All Comments by writerwannabe
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writerwannabe 11 hours, 37 minutes ago
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Way to go, nash!!! |
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writerwannabe 1 day, 2 hours ago
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You're welcome! Listen, while we are on that subject and I didn't want to say anything on the contest page. It irks me to no end to read some of these comments being made by the judges, especially those that talk about the POV change being a distraction (oh, my!) or I'd have given you a higher vote if it weren't for a couple of comma's being in the wrong place and...well, you know what I'm talking about...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 day, 6 hours ago
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Nash - comment to come. I'm using your most recent post to send you a message. |
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writerwannabe 1 day, 6 hours ago
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I did have a comment. Just me, but I would leave out the chapter designation following the italics intro and go straight into the story. The chapter number is in the title, after all..;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 day, 6 hours ago
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Still loving this. Glad it's still a draft as I definitely want more in this chapter....lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 day, 6 hours ago
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So, I'm way late in reading this story. Damn. For what it still may be worth, I had zero problem following the storyline from one to two. I'll likely have no problem with three (up for reading next). This is beautifully written, wolf. I applaud you for writing like this. By "this" I mean moving POVs, jumping from past to present, introducing new characters without apparent attachment to previous chapter, etc. "Applaud" because most everyone that has attempted (even in small portion) this style gets dinged in the comments blocks. "I don't understand the connection", "this piece doesn't seem to fit", etc. Longer stories, written in novel style are especially read worthy, in my humble opinion. This is far beyond "read worthy". |
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writerwannabe 1 day, 11 hours ago
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All judges - Thanks for the very detailed and instructive comments. Someday soon, I'll get a handle on those danged semi-colons. LOL. Seriously, all of your comments were well thought out and I appreciate your time and effort . |
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writerwannabe 3 days, 8 hours ago
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Welcome to SM!! Minor grammatical errors take nothing away from this excellently written and plotted piece. You hooked me from the beginning and kept the suspense tight all the way through. Your descriptive narratives were very well done and the dialogue was real. You'll be a most welcome addition to this site, joyride! 4.5 Stars. |
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writerwannabe 6 days, 2 hours ago
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Wolfram - Thanks for the comments and the great vote! I'm not sure I understand your remarks about, Pete. He knew her name because Wilkes told him. Wilkes also told Lockley. Wilkes is not a good guy. Ms B was suspicious of Pete because of that, but he proved his innocence and besides, she has no one else she can trust. She doesn't really know Jessie, but as far as she does know, she's Pete's wife and she's been kidnapped. She kicked the **** out of Lockley and then, he cold cocked her..why would not trusting him be an issue? I guess "old school villains" aren't "in" anymore...lol. Thanks, again, although I don't necessarily agree with your comments, I appreciate you taking the time to give them and I you did provide me with a different perspective! |
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writerwannabe 6 days, 11 hours ago
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Good entry, Cheese. While I liked the turn in the plot, I don't think it fits well with the rest of the story. Writing wise, of course, very well done. I liked the bus driver character and especially the blind guy! I don't think you moved the story along very far and you left out your usual suspense and tempo driven narratives; at least to a degree heretofore not seen in your writing. So, a good chapter, but not a really, really good chapter. 3.5 stars. |
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writerwannabe 6 days, 12 hours ago
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This, no longer a draft, is fantastic. Not sure how much your "mysterious" editor contributed but I'm sure he didn't write this. You did and it is by far, in my humble opinion, the best chapter in this round. From beginning to end, a roller coaster ride that allowed me to feel the wind in my face, the bumps of the rails and the sound of the passenger's screams. You covered every detail from the previous chapters, threw in several fabulous minor twists and a great major turn in the plot; and included enough details to make the whole thing completely visual. The introduction of new characters was seamless and perfectly done. Absolutely magnificent writin!!! 