All Comments by writerwannabe
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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Greetings Ancients! Seems I missed this boat, too; but I'm with beanpole on the next. Now, to read the first two chapters...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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Thanks, Cheese...the feeling is mutual. Great seeing you here again...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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Thanks, JD and great seeing you here (have I already mentioned that?)...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 week ago
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Great seeing you again, here, my friend; and, I see you brought along your superb talent! I also agree with all previous comments...in particular Cheese's comment about the razor wraiths. Long overdue the background for the title, perfectly executed. The Mollies...now there remains much to discover, too! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 5 days ago
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It's really great to see so many of the so-called "ancients" returning, even if it turns out to be only a cameo for some of us...we'll see. |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 6 days ago
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WooHooo! Good to see you here again, JD...;o). Now, let me go and see what brilliance you've brought back! |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 6 days ago
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It's certainly a challenge but you handle it very well. Now that you mention it, I do remember the gorilla character in one of those "intermissions" that I needed help understanding..lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 week, 6 days ago
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Welcome to SM, Pantha35. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks ago
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Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks ago
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Guess who's back and posted chapter 3 to 'The Pledge'. Nope not him...no, not her, either...come on, come on! |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks ago
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Regz - I absolutely FORBID you to ever end this story! Where in the hell did you come up with this 'gorilla' character? LMAO. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks ago
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I have to admit that I had to read 13 again to get back in the groove, but it was...like, instantaneous..lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks ago
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Another 'Ancient' has returned! Welcome, Regz...;o) I noticed you've posted a couple more chapters of Muffin...;o). I love that story and I'm going to read 14 and 15 now! |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks ago
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Wow, Foo! That was...most excellent! Knowing that you shook this out of your sleeve with no more effort than removing a coat, makes it all the more impressive. 5 stars! |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks ago
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Thanks, Norcia...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 1 day ago
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Thanks, Foo! Regarding the POV, you hit exactly what I was thinking. Initially, it seemed exciting and a real curve ball right off the bat (which I dearly love doing); but the more I tried to write it, the more my muse smacked me and yelled, "No, dummy, stick with Gail!" |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 1 day ago
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Chapter Two to crystalfoo's, 'The Pledge.' You can find it here: http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/revomega/ |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 1 day ago
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I changed my mind and didn't, after all, follow Foo's hint to switch to the stranger's POV. You'll notice, too, that I 'chickened out' of describing 'The Pledge'. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 1 day ago
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Good idea, Hobo...I'll definitely give it some thought...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 2 days ago
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“The Private Unitial Research Persons League of Espionage.” |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 2 days ago
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Aside from the typo's that I can no longer correct - I forgot to mention - I don't have these problems at home where I use Firefox or Safari (when my better half lets me use the Apple) LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 2 days ago
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If I recall correctly, a blank screen or missing chapters occured when the viewer used a particular system, i.e., Internet Explorer, Firefox or Safari. I can't remember which caused the blanks, but I'm thinking it was IE. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 2 days ago
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You're very welcome and I want you to know that I DID enjoy the story chapter that I completely read. I also noticed that you had...what, 30 chapters? This must have been something you did awhile back? |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 3 days ago
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Greetings, Stormbird. I just commented on your story "All Aboard". |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 3 days ago
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I read this first chapter and scanned several of the following chapters. I like the premise although I'm not a "hard core" science fiction fan. How about: "That's what our prophets tell us," replied the Admiral. The conviction in his voice stilled my hand. He jumped to his feet and before I knew it, he stood, shaking in anger, directly in front of me. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 3 days ago
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Hey, TBH...another old timer has returned...;o) Tell me, have we all been lurking, waiting for someone to show themselves? lol. Yeah, crystal has a good one up, but you'll have to wait your turn...I'm already on chapter two. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 3 days ago
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I was afraid of that...not really. Now, I can decide - or not...lol. Cool. Turning on the imaginative tap, all systems are go...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 3 days ago
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LOL...okay, you've convinced me. Actually, I'd already convinced myself to give it a go, but had one question about the title, "The Pledge". There's no indication of a pledge in your first chapter, so I think it would help if I knew what you were thinking when you titled it? |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 3 days ago
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Holy Moly, crystal...I would never have thought you could improve your writing skills from their already lofty peak; but, duh-am, this is great writing and what looks like a my-kinda-story tale! Please do one more chapter and I'll jump in..., if I may? ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 3 days ago
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Long time, Baz! Great start here and I've always liked your style. Did you notice crystalfoo is back, too, looking for stories to mash? |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 3 days ago
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Greetings, crystalfoo...great seeing you here again...;o). I agree completely with your posts here and like the idea of "re-generating" mashable storylines. Perhaps I haven't looked hard enough, but I haven't seen much (currently) that would entice me to mash. I suppose we could dig back a year or so and find something...but, would the mashed chapter be mashed by the current crop of active writers here? I'm not confident...;o( |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 4 days ago
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Interesting post, Stormbird. I am one of the ancients and, yep...still kicking; just not on SM very often. In fact, it's been two months since I last paid a visit. |
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writerwannabe 2 weeks, 4 days ago
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Very good, WH. Assume there will be more? Looking forward to reading them...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 months, 1 week ago
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Irgendwie macht es mir sorgen wenn du ueber Selbstmord schreibt...lol...aber das hast sehr gut gemacht. |
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writerwannabe 3 months, 1 week ago
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A very succinct description of today and maybe tomorrow, very well done. Actually, among the best I've seen from you....;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 months, 1 week ago
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LOL...great! I'm beginning to like your characters and the story is unfolding quite well. No time for more, but I'll be back..;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 months, 1 week ago
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Welcome to SM, Stormbird...;o). I'm an old-timer that hasn't been around for awhile; busy with other writing (as you've astutely noticed and commented on elsewhere). But, I do stop in occasionally to see what's going on and check out "new writers". |
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writerwannabe 4 months, 2 weeks ago
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Excellent ending, WBS! You kept the characters true to form and, as Aggie mentioned, kept the random, bizarre tone of the story; and, for me, most importantly...you brought the car back and that last line is absolutely perfect, my friend! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 5 months, 4 weeks ago
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Thanks for reading and the comments, ariaterra. No, I'm not going for the the whole (holy?) grail/Mary Magdalena thing...lol. |
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writerwannabe 5 months, 4 weeks ago
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LOL...no sweat on the "Can Francisco". Excellent chapter and as they say, "the plot thickens." As MaxChallenge wrote...'write faster'...;o) |
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writerwannabe 5 months, 4 weeks ago
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Plot is coming along nicely, as is character development. As I'm sure I mentioned before, I'm not stickler for detail; but a little more of that would greatly help your story. You mentioned, finally, in this chapter about how the girl was getting food... although the part of "taking" small bits of the librarians lunch seems a bit over the top. |
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writerwannabe 5 months, 4 weeks ago
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For me the sign of a very good, well written story is when I can come back to it after several weeks and pick up reading where I left off, without re-reading those chapters I'd already read. This is one of those stories. |
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writerwannabe 5 months, 4 weeks ago
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Greetings and welcome to SM....I for one am eagerly anticipating your first post...;o) |
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writerwannabe 6 months ago
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Welcome back, Hobo and quite a bang, too...;o) |
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writerwannabe 6 months ago
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Welcome to SM, sllim! |
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writerwannabe 6 months, 1 week ago
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Where oh where are you tonight |
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writerwannabe 6 months, 4 weeks ago
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Ahhh...so that wasn't a "wasted chapter"....just pulling your string...lol. |
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writerwannabe 6 months, 4 weeks ago
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Welcome to SM, DND... |
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writerwannabe 6 months, 4 weeks ago
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LMAO...man, I love how you bring things, thought forgotten, back and smack the reader in the face with another crazy couple of paragraphs. Great stuff! |
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writerwannabe 6 months, 4 weeks ago
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Wellll...ummm, not sure what to say. I don't wanted to say "wasted chapter"...no. But...hmmmm. |
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writerwannabe 6 months, 4 weeks ago
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GREAT! Onward...lol |
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writerwannabe 6 months, 4 weeks ago
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Regz, my friend, the twists and turns in your mind know no bounds! Can't stop now...next! |
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writerwannabe 6 months, 4 weeks ago
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Hey, Regz...thanks for the reminder on the forum...:o). |
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writerwannabe 7 months ago
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Sigh...thanks, Katrina. |
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writerwannabe 7 months ago
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rjoyson - I don't know academics03 personally, nor do I have his/her email. You might try contacting: |
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writerwannabe 7 months ago
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sherbo - |
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writerwannabe 7 months ago
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Thank you Astre and Acuariana...I'm very happy you liked what you've read so far...;o) |
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writerwannabe 7 months ago
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Thank you, williegonnawonkya...;o) |
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writerwannabe 7 months ago
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Thanks, William-Beta-AI...;o) |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 1 week ago
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Excellent follow on chapter, TSB. I'm really liking both characters and the story is picking up steam. The next chapter will have wait, though...It's after midnight and i've got an early day tomorrow. |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 1 week ago
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A soul inside a computer...what a premise! I haven't been around here much lately; but, slowly I'm getting around to reading all of your work. This is a beauty. |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 1 week ago
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Great stuff, Baz! I really liked how you plotted this out...using the Stephen Kingish ploy of talking to the reader, mixed with hospital scenes and all of that entwined within a not completely clear, but exciting premise. |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 1 week ago
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Good start...great tension build...the threshold of a church surprising! Muy bueno, amiga mia...;o) |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 1 week ago
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Thanks, Regz! So, you're gonna buy the rest of it? I just dropped the kindle (e-book) price to 99 cents...;o). Can't hardly beat that...lol |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 1 week ago
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LOL...thanks for the ego boost, WBS. Truth is, though, I go to the southeastern part of Majorca (Santanyi)...almost no tourists, a nature reserve with beautiful little beach coves. But, you're absolutely right about the area around Palma! |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 2 weeks ago
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;o)....thanks, jazzfan! |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 2 weeks ago
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You're welcome to send me an email, sherbo... |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Thanks, garbage! I understand what you're saying about emotional connections. In the first instance, there is no emotional connection. In a war zone, soldiers avoid emotional connections like the plague! lol. The connection between bum 1 and bum 2 is only the impact b1 had on Jack's treatment of b2. |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Aw, gee...JD...you're making me blush...;o). |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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LOL..thanks, Regz. There are still some very good writers here, (count yourself among that group). In fact, I am published...I just went a different route to get there. My book is out there and the second one is on its way...;o) |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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In the interest of self-promotion, I decided to "push the bubble" and post the first four chapters of my book here on SM. it's been my writing home for more than three years and I wanted to share the book with my many writer friends...;o) |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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OK...all done here. What, you're wanting more? Well, the way to get the whole story is here: |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Still here? Great! One more coming up...;o) |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Two down...two to go...and if that doesn't generate some sells...wellll, hell...I'll try something else...lol. |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Still reading, I hope. The second part of Chapter Two coming up. |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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If this first chapter has peaked your interest and you want to know more about the book, please visit my website: Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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I thought long before deciding to post a few chapters of my book. What finally turned the trick was...self promotion and the fact that anyone can read samples of the e-book on Amazon.com; and, anyone can use the "search inside the book" option on the paper- back version. The second half of chapter one follows immediately. Thanks for reading...;o) |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Thanks, sherbo! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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HA..HA..HA, WBS! I ain't THAT old...lol. |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Uh...the connection to chapter one? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Welcome to SM, floating! |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Welcome to SM, jdforeman - |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Welcome back to SM, blackwolf! |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Welcome back with a big BANG, Hebe! Great seeing your fine writing again. |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Excellent continuation, AT! You're doing a great job of building the girl's character and giving us hints of what the story's all about...well done. |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Welcome to SM, ariaterra! |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Yeah, TBH...keep writing and describe the slitting your wrists event, I bet it'll be great! LOL. Of course, you'll get big welcome back...;o) |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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LMAO...apparently, I was reading with my eyes closed. I looked again and damn...there there were, big as day! Sorry! |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Thanks, WBS, but I'm not worried anymore about rejection letters. I've gone the self publishing route and I will stick out. |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 3 weeks ago
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Don't feel bad, Light. I know how hard it is to simply find time to write, much less read someone else's work and provide a review of it...no sweat, but I'll sure be happy when you DO get around to it. LOL! |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 4 weeks ago
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Makes sense to me...it's brilliant! |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 4 weeks ago
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Your character work is superb, TSB. Not to mention dialogue, pacing and plotting...lol |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 4 weeks ago
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Muchas gracias, yo comprende! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 4 weeks ago
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Hmmm. I guess my problem is that I didn't see a break in the paragraphs. Maybe some ***** inserted would have helped? |
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writerwannabe 7 months, 4 weeks ago
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LOL...okay, got it...I think. Well, at least I understand the "need for muffins" part! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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What does Muffintermission 1 have to do with the Muffin chapters 1 through 8 and/or Muffintermission 2? |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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LOL...good one! |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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I think I'm insane after reading eight chapters of this brilliant insanity...lol. |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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Did I say that you were seriously insane? yeah? Good. |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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Man, you are seriously insane! LMAO |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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Back on track....lol...excellent chapter - and Trench coat man is back! |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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OK, Regz...ya gotta explain something to me...you wrote: "Yeah," I conceded, "but the guy was dying. I couldn't exactly tell him to hold on while I brainstormed." "If you say so. Anyway what happened next with the girl and the body?" he asked."Well, you're not gonna believe it," I said laughing, "so after falling all over each other when she chased me down, we totally came back to my place and did it. Crazy, right?" Just prior to that first paragraph, our muffin guy was talking to the girl/woman that chased him after he stabbed trench coat man...and then???? |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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Whoeee, what an effing twist to the storyline. Man, I love this, seriously! |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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Welcome back, Regz! Man, it's been a long time since you graced our pages...lol. |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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LOL...I'm available to provide assistance to any SM writer looking to self-publish. It's difficult to get exposure of your book, but I'm convinced that once that happens...it will do extremely well...;o) |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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Welcome to SM, healycc! |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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LOL...great little flash piece, veraelaine. |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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I'm sure you will find the perfect mix. You're already on the right track with the right attitude...;o) |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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Continued excellence, TBS. |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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Excellent second chapter, TSB! Some will (maybe) tell you that there is entirely too much "tell" and not nearly enough "show" in this chapter. I'm not among them...;o). |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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Welcome to SM, NoRhyme55! |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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WBA - I agree, characters can mature and I'm sure yours will...;o). |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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LOL..okay. Hey, it probably isn't even an issue with anyone but me. No worries, I like the story and will read more as time permits. |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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You and me both! I've been here over three years and I still haven't figured out the thongs work. I mean, the black leather ones, okay; but, those lacy, racy red satin thongs are mind boggling...ya know? |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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I thought I could "get past" the verisimilitude issue from Chapter 1, but this chapter made it worse. I spent twenty-one years in the military and worked another 20 with the military. I simply can't get over a 3 star general acting like and talking like a second lieutenant with the sergeant major. |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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Good action, excellent step forward in the plot. |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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Welcome to SM, WBA! |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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Geesh, proofread - me? "exited" should, of course, read - "excited". lol |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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Discovered a new writer! TrumanSBooth Excellent! |
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writerwannabe 8 months ago
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A very warm (and exited) welcome to SM, TSB! |
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writerwannabe 8 months, 2 weeks ago
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Fifty-six chapters is a lot, but when the writing is well done, there's no problem "getting people to read...". The Renaissance story is VERY well done. |
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writerwannabe 8 months, 3 weeks ago
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Yea! I love being an inspiration to someone..;o). |
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writerwannabe 9 months ago
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You know I'm a huge fan of Renaissance, and as much as I want to read every single word, I'd be careful about posting here and then publishing as a novel. I've never really gotten a clear explanation about rights...what you can and can't do with what you post here. I suggest you write Ethan and ask him - point blank...;o). |
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writerwannabe 9 months ago
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WELCOME BACK, DKK! I sincerely hope that you are completely well and more than likely to stay that way...;o). |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 1 week ago
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This was most excellent! Tension, conflict, suspense, backstory...very, very well done, my friend! |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 1 week ago
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Gruesome is not sufficient to describe this, nor is horrific, sickening or abominable. As a story, I LOVE it. In real life, all those words above, and more, apply. |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 2 weeks ago
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It took you almost thirty minutes to change your mind to keep working on the story? LMAO....just funnin' with ya! |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 2 weeks ago
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see what I mean about proofreading...lol. Previous comment should have read; LMAO |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 2 weeks ago
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Yeah, I see where you're going...when you explain it...;o). if I recall correctly, before he was dumped in the trunk, his thoughts were the opposite of his actual reactions. Why not a paragraph that describes him practically losing it in the trunk - screaming, crying, pounding against the trunk, et al, and then his inner voice comes in..."You're such a pussy. Get a hold of yourself! There's a way out, and there's a way to get back at these ****. Knock of the cryin' and THINK!" Then he relaxes, lights himself a cigarette and thinks...lol...' |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 2 weeks ago
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I'lll mention grammar only this once because I've never seen quite this many in a story from you...mostly words left out. In a rush? lol...I know, it happens to me sometimes, too. |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 2 weeks ago
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Almost forgot....story is all important. This is the beginning of what I think could be a great story! |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 2 weeks ago
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Everything before "Day Zero" could / should be deleted...everything after was very well done. I like your voice and use of the vernacular ...it's not over done but not left out, either. Just right in other words. |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 2 weeks ago
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AHHH! That makes sense and now that you've told me...I'm no longer confused. I tell you, there's nothing better than an unconfused mind...lol. Seriously, loved it! |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 2 weeks ago
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Spooky. Well written...I don't know what's going on (that's good). Did Theo kill his son or simply find him dead and bury him? When did he bury him? Who went to Pessano's house and why did he brain the kid? The detective? |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 2 weeks ago
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Naw! I hate 'em, too; but, without extensive proofreading, some of them are going to through. And, like you, if I can get it down and out in less than an hour...I generally trash it...lol. |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 2 weeks ago
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Welcome back, Regz! And what a comeback you've got going, both chapters. Wow. Technically almost perfect writing, excellent pacing, great character build and a story with a huge whale hook out there waiting for us hungry fish! lol |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 2 weeks ago
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Out..effing..standing!!!! |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 2 weeks ago
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Well done! As Light mentioned, your writing is concise and easy to follow the story. I'm a little confused, though, about your wimp character. He allows these three guys to harass him, rob him and throw him in the trunk. He shakes, he cries and his thoughts are consistent with his real emotions; and then...inside the trunk, no apparent way out, he calmly decides it could have been worse and lights a cigarette? Hmmm...not in my understanding of the world and the creatures that walk around in it. It's called verisimilitude...;o). |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 2 weeks ago
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I neglected to add - the eroticism and intuitive sado-masochism were well played...;o) |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 2 weeks ago
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Excellent follow on chapter XX...;o). Dual personality? Fabulous. The Dom side is one bad **** dude, or is that Dominick? Hmmm...lol |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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JD's busy with Easter and family...same here. |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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That's the problem with those games, it makes killing seem easy and fun. It's neither! |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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WBS...when's my deadline on this one...the 22d? I hope so because I can't get it done today...and tomorrow will be touchy...man, I'd hate to lose my first duel here...;o( |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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Well, believe it or don't...I do have some experience with shotguns...;o). Not only that, but I worked it into the next chapter (provisionally, anyway). I've still got 4.5 days and I'm going to need them. I'm going to be very busy over the Easter weekend. |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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Excellent story start, WBS! I liked the tension all the way through. The invention of words and names was very well done. The story was believable (big plus...lol) and the characters well defined for a first chapter...;o) |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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Good job, WBS. |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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LOL...are you trying to lead me, Light? Hmmm, shotguns. I haven't used shotguns in a very long time...;o) |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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I should really slow down when writing comments and then, proofread before hitting the danged 'save' button...lol. |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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I agree, for the most part, with Light (MrLightening). I liked the start..didn't want to leave there and the back story was a bit choppy. But... |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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Welcome to SM, drasn! |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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Nerd? Whut the hell is thet? Hell, whutevah it might be, ain't no cause to be ascairt of it, son. Damnation, stand yersef up and be somebody, fer chrissakes! I knows a bit 'bout "weaslin' and ahm tellin' ya...ya ain't got no need of it! |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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YEEHAW! I hope you heard that ecstatic yell all the way to Down Under, Light. |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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Holy Moly...you're as fast as..er, lightening! Off to read...lol |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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Well, I have no problem changing my vote from 4.5 to 5 then...;o) |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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See what excitement, 10 words per second typing and fat fingers can do? |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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As Roxanne said.."Wow". |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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LOL...don't expect to get rich here (I know you're not). We used to have contests where one could win a hundred per chapter and up to three hundred for an overall win; but, those days are gone (alas). |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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That's great, my friend...KEEP IT UP! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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Yeah! Send me The Park email...;o) |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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5 stars for yourself and 5 stars for your opponent. It's the only way to keep it fair; other reader's will determine the winner with their votes. WBS - doesn't apply to our current, almost done duel because we were already well into it by the time I proposed the honor voting among the contestents...;o) |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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Thanks, WBS! I haven't forgotten you...lol. The next round in our duel will be posted soon, maybe very soon. |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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Thanks, Silence. This is the opening salvo in a duel between MrLightening and me. He's writing chapter two...;o) |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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I'm certain that you are up to the challenge, Light! Thanks...;o) |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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I don't know if I'd abandon The Park. I think it has a lot of potential. When I stop writing something, for whatever reason; I simply put it on the shelf. I might go looking for it someday and there it'll be, just waiting for me to come back with a new muse...;o). |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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Great lesson. Great testimonial, Light. You've been sober now for how long? Congratualtions! |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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Good deal...here's the start chapter...lol. |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 3 weeks ago
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Weekends are notoriously slow on SM. I think most of us simply have too many other things going on. |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 4 weeks ago
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About a week ago, I pimped out a new writer...lol...MrLightening. |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 4 weeks ago
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Fine writing, fine story through four chapters. What becomes of a child that is not abused in the technical sense, not beaten, not sexually abused, but abused all the same? |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 4 weeks ago
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Think I'll vote on each chapter and save comment for chapter 4...;o) |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 4 weeks ago
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LOL...this was hilarious, and you left it open for mashing! |
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writerwannabe 9 months, 4 weeks ago
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A belated welcome to SM, jazzfan! |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Man, you have been sorely missed. Excellently written, carefully worded to match the tone of the initial chapter. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Fabulous, JD! I've often thought of doing a story about those shadows or the flash of movement caught in the corner of the eye. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Thank you, sir or ma'am...:o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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What a hoot! LOL. Great job, WBS! |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Holy Moly, Light...all you young whipper-snappers, full of piss and vinegar make me....ummm, wanna teach ya a thing or three...LMAO. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Grammar and spelling much improved...;o). |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Oh..almost forgot. Another thing to watch is verisimilitude (I know big word..lol). It means, basically, "real, believable". In this chapter a man pulls Dawn through the car door window. That's not real or believable. It's extremely difficult to pull someone through a car window, especially from a sitting position. The person doing the pulling first has to get a very good grip and be extremely strong; the person being pulled invariably has to "help" and I don't think Dawn wanted to be pulled...;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Up front. I'm a story guy. I don't get bent out of shape about grammar or spelling...usually. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM...may I call you SW, your pseudonym is much too long (for me to type)? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Of course! Six chapters. Waiting (rather impatiently) for your chapter four...;o). |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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I did the same thing...;o). Good to see that you occasionally drop in. Most everyone (you know who I mean) has dropped off the radar...hope it's only temporary. I finished my novel recently so I've got time to cruise these streets again. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Uh...well, gee..uh, let me think...hmmmm. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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LOL...thanks, wolfram. I knew you (and nash) were |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Nice add. Well written and you brought in a new aspect for Goo...alien. That's cool! But, woefully short in relation to the original. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Excellent. The introduction of Freddie is perfectly timed and ideal for the plot. Me likey! lol |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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This didn't do much for me. No real story movement, except that it seems Keith isn't going to sit back and wait a year. Could have been the beginning of the next chapter. Not so good as a stand alone chapter, though...sorry. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Possibly the best chapter in this series, so far. Real tension, emotional Keith, really bad Jerry Tokker. The suspense after Keith was told to drive was palpable and a truly genius ending....;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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So, I'm just going to have to get used to this one line format...lol. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Great! I LOVE that story! But, I gotta say...Light and WBS writing a children's tale? Hmmm...this'll be very interesing...lol |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Indeed! Only the duelists are honor bound to vote their opponent a 5 star. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Thanks, mate! Yeah, I think it cool how a story can take off in a direction the original author would never have suspected; or, even better when several mashers jerk it around...lol |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Well, look who's back! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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I think we need to add something in order to clearly delineate a winner. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Are the duels only four chapters long? I thought six. No matter, it's there for you to wrap up...;o). |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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WBS...the clock's ticking for you. I published chapter three this morning (my time)...;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Who's noobie? I can't find him/her anywhere...lol. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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I don't think I understand the rules of this duel thing. I think that WBS and I are in a duel with "Lovably Dead", but I'm in the dark as to how many chapters, how is the winner determined (if at all) or exactly how many days one has to write the next chapter; I read something about 4 days, then a week...(shugging shoulders)...lol. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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OK, WBS...here's chapter three to our duel...way ahead of time...;o). |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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I'll gladly suggest to the SM ownership that you get banned. Write stories or go somewhere else. Thanks. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Not borderline, but the only thing I couldn't find to make it definite was a link to some site somewhere...;o). |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM, "alphabet"...we need to find another name for you, if you're going to stick around and I hope you do...;o). How about "curly" or "CW"? |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Ahem...it was you that challenged me to this duel after reading that first chapter, right? |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Hear, hear, ShadowedPen: I miss the days when the public would have rallied on the steps of congress and demanded change! Passive is too mild to describe...yes, us...these days; apathetic is much more apropos. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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What - it takes an obscure remark in the forums column, about a years old contest, to get these two to comment and demonstrate they're still alive and presumably, kickin'? |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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I like DJ's shortcut name for you better than MrL. "Light" it shall be from now on...;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Awww, gee...JD |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Reference JDs request. These are the personal favorites that she's written: |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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I liked Keith's reactions...calm, thinking through things. I didn't like the outline method you used for expressing his thoughts. I see what you were doing, but...meh...looked and felt odd to me. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Short...but tense. You moved the story along, but I'm not sure this was worthy of a separate chapter. ;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Holy crapola, WBS...where did this come from? Not anywhere close to where I wanted to go. Although, I didn't really have a direction or good idea of where to go after the first chapter; I was really thinking more in the realm of zombies. Hell, I suppose a Haitian magician, re-animated corpse could be called a zombie. No? |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Send me an email WBS...see above for address. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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LOL..Waaaay too much tell and not nearly..nope, no show! |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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I recently joined the ranks of the "indie" authors (those without publisher/agent) and self published my first novel. It's being sold on Amazon and Smashwords as an e-book. Later this summer I plan to get it out in print and sometime between now and then, a German translation. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Perfect! I really enjoy your writing, MrL. You have a great sense of pace and alternating the positive past with the negative present. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Not too critical, at all. In fact, the best critique/comment I received for this one. My goal was to stay true to the initial chapter and test my skill with the really gross/grotesque. Like you, though, I've had my fill...for the most part...lol. Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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This one was hard to write, too...lol. Yes, you would really have to read the earlier chapters; mine was the conclusion. It was part of a Penny Dreadful style project (one of the few that ever got finished here). Thanks for reading and commenting! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Echo JD. This is terrific writing, all the technical pieces in place and the beginning of a great story, to boot. ;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Outstanding...close to profound. Me likey! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Worldforger. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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I'm so glad you asked, MrLightening (do you mind if I shorten your moniker...MrL? Most everyone here refers to me as WWB. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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If you don't give yourself 5 stars, you'll automatically get a 2.9 vote. A lot of folks around here don't care about stars. I do because they almost always (but not always) indicate some of my better chapters/stories. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Well,hey, WBS....I've got cramps in my thumbs from all the twiddling waiting on ya...lol. What's the rules of this duel...4 days? |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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In this case, I'm 'pimping' a new writer rather than one of his stories. joined SM on 8 April and he has already proven to very engaged. Three chapters posted, two of them connected and about 20 comments. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Hmmm. I'm not sure what to say. I mentioned in earlier comment that I didn't pay attention to grammar unless it threw me out of the story. A couple of things, here - did: "month no more later" and "cannot you see". The first time I read each, I thought, no big deal; but, when it was repeated several times...it became bothersome. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Excellent! |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Once again; welcome to SM, MrLightening. |
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writerwannabe 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM, MrLightening. A quick look at your page...you've been very busy since joining the site...;o). Great! We need more writer's like yourself around here. |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 1 week ago
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LOL...thanks, Baz; especially the comment about female characters! I think I got a lot of practice (and female input) while working on the book. Hope it sticks, but I ain't counting on it...lol. |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 1 week ago
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Duel...so let's do it. You're up...;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 1 week ago
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Long after the fact, I finally get around to commenting. I read it months ago...;o). |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 1 week ago
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LMAO....what duel? What are the weapons? I've got a laser that might, just might reach across the Atlantic...;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 1 week ago
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LOL...thanks, JD. It was just a long quickie, but it turned out better than I hoped. Maybe I'll throw another chapter on it, myself...;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 1 week ago
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It's been a long time since I published anything here...an even longer time since anyone has used this forum topic...lol |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 1 week ago
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Well, it's been one year and nine months since I last read and commented on one of your chapters...but, hey, who's counting? |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 1 week ago
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Aside from your usual excellent writing, two things really showed up for me. |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 1 week ago
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Your adaptability is absolutely amazing, Aggie. If I spent several days, weeks even, trying to match Nash's style...it still wouldn't happen. You did it without a hitch. |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 2 weeks ago
Context
I neglected some links: Website for Smashwords: Website for Amazon: |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 2 weeks ago
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Thanks, JD...for everything! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 2 weeks ago
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Thanks, Djinn! Would you drop me an email, please? lexallen@yahoo.com |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 2 weeks ago
Context
Going well. You're still maintaining this unique style but... |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 2 weeks ago
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Welcome to SM, spectre13. |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 2 weeks ago
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Drop me an email, lexallen@yahoo.com, I'll be glad to help you get started...;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 2 weeks ago
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LOL...beautifully written, JD! You're such a word smith...;o) |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 2 weeks ago
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I wear hearing aids and they've been busted since JC was a corporal, but I did feel a resonance in the air; a soft something that nibbled the back of my neck and urged my fingers to type storymash.com into the URL block. |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 2 weeks ago
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My favorite character of yours...the guy with the photographic memory. Hmmm, but this is a "new" guy, right? |
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writerwannabe 10 months, 2 weeks ago
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Ahhh, finally back to SM (as in storymash, Baz)...;o). |
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writerwannabe 11 months ago
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Thanks, WBS! Man, I'm glad it's done..., but it's book one of a trilogy..so it ain't really done and I'm definitely committed to writing the next and the next..lol. |
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writerwannabe 11 months ago
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Ah, Baz, Baz....I've been away awhile and just realized how much I missed ya, man! Great job! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 11 months ago
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Excellent piece of double entendre, rico! Loved how you used the vernacular all the way through, too. |
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writerwannabe 11 months ago
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Sweet! Rico76sgirl took the words right out of my mouth and it wasn't even while she was kissing me...lol. |
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writerwannabe 11 months ago
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I seldom read poetry, but this one "got me"...lol. |
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writerwannabe 11 months ago
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My bad...I meant to write... |
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writerwannabe 11 months ago
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So, what happened between your first story (Blood Lust) and this one? I felt like I was reading two different authors. In one of your posts (Chapter 4, I think it was), I starting reading the first three chapters by a different author. When I read your mash, I laughed aloud, thinking that you had copied the original style on purpose. Not a particularly good style...;o(. |
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writerwannabe 11 months ago
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Good start...but, I really wish you'd triple the length for a starting chapter...;o) |
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writerwannabe 11 months ago
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Welcome to SM, TwistedHorror. I've been on something of a leave of absence and missed you when you first published. |
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writerwannabe 11 months ago
