. Keep it up, you're doing well. My vote: 3

Welcome to SM! Not bad for your first effort, not bad at all. Overall you've written a very profound piece. You lose, however, some of the impact in grammar mistakes (easily correctable with practice). The poem at the end is very well done. Your descriptive narratives are also well written, lending the reader some good visuals. Again...grammar, spelling mistakes take away from the story so proofread before you publish. Good first shot, my vote: 3

Now, that's an interesting premise..."Saturday and not Monday...." Man, if you had clarified that, it would have made all the difference!!

Wow, you really packed a lot into this chapter. On the whole, the idea and direction were great. There are, however, some parts that are disconcerting and distracting; so much so, that your basic premise doesn't come forward clearly.
- Small town, Mrs B one of few or the only teacher and she doesn't know Jake has been missing for a week?
- Mrs B, teacher, undercover FBI agent doesn't sound like the type that would seek solace in a beer at a sleazy bar.
- Her abductor didn't come across (to me) as valid or real and how did she get out of her bonds?
I've read some of your other postings and they are, for the most part, quite well done; in particular "Life Really Was Funny Chapter 2". This piece, though full of ideas and imagination, did not reach the level of your other work. Still...my vote is 3.0

Nicely done. Excellent narratives. Good tension and mystery. My vote: 3.5

"opustanding"? Accidental. Fat fingers. But a pretty neat word, huh? I meant "outstanding" of course...lol

Geesh...another brand spankin' new member to SM comes along and writes an opustanding piece as an introduction. Will it ever end? LOL...Just kiddin'...about the...well, you know. Seriously, a very well written and plotted chapter. Excellent follow-on to the first chapter, you maintained the voice and tone. You moved the story forward and left it perfectly for any number of mashes. Great work! My vote: 3.5 OH, and Welcome to SM...;o)

Welcome to SM. I had to laugh through most of this and likely, would have laughed harder if I'd been able to understand more of it. You've got a really neat idea with this storyline. Many of the ideas you've espoused here are... what? Profoundly funny? Yes. This could be a really great story. It needs some heavy duty editing but, the basics are solidly there. Mr vote: 3.5

I took a peek and then, I opened the window and stared!! lol. Very nicely done. Excellent descriptive narratives. What dialogue there sounded real and the storyline; ending it as you did was superb! You should proofread a little more and catch some of the obvious grammar mistakes that will sometimes turn a reader off before he/she really gets to the meat of the story. Welcome to SM!! My vote: 3.5

The grammar mistakes and the screwy timeline threw me off, too. Normally, that would be enough to make me stop reading BUT...the story is simply too good, the suspense, the mystery and, yep; the excellent descriptions would not let me stop reading. Very well done, storywise!!
My vote: 4

Lots of grammatical errors, but MAN...suspense par excellence! Very nicely done. You kept the tension mounting from the first paragraph and ended in an almost perfect anti-climax. Bravo!

Wolfram, it's obvious that you've done some serious thinking about this problem. Kudo's to you for that and, for coming up with what I believe to be, a very viable, rational and logical solution. You have my full support for this idea.

Are you kidding, Katrina? I loved it. I had SO much fun with it....LMAO. I bet you have a bag full of words like that...please share some more!! ;o)

LOL...I wished I'd have known that before I posted that spoof!!

OK...here's a serious comment for you (Storymash).
For months and months we (the writing membership) has been asking for a programmatic change that allows a vote ONLY in conjunction with a comment. In the current contest, I have 3 comments (other than my own) and 10 votes. The last two votes have driven my standing way down. The 3 comments were made before vote #5 occurred. At least 3 of the last 5 votes were very low and were not accompanied by comment.
Instead of figuring out new ways to satisfy folks that feel mistreated because their chapter was not among the top ten.....FIX the DAMNED voting system!! Thank you.
PS..I am not the only one whose scores have tumbled (this contest round) for the same reason, without ryhme of reason.

OH....before I sign off. Entry Fee? How did we get into that? The question was whether we would pay a fee (not contest entry) to have a "randomized judge" read a single chapter that was not included in the top ten and determine whether it merits being considered along with the top ten stories. Again...we aren't talking about an ENTRY FEE....it's a VOLUNTARY READING FEE for those of us who feel their story should have been in the top ten, when the rest of the community didn't think so.