5 stars. Now after all that gushing, I need to go change shirts....lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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You dirty dog...you, you...genius...lol. Damn, eleven, here I'm thinking I have a really good chance of winning a round. Nash has a lead on me, but it's slight and well the judges haven't been nice to nash lately, or me, for that matter; regardless I figured I had a good chance and then...you couldn't stay "retired" for a little while longer? I breathed a sigh of relief at your first post. I thought, "Excellent writing but a little off the storyline"..no worries. And now, this -- this masterpiece. Oh, I had pushed away the fact that three top writer's still haven't submitted and they have a couple of days still (Wandering-Rian, Wolfram and Crystalfoo). I had convinced myself that the fates would smile on me until this -- work of horror fiction art. Damn you, dog....4.5 stars only because I wanted this so very badly NOT to be horror or supernatural...LMAO. |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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Holy Moly...what a dolt I am to even remotely infer that you might be a "newbie" writer (reference my comment to your contest entry). This was professional and very well done! Like dogdeity, I'm not much for fairytale stuff, but remembering that you'd written your contest entry while at work; I wanted to see what you did away from there. Wow! Creative, great character development, wonderful plotting... especially the end of this chaper. Loved it! |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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Two things attracted me to the chapter, the title and your moniker...lol. I'm glad they did. I liked the underlying and overlaying humour. I like the tone of the narrator's voice and, though, as HG commented "it's been done so many times", I found some uniqueness in your piece that will entice me to read more! |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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Weeelllll, you asked...lol. It was short and relatively "cliché". OK...15 minute exercise. I didn't get any real emotional effect. He knelt beside her "face"...hmmm..she's sitting, he kneels; wouldn't he be beside her knees? I normally don't mention typos because everyone makes them, especially in a quick exercise but the word "empitimy" grabbed me. I like it!!! LOL. I sometimes do an exercise in which I invent words...I'll add this to my "off sides" dictionary. Overall, nothing that would cause me to read more...sorry. I should add that I'm not much for romance stories. Oh, I did like the line about waiting by the phone after a fight because he "...wasn't man enough to apologize." That certainly rings true!! |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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LOL...Since your writing about it, we can assume that you are unharmed? Neat way to relate the experience! |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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I really liked this chapter, Eternal_Flame. While the suspense was low key, it was evident and Ms B's thought processes and actions were very well done. On the one hand, I would have liked to see more of Pete; on the other, he's still in the game and you left him in a position to play a major role in subsequent chapters. I couldn't completely believe the "interrogation" scene. Thirty-five people waiting for Ms B, I doubt they would put her away that easily or quickly although it seems only minutes passed before someone came to get her out of the room Lockley had put her in. I like how you protrayed Lockley, by the way. While I've tried to move the story away from the supernatural, you kept it and did it well. 4 stars. |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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Good suspense and, overall a very good effort. I do have some "nits" to pass along...just my own opinion, of course. |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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Thanks, politeditor! Not to brag on my production, but I would have a third entry except that I got the idea for it from crystalfoo and I didn't want to steal it...lol. On the hand, she hasn't used it...hmmmmm! |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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Politeditor - Thanks for the comments and vote. Nash is the guy to worry about...I've never won one of these contest and I've been here awhile..lol. Oh, and since you're relatively new, you probably missed dogdeity's work (he's been taking a vacation or something the past several weeks) but, now that he's back...watch out!! LOL. By the way, I read your submission, just haven't commented, yet; but, I will today! |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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Greetings, thamagnopen. Wow doesn't suffice in response to your musical accomplishments. I, too, am a songwriter, musician, vocalist. I've not had nearly the success you've had and what success I've had has all been in Europe. Hey, want to produce some of my stuff? LOL...just kidding....mostly....;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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Greetings! I read your latest chapter and liked it a lot. I also commented. It's good to see you back after such a long hiatus...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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Awww, man! I was hopin' you'd stay out of this round...lol. Not really. I love competition and the stiffer it is, the sweeter will be my victory!!! LOL. Yeah, I know, but don't tell anyone else, okay? Thanks! 4.5, dang it. |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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Hoooo....loved this! Where the heck you been lately? This is great...the characters, especially your lead. The dialogue, especially with himself and the narrative, especially in the style you've used here. Really good. I hope to see the continuances...4 stars! |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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I loved this and reading it made me realize how much I liked your stuff and missed reading new work these past couple months! Damn, it's good to have you back and I echo nash's comments.... hope this isn't just a cameo. Love your style, but this one is in a world of it's own and it would be very hard to work into the middle of this particular storyline...regardless of POV..LOL. My vote: 4.0 |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 1 day ago