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Dang! I was trying to remember how to put an extra line in and accidentally posted the comment...lol. It has been a long time! |
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writerwannabe 11 months ago
Context
Remember me? It's been about three months since I dropped out of the latest project in order to finish my book and finish it, I did...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year ago
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Welcome to SM, WritingFreak. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 1 month ago
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I'm afraid that I must follow JD for the same reasons. I'd hoped to be able to back into the project with the holiday hiatus, but it's not happening. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 2 months ago
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Exquisitely written, Aggie! Every sentence, every paragraph was perfectly tuned to the next. You moved the plot forward while racheting up the tension another whole crank of the wheel...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 2 months ago
Context
Personally, I would like to have the project put on the back burner until after the first of the year. I'm pretty sure I would be in position to get back into it by then...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 2 months ago
Context
LOL...thanks, Aggie! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 2 months ago
Context
I never thought this day would come, but I feel obligated to drop out of the project. Obligated because I'm over a week late on the last chapter, the next round is due next week and I've a guilty conscience about holding everyone else up. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
Vielen dank, Chefin! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
Sigh! I'm late...again. My excuse? A week long business trip. Okay...lame, but it's all I got. Two days..at least. ;o( |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
lexallen@yahoo.com....;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
Damn!! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
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Welcome back, ShadowedPen! I'll tell that your writing has always impressed me, but this time it was more the subject that caught my attention. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
Baz...you've taken this thing to new heights. I f... up and read chapter one first, but hey, there was zero loss of impact, either way. Like eleven, I really like your voice in everything of yours that I've read. I'm was always a fan...now, even more so! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
Hey, Baz...you know I really liked the first drafts of this and I love this new version. It's so much tighter, polished and has a definitive direction. Great stuff! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
WBS...welcome to you, too! Really glad to see you on this mash. Doesn't matter, really, which you take now, you'll get the other later...lol |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
Wow. Read this and realize, once again, how badly I miss those months when you simply disappear from around here and how much I love it when you come back....;o) |
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| 5 |
writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
Hey, Eleven...welcome, welcome to the mash!! Each storyline is 9 chapters. I am definitely looking forward to your chapters...;o) |
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| 5 |
writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
Great to see the two of you on this mash!!! Welcome aboard, WBS and Eleven...;o) |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
Thanks, Aggie...it wouldn't have been without your prompting! ;o) |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
Yep, I missed the connection with chapter one. I wouldn't have had the jelly in the fridge had been strawberry jam. In that case, my feeble brain would have made the connection..lol. Still, you've got me in the story (that's really what's important, isn't it?) and I'm looking for chapter three!...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
Welcome to SM, meggyheaddy...;o). |
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| 5 |
writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
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Great and Glorious Leaders of the Summer Mash..;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
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Excellent chapter, al! The back story was brilliant and flawlessly executed. |
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| 5 |
writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
I thought I had posted/published the revised Soccer Dad - 5 on Friday. Oooops! Here it is: Soccer Dad - It Wasn't Michael! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
I commented on Ace's chapter about my total surprise at the plot twist, but it was so well done that you have to applaud. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
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Fabulous writing, Ace! |
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| 3 |
writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
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Great back story chapter, TBH! The fact that Heath, in this chapter, is so much different than his character in the first is indicative of how much he's changed over the years. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
I agree that you kept the Heath's character intact but have to say that the first half here was so much like the first chapter in content that it was almost (but, only almost) boring. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
Context
Aggeloi gave me some great advice for Soccer Dad, Chapter 5. If I accept her advice (and I most certainly will), I'm gonna miss the deadline by at least a day. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
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Yeah, al...I counted the danged preceding chapters at least 20 times...it's chapter 5..lol |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
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Thanks, Aggie. *smacking myself in the head*...I agree totally with your idea. I'm smacking myself because I didn't think of it that way. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
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Posted Soccer Dad - 5 in draft. I was going to just publish, but since I put such a humongous twist into the storyline, I figured I better leave it in draft in case there's a really big back lash...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
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I, for one, am very grateful for this post!! Talk about confused! Not any more...;o) Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 3 months ago
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lol..thanks, aggie! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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Confusing...hmmm? Nice leave? Well...since I'm next...uh...yeah. Tense?..definitely. Well written...for sure! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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Where are we? I haven't seen many comments on the latest round. Is everyone done? What's the deadline for the next round? |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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Congratulations! Name? ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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Thanks, nash!! I remember well the first time I was able to knock your socks off - I'm no less grateful for the accolade this time! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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Great job, TBH. I went back and re-read Foo's initial chapter and agree with al - you did a great job matching the tone. I also think you further developed the docs character and his wife quite well. I was a teensy bit confused about Barbara's dream? faint?...not sure what went on there. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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LMAO...welcome back wolfram! Loved this...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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You're so right, shadinah! Fortunately, JD came to the rescue and set me straight (read fixed my goofs) before I published. I hope you'll read again...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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LOL...another excellent piece of work, Aggie. I loved it. I love the storyline and the character but I'm sure dreading my turn on this one. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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Fabulous entry, Aggie...one of those - can't stop reading, unhappy when the chapter ends - kind of reads. Dialogue, story line, characters - all perfectly executed. And the end....genius! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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Wholeheartedly agree with DJ about keeping the precision tone. I wonder why you might have found this storyline daunting...lol...I don't think there could ever be a storyline that you couldn't fit into...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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Hey, hebe...been a long time...lol. Still, I recognized you in this chapter. The character build, intertwined with detail (the show kind of detail) was expertly done. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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Welcome to SM, skylark10! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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Obviously, I had to read the first chapter - first! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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A Modern Horror - 5 is published. This should read: A Modern Horror - 5 by J.D. Renaissance and writerwannabe. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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Excellent addition, nash. I, too, liked how you expanded Donna's character and gave us a visual. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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A Modern Horror - 5 is up in draft. I gotta admit that, for me as a contributor, this is the most daunting of all the story lines. Long chapters, lots of characters, the timelines... |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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This is great, al! Skillet! Definitely a skillet, not a fryin' pan...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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A bit short, but what really matters is that you moved the story forward. I liked how you connected Rose to John White and the bit with the witch was excellent...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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The suspense was Sunday, the 26th? OK..I know that the excuse, "life got in the way" is getting old - can you say ancient? But...well....I need an extension. I can't say how long but..yeah. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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Well said, JD. I agree wholeheartedly and I will hold up my end...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 4 months ago
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Wow, shadinah...you really upped the ante from your last draft to this final...lol. Good thing I wasn't too far along in my chapter! Great job here and as usual a very hard act to follow...but, I'm on it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Hey, shadinah - please publish. I'm starting on my chapter and if you're going to make changes, I need to know...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Welcome to SM! It's not often that the first post from a "newbie" is as good as this one...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Yeah, I'll be glad to help you out, Ace! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Wow! I'm scared mommy, why do I always have to play with the smart girls? Why can't I follow around someone like me? LOL... |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Shine on, JD...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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DAMN! I don't know how that happened but, I can't get rid of the above comment, which is, in fact the chapter!!!! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Robin's Rabbit - 4 is posted. Rose slipped her hand into Robin’s, who automatically took it and gave the girl’s hand a comforting squeeze. Again they glanced at each other and smiled. Rose said, “How much further, do you think?” “To Ribbon Falls? Oh, I think two to three hours, if we can keep up this pace.” She glanced back to see if the rabbit was still with them. He was about a meter behind. He didn’t notice Robin’s look as he was casting looks to each side of the path as he trotted along. Robin couldn’t tell for sure, but the rabbit seemed wary of something. She wanted to know what could be causing his concern. Turning forward, she said, “I think we should take a short break, though. We’ll stop at the next clearing.” She threw another glance at the rabbit, but he seemed not to have heard, so intense was his concentration elsewhere. A clearing appeared to the right of the path and Robin pulled Rose toward the inviting green circle of grass; but, when she turned her attention to the rabbit - he was nowhere to be seen. *********************************************** The watcher moved easily among the heavily wooded forest. His way was not as easy as on the path that the Huntress and her entourage followed, but he was skilled in the ways of the wood and, almost without looking where he was going, had no problem traversing the forest floor, though heavily covered with fallen tree limbs and underbrush growth. His movement was silent and parallel, but slightly behind that of the small group he tracked. His job was to follow the Huntress from Dusk Forest to Ribbon Falls. He was to insure she followed the regular paths and roads and, if she deviated, report to the others who waited at the ambush site. He wondered about the girl. She wasn’t part of the plan. He remembered how the woman had tried to shoot the rabbit. He’d laughed at her inability to hit it with two arrows; and she was called the Huntress, he’d smirked. But then, she’d gone after the rabbit and...he’d seen the plums. He cursed his own lack of self control but, plums were his passion and his bane. He was surprised to find plums in this part of the woods. He’d lived here all his life and never encountered any within a hundred miles of this place. He knew when he started that he wouldn’t stop until the tree was bare of its fruit. He knew, also, that he would have to answer an urgent call of nature shortly afterwards. Somewhere between finding the plums and finishing his search for a toilet; he’d lost track of the Huntress. Sweating bullets, he worried, for almost two hours, that he had lost her completely. He knew the consequences of failure. His Master, Lord Phillip would have him publicly skinned alive, then tied down over a King Ant mound where it would take days for him to be slowly stung and eaten to death by the ants. His relief at finding the Huntress back on the path was beyond description but now he worried about the girl and the rabbit. How would he explain where they’d come from? He hadn’t seen what happened. He hoped his punishment for this lack of intelligence, when he reported to the Master, would not be fatal...or disabling. He shuddered and then tried to push those thoughts from his mind. Suddenly, a figure stepped from behind a tree twenty yards ahead. The appearance was so sudden that the watcher was frozen in place as his eyes took in the sight of the man. Everyone knew John White. John White, the rebel. John White, the thief. John White, the murderer of Lord Phillip’s soldier’s. John White, the... Only a second or two had passed. The legend had appeared, the watcher recognized him and the arrow had passed completely through the watcher’s heart to thickly thud into a tree behind him. The watcher looked at the hole in chest. His last thought was relief. Relief that he would not have to face the wrath of Lord Phillip. He crumpled to the ground and died. ************************************************* Robin eyed the rabbit as it jumped into the clearing. The rabbit stared back. Robin’s keen eyes did not miss the smug satisfaction that had replaced the look of concern on the rabbit’s face before he’d disappeared. “What have you been up to?” She cocked her head and her narrowed eyes bored suspiciously into the rabbit’s own.. The rabbit stood on it’s hind legs and, ignoring her look, motioned with it’s front paws. He seemed to be indicating that they should get going. Robin knew the rabbit had been up to something. She had no idea what that something was, but - yes, he’d definitely been up to something - something he seemed quite pleased about. She also knew she would get nothing out of him right now. She nodded at the rabbit and reached a hand to Rose. The girl pulled her eyes from the rabbit and took Robin’s hand. Rose could not get over the feeling that she knew this rabbit from somewhere; and, that he was not all that he appeared to be. When the rabbit met her eyes, she recognized him...something about him that calmed her. She smiled at him and looked up to the woman who had saved her life. She owed her, she knew; but, she also trusted her implicitly. She was not like the other royals she had come across. She wasn’t haughty. Rose had not missed the fact that Robin had immediately identified her as one of the lower class nor had she missed the quick dismissal of the fact in Robin’s face. Robin turned from the rabbit and headed back toward the path, but he suddenly appeared in front of her. She stopped in her tracks. “What now?” She asked. The rabbit hopped off to his left. “We’ll lose too much time going through these woods, silly rabbit.” He stood on his hind legs and locked his gaze with her. She felt his assurance that he would lead them through. He had, after all, led her to the girl. As strange as he was, as weird as the situation was; Robin was slowly but surely beginning to accept the rabbit as if he were human - as if he were a trusted friend. She sighed and said to Rose, “Well, it looks like our furry friend has grown tired of the path.” Rose smiled and nodded. “I trust him, Huntress.” Startled, Robin spun around to face the girl. “What did you call me?” Robin’s gaze was so intense that Rose was suddenly frightened; not only at Robin’s glare but also the words that had tumbled from her mouth. “I...I’m sorry...I don’t know where that came....came from,” she stammered. The rabbit jumped on Robin’s boot, distracting her attention from Rose and, standing, patted her thighs repeatedly - like a drum roll. The instant Robin shifted her eyes to him, the rabbit jumped off her foot and hopped a few feet away, again in the direction he wanted them to go. Robin’s temper abated. Her brilliant green eyes shifted from the girl to the rabbit and back again several times. Mentally shrugging her shoulders, she resigned herself to the strangeness. At the same time, she promised herself that as soon as they got to Ribbon Falls she would shed these two and concentrate on the contest - the most important event of her life and one that she dared not lose. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Yeah, I thought the switch to the "the Watcher" was too abrupt, couldn't find the words for a transition...lol. I assume you're talking about a space break in the text? That's a great idea...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Posted is a rough draft - about a half to three quarters complete for Robin's Rabbit-4. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Half to three-quarters rough draft. Appreciate comments |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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I'm looking forward to the next chapter...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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WhoHoooo! Way to go, DJ. I will definitely "check it out"...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Fabelhaft! Ditto al and JD and nash; yep, I think you left it in a perfect place. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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I have...it is!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Is this the same story? LOL. Of course, it is and I know it'll become clear somewhere.. somehow...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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I wanted to add: I think it really important for all of the writer's in this mash read and comment on their peers. Case in point (and there are several others): alharris posted a draft of his next chapter about a week ago. With one exception, no one has commented. He posted a draft to solicit comments and make his addition to that storyline better (not that it needs to be better). Please, everyone in the mash, read-comment-post your chapters and reap the rewards..;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Same here, Ace. I recall a beautiful series of stories similar to this, a year or so ago, that was HOT for the first 4 or 5 rounds and then...slowly died off. I'd hate to see that happen again. So, even though I was way late on my last chapter installment; I won't be again! Hope everyone joins me in that mindset...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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I dare say you have the male/female relationship thing down pat...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Fixed it quick! ;o)...reads much better and the whole chapter is excellent! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Man, you nailed this puppy, al! Cranked up the tension and the mystery, ID'd..even without a name, the villain and totally kept the characters - in character; not to mention a perfect leave for the next writer...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Thanks, shad! It's always especially nice to get a thumbs up from the previous chapter's author.. ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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LOL...sho' 'nough...:o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Thanks, al...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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The key, for me, to do the back story came when I read in the previous chapter how Ras rubbed the obsidian stone in the hilt of his sword and the power...an evil blacker than his own.... |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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The key, for me, to do the back story came when I read in the previous chapter how Ras rubbed the obsidian stone in the hilt of his sword and the power...an evil blacker than his own.... |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Thanks, dkk! I thought of doing that and decided not to because...well, just because...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Intriguing story start.... The voice and pace are perfect. I like it...;0) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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;o) thanks, again, JD! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Like al, I really liked how the rabbit led Robin to the proper CPR procedure! I almost missed it, but only for a second...;o). In fact, I like how you've built on the rabbit - both the talent he has and the mystery behind him. I hope that I can build on that even more. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Sorry for the late arrival, dkk. I'm so behind on everything here and elsewhere...lol. Also, I knew I was going to be adding a chapter and I have to read the whole series before I do. So, now I am up for chapter four on this storyline and we're off...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Thanks, JD...;o). Had I not hit the publish button when I did, I would certainly go back and change the beginning to give the reader a little more lead into the back story. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Fabulous! Perfect interplay among the characters, very visual. I don't know what you could add or remove from this chapter but, if you do, I'll add comment. Otherwise, I like this and, for my money - post it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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This I have no problem commenting on...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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I read this awhile back but didn't comment because I couldn't find the words I wanted. I didn't want to be negative and I didn't want you to think that I didn't enjoy the story. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Great addition, Ace! I totally agree with DJ about favorite lines: "He had Christ beat by four decades" in particular and the reference to dad's anger as "releasing" was brilliant. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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I've finally posted my next chapter "Jewel Guardians - 3". It's located here: |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 5 months ago
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Even though I'm almost two weeks late, I intended putting this up as a draft for a couple of days to garner whatever comments might be forthcoming. I'm happy with the product, but not sure it even fits into the story properly, being entirely back story. Well, for better or worse, I inadvertently hit the publish button - and here it is! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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I agree with al's comments and add - welcome, very welcome to SM. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to get to your other postings, but if this is any indication, they will be very good and I'll hurry...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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I didn't pay the slightest attention to the timeline and I certainly didn't catch the punctuation errors. What I read was the story and, my god, JD; you took Aggeloi's fabulously well written, plotted and characterized story start and made it brilliant! This could (and probably should) be continued into a novella or perhaps a full novel. It has so much more potential than "just" a story. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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It's Tuesday, 2235 Central European Time and I'm only half way done with my next chapter. I guess I'm the last, huh? |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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Muchas gracias, Senora's y senorita's bonita! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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I thought that I would be able to get some writing done while on vacation...nope. I figured I'd get it down this week after vacation, regardless of the jet lag that always kicks my butt...nope. So, now it's Thursday afternoon and tomorrow is the deadline. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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A female serial killer...very unusual..;o). More unusual than a gruesome killing in the small town of Rustic, I betcha! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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YES! The added tension with the phone, more cops in the chase, longer version...muy excellente! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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LOL...amazing!!! What is it, one or two years in the works and you still came back and posted a new chapter. That's determination! That's Irish!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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It's not SM sponsored. I think alharris mentioned doing something, JD picked up on it, Aggeloi kicked a boost and then...everyone else piled on...lol. Hell, even Nash came out of his lurking mode!! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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I think it's a bit too short, JD. You certainly kept the tension up. Introducing the cop is a great idea and increases the speed of the story. I like the paragraph about quality time, men crying and three year old head butts. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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Wow, DJ...I mean..WOW! You kept the tension high, all of the characters - in character; and finally, after leading me to believe you weren't going to deliver...you gave us the words on the towel...;o) Exquisite! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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Hey, dog....every time you're gone for more than a week or three, you come back and knock my socks off...lol. Yeah. a tad long, especially for a character sketch!! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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I wanted to add: I know these are early chapters and there's six or seven more to come and you can't floor board the danged thing, all the time. Reconsidering, based upon fuel economy..;o)...this probably was the right mix of detail and forward movement in the storyline. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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Looks good to me, too, Aggie. JD beat me to the Florida/Toronto flap....lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 6 months ago
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Agree with al. Let's not get too far ahead, though, al....he's still got close to six minutes before the brew is done and then...eating it. That's at least one, maybe two more chapters...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Donna turned out to be quite a surprise, al, and I loved how you first continued, and then gave a little twist to Jerry's character. So, now we have a dominant porno store owner, submissive Jerry, bad **** Gel and an ex-hubby shooting the place up! If that ain't kick **** creative writing, I don't know what it!!! LOL. Loved it, my friend. I don't think you "missed" anything! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Thank you, dkk...;o). Maybe Djinn will let us all know what was on the towel....and, then again...maybe not...lol |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Thanks, JD. Following a woman writing POV of a woman is pretty danged hard for me...and, too, the woman I'm following is shadinah!!!! lol...need I say more? |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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LOL...or not! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Happy SM birthday! You're coming into this world has enriched us all. Hope to celebrate many more birthdays with you here! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Welcome to SM! Great debut. I think you did a good job of developing the characters, in particular Rosland. You get two stars for the setting - Round Rock, Texas...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Great mash, Ace! In particular, I think you kept the voice consistent and moved the story forward quite well. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Slept on it...decided posting something as a draft was out of character for me...lol. Although alharris was really quick and helped with a grammar issue, time's up. Posting in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....done! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Thanks, al! You're right about me and grammar/typos..lol. But, I DO like to have them pointed out when I have an opportunity to fix them. I'll do that, now. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Excellent start, shad! Waking to a dog licking her face and then confronting her strange new world. Nice. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Posted "Dirty Laundry - 2" as a draft. I know that weekends are slow here, but as I'll be flying Monday morning, I want to publish Sunday night (that's mid to late afternoon for most of you)..;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Damn, you're efficient!! Sure makes it easy on us lazybone types...thanks!! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Yeah...my oldest son recently wrote about a couple of sites that advertise making money "examiner.com" and "suite101.com"...I told him that if he wanted to make money...none of these are worth the effort; but, if he wanted to practice writing, meet some great writer's, get excellent constructive criticism and have fun...this is the place! Maybe we'll see him on here one day, soon. My youngest is quite the poet and has posted several here.."writinghobo" or maybe it's "writerhobo"...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Certainly, no offense intended TBH. I'm just old and feeble minded at times...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Wow! How the heck did I miss this when you initially posted? Damn this is good, dkk, really good! Beautiful character build. No let up in the action. Enough descriptive for the reader to see the world, but not so much as to drag the story down. Awesome. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Ace, sorry for the late response to your worries (no excuse) but, glad to see you're holding up and back in the show...;o). Looking forward to your usual great writing! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Wierd? LOL...what's wierder than what you're about to do? No, not wierd, but definitely out of the box and something not many in this world are able to do or take advantage of. Fantastic! Have a great time and take enough risks to have fun but not get hurt...;o). We'll all be here when you get back! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Thanks, DJ. I've read and commented on your chapter - great writing! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Fantastic, DJ! Short, but sweet, you got everything that needed to be there...in there...and several more little gems. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Another one of those, "where in the heck was I when you first published this!". I'm really glad that JD decided to mash for the new project, otherwise I might never have found it. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Attention Please: I made some adjustments and republished "Jerry's Adventure", the story start that Djinn was drafted to mash. The new link is here: http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/patutube/ |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Small changes that made a world of difference, al. Great job. For my stack of dead presidents - publish it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Alles klar, mein Freund. Man, I should have caught the OJ comment...lol. I'll withdraw my concern, but it's up to you about leaving it in..of course..;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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I think you've done a good job here, al; but, I'm glad you haven't published yet so that I can get my two cents in, in the event you will take my constructive criticism to heart...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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To paraphrase a famous SM author and friend, "I don't how I missed this when you first posted it!" |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Normal life with a twist...gotta love it! You did a fantastic job of building these characters in a relatively short piece. You were genius at building in Mark's langauge problems and associating them with the background scenes...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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PenPaperPassion - this is a repost of an earlier posting by shadinah. It was reposted as part of a new project that several of us have started here..see the Forum - Miscellaneous entry title, "Let's shake things up" for more info and you can also figure out how to follow the stories as they progress...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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New guy/gal on the block...excellent writer! PenPaperPassion. The story start chapter is here: http://storymash.com/u/PenPaperPassion/padorumu/ |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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You have totally captured my attention and praise for excellent writing...;o). I hope you're own the proverbial roll with this because I can't wait for the next chapter! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Welcome to SM! Wow, this is quite a start to your "future" here...;o). I'll echo JD's comments and add that I loved it. Looking forward to more! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Thanks, Shad! You were right...three chapters into one works great. Before I mash: |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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No change to my comment, but now that you've posted, I've voted - 5 stars...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Before I forget...I'll be mashing shadinah's "Dirty Laundry" at: |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Cool deal, shad..thanks! I'm on like stink on sh...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Nash's famous dry wit was perfect for the first chapter, not for this one; so, the your lack of it was immaterial..;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Wow, nash! Reading this reminded of how damned good you are and how much I've missed reading your work here. This was so vivid, so well crafted that I'm speechless, can't find enough superlatives. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Thanks, DJ! I know you'll kick ****...and do poor Jerry good...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Oh, Cool! I can't wait to see what you do with that...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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I have a similar dilemma with shadinah...not personally and not under the definition of "a choice between equally undesirable alternatives" no, no...lol. Lots of great chapters but all but one are in context of a contest or project, or otherwise mashed by another writer. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Thanks, DJ...;o). I'm really curious what you will pick! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Shadinah...could you please drop me an email? lexallen@yahoo.com. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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I remember October Chill quite well...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Wow, JD...you took the words right out of mouth (can you hear Meatloaf?) lol !! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Yea, verily...dreams count, as do fertile imaginations, remembering grandpa's war stories, reading a war novel, fantasy novel or sci-fi novel, or interviewing a vet (not the necessarily the doctor kind)...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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ACE! Hitting for six! Great to see you back here and joining our new game, even if poor al still thinks you're a he...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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JD, I'm almost speechless...but, only almost. This is doubtlessly among the very best I've ever read here on SM...or, anywhere else, now that I think about it. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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I like the hat drawing idea. No, not particular about even numbers...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Is it really you, Nash? Gosh...and I thought you'd gone off and become a legend, never more to be actually heard from...LOL. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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I liked this one, HC. Still some missing words and some clunky sentences; but, not as many as the other story I read. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Agreed. For this though, with shadinah, we have seven. I think we need an even number, so one more or three more. Personally, I'm getting antsy to start...;o). Waiting on JD to wave the green flag. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Way, Yay! LOL....Great to have you shad...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Thanks, JD...;o) We're six at the moment. Do we want to cap the number? I think more than 8 or 10 would become unwieldly. Perhaps an invite to some of the great writer's we haven't seen for awhile. Off the cuff - nash, honey, dogdeity11, Ace, crystalfoo and shadinah come to mind for me? |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Sorry, one more question. Do we all work on one story at a time, or all simultaneously? Simultaneously would be great because we wouldn't have the long lag that often occurred in previous projects, but it could get a little confusing, too! lol |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Oh..I think I had an epiphany in regard to rule #2. If I choose to mash a JD story, she can't turn around and choose one of mine? Right? |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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If ya'll have me...I'm in. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Thanks, al! I think you're right about that last line. If I could, I'd go back and take it out. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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No, ma'am, it wouldn't.;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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LMAO....it's a she and yep, she's makin' a killin'...by now I've got her seeing a therapist..;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Hey, dkk...missed ya around here and not just your compliments....lol. Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Fantastic! The details, the mix of show and tell, the build up to the conclusion of the chapter were excellently written. I think you gave away the conclusion a little too early. It was obvious to me, when you introduced the bookie, that our hero was going to take a fall. You saved it, though, by presenting a very interesting twist with the death threats...beautiful! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Great continuation! Although this story, thus far, has been all tell and no show; you've kept me interested and intrigued...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Excellent descriptive narrative and the lead up to the closing paragraph was sublime...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Very glad you like it, CS. You gonna come back with an addition? Please? ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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LOL...thanks, theSleepingTeabag and welcome to SM. I look forward to reading your work here. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Thanks, DJ...very much..;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Thanks, Justhoff! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 7 months ago
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Welcome to SM...;o) Although I agree with TBH. "I feel as if you have a vast imagination..." and JD, "excellently written"; I didn't get enough to be completely pulled into the story. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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BTW - I've posted chapter six to your Once Bitten, Must Die story...hope you like and really hope you get back in to the mash! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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LOL..thanks, CS. Good possibility that the baby could grow up and seek revenge, but that would be for someone else to do...I'm done with this one..;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Thanks, JD..;o). I thought I'd killed off all those pesky little passive sentences...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Neat little story, MNS...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Just published chapter 2 of my own, After Murder and chapter 6 to creativesoul's Once Bitten, Must Die. I'm having a ball...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Karonher and to the vampire mash...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Apologies for the long delay in voting and commenting; and, thanks for commenting on my latest which jarred my old brain into looking back to see if you had anything new...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Thanks, CS...;o). I hope you'll read the second chapter and let me know what you think. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Talk about hitting the SM trail with a wham, bam, thankyou, Ma'am...LOL. This was fantastic, JD! I'm glad I decided to "waste some time" reading the first stories of my favorites writer's here...;o). Turns out not to have been a waste of time, at all! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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:o)...make that a BIG SMILE. Thanks, al! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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LOL...you are definitely an "outside of the box" kind of thinker, DLM...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Again....loved this...hope to see more soon! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Great how you've broken this draft, super long chapter into easy to absorb pieces. I've already made comments on the draft...but, now I can go through and vote on 'em....;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Welcome to SM, MNS! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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LOL...thanks, DJ...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Thanks, MNS! Seems I've been remiss in reading your posts and welcoming you to SM. I'll do so...soon! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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LOL...thanks, Hadley! Yup, criminal, perverted and I'm thinking there's more to come...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Oh, no!! LOL....so, sorry, Lady...*blush* |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Didja hear my Yeehaw? LOL |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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I wasn't niggling about whether it was true or not; it doesn't matter...it's a great story. I was merely curious...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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I'm assuming the part about the evacuation and leaving certain personnel behind is true. I don't know. MacArthur was not among those generals that I wanted to learn much about. If true...what a sad story. Admittedly, I find it hard to believe, but...can't say. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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I was so excited to be reading your entry that I also became majorly pissed when, after the first paragraph, I had to go and find my reading glasses and THEN, had to find a magnifying glass....lol!!! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Fabulous, al...don't change a thing and get to work on Richmond! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Reminiscent of your "Photographs, Pals and Potatoes" and "Cleaning Up After the Dog" which I dearly loved, this is fabulous writing, al. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Thanks, DJ...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Muchas gracias, al. I hope to see some of your mashing. Lately, you've been in the poetry groove...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Thanks, for the heads up, dkk. I read the mash Amythest-Eyes did and it's GREAT! ;o). I've never been mashed in the real world...am I missing something? lol |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Hey A-E...WWB most definitely approves....LOL. I was beginning to think you'd taken another leave of absence. Very happy to see that's not the case..;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Thanks, dkk...;o)....nope, doesn't bother me at all that everyone shortens my name...nary a bit...lol |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Hey, CS...great chapter! The arrival of the sheriff, the post delivery, the slamming around in the house...all, very well done...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Go to google.com and if you don't already have a google log-in, get one. When you sign in to google you'll be able to see options. One of these is - "more" with a down arrow. Click that and you'll see a list of links. Click on documents and there you are. It works very similarly to Word. Another advantage is that you can write anywhere you can connect to the internet. I write a lot, in a lot of different places and I can always save a story and when away from my home computer, log on elsewhere (like my office or laptop) and continue writing the story without transferring word documents around. It was a life saver for me while writing my novel...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Thanks, CS! Hope you don't mind the shortened name, feel free to call me WWB - most everyone else does...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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I liked your story start so much...I mashed it...;o). Hope you like! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Posted Chapter 2 to creativesoul's "Once Bitten, Must Die"...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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I'm sorry it's taking so long, too, dkk...really, really sorry!! LOL...just funnin' wid ya! But hurry the heck up, would ya? |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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I gotta tell you, creative...this was CREATIVE! This is one of the best, most unique vampire stories I've ever read! ;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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HEY! The story is visible and no gooble-d-gook! Hope you haven't written to Katrina, yet...;o) I'm off to read it. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Not to worry. It happens. I assume you write in Word and then copy/paste? I used to do that, but had trouble with formatting on occasion and always had difficulty with character count. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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I like this, CJ...a hero gone bad...yes! Your admitted "rust" was showing a bit in the first couple of paragraphs and then...it took off quick and intense. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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LOL...here's one I could understand! Good job, al! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Write to Katrina@storymash.com...she can have the administrators delete it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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I can't see anything but a bunch of goble-d-gook....;o(. Could be a formatting error or the old Internet Explorer issue. Some stories here, for whatever reason won't display with IE. Here, I see something, but it's unreadable, so probably not the IE thing. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Welcome to SM, creativesoul! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Thanks, dkk..;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Thanks, creativesoul and welcome to SM...;o). I skimmed over your intro story yesterday, but didn't have time to comment. I'll do so soon! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Thankee Sai, JD!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Posted chapter 4 to 'Notes from a Shifter'. I sure hope dkk and cj will be proud of it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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This is really taking off, cdn. I agree wholeheartedly with JD. One phrase caught me, though, "blind faith". I don't think the religious would refer to faith that way. In fact, the non-religious would use that term in a demeaning manner...blind being a derogatory adjective to faith. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Well...9 months after the fact...still, I got here...;o). Your recent return to SM brought me looking. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 8 months ago