I guess everyone is going to maintain the serious bone on this, so; here's my two cents.
I for one will never use this option whether it costs $5 or two-bits. The way I see it, if the community voters don't put a chapter into the top ten...why would a single judge think otherwise; essentially overrule them? You've already made a change that helps late posters. I think there are several like minded folks here. So, institute it if you will and those that want to take advantage of it can do so, while those of us who don't... won't.

Very well done, makoallen! Erotic without over doing it; technically well written and plotted.

Uh...well....no. No thoughts on the context, anyway.
I do have some thoughts on "randomized judge" though. I know that "randomized" is, in fact, a word but, danged if I can associate it...lol.
I could see a "randomly selected judge" or maybe a "judge selected at random". Who would actuate the randomization? Would the judge volunteer or be selected by one of the other judges not necessarily available for randomization. Maybe the randomized judge would resent being selected; thinking that randomized and sodomized were simply, too close to call!
"HG, your friends and neighboring judges have decided to randomize you to read WWB's chapter."
"Ewww, randomized? No, thanks."
"Come on, HG, he's paid his fee! Someone has to do it and everyone else is allergic to randomization!"
"No way, give him his money back. Besides, how can you insinuate that I'm not a good judge and randomize me for it?"
"That's not the point, HG, no one said you weren't a good judge! We can't have WWB picking his judge can we? We have to randomly select someone to judge his chapter."
"If you and the others are picking me, it's not random, is it?"
"Well...."
"We should all draw straws or something."
"How the heck do we do that? We're hundreds of miles apart!"
"I don't know. It was your idea, figure it out. But I won't be randomized, I'll tell you that, for sure!!"

LMAO...okay just funnin' wid ya.

First, Welcome to SM!! I'm not sure how to comment..lol. I'll start with the really good things. You're mechanical skills are evident. You told a very good story. The down side is that I could not make a connection to the original chapter; well, not a solid connection that continued the storyline. Twelve years ago, Amy was Roberta's daughter (five years old). Now, we have an Amy again but how could it be the same girl? This contest is only 5 chapters long and your chapter did not move the chapter forward. You provided some great back story but failed to link it; and then, move the current story forward. My vote: 2.5

Well written, you followed the tone of chapter one well and introduced a potential villain. Otherwise, for me, it was rather "ho-hum". It felt a little bland and there weren't any particular parts whereby I thought, "wow!" or "ahh...". No offense intended. But, the writing mechanics, narratives and dialogue were very well done and certainly deserving of a 3.5 vote.

WB..I forgot to add that since I "misread" I intended to raise my vote. It's now 3.5.

Superior writing in true Nashvillebecker style! While I love your descriptive narratives and "back stories", in this case I thought it was a bit much and, overall, slowed the pace of the story. In the middle scene it took me a few reads to associate Shelby Osgood with Oz...lol... admittedly, I'm sometimes a little slow on the up-take. Having finally done so, though, I then had difficulty associating Oz's character as a rough and tumble redneck who would first, allow a young boy to scratch his neck and/or second, admit it to anyone. Finally, in the same scene Oz produces a credit card with a picture on it. I may be way behind the times, but I've never seen nor heard of a credit card carrying a picture, nor can I quite believe an experienced undercover agent would have in their possession anything that identified them as anyone other than whomever they pretended to be. That was a helluva sentence, huh? LOL. Overall, I liked the chapter. I liked the message setup near the train station; I liked the back stories and narratives and, I liked the piece with Felton and finally, I like you style (as always). My vote: 4.0

Has no one else noticed the "strange" judge, "tabr0wn"? He/she joined SM on Nov 3, last sign in Nov 4; zero chapters posted, a slew of contradictory and biased comments that were not exclusively contest entries; ("I don't like gore", "too bloody..", "I like the Dean Koontz style..."; I assume all on 3 and 4 Nov)and very erratic voting in the contest!! How did he/she become a contest judge? Had I participated in this round of the contest, I would be crying foul, especially if my name was nashvillebecker!