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LOL...so, now we know the 'rest of the story'!! Tsk, tsk...writing at work....I'll bet none of the rest of us ever do that!! |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 1 day ago
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In case you missed the "preview" block, please don't stop reading. While some of the beginning paragraphs are identical to my earlier contest submission, "Agents United"; this is an entirely new chapter with respect to storyline. Your comments and votes are always appreciated...:o) |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 1 day ago
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Welcome to SM, xmochax!! |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 1 day ago
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Welcome to SM. You have some good ideas. I assume that you're relatively new at writing? I don't intend that to be a slight in any way, it's simply that your writing lacks polish and there are several "newbie" mistakes that distract the reader from your story. Some of these mistakes could be fixed with in-depth proofreading; but many are basic word usage and sentence structure errors. I think you've made an excellent start and with practice and better comments / critique than I can offer, you'll develop into a fine writer. For effort and good ideas - 3 stars. |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 2 days ago
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Not a bad draft, wolfram. I like where you're going with this...bringing Ms B's past back with a bang!! |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 2 days ago
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Your usual excellent writing chloe...;o). I have to disagree with Eternal_Flame, though, "the best job so far at continuing all elements of the story..,". Several things distracted me from the story. |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 2 days ago
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Great work, WBS, especially from Part two to finish. The first part, waiting for and riding the bus dragged a little and I thought Lockley a little meek considering the conclusion of Agg's chapter. Of course, that was before I read the rest of the story...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 3 days ago
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Welcome to SM, Atrus. Your first post here is very well written. I like how you've built suspense and begun to develop your characters. You have an interesting writing style...reminds me of some of the classics in literature, a little bit. I look forward to reading more from you. |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 4 days ago
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Way cool...you really did go back and find this chapter! Thanks for that and thanks for the comments. Rachel is Trashman's woman...is there someplace where I confused you? |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 4 days ago
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Sword - Thanks for the comments. First, though, my negligence in previous comment: Welcome to StoryMash!! |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 4 days ago
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I am a big fan of Koontz and King. I don't think they've published anything that I haven't read and some of it more than once. My favorite genre is obvious..horror, thriller, suspense. I've also read a lot of Forsythe and Ludlow (guess I'm aging myself...lol) as well as Michael Crichton, Dan Brown and Anne Rice. Add JK Rowling..I LOVE Harry Potter...;o) Mark Twain, Tolkien and Thoreau. There are others, but I can't remember their names at the moment. Guess you could say that I read a lot...lol |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 4 days ago
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Thanks for your comments on mine, Savarager and I forgot to mention earlier...Welcome to SM...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 5 days ago
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LOL....hmmm, isn't this a contest entry? Have I "misposted?"...Anyway, I was just funnin' wid ya!...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 5 days ago
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Cross my heart, I NEVER read anyone's story until after I've posted my own. Having said that, it amazes me that writers can come up with similar plots/sub-plots. In our united case, we both put Pete into the game as an agent and whereby you indicated Wilkes was "rogue", I only hinted at it...lol. Oh well, there are still plenty of differences on our individual takes. |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 5 days ago
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I liked it, especially the dialogue and Ms B's thought processes in the car. I just wish it had been a little longer and taken the story a teensy bit further. There are, after all, only two chapters after this one. But, I liked it...3.5 |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 5 days ago
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Katrina - In case you read this and comment...please, please, please do not write "proofread, proofread, proofread"...lol. I did, several times, and I know that I missed a couple of things. Most notably the extra "my" in the first paragraph. But, hey, I'm really getting better at finding those things....;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 6 days ago
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Dang, and I thought I'd learned a new trick with semi colons...well, half a trick, it seems....LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks ago