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Hey, CJ...mashing is what this site is all about. I've visited, but never joined, a number of writing sites for various reason's; but, primarily, because none of them offered the challenge that SM does. Mashing is, for me, the very best writing exercise tool one could ask for...:o). On my page you can see that I've posted over 140 chapters...the large majority of those are mashes. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Great job, CJ!! Really glad that you joined this mash...;o). Really great job, CJ!! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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WWB is a happy puppy....;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Clever that little "rusty" bit, but that dog won't hunt around here, CJ...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Wow! Thanks, CJ! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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That'll work just fine, Lady...just fine...;o) Thank you! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Thanks, CJ..;o). I always try to put the unexpected in my stories / chapters. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes not; but, it's always my primary goal. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Well, HEY! Look who's back....;o). Thanks, Cdn, where you been? |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Thanks, dkk. Awww hell, I thought that left out word would sneak through without detection! lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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LOL..thanks, al! "Law & Orderesque"? Cool. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Had some time and couldn't resist the pull of dkk's "Notes from a Shifter" story. Posted chapter 2 and you cjould consider this an open invitation to read...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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So, I had about an hour "down time" and thought I'd do something positive with it...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Jeez-Loueez - Where are my adoring fans? Where are the advocates of completing a story on SM? LMAO. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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When writing in this genre, being called a "sick ****" is quite a compliment!! Thanks, TBH!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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How in the hell did I miss this, these past four months!!! This was fantastic, al...I mean the only 5 star vote I've given in a very long time! You had me on the verge of tears, my friend. Fabulous!! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Me, too!! lol |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Good job, here, Hadley. I'm glad I started reading some of your stuff...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Greetings, Hadley! I wrote a comment to an alharris poem and you asked me which poem I liked. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Dang...why didn't I catch that!!! LOL...thanks, al! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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JD...I wanted to take you up on an offer you made awhile back, reference my novel. I don't have your email. Mine is lexallen@yahoo.com, if you don't want to post yours here...;o). Hope to hear from you soon. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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I kinda started not reading poetry anymore, except writinghobo's (and those only because he's my son). I simply don't understand most of them (his either, but I can get a quick explanation). I was looking for a new story from you and caught your reply to Hadley 306. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Published Chapter 3 and the conclusion to "The Adventures of Lil' **** and Me, Doctor Michael Gavin". |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Verisimilitude. My favorite word...lol. You demonstrated it well in this chapter (hell, in all the chapters). Next! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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It just occurred to me that there were a couple of movies that this story reminds me of; not the story, really, but the style. Can't remember the names of the movies, though...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Damn! How the heck did I miss this? Well, I've found it, now and it's katy bar the door! lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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My ego swells! Thank you, CJ! Loved the comment about your little girl and boogers...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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One of the things I've always admired about Texas women...no boogers and no farts! Well, except for this one time when....no, I won't bore you with those particular details...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Published Chapter 2 to "The Adventures of Lil' **** and Me, Doctor Michael Gavin". |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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I liked this one, a lot, Vix! I agree with alharris in that the metaphors were cleverly worded to "show" what was going on. I'm off to read chapter two...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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LOL...loved this clevgrl! Excellent narrator voice and innuendo...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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I noticed the "rust" in the beginning, but you quickly brought back the shine. Nice start on this story, CJ, especially the unexpected twist at the end. Looking forward to the next chapter...does she know the guy? Does she take his advice? Well done! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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LOL....no, no...I wasn't offended; I'm just a firm believer in writing reality. If a character uses a certain language, the writer should write it and not worry about accommodating reader sensibilities. No offense intended....;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Jaz! Looking forward to your first posting...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Thanks, JD and dkk! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Great to see you posting again, JD...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Mind? Hey, I stole her from you, guess you can steal her back...lol. Yeah, I was reading over that non-posted mash I did on your story and thought that it would be a waste not to do something with it. Probably should have asked you first, but I only "stole" that fabulous name...;o). You wanna "steal" the succubus....have at it!! PS...I'd love to see where you've gone with that story, too...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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*Hands up, palms forward* No pressure here, darlin'...just curious....lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Thanks, al....so, you didn't like the story? lol |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Oh, and while I have your attention: How ya coming in that search for the Chalice? ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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You brightened my day, this morning, dkk! I love the premise here. I thought several sentences especially good, like - "The doctors had rambled on about seizures and whatnot, but I knew what happened to me was not ‘whatnot’"..;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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I liked this, but I didn't love it. I think there was too much "tell" and not nearly enough (almost none) "show". You told us how Susan jumped a little when the bunny hit her clit - what was his reaction? Wouldn't they have laughed, exchanged some words? I have a hard time reading stories (anything, actually) that has no dialogue; nothing that gives me a sense of being there. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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I noticed that you were around here on SM a few years ago and have now returned...so: Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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LOL...everyone was "a bit new" sometime. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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I like how you're slowing, but surely, introducing the narrator's world and situation. Still, it lacks drive and "show". I know..I'm beginning to harp on the "show" thing..but, it's very important, especially in a short story. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM, sniget! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Cool. Thanks, Katrina! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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LOL...I think you're explanation confused me more! Naw...regardless I love both stories...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Great stuff, Baz! I gotta tell you, though, I can't quite see the connection between Slick Dick (here) and Nick, Charlie and Spunk in American Freak 1 & 2. Likely (very), that you've done that on purpose and somewhere down the line, Dick will meet up with Nick, Charlie or Spunk...or all three. But, shouldn't the prologue include something about them? I don't know. The chapters are relatively far apart...posting time-wise, so it's hard to tell; although, I went back and re-read before commenting. I mean..maybe... just maybe you got confused on the names? Nawwww. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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If you can't afford proper advertising, you're not much of a law firm. You probably think you're being cute, phenomenally original or believe the members here to be...what - stupid? |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Jury! (Yep, I read your intro note. Jury...very interesting and unusual name.) About your first posting: |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Stuff that is well written, profound and true...that's where you come from 11. Great, great work here...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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LOL...so, have you also been stayin' on her butt about the Around The World project? *crossing fingers*... |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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LOL...I liked "everything in my end" I read your mind and knew what you meant. I really liked "set-up down" too! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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Hey, thanks, LadyLuck!! Didn't think I'd get anymore comments on this one...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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AN OUTLINE!! OMG!!! LOL |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 9 months ago
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;o)...thanks for the great comments, dkk! You didn't know that I have 27.5% interest in Walgrens, I guess...huh? I'll keep writing the stuff that makes ya need sleeping pills...you keep gettin' 'em at WG, deal? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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I've decided to stop calling you "dog". I like honey's "11" so much better and not only because it was my son's soccer number for most of his life in the game. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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OK...I've changed my mind. It's okay to hate Ray more than Dennis and while we're at it, I'm gonna throw a little hate Anthony's way, too!! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Yes, honey, it is...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Well...duh! Of course, its not a winning ticket...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Climbing out of my self imposed hole of ignorant bliss, I found this story a month late! Well.... |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM, shadylane! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Hey, Baz..thanks for reading and the comments. A term I read here sometime back..."stream of consciousness" influenced this little burst of words. Totally off the top of my head, I often think of a phrase of expression and then extrapolate that into some really nasty things (like this or gory, grotesque, etc) and try to imagine what it would be like to actually see or live it...then, push it a teensy bit further. In this case, the phrase was "wild hair up his ****." |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM, ike! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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LOL!! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Damn! I went back to find out why you commented on Mutt being back in the game. How did I miss his getting arrested? Well, I guess I can cop a plea that his "arrest" was somewhat ambiguous? No? Well, hmmmm....hopefully, the talented writer's that follow can fix it....;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Thanks, WBS...;o)! Maybe the assassin's not a woman?!? lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Definitely endings. I've changed the last couple of chapters at least five times in the past three weeks. Some of those changes were radical, requiring me to go way back through several previous chapters to make sure the ends tied up. And that...all five times. Remember about a year ago, nash, we were going to go about putting endings on a bunch of stories? I know you closed out a couple, but I think I only did one and then....eh, lost interest. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Thanks, JD. Maybe if I weren't such a liberal. I allow the story and characters to change the ending. They're bitchin' and moanin' and arguin' and it's costing me...ya know? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Thanks, Aggie! This one was really hard for me to get my head around...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Thanks, TBH...;o). Not sure if or how much I'll continue on this, but if I put more up...it'll turn out screwy...lol...that's a given, huh? |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Wow, E_M...I know there's a name for this kind of writing, but damned if I can remember. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Nope, not done with the novel but, I've hit a "block". Dang, only a handful of chapters from the finish line. You'd think that seeing light at the end of the tunnel would be impetus enough..but, you'd be thinking wrong...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Project Around the World...chapter 6: After WBS' top ten reasons for my getting back into the project and djinndarme's request of same - I posted it. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Published Chapter 6 "Camp Victory? - For Whom?" to the Around the World project. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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It's up. I hope I've hit the proberbial nail on the head...but, I ain't confident. This was a hard one for me. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Wow! I haven't read your stuff for awhile and damn, I've been missing out...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM, mallory! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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I didn't see the meteor coming either and unfortunately, broke up the consistency of the story. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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I can't tag on to DJ's comment that this is "incredibly well-written", too many grammatical errors to warrant that praise. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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LOL...no, you didn't. Actually, I was practicing a bit of self deprecation in that I freely admit to being "dumb" when it comes comprehending most poetry..;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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See you already lost me with talk about characters and lines and the title. Then you kicked it off with "Inky flakes bubble. Bloody witches. Red fires deposit broken wheat" and I went into convulsions... bad, bad girl, DJ....lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM, mcg! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Dan Brown?!? Geesh, mcg...DB is a hack compared to our own djinndarme! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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I dig the details, but sorely miss the "show". Still, you've completely hooked me into this tale and I'm eagerly waiting for the next chapter...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Necessary descriptive narrative...I know...I know...it's necessary, but...;o(. Hopefully, the action will pick up again in the next chapter. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Really, really great, red! I especially liked your calling in Red Adair...;o). I've been a big fan of his since my uncle introduced me to him long ago and far away in Texas. I've a tiny problem with verisimilitude, because Red was 75 when he extinguished the fires in Kuwait in 1991. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Necessary details, certainly but, eh...I could've done without this chapter. All it did was tell us the cavern is "muy" humongous...which we already knew. Still...I'm very in with this story and off to read the next chapter...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Another home run!! Great stuff...off to the next chapter! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Excellent follow-up chapter, red! Very visual, excellent dialogue and lots and lots of reality! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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The real beauty of this storyline, Aggie, is that I don't have to go back and re-read anything before starting on a new chapter, regardless of how long I've been away...or, you're slowness has intervened...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Sorry, it took me so long to get to this one, WBS. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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LOL...naw, I was just jibbin' ya a bit |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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You might want to hold off on the "Woohooo", RG; at least until we see how badly I screw the pooch on this one...it's major complicated (for me, anyway)...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Dang, DJ, if I'd have known that...I'd have agreed much earlier, without all the "arm twisting"...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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I was in the game...then out and now, WBS embarrased me with some much praise and faux begging that I'm in again. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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"Flattery will get you nowhere" is the standard line, I think. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Mother...;o). This is a very good first story, here. I liked the narrator's voice and tone, the wordsmithing and above all the premise. I'm all about story and this has the makings of a very good one....;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Belated welcome to SM, N-D. This is a very well done piece. I like the premise and your style. Looking for more...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Very good second chapter, N-D. I really liked how well you followed the pace and structure of TBH's kick-off piece, especially using his words and then, amplifying them with different meaning. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Too many great sentences, word play and descriptive excellence to mention...;o). It's always a pleasure to read your work, TBH! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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You asked to let you know what "I" thought. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Maybe I'm missing something? As is, this is one star, "really awful". Sorry. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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I'm sorry, veraelaine, but there's not much good I can say about this second chapter, except that I think you're a very good, technical writer. Good grammar, spelling, etc. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Vera...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Not sure 1st person would work here. Not sure there's room for a following chapter unless it would be something wildly fantastic..lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM, redshift...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Good thing you found these...lol. You really need to pay more attention to spelling... |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Tension in all CAPS! Excellent follow on chapter, Baz! I had a teensy problem with the continual "we'll be okay" dialogue, but nothing serious. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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You can use whatever language you want. Readers have the capability to *** out standard profanity and sexually explicit words. Thing is...unless your character is totally defined by foul language...you should limit the profanity. In this Army story, I think it has a place and should be used. Every story has to have reality, no matter how fantastic and out in left field the premise is...it has to read like it's all true stuff...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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PS: Did you notice that I also never mention proofreading before posting? That's because I can't even do it when posting a comment!!!! "If you're going TO write so that reader's ARE sitting in the vehicle with you AND CAN feel the reality...make it real!" |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Make that "One Day in a Life"..ahem...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Good work and add on to "Cowboy's...". I liked the idea of switching from past to present and back, but thought the transition a little bit abrupt. Perhaps a sentence at the end of the paragraph preceeding the transition would have made it easier. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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You might be wondering how I'm able to read and comment, one of your stories after the other, so quickly....then, again, maybe not. It's because I read them all before I started commenting...lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Another excellent piece, ARNG...;o). You're very good with dialogue and this was exceptionally well done...very natural, very real. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Really well done. It's hard to write a complete chapter using 80% dialogue, but you made it look easy! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 10 months ago
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Fabulous writing, Baz! I was sooo into the hunting story and the great characters that I absolutely didn't see your bizarre plot twist coming! That, my friend, is writing par excellence! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Yessum! Loved it...lol |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Once again, Blondie snared my attention and grabbing her hand, I said, "My name is LUTSCHENKOPF...that translates to SUCKERHEAD; surely there's some significance..." |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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I crossed my fingers behind my back, squatted as if taking a dump, closed my eyes and began with the monkey-like grunt, "ooh -ooh ooh - ooh uh ooh..." |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Papa waved away my remark and said, "Shush, boy, you're distracting me from the bad news I have to tell you!" |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Excellent writing, yur1! You did a fantastic job of building tension..releasing it when he realized the rustling noise was his jacket...and then brought that tension back with the cliff hanger ending! Really well done. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Ruf, ruf..BARK, YIP YIP, BARKBARKBARK!!! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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I think you were a lot successful, cj. Through your words I was clearly able to visualize the remnants and how they operate. I especially liked the reference to children being able to see them before their parents "taught" them not to. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Papa sniffed, looked down at my soaked pants and said, "Looks like I failed in your education, son; that ain't the way water sports is played." |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Damn! Scratch this one. I started writing it, got interrupted...danged colleagues...came back and hit "save" without realizing that RG had posted! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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I yelled, "PAPA" and lunged forward, grabbing him in a bear hug while his big, strong hands grabbed hold of my **** and pulled me...bone to bone, so to speak. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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The crash, as the old man threw Blondie off, attracted my attention and I turned to see him staring at me, licking his lips with an unbelievably long tongue and vigorously rubbing his crotch. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Finally, I can vote on this....5 stars. Fabulous job, RG!! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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I'm surprised that Nash missed the inferences (there were a couple) that indicated Tom was the ex and Ken the current husband and father of their child. Although motive was lacking...I sometimes think that a clear motive need not be shown; if, as in this case, the story is so well done. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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I'm really glad to see that you finally published this so I could it my promised and well deserved 5 stars!! Of course, I had to read it again (twice)...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Shaken by this unusual turn of events, I glanced at Blondie to see a pointed, pimple like protuberance in the lap of her skirt and thought, "is it me?" |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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A huge hand slammed down on my shoulder and I turned to see the fiery eyes of a six foot six monster of a man whose first words sent my heart pounding; "That's my girl you're sitting with, punk!" |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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I read this one out of sequence. No matter, I had no trouble following. In fact, it might be better to realign the chapter order. (?). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Fabulous! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Welcome to SM! I agree with al..it's refreshing to see quality, new writer's here...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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I liked this...a lot! I like your style, Thelestro...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Is there a chapter 2? Not that I wouldn't like reading it, if it comes; but, this could end right here, too. It's well done...it's complete and I'll second all of alharris' comments...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Wow, JD! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Good idea! He'd get my vote, too! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Way better than the "bee's knee's", alharris ...this was the Cat's Meow!! ;o). Excellent! Man, I'm becoming a big fan of yours...have your noticed...LOL. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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I AM...I see you took my "threat" to be pissed if you didn't publish soon to heart....lol. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Welcome back, Frank! Excellent start to an unusual zombie story (I think...;o)). Not a mortal error, but I got a bit confused when you jumped from Jeffrey thinking back - to the doctor informing the detective of the anomalies she'd discovered and then...back to Jeffrey. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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This is great, CJ! You kept the tension level high, not slowing it with extraneous descriptive narrative while still leaving us with a vivid picture of everything that was going on. |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Great, great job, WBS! I couldn't see anything here that indicated you were out of your comfort zone...;o). |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Long time no see and look what you have wrought! A masterpiece! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 11 months ago
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Thanks for reading and commenting, morticiarose |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 12 months ago
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Welcome to SM! - The Camaro is magical and as Carson gets the car he "feels" his grandmother (maybe he hears her in his mind). Ultimately, he and she develop the grandmother/grandson relationship thus far denied them. Regardless, great, great first effort (here, obviously. It's apparent that you're not a "new" writer). I'll definitely be looking for more of your work...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 12 months ago
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Getting even better...;o) |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 12 months ago
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Neat! I like the narrator's voice and establishing the character was uniquely well done! |
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writerwannabe 1 year, 12 months ago
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Hey, Lady A....you going to finish this chapter? |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Of course! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Ah, yes....this is the right stuff. Much, much better than the other second chapter. Fuller, more like chapter one. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Errors didn't bother me, but this chapter lacked the "power" of the first. It's not bad in and of itself, but very short and compared to chapter one...not the same quality. Sorry. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Yes, and I'm very sorry about it...;o(. But, I'm almost to the finish line in my novel and writing on SM was simply taking too much time away from it. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Profound! Excellent! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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How about turning a non-reader-of-poetry into a danged addict? That oughta explode your head a bit...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Please be nice and mentally insert "is the" between "other" and "story". Once again my fingers were not connected to my thoughts...lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Excellent erotica, Lady A! I really enjoy reading erotica that creates the visuals without the overboard vulgarity. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Among your better pieces, WH. Great job! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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LOL...that's a backward compliment...right? Thanks, al. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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You oughta be!! Damn, this was fine. You turned this story exceptionally well. The brief sentence structure created a fast pace with no "fat". Lean and mean..."Best Seller" quality. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Minimum words - maximum visuals. This is superb writing, al. I love what you're doing here...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Fabulous, al! You've got this story by the neck and you're squeezing it out perfectly! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Congratulations on a job very well done! This was an especially difficult project story to close out. Firstly, because of the stellar writer's of the previous five chapters and secondly, due to the tremendous research required to "stay in the game". There's a thirdly, too! I'd been waiting to write the ending and when I pulled out; you came in and in a very short time turned in an excellent piece of writing. Kudo's! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Welcome to SM, Ravon! My first comment is....print the story in a font that's legible. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Didn't grow up in Michigan, but I sure recognized a lot of what you wrote about...little differences, here and there..but....damn, what memories! Great writing, Baz! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Thanks, dog! I, too, am a bit disappointed that no one else joined the parade on this one. Maybe you, me and honey are a little too intimidating? LOL....NOT! On another note: You, writinghobo and Baz have become quite the anti-authoritative voice with your excellent poetry. The three of you should hook up and publish a poetry book! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Seriously great, WH! Using past "peaceniks", lyrical lines of song and weaving them together for the message....was genius! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Regardless of what you think of your work..always, always vote yourself a 5...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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I'm sorry to toss a bucket of water on your faith in me, Aggie....I really am. But, I am withdrawing from this project (and Project - Around the World, where I am also due for a chapter). |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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You actually peed in the sink? LOL....far out! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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I've read the play and it's G-R-E-A-T!!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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LOL....you kill me, Baz! I don't know where you get the realism in your stories, but danged if you don't do it - er, real! Add to that your unique style of writing and ...presto, zappo, zingo...you're on your way to great things in the wonderful world of writers! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Great stuff, Baz! I'll reiterate all the above comments...don't stop here. Build it and please, separate the danged paragraphs....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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I didn't find it boring, at all. Repetitive - a lot, but still interesting and certainly what a prologue is all about. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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OK, so I'm a month late and a few dollars short. Still, loved this piece and glad I finally got here...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Hmmm. I was really into this story. I had visions of the "bug guy" in the Men in Black movie (I don't remember which one...lol). The herky-jerky guy, ya know? |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Whew! Remarkable story (telling), al! You have truly exceeded the standard here on SM. Man...once again, I'm speechless. This is so, so good (to reiterate dog's comment)...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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I'm re-reading from chapter one. After the first chapter, I remarked that I was "at a loss for words". Now...you have my "undivided attention"...;o). This is truly professional writing and a fabulous story! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Finally got the opportunity (remembered to look for it...lol) at home where I use Firefox! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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What touch? Writing poetry? Nope! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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You did a very good job of establishing your character and setting up the storyline. You need to work on your grammar (primarily spelling). This is a good start...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Published Chapter 8 to Honeygloom's "A Piece of Possible Spleen". |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Damn, al..this is fine writing! You really added meat and direction to this story...;o). I really, really liked the backstory with the girl's father and the end...oh, man, fabulous! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Good job, Lady L! I like where this is going (make that, where I think it's going) and as al mentioned, this chapter is a well worked "set up". |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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LOL...I figured you had used a translator program. What stuck out the most was...you apparently mistyped the word "tend" with "lend"....because of that the doctor had guests "zu verleihen" lend to - rather "zu neige" tend to....;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Yes...but, it'll be a couple of days before I can get it posted. Lots of pieces to tie up (thank you Hebe!..lol). All I wanted to do was kill the Hydra!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Sorry, I'm so late getting here, Lady L. I liked this chapter (better than my now aborted attempt to mash) but there were some inconsistencies that threw me off a teensy bit. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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For a self professed novice at mashing, you did an excellent job here, Jinx! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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And you were "accusing" me of taking this story to such a high level that you and honey would have a hard time maintaining it??? Are you kidding me? LMAO. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Don't worry about someone low-balling you...lol. It happens to all of us. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Great continuation, Lady A! While I understand and agree with what JD said about showing her emotions in response to what the "angel" was saying; I thought you did a fantastic job of using dialogue to describe the scene. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Almost a year in the making, this storyline...lol. I'm glad you came back to it. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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I generally don't read poetry because I seldom understand it...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Well, I'll be dipped...it must be all the magic in this danged story...LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Dang, what I saw wouldn't copy/paste. Here, then is what I saw: |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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DAMN! Tried to read your new chapter but this is all I saw: I'm not a happy camper. I hope it all "shows up" later!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Thank you very much, Lady L...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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The kidnapper surprised me and you left us hanging by not explaining (yet) why he wanted a "**** virgin"...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Although the title gave the "cliffhanger" end away, you did a great job describing the girl's emotional state, the scenery and you set up the "snatch" well. I especially liked the puppy ruse to distract her....;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Sorry to see this story come to an end...;o(. But, I loved the read. The storyline was great...and your usual exceptional writing made it that much more fun to read. Great job, Jinx! |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Oh..chapter 6's title is "God's Domain"....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Published chapter 6 of honeygloom's "A Piece of Possible Spleen". |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Thanks, dog. For me, your comments are often like little nuggets of gold sifted from a rushing stream of words. It might amaze you to learn that these nuggets (also provided by a handful of other writer's here) have greatly influenced my learning process and, for that, I am eternally grateful...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Indeed, and a happy new year to you, as well, al..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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A burst of inspiration and forty-five minutes "quiet time"...shortened the delay I expected in posting this chapter. Hope it works for everyone writing and reading this storyline...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years ago
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Short but sweet, honey! Excellent addition, guiding the plot and yep, I caught the "clue"..;o), very well placed and written, too! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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LOL...welcome to the orgy, dog! GREAT character your detective, Large! Fabulous job entwining him into the story. A deputy named "Lex" Hmmmm....;o), please don't let him become too much of a bummler. Not sure whether I should go ahead or wait on honey to give us her character's POV. I think I'll wait a day or three....;o). The title...man, what a burst of inspiration and ingenuity...perfect - absolutely perfect!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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I stumbled across your response to "the Cerebral Assassin", didn't recognize your name so I went looking. Seems I'd read this story and voted you a 4, but didn't comment....so, here' the belated comment..;o): |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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LOL...thanks, dkk...glad you liked it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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This is a fabulous piece of writing to set up the story, al. I'm truly at a loss for words at the moment...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Loved this chapter, WBS. Aside from your usual excellent writing technique, the way you split this up among the characters made it much easier to read and follow the storyline. I'm not nearly as confused as I previously was...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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On second thought, there's no reason why I can't continue....two branches on your initial story tree...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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LOL...no problem, Lady...I was stuck here and visiting family kept me from finishing. I'll just delete and get my butt over to read the your follow on chapters...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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LOL...great chapter, Jacko! You have (once again) thrown me for a loop, but I like it...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks, honey! Morning sickness? *scratching head*...OH!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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That's a great comment, LadyL...thank you, very much! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Great job, WBS! Starting with the Nietzche quote (very apropo) all the way to the change in Edward's character. The fight will be a doozie, I'm sure...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Yes, I'd like to keep the closing chapter. I had a lot of fun closing out two of the Penny Dreadful stories...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Thank you, very much, Katrina...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Published chapter four, "God Takes A Detour" to honeyglooms, "A Piece of Possible Spleen". The holidays slowed down my continuation of the "God" character...hope you enjoy...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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I was really into this chapter until the last paragraph... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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I'm a story guy. That's what matters to me and if I like the story, the grammar, unless it's really dreadful, doesn't bother me. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
I just realized that this was in response to the "Word" challenge...lol. Visually, well done. I imagine we'll never know why Lord Draken called Barnaby back, considering this was posted months ago...sigh! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
I can't understand how it is that I've "missed" all of your posts since joining SM! A terrible error that, after reading this, I'm bound to remedy...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Looking for new alharris material and realized I commented, but didn't vote on this one! 4.5 ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Here, again, I wish to retain my originally assigned chapter...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Thank you, thank you, thank you - Aggeloi!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Another apology for getting to this later than I usually do. SM really needs something to alert people when their favorite authors post!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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I wholeheartedly agree with somehow kick starting the current projects and finishing them. Some are only missing a chapter or two. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Ditto dog's comment..."I wont claim to comprehend it all but I loved it"...what's a third agreement? Ditto, ditto? Dritto? Hmmmm. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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WAY TOO FAR!!!!!!!! Oops, I was laughing so hard, I pushed the danged caps key by accident. Still..WAY TOO FAR....LMAO. Exceptionally imaginative wordsmithing, RG. Loved every word! Hurry and post so I can vote this a 5! Give yourself a big pat on the back!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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every damned "TIME", too! LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Fabulous second chapter, al! Though brief, you totally kept Kara's character intakt. The introduction of the mother and the background death of the father was genius and really added meat to the storyline. I'm not amazed. I expect great writing from you and you deliver - every tiem! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Welcome to SM, Avery! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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LMAO....THAT didn't even occur to me!!! Now that you've mentioned it...DAMN! One of my sons is a tattoo artist...I'm gonna have to ask him how they go about inkin' that particular body part!!! ;o) I can already see his reaction....LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks, RG...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks, ORL! I'm likin' what I've seen from you since your return, too....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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I'm cold, heartless and totally without couth, tact or any semblance of sensitivity regarding my victim's name.....;o(. Geesh, I just wasn't thinking! Forgive me? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Welcome to SM! What a spectacular story start to initiate your arrival, too...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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After seeing your comment in the "forum" referring to the posting of this chapter...I went back to re- read the first chapter. Sure glad I did!! I assumed the character was a detective. Assumed wrong...maybe....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
I was expecting you to go back to the detective that kicked off the story, but man you really threw a curve ball...lol!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Great writing, Baz! Man, I had no idea!! It has never, ever occurred to me how bad off you Lions' fans are. Man..ya'll need help, emergency aid from the U.N. or something!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Great entry, TBH! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Here's what confused me with the LED light: "In the hot gray of her LED light," and then a couple paragraphs further, "In the washed out whiteness of LED light". |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
LOL...ahh...got it! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Thank you, yur1 and welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
LOL...neat! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Welcome to SM, yur1! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Thank you, LL...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Who do you think I idolize when it comes to horror and sick? LOL....thanks much, TBH!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks, so much, dog and honey! You guys really flatter me and I LOVE it because I am such a fan of the two of you! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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LMAO!! Nice to know that people care that I'm still fumbling my way around this world...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
I wanted to add, earlier, that in my comments on chapter three, I'd written "no cavalry in sight"... that's one of the things that make this such a good story. There was no cavalry in sight and the one that comes is totally unexpected...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Profound. Moving....and so much the real truth! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Seldom do we get to a see a complete chapter around here. I'm really glad that this one will be and more so because it's such a well written complete story. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Great, stuff, al! This chapter went by fast; maybe because it was short or maybe because the action so well done that I zoomed through it. I think the latter! ;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Agg took the words out my mouth...or, outta my fingers and keyboard...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Interesting "bio"...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
It's been awhile since I read the first chapter, so I went back and did that. Didn't take long, as I remembered it as soon as I started..that's a good sign! ;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Not sure what to make of the formatting...a screw up in the system or intentionally inserted? Hmmm. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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LOL...rah - rah, go Jacko! I love competition and can't wait for you to get back to it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Ahhh, success! Thanks, ORL!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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LMAO...hey, WBS, where ya been? Thanks for the comment and the high vote...;o). Now, let me go see if you've got anything new up.. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Welcome to SM, poete! As JD already mentioned - very well written. Your initial build on the characters, in particular Craig, was especially well done. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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Good start on this chapter, dkk. Mmmm, have you been reading Stephanie Meyers lately? Not a bad thing...just curious. The pace and wording are similar, if you took her work in third person - different from the majority of your previous works...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Aggeloi, this is truly superb writing! This is how one writes a story with little to no description outside of the character's thoughts and actions. This is professorship for budding writer's...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
And to imagine that there really are people in this situation, this totally unthinkable ditch of despair, rejection, abused and addicted. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Holy Manoly, Baz! This was gruesome, exciting, disgusting and elevating in its gore. The storyline is especially interesting to me. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to do much more, much nastier things, than simply say, "No, thanks" and shut the door in the face of these door to door christian salesmen. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
Context
Lots of folks to keep track of - way above my skill level, but you're doing great, dog. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 1 month ago
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I've never watched more than a cumulative thirty minutes of this show - much less for any other reality show...lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Ummm, maybe throw in some of her thought processes. That she knew he was baiting her to strike out at him. He wasn't afraid because he knew she wouldn't/couldn't do him serious harm, just enough to use against her. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Rushed? Hmmmm. The intent was to kind of "lull" and then, shock. Guess it didn't work...lol. I'll have to work on that aspect in the future. Thanks, JD...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
You're right, Baz, creating a world in which anyone can feel comfortable, or scared shitless...is the goal...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Perfectly done, JD...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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OK..It's OFFICIAL. I'm a klutz! Please forget what I said about the previous chapter. This one explained Renni's actions and I was way off base. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Oh, JD, I hope you will not think badly of me and keep in mind that this is an honest critique, but this chapter just doesn't work...;o(. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
I was wondering when we'd get back to a "newsreel" that discussed the Harbinger ships out in space. Cool! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Fabulous chapter, JD. Although I felt you jumped into this debate rather quickly, as mentioned in a previous comment, you've got to keep the pace high here on SM. I imagine that in your re-write for the novel this chapter will come after a few chapters of Norman building up his arguments and alliances, secretly, before bursting out in front of the entire camp. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Another great chapter, JD. I disagree about to much tell and not enough show. I thought it the right balance. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Agree (as one of your friends)..;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
LMAO...thanks, dog. You, too, are very well respected and a better writer! Makes your comments all the more satisfying and encouraging...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
LOL..Port Aransas? Man, I've done some heavy partying in PA, back when I lived in Corpus Christi...;o). Twins! Cool! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Thanks, al. I'm really hoping someone will take this on...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Yeah, you're right...I overdid "1957"..lol. Thanks, dkk! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Thank you, DG! Actually, glad you commented, too, because it reminded me that you have a couple of chapters up that I haven't read, yet! ;o) I'll get to 'em shortly! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
"Jerry's Adventure"...just posted. My attempt at humor..ugh! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Great job, Baz! I'm really starting to like this freaky, nincompoop, Russell. Usually a preacher of verisimilitude...there ain't none to be had in this story and there shouldn't be. Love it, man! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
What was worth it..the laugh, the story or the cut open abdomen? lol |
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| 3 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
LOL...random (as in not thought out) is sometimes good, as you demonstrated here! Because of you, I'd drink a Mountain-dew, I'd... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Thanks, so much, LL! I had no idea that you and dkk were sisters! You must be the younger with a stronger bladder...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Muchas gracias, Señor! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Wow, Baz...thanks a lot! "aura of thought" is an interesting phrase. I like it! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Thanks, a lot, Jinx! I've never written a comedy..hmmm, maybe I should oughta give it a try, huh? lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Same here...where ya been? Thanks, DJ.."cringe-worthy" is way cool...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Wow...thanks, Honey! I really hope you're continue your side of this. We could play off each other and produce a pretty good complete story...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
LMAO...thanks, Agg. I'm certainly a twit, sometimes..;o). Thanks, too, for the reference to brilliance. I LOVE that word!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Great mash, Nash! Made my day reading one of your pieces again...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Great writing, dkk! For a first shot at a parody, you did an exemplary job!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Thanks, Baz! Wanna give it a go? ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Very glad you liked it, RG...;o). Lots of avenues branching off, now...wanna go at it again? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
I'll save comments until you've published, if that's okay. So far...me likey. I only hope you don't end it here. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
And the anticipated trouble with the newbies begins! Well played, JD. Just the right amount of tension in a believable first confrontation. Dialogue was superb, the inserts about Renni's gauntlets - perfectly timed. Next...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
It has come to my attention, via a little birdy; that when one tweets on twitter, the message is not a "twit" but a "tweet"...I think. That's what the birdy told me. I wish he's have told me sooner! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
WOW, dkk...how does one respond to a comment like that? I'm flabbergasted...lol. Thank you, very much..don't know what else to say..I'm the shy, introverted type, you see? |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Thanks, JD. Creating "shivers" involuntary or otherwise...is great fun...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Working up a sweat here...lol. Posted a mash to rico76sgirl, "As Luck Would Have It". |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Yeah, but damn I've got a headache...did anyone get the number of that last truck? The scratch is infected and I'm gonna sue that bastard!! LOL |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Like Bazooko and Honeygloom, I was completely overwhelmed with a "stream of conscious" after reading HG's story start: "A Piece of Possible Spleen" and had to mash it...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
LOL...okay...I'll hold my breath for it! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
LOL...another "stream of conscious" affaciendo (sp)...I really need to get me some of that! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Ahhh, I see..;o). Actually, not. It's hard for me to empathize because my first story here was an absolute barn burner and they all got better and better after that! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Cool! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
BAZ!!! Holy ****, man...this was unbelievable...RFLMAO. "Stream of consciousness"? More like rivers of some fabulous drug...and I WANT SOME!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Unfortunately, all of the projects are currently "dead in the water". They could be revived, of course, but since honeygloom has departed the site (in her role as SM advocate/project mgr, etc) there's no one to fill the gap. Unless....unless..... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
LOL...well, I got a good laugh out of it and a second laugh at myself for not realizing the joke! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
I should really proof before posting...not after, geesh! "The Nazi's was..." should be "The Nazi's were.." "You're modesty..." should be "Your modesty..." Are there any more....lol ? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
I'm really honored that you went back and read all the previous chapters...;o). That I'm equally honored by your praise goes without saying, too. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
I, too, loved the story and the corny, crazy, almost unbelievable character...lol. Like mjm, there were parts where I had some difficulty keeping up. |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Holy Manoly!!! What is this?!? The character from chapter one is a 40 year old momma's boy...stuck forever in the world of a small boy? Man...can anyone not be thoroughly intrigued? |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Wow! Short but filled with so much visual "action" that I ran out of breath...lol. |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
This was great, RG!!...;o) Very visual and you moved the story forward immensely. I really liked how you dropped little references to previous chapters and incorporated new hints into the Nightstalker's character. |