I was really getting into this and then...it was over! I, too, liked the idea of Jake in an antagonist role and I liked the mental chaos generated in Mrs. B's mind. Wish it had been longer...my vote: 3

I like the idea of voodoo and most of your narrative paragraphs were descriptive and well done. Overall, however, the writing was disjointed; skipping from a truck noise to Jake's sudden departure to grading papers, finding the note, going to the school at night, Pete "already" being there (indicates next morning), all without connecting explanation. As Aggeloi mentioned, it felt a bit rushed. Indeed, I imagine you had this storyline running through your head and typing the "dots" as quickly as you could, so as not to lose them. I do that myself, a lot. What you forgot to do, however, was to connect those "dots". Good imagination, several very good narrative paragraphs...spend more time on plot development. My vote: 2.5

Ah, I can see you sitting at your computer, slowly shaking your head, a grim smirk on your face as you read my comment. "What an dolt," you're thinking, "didn't he notice that Jake's dad appears at the door, negating his entire concern in the plot?"
Sighing, you stretch your fingers to the keyboard and type a response, all the time saying to yourself, "I will be cool, I will gently point out the error of his ways, I will be cool, I will not tell him how stupid he surely is...."

LMAO...OF COURSE, Jakes' father appearing at the door negated the "downside" part of my comment. OF COURSE, his appearance changed the storyline and notched up the suspense!
OF COURSE, I can't add one and one to get two and realize that my comment was BS before typing it.

I have never claimed to be a good critic (you could go back and check all of my comments and see how many times I've pointed to my lack of critique skills) and here, again, I've completely verified my lack of critique credential!! My apologies; my thanks for not pounding on me and, as pentence, I've raised my vote. 3.5

Hmmm, recently several writers here have switched POV in the middle of a chapter, when the scene changed. I agree, though, that I could have had John go to the door of Mrs.B's house and continued in her POV and gotten most of the same information out. I simply didn't think of it...lol. Thanks, WBS....next time I will think of it.

LOL...true, zatoichi, very true.
BTW, I loved your comment to that goofball in this contest...hmmm, forgot his/her name. Make that a he, no woman would write crap like that...at least, none that I know or know of...lol.

Thanks, Aggeloi. I hadn't read anyone's chapters until I'd posted mine (standard procedure for me)and I've been surprised that several have involved Jake's dad. Pleasantly so, in that I seem to be the only one, so far, that projects him as a potential protagonist. I really appreciate your comment and vote!

I liked your writing style, in particular the mix of narrative and dialogue; one led to the other quite well, I think. I have a small issue with the plot line. If Jake overheard his dad talking about killing Mrs. B and was concerned that his dad would find out that he'd told Mrs. B; would he willingly allow her to walk him back to his house? I wouldn't...lol. The same criterium applies to Mrs. B.; would she put Jake in that kind of jeopardy. I don't think so. Anyway, just my opinion and, as I said, I like your writing style. My vote: 3

Ah, crystalfoo, you've outdone even yourself! Fabulous writing, terrific imagination and superb plotting. You moved this story miles ahead and your invention/definition of the "zero effect" was especially sweet. I loved how you described Mrs. B past tragedy in such a short, but potent paragraph. Well...I can't say enough... lol...but, I have, I think! Vote: 4.5

I'm glad...whoever you are...that you read my chapter. It would've been better had you commented rather than simply voting it down, but I'm a big guy and I know there are pitiful creatures, such as yourselves, dearly in need of sympathy. Unfortunately, I'm not one to give it.

Very nicely done, wendyboop. Your writing is very good, especially in those little details that make a story more real. I thought you continued the story well, moved the plot forward and left it quite well for the next chapter. I do have a couple of nits, though. The first is that I found this piece a teensy bit too short and the second...well, the second is the part about Jake's Dad making him promise not to tell. If "the change" is as mysterious as you've made it to be (and there's no doubt that you made that point); I can't see Jake's dad risking being overheard by Jake (especially as this change has something to do with Jake)and most especially, once overheard, I can't see Jake's dad letting him out of the house! Well, my opinions, of course. Overall I very much liked the mash and your writing style. My vote: 3.5

Excellent writing, aggeloi. I was impressed with the "secret room"; it's invention and the way you described and used it in the storyline. I was thrown off a bit by Mrs. B's reaction after talking to her controller...pack and run. I got the impression from chapter one that she was made of sterner stuff, used to tense situations (16 undercover missions?). It was a small distraction and, she did decide to stay on (thank goodness for that, huh?) LOL; overall I liked the mash and I've always liked your style. My vote: 3.5

WB...my apologies. We DO know the why in your chapter. She's a Fed after the Mafia. Dang, I'm getting old...lol.