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Neat story! I like your Jeremiah character and the Cat...lol. Your building an interesting plot but it's hampered by some distracting mechanical skill errors. I'd suggest you proofread more closely. I realize that you don't want to tip too much, but a little more background into the who, where and why of Jeremiah would be very beneficial, I think. Overall a great start. I voted you a 3.5! |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks ago
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LOL...thanks, tomcat. Yep, this is my hundredth attempt. No, but I have tried to write it a few times with varied success. We'll see about this time...;o) Thanks for the comment and encouragement. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks ago
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I knew this was the winner when I first read it. Excellent job, well deserved. Congratulations! |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 1 day ago
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Another beauty, makoallen. I have one complaint...lol....too danged short! I read a comment recently where you stated that you write primarily the "flash" type of complete story. You are surely a master at it, but...damn, just when's it's getting good (read hot) it's over. Hmmm, cyber sadism...is that possible? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 1 day ago
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I particularly like D/s relationship stories, books and movies and this is spot on. Excellent writing; descriptive, narrative and dialogue that speaks completely to the life-style. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 1 day ago
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Excellent! Too bad Bill wasn't able to see your tribute. We did. Through your writing (as with most writers) people learn about you. I think that's a good thing. This adds to that process. Kudo's. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 1 day ago
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Welcome to StoryMash! Your first submission is quite good...;o). Your narratives are, perhaps, a little "dry", but your dialogue and descriptives make up for it. I was a little confused in a couple of places (reading from the diary, jumping from future to past and back) but a quick re-read clarified things. What I really like is the premise, the storyline and the mystery you've woven. Very good job!! 3.5 stars |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 1 day ago
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I like this, TBH. It's been a long time since I've read anything of yours...;o(. I did notice that you were commenting but not writing... shame, shame....lol. This is a really good start. I like the tension, the dream, the interaction with Karen. With dkk4510, though, I thought you started to rush a little. I do that, too, so I recognize it pretty easily... lol. I'd like to mash this but don't think I'll find the time soon. I'll be looking for a continuation, though...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 1 day ago
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Hindsight....I could have dragged out John's epiphany; maybe in an ensuing conversation with Mrs. B it occurs to them both. Well... |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 3 days ago
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Welcome to SM! This is a very well written first entry. I agree with everyone else's comments that your chapter didn't move the story forward very much and I, too, liked the cat at the end. Overall a very good first effort. My vote: 3 |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 3 days ago
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LOL...great minds think alike! Or, occasionally lesser gets lucky..;o). I also don't read anyone's entries until I've posted my own and I was surprised to see that several brought Jake's dad into the story. I think I was the only one who used him as a potential protagonist, though. I think Aggeloi's "Shadow" entry is the odds on favorite here although yours and a couple of others are very strong contenders. Well, there's always the next round....:o). Thanks for your comment and the great vote!! |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 4 days ago
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Fantastic chapter, wolfram. I really, really liked the back story with Ted and the bar scene. I'm also a new fan of the whole town being in danger. The downside is the scene with Jake. Mrs. B's dialogue was spot on but, Jake? I'm sorry but I agree with Wandering-Rian...it didn't sound right. Jake's voice was much too mature, much to detailed to be that of a what....eight or nine year old? That scene took about half the chapter...so 5 stars minus half the chapter at 2.5 leaves ya a 2.5! Nawwwww....the total chapter is worth far more....4 stars! |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 5 days ago
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Welcome to SM, Rebecca. This was a very good first entry. I loved the tension that you continued to build throughout. Without actually describing your characters, I got a very good visual. Your dialogue comes across real and timely. You DO need to work on the format as that diminishes reader attention and enjoyment. I'd suggest you type on Word. Use Arial or Times New Roman, 12 pt. and paste into the SM story box. Separate your paragraphs, especially dialogue. In this piece, I had to read twice on a few occasions to make sure I knew which character was talking. Very good overall effort. 3.5 stars. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 5 days ago
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I'm disappointed, hebe. I saw your entry and thought, "this'll be a good one," based upon all that I've previously read from you. This was too short and didn't move the plot forward. Nothing new, none of your usual twists and turns. Sigh....3.0 |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 5 days ago