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| 0 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Welcome to SM! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Welcome to SM, DG! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Not one of your best, hobo...but, hey I'm a lousy critic when it comes to poetry...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Yep, I've seen it a few times, too. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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The mundane, the day to day can be exiting when well written as was the case here. I particularly like the scenes with the puppies and the upcoming new group. I'm seeing trouble on the horizon..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to SM! Excellent first post. As al mentioned, your descriptives of scene and the character were very well done. Although brief, you gave us a great visual of Sangwith and the Master. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...practice, practice, practice!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Ahh...lol...it's my age ya know? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I don't know about this one, random. It seemed..well, silly compared to the first chapter. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LMAO....depth perception! Only you would realize that fine point, Jack!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, Baz...I just hope I don't get confused...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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You're not writing fast enough, Jinx! lol. The withdrawal between chapters is killing me. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Your characters continue to keep me (and other readers, I'm sure) spellbound. Whether human, machine or, as yet unknown, all of them are fascinating and continue to grow in leaps and bounds. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I read this several days ago. I read again yesterday and this morning. Would you say I really, really like this chapter? Yup! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I wouldn't want to go up against you in an imagination contest...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...thanks, al! We know kids can't keep secrets...drat, I was hoping no one else would realize that. You let the cat out of the bag!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Hey, there, honey!!! Great to see you here again! I hope it's not just a brief visit...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, dkk....wow, you really went back and read them all? Now, that's a compliment...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Yep, great read. What amazes me is the depth of emotional knowledge and life experiences (both good and bad) that almost all of your characters have. You're simply not old enough to have all of that..lol. On the other hand, who am I to say what you've been through? Every writer puts something of himself into his characters...not all of his characters, of course, but the ones that he uses over and over. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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You know I give a **** about grammar. Like dog, you Baz, have a unique style of writing...screw grammar, screw complete sentences, screw proofreading...just write it. I love reading both of you guys because of that and... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Man, I'm glad to get back to this story....on to the next...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, dog! I'm sure you know already that it's going to get gruesome....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Published chapter 2 to my own "Dark Secret" story...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Geesh, dkk....I had no idea I was causing you such pain!!! Should I stop? lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...thanks, RG. No, I won't tell, until two maybe three more chapters. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Now there's an interesting concept to start the next chapter! ;o) Thanks, mjm! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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The title brought me in...no, that's BS (although it's a great title)...lol. No, the author brought me in and as expected, kept me reading...;o). Great start chapter, Baz. You gave me a great setting, an excellent start on your main character and your wordsmithing is, as always excellent!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL..thanks, Baz. I'm always very pleased when you read and comment on my stuff...not as much as I enjoy reading yours...but close...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I admit to have been a little...umm, worried that you might think that plot twist a little too far out. Really, really glad that you like it and I know you're up for it....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Hey, Baz, thanks for the compliment...don't I wish it was even a teensy bit true??? Yes! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Greetings all...and thanks, very much for your support. I've been letting this stew a little too long, I guess...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I have posted, today: |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Nope, not pansy at all. Very real...a man at his best! ;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Understanding (I think) that you don't want to let the cat out of the bag, too soon; I'm still not happy with the middle portion of this chapter. Too much tell and not enough show. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Fabulous turn of events, imaginative is an understatement! Next...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I was about to be upset...make that damned pissed...but, then I noticed that there's another chapter. This was too short, but I'll withhold the severe reprimand....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome back, RG!!! It's great to see you here again and continuing this fabulous story. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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It's a rock and hard place, JD. When I first joined SM, I posted three or four chapters of the novel I had just started - also rough drafts - to test the water. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Great writing, hobo! Parts of this were intriguing, parts were true to life and parts were downright depressing in their negativity. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, al...lol...read on and you'll learn how to get the snacks!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...actually al, I don't bloody understand the Heisenberg Principal. Just trying to understand it gives me a headache. Fortunately, I stumbled across some layman explanations on quantum theory and mechanics and soaked those up. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Hey, Amethyst-Eyes, thanks for reading and the comments! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Good chapter, dkk. You're doing an excellent job of weaving your characters into pairs while building on each individually. Great writing! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I agree wholeheartedly with LadyLuck's comments. I was also impressed with the dialogue and the rivalry you've built in to the bother's characters. Excellent! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Great story, thamagnopen! Haven't seen you for awhile...so, welcome back...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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So short and yet, so full. Excellent! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Beautiful chapter, JD! You hit on so many emotional contexts that I was dizzy for a second. This was a huge leap in the storyline. Great job! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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"I am such a Goober"...LMAO...I haven't heard that for years and years! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL..no matter the name, now that you've cleared it up. I like this guy! More, I like the deepening character of Renni..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Dang! Why didn't I think of that? LOL. Thanks, Ace..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome back, Ace!! You certainly haven't lost your touch. Love this...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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My turn to blush...lol. Thanks, JD. Mutual respect and admiration are the best, don't ya know! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I didn't find any of the dialogue, "shaky"...au contraire! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I agree with dkk (that it's annoying) and alharris (that ignoring the offender will not correct his/her behavior. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Great, great chapter, Jack! Man, you told their stories, really built on their characters and set a solid foundation for the next chapter; make that the rest of the story! Love it! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Great, Jack...good to see you back. Looking forward to more. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Absolutely, your two cents help..;o). Good advice and recommendations that I'm sure I can use. Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Astute assumptions, JD...lol. A lot of what I write comes from a personal experience of some kind; either occured to me personally, told to me by someone I trusted and believed or, something I personally observed. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, JD...;o). I hope you'll continue to read this series. You're comments are particularly nice to receive. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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This is absolutely brilliant, Jinx! The introduction of this...anarchist poet is fantastic at the least. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Good job, dkk. I like how you told the brother's stories (at least, partially) in the setting you chose. It fit perfectly...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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;o)...thanks for the offer, dkk. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, very much, dkk! Based upon your comment...it works! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LMAO....dang! Don't worry, though, there's help for you out there....uh, somewhere....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, so much, dkk...;o) I'll give it another read later and publish it. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Oh, dang! I intended to hide the fact that he was on a plane until the very end. Obviously, I wanted it to be..uh...obvious that it was a plane crash ending. I guess I didn't do that very well...*sigh* |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I'm kind stuck...;o( |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...thanks, dkk! I'll be looking for "Interview with the Paranoid"...:o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to SM! Very well written, erotic without crossing the line to pornographic. I liked it a lot...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, dkk...lovely compliment! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Cool...I hope to find out soon...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...sometimes those "quickies" are the best ones! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Ahh, yes! No submission - respect! Very well written. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Absolutely!!! Reading breeds writing...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Just published another story start: "Aufwiedersehen" ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Holy ****, man...great stuff! Visual, hard and fast, brutal...excellent writing! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...other than that (I really didn't pay it much mind), this was very well done. I kept reading, thinking I'd get to what the narrator was in love with...but, you kept it a secret. Hard to do, that, I think. Good...very good, job! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Great stuff here, SV! I don't know how long its been posted, but I imagine a few months. Sorry, it took so long to get here. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, al...maybe tomorrow I'll have another chapter up. dogdeity may take it somewhere...I'd like that...or you can, too. What this site is all about, right? ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, dog...yeah, I do have a specific direction but that doesn't stop you from taking it your way...lol. I'd be honored, certainly...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to SM, AIK...hey, just realized your initials are the same as Jeffrey's alter ego...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Very well done, mcpdude! I really liked the narrator's voice and the one sided dialogue coupled with Dracula's thoughts. I like it a lot and hope to read more...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Fan-effing-tastic, Jinx! OK, I've officially run out of superlatives...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Holy Moly, Jinx! You really turned up the flame on this pot...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Just a published a new story start: "Dark Secret"...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Great addition, dkk! I really had this mysterious, witchy-spell kind of vibe going...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Great! Look forward to hearing from you on email..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, al. No, these chapters are not from the book I'm working on. In fact, I'm really pleased at your comment because I had no clue where I was going and I didn't know the characters when I started this. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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"Looking for time and inspiration"....oh, yeah! I'm working on a novel, about 3/4's done. I tried a screen play - once; thought it would be easier than a novel. Boy, was I wrong! One is no easier than the other, just different...LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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OK.. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I've searched and I've looked |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I'm honored! Thank you...;o). True or not, you're definitely keeping me interested...lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...love Mrs. Shoes and this chapter was very well played with Renni's introduction to her new roommate. Mrs. Shoes is really quite a character and I agree with dkk...she's likely much keener than she lets on. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Excellent continuation, dkk. The description of Cassandra's power was especially well done and the entire chapter was visual and exciting. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Fabulous writing, JD. You took a rather mundane day in the refugee camp and made it interesting... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Ah, humanity...ever insistent on self immolation. You captured that perfectly, JD and even after a catastophic end to one of the ships, the people on board the other ships have not learned their lesson...tsk, tsk. Sounds like today. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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"they will see their account balance reset back to $0..." |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Unlike "Fickle Fall Winds", the brevity of this chapter was not in the least a factor in establishing your characters. The narrative was well balanced between the scenery and the characters and you left your reader (me, for one) with several questions that demand an answer in subsequent chapters. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Here, again, your descriptives were excellent. In this case, however, I think you went too far outside the house compared to what was happening inside - your main character. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Having just read "Baffling Point", I felt obliged to read some of your earlier postings. |
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| 3 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I don't believe I've welcomed you to SM, yet, bjv; consider that omission remedied and make it a Hearty Welcome!..;o) Were I not a native Texan, I still would have easily recognized the place. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...I am truly a survivor! No worries...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, JD!! ;o) |
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| 3 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Seems to be a ladies forum topic but, hey, I ain't ascairt to jump in amongst you...providing I have your permission, of course! Thanks! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LMAO...I like your attitude and outlook, al. I think we have a lot in common, other than our age...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...oh yeah - family, friends, deep fried turkey and beer! But, the danged football games don't come on until after 6 pm!! ;o(. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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This is OUTSTANDING, al. It is so well written, witty and imaginative that I thought I was reading a story published in one of the top of the line magazines, by a well known author. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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"well-lubricated modem-hole" LOL...gotta love it. I do. |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I'm usually no fan of poetry. Mostly...make that totally, because I never understand it...lol. |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Just wanted to get dr3arms' scream about money off the forum front page...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Oh, wait....this last chapter was more recent, indicating further chapters? Great! Get to it, please...lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Sorry to see that this was the end...;o(. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...love it! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Okay, I'm a year late on this one...lol. No matter. I love this storyline...I don't much care for the way you're telling it. Who is the narrator? Addressing the audience directly is generally considered very amateur. I've had my own hand slapped several times..lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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This is really excellent writing, LA! I read your first two entries after joining the site and then...for some reason...missed everything until now. A situation I will quickly remedy...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I mentioned that I'd be interested in mashing this and I did...;o). Please give it a read and let me know what you think. |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Great, JD. A piece of "normalcy" in a mad world and a sign of hope and rebuilding. As usual, great wordsmithing, very visual and excellently written...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Yea! Harbingers! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Jinx, I've really enjoyed all of your writing here and have to say that this was the best of the bunch (although I really liked the kitchen appliances thing, too...lol). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Yup..that's what I do...ignore them. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Well, that went pretty fast...but, then it is a short story, isn't it? ;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to SM xX! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Posted a mash chapter to Pittymenot's "Vampires". |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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This is a fantastic storyline you've started. Very imaginative...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...thanks, keys! |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...well, if I write something you can get it easily verified...or, denied as the case may be. We DO write fiction after all...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Sorry, I missed addressing your comment until now, al. I can't fully answer, however, without giving away part of the story. The answer to your question is - neither. LOL...again, sorry, best answer I can give right now. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...thanks, al. I'm really pleased that you continue reading something normally not within your favorite genres. I'll do my best to keep it interesting for you! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Another fabulous twist. I did not expect Renni to become a Harbinger warrior - or marshal. |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Finally...lol. I was going to stop at this one..I've some pressing matters to attend to...but, dang it...I can't stop here...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Lovin' it!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
The most I've ever seen in a car is eight gears (these are formula one racing cars). Stories are kind of like shifting gears. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
LOL...no, I'm not in, or near, the shrink business. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, Jinx! garbage made a similar comment and I agree...lol. As I said, and for those who have read other postings of mine, I never do this much exposition without a healthy dose of action and dialogue. Well...it's coming....stay tuned! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Thanks, garbage! |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Sorry, my bad. I went back and it was Marshal speaking, not Thomas. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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I've added chapter two to "Smitty". Thanks in advance for reading and any comments you'd like to make....;o) |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
Context
Wow...make that WOW!! Fabulous, JD, simply fabulous! |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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The first half was beautifully done. I can't imagine better descriptive narrative for someone in a state of near coma...;o) |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Great stuff! I intended to read only one more chapter today...I've other "important" things to do...lol. But, after this one, I've simply got to read the next, too...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Marcus! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Not one to solicit readers (read-beg)...but, Jackoalltrades and I have been alternately mashing a story started by Jack a few weeks ago. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Not one to solicit readers (read-beg)...but, Jackoalltrades and I have been alternately mashing a story started by Jack a few weeks ago. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...hell yeah! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, TBH...uh, no..why do ask if Smitty's homeless...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Agree. Totally. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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The arrival of Casandra in the story, though somewhat pre-ordained, was excellent. The idea of "quickening" - genius! |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Excellent plot development, dkk! Well written, too! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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Like the others, I was thrilled at the cyclone - in particularly coloring it and sending it to the sky as a message. Visual, imaginative and well written. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 2 months ago
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And the winner is....dkk!!!! and the crowd roared! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Yes, "more data is needed"...lol. Great job, here mcp! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Thanks, Jinx...I did find your comment interesting and will do further research - for my own edification, not to initiate a discussion or debate...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Thanks, dkk...I appreciate it, very much! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Thanks, JD and yep, I will continue....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Funny! So, that's freestyle, huh? Beats me, but I liked it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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And you have the benefit of being able to receive comments. You can use the comments to perfect your story before publishing....afterwhich you can't make any changes. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Thanks, Al. After posting, I wished I'd taken it farther. I will. Maybe it'll be something you want to jump on. I'd like that....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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LOL...Yup. As you mentioned in previous comment...there's a long story arc....so, I'll just be patient and keep reading. deal? ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Knock, knock! Anybody home? Katrina? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Well, you kind of lost me on this chapter...;o(. Chapter one ended with a great line: "Swimming, as Morgan will find out, is marginally more difficult with a gunshot wound." The visual here is that the interior of his "coffin" became full of water as it "defrosted"...no, not swimming but certainly the posibility of drowning. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Welcome to SM, mcpdude! All not biggies, just fine tuning kind of things. The story itself is interesting and I'm off to read your second chapter...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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OK...forget my comment about the end of chapter two, i.e., how did the transformation feel. More than adequately explained here...very well done! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Great second chapter, dkk! I especially liked the second paragraph...all of it. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Me likes...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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LOL....your subtlety is equal only to your great penmanship! It was moonlight, not sunlight, wasn't it? Geesh! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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That's a good idea for the next chapter. I'll give a thought or two and see if I can come up with something...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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LOL...no sweat and wasn't a biggie. You know me...it's all about the story, not grammar or spelling, anyway. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Welcome to SM, loveisatrickk! I agree with alharris, especially about the language. If you're going to use words like **** and **** and pussy...use them! The search engines can block those words out for those who elect not to read them...they can't block your attempts to "gentle" them...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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An alternative would be to devise a search engine that can be used to link to a particular writer's page. Currently...like in my case, you have to go through 547 pages before you get to my postings! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Greetings Storymash honcho's! Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Interesting start, Al. I normally don't comment on spelling and grammar, but since this is still draft, you might want to double check "wave" instead of "waive", etc. ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Fabulous, Al, but I gotta say this is nowhere close to where I thought the story would go....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Great job, Cheese!! I second everything dog said and would add that I especially liked how you dropped "clues" into the letter...."rich", "the waiter", "Dr. Sess", "parents killed in an accident". |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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I'm speechless, dog...you are a master story teller, hands down, bar none...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Great continuation, Agg. I especially liked how the Maker planted a seed that seems to have sprouted at the end...and the little incident from Michael's past...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Better late than never, what? Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Sweet! Not only the chapter, but I beat Aggeloi and got the first comment in...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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And you haven't offered me the opportunity to read your nearly finished novel??? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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LMAO....I KNEW George was still in the story!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Holy Moly! Normally, I would scream....where's the verisimilitude? Compound fractures equal massive shock; her injuries, a huge mechanical/biological bear looming over her and the snake in her face - you'd think her mind would shut down. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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And the fabulous beat goes on! Have I told you how much I like these little "news" interludes? I'm sure I have, but I'll keep doing it because I'm old, senile and prone to repeating praise where deserved...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Welcome to SM, SK...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Sickening? SICKENING? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Thanks, dog...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Thanks, Cheese. You gonna get back into this thing you started? ;o) I've never seen Dexter and I agree that supernatural doesn't necessarily have to be. Paranormal need not be supernatural...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Rambling, for sure! But, you're wrong that it didn't make sense...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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No harm, no foul, my friend! I wasn't in a particularly good mood when I read your comments and guess I kinda went off, too. Usually, when mad or upset, I'll write my immediate thoughts but won't send them or post them. By the time I've written I'm not so upset anymore. Unfortunately, this time I hit the send button. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Thank you, JD. By the way, I owe you a read on your latest...hell, I owe it to myself...lol. I'll get there soon. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Did I feel your comments too harsh? Nawww. But...well, let's start from the top: |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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The refrain is excellent, the rest is, too. Much too old for your years, hobo. You were born thirty years late. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Cool deal, JD...I'll get over there this evening and read it! ;o) AND...I have also posted a chapter to Cheeseliker's "No Hero"...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Up front - I switched from first to third person and back again. I know, I know...!!! I just had to do it and I think it worked pretty well...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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WhooHooo, the dog has arrived...lol. Great stuff, my man! I especially liked how you went back and brought along Honey's characters, seemlessly sewing them back into the story. Genius. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Great job, WBS! I really liked the interaction with his sister, the tease with the little girl that culminated in her abduction. Very well done ...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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LOL....I posted a continuing chapter to yours...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Sure: Roses are Red, |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Fantastic idea and excellent penmanship! You did a fabulous job of mashing a rather broad paragraph...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Neat! Well written! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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BRAVO! Well done and good to see you back here, hobo! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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I probably didn't follow "EdibleGoo's" idea...but, I sure as hell mashed this puppy...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Welcome to SM, ssaunders! I will return the favor and read your chapters...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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You give me too much credit, al. I haven't an outline or really much of an idea for the next chapter. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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I'm not much for poetry, but I know a good poem when I read it. This was very good! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Published chapter 8 to jackoalltrades "Transporter" |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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This is great writing, keys! I don't think I've ever read anything from a North Koreans point of view. So, first off a big A Plus for the idea. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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I seem to be on a roll...lol. Posted a mash to alharris' "Reunion". |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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I guess "threadbare" was a bad choice of words...lol. I liked it, too. I guess I meant that it was so short, I didn't get much out of it other than a setting. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Great job, al. You really took a threadbare beginning and built on. Excellent research and setting the scene. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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LOL...thanks, Agg! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Thanks, Al..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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JD...two weeks..;o(. Hope you're okay. We are waiting uhhh, a little impatiently for the next chapters. I've got Renni fever!!! LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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In case you didn't read the preview, I wrote and published this without review, proofreading or rewriting. I simply typed into the SM story block and shot it off. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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I just posted a continuation (the first I've done in months) to Immer_Schreiben's "What's Their Story"....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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LOL....yeah, Tolkien was murder for me to read. I did once and that was enough. I'm sure, like you, I missed some action parts, but I don't think I'll go back looking for them...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Like you, Agg, I tend not to write long, detailed descriptive narratives. Long to me is anything more than a four or five line paragraph. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Here's where you left off in the first chapter: |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Lika! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Hey, keys, been awhile...welcome back! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Jinxedit! Nice start here, good tone and you captured my interest. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Gotta hand it to ya, Cheese....great imagination and writing...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Gotta hand it to ya, Cheese....great imagination and writing...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Well done! Regardless the last paragraph, it still sounds like some kind of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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LOL...yup, random; but, a good analogy! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Not me, random...no regrets, this was fabulous writing! Glad to hear that you will continue when you get the time...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Hey, Psycho...good to see you around here again. I'd thought theblackhand's project had died...glad to stumble on this and see that it hasn't. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Concur, agree, surely of one mind with Agg...;o). What more can be said? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Dang it, Agg - I was going to say that!! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Not only admirable, she's a character well versed in survival in cold climate...lol. Excellent. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Purposeful prose and excellent story plotting, I'd say...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Sorry, dkk, I have to disagree with your comment about keeping up with the locations of the three characters. Writing in the omniscient third person allows that kind of thing (I think). At any rate, I felt no confusion or tenseness in the writing. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Yup...short, but well done. No need for more in here. What you wrote told the story...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Wow! Poignant...profound, even. Expertly described (I know from a similar, personal experience while in the military) and the ending was perfectly executed! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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I'm sure glad we got back to somebody I already "knew"..lol...and I'm glad it's Jon! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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Another fabulous piece! I'm starting to get confused around all the characters...like, whoa...here's a another new one...lol. Probably just my old age providing senility and a tad bit Alzheimer's! Awrighty...off to the next...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 3 months ago
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And the plot thickens!!! LOL. Great addition. Thank you, thank you, thank you for figuring out the fond...;o). Off to the next chapter. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Dang! I only squeezed in a few minutes of SM on Saturday morning, didn't see any new chapters; busy with other stuff until now - Monday morning, and I feel like I've awakened to an overnight blizzard... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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New writer to SM "Wordsr"....has posted four chapters and they are GOOD! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Greetings, Wordsr! I've read your chapters and with the exception of the almost impossible to read font - I highly recommend everyone read them! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Great chapter! You neatly tied in to the first chapter and did so, fabulously. Please, please use a bigger font!!! LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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This was great and another interesting character..;o). I'm confused, though, about the connection of the first paragraph to the rest of the chapter (?). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Another well written chapter, Word. Longer, more detailed and you quickly established your second character. I like this guy, but what is this: "he barely noticed the peaceful echo his footfalls made across the small pond next to the path"? Does he walk on water? If so...waaay cool! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Wordsr! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Quick guesstimate indicates you've got between 20 and 22K words written on this story. That's half of a novella and a third of a small novel. I can't see you finishing this in anything less that 40K, right? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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"nearly missing her." ??? LOL...around where I work, we call that "fat fingers"!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Holy Moly! Now, there's a twist in the plot for ya...lol...the mongerers are after harbinger technology. Fantastic! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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*blush* why thank you, JD!! I like the idea of being counted among your group of writers...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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It's always different to get comments from folks other than family and friends, isn't it? Well... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Smooth..enticing...horrible and fantastic. Loved it! I like Floyd, probably shouldn't, but I do...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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This is absolutely fabulous writing!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Thanks, JD....I was hoping you'd get around to reading these...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Excellent! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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OK...tell me the truth. You're a published writer, likely of some reknown, slumming around here, right? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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A very succinctly written essay. You clarified in one page what several textbooks couldn't do....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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LOL...I'll simply echo Ace, honeygloom and Katrina; high praise from some of SM's top writer ladies! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Very poignant, excellently written. You did a fabulous job of placing your characters (both the visibile and invisible) and establishing a subject certainly taboo in that society. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Nachtraeglich, Herzlich wilkommen bei SM! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Man, what a fabulous teaser!! LOL. Very well done! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Yup, I can see your worry about this chapter dragging things down after so much action, but it worked the opposite. It allowed the reader..me..to catch his breath and as Agg said, your descriptions of post apocalyptic world was excellently done. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Absolutely agree with Aggeloi. Unique approach, genius in execution. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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I'm out of breath, can't read fast enough and no time for comment, except to say fantastic!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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WOW! That's all I can say, right now....WOW!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Hey, garbage! Thanks for the link. I read your chapter...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Ah, yes! Very visual chapter, JD. Excellent description of the Mongerers - how they travel and hunt and their physical appearance. What was lacking was - how they killed; but, I'm sure that will come along down the line...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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I like your style, garbage! I agree with hebe, the title fits the last line..lol...but, I also get your point of view, that regard. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Since you haven't been logged in since last September, I doubt you'll see this comment. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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I don't know how I missed this....last year!?!. Man, I'm kicking myself in the butt...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Very short. Too short to get a good picture, but written well enough to get a good "idea". I like it! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Welcome back! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Yeah, I see what you're talking about...the story is writing itself...;o). Those are the best but there has to be some ryhymn to the reason. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Ah...righteous! I haven't been there in a very long time, but I remember Colorado well and fondly. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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LOL...now there's a word for ya..."convolutedness". I love it. I might just make it my favorite word for awhile...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Well..I'd huff and I'd puff and I'd...do nothing but sulk... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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LOL..I read the sentence containing "thrice"... thrice times because I hadn't seen the word used in like...forever and found it cool...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Genius!! I've been around here for more than a year. I don't know how long the forum has been here. Anyway, however long the forum has been active, I've bitched about scrolling all the way down to see the most recent post. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Ooops, sorry! I guess I "read into" the story a bit and confused Pope Peter with Pope John Paul...geesh! lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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*Waffling hand, palm down* Umm. I think there are a lot of things you could do with this. More detail / background into the Pope losing his faith. More detail / background into his brother; why he was "locked away" for example. Where? Must be in the Vatican for the Pope to get there so quickly. What is the time set for this? Pope John Paul XV indicates far into the future but the scenes seem to be far in the past. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Echo JD. Good thing there's another chapter waiting..lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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This damned well better not be the end, JD. I'm a warnin' ya! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Good action chapter, JD. Excellent twist in the plot. Fabulous cliff hanger! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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This and the previous short "world view" reminds me of the WWII news reels...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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I had some verisimilitude issues a couple-three chapters back when Renni was first shot. I didn't mention them (much). I bring that up now only to say that you are doing a brilliant job with the last couple of chapters, dealing with Renni and her wound! Very well done...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Completely agree with Aggeloi's comment. This was the perfect place to bring in a new character and that character being a Harbinger physician, was genius. Excellent writing! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Cool! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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After an extremely rude interruption...my boss had to tell me all about this new project he thinks I should handle...I'm back to reading your story...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Better late than never? Sure, why not? ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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I, too, loved this chapter. Renni is really developing and, like dkk, the more I read, the more I like her. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Wonderful...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Well...all I can do is echo Aggeloi and dkk...I'm a teensy bit confused..lol. Only a teensy bit, though. The chapter was interesting and well written, in and of itself. Only one thing left to do...keep reading...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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The first chapter was interesting, certainly enough to keep me reading...even without any characters. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Very interesting piece, JD-R! Too interesting. Now, I've got to read them all...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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8 months and counting, since the next contest has been in the chute. Have we passed the point of no return? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Jesus H. Christ, dog! I can't comment. My mind is numb. Without any of the mentioned solutions...no booze, no absinthe (it's legal here, Baz!)..nothing but this story. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Killing off the main character is pretty radical, Al, but, Oh wait...you didn't (necessarily, maybe) LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Sorry, Foo, I only have time for the "smoochy - butt stuff"...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Excellent follow on chapter, Baz! This guy is a riot! Love the plot, love the style...don't stop! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Absolutely, Jacko...lexallen@yahoo.com...looking forward to reading your work! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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I love visual stories; those that immediately connect character and I can "see" what's happening. This is one of those. Great, great job, lauren!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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I normally don't get visuals from poetry...lack of imagination? Nope. I got lots of visual here. Good job! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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LOL..thanks, Baz! Glad you liked it! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Good job! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Hey, Baz, thanks for the comment. I didn't think I'd get anymore on this story...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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I didn't think it waaaaay out there at all...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Lovey Dovey...lol...cool. You continue to impress, WH..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Hmmmm, volunteering me for work!!! LOL...okay, I'll do it, but my arm hurts...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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High praise from alharris and I'll jump on that horse! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Of course!!! But, think of all the "crazy" people that populate the classics and best seller shelves....lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Yeah, yeah...chap 3 and 4 clearly need work....lol. Maybe some grammar clean-up but certainly not the story, itself. Fabulous writing, Baz! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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This works, Bazooko...oh, hell yes, it works!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Good subject, well written but...too much tell and not nearly enough show. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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These are exquisite pieces, writinghobo. Truly amazing. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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I'm not much for poetry. Probably because I haven't the patience or imagination to visualize the stanza's. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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LOL...yeah, I was trying to think of some funny things that could happen to a guy living in a box. Didn't come up with anything.... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Love the twist at the end...lol. Improvement over chapter 2, but still lacking in some detailing that I think would've improved the chapter. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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LOL....surely you're not running out of ideas, already? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Neat little chapter! Funny, imaginative and nicely written. Good job! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Wow! and Welcome to SM, katica! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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LOL...I'm sure I'm not the only reader. If you'll go to the bottom of the page your chapter is on, you'll see a bar that says "statistics". Click it and you can see how often your posting has been read and voted on (among other things). This chapter has been read 4 times. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Welcome to Storymash, proteus! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Great essay, thamagnopen! Term limits for congressman, in particular Senators: By the time a Senator has completed his first six years, he's rotten; spoiled by the perks, the lobbyists and taking care of his campaign contributors. After that, it gets worse. Like a parasitic worm, he inundates himself into the power grids and, unless he screws up (i.e., an affair or gets caught doing something illegal - emphasis on "gets caught") he'll be in the same position for twenty, thirty, forty years; continually careful not to upset the status quo. Religion has to be truly subtracted from the state! I could go on but, what's the use? It's time for an armed revolution and if I were twenty years younger, I'd lead it!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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I'm liking this string, but wish you weren't writing in the quickies section...;o(. This could easily be expanded into much more. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Good continuation...I'll reserve more comment for the next chapter...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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LOL...I was about the write the same comment as hebe! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 4 months ago