I like the initiative and imaginative aspects of writing a "prequell" and, I think, had you continued on a page or three, you could have progressed the plot. As is, we're still at Mrs B is going to die before Monday. In chapter one, we don't know who or why; and, in your chapter, we can assume Tony (the mafia hit man?) is the who and we're still guessing the why. Other than that the story hasn't moved forward. You write very well and I liked your style. My vote: 3

Well done! I got a "children of the corn" feel and that's great! Maybe incorrect, but that's what I got..lol. Excellent writing and plotting, you added to Mrs. B character and introduced a mysterious "villain". You also have a great leave for the next chapter...What more could anyone want? My vote: 3.5
PS..I wouldn't worry about too much gore. Yes, there are some who don't care for it; but, there are an equal number that don't mind it at all...on the contrary. The "gore" in this chapter was, to my thinking, practically non-existent in comparison to other stories posted here and, in some of my own stories...lol.

Too short. Not in context. Poor plot line. Lousy joke. My vote: .5

HOLY MOLY!! LOL....I don't know how you got from the first chapter to this (I surely don't have an imagination of that magnitude), but danged if it ain't mighty fine!! Excellent writing, detail, narrative and dialogue. I'm especially impressed with the Sheriff's thought lines... very "in character". I don't know how I missed your being here the past month, but damned sorry that I have. Welcome to SM!! My vote: 4

Oh, I forgot to add that in this contest I won't have to worry about the deadline because I just posted my submission. A week before the deadline...will wonders never cease? LOL

That's an excellent idea, wolfram!!

Thanks, hebe; in my case, as the past has proven...that's a wunnerful thing...lol. Ever the optimist,...I'll buy it!

Welcome to SM! Neat little piece, here. Errors, yep...short, yep...but, not a bad start and you've demonstrated some writing talent; in particularly, imagination...lol. Look forward to reading more of your work.

Hmmm, okay...so how does that make voting more fair? I assume then, that the top 10 (community voted) will remain the only chapters that the official judges will read and vote on?

I know you don't pay attention to..."My God, Nash, you are truly the Messiah here" or any and all of the other laudable comments you consistently (and well deserved) receive. So, I'll abstain and simply give you my usual 5 vote!

“That wasn’t very scary!” My nephew pouted.
Yeah, my sentiments, as well. I thought the climax obvious from very early in the story but then, at the end, I didn't understand whether (some of) the relatives were dead or dying; or, how they came to be that way. Sorry, wish I could've voted it higher, but a 3 is all I good give.

I meant "Muchas Gracias", natürlich....lol.

A month ago...geesh, time flies. A month ago I was going to mash this and then lost track. I've re-read the whole series, thusfar, and I'm back on track. Great job, here, cheese; but, "defensive vomiting"? Holy Moly....lol.

Good ideas, but too danged short...lol. Hmmm, and I'm glad you posted first as a draft. Seems that in Foo's chapter, she mentioned the meeting between "the Senator and the Congressman"...
"Hughes and Humphreys"? So, I'm confused. I like the idea of a mafia type joining the cast of characters...mafia vs the COC...yes! But, I think you need to bring him in another way.

I'm way late getting back to this. Super job, wsells! I love your Shooter character!

Muy Gracias, Perro!! I plan to continue regardless of any mash that might occur. I'm particularly happy to see that someone noticed the (slow and sometimes, still invisible)improvement in my writing technique....;o).

Published Mañana Can Wait - The Story Revisited. I initially published the lyrics to the song and then thought I'd turn into a real story, publishing Mañana Can Wait - The Story. Fabulous comments from nash, HG, PEPPZ and wsells led me to revise...thus, MCW - The Story Revisited. Hey, Dog...thanks for the truly encouraging comments!!

Great Mash, Morrigana! A little short but the narrative paragraphs joined with the dialogue to create a "full" story feel. Wonderful ending, perfect for another mash.