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Welcome to SM!! You've done a nice job, here. Unfortunately, it is woefully short and did not meet the criteria for a solid contest mash. There are several things the judges look for: A link to the previous chapter - you did this fine. A continuation of the storyline, move the story forward - this you didn't do very well. We're still at the point of Mrs B at a loss of what action to take (if any) based upon Jake's announcement of her death. And, you leave your chapter in place whereby the next chapter can link - this you didn't do very well, either because your chapter ended in essentially the same place as the previous chapter. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 5 days ago
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I liked it, but not as much as the original chapter. My opinion - you went too far, too fast omitting a lot of explanation. While I, too, am of the mind that readers know more (and can create their own links) than most writer's give them credit for; and, you are an excellent practicioner of this -- I think the "jumps" this time were a little far. Don't get me wrong, I love your style, your ability to link dialogue and narrative creating very real characters and your imagination. Had this been votable, mine would have been 3.5. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 5 days ago
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Very much improved over the first half of the chapter. Your format, while still needing work, is much easier to read and therefore, the story itself comes out better. The manager, Mr. Dubrovnik is a character hard to believe; on the other hand...lol. By the way, people who can't control their drinking, drink vodka during work. Why? Because it has no smell...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 5 days ago
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I know what you mean about the voting scales...lol. Writing your style, your way is by far the best way, I reckon. You'd be old and gray by the time you figured out to please all of the people, all of the time...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 6 days ago
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Good response to maoripete, Firebird...lol, alas you are simply playing into his hands, I think. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 6 days ago
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Fantastic chapter, Aggeloi. Damn, I guess it's back to the drawing board for the rest of us! LOL. Cutting my own throat, talent such as yours cannot be denied. 5 stars! |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 6 days ago
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Hooboy. This character is one disgruntled and angry young man. You have a good premise, a good idea and the beginning of a very good storyline, BUT....the most disconcerting thing, here, is switching from third person to first and back again. I think first person would work best throughout. Your character is disgruntled and angry but I doubt an English major would use quite so much vulgarity. Keep it up, you're doing well. My vote: 3 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks ago
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Welcome to SM! Not bad for your first effort, not bad at all. Overall you've written a very profound piece. You lose, however, some of the impact in grammar mistakes (easily correctable with practice). The poem at the end is very well done. Your descriptive narratives are also well written, lending the reader some good visuals. Again...grammar, spelling mistakes take away from the story so proofread before you publish. Good first shot, my vote: 3 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks ago
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Now, that's an interesting premise..."Saturday and not Monday...." Man, if you had clarified that, it would have made all the difference!! |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks ago
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Wow, you really packed a lot into this chapter. On the whole, the idea and direction were great. There are, however, some parts that are disconcerting and distracting; so much so, that your basic premise doesn't come forward clearly. |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks ago
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Nicely done. Excellent narratives. Good tension and mystery. My vote: 3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks ago
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"opustanding"? Accidental. Fat fingers. But a pretty neat word, huh? I meant "outstanding" of course...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks ago
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Geesh...another brand spankin' new member to SM comes along and writes an opustanding piece as an introduction. Will it ever end? LOL...Just kiddin'...about the...well, you know. Seriously, a very well written and plotted chapter. Excellent follow-on to the first chapter, you maintained the voice and tone. You moved the story forward and left it perfectly for any number of mashes. Great work! My vote: 3.5 OH, and Welcome to SM...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks ago
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Welcome to SM. I had to laugh through most of this and likely, would have laughed harder if I'd been able to understand more of it. You've got a really neat idea with this storyline. Many of the ideas you've espoused here are... what? Profoundly funny? Yes. This could be a really great story. It needs some heavy duty editing but, the basics are solidly there. Mr vote: 3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks ago
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I took a peek and then, I opened the window and stared!! lol. Very nicely done. Excellent descriptive narratives. What dialogue there sounded real and the storyline; ending it as you did was superb! You should proofread a little more and catch some of the obvious grammar mistakes that will sometimes turn a reader off before he/she really gets to the meat of the story. Welcome to SM!! My vote: 3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks ago