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Worth the wait, Jacko...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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I really got into the beginning of this draft, but lost my enthusiasm toward the end. In particular, the giant's explanation...all in one paragraph. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Great story start, thamagnopen! I love the premise and your writing is stellar. I didn't really catch the age thing that alharris mentioned, but now that he has...I notice...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Talk about a story start written perfectly for collaboration, er...mashing!! LOL. Fabulous, Aggeloi...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Thanks, hebe....;o) Cool comment...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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If you read only one more Koontz book the rest of your life...absolutely, only one...you have to read "Intensity". It is INTENSE!! I don't think I've ever read a book as nail bitting, graphically brutal novels in my entire life. Bar none! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LOL...great comment, alharris! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Bazooka! I especially liked how you dropped hints and quick flashback-like scenes of the protagonist. The pace was very good, as was the suspense build. Very, very good! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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You're becoming addictive, random! Keep it up, I'm liking what I read very much...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Loved it! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Powerful! Riveting! Explosive! Just Flat Frickin' Great, dog! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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PS: On another subject, I don't think that I will be able to get around to "theblackhand's" serial killer project. You're welcome to take my spot. I'll write TBH and let him know, if you'll shoot me an email so that I can pass it along to him. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Not much of a story...lol. A very well written essay, however. Your thoughts and ideas parallel my own, although you're much more literate. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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I think it is invitation only...at least it started that way. There hasn't been much posted, though. I'm certainly far behind in getting something done. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Excellent use of self therapy, alharris! Weaving your personal experience (feelings) into the story, and; making it such a great chapter was genius. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Hey, hebe...since I follow cheese (I think)...I could use those notes, too...;o) lexallen@yahoo.com |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Sorry, I don't know much about overpriced, poorly built cars. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Thank you, very much, lauren....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Ahhhh, the finished product is sooo good, TBH! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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"why someone like him might feel like they would make the church fall down if they entered. What are his sins? In his eyes? In the eyes of Dawn who says, "Churchs welcome sinners, even worse than you." I could probably go into quite some detail about bikers in the late sixties and seventies...in fact, I did.."Biker's Haunt" and Biker's Haunt 2" (at least part of their lifestyle). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LOL...yup, no illusions here! Thanks for the read and comment, Cornelius - always appreciated! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Good story start, mysticwolf! I liked the action and the fast pace. I thought you did a good job of building Angela (Beth's)character, spacing out the pertinent background date. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Thanks, lauren and X ! Thanks for reading and I'm really glad you both liked it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Welcome to Storymash, mystic! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Great job here, Kellums! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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You're using Word, I assume? When you do a lot of editing on Word, you'll reduce the word and character count, but Word often leaves "hidden" characters and counts spaces. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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This keeps getting better and better, X...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Welcome back, dkk!!! ;o) Some of the Doc's dialogue I thought to be a little unrealistic....otherwise, and grammar goofs aside....I really, really liked the story. It has a lot of potential....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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WELL...the author hasn't been heard from since the comments came in. No wonder, I probably wouldn't respond either. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Big welcome back, Psycho!! You've got a great story going here...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Hilarious! Of course, chickens lay eggs when they're startled...the only thing you forgot to mention is that they're hard boiled, but, hey, you got everything else right...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Man...I was going along, totally wrapped into the story (been there, done that...memories of my own experiences running through my head) and then, without the slightest hint or road sign, you took the story off - cross country at breakneck speed! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Archival Revival...whooeee!! That's a damned good idea. Too bad projects never run the extent of their planned life...;o( |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Me? No, I'm not posting anymore....o;) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Beautifully written. Welcome to Storymash...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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;o)...good thing I'm not a sore loser, huh? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LOL..thanks WBS...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LMAO....I'm officially done with this...there's no end to it. I concede the battle of tongues...er, words....you win ACE...you Win...Okay???? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Grrrrrrr!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Yup, I'm screwed...(sigh). Hey, actually..looking at that from a different angle...it ain't so bad...:o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Hey, dog..thanks! Yeah, it was...I still have a bunch of copies from around the mid=70's. Don't know why...lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Sigh...does anyone, ever get the last word with you? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LOL...you gotta a point...I think!? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Aw hell...this was supposed to be a reply to you, Ace, which would've put the dialogue block in between you and Katrina...;o(. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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HA! See below! Our ever present SM person - Katrina herself, saw the comments (psst...she sees everything, you know?). You thought it was just the two of us....hahaha....gotcha! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Women!!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Thanks, Cornelius. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LMAO...thanks! No, I've got a really full plate right now, but I'll definitely be looking for yours or anothers follow-up...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Oh, boy! Powerful storyline, powerfully written. Vivid details and using a dream as the vehicle for them was excellently done! BRAVO!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Very tense, real and superbly written...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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I'm all about story. This is a good story. It could be a great story. There is a lot of "tell" and not much "show". Example: In the first paragraph, you've got a lot of descriptive detail (tell) and one sentence of action (show). Mix it up more so that each paragraph has more show and less tell. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Echoing Aggeloi - I've been here 17 months. I've posted 118 chapters and written 1905 comments. My earnings grand total is $23.83 not counting contests (I can't count those because I didn't win any...grrrrrr!) LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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And I claim to be a writer (well, wannabe). Can't even write something that's easily understood...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Hey, I love reading good writing...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Heh, is that a positive attitude or what!?! Yup. It's that positive attitude that keeps people, even stars, around for a long time...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Except that she gets so danged SERIOUS about her critiques, sometimes...geesh! LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LMAO...give me that jerk's name and I'll give him a can of "whup ****"...if he opens it, it's on his dime! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Five months we waited and albeit short, it was worth the wait...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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No sweat, my friend....thanks for letting me know that there might be a slight delay...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LMAO...I finally decided to stop trying to find pearls among the chafe being posted here. Went looking for my favorite authors...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Whoooeeee, let the ride begin! Damn, you hooked me with this one and kept it there all the way through and beyond. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Well, when you spend six months to a year between chapters, it's gotta be great, right? LOL.... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Written long ago, I re-read the entire serious because of chapter three...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Wow! Fantastic imagination and imaginative writing. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Two months late...but....here's my two cents: |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Rant...your pants, dog! This was excellence par none...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Published the Conclusion to "Next Stop - Heaven"...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Wow! The dialogue here is fabulous - witty, cheeky, sophisticated, real. The interaction between the characters is excellent. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Wonderful addition, xfionax...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Thanks, Kellums. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Phew! Sure glad we got Eric sorted out...lol Muchas gracias, Senora bonita! on the vote..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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You didn't vote? Kills my average, you know... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Thanks, crystal...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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I simply cannot deny an intelligent, creative writer - especially a female, intelligent, creative writer...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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DAMMIT!! This should be chapter 4, F-O-U-R!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Thanks, Jacko...I KNOW you're up for the challenge and I can't wait...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LOL...I know, man. I'm just a big fan of yours, I'm always wanting more...;o) This was really spectacular! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Published Teleporter 6: Turning Tables...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Dog, when are you gonna decide to quit all the other artsy stuff you're doing, stuff that only allows brief explosions of superb writing? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LOL...I can take a hint and I'm blushed that you would throw that hint my way. I LIKE the idea of Meg going Bonnie Parker....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Thanks, tomcat...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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That's quite a compliment, Kellums...thank you, very much! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Sure, but "marketable" equals, in reality, publishable which I think is every writer's goal..agreed? ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LOL...actually, it was around 6:15..five hours ahead. I started writing at 4 am and was stuck on that time, it seems...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Damn...it's 4 am, give me a break...lol. The rest is without doubt....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Would you just quit it, please!!!! The excellence of your writing is sooo damned demoralizing to us mere mortals! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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I had a similar problem awhile back and someone (sorry, can't remember who) suggested using "google docs" to write, paste into a word program and then, paste into the SM writing block. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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I know what you mean about "dying words"..yup, fascinating...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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I don't know if it's a rule or not...lol. I DO know that it's confusing to the reader (me, at least) and as such, distracts me from the story. Switching POV in a short story disturbs the rhythm. Your line: "If anyone else had boasted that, I would have been laughing, Stark thought to himself. But if it’s her, ...." Well, you see what I mean; didn't intend to rub your nose in it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Time flies, alharris and I apologize for not reading this sooner. Really well done. As Honey mentioned, the introduction of the black van was great. It brought a huge degree of ominous mystery, complicating the main characters problems. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Another good job, Kellums! You let us in on a bit more of the plot, bonded the girls and the fight scene was very good. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Thanks, Kellums! I really intended to have the second chapter done by now...but, life happens to us all..lol. Coming soon, though. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Yup...me, too! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Hey, rocklee! Welcome back, as well...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Great mash, alharris!! You really kept crystal's tone and subtle mysteries going. Great dialogue and build on the characters. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LOL...I must be really "old" and slow because before I could even conger up a half way decent mash....two folks beat me to it!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Holy Moly, Jack! Fantastic chapter! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Thanks, Kellums! Yeah, Jackoalltrades started this string. I think he's up for the next one, but anyone can hit on...you're invited...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Well, of course, I meant...uh...not "old". I put it in quotes, didn't I? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Allow me to introduce a new writer with a fabulously written chapter...Kellums "Selected and Fated". |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Allow me to the first to give you a hearty Welcome to Storymash!!...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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My, my...honeygloom recently announced her "death" as an SM employee and look who has - almost simultaneously - arisen from the dead!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LOL...great mash, nash! You really should've let that woman take the book...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Wow! I don't know about the comparison to beanpolewatson, but otherwise agreeing with nash.. a quirky chapter that sucked me in, too..;o) Excellent writing! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Yup, cleaned it up and I don't think it's missing a thing...;o) Good job, WBS!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LMAO...I know, that's why I offered some suggestions...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Wow! Really well written and imaginative work, tomcat! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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;o)...good job! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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I agree with alharris! Great idea, well done! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Welcome to Storymash, marku! Although written in a serious vein, I found this story hilarious...;o). Great use of analogy and metaphor and I really liked how you built your character. Agreeing with 3rdSunrise...."well played"! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Welcome...very welcome, to Storymash!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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No offense, TBH, but this is pretty bare at this point. I hope that you will add some detail, in particular as to what he has already done to the victim and more about his "connection" to Ray before you publish. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Good mash, WBS...but, dang you really need to proofread before you post; it's riddled with missing words, misspellings and wrong words ("war" instead of "wall"). LOL..okay..that said. Proofread and post...I want a shot at this story, too...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LOL...great writing, honey! I always intended to get back to this and then, for whatever reason, didn't. And look, it's now a month since you posted...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Still interesting, but simplistic in that there could be much more detail. Too dry, I think. I can't seem to empathize with any of the characters...;o(. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Interesting...very! Since I missed this when you initialy posted, I'm off to read the second and third (draft). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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I liked this story, mostly because it was so well written. I'm struggling, though, with verisimilitude. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Love the story and the story within the story, as well as all that I commented on in the last chapter. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Has it really been two months since you posted this? Where in the heck was I...lol? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Wow! Excellent job, TBH! You really established the tone for this project and developed Evan's character nicely; to say nothing of building on Lucifer!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Ah, honey, you have surpassed all expectations with this. Fabulous, fabulous writing. You set this project up perfectly. Thanks! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LOL...thanks, Jacko! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Okay, I didn't have time, but I couldn't resist...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Welcome back, joyridefan!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Yeah, I agree with thamagnopen about the happy end...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Just posted Teleported 4 "Hunting the Old Man". Jackoalltrades and I are having quite a fun time with this one. If you haven't read any of them...what the heck are you waiting for? LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Sooo glad you're back with this one! You know I didn't even have to go back to read previous chapters because this story has stuck in my head and I just picked right up where you left off. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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Oh, MAN!! What a surprise! What a badass minister!! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 5 months ago
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LOL...yeah, I just saw mine. Actually, I was thinking about writing SM to have all these quickies moved to the end of my list of published work. People reading for the first time might get the wrong idea and think I can't write anything else...;o( |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Oh, hey, almost forgot. Do ya think you get God to give ya a push towards another Magehunter chapter? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Loved it, Agg, absolutely loved it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Ooops! LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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HEAR! HEAR! and AMEN, Brother! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Na-na-na, hold on there partner! This is a cliff hanger, too: Agree? So...2 cliffhangers for Jacko; 1 for WWB and I'm writing the next chapter...lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks for the heads up that you'd posted...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Wow! Written so well, it could have been a factual case document. Great job, PEPPZ! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Really well done, PEPPZ. Very visual. I don't have a good feel for the main character, yet; but, maybe that's intentional? Excellent writing! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks, PEPPZ! What happens next, uh...happens next (in a couple of days)...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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LMAO....you're a riot, WBS! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Dani! The first half was quite intense, very well detailed with just enough intensity and mystery to keep me reading. The switch to the past was a little jarring, but fascinating at the same time. I easily made the leap with you. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Intense, TBH! Really well done, you kept the tension and interest high up to the last line. Good to see you back on a regular basis...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Yeah...but, I really like that alter ego, mucho badass monstrosity side....;o). Hope he comes back within the next 26 days!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...dang them comma's and periods, anyway!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Whew! This is getting intense! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Me, too! Like it I mean. Man, you are some kind of an enigma, ain't ya? Gotta love it! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks, thamagnopen! I hope you'll stick around for the next chapter...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks, TBH. I'm really gonna hate to disappoint you in subsequent chapters....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...oh, man...I was looking for a solid direction but you threw it back into the air!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Posted chapter one to a new story, "Next Stop - Heaven". A wannabe biker falls for a high school beauty only to discover that her church comes first! A semi-sorta-kinda-somewhat true story with large portions of fiction....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Great, great start on this continuation! ;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Great writing, nash! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Good job, BQB! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks, alsoran and Lilithia! Don't know if Jacko is going to come back in. If not, laurendobbs might...or heck, either of you may, as well....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Warped? I think we both passed that long ago...this is decidedly bent! LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...I remember that saying well! Thanks for reading and commenting, shadinah. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...thanks, Nash! Yeah, I've read most of the quickies and the 30 days but haven't commented on all of them, either. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Welcome to SM, lightwithin7! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Oh, I forgot to add a disclaimer that I didn't actually "have" any of them...lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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"But the miseries of pregnancy give women this amazing willingness to go through anything to get it over with" |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Great subject, shadinah! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Cool...I'm gonna go read 'em right now! Nobody's reading mine. I figured I was being punished for breaking the rules....;o(. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Ahhh, ya think! LOL. Well, I just added another...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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So, it's the 4th of August and I FINALLY came up with an idea. OK if I write four on the first day to catch up? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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This just gets better and better, Aggeloi (if that's even possible!). Fantastic work, I can't get enough of it. "Harry Potter" was like that and therefore, the comparison to JKR. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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This is....professional, publishable, fabulous writing! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Keys! What a cool idea for a story. Very imaginative and well done...;o). In fact, so much so, that maybe you should do the "Thirty Day" project using keys as your object. That'd be cool, I betcha! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...thanks, lauren! It's up to Jacko to continue and I haven't seen him around for over a week. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Welcome to SM, dominatria! I'm looking forward to reading your stories...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Cool, hebe...I knew you wouldn't take it wrong..;o). Sorry to hear that you've been "whomped" this summer...;o( |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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So read the danged mash, already! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...what a curve ball!!! Great! I'm gonna need to ruminate a bit on the next piece. Dang, I'd hoped not to have to do much heavy thinking in this thing...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Great addition, WBS! Loved how you put this in the newsreport style...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Fabulous continuation, alsoran! I love your voice in this piece and you've done an excellent job of further defining Jack. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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I love this! I was so fixed on the character's "rut", constantly identifying...."yep, that sounds like me"...and then starting to wonder where this was all going and BANG, you jolted me into a different story. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Lovely start. I like this character, already. Off to read the continuations and comment at the end..:o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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This was excellent writing, alsoran! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Yessir...the beat goes on....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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"almost" really, absolutely, without the slightest doubt should have been "always"....geesh! LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks, Lauren! It's almost nice to see someone reading a commenting on a very old piece. I won't be publishing the rest here on SM because of concerns about publishing rights, but I'm not against sending drafts to those that are intensely interested....lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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A bummer that the first comment I get from you is for a "quickie" (written in less than 10 min) that's turned into a one-upman thing between WBScott and me....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Posted a chapter 2 to Jackofalltrades, "Teleported". I did it really fast so there may be some goofs, but, DAMN it was fun to mash something again...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Numbers - man, that is so much easier to type than I554446L...er !..no, I...ah, there it is. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Hey, Hebe! I'm glad you're still writing it, too. I can't wait to see it on the NY Times best seller list...and the movie!! I bet that'll be really great...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Geesh...nothing heard from WBS in a couple weeks and BANG, there he is beating on my simplistic and "naive" comment...lmao. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...hmmm, been toking a little, Katrina? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Well, if the US government would ever admit that Mary Jane is no worse than alcohol...better yet, that it is less debilitating, non-depressive and quicker to regain complete sobriety...and legalize it, which would include (the last report I heard) over 100 billion in taxes (government income) the first 3 years; we wouldn't have to worry about misdemeanors...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...no need to be "sorry". I was simply voicing my opinion, among which was the statement that I thought you wrote the chapter quite well...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Sure...write me at lexallen@yahoo.com....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Great start, Makhios! You quickly grabbed and held my attention. I like the premise and the mystery...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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I did! Loved it, too! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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We could learn a lot from the Brits on gun control!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Okay, I think I've got a string on a mash...couple of days..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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"had"...geesh...should have been "add", of course! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Great chapter, alsoran! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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You continue to show great skills, lauren. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Agree with honey and I'll had that your "voice" is compelling! Great job! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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I've read several of your postings on SM and I can't help but believe that you are writing versions of actual events. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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This is fantastic writing, lauren! You have talent, that's for sure. Your characters came to life immediately, the dialogue was so real that I thought I was in the movie and the pacing and plot were perfectly executed! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...ain't that the way it goes? What I thought was the best I'd ever written, wasn't seen that way by the folks here...and, of course, vice versa has also happened...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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WOW! Spectacular story, Jacko! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Wonderful piece, laurendobbs! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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You continue to impress, PIGFOOT! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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This is a great story! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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I thought you'd accidently posted the same story chapter four times....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Dylasaur! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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You're becoming quite the "quickie" comedian here, Pigfoot....lol. Well done! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Well done, marcusgregory! You could be a middle child, you've deliniated almost precisely what I've heard and read about hundreds of middle kids. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Hey, Cornelius...how did I miss this over a month ago!!!! DAMN! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Welcome to SM! A quickie is a perfect way to "get in" with no fuss, huh? LOL. Good addition! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Funny with a deep, almost unseen warning. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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LMAO...me, too! Funny, witty and genius in imaginative writing! Great job! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Interesting story start, wordjunkie. There's something missing that could make it better, but danged if I can verbalize it...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Agree with both Honey and Nash...excellent comments from both. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Saw your comment about not getting comments or votes, and Nash's critique. Since I've somehow missed you, to date, decided to check out your stuff. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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I hope you are not OCD, but you write as if you were very knowledgeable. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Brilliant, of course....as always, as expected. Can you write anything that's not brilliant? Oh yes, I remember a couple of times. I think you mentioned something about being sober when you wrote those. LOL...kidding! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Well, it turns out I didn't need the epiloque to tie up any loose ends. I had it all, through the story itself, already. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Wow! A fantastic ending to a fabulous, story! Thanks for the ride. I absolutely need to read the epiloque to get the loose ends tied up....lol....but, wow, this was a great story!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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This one short, but so powerful, demanding that I read the next, too! Loving it, Kiyoshi! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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I continue to be captivated by this story, Kiyoshi. Very happy to see several more chapters posted, so I'm off to read at least one more today...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Well done, WBS. As hebe mentioned there were several grammatical errors, unusual for you, that threw me a bit; but, overall I liked where you took this story. I'm not sure I had any particular idea of the setting, although like you, the names kind of sent me to India or Pakistan. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...fabulous, WBS. Now, I guess I'm gonna have to do another one, huh? ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Good job, WBS! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Sad is great! Imaginative, explicit descriptives without going over the top is superior! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Katrina - Your answer that Tribunal was "the sole owner of your work" is certainly true, but I think your answer incomplete. Storymash does have some rights to publishing, I believe. I can't recall the exact wording and I'm too lazy to go back and look. I do know that there was something in the "contract" here that keeps me from publishing anything here that I intend to publish elsewhere. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...it never ocurred to me what a slave driver you are, WBS! I'll jump right on 'em; as soon as I finish scratching my...um.. you know, and picking, er, blowing my nose and talking to everyone at the water cooler and flirting with one of my 25 years younger colleagues...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Well, thank you, honey! I've missed you, too...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Even better...RFLMAO...talk about burning calories!!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 6 months ago
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Greetings and salutations! I'm back...;o). Fantastic three weeks of laying around in the sun, swimming in my own pool and visiting Venice Beach with my two, crazy artist sons....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
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Very unique way of telling a dream story! Loved it. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
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LOL....fabulous! The ending knocked my socks off! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
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Welcome to SM! |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
Context
Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
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Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
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LMAO...in the true sense of the acronym! Great job, nash! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
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You write extremely well, but I found myself thinking, as I read; are there any sentences without multiple adjectives? By the third paragraph I was going, "blah, blah, blah". |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
Context
LOL...yup! 'Course I've dismantled all the mirrors in my house, too! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
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I hate that this was so short. I could read your writing for hours on end. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
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I've never found an avatar that adequately portrays me (or anyone I personally know) but, I agree with Ace..and Cheese. I don't think it would be a distraction (WBS) but, can see how others might find it so. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
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LOL...well, I thought you wanted to get more "risque"? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
Context
Great story start, DanielW. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
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Yeehaw! This story has really taken on speed and excitement. I know you're writing far in advance of posting...so post the next one already....lol! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
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Hmmm, well..in that case, honey. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
Context
Great, honey! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
Context
I think she perfectly described some well known symptoms of a brain tumor, HG. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 7 months ago
Context
I wrote a rather lengthy comment, but deleted it. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Excellent story, scryier! I agree with honey on drawing it out a bit, and there were a couple of places where I wasn't sure who was talking; but, overall I really, really liked this! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Way Cool! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Hey, big welcome back from me, too - Jack! Neat ten minuter here...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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I wish otherwise, but don't think appointing people will help much. Sword and Sandal - we're waiting on ladyvike; same with Suds. I'm not signed up for Suds, but Sword and Sandal - I'd volunteer to move up in the list were it not for the near certainty that I'd be writing "for nothing"...;o(. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Welcome to SM! |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Welcome to SM, bigjmn! If this isn't a fluke |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Somebody slap me! Obviously, I read this chapter long ago, certainly before writing mine. So, why the hell didn't I vote and comment? I dunno, kemosabe, I dunno! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Damn, dog... I NEED some of the drugs you're on, man! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Cool...;o). I gave it a try but it's no match for either you or dog...lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Hey, Dog....good seeing you back! Since reading this, I've been trying to come up with a one sentence story...lol. Can't f... do it. At least not, yet. PS..thanks for reading my Giant Rock entry! It seems that all the projects have ground themselves to a standstill, however....sigh. ;o( |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Cool story, ORL! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Terrific writing, justhoff! I hope you continue this...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
I hope you're not suffering depression, too! This is excellent writing. I absolutely loved that first sentence! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
"Thong Goo" by somethingdignified. Excellent writing. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
As this is the first I've read from you, despite the fact that you've been a member since - what, September 08? Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Gripping story, cheese! Well written (seconding honey - as always) and well plotted. I really like how you've built your main characters and began developing the "intruder" character. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Now we know why we're all waiting on the 7th contest, I betcha!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
What a neat, imaginative story, Aggeloi! Loved it! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
That last comment was pretty badly written, maybe I better not get into this, afterall...hmmmm. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
I have not clue what I'm getting into, but if all of ya'll are, and Nash is the sponsor...I want in. Please, sir! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Oh...and if she wants references...tell her to write all of us here....:o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Lovely, lovely writing Agg! I love this entire story and agree with honey....call JKR and tell her your stuff don't stink and she should get ready for a whole near generation of magic!! LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Well done, Cornelius and welcome back! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Great job, honey! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Thanks, terelyn! Haven't seen you post anything for awhile...;o( |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Awww, no. It's probably just me. I don't do subtle very well, I guess...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
LOL...you're welcome..off to read it! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Ahem! Monster Mash? Honey? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
I liked this chapter, WBS. I have to say that I agree with honey's first comment.....and, the second.;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Awww, twern't nuthin'...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
I take it back...about being too slow getting the rest of the story out. You got this one done pretty quickly. I hope you can keep up that pace because your writing is more addictive than nicotine or heroin. I'll need another fix soon! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
hebe, you continue to amaze. Just when I read something of yours and determine that it is "untoppable", you turn in another, even better, piece! Excellence in imagination and writing skill is truly infinite in your case..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Ah, thanks for setting me straight. I "missed" the reference in chapter one...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
I can't get enough and you aren't writing fast enough, Sav!! lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Excellent, DJ! I really liked how you continued the story, in particular, how you explained Craiter's history with the stones without bogging down the pace. I'm really liking Gray's character, too! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Great continuation, WBS! I liked the Japanese words and the explanation about the "rocks". I'm beginning to like the character, Gray, too. OK, even Blackjack...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Like hebe and honeygloom, I love the metaphors, similies and casual narration. I love the whole story and sad that this is (might be) the end. |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Short and the pile of bones is curious...more so if they are in fact Sergio's. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
LOL...oh, yeah, it hurt soooo good! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Holy Moly! This is fantastic writing, ShadowedPen, truly great! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Fabulous, JD! I laughed my butt off while still maintaining enough sanity to totally admire your writing skill. The best I've read in a while, bar none! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
"hour"...geesh...should be "iron", of course...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Welcome to SM! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Excellent, Alkamyst! I tried to think of a way to mash honey's first entry and simply couldn't; although, I loved it. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
LOL...very good! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
LOL...funny. I liked it. Now, to read the continuations...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Careful, Alkamyst; you'll find yourself with an invite to join the schizophrenic boys in the mansion, probably on the subteranean eight floor! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
I thought you did an excellent job of maintaining the style of the first chapter and it is very well written in its own right. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
Context
Your writing is clean and succinct, easy to read and your wordsmithing is excellent. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Still into the story, although this chapter was woefully short. I hope you post the continuation soon, I like it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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My first opportunity to welcome you to SM...so, welcome! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Lissy! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Excellent! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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To the extent of commenting on dr3arms, his writing or his forums posts, I'm staying out of the discussion. It's impossible to discuss anything rational with this type of personality. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Sounds wunderbar to me! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Weeeell, my two cents are in for you, honey; that is, if you have the time and the inclination. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Yea, hebe...go for it! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Thanks Cheese and Honey! Really glad ya'll liked it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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LOL...good to see you again, ShadowedPen! Like nash and honey, I'm not sure what to make of this except to say that it's fantastic and I really enjoyed reading it! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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LOL...and you shouldn't. Hilarious! Loved it! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Well...duh! Of course I mean "expletive"... geesh, do I have to spell everything out for you guys! Manno! LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Ace - Thanks so much for the critique, it really made a difference...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Chapter Five, "The Inducer" is published. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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You're sort of right, honey. "Schmatz" is a slang word for kiss but literally means "smacking lips". It is mostly used to describe chewing with your mouth open and you'll get the reprimand, "Schmatz nicht so." ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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LOL...yup, I concede. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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I absolutely love this series, Agg! As soon as I start reading the latest chapter, the previous all come tumbling back and I'm immediately into the entire story again...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 8 months ago
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Great writing, nash! The plot surely thickens. Only two more chapters and Tigasis still hasn't gotten to the Hydra. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Nash, my friend, you have forgotten something. Unless I've forgotten how to read, you've promised "chapter four by 5/19". That would be the Sword and Sandal project of which I am also an assigned writer....lol. gotcha! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...thanks for setting me straight, nash. I knew that you were in on one of projects (other than those you've already completed), I couldn't remember which one. I'm not in the Zorro project...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Ooops! Wolfram and Crystalfoo have the next two chapters. Sorry, Wolf...nash was pulled into one of the other projects I'm also on....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I've posted a draft version of chapter five. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I initially intended to post this draft on the wiki page and hope for comment/editing by the other Giant Rock project writer's. My dream muse, however, came to me in such clarity last night that I simply had to write and post it. I will leave it here in draft form over the weekend and welcome all comments for a possible editing before a final publishing punch. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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"nudged"...lol. OK. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Holy Moly, dawn! Fabulous. Bringing Tiffani into the mainstream of the story was totally unexpected and totally genius. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Fabulous writing, scriber. I was having some difficulty with the plot, but you cleared that up. I had initially read something about 14 years and then, Lindsay's goal was to get her dad's job back for him. I thought that after 14 years, that sure as hell wasn't likely and Pierce would have been to young to be running the ranch; but, like I said you cleared that up later in this chapter...only one year has elapsed since her dad was fired. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM, scriber! I see that you joined in January and now, May - you've published your first story and, eight chapters, at that! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Wow! The finished product is fantastic, cheese. It's a perfect piece for a mash, to say nothing of the masterful writing...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Another project bogged down. What a shame!! Can we get this thing going again, or not? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Did Neo ever post a final chapter to the monster mash? Have I missed it? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks to Crystal and Hebe for the links and information. I'm almost ready to start a draft chapter five (I want to read all the previous chapters one more time) and I'll post that on the wikipage that Foo set up. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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That's a cool idea...roman verbiage vs modern, though all in English! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM, hiddensoul! This is a very good introduction, too. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Yeah, the 1990 date really threw me for a loop, especially after reading all the links about Giant Rock and Van Tessel you gave me...lol. Glad, actually, to see it was a typo! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks, hebe...just sent you an email; crystal didn't respond. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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WOW! Thanks for the links, Cheese! Fascinating! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Yeah, that's right! Are you gonna use real, honest to gawd latin or the easier to understand, if you stand on your head and sneeze - piglatin!?! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Fabulous writing, JD. You really made me feel the lives of these characters, each in their own milieau. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Excellent, DJ! Intriguing, to say the least. Great character development and your usual superior wordsmithing really made this a wonderful read. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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In the event that either of you decide to go that way...ummm, let it be known that I already have...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Sav, this epic is sooo good! You've mastered this genre and the "sub genres"...action, suspense, mystery and now, political intrigue! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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OK...looked it up. The Bronze Age lasted about 2000 years (3,500 to 1200 BC) so they certainly used bronze weapons awhile...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Good job, honey. No, not your best but, hey, they can't all be masterpieces - can they? ;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LMAO...oh, man....you're a riot, WBS!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I would like to urge all members to read and comment on 3rdSunrise' lastest series, titled, "Speechless". There are four chapters. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Superb writing! I really wished you had continued this...as you seem to have a definite plotline in mind. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Better and better.... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Fabulous build.... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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This is a fanatastic story start, 3rdSunrise! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Looks like I'm in the mix, now. What happened to the collusion efforts? Wikipage? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Wow, den, that's sure an interesting direction to take this; not climbing out of the grave but falling further into the earth....lol. Cool! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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WHAT!?!?!?!?! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Dang it! You're right, of course....I really blew that one, huh? Thanks...now, I'm gonna be kicking myself all day long! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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How much does the Gothem course cost, wordwise? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Very clever, WBS! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I was thinking the same as honey! Great job, Neo! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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So, that's where you've been...the looney farm! You're not cured, wolf...go back, I'm sure they'll understand. LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Hilarious, Neo...great job! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Lovely, DJ..;o) and I just happen to have ten minutes to spare! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LMAO....thank god! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Neat story! Well done....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I loved it, JD! Intriguing premise, easily read, clear, concise and great dialogue. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Ahem! If I may interrupt this rather interesting conversation between you two? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Damned if I didn't! I didn't even notice until you mentioned it...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...are you kidding? You haven't read my comments to your other postings? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Yessir, sir!!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I really like this, honey. I've been racking my brain trying to come up with a mash. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome to the quickies, nash! Great little story here! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks, DJ! You say I'm doing romance?!?! Geez, I didn't even realize it....hmmm, must be that ol' grandma ghost from the Penny Dreadful project lurking around here somewhere...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Who? Me? LOL...ok, ok, I was only funnin' wid ya! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL..indeed you did and goodness,what a fantastic vocabulary you gave dear Jane! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I'm gonna start calling you "Twister"...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM, E_Dub; but, why wait so long to post your first piece? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Imperamee! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Well written, wordwise, but I missed (and it could very well be "just me") a solid story line, here. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Loved it, JadeRose! Unique idea and well written. I had no confusion about the life status of the man. I was a little confused about the weights that Pepper tied around her legs to keep herself on the bottom until you cleared it up at the end. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Well, I commented in the forum, based upon your introduction piece, that you should try to use punctuation in your stories. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Michael. |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks, DJ! Hey, you caught the name...;o). Yup, that was the intent but could be for naught. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Sorry. Guess my attempt at humor was a little... ummm, off base...;o( |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I really like this version, too, Linden. Maybe Honey was right and this is going to get messy...;o) |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LMAO....liar, liar pants on fire! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Damn! Honey comments, words to the effect, "I think this is going to get messy." I figure..naaaaw, I'm going to steer this into a love story. Barely 12 hours later along comes MR WBScott. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Holy Moly...uh, you mean all of your previous quickies have been "unofficial" or that you're...*gasp*, a Jungfrau!?!?! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Yup...I'm counting on it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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A belated Welcome to SM, RSummers! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Lovely, mari! You've really given this quickie a new life. Excellent character development, vivid scenery...very, very well done! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Of course, I'm in for the real story...I'll get to it right after I do something with this quickie. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Fantastic, Linden! Hurry and publish this, I wanna, wanna, gotta, gotta mash...now! lol. |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Yessum, it most certainly can....check back in about 3 hours!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Hell, Yeah! Excellent...lmao! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Man, WBS, you went and twisted this all out of shape! LOL....great job!!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Really, really good, Linden! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Pretty gross. Can't think of what you might have lacked, unless you were to get really gross and gruesome and chew your fingers and toes to the bone and then break those off and boil 'em in a soup or something....;o). Good job!! LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I agree with honey...well, except for the coffee; I can do quite well without it..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Another fascinating look into the mind of a writer! Wonderfully lived and fabulously written, Aggeloi! |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Acting out in front of a mirror? Wow..never even occurred to me! But, now that it's been mentioned, what a great way to see how it all will look to the reader! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
Context
Yea! Even after all this time, I get to be the first male to comment on this beautifully written, off the cuff piece of "work"...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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A beautifully written piece to explain why you write, nash. You do, indeed, write extremely well. Always a problem, trying to maintain one's identity in a world of "rules" (the publishing world) that depend on sales, that depend upon tried and true methodologies. Methodologies that include authors, writing styles and storylines that appeal to the mainstream and reject, out of hand, anything that doesn't fit the mold. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
Context
Welcome to SM, cowboy! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Wow! A new aspect to StoryMash....way cool! ;o) |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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"what does everyone think?" Does that question include me? I mean, sure, everyone "else" might think it a great idea, but what if I don't, huh? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Great, HG! You really packed a "real" story into this one. |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LMAO....great! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Quick...and...so...unsatisfying! LOL |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Silly girl...Queens can't be minions! lol |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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You already have a large room full of minions... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Ah, I think I read your two postings backwards. This would be the chapter that preceeds "One More Thing", right? |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM, wordwise! This is a fantastic start to your story telling on storymash. Brilliant storyline, beautifully written, superb dialogue and in accordance with the premise of this site; a perfect leave should someone decide to mash...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Oh, boy....this was fabulous DJ! The whole thing, but in particular that first paragraph. Have I dubbed you Queen of the Wordsmith, yet? Oh, yeah, I'm sure I have. I think here you've conquered the Lands of Analogy and Metaphor, too. Soon, you'll rule the Written World and then, the Literary Universe! LOL....ummm, can you tell how much I liked this quickie? ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Very intense, TBH! Great! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks, DJ. Yeah, I'm afraid I kind of dominated the opening salvo's of "quickies"..I'm going to take a break, though, and give everyone else a chance..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
Context
LOL....well, there were, in fact, several grammatical errors and misspelled words. I'm sure that someone will come along soon and point them out to you. |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks, DJ....where ya been, anyway? We all missed ya the past few days...;o) |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL..danged Prius anyway! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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No, not left out...just old....lol. I'm sure I read the comments that led to the duel but, as they say here "Alzheimer's lest gruessen!", I forgot. |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Excellent critique, hebe. I couldn't have done it better...(literally) LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Aren't all Prius drivers...uh, a little quirky? ;o) |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks Honey! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Amazing where some story ideas come from, isn't it? |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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There ya go! |
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| 0 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Enilezah! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...right you are! Thanks! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I missed something...again! What's this all about? |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LMAO...way cool, mari. I can't stop laughing long enough to mash! But, I will...;o) |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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This is really, really good, cheese. Hurry up and publish, I want to mash it. I haven't mashed anything in a long, long time and this...this is it! |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Yep, that's a quickie....literally! Good job, cheese...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...I have so many Willie favorites I couldn't list them all...but...Pancho and Lefty with Merle Haggard is certainly at the top! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Yes and it was typically great TBH! I mashed it...lol. |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...welcome back, TBH! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Me too! And, another ten minutes to spare. This was cool, mari! ;o) |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Dang, cut me off before I could even get a proper word in there....lol |
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| 3 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Interesting! You are one very fast typist...lol. |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Wow! You really took this off into a direction I wouldn't have imagined! Excellent! Hurry up and publish so we can vote on it, too! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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After "random journal entry i" and eagerly anticipating "rje ii", how the hell did I miss this until now? There's no "rje iii" either. I guess that means you got fed up with the total lack of comments? Got bored with this thread? |
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| 0 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
Context
Everybody loves a little ****...nobody loves a smart **** (exceptions granted)...lmao |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM, chlofish! Oh, and maybe you'd consider shortening the title? LOL |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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"perfect venue"...."perfect venue"....geesh! LOL |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
Context
About a year ago, dogdeity suggested that I write some stories about my experiences performing in Germany. I never got around to it, mostly because I didn't really think I could write a complete story about it. The Quickie Project provides the perfect venue, though, and so...I've begun. Many thanks to Ace and Sav for presenting this idea; finally, I have the perfect venue to write about these experiences. |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
Context
LOL...what you're doing is getting better and better at putting your fantastic imagination into readable format! This was excellent in plot. You're still lacking in format and grammar errors, but I can see improvement. ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
Context
I completely agree with Neo. Superb imagination and word play. Unfortunately, those talents get lost among the grammar errors, formatting and story structure. I hope you'll take these comments as they are meant...to help you improve your writing skills...because you certainly have talent! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
Context
A bit late, but Welcome to SM, den! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...good one, den! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
Context
Yeah! Sweet! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Wow. Neat start...I'm on it! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Cool! Thanks, mari! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
Context
Really? I wouldn't know because Target is waaay above my pay grade. Guess I could sneak in and out without buying anything, though! Thanks for the tip! LMAO |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL....cool answer, Ace; very cool! |
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| 2 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
Context
No, guys, I never played with Willie. I know him, been to a couple of BBQ's where he was there, been to his house and studio; but, I've never been on stage with him....this was all made up....:o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
Context
Yeah. OK, I'll keep making you laugh and you can keep pretend dying....;o) |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Yeah, I know. It drives me nuts...lol. |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
Context
Really? So, do you keep beer in your hand or something? I'm just...curious, you know? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Oh...uh, gee...well, I'm really sorry to hear that...WBS. Gosh, only quickies...ummm, do you..well, I don't want to get personal, but..like...do you have a..you know...hard time keeping girlfriends? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Awrighty, I can do that! ;o) |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL....cool story. Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I can't resist. Is there a significance to the numbers? Are they a code or something? Address? Number of times you've had...oh, never mind! LOL |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...no, no, Ace...don't do THAT!!! |
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| 1 |
writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Well, I'll be..! I thought I'd done that the first time. So, I checked it out by posting another quickie...and it worked, by golly!! Thanks, Acey! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks, honey! A quick question in exchange for a quick answer? How do we start a new chapter? I didn't particularly want to follow dr3arms, but didn't see where I could start my own line...;o( |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...I DON'T have a foot fetish, honey! I thought I made that clear at the beginning...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I'll second that "woefully short" comment. But, like honeygloom, I'm hooked. More? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Swriter! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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"little chickadees!" LMAO....oh, man.... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Yep. There have been some new writers on the site of late that are really "out there" as far as writing goes. It seems they are only interested in throwing as much trash as possible, disregarding any and all rules of writing. Sad. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Here's my first critique, Neo..... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks for the praise, Aggeloi! I thought this one had run its course, comment wise. I was really glad to see your comment. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Good job. Interesting twist to an age old storyline! Off to read subsequent chapters. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Good continuation, ash! Still have some serious grammar and spelling mistakes, but the story is running smoothly. I like it! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Ten months ago I missed this...;o(. Now that I know you're still here, I'll read the rest of your work, too. Overall you should spend more time proofreading. There are several glaring grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Hmmm. I have to say that I think you lost some momentum in this chapter, or interest. No, not interest; maybe you were simply in a rush to get it on paper. Regardless the reason, I felt this chapter rushed, lacking in detail. It felt skimpy and incomplete. And...short. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Another superb chapter in this series, JadeRose! I really, really like this story. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks, Honey....looking forward to it! :o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Love it! Great writing in this unique style, WBS. I signed up to write the finale. Now, after reading the second time, I'm less confident of my ability to write in this style. But, it'll sure be fun trying...lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I read your start chapter, but haven't commented, yet. I will..I will...mach dir keine sorgen! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Perfectly said, JDR. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...cool...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Profoundly dark...the Master at Work! Superb, TBH, absolutely superb! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Damn, cheese, this guy's got some real problems. I hope this isn't a "true" story! I liked it, though..a lot. Writing a rant and describing your character and his situation while doing so...wow, very well done...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM, soviet! As the others mentioned, I too, found the chapter interesting. But, I was confused on occasion, as to who was "talking" / when. Regardless, well done! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome back, mari! Almost a year, now, isn't it? You'll be happy to learn that the contest judging and rating have improved...a little...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Very well done, mari! As mentioned, the build up is great and the end creates desire to read more. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Are you making fun of me, WBS...because if you are; why, I'll huff and puff and laugh my **** off...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Hey, I might have 37 or 38 ...nope, 39 now...comments, but you, Cheese, still have the highest score in this series!!!! I'll switch with ya! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...awwww, cheese, gotta love your competitive nature...I do! But, yeah, Ace and I kind of got into a back and forth for quite awhile here...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks, Katrina! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Man, you continue to rock the erotic! Wonderful! Short, but wonderful! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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On second thought...skip the money....lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I don't have an answer for you dr3arms, but I do have a recommendation for the SM staff: |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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A beautiful, talented, young Woman!! No applause, please, for my tremendous efforts in discovering this fact....just throw money! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I'm not chicken!!! I just think that after I went to all the trouble to find out....why should I give it away to everyone else? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LMAO....geesh, WBS! I know, now! But, even though Ace gave me permission to announce...I won't...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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G'day and welcome to SM, Linden! An excellent splash into the collaboration community. I'll tell you, up front, that I don't give a whit about grammar or spelling or typos (well, provided they not so bad as to ruin the stoy). The story is what I care about and you've got a great one, here. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Well, great to learn that there was no "serious" damage...;o). Bummer about the stars, though. If I have trouble seeing things in the dark with only moon or star shine as light, never look directly at what you want to see. You won't. If you look slightly to the left or right, though, you'll see it fine (at least as fine as whatever luminosity is available). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I hate Sterno, too! Peanut butter does the same job and is way better...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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You're at the plate, Neo! Hit a home run! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Ooops. I didn't call the story RVN on this site. It's A Day in the Life - 3. You've read it and commented, Ace. The answer to why Germany and what took me there is in the chapter. Some, not all, of the details in the series are not fiction...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...okay, my guess is that you're male. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Oh, and don't even try something like..."I could be a woman and 'scream like a girl' (when I was a girl) is still a valid comment" I ain't gonna buy it....lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I ain't ascairt....I put my email in a forum comment for ya....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Man, I thought it'd never happen; you goofed, tripped yourself up, screwed the pooch, et al. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Don't know much about Michigan, except that Detroit is there. I had occasion to go to Detroit a couple of times over the years. Hated every minute of it, I'm sorry to say. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Of course! It's not obvious, I suppose, what with my European flair; but, yeah....Texas. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Thansk for the line spacing trick! I may well take you up on your offer...;o). I will extend the same to you but, you should know that I'm a lousy critic. Still, I'll be glad to give it my best shot if you would like me to. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Muy bueno, amigo mia! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LMAO...yeah, dang it! I remember something about |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Dang it. I can't remember how to get an extra space to separate paragraphs. Oh, well.... "Let's start with the bad." You're right about the first paragraph. I was trying to visualize things for myself as a way of getting into the story. Yes, I could have ignored the hair thing; but, for one it bugged me and also, I simply didn't know what to do with the story. So, I convinced myself that I needed a new character and then, I could rock and roll from there. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Test |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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HOLY MALONEY, Ace!! What a fantastic critique! I don't know about being tough and able to take it, but I really love that you went to this effort on my behalf. Man, I can't get over it....lol I am definitely going to respond, in depth, because you certainly put in some time and thought on this. But, first.."the good, the bad and the ugly"...I am a huge fan of Clint Eastwood. I've seen every movie he made or produced at least twice and some of them 3 or 4 times. Someday, I'll have to tell you how me and three of my Army buds watched, GB&U the first time in a small, closet sized room in Germany. It was 10, 16mm film reels long and we ran it on two 16mm projecors onto a white sheet on the wall....lmao. Anyway.....here's my response (in the next comment box). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I haven't fished much since I was a kid/teen. Only when I go back to the States. Fishing in Germany is difficult. You have to take a course, then a test and then buy an expensive license; and, you're very restricted as to where you can fish. Plus, they don't have bass (at least none that I recognize) and the only catfish they have is farm grown. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Quite alright...;o) I only checked a zillion times since last night (my time). What time zone are you in? That way I'll know not to look for comments until "lunch" time. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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gripping, fool (me)...gripping! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Still undecided on the gender question and the stock market took away the 12 grand honey's asking for...;o( |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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*blush* Effusive praise, I love it...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Many thanks, Cheese!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Yeah, it's a shame about Ludmilla. But, it doesn't absolutely have to turn out bad for her..;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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MmmmmmmmWaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Yes. Thankyou! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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He forgot how to spell, mayhaps? Nawwww.....;o) When are you two going to read and comment, of course, on my latest....ahem...masterpiece? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Well, I could hardly not read this after going through your first two posts (this year), could I? Glad I did. A wonderfully profound piece, well written and perfectly organized. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Fabulous! But, woefully short...;o(. I could read much more and hope to in the near future. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome back to SM, Laurendobbs! I surely hope that you'll get more attention this time around because your writing is very good. (I'm partial to English girls...;o) so this story really hooked me. I thought you did an excellent job of defining your characters and the premise is very interesting. Off to read chapter 2...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...cool story start, Cal! If that ending didn't come from left field...nope, make that outer space...lol...I don't know what! Man, what a surprise and the entire chapter leading up to that ending was fabulous. Excellent characterization. Where the heck have you been these last several months, anyway? Welcome back! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Posted chapter four to the Penny Dreadful Project monster series! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Chapter Four to the Monster Mash is posted. I'm looking forward to everyone's comments - good, bad and yep, even indifferent...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Though loath to introduce a new character this late in the story, I felt compelled to do so because of the black hair/red hair issue. Yes, I could have ignored it but...well, I needed an excuse to add a new character...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Wow...great story start, Neo. I'm hooked! You've built a fascinating character. Don't know, yet, what the true premise is, but I'm sure it's equally fascinating. Great writing! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Great continuation! My only teeny-tiny negative is that it would have been easier to read and added a little more impact, had you broken the large block into bite sized paragraphs...;o). On the other hand, the block lent itself to someone who was blurting everything out in a stream...lol. Well, regardles...well done! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Absolutely fabulous, dawn...really! This gets better and better. LOL...so many different names to remember. Normally, that would throw me out of the story but you've done an excellent job of introducing each without taking away from the primary plot and keeping Carla and Tommy front and center. Beautiful writing! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Great first chapter, keys! Other than what honey already mentioned (especially the font...whew!) I had zero issues and lots of enjoyment reading this. I can associate with Alex except that it wasn't me that could not give up looking for dad, it was my younger sister. The shots at the end were totally unexpected and opened the door to whole new story! Lovely! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Great writing, dawn! I, too, love the premise and thought you did a great job of describing the inner thoughts and dialogue. The fact that tomorrow Carla...and then, Tommy...would be dead was written in perfectly. Short, sweet, to the point and so surprisingly placed. Really great! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Well, you certainly kept the suspense going all the way through. I have to admit, though I liked this very much the repetition in each of the short chapters started to get "old". Now, we're at chapter nine and still not really seen the prowlers or whatever they turn out to be. I hope you write an end to this. I love it. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I'm saving comments until the last chapter...this is so effing great! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Please don't tell me this is the end!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Oh, man! Masterfully done, marcus! What an ending to this chapter...off to the next! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Gruesome, but so damned good. Off to the next chapter...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Me, too. I should apologize for not having read much of your postings the past several months; an omission I will soon rectify. I certainly liked everything I read from you last year. This was exceptionally well done and I'm eager for a continuation! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I disagree with both nash and honey. I thought this a perfect tease. The climax doesn't necessarily have to be what we might believe it to be; and, if your previous writing here is any indication, I'd say it won't be. As a tease, this worked for me, perfectly. I am at the gate, prancing and dancing anticipating the bell...so pull the cord, already!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL....naw, you're not rude...or anything, WBS! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I've been wanting to for a long time, but thought you'd think me forward at best and a dirty old man at worst! I hate being thought of as a dirty old man. MmmmMmmmmMmmmmm-Wwwwaaaaaaaa!!! Whew! A little out of breath, there....'o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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"Tiiiime, is on my side...yes, it is, baby" Great. Now, I'm being told that I'm not "smart". Oh, indirectly, to be sure...but unmistakably clear. *sniff* |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Wow, PEPPZ, what a fabulous look into subway life in NYC. I was fascinated and I could even relate the experiences, especially the first one to riding the streetcars and subways in Europe. Amazing the similarities. Wonderfully and uniquely written! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Yessum, that's what my grandpa always told me! I can, however, report that I got enough inspiration to make a start. I'm a little over a quarter into it....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...whooeee, a dragon...YES!!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Ohhhh, you are sooo wicked!! Allow me awhile to ponder my response....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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See, multi-talented women, gotta love 'em. Superb writer and sly business woman!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Welcome to SM! I'm guessing India, but maybe Pakistan? I ask because I've read several stories from Indian writers and yours was similar. I must say, however, this was much better than those mentioned. I'm not sure what to think about this chapter. I liked the story, but thought you could have done a little better on character and scene definition. Some of your sentences were a little hard to understand, requiring a re-read or two. I have to admit that love stories or love based themes are not my favorite read, regardless of whether they are hetero-sexual or homosexual oriented. Overall, a good job and good start at SM, but it could have been a little better....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Ohhhhh, man, Sav....no comment..lmao. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Where in the heck would I get a cricket ball? Now that I've had time to think about it....all of 5 seconds...I'll probably blow off $12K and you'll have some unisex name like...Alex or Doris or..or....something! OK...I'll send you two batches of chocolate chip cookies and a cric....if I can't find a cricket ball will a hockey puck do? Soccer ball? In return a simple but truthful "guy" or "gal" response. Deal? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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HA! Chump change...I'll be in touch!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Dang! My new goal in life is to discover the TRUTH! Ha...reckon you've already figured that out, huh? ;o) Hmmm, wonder if I could bribe Ethan, Katrina or Honeygloom to disclose your full name....*wagging eyebrows* |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Glad I remembered to get back to this...;o). I absolutely love this branch of the storyline. Your characters are all realistic and Freerunner, he the MAN..lol. Really curious as to why he saved these folks. You've got to continue! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Glad you picked this up, again, Neo! I loved how you started this chapter with the killer/rapist moving in on his next victim and sequed that into where you left off with June and Chris...excellent! You did a great job of continuing the suspense without really giving anything away. I have to say that some of the dialogue in this chapter seemed a little "off", stilted but not enough to really distract from the story. The story, itself, is great and once again, I'm looking for more! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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I think I've overstepped the time constraint for publishing chapter four of the monster mash. I keep waiting for one of my inspirational dreams but, it isn't coming *sigh*. Hopefully, I'll get something soon. WBS gave me some ideas, but the muse has apparently left the building. So, for all interested parties...I haven't forgotten, I'm working on it. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Yep, I know. I know. I voted both of you a 5; had I lowered that score for either of you..well, different story, maybe. Thing is, I hate underhandedness (cool word, huh?) and dishonesty so much more than I hate losing a silly contest. I'm also a strong advocate for giving credit where it's due and you both deserved top credit. Yup, that was a kiss.. but, hey, let's stop the lovey dovey stuff, ok? Unless, of course, you're a girl type...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Your humility becomes you, Djinn...;o). You know, I think Ace owes you and me a "thank you, kindly" for his outstanding placement as 1st loser since he read ours before writing his !!(especially since it was soooo close). Don't get all riled up, Ace...just pulling your chain..lol...*Mmmm,waaa* |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...absolutely words of congratulations. I don't speak French or Japanese..but, I do understand "merci" and "domo arigato" (thanks to the band "Styx")..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Pig-latin? That'd be cool...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 9 months ago
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Oh, gosh, I really should've thought of that, myself! LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Uh...how would I know what Julius Caesar said to his wife the morning he was killed? I don't understand Latin....;o( |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Oh....I'm only gonna kiss the girl comment blocks. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Oh, yeah, it's possible. A terrible hugger is one who just can't get it right! There are different kinds of hugs; I'm sure you're aware of that, no? So, yeah...hugging is not good for me...*hangs head again* I thought we'd just kiss everyone we liked in their comment blocks and have them vote...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Never been there, never done that but damned if I don't feel like I have after reading this. Poignant and superbly written! Well done! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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NO Way, Jose! I'm not about to enter into a throw-down-hug-off with you or anyone else! I'm a terrible hugger (a great kisser, though...want to do a throw-down-kiss-off?). Losing ain't always so bad, ya know (relatively speaking, of course). I've yet to win a danged writing contest around here |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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YEA! Herzlichen glückwünsch, Djinn! Now, I want to read some really good bragging...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks for the notes, WBS. Intentionally or not you've certainly gave me some ideas and why not; what are writer friends for? LOL. Gunpowder! Now THAT's very interesting....;o). Thanks, also for your confidence in me! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I really liked this story start. I like the idea and how you've built suspense. I would like to have seen a little more descriptive narrative. Was the room she was thrown into dark? I had the impression that it was, but then she clearly saw the man's lips and eyes. What was in the room? Why did he throw her out of the window rather than take back to the door? Hmmmm. Well, several "things" missing, but the story....my overarching criteria when commenting...the story is really good and I'm hooked. More, please! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Welcome back, xfionax! You really drew me into this story. You drew out the mystery with great narrative and dialogue and increased suspense all the way to the (must too quick) end of the chapter. I like what you've done with your two characters, too. Just enough to entice the reader and make us want more....and I certainly want more. Great job, especially coming out a drought!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Excellent job, TBH. Good continuation of the Bies and Ludmilla characters and their interaction with each other. As "usual", you're ability to describe horror vividly was evident here and, in the Penny Dreadful mold, bloody...very bloody! ;o). I agree with honey and cheese that mayhaps, you could have furthered the plot a bit; but, without going all the way into the vampire castle (and that, two chapters from the end) I don't see how you could have furthered the plot. Unless, of course, you'd switched scenes to Emilia or something. Anyway, I'm in a bit of a quandry. I don't know where to go from here...lol. My military trained mind can't grasp the fact that Ludmilla is taking her band into the den of vampires. I mean, that is so undoctrinal...so tactically unsound considering how she defeated the werewolves. Well, I didn't intend to write a danged chapter here...so....I'll just close by saying that I thought you did a really, really good job here and I'm hoping for some inspiration here, soon! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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LMAO! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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LOL...well, hey, if I can make a "good morning" for ya...it jest don't make a hill a beans one way or tuther, don't it not? ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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LOL...you (and Djinn) didn't just beat me; you both annihilated me! I'm talking about your chapters, not the voting star level, and I'm perfectly fine with it. It's another example of my current level of writing and I'm not ashamed to admit...I've got a ways to go. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Sure...I've already waved the white flag, so whatever suits Djinn and Ace is fine....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Coool! Now what? All it said on Twitter was the contest theme is Historical Fiction. How many chapters? Or is it a complete story? Info, info, we need more info, honeychile! lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Marvelous! Like Ace, I don't usually read poetry on SM, or anywhere else for that matter...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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So our dear SM honcho's have agreed to install said software in return for advertising moolah? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Hah! Just noticed the date when you first joined...Feb 2008. LOL...so, not a couple of months, more like 14 months. Regardless, welcome back. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Wow! Really well done. Loved it! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Excellent story start, madmaudlin. Since this is the first I've read from you...Welcome to SM (I know you've been here a couple of months). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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See writerwannabe, see him kneel with bowed head; see him raise his right arm, his hand grasping a short, wooden rod, attached to which is a quadrangle of cloth, brilliantly white in the German sunshine. See writerwannabe, the epitomy of concession! Absolutely the best writing I've had the honor of reading in a long time, Ace. Congratulations on an exceptional piece of work....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I liked the double spacing, wish I could get the danged SM entry block to do that. I don't know what word processor you're using, but I've found that google docs works best when cutting and pasting into the SM block. It doesn't use up nearly as many "spaces/characters" as Word does. I can write two to three pages more in google and still get under the 36K character limit....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Ohhh, ladyvike, I wasn't talking about professionalism; I was talking about making a story more realistic. Had you have used the language that high schoolers or even early college kids use when writing emails or text messaging you would have reached a higher level of believabiity/realism for your characters...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM...uhhh, I agree with Sav, Ace and JD..lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Tremendously powerful writing, JD. Loved it! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Very well done, ladyvike! The subject matter was pretty "ho-hum", I mean it's been done a zillion times, but I think your characterization of Mandy (in particular) was very lifelike and her response, spot on. The only "nit" is that I've seen some of my youngest son's emails and the responses from his friends. None of them take much care with the English language...lol. What I'm saying is the text of both characters emails', is (to my mind) a little too well written (English wise). Otherwise, a very, very good piece and I think this will come very close to being your best, yet! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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First, let me once again tell you how much I love this storyline. The writing, to date, has been exemplary and that was equally so here. Unlike the previous chapters, though, there's something confusing about this chapter. It may just be me. I don't think my confusion has anything to do with the "blunder" in plotting you claim to have made (I'm not even sure if this is the chapter that that blunder occured...lol). What confuses me is: Yuan-Tei is dreaming. He dreams that is father is dying and he can't get to him around his mother. Then comes the whole scene with Chan Hok; is this before or after the dream? I think, before. Following this is the piece that begins, "His father was lying in bed...". Is this a new dream...a continuation of the original dream? You know, I'm so confused that I can't even pose intelligent questions... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Oh, I wanted to add my compliments on, once again, building a couple of unforgettable characters. Both Harland and Elias have found a home in my memory banks....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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It just gets better and better. I've no "advice" on what more you could do with this before posting except...make it longer....lots longer...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Oh, yeah...terrific! I love this new character already. You did a fantastic job of putting him together and setting up his circumstances and surroundings. Cat and Andre, too! What a cliff hangar to end this chapter...perfect! I love this and I'm off to read the draft chapter 3. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I didn't even notice the formatting. Nor did I pay attention to the fact that you built the first and last sentence into the story, perfectly. Nope, because the STORY was so beautifully written, the title perfect, the characterization fabulous and the imagination so vividly displayed that I simply didn't give a rat's behind for anything else. I never wanted it to end. This is exemplary writting, honey. Congratulations! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Sure....and since it doesn't look as if anyone further will read or vote on the currently posted chapters, we just need to wait on Ace, give it few days (week?) and see what his stars add up to...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Since I've been thinking of writing something similar, and now Ace has, I'll go ahead and add my two-bits. He's absolutely right, ladyvike. I mentioned something similar, way back, in one of my comments to a chapter you wrote. Let me tell you (make that - assure you) that I don't believe anyone here holds your age against you..or, favors you, for that matter. The only time I even think about it is when you remind me...lol.. which happens relatively often. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Better and better, keys. That paragraph about the "six men" was absolutely electrifying in it's accounting of them and then, the man in the cage...wow! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Another excellent chapter, keys! Sorry, it took me so long to get here. I was hooked from the first chapter and this one is even a notch better. I'm off to read the next before someone interrupts me and, then...in my alzheimers fugue, forget to get back to it...LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Don't know how I missed this six months ago...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Welcome (back) to SM, jchannell12...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks, Honey! Made me feel sooo much better..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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*Slaps palm on forehead* |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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KISS? Hmmm, not that I know of..could be, there's only like, 9 gazillion acronyms...lol What's the reference? NO!!! You weren't sending me a KISS were ya? *blush* |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Easy, yes...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Honeygloom: |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I noticed the length, thought...nawww. I started reading anyway and noticed several spelling erros and thought....nawww. Then I read the second paragraph and thought....hey, hey! Then I ran out of words. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM, CPStrange. I agree with PEPPZ in that you've created a unique view in the biographical category. Although you brought the primary message over quite well, there were still large stretches of "ho-hum". I have no clue how you could get around that, considering the storyline, but you certainly gave it a healthy try. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I didn't understand your response, hebe, until I realized that you follow Neo...lol. I mean what could it be...the Golden Fleece? Oh, that's an intimidating thought! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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HELL NO!! Just a little reading is all. But, I believe you, regardless of what the experts have to say on the subject...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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LOL... You didn't just call me naive, didja? Nawwwww. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Ya see, Ace, it's like this: Just kidding....I ain't scairt! The "YES!" was actually an enthusiastic...go for it, but I was hoping you'd take it the way you did...lmao. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Why not? We DO write fiction don't we? ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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YES! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Well...uhhh, Sav wrote me a comment and said something about having my babies...but, er...no, we're not related. What was the conversation? Did you explain to him the difference between "feeling the right tit" and "feeling the left tit" or what? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Hmmm, so...you're, like...telling me I'm wrong!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I agree with honeygloom, very big subject. Although you sorta-kinda worked it into a smaller piece, it didn't feel right. Aside from grammar mistakes and tense changes, I couldn't get into the story because I couldn't really associate with your protagonist, not on a personal level. He lacked depth (as honey mentioned) and the story itself was much too skeletal. I should be very empathetic to him, but I wasn't and that's not good. Were I you, I'd re-write. I'd try to work in the things that honey mentioned and I'd really work to make my character human; I want to feel his pain, hope his hopes and dream his dreams. He should be unforgettable. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Fabulous, Neo...simply fabulous. Post so I can vote and make a lengthier comment...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Soccer? Not softball, huh? We can talk soccer, I coached the U-15 boys, ODP Europe "State" Team for several years and several German youth club teams. But, that ain't what we're doing here now, is it? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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So, let me take a stab at where the fiction begins. The clichè "too cold to snow" is not one hundred percent true, but it is almost impossible to snow, or have blowing snow in ultra cold environments. There's a long technical explanation for this, but bottom line; the colder it is, the less water vapor there is in the air. Dry air equals no water - nothing to form rain or snowflakes. Clouds can't form, blowing snow is impossible because the cold has "freeze dried" the flakes to icy crystals. So, everywhere that you mentioned "blowing snow" would be the fictional parts. Yes? No? Maybe? Do I win a prize? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Feel a "right tit"? Is that a bad thing? What about feeling a left tit? I once saw a lady in a carnival that had a middle tit....hmmmm, LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I agree, honey. Stories/novels are like a tiger in a room (no, not cage...lol). As long as you are visiting everyday, both the tiger and you are comfortable with each other. If you fail to visit one day, two days...no problem. The longer you delay, however, the less the Tiger remembers you and the more you'll fear going into that room. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks for updating the Penny Dreadful project page...sure looks good; I can see where we're at! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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LOL....biologically impossible, I would think...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Well, you can't lie about something you don't know about...lol. Glad to see that you are back and raring to go....so, get to it, we are all anxiously waiting...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Sav, Sav....you should read your comments more often (regularly). Had you have done so, you would surely have noticed that I have read, voted and commented on every single post you've made here...lol. In fact, in order to make that claim, I just completed three chapters that I had not previously read; "By the Light of Venus" and "Lungs of Hell I and II". |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Excellent seque from the "quiet" room to awaking in a "box". I'm really hooked on this story and hope you'll continue. de Margent is a very interesting character...well done! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I liked it, warts (long sentences) and all. You did a very good job developing de Margent and the descriptions of the other characters was succinct and interesting. The plot thickens, as they say, and I'm off to read part two. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Slow getting here but damned glad I did. I loved this. I recently complimented Djinn for her word smithing abilities...you sir, are her equal! I, too, am surprised, however, to learn that this was intended to be a complete story. Yes, I guess you did go overboard on the mystery because I don't get it...lol. Just for the heck of it..write a sequel so we can get some closure, huh? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM, panamajack! I see you joined almost a year ago and yet, this is your first post? Well, never mind. This was very short, but very action packed and well written. I'm hooked...the sooner you get the next chapter posted, the happier I'll be....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Don't know what I did to deserve all these compliments, but...hey, I like, I love it, I want some more of it! LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I KNOW you were on drugs!! LMAO. Seriously, you really went whole hog on researching this story. I mean...duh-amn! Tell me, please, that you don't do that sort of thing for every story you write! Not a question of whether it was worth the time, you know....was it worth the pain? I need to re-read, but I'll get back to you reference your final question...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Muy bueno, gracias! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Honey...when you get a spare moment or three, would you please update the projects pages so that we can see who has published and who is up? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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That's for sure, one from a true wordsmith and one from a wannabe...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Ahh, Djinn you write so eloquently. Your wordsmithing is pure poetry in prose. I mean it. I love how you can weave a story. This is really wonderfully done. The tense suspense at the beginning, the recollection of grandma's first insult that put hate in her heart for eternity, the battle for Leigh's soul....fabulous...and a perfectly happy end replete with superb visual and dialogue. If I didn't have such a competitive nature, I would concede right here and now....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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A spanking? Promises, promises...lol...kidding! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Hilarious and excellently written story, ChuckNorris! I really enjoyed reading this and I'll be looking for more from you! Welcome to Storymash! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Ooops, that was $10 each paycheck....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Here's my skinny: Approximately 78 chapters posted, over 1300 comments and two paychecks for $10. Not bad, huh? I'm happy. Now, if I could just win a danged contest and rack up one of those one, two or three hundred Dollar checks! Hell, I might retire and write for a living...lmao. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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None taken, Djinn and thanks, for that compliment...;o). I'm really looking forward to your chapter and glad you didn't sign on to say you wouldn't be writing!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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LOL...yessum, verrrry tough competition! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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LOL...thanks, Honey! Did I say I couldn't write romance? Yeah, I probably did because I'd never done it. It was fun! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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You know, I considered that I would be the under- dog in this little scrap, both from the standpoint that Djinn and Ladyvike had already written chapters and the fact that I have never written anything remotely resembling romance...lol. But, as you mentioned, the story has gone in a direction that, especially, Djinn may not have envisioned in her kick off chapter. My speed in responding was due simply to the fact that I had formulated an idea of how I would finish the story before volunteering to take on the close or Honeygloom's contest idea...;o). It was merely a matter of putting it down. And, of course, offense is always an advantage...no? LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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AND.....Not to be hesitant or scaredy-catty, my version of the Romance closing chapter is posted! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Way Cool! Can't wait! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Hey, Djinn, thanks for your vote of confidence. Looks like we are in a duel...lol...with a potential third party (Ladyvike)! I hadn't quite bargained for this, but I truly love competition, especially TOUGH competition...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Much improvement over the first three chapters you've posted. I really like this particular storyline. You've still got some issues with verb tenses and grammar that can be fixed with proofreading, but...you've made great progress! As a next step in improving your writing skills, might I suggest adding a little back story detail. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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This was much better than your first start, but still needs work. So, it wasn't a teenage witch, but a teenage warlock! Fantastic! I'm going to concur with hebe again. The changes in point of view and verb tenses are very distracting. Normally, I don't even mention grammatical errors as, for me, the story is more important. But, when there are too many it makes the story hard to read and interrupts the rythym. What nationality are you? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Late reading...but, you know, better late than never, right? I agree with hebe. The idea is a good one...a teenage witch! I'm going to read the other chapters and comment on the last one. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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OK, I read all the chapters. It was a chore. The tense, narrator that you use leaves much to be desired; because of this there is no rythym to the story. It is hard to follow and confusing. If I got the plot correctly, you've got a relatively good story, but much of it is unrealistic and many of your metaphors don't make sense (to me). I know of only one successful author who can get away with querying his readers (Stephen King) the way you're attempting. Sorry, I couldn't be more positive. Perhaps, if you changed the tense/narrator to first or third person, added accurate details and smoothed out the pace; you'd have a better product. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Man, I could FEEL that cold. I've been there, done that and survived without even looking for the T-shirt. Your description is absolutely precise. Fabulous writing, Ace! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Excellent writing, Sav! I truly enjoy this world and your character Shin-Jen, as well as the wonderfully descriptive narratives and realistic dialogue. I'll sure be glad when you publish more because, at the moment, I can't see the big picture...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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'Nother subject: If theblackhand is truly out of the monster mash, who's replacing him? Whomever it turns out to be...he/she is at the plate. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I've claimed for over a year that I wasn't in the contests for the money; rather, it was the challenge of competition that enticed me. I can hardly back down on this, can I? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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;o) Just felt bad for cheese. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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It's a shorty kind, too...like mid thigh, ya know? Circa 1970 or so...lmao. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Wow! Thanks, WBS. If I were susceptible to blushing ...I would be about now. LOL...I can hardly wait to get my crack at the monster mash, but damn; following you, Cheese and theblackhand will be another huge challenge. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Everyone taking the weekend off? Maybe internet connections are down everywhere but Europe? Has no one noticed that Cheeseliker posted chapter two to the Monster mash? It's been the featured story for over 24 hours....According to the statistics, the chapter has been read 16 times, but only one vote and one comment. Come on folks! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Yea! Hold it...I don't have a white lab coat. Will a faded blue bath robe do? Nope. I'm not starting on the chapter until honeygloom fires the starting pistol, drops the green flag, yells "go" or something equally dramatic. I mean she may have already gotten someone else, ya know? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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LOL....OK, but only after Honeygloom gives the thumbs up. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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WAIT...Wait! I just realized that if ya'll want me to write the final chapter I'll have to follow Ace's masterpiece! You know, on second thought, maybe I shouldn't.... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I would be happy to see either, previously posted ladies conclude the story. If, on the other hand, you want a new voice...well, I probably shouldn't do this; but, it appears that my turn on the "Monster" story will take years to arrive and the "Around the World" project, light years, so... The Romance story does have a supernatural / mystery feel to it...OK, if ya'll agree, I'll finish off the Romance. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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LOL...ahhh, hadn't thought of him! Nope, not a sneak attempt to give away anything, but now, you've peaked my interest even more...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Yeah! A very unique and interesting start to a vampire story. Love it. Again, separate the paragraphs and this time there were several glaring grammatical errors. Still, these were not enough to distract me from your story. Yep, I'm a story guy...it overrides everything else and this is a great little story! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Dang..."petitive" should be "repetitive", of course...lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Very well done, anniemae2u! I really liked how you used the petitive, "never enough" to describe Brenda and her situation. In this first chapter, you made a good start on building Brenda's character and developing the scene before closing with conflict and the beginning of the plot. Excellent! Oh...and, Welcome to SM! I'm sure you'll quickly become a valued member here....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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And your best was superb!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM, drbensina! I just read your introduction chapter and it's fantastic!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Holy Moly, Dr.!! What a fantastic entrance to SM, and welcome, by the way! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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YEEHAW!! Excellent, excellent job, Cheese! Man, I can't say enough about how I loved this chapter. You did it all. In particular, Bies and Ludmilla, you really exceeded the norm in developing their characters. The pace of the chapter was quick but detailed enough to leave no questions, the plot development - perfect and the end - an ideal leave for the next writer. I'm going to read it again...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Uh, gee, Ace...I don't know what to say. Sorry? Ummm....Yes, I'm sorry but, damn, what a fine friggin' feelin' to know that your writing can bring someone to tears....can I get an AMEN, Brother!!?? lmao |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Uh, yeah. I, uh...hmmmm. Listen, you just got about he best critique you'll ever get. Nash is SM's master and the fact that he spent this much time critiquing your story says a lot for you! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Oh, yeah! This story is really starting to develop. I agree with Kiyoshi, you might have combined one and two, but hey, not a big deal at this point. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Hey, Thanks, JadeRose! I truly appreciate that you read the chapter and commented...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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LOL...thank you, Ace! You cried?!?! At the ending?!? Heh....now I know!!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks, Alkamyst! You set a high bar in the opener and my goal was not to let any of the contributors down. If I've "done us all proud", then I've met my goal...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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LOL...thank you very much, honey! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Rendering someone of your writing skills speechless is truly an accomplishment. Thank You!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Echo, echo all the above...;o). In particular as Sav commented..."not much happened, but nothing needed to happen". Almost like a covert military operation you described, perfectly, an all too often enacted scene in the home of an alcoholic without over "showing" and detailed descriptions. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Wow, hebe...thanks for taking the time to read this. It was so long ago, I thought no one else would. Things just seem to go like that here on SM; interest in a particular chapter wanes fairly rapidly...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Like honeygloom I hardle ever read fantasy. I think it's because I haven't read any really good fantasy tales. I am easily confused with strange worlds, characters that I can't really "see", I think. Having said that, a great storyteller will weave a tale, build a world, develop characters that regardless of genre, create a captivating story. Their skill in telling the story (paramount for me) makes everything simple, easily understood and visual. I admire your ability to do all of that seemingly without effort. I'm sold on this fantasy tale and can't wait for more! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Great writing, Aggeloi! I don't know so much about technique, whether writing in the first person versus third or tenth; I don't know so much about the technique of writing a journal, either. I DO know a great story when I see one and a great storyteller when I read one. This is a great story and you are a fabulous storyteller! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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No, I didn't Cheese. My chapter wouldn't have been anything without yours and the other three before...but, Thanks very much for that huge compliment!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Ta-Da-Ta-Da-Ta-Da..... Ladies and Gentlemen - the conclusion to the thoroughly thrilling, decidedly bloody Penny Dreadful Crime Thriller has been posted. Please, for the sake of our younger readers, no foul language and no throwing tomatoes, eggs or any other produce. Thank you. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Well, for better or worse, here's the conclusion of the Crime Thriller. I'm not sure whether I captured the Penny Dreadful style, but I gave it a good try....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Me, too! Chased by a bull, I mean...lol. Fabulous writing Keys!! I admit that, like Ace, I was attracted to the title initially, and by the fact that I'd been intending to read more of your stuff, anyway. Glad I did. I could vividly picture this entire chapter...great!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Savarager, I remember Shin Jen and his world from previous posts and loved them, then. This is really superb writing. Everything that the others have mentioned goes double for me. I was especially impressed by the entire scene between Shan Tu Lek and Shin Jen. Masterfully done... dialogue, narrative, Jen's thought processes... all of it! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Hmmm, can't think of the Bruce Springsteen song that would fit with "scribbling in the dark" but, the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band did a song called "Fishin' in the Dark"...lol You and me, goin' fishin' in the dark' could be Got an idea and I'm scribblin' in the dark |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Ah, yes...very well done. You've still got far too many grammatical errors and I'd suggest some intense proofreading. Having said that, I personally am not so concerned about grammar, unless it's really, really bad...;o). No, the STORY is all important and you have a very good story going here. I hope you'll continue it. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Not so taut as the opening chapter and many grammatical errors. I thought you could have developed these two characters a little more. Still, I'm hooked into the story and off to read chapter three! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Wow! I loved this. You've developed a lethally fabulous character in Terri and opened the story to some fascinating possibilities. Great job! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Ten pages!!!??? Whoo-eee, it would KILL me to whack out ten pages...lol. But, if it fixed the problem - why not? Good to hear that you fixed the problem. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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LOL...that's a great title, I've half a story already in my head! Kidding - about having the story in my head. I went to the tape recorder because I can never see anything (even with a light on) immediately after awakening...it's all blurry and takes a few minutes to clear. By that time, I was usually asleep again! With the recorder I don't even have to open my eyes...;o). I also use the recorder when I'm jogging (nordic walking, actually...very fast nordic walking). I would write a story or work on my novel while walking and then forget it all by the time I was done (alzheimer's?) so the recorder fixed that problem, too. I worried about people thinking I might be crazy, walking around talking to myself but, these days, with bluetooth and all...it's become the norm! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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***third hug****...ooops, scratch that..I don't hug guys (usually). Assuming, of course, that you are a guy (a mystery yet to be revealed.. hint, hint)...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Hey, cheese...rjcharley's writing is right up your alley, man!!! Seriously, you really oughta think about gettin' in on this contest. LMAO. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Welcome to SM! Fabulous writing, Malicy... really. I don't know if was intentional (I want to believe it was); but, you told stories about people's stories within a complete story. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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LMAO.... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks, Ace! Admittedly, my feelings -- out there on the fringes, were beginning to feel the slight sting of rejection, neglect and a smidgeon of snobbery while you continued to ignore me and this chapter -- otherwise occupied with the ladies of SM! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I went back and checked, too. It's gone. It was there the first time I checked...I swear!!!!! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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My "bible" was and remains, "On Writing" by Stephen King. It's written in his unique humorous style and, like "Dummies..." it's simple, but to the point. I just wish I had a better memory so I wouldn't have to continually re-read the poor thing. After, I don't know, fifty or sixty reads it's so dogeared and full of notations, it's falling apart....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Excellent chapter, shadinah!! Like hebe, I especially enjoyed how you kept the tone and pace that nash established, introduced some fascinating new characters and the sub-plots are all perfectly melded into the storyline. As with nash and his tub, you avoided direct description of exactly how the atom smasher was lifted... lol...gotta love that kind mystery. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I had no problem finding it. Couldn't read anything...like reviews and such, but the book cover is exemplary! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Finally, a conclusive statement in this discussion...well, except Honey becoming Czarin and Ace volunteering to eat poison and drown in order be her Rasputin! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I'll have to check out RuthiesClub. I did read what was available of your book online and liked it a lot. I can't remember whether I commented or not and now, can't remember the website it was on...lol...send it to me again? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks, dkk! You're comments are always much appreciated! I hope you'll read the subsequent chapters to include chapter 4 "Rachel Worthington" (the fortune teller's granddaughter). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I'm telling you man, you are the master in this genre...no doubt about it!! Excellent work!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Very, very good! In two relatively short chapters you've created a fabulous character, established a strong plot...AND...introduced the first plot twist with Aunt Mildred. Great job! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Lovely start and I'm off to read the second chapter...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Now that you're back, I went back to see what you'd about a year ago. I read the two chapters here and remember them and the storyline that you mashed here ...that means they were very good...;o). Can't remember, though, why I didn't comment on this one last year. Very well, done! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Well, hey...welcome back! I agree with hebe, this shows promise; heck, I think it shows great promise and wish you'd written more. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Dang...I meant "Messiah" not Malachi in above comment. Why is that in a lot of the stories here (SM), several characters names begin with the same letter? It always confuses me....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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Well....hey, cheese, you put this out pretty quickly. Maybe too quickly? No, but very short. The first half left me thinking...ho-hum, a regurgitation of Cookie; my opinion, but I thought Cookie had served her purpose in this story. You woke me up with the introduction of Maribeth and LeBonespierre up to his old disquise tricks. Excellent. I was also happy to see Malachi coming to life as a real character in this story. I hoped that would be the case because I've planned to use her since Nash introducted her. The whole chapter seems a little like "fast forwarding", likely because of its length. Regardless, you done good, bud and left me with a perfect starting point to close out the story. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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The really great thing about SM is the pressure to produce quickly. When I first started here, I cranked out relatively long chapters in about 20 minutes. They weren't bad - they weren't great; they were good enough to attract the attention of some of the better writers here and through their comments, I got better (I think so) and... I slowed down. Now, over a period of a day or two, I'll actually spend an hour or two writing a chapter. I think you're a very good writer in the making...;o). That you're sometimes unhappy with your own work is normal. Some stories (that we mash) simply don't "sit" right, others are a perfect fit. Whatever you do, don't continue to beat yourself up; take the comments from others, use them as you see fit and write the next story! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 10 months ago
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I don't know what's so hard about stealing an atom smasher...geesh! LOL I've been bitten a few times...no sweat the marks heal quickly....:o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Dang, this project sure died a quick and untimely death! Or is it merely in a coma? Honey, could you please kick some butt? Maybe, whomever is next, (shadinah?) could come on line and tell us she can't get to it right now and the next in line moves up...and on and on until we get a writer for chapter 2. I guess everyone's scared to death at following nash or something? LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I loved this!!! Fabulous imagination, excellent prose, dialogue and characters. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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PS...this story is strong..very! I voted 4.5. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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LOL...NOT a knock, eh? OK, I believe you...:o) However, in the remote possibility that others here at SM may not believe you; Here's why I couldn't imagine the situation as you wrote it. Two young girls are in the woods gathering firewood. One of the girls screams |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Not your best, as you, yourself stated; but, it's not bad and certainly "good enough". I was thrown off, at first, by the word "commissary". Having spent years (and years) in and associated with the military..well, you can understand my confusion...lol. After reading, I looked the word up and in fact, you used it correctly although, truthfully, I think "commisar" would have been a better choice. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I found two typos...so what, I also found a excellent little story...lol. Beautifully written, Ace. I especially liked how you kept Sandy's gender a secret until over half way through. Loved her character! I'd thought that the challenges dkk organizaed were to be complete stories. I've not read them all, but if this is a complete story I'm disappointed because I want to know why everyone evacuated the camp with such haste. The moose? Surely not, or? Regardless, great writing! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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All cool, WBS...at least we know you're still there. Life hits all every now and then...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Thanks, Honey. I'm really glad that I've been able to keep you and a few others interested. More so, because....ummm, he's not doing the reverse telling to learn how he was able to cheat death...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Thanks, djinn! I think I'll post one, maybe two more pieces. After that, if you're interested, I'd love to be able to send you continuations (email). You're comments are always very welcome! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Hey, Peppz, thanks for the comment. Ummm, who were you "talking to" when you wrote this? LOL |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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What's up with the Monster Mash? It's been three weeks since WBScott made published the kick-off! Unless something changed, isn't Ladyvike15 due...you know, no longer in the batting circle but up there at the plate? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I'm putting up announcement for my recently published "Rachel Worthington" here and in the new story (not continued) forum block. Why? Because, although it is a fourth part of the overall project, it is not the following chapter to "One Day in a Life - 3". Makes sense to me. Does it make sense to you? LOL. Hope you'll read and comment. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I'm putting up announcement for my recently published "Rachel Worthington" here and in the continued story forum. Why? Because, although it is a fourth part of the overall project, it is not the following chapter to "One Day in a Life - 3". Makes sense to me. Does it make sense to you? LOL. Hope you'll read and comment. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Took me forever to get here, but damn I'm glad I finally arrived. What a fantastic story, Honey! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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LMAO...I laughed till I cried and then cried till I could laugh again. You are the genius here, HG! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Geesh, dog, that's laying it on pretty danged thick, don't ya think, bud? LOL. The fact that I agree, wholeheartedly, with your comment...ummm, word for word; it's still awfully hard...I mean really hard to concentrate. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Oh, yeah!! You really put the spook back into this story, Ace. Vividly detailed descriptions, like this: "The smoke was already filling the hallway above their heads in a thick blanket, swirling down toward them..." I use this particular example because I think most writer's who mentioned smoke filling a room would not get to the detail that smoke enters, goes straight up, and only after it's covered the ceiling, begins to spiral downwards, forcing clean air out. You were consistently spot on in storyline and the tense narratives and action. Excellent effort...it was well worth the wait! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Man, I'm glad I had some time and went hunting through the new story lists. I don't know how I missed this till now!! As other's have said, you really gave us a solid glimpse of David's mind. Honey's comment about your ability to "get into" and then, show others the thinking processes of a diseased mind is something I've admired in your writing for a long time! Another solid hit, TBH! I'm eager for chapter 2. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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demand, demand, demand, demand, demand, demand, Is that enough demands for ya, Sav? Get to it! LMAO. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Welcome to SM! I know you've been a member for several months, but this is the first you've posted...so, Welcome! I really liked what you've started here, but it was woefully short. Still, in those few paragraphs you fully established an excellent scene and made long strides in developing your characters. Excellent! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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"withdrawl"...lol, you don't miss a trick, my friend. Thanks for the comments. I'm deliberating how much more of this storyline I want to post here. It's a teensy part of a bigger project (a novel) and I don't want to run into trouble with SM over rights. I've been posting these to get an idea of how "acceptable" this kind of story might be. Hmmm, having written that, I suppose I should post a couple of more pieces...totally unmilitary...otherwise, I'll have a skewed data point...right? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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LOL...you do, but don't tell anyone else, okay? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I meant..."punctuated", of course...geesh! lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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LOL...take a breath!! I can't tell whether I would like this or not because of all the super long, non-puntucated, super long sentences. Why don't you re-write this? Use punctuation and separate paragraph's and we'll see what you're up to...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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And it's deeper and fantasticker* than the first two which were pretty damned great! *Don't be alarmed, I'm inventing new words, is all. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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LOL...maybe, sort of, a little bit perhaps but, I'm not telling. One of the "rules" for writing good, believable stories and novels is to "write what you know". So, what do you think, true story or not? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Oh, My Gawd, Djinn!!! This is soooo damned good. Everything about it and one cliffhanger after another. Have you finished the next chapter, yet? Why not!!!! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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LOL...I couldn't figure out how to write Texas speak into her mispronunciation of the word! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Sigh - I need to read more often. I'm always getting to gems like this long after they were published...;o(. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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LMAO....oh, man, you slay me!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Are you kidding me? I'm not messing around with a hockey player!!! Uh-uh, no way. And, bloodthirsty to boot. Sheeeeiite! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Chapter Three - and the last of the Vietnam part -to One Day in a Life has been published. Thanks to all who have been following this story and, thanks, in advance to those who find some time to read and comment..;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Hmmm, "I can handle WWB"...no comment...lol. Here's a tip, though, Ace, seriously: Use googledocs to copy paste from. It doesn't count all the spaces that Word does and gives you way more bang for the buck (like 3 pages more, on average) in the SM writing block. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Writing on the subway?? Well, dang, why'd ya say so? Man, that's dedication...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Tease! LOL....here we are waiting with bated breath and you....two more days!! Just monkeyin' around, but hurry will ya? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Great writing, WBS! As already mentioned, the idea of religion in a futuristic, alien world is certainly unique and thought provoking. Loved it! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Gladly....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Interesting concept, narrating a story in the person of Socrates. I liked how you used the name Attica and linked a couple of Socrates' philosophies. What happens next? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Cherubs and plinths...plinths for christ's sake! I mean, "okay"...like he's, you know, OK...not ON anything or something or, well, you know. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Late getting to this, travelling at the time you posted, I think. Excellent writing, poignant and superbly plotted. I was totally sucked in to the story and loved it! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Hey, Sav, welcome back...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Thanks, Honey...;o). I'm surprised (and pleased) that you remembered the earlier version (RVN 1-3). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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You deserve every word of praise, Djinn. You may be right about some prejudicial folks not reading. Their loss! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Many thanks, Jack! I'm relieved that I was able to keep the story vibrant, without a lot of action. Personally, I avoid or will stop reading a story with too much descriptive narrative. As Ace and I discussed about the use of curse words; here, it's a fine line between too much tell and not enough show, normally not a good thing. Your encouragement is gratifying....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Thanks for the link! Not only was the disney method interesting, but I perused the site and found the metaphor section very enlightening. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I think it's more than okay, it's very, very good. You've captured my attention with an intriguing premise and made a great start in characterizing your narrator. Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Since many of us are experiencing our first forays into Southern Gothic, maybe the laudatory comments are...ummm, misplaced due to a lack of knowledge or experience with this particular genre. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Not sure I can articulate my thoughts on this properly but, here goes: The premise is old, used a lot, but you did add a little something that makes it not so....old/used up..;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Posted "One Day in the Life" a couple of days ago. It's part of a larger project, not a short story, but I'd appreciate comments. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Yea! Can't wait! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Cursing is hard to get right and I often fail. Regarding military, not cursing would sound phony to me...;o) Still, it's a fine line to walk. The fortune teller...she's not a major player and won't be; more of a point of reference I think. Her granddaughter, however, will play a major supporting role...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Excellent start, Neo. To say, "your usual" is not to denigrate your "usual" great descriptive narrative on display here, again. I like the premise, too. As you probably know, by now; for me the story is everything and you've got a good one going here. I'll hope you'll make longer before you post...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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LOL...yup, let's just skip the stalking and push each other and others toward great writing instead. I've always felt a little slimy when stalking anyway! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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LOL....chapter two is up. Not as action packed as the first, I'm afraid, but I hope it continues the good story...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I added chapter two to my recently published "One Day in a Life" story. Thanks to all who contributed such glowing comments on the start chapter...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Such comments - I'm deeply honored. Not just your comment, Ace (although your words really...umm, get to me), it's all of the kind words here that substantiate and feed my goal. That goal is to write stories that people want to read, they can get into what I write and want more. The comments do not expand my ego, they confirm that I'm getting there; I'm becoming a bonafide story teller. And when those words of encouragement and confirmation come from writer's that I personally admire and enjoy reading... well, who could ask for more? Thank you, very much....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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If I may be so bold....I volunteer Dogdeity!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Thanks, Honey....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Thanks, so much, Jack! I was running very long on this one, therefore the rather abrupt ending. I'm loath to shorten, though, as I really want to "pull in" readers that are not familiar with combat (in particular this type) or weapons and the mindset of a soldier. As I've mentioned in response to earlier comments, this is really a part of a larger work so I'll be able to do something to fix the "cliffhangy" (great word..;o) issue! Thanks again, much appreciated. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Yes, I served over twenty years in the Army. It is a bit long, agreed - purposely. I wanted to insure that readers not familiar with the war in Vietnam and/or the weapons I was using, got enough descriptive narrative to feel a part of the story. Readers such as yourself, of course, would not need that much information...;o). Then, too, the "near death experiences" and the "fortune teller" are tie ins to other chapters of a larger piece of work. Thanks, very much for your comments! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Wow, that you printed it off to read is a compliment in and of itself. Thankyou! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Ah...well, I thought that the destruction of his clothes represented the destruction of his pride. I guess my imagination, usually quite active and vivid went on vacation (at least at the end)...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Yeah, I'm also eagerly awaiting my turn in two of the Projects, Around the World and Penny Dreadful x2. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I really, really like this Runner guy...;o). This is a great chapter, Neo, really great. Aside from the excellent writing, you kept a mystery going and you damn well better explain it somewhere...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Fantastic continuation, Jack! Loved the action and the "draw"...;o). You brought in something new, or did I miss it somewhere earlier...the rains heal? Way cool! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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NO!! Say it isn't so!! LOL..thanks...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Fantastic, imaginative writing Jack! I was really into this until the end..when...I..uh.. realized that I...mmmm, geesh this is hard to admit...didn't get it...ugh! Maybe it's a low IQ or maybe I'm just tired, old or a combination of all three, but....damn, I liked this. I just wish I "got it"...;o( |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Dang, I should've read this one first! Actually, I did but age and senility denied me the connection until I re-read this one...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Terrific continuation, nash. You always bring such visual scenes to the table and this was no exception. You also continued the initial chapter beautifully and left an excellent starting point for chapter three. Not up to speed on French custom, shouldn't the (suspected) killer's name be LeBonepierre? Is is customary to drop the "Le, Les or La"? I'm curious. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I can't properly stalk you without having read all of your postings, now can I? There's only two of them, after all. Before I continue to comment on this one, though, let me say that having posted only two chapters in your, what seven weeks here (?); you've made quite a splash with your commenting which, for me, are as educating and entertaining as your stories...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Look down, I commented. I meant to write... I do country ROCK...lol. Gee, maybe there is a chance for a mutual stalking...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Sorry, I'm not a rockstar. I do country. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Wow! Loved this, j_swindell. The voice, the story, the characters, dialogue, twists and sub-plots..lmao...all of it. Wonderful little story! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Very, very good! Some words missing, but didn't distract from the story. Assuming the philo- sophies here are your own...I applaud you. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Hmmm. Guess I'm an armchair warrior. No, I'm not..lol. I loved how you incorporated such insight and philosophy into a fictional set/scene. What is the Disney Method? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Wonderful premise...so where's the story? |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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You've lost me. Where the heck is the story? Don't know where to start? At the beginning, of course, just start writing it...don't worry about grammar, spelling...nothing...just write it and once you're past the start, it'll all come to you...;o). Go for it, it's an intriguing premise! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I cared and glad I did....excellent writing...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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You certainly know your subject and this was a fantastically written chapter. Characterization, drama, dialogue and the story, the ever important story was superb! 4.5 stars. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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GREAT! I'll let myself off easy by simply agreeing, wholeheartedly with Cornelius. Also 4 stars! Oh, and I too, want more...lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Man, I LOVED the action. Admittedly, I was surprised at Rowe's choice of weapons...lol, and how in the heck can anyone dump furniture and move around with all those bullets flying is beyond me; but, you most assuredly hit your target, "mindless bloodbath movie scene vibe"!!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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LOL...great little story! Loved it, especially because I can relate (mmm, somewhat...lol). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Thanks, djinndarme...your comments were exactly the kind I was looking for, would a chapter of this type attract/interest the a-typical reader for this "genre" that usually wouldn't read past the first paragraph. In fact, however, this is part of something bigger and will not long remain in the "war" zone....;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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OK...you succeeded in sucking me in so far that I'm pissed there's not another chapter waiting... lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Yup...still hooked....off to the next....;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Very well done! I love the enigmatic character, Chris. You've built and intriguing storyline that hooked me and leads me to the next chapter.... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Wow...great premise! A little thin on narrative, lots of holes, but you got the idea across regardless. I will always take the "story" over details and grammatical errors and this story was excellent! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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First, let me apologize for not getting around to reading any of your work until now. It must be frustrating to post and get almost zero comments. I would suggest that you read and comment, thereby attracting notice but; I see you've done that. Well, it worked with me....;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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The whole danged thing gets blurry because I wasn't able to separate the paragraphs.... lol...not just you or the font. Thanks for the enlightening comment. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I thought I had the format puzzle figured out. Guess not. I gave up after thirty minutes. I mean enough is enough....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Well done, dkk and I know you are under some duress of late! It was awfully short, though; shorter than the preceeding chapter, which was shorter than the first chapter. At this rate the final chapter will be about a paragraph long...lol. OK, just funnin' wid ya. Very concise and easy to read. You moved the story forward and left a super lead with Andrew diving into the box in her dream! Again, well done! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Fabulous writing mrwolfley! I had the same question about "Saturday"...lol. You've really built the suspense here, your characterization is equal to the excellence you submitted in previous chapters and you've left me begging for a continuation chapter. That's a true sign of outstanding writing! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Well....DUH, Ace!!! No one noticed or, if they did, mentioned it because the danged story is so effin' good it became totally immaterial....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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LOL!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I voted on each of your chapters from "Rules" on but, held my comments for this one as it's the last (so far). I really like your style...easy to read, simple and your characters always appear real. I especially liked this storyline and, although not particularily a fan of this genre, I really go into this one. Very well done! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Dogdiety style with a larger vocabulary...lol. A compliment to you both. Loved this! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Welcome to SM and congratulations on this story start! Very well done! Intriguing and a great leave for follow on chapter or mash. Love the tripod "found near the body"...so the Mexican assassin didn't make it to do himself, huh? Great! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Welcome (belated) to SM, BQB! Albeit very short, you've got a very tense and intriguing start here. Well done! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Nice premise. Title? How about "Sight and Combat Against Magical Creatures"? You really need to spend a little more time wordsmithing and proofreading, but you have excellent ideas and you are developing good pacing. Good job! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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When I went to read other stories by Phenotype-A I noticed that his/her last login was 13 Feb. How could he post on the 26th without logging in? And, his last comment was 3 months ago, ergo my comment...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I agree with Ace. What a novel idea and you did it so very well. My problem, though, is that you posted this awhile back and haven't even logged on to SM since 13 Feb, so the chances of you even seeing these comments are slim. Regardless, liked this one a lot and, like Ace, I will go and read some more of your work...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Excellent research to interweave a fabulous story chapter, nash. Loved how you used Kitty Murine to set the stage and serve as the coordinator for the hunt...very imaginative, very well done. Your eclectic characters, those exposed here and those yet to be; are a pure stroke of genius. Could anyone else have done such a superb job of kicking this story off....probably not...make that definitely not! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I salivated, shook with adrenaline flow and adjusted my trousers while reading this chapter. LOL. Fantastic opening chapter, Alkamyst. You have really set a high bar for the rest of us in this series. Wonderfully crafted characters, a tense, mysterious and erotic opening scene and perfect leave for the next chapter. Extremely well done!!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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For my part, I don't think a re-write necessary, WBS. As Honey stated, the only thing you missed was the time setting. You have everything else in the story and it's very well written. For me...I like it...leave it as is...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Fantastic story start, WBS. Truly. You've designed some very interesting characters, established a superb plot and absolutely held my attention. Can't wait for my turn! My only not so laudatory comment is: Unfamiliar with Penny Dreadful style, I did some research and this first chapter doesn't seem to follow that style. I could be wrong. I probably am. Regardless, again, loved the story start. 4 stars. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Fabulous, dj! I was hoping you'd get another chapter out quickly and you did, a great one. I really like this unique twist to a possession story...genius! 4.5 stars |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Viele deutscher Freunde hier....lol. Falls irgendeine von euch wieder nach deutschland kommt, sagt mir bescheid, wir koennten uns dann treffen und ich wuerde gerne einen bier (oder zwei oder zehn) aus!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Welcome to SM! Beutifully written introduction chapter, poodragon. You kept pace with the original chapter...tone, character's and plot; and, with remarkable style built on the mystery without revealing who or what the bad guys are. I also liked your pace and dialogue. 4.5 stars! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Hey, thanks, WBS! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Writing a death - wow, what a phenomenal idea!! You've put together an excellent first chapter. It has it all...great characterization, great plot, excellent suspense and emotional impact and an absolutely fabulous premise. 5 stars! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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OK, put me down for the first chapter in the monster series....sigh. I'm not familiar with the Penny Dreadful series style so I had hoped to see how the others were doing it. Guess I'll just dig some of those classics up and read them before I start writing. I'll try to get it going within the week deadline, though. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Another "click to claim"...lol. I would like to follow TBH with chapter four of the monster mash. And...chapter 5, yep, the final piece of the crime thriller. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I just looked on the projects page and clicked the link that said, "claim your chapter here." Nothing happened, claim wise. I did get re-directed back to the forum. So...I would like chapter 6 please. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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LMAO |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Beautifully done, dkk. You built a strong character and a mysterious, dangerous and unpredictable world that I'm hoping to read more of. I especially how you kept the unknown... unknown. Although there are strong hints that this could be a zombie story, it doesn't necessarily have to be. I like that a lot. 4 big stars. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Following Ace is becoming a habit...lol. Seriously, I like this a lot...a whole helluva lot. While I see what Ace is talking about, at the same time I didn't miss a preceeding chapter. I assumed that this was something like a prologue and that subsequent chapters will reveal the back stories. As such, I thought this superbly done. 4 stars, solid. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I, too, would like one each monster and one each crime thriller, medium rare and somewhere toward the end of each, please. Thankyou....lol |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Hey, Cheese...I read them all (well, okay, I started skimming around chapter 6). It's not so much online games as it is these "second life" website worlds, or "alternate reality" or whatever they call them. I think the idea for this storyline is really good and if written properly could provide some important insights into the problems that could occur for people who get so involved in these sites that they lose touch with reality. It could also be a great fantasy storyline. Unfortunately, (and I commented on the chapters so) after the first chapter the "drive", the "fire" dwindled and left me rather bored with the lack of plot movement and confusion in story progress from one chapter to the next. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I skipped commenting on several chapters and will do so, now in the final chapter (posted to date). While I think you have a really interesting story that you started off with a bang, but as I read each subsequent chapter I increasingly lost interest. There was no "drive", no suspense, nothing that would normally keep me reading. Spice it up, flesh out a couple of more characters and you'll have a very good piece of work. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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You've now gone from a really good first chapter, through a "ho-hum" second chapter to a jarring third. Opening with the phone call from her fantasy employer, Fiona takes the call completely in stride. How can this be? In chapter one she was amazed and disoriented by the same type of phone call and in between there has been no clarification or resolution to the problem. Your writing is excellent, but I'm having a hard time putting two and two together to make sense of your storyline. 3 stars. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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OK...well done but...didn't move the story forward very far. After chapter one, I would think she would be seriously trying to figure out how a phone call from her fantasy world entered into her real world but....nothing of the sort. This was sort of a throw away chapter, for me. Sorry. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Very, very well done. After the first few minutes in which I waded through the confusion (for me) of what the heck was going on (the first three paragraphs)...I got the gist of the storyline and thoroughly enjoyed it. I breathed a sigh of relief in the last quarter of the chapter as the phone call from Hottilicious came through. Now, I'm with ya! On to the next chapter. 4 stars. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I'll say, "Welcome to SM" even though you've been here since AUGUST!! I all capped that because I see that you've posted several chapters, 8? 10? and you've only gotten one comment on one chapter. Hmmmm.... |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I'm in, please, wherever I can fit...;o) |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Nein, aber ich lebe seit ungefähr 35 Jahren in deutschland...;o). |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Very well done, Neo! Man, this storyline gets better and better, twistier and twistier....lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I'll second all the above...genius, great plot twist and "you're good. Very very good." All on my lonesome I'll add, excellent writing, characterization and sub-plot detailing. Muy excellente und richtig geil geschrieben, BPW! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Fabulous, simply fabulous! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Hot Damn, Mr. Dogdeity!! What a **** rant! What a ****, brilliant rant! The whole way through I'm thinking, "Damn, I could have written this...exactly this, everything..." except of course for one simple little thing. I don't have the talent or the imagination to pull if off...lol. YOU DO. I ain't in love with you, hetero or otherwise; but, I admire the hell out of you, man! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I think you've got a good idea, here. Aside from some grammar and tense issues (which I can never keep track of, so why even mention it? lol); I thought you did a very good job of establishing locale/scene, defining your main character and introducing a problem, the girl. I can see several ways you could go with this: Your protagonist falls for the girl and discovers that she has a secret that he will have to help her solve, or the girl gets into some trouble that he needs to help her with, or Chuck turns out to be the girl's father, or....lol, well lots of things. I like the start and hope you continue or someone mashes it. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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I liked how this chapter started...another perspective from a different part of the country, but I quickly got confused with the repetition. The narrative, itself, quickly became a little boring and, as mentioned, confusing. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Great job accelerating the scene in the library, cheese! Glad you got the priest back into the game, too. Really great job! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Yeah, I read that it was based on a true story. LOL...yep, too, the title should have told me that turtle would be toast, but maybe (had it not been a true story) the narrator would've been toast...no, no, that makes no sense, does it? I see what you mean about the epiphany being present but not stated. I'm actually glad that you pointed that out because otherwise I'd not have noticed it...lol. I'm pretty dense sometimes, enjoying the story without getting too many brain cells involved! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Right on the money Jack! This story was nowhere near dying, but your narrative explanation put an extra boost into the imagination, I think! I foresee a swarm of new chapters hitting this thread...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Not sure, now that I re-read it. Perhaps, a bad choice of words. I guess I was waiting for something "bigger"...the turtles not really dead or the narrator gets some sort of epiphany or, hell, I don't know...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Right, dog! It's really not fair, is it? I think someone should even things out a bit... hmmm. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Yeah, I know! After I posted, I thought..."hold it, hold it, stupid! Nash's priest was zombie POV!" Alas too late to change (posted) and too late to add additional comment (tired and went to bed). I hope nash didn't take it too hard...lol. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Excellent job, BD! A little short (for me) but you brought the story back to where dogdeity left it and, best of all, provided the perfect lead back to the priest! Bravo! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Yup...about time someone got around to the zombie's POV. Good job! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Great mash, RG! I, too, like how you've broadened the scope. Very well written, you kept the tone/voice constant and introduced two interesting characters....good job! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Another home run, dog! I thought the length, including the back story, was perfect. Man, this one has taken off like a rocket...lol. I hope I can still get in somewhere. Off the read the next three mashes...geesh! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 11 months ago
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Excellently written, imaginative, descriptive and entertaining. The end was, for me, a bit anti- climatic; but, I really like this story. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 12 months ago
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Welcome to SM! Fabulous writing. You've built a fascinating world and inhabited it with well designed and interesting characters. Excellent work and I'm looking forward to more. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 12 months ago
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LOL...a critic I ain't, that's for sure. I was so engrossed in the story that I didn't even notice the "nits" that Ace covered. Once again, your descriptive writing, detailed scenes and plotting made everything else invisible (to me). Another fabulous piece of writing! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 12 months ago
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Loved how you built this story...amazing, entertaining and so very realistic! A roller coaster ride that, I hope, will continue soon. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 12 months ago
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Interesting start. Well written, of course. As I continue to read your work, I'm amazed at the breadth of your international knowledge and flair for details of a variety of locations. Experience or research? Regardless, well done. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 12 months ago
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After reading "....Wake of Mrs Wu" I thought to check out some of your other postings. Sure glad I did. This is absolutely professional writing at its best! I loved the premise (one that I personally endorse; beings from elsewhere influencing events on earth, the light and the dark) and really enjoyed how you've portrayed it. Silas is a great character, expertly crafted, sympathetic and very interesting. Great, great work! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 12 months ago
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Excellent writing, keysersoze and welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 12 months ago
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Great mash, cheese! Liked how you took off on bean's premise of eating the living's brains and "absorbing" intellect. If I remember correctly, zombies are killed by head shots which could ruin the prized tongues, no? I mention that because your choice of the M4 Carbine is excellent...small bore, high impact bullet! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 12 months ago
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Never woulda thunked it, nash writing a zombie mash...he do the mash, he do the zombie mash..lol. Good job, changing POV, inventing a zombie priest and the last sentence "....time to prey." Excellent. |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 12 months ago
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Dog, you continue to amaze and your fan base is surely growing exponentially; but, I remain your number one fan (at least in my own mind...lol). Nash's determination of style or story that most impresses holds no water with me. I love both equally. You da MAN!! |
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writerwannabe 2 years, 12 months ago
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Fabulous imagination, superb writing. I'm envious of your talent. Actually not, but I am certainly awed by it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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Fantabulous writing, Bean!! This whole project was superbly done, great writers doing great writing and your close out chapter was absoutely perfect!! BRAVO! |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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A little too brief even for a prologue. I think I got your premise...a series of unexplained murders in which there are no apparent signs leading to the cause of death. But, you kind of killed off your own premise. You identify a body with "blood flowing from sever(al)spots"...."every single bone...broken" and then you shot it all down with "no signs of trauma". This is a huge lack of verisimilitude. Lack of truth or being real. Blood flowing from several spots; there has to be holes, slashes, cuts, something that allow the blood to flow, i.e., trauma. Every bone broken and no sign of trauma? OK, you could have said that the blood was flowing from every pore in his skin and the body was flat, as if every bone in his body had been pulverized, turned to powder or just left it as a mystery...which an autopsy would reveal. |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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"Show don't tell"....djinndarme beat me to it...lol. Again, you do that extremely well! |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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My apologies for the late comment. I was travelling when you posted and, although I read it, I didn't have time to adequately comment. So, here 'tis. |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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It occurs to me (late as usual) that your comment, bemused, was not directed at my comment...but, to the original writer. Geesh, sometimes.....lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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Good start. I think you've established your character quite well and set up the plot for a good mash. Good job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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LOL...really? No, not me. I belong to small portion of the population that is always busy, always happy! |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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Great writing, Sav!! An excellent display of "show don't tell". Love it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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Well, I think you just wrote about a day in the life of a large portion of the American population (at least those that have nothing else to do on a Saturday and Sunday) and got it pretty much right. But, where's the story, where's the plot, where's the action? It's a very good essay, but I'm not so sure it's a very good story. |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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Wow! I really, really liked this after I got past the "tense" confusion...lol. So, I'm not used to reading in what...second person? Hell, I don't know. I love the premise, the dialogue, the mystery and the options for a mash. Great job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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Very creative and well done, Savarager! Loved it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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You hit that nail squarely on the head! Great "rant". Should be mandatory reading for at least half the population. I'm glad I got to read this! |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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I think it matters not whether anyone liked the reference to Fight Club or not. It had little impact to the story either way. I would have liked a little more, but I think you have a very good premise and you gave enough character definition for a mash to expand upon. Good job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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I liked the idea of the detectives "telling" the story and some of their dialogue was superb. Overall, though, I wasn't satisfied. I've read much better work from you, dkk. My primary nit falls into the category of unrealistic, and the lack of realism occured several times. Paramount was the use of cameras. They seemed to have cameras everywhere (specifically where you needed them). Even if these cameras were present in the chapel it's highly unlikely that the police would (could) enable a van with several cops, a detective AND the Captain all gathered around watching film. At the end, the uncertainty of which of the Malone brothers was "falling" out of the chapel was off base. They didn't look anything alike. One was a big hulk of a guy and the other smaller than average. The police seemed to be using only film...if one of the brothers fell to pavement (presumably dead), wouldn't they have examined the body? Although I agree with Cheese about not explaining everything, leaving it the way you did was....well, unsatisfying and left the chapter sadly lacking in comparison with at least four of the five character chapters. The old cliche, "don't expect too much and you won't be disappointed" is my problem. I expected a superior piece, so now, I'm disappointed. |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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Still traveling. Still limited internet, but... |
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writerwannabe 3 years ago
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Hey, man....fantastic chapter doesn't get it. It's way better! Only a few minutes of computer time, no time for details, but wanted to let you know that I'd read your piece and loved it, absolutely! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Yeah, Cheese, like finding your soul mate....;o). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks, DJ! Better late than never....;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks, Neo and mrwolfley. I've been so involved lately that I haven't been able to get back to this one. You're always welcome to mash it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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LOL...geesh, braggart! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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You're welcome. I don't know when the next contest will start but, if you want to jump into the fray of one of the projects, I'm sure you'll be a welcome addition. I think they still need writer's for the Medias project. Just go to the Projects page and follow the instructions. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Way cool! So, dog, you got like an hour or two to meet the deadline for Vegas....LMAO. Just kidding...sort of... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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As a musician you'd think I'd listen to music while writing, too....NOT. I find myself paying more attention to the music than concentrating on the story. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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YES!! I sure hope HG takes you in, dog! Cheese just created an opening but I don't know who else might be on the alternate list. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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So, dang it, Neo...post this and get on with the next chapter, willya! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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LOL...OKAY! Disregard my comment on previous chapter about where the heck you've been. With this chapter you've continued your exemplary writing skills and the story has gotten better (if that's even possible). Once again, you've perfectly described characters that I can totally relate to (not necessarily with fond memories) and deepened my interest in the "rest of the story". Don't wait so long to post chapter three....please! 5 stars. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Damn, I wished I had seen this sooner. Regardless, this is absolutely superb writing! Great characterization, plot and narrative. Man, I recognized each character and emphathized with the boys. I cheered aloud when Alex back slapped the bitch mother. Fabulous! Now, where in the heck are you and why aren't you contributing anymore? 5 stars. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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B. - I hear you. Truth is, I normally don't use fifty cent words. Heck, I have to look 'em up myself but, I wanted to do something different with the title so I looked up synonyms for "multiple conspiracies" and thought that "multifarious chicanery" sounded cool...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Ah... I was truly mystified by what you meant -- now I know. Well, what to say...lol. I know that other's used the term "baby" or "babe" and for me, it's natural. Maybe out of place here and I couldn't begin to rationalize it for you. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Oooops, didn't mean to step on your toes, Katrina. Certainly, you should be the one to adjudicate, investigate as the case may be. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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LMAO...how cool is that!!! Ya, gotta love it!! Ah, the irony. Especially neat that you stood up for her, now! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Hmmm. I appreciate your comments about the dialogue but, obviously, I disagree. Robert, unused to these kind of situations would not know what to say, so he would be brief. Maribel, conversely, would be brief due to urgency. If that's what you were referring to. I've seen a lot of movies, read a lot of books where the characters lines were very similar. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Not bad. As already mentioned, breaking up the paragraphs and dialogue will go a long way. As I reader, I generally don't read anything written as you've done, it's simply too hard on my old eyes...lol. I did read this one, though. You've got a good premise and good dialogue. You could "highlight" your characters thought processes, expand on them and make them stand out. This will increase the interest of your reader and tell more story. Very good first entry....keep going! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Yup, I've seen that same story several times via email. I don't think there's much that can be done about it, other than what you've already done...comment that only original work should be posted. Things posted on blogs and in email are technically classified as "public domain", i.e., anyone can take it and use it as their own. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Cool! Can't wait! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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That is a good idea. I'd suggest though that you bounce it off Honeygloom as a project! Instead of defining versimilitude, though, title it "Verisimilitude - Lack Thereof". Writer's have one week to submit a character description, no longer than two sentences. The plot is a cross country race East to West to capture a prize of a million dollars. Method of transport immaterial and no rules, no morality or ethical guidelines. Interim checkpoints in Chicago, New Orleans, Tulsa, Santa Fe, Las Vegas. End station Los Angeles. HG picks 10 characters. Writers sign up to be one of the characters and write chapter in sequence of sign up. Hmmm, needs more thought, I think....lol. A good start point, though. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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LMAO! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks, Aggeloi. I appreciate your comments, always! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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You're right and thanks for the explanation. I agree. I do tend to leave the internal feelings out. Well, heck, practice, practice, practice...lol. Oh, and thanks for the compliment, too! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Is Cheese up next as Todd? What's his due date? Hebe got hers in so quick after mine, I've lost track. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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This is fabulous writing, Savarager! Seriously, publishable, excellent writing. I loved it and want more! 5 stars. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Yup, new word I just learned and need to use frequently so's not to forget!! LOL. Well, a little bit anyway. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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LOL...not extensive experience..just the one time, long ago and far away when I was a juvenile delinguent! But, I remember that occasion well. Thanks for the explanations, makes more sense to me and I appreciate that you took the time. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks for the comment and vote, Foo. Hmmm, "I do wish you'd lengthened it some, elaborated here and there." Action over explanation, right? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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What's it called, "writer's license"? Yep. Oh, I know and I'm a little mad at myself for getting so picky with you and several others in this round. I'm certainly no "grammar nazi" as shad and agg profess to be and can't comment much on the mechanics of a story. But, I am a strong believer in verisimilitude and when writing about something that I'm not at least a little bit versed in, I research it. Like you, though, I always choose action over explanation...lol. Maybe I'm just getting frustrated with myself and letting it out on others...;o( |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Cool T-shirt and website! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Same here...Romance! Yuk. I don't think there's anything that would entice me to write a romance story, chapter or essay again. I've tried. Really, really tried, but when I was finished it was total mush. LOL. Sci-Fi is another. I'm simply not smart enough to write in that genre, although given enough incentive I would try my hand, depending upon the subject, of course. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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How did Maribel know it was Wilkes that called from the car? She'd only heard his voice on the phone...enough recognition? Hmm. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Another great entry, Foo! While I agree with Aggeloi's kudo's - Big Bird crapping fuit loops, vivid description of Pete's face burned and shot; I can't agree that not covering significent loose threads is okay or ignored by most others. For some reason, in this round, I have a thing about verisimilitude or lack thereof. In your case, there are a couple of instances I find hard to believe. How could Robert, twenty feet behind Maribel see the figure crouched in a corner and she couldn't? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Beautiful, error free writing is a constant in all of your writing and it was evident here. The bits with the frog and the frowny slip were genius. What the chapter lacked, in my humble opinion, was versimilitude in a couple of places: |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Great job, Cheese! I liked the action and the no-nonsense, kill or be killed Maribel. Although you didn't cover some of the bases...Lockley and Wilkes, for example; they weren't missed because of all the action. I didn't care much for the ending, either. It seemed a bit rushed and unsatisfying. That aside, the writing was very good and I voted you 4 stars! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Oh yeah: You've got the time..go for it!!! (I hope not to regret that cheer...lol). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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"'Course, not all these questions need be addressed." Right, many of them have been Overcome by Events (OBE, as they say in the military). Subsequent chapters, in many cases, led the story away from those issues so you're left with, essentially, solving only those problems in the immediately preceeding chapter. You're also correct in that character count restricts adequately addressing all of the hanging plot points. I think that I covered all of them except the "dead by Friday" riddle. That particular plot point, I thought, was long time OBE and no longer on my radar screen. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Great start! Excellent dialogue and narrative. The plot thickened very nicely. I see you've already posted another chapter... off to read it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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PS...I forgot to add. Using your own language does not relieve you of grammatically correct writing....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Welcome to SM. For an eleven and a half year old, this is very well done! I like your idea and this could turn into something really good. A Tip: Write in your language without explanation. Kids these days have a whole different lingo than when I was 11. Use it and don't explain the meanings for us old folk. You'll develop a readership base of peers quickly and the older readers will either accept your style and language or not. Most will, even when they don't understand a word or two. ;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Fantastically written! Mechanically perfect (at least to my not so well trained eyes). Beautifully done narratives and dialogue. I had some problems with the plotting. How would Robert know that the FBI had been experimenting with tonal hypnotics and what their effects were? The whole concept of this, in several places through the chapter, were confusing to me. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks for the high vote and comments. Wilkes and co. entered the office simply by walking through the string of offices beginning with the Principal's. Initially, Maribel was watching that way but had become distracted with Pete's admission to gassing the children and the appearance of Jake and Amy. Robert realized that Wilkes had been right about the Society being nothing more than a "benign organization" of philanthropists that would be unable to assist him with the full might of government agencies on his trail. Thanks, again! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Excellent writing, vjorden! With one plot exception, this followed the opening chapter very well. You also did a super job of "show don't tell". The exception is that you described the korkan as hungry. Would it steal the girl's clothing first? Perhpas, if that was part of its intent to create abject fear in its victim and meal, but at this point, that's not readily discerned. Aside from that, excellent job!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Beautifully written and as DKK stated, I wouldn't change a word. This is "show don't tell" at its finest. Fabulous leave for following chapters or mash. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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I'm sure I've stated elsewhere that these kinds of stories aren't my "thing". Geesh, I think you've converted me! Wonderfully written. I especially like how you set the stage, led up to the climax with poignant prose and defined all the characters enroute. Excellent writing! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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I'm not much into these kinds of stories and normally would've passed on this one, too. However, you got me in the first paragraph and after that the writing was simply too good to stop reading. Isn't that what the great writers do to their readers all the time? Yessum, it is! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Excellent writing DKK! Fast paced (as a racing story should be..lol). I've done a lot of racing but not NASCAR style or oval, rather, open wheeled, road courses in Europe. Anyway, only one thing threw me off. Checkered flags mark the end of the race not green flags, or maybe you meant something else with "the green flag waved them in....:. Great job of setting the initial scene. Lots of room for development of both characters and plot, everything from the friendship of Frank and Robbie to rivalry among Robbie, Sam and Lance. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Ahhh, explains some. I'll tell you, though, Hunter is a very interesting character. Just my opinion, but I'd eliminate that "last time I saw..." sentence and bring him back somewhere down the road. Several of us are extreme procrastinator's that's why SM is so good for us. Contests, projects and other's eagerly awaiting our next shot...lol. It works for me. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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This is fabulous, DJ! Normally, such a short chapter would be "incomplete". Not this one. You hit all the salient points of plot and character build so succinctly that nothing... absolutely nothing is missing. Additionally, the shortness and expertise of this piece leaves your reader, especially me, salivating for more and the sooner he better!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Just when I think the fog is dissipating you introduce a new name, twist an established character around and never miss a beat...lol. OK, not so much Thompson as Burroughs or..yep, Kerouac. Love it. I assume you intend these essays to someday become a novel? I hope so. I'm sure it'll be great. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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I liked the pace, the style and the confusion.. ala Hunter S. Thompson. Presumably, much of what djinndarme commented on will get cleared up in subsequent chapters. What I don't understand is that you drew me in with the first sentence and in the middle of the chapter stated that that was the last time you saw Hunter; thereby eliminating a main character in the first chapter. OK, maybe I'm dense...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Many thanks, RedGreene and Welcome to SM! I haven't had a chance to read your postings, yet; but, I will get to them soon. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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LOL....no, actually I was only wondering who and when someone would! You win! I noticed it as soon as I checked after hitting the publish button and I've been kicking my own butt over it, since. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Somehow, I get the feeling your heart wasn't in this one. Several "un-nash-like errors", paramount the name change of Pete to Paul and back again. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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You are one very brave writer, dkk!! I won't preempt Honey, but you've got the right idea, I think. Looking forward to reading your conclusion. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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FINALLY! I knocked nash's socks off. Time to open a bottle of Champagne!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks, nash! The similarities are remarkable. Not saying that it happens, folks read the entries and formulate ideas; but, for the record mine was the first entry....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Whoaaaa! I thought I had a reputation for wierd twists and turns in a story, but you have flat taken over the lead in that category! Never would I have thought of this kind of ending. This is well written and fabulous in its surprise ending. Great work! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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I have to echo's HG's comments reference the name change - very distracting and the lack of narrative reference Todd's being a "sucker for a puppy lover with a nice ****" and Lacey's intended profession. I liked (a lot) your use of my earring bit and how you intertwined parts of the Priest's dialogue into your chapter. In my chapter I thought that I needed to say something (a small hint, maybe) about a reason for Lacey being the target in the kidnapping, but as the Priest I couldn't know. In my own mind, I had the idea that, though she was a student, her family was wealthy. I don't know if that came through in my chapter but, you picked up on that idea and dropped several strong hints in that direction. Excellent. I also thought you portrayed Todd well, alluding perhaps to him actually being a part of the whole scheme...very interesting! I think a little more "courting" would have been good and perhaps, some conflict within Lacey. As is, she comes across pretty whimsical. Not that that isn't A-OK, I mean anyone that ups and marries like that has to be a little bent that way, right? LOL. Again, agreeing with HG, you do very well with dialogue and over all, I thought you did a very, very good job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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JCW - I think you've got a great idea and, it seems that several others do as well. I would add that I am writing a novel that is not mainstream and will have hard time getting published even if it's good enough. It's a story that's been my passion for several years and whether it sells or not....don't mean jack to me. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Moved my vote for ya! Great job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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LOL...yup! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Welcome to SM! This is great writing! You pulled me right in and kept me there to the end. Unfortunately, the end came much too soon. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Holy Moly, Sav! I don't know where to start. So many brilliant twists in the plot, such an unsatisfying ending; I'm confused and finally, let down. Sigh. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks, Savarager! I think most of those typos and grammar errors are in the last quarter of the chapter. I proofread the first 3/4's about a zillion times and the last 1/4 only once. Still, even with proofreading I miss some goofs. I should probably go back to school or at least take English 101, 102, 201 and 202 again!! LOL |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks, ladyvike! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Savarager...I followed wolfram's advice and switched from Word to Googledocs. It works beautifully. It's also a free, web-based word processor. I was amazed at how much more I can write and how easy it is to copy/paste into SM's submission box. I'm doing all of my SM work there, now. Try it, you'll like it!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Glad to see that you didn't take my comments personally. Happy New Year to you, too! I've only got about six hours to go...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks, Honey. Yeah, I wanted whomever gets the wrap-up to have the option of playing him as a good or bad guy. Homo sex with a minor is surely among the most despicable of "sins" but, there are, as with most things, shades of gray and two sides to every story. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Welcome to SM! The mechanics and grammar were well done but, you left too many questions unanswered in this, the last chapter. What happened to Pete? You introduced a new character, Jimmy, who probably should be Jake? Who were Pete and Maribel working for if not the FBI? Sorry, this chapter didn't do much for me, but I hope to see more of you here on SM....;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks, all. In retrospect, wolfram, you're right, a straight confessor would've been more realistic and effective for the story. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Both of you teeny-boppers are welcome here...LOL I've posted Chapter One: Father Jonas Weismann (The Priest). Comments are, as always, welcome.. just (try to) be nice....;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Hey, Cheese...not much to comment on here...yet. Looking forward to more and the rest. Make sure you proofread! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Long time, no see! This was beautifully written. You did a great job continuing the story and maintaining the "tone". I really like your writing style, in particular the narratives and dialogue. My nits here are: About 3/4's of the way you changed Pete's name to Fred and; as well as you wrote it, I simply couldn't buy the premise of the Society vs the FBI. I voted 4 stars because it's so well written. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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PS...No need to rush. The really big guns around here will likely not post before the 3d or 4th of Jan. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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You have until the 6th to submit a revised chapter or a totally new one. The 7th is community voting day and the winner will be announced on the 10th of January. Good Luck! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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You may not have noticed that the deadline for this round was extended 10 days...lol. I just noticed myself, the other day and because of that went back and revised my chapter. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Two paragraphs before the first **** line. Actually, I just re-read and that's the only place you missed replacing Richard with Robert. The other name mix up I referred to was Maurice. Who is he? Maybe I missed his character in previous chapters? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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I see that you wrote this revision in about an hour (or less) and I'm sorry to say....it shows. Yep, you fixed some things, but there remain several glaring errors involving name mix-up, etc. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Somehow I missed your entry into SM and reading your chapter in the last round of this contest. Well...Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Greetings from Germany and welcome to SM. I'm sure you'll find exactly what you are looking for here. I'll be happy to read your postings here and comment accordingly. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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I would challenge HG for champeen procrastinator! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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I revised and posted this chapter. I'd appreciate if you would transfer your previous vote to the Revised Chapter. If not..that's okay, too...;o). Future readers and judges, please do not comment or vote on this version of the chapter. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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The (over) generous extension left me no choice..lol. Please comment and vote on this chapter only. If you've a mind, please transfer your votes from the original "Multifarious Chicanery" chapter to this one. Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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My inspiration comes primarily from television news, newspapers or an event in my life that I can "blow up". Here, my inspiration comes from other writers. Of course, the "what if" question is a large part of all the above...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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My first opportunity to welcome you to StoryMash, so, Welcome! Very interesting twist you put on this closing chapter. I liked it a lot but think you could have expounded on several of the major plot points a little more. I think that overall your writing skills are evident and mostly, this is very well written. What suffered some is the story. I can't explain the "eaches", but I got to the end "unfulfilled". |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Agreed - the holidays will surely have interrupted the writing process and an extension of the deadline is not a bad thing. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Well, I don't know where to start..the good or the bad? I think the good. I liked how you worked in twenty-one grams! I like how you mix dialogue with action narrative. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Sorry...I had hoped to have The Priest done by Christmas Eve, but I'm going to need a few more days. Familial responsibilities over the holidays has (and will continue) to limit my time. I will try for sooner, but would like to have until Monday, noon, eastern time. I'm about 3/4's done but don't want to rush the end of the chapter. OK? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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PS...I have little experience with publisher's/ agents of books and tons of experience with agents, publishers, A&R managers and recording companies of music. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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As far as I know: |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Another excellent chapter in this story, joyridefan. I must admit I didn't enjoy it as much as the first, but that was likely due to the lack of action in this chapter. You countered that with some essential background and character development and set things up nicely for the next chapter. The appearance of the spider and it's mysterious actions are intriguing and genius in design. Very, very well done! 4.5 stars. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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LOL...thank you for the clarification. As they say, "curiosity killed the cat; satisfaction brought him back." I am alive and well....;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks for your comments, Pseudotsuga. Yes, more violent, but I think you'll see all of the entries go that way in this final round. The conflicts all come to a head and violence is practically pre-ordained...lol. I don't understand "fights are cumbersome...clunky." I thought I kept them quick and clean...can you elaborate? Certainly, Maribel should (is) be shocked that the NSA allowed the children to be gassed; however, at the time, she's looking down three weapons and a threat to take Amy and Jake so her priorities, both in thought and action address the immediate threats (I think). As usual I exceeded the character count and had to do some extensive cutting to fit within the limit without taking away from all that I wanted in this chapter. Thanks, again! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Loved how you went back and captured the "real" beginning. Great descriptives, dialogue and character build. I have to echo the others and say that my only nit is... I wanted more!!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Great writing, here. Sorry, for the long delay in getting around to reading. I thought you did an excellent job taking off from HG's start. You developed George very well and set up the antagonist beautifully. Great plotting, great leave. Well done! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Oooops. I intended only checking my character count..and then, couldn't get this draft off although I erased the entire block. Well....lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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ladyvike15...not to get personal, but curiosity is one of my -- ah -- vices? Addictions? Whatever. Ummmm, you wrote, "most of my ex's...". How many would that be? I mean, you're like, still in high school, right? I mean, I was like, trying to do the math and it would have to be a minimum of three ex's (one who wasn't a fan of shoot em ups; two more to make a majority). But, the way you wrote that sentence, I got the impression it was more...maybe five or seven. Surely no more than seven!?!? Hey...I'm just funnin' with ya...LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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One more thing. I assume we post as a mash to the Las Vegas Wedding start scene? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Okie, dokie....I got it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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I've been doing some thinking...ok, I heard that!!!!!!! LOL...we write our character before and through the start scene, right? So, there will be five different versions of the start scene. How can anyone figure that out? Essentially, the last writer will have to take all five "start scenes" and wicker them together which will negate half of the writing of the first five. Or, am I being especially dense? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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What a fantastic tribute. Lovely, heart warming and concommitantly, heartbreaking! I hope your mother reads this! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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I read the chapter thinking, scratching my head, Honeygloom wrote this? Now, I got it and I want to play. I want to be The Priest! When does the week start? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Congratulations, Wolfram! Excellent writing, well deserved win. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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I posted a new story start, The Game and a follow on to the several months old start chapter Biker's Haunt, with Biker's Haunt 2. I posted it as a story start because, otherwise, it wouldn't have been seen...lol. Heck, it still hasn't been seen much. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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A Glorious and Triumphant return to SM! Welcome back, ShadowedPen. Remarkable writing to say the least. Intriquing, tense, excellent characterization...I can't say enough...lol. My only nit....gotta wait for the next chapter!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Wow! Excellent, excellent writing, Neo. I love your style. Great descriptive paragraphs, believable dialogue and wonderful plotting. My only nit is toward the end when Chris, already nervous about the basement, still doesn't jump and run when 20 minutes have passed and June is still gone. Even absorbed in his pizza, his character thus far would have dictated maximum 6 minutes and he would be down the stairs (I think). Great ending, though, with the bang of car collision on the TV, undercut by a woman's scream! I particularly like the second paragraph and the sentence, "The walls were chipped and peeling; sloughing off like an old sunburn." Fabulous job! Can't post a vote, but it would be 5 stars. Since you haven't posted, yet; you can still fix the typos. Nothing serious, but should be done. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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I forgot. Can't vote until you publish...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Welcome to SM! Great start here. Good character builds, in particular the shrink. Understandably, you're still building your protagonist and what you've shown so far is very good. Introducing his interest in stargazing is a nice piece that heightens the interest in the story. What could stargazing have to do with the death of his fiancee and subsequent visits to the shrink? Cool premise. The only down side I noticed was in the first two paragraphs (not a good place to find same). Great description of the sun setting and introducing the protagonist on the "street below". In the next paragraph he's in an office. Jarring. Very. Some readers would stop right there. Overall I liked it a lot and I'm interesed to see where you or someone else goes with it. 4 stars. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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You're already busted, Cheese! The "authorities" receive, by very special delivery, every...yes, every...comment made on this site. Spying is what, 25 to life? LOL |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Louise asks "You were about...." to emphasize to Ms B that she could read her mind. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Honeygloom and Aggeloi - Thank you both for the constructive critique and comments. Rather than try to explain reasoning, etc., I'll just say that the errors and plot goofs were (mostly) the result of having to cut the chapter almost 10K characters before I could post it. I really appreciate that you both liked the idea of this chapter. Thanks again. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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I don't know about Wolf (I picture lawyer types as a little to a lot pudgy). Being an athlete, military type I look great in bikini bottoms..lol I don't have the ads you mentioned. I have amazon.com and neu.de (a european dating site!). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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;o)...not Berliner, European and standard military: |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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LOL..Yup, makes no sense. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Oh, and I hate to do it, I really do..but 12:59 a.m.? Maybe 00:59? LMAO. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Ah, Wolf, I disagree. It is NOT clear that 11/15/08 UTC is 2359 hours! In the TSNK contest, I submitted a chapter that was well within that timeframe...something like 6 hours (because I assumed exactly what you do). It was late. Paraphrasing the explanation I received from SM: "The actual time deadline is arbitrary so that we can eliminate cheaters." I didn't understand that, then; I don't understand it now (damn, I'm getting good with semi-colons, what?). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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They posted the Community Voting Day, Wolf...an announcement; but, it didn't generate much, if anything. Now, we are all in the dark until 16/12/08 UTC whenever that is...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Just for arguments sake, I'd like to address the time zone being used by SM. Unless I'm mistaken, UTC is Greenwich Mean Time. For those unaware, that's the basis for all time and it starts on a longitude line that runs through Greenwich, England. East of that line, the time increases in one hour increments and West of the line, the time decreases in one hour increments. Currently, for example, if it's 1200 hours in Greenwich, it's 1300 hours in Berlin, Germany and 0700 hours in New York. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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So, for all practical purposes this round of the contest is "all over but the crying"....;o), and now, I want to address nashvillebecker's critique for the record, so to speak: "Could the kids possess and harness that level of power? Not only reading thoughts, but implanting visions in others? To your credit, you don't half-**** it. I'm not sure how teleportation, telepathy and telekenesis jive (besides the prefix), but you believed it and tried to sell it." Thanks! "Not a fan of the recap in your third paragraph.." "If it will happen, isn't she destined to make it happen? Can you avoid your destiny, even by altering the runway? (Oh, my head hurts.)" "Louise sounds...OK, let's cut the crap"...Yep, big boo-boo there. Thanks. "I like the damming...." Thanks! "Watch the verb tense"...yep. Thanks, again. While the kids understand "mind over matter", opening locks and starting cars are tricks that likely wouldn't be taught to the kids as Robert would think such things irrelevant. I think. Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it! ;o) "The ending felt abrupt..." I disagree with your interpretation that Lou is the ringleader. She, Jeremy and Todd are Robert's hachet men, nothing more. The next chapter could have developed that relationship more; but, of course, there won't be a chapter following this one...;o( No, sir. We're sorry but layaway has been cancelled due to lack of interest...lmao. All in all, great critique, nash; I appreciate it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Well, you know me, Cheese....always trashing a standard storyline! Seems not to have generated much interest, though. That's okay, I kept my mind in its usual state of being bent out of shape... practice, practice...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Thanks, Cheese! Believe or not, this first part of the story is based on a real life experience. I won't tell you which character I am. Oh, hell, why not? None of them and I think I'll keep it that way...;o). Of course, anything following is no longer true story...mostly...not...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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I really need to proofread my comments...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 1 month ago
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Not our normal writing genre, not my normal reading genre; but, dang, this is hot writing! You did an excellent job of establishing your main characters and provided a "mystery" with the smile. As others have mentioned this could go in a lot of directions...just what SM is made for. Excellent job, mcnellism! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Really good job, Foo. You really tied up all the clues and some that I wouldn't have noticed...lol. Great development of Robert's character. I was surprised to read what you did to Maribel's though. I guess I'm opposed to her being a pawn and on the weak side, at this point. But, that's just me..it didn't detract from the storyline you wove. I had a very lengthy monologue in my first draft about quantum mechanics..lol. Two things eliminated it...first nash read it and suggested the ax and then, while trying to post the final, SM's 36000 character rule gave me another nudge toward the ax...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Great work, Cheese! I really like how you plotted this out from the previous chapter and the leave was perfect. Although I wouldn't have Robert turn in to such a cry baby, you did an excellent job with him. Same with Maribel. Started her off all mushy and the more she heard the more bad **** she got. Great job! 4.5 stars |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Wolf, this is superb writing. Truly. I started reading, Maribel melting into Roberts arms and thought...now effin' way! You know women well, I think. Then, she gets mad, she gets linebacker tough and I thought...YES, that's how I see her. And Robert. Man, no way did I expect him to turn out such a nice guy, a really good guy caught in the sticky web of life and power brokers. Talk about a roller coaster storyline..wow. Oh, and in case that wasn't enough, you filled it with beautifully written prose, spot on dialogue and really believable science fact. I'm not waving the white flag..there's still our lovely judges to consider...but, I've got it handy. 5 stars! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, wolf. You know, it didn't occur to me that Louise would/could know about the bus stop because of her powers. And really, I don't think prognostication would necessarily be an ability to them. From Ms B's POV, she knew about the bus stop, they were laying for her, ergo..Wilkes set her up. Other hand, Wilkes could show up in the next chapter as a hero...lol. As always, I appreciate your "on the money" comments. Now, I'm going to read your entry...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Awww, dog!! Fabulous. You kept the tension taut all the way to the end in your singular, disgustingly fantastic style!! Love it, my man and although I've already said this several times...waaaay glad to see you back!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Neat! I bought a house in Phoenix a little more than a year ago (before the market went to hell in a handbasket) and was surprised to see a house built in 2007 that had all the fuses outside on the garage wall! I hadn't seen outdoor fuse boxes since the 60's! LOL. Like Aggeloi's dad, I'm a superb "southern engineer", but it's always good to have a "Gary" around, ain't it? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Way to go, nash!!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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You're welcome! Listen, while we are on that subject and I didn't want to say anything on the contest page. It irks me to no end to read some of these comments being made by the judges, especially those that talk about the POV change being a distraction (oh, my!) or I'd have given you a higher vote if it weren't for a couple of comma's being in the wrong place and...well, you know what I'm talking about...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Nash - comment to come. I'm using your most recent post to send you a message. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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I did have a comment. Just me, but I would leave out the chapter designation following the italics intro and go straight into the story. The chapter number is in the title, after all..;o). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Still loving this. Glad it's still a draft as I definitely want more in this chapter....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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So, I'm way late in reading this story. Damn. For what it still may be worth, I had zero problem following the storyline from one to two. I'll likely have no problem with three (up for reading next). This is beautifully written, wolf. I applaud you for writing like this. By "this" I mean moving POVs, jumping from past to present, introducing new characters without apparent attachment to previous chapter, etc. "Applaud" because most everyone that has attempted (even in small portion) this style gets dinged in the comments blocks. "I don't understand the connection", "this piece doesn't seem to fit", etc. Longer stories, written in novel style are especially read worthy, in my humble opinion. This is far beyond "read worthy". |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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All judges - Thanks for the very detailed and instructive comments. Someday soon, I'll get a handle on those danged semi-colons. LOL. Seriously, all of your comments were well thought out and I appreciate your time and effort . |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to SM!! Minor grammatical errors take nothing away from this excellently written and plotted piece. You hooked me from the beginning and kept the suspense tight all the way through. Your descriptive narratives were very well done and the dialogue was real. You'll be a most welcome addition to this site, joyride! 4.5 Stars. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Wolfram - Thanks for the comments and the great vote! I'm not sure I understand your remarks about, Pete. He knew her name because Wilkes told him. Wilkes also told Lockley. Wilkes is not a good guy. Ms B was suspicious of Pete because of that, but he proved his innocence and besides, she has no one else she can trust. She doesn't really know Jessie, but as far as she does know, she's Pete's wife and she's been kidnapped. She kicked the **** out of Lockley and then, he cold cocked her..why would not trusting him be an issue? I guess "old school villains" aren't "in" anymore...lol. Thanks, again, although I don't necessarily agree with your comments, I appreciate you taking the time to give them and I you did provide me with a different perspective! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Good entry, Cheese. While I liked the turn in the plot, I don't think it fits well with the rest of the story. Writing wise, of course, very well done. I liked the bus driver character and especially the blind guy! I don't think you moved the story along very far and you left out your usual suspense and tempo driven narratives; at least to a degree heretofore not seen in your writing. So, a good chapter, but not a really, really good chapter. 3.5 stars. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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This, no longer a draft, is fantastic. Not sure how much your "mysterious" editor contributed but I'm sure he didn't write this. You did and it is by far, in my humble opinion, the best chapter in this round. From beginning to end, a roller coaster ride that allowed me to feel the wind in my face, the bumps of the rails and the sound of the passenger's screams. You covered every detail from the previous chapters, threw in several fabulous minor twists and a great major turn in the plot; and included enough details to make the whole thing completely visual. The introduction of new characters was seamless and perfectly done. Absolutely magnificent writin!!! 5 stars. Now after all that gushing, I need to go change shirts....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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You dirty dog...you, you...genius...lol. Damn, eleven, here I'm thinking I have a really good chance of winning a round. Nash has a lead on me, but it's slight and well the judges haven't been nice to nash lately, or me, for that matter; regardless I figured I had a good chance and then...you couldn't stay "retired" for a little while longer? I breathed a sigh of relief at your first post. I thought, "Excellent writing but a little off the storyline"..no worries. And now, this -- this masterpiece. Oh, I had pushed away the fact that three top writer's still haven't submitted and they have a couple of days still (Wandering-Rian, Wolfram and Crystalfoo). I had convinced myself that the fates would smile on me until this -- work of horror fiction art. Damn you, dog....4.5 stars only because I wanted this so very badly NOT to be horror or supernatural...LMAO. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Holy Moly...what a dolt I am to even remotely infer that you might be a "newbie" writer (reference my comment to your contest entry). This was professional and very well done! Like dogdeity, I'm not much for fairytale stuff, but remembering that you'd written your contest entry while at work; I wanted to see what you did away from there. Wow! Creative, great character development, wonderful plotting... especially the end of this chaper. Loved it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Two things attracted me to the chapter, the title and your moniker...lol. I'm glad they did. I liked the underlying and overlaying humour. I like the tone of the narrator's voice and, though, as HG commented "it's been done so many times", I found some uniqueness in your piece that will entice me to read more! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Weeelllll, you asked...lol. It was short and relatively "cliché". OK...15 minute exercise. I didn't get any real emotional effect. He knelt beside her "face"...hmmm..she's sitting, he kneels; wouldn't he be beside her knees? I normally don't mention typos because everyone makes them, especially in a quick exercise but the word "empitimy" grabbed me. I like it!!! LOL. I sometimes do an exercise in which I invent words...I'll add this to my "off sides" dictionary. Overall, nothing that would cause me to read more...sorry. I should add that I'm not much for romance stories. Oh, I did like the line about waiting by the phone after a fight because he "...wasn't man enough to apologize." That certainly rings true!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...Since your writing about it, we can assume that you are unharmed? Neat way to relate the experience! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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I really liked this chapter, Eternal_Flame. While the suspense was low key, it was evident and Ms B's thought processes and actions were very well done. On the one hand, I would have liked to see more of Pete; on the other, he's still in the game and you left him in a position to play a major role in subsequent chapters. I couldn't completely believe the "interrogation" scene. Thirty-five people waiting for Ms B, I doubt they would put her away that easily or quickly although it seems only minutes passed before someone came to get her out of the room Lockley had put her in. I like how you protrayed Lockley, by the way. While I've tried to move the story away from the supernatural, you kept it and did it well. 4 stars. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Good suspense and, overall a very good effort. I do have some "nits" to pass along...just my own opinion, of course. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks, politeditor! Not to brag on my production, but I would have a third entry except that I got the idea for it from crystalfoo and I didn't want to steal it...lol. On the hand, she hasn't used it...hmmmmm! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Politeditor - Thanks for the comments and vote. Nash is the guy to worry about...I've never won one of these contest and I've been here awhile..lol. Oh, and since you're relatively new, you probably missed dogdeity's work (he's been taking a vacation or something the past several weeks) but, now that he's back...watch out!! LOL. By the way, I read your submission, just haven't commented, yet; but, I will today! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Greetings, thamagnopen. Wow doesn't suffice in response to your musical accomplishments. I, too, am a songwriter, musician, vocalist. I've not had nearly the success you've had and what success I've had has all been in Europe. Hey, want to produce some of my stuff? LOL...just kidding....mostly....;o). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Greetings! I read your latest chapter and liked it a lot. I also commented. It's good to see you back after such a long hiatus...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Awww, man! I was hopin' you'd stay out of this round...lol. Not really. I love competition and the stiffer it is, the sweeter will be my victory!