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The grammar mistakes and the screwy timeline threw me off, too. Normally, that would be enough to make me stop reading BUT...the story is simply too good, the suspense, the mystery and, yep; the excellent descriptions would not let me stop reading. Very well done, storywise!! |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks ago
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Lots of grammatical errors, but MAN...suspense par excellence! Very nicely done. You kept the tension mounting from the first paragraph and ended in an almost perfect anti-climax. Bravo! |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks ago
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Wolfram, it's obvious that you've done some serious thinking about this problem. Kudo's to you for that and, for coming up with what I believe to be, a very viable, rational and logical solution. You have my full support for this idea. |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks ago
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Are you kidding, Katrina? I loved it. I had SO much fun with it....LMAO. I bet you have a bag full of words like that...please share some more!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 1 day ago
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LOL...I wished I'd have known that before I posted that spoof!! |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 1 day ago
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OK...here's a serious comment for you (Storymash). |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 2 days ago
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OH....before I sign off. Entry Fee? How did we get into that? The question was whether we would pay a fee (not contest entry) to have a "randomized judge" read a single chapter that was not included in the top ten and determine whether it merits being considered along with the top ten stories. Again...we aren't talking about an ENTRY FEE....it's a VOLUNTARY READING FEE for those of us who feel their story should have been in the top ten, when the rest of the community didn't think so. |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 2 days ago
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I guess everyone is going to maintain the serious bone on this, so; here's my two cents. |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 2 days ago
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Very well done, makoallen! Erotic without over doing it; technically well written and plotted. |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 2 days ago
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Uh...well....no. No thoughts on the context, anyway. LMAO...okay just funnin' wid ya. |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 2 days ago
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First, Welcome to SM!! I'm not sure how to comment..lol. I'll start with the really good things. You're mechanical skills are evident. You told a very good story. The down side is that I could not make a connection to the original chapter; well, not a solid connection that continued the storyline. Twelve years ago, Amy was Roberta's daughter (five years old). Now, we have an Amy again but how could it be the same girl? This contest is only 5 chapters long and your chapter did not move the chapter forward. You provided some great back story but failed to link it; and then, move the current story forward. My vote: 2.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 2 days ago
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Well written, you followed the tone of chapter one well and introduced a potential villain. Otherwise, for me, it was rather "ho-hum". It felt a little bland and there weren't any particular parts whereby I thought, "wow!" or "ahh...". No offense intended. But, the writing mechanics, narratives and dialogue were very well done and certainly deserving of a 3.5 vote. |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 3 days ago
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WB..I forgot to add that since I "misread" I intended to raise my vote. It's now 3.5. |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 3 days ago
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Superior writing in true Nashvillebecker style! While I love your descriptive narratives and "back stories", in this case I thought it was a bit much and, overall, slowed the pace of the story. In the middle scene it took me a few reads to associate Shelby Osgood with Oz...lol... admittedly, I'm sometimes a little slow on the up-take. Having finally done so, though, I then had difficulty associating Oz's character as a rough and tumble redneck who would first, allow a young boy to scratch his neck and/or second, admit it to anyone. Finally, in the same scene Oz produces a credit card with a picture on it. I may be way behind the times, but I've never seen nor heard of a credit card carrying a picture, nor can I quite believe an experienced undercover agent would have in their possession anything that identified them as anyone other than whomever they pretended to be. That was a helluva sentence, huh? LOL. Overall, I liked the chapter. I liked the message setup near the train station; I liked the back stories and narratives and, I liked the piece with Felton and finally, I like you style (as always). My vote: 4.0 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 3 days ago
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Has no one else noticed the "strange" judge, "tabr0wn"? He/she joined SM on Nov 3, last sign in Nov 4; zero chapters posted, a slew of contradictory and biased comments that were not exclusively contest entries; ("I don't like gore", "too bloody..", "I like the Dean Koontz style..."; I assume all on 3 and 4 Nov)and very erratic voting in the contest!! How did he/she become a contest judge? Had I participated in this round of the contest, I would be crying foul, especially if my name was nashvillebecker! |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 3 days ago
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I was really getting into this and then...it was over! I, too, liked the idea of Jake in an antagonist role and I liked the mental chaos generated in Mrs. B's mind. Wish it had been longer...my vote: 3 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 4 days ago
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I like the idea of voodoo and most of your narrative paragraphs were descriptive and well done. Overall, however, the writing was disjointed; skipping from a truck noise to Jake's sudden departure to grading papers, finding the note, going to the school at night, Pete "already" being there (indicates next morning), all without connecting explanation. As Aggeloi mentioned, it felt a bit rushed. Indeed, I imagine you had this storyline running through your head and typing the "dots" as quickly as you could, so as not to lose them. I do that myself, a lot. What you forgot to do, however, was to connect those "dots". Good imagination, several very good narrative paragraphs...spend more time on plot development. My vote: 2.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 4 days ago
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Ah, I can see you sitting at your computer, slowly shaking your head, a grim smirk on your face as you read my comment. "What an dolt," you're thinking, "didn't he notice that Jake's dad appears at the door, negating his entire concern in the plot?" LMAO...OF COURSE, Jakes' father appearing at the door negated the "downside" part of my comment. OF COURSE, his appearance changed the storyline and notched up the suspense! I have never claimed to be a good critic (you could go back and check all of my comments and see how many times I've pointed to my lack of critique skills) and here, again, I've completely verified my lack of critique credential!! My apologies; my thanks for not pounding on me and, as pentence, I've raised my vote. 3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 4 days ago
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Hmmm, recently several writers here have switched POV in the middle of a chapter, when the scene changed. I agree, though, that I could have had John go to the door of Mrs.B's house and continued in her POV and gotten most of the same information out. I simply didn't think of it...lol. Thanks, WBS....next time I will think of it. |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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LOL...true, zatoichi, very true. |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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Thanks, Aggeloi. I hadn't read anyone's chapters until I'd posted mine (standard procedure for me)and I've been surprised that several have involved Jake's dad. Pleasantly so, in that I seem to be the only one, so far, that projects him as a potential protagonist. I really appreciate your comment and vote! |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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I liked your writing style, in particular the mix of narrative and dialogue; one led to the other quite well, I think. I have a small issue with the plot line. If Jake overheard his dad talking about killing Mrs. B and was concerned that his dad would find out that he'd told Mrs. B; would he willingly allow her to walk him back to his house? I wouldn't...lol. The same criterium applies to Mrs. B.; would she put Jake in that kind of jeopardy. I don't think so. Anyway, just my opinion and, as I said, I like your writing style. My vote: 3 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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Ah, crystalfoo, you've outdone even yourself! Fabulous writing, terrific imagination and superb plotting. You moved this story miles ahead and your invention/definition of the "zero effect" was especially sweet. I loved how you described Mrs. B past tragedy in such a short, but potent paragraph. Well...I can't say enough... lol...but, I have, I think! Vote: 4.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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I'm glad...whoever you are...that you read my chapter. It would've been better had you commented rather than simply voting it down, but I'm a big guy and I know there are pitiful creatures, such as yourselves, dearly in need of sympathy. Unfortunately, I'm not one to give it. |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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Very nicely done, wendyboop. Your writing is very good, especially in those little details that make a story more real. I thought you continued the story well, moved the plot forward and left it quite well for the next chapter. I do have a couple of nits, though. The first is that I found this piece a teensy bit too short and the second...well, the second is the part about Jake's Dad making him promise not to tell. If "the change" is as mysterious as you've made it to be (and there's no doubt that you made that point); I can't see Jake's dad risking being overheard by Jake (especially as this change has something to do with Jake)and most especially, once overheard, I can't see Jake's dad letting him out of the house! Well, my opinions, of course. Overall I very much liked the mash and your writing style. My vote: 3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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Excellent writing, aggeloi. I was impressed with the "secret room"; it's invention and the way you described and used it in the storyline. I was thrown off a bit by Mrs. B's reaction after talking to her controller...pack and run. I got the impression from chapter one that she was made of sterner stuff, used to tense situations (16 undercover missions?). It was a small distraction and, she did decide to stay on (thank goodness for that, huh?) LOL; overall I liked the mash and I've always liked your style. My vote: 3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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WB...my apologies. We DO know the why in your chapter. She's a Fed after the Mafia. Dang, I'm getting old...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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I like the initiative and imaginative aspects of writing a "prequell" and, I think, had you continued on a page or three, you could have progressed the plot. As is, we're still at Mrs B is going to die before Monday. In chapter one, we don't know who or why; and, in your chapter, we can assume Tony (the mafia hit man?) is the who and we're still guessing the why. Other than that the story hasn't moved forward. You write very well and I liked your style. My vote: 3 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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Well done! I got a "children of the corn" feel and that's great! Maybe incorrect, but that's what I got..lol. Excellent writing and plotting, you added to Mrs. B character and introduced a mysterious "villain". You also have a great leave for the next chapter...What more could anyone want? My vote: 3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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Too short. Not in context. Poor plot line. Lousy joke. My vote: .5 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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HOLY MOLY!! LOL....I don't know how you got from the first chapter to this (I surely don't have an imagination of that magnitude), but danged if it ain't mighty fine!! Excellent writing, detail, narrative and dialogue. I'm especially impressed with the Sheriff's thought lines... very "in character". I don't know how I missed your being here the past month, but damned sorry that I have. Welcome to SM!! My vote: 4 |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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Oh, I forgot to add that in this contest I won't have to worry about the deadline because I just posted my submission. A week before the deadline...will wonders never cease? LOL |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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That's an excellent idea, wolfram!! |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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Thanks, hebe; in my case, as the past has proven...that's a wunnerful thing...lol. Ever the optimist,...I'll buy it! |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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Welcome to SM! Neat little piece, here. Errors, yep...short, yep...but, not a bad start and you've demonstrated some writing talent; in particularly, imagination...lol. Look forward to reading more of your work. |
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writerwannabe 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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Hmmm, okay...so how does that make voting more fair? I assume then, that the top 10 (community voted) will remain the only chapters that the official judges will read and vote on? |
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writerwannabe 1 month ago
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I know you don't pay attention to..."My God, Nash, you are truly the Messiah here" or any and all of the other laudable comments you consistently (and well deserved) receive. So, I'll abstain and simply give you my usual 5 vote! |
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writerwannabe 1 month ago
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“That wasn’t very scary!” My nephew pouted. |
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writerwannabe 1 month ago
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I meant "Muchas Gracias", natürlich....lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 month ago
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A month ago...geesh, time flies. A month ago I was going to mash this and then lost track. I've re-read the whole series, thusfar, and I'm back on track. Great job, here, cheese; but, "defensive vomiting"? Holy Moly....lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 month ago
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Good ideas, but too danged short...lol. Hmmm, and I'm glad you posted first as a draft. Seems that in Foo's chapter, she mentioned the meeting between "the Senator and the Congressman"... |
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writerwannabe 1 month ago
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I'm way late getting back to this. Super job, wsells! I love your Shooter character! |
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writerwannabe 1 month ago
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Muy Gracias, Perro!! I plan to continue regardless of any mash that might occur. I'm particularly happy to see that someone noticed the (slow and sometimes, still invisible)improvement in my writing technique....;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 month ago
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Published Mañana Can Wait - The Story Revisited. I initially published the lyrics to the song and then thought I'd turn into a real story, publishing Mañana Can Wait - The Story. Fabulous comments from nash, HG, PEPPZ and wsells led me to revise...thus, MCW - The Story Revisited. Hey, Dog...thanks for the truly encouraging comments!! |
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writerwannabe 1 month ago
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Great Mash, Morrigana! A little short but the narrative paragraphs joined with the dialogue to create a "full" story feel. Wonderful ending, perfect for another mash. |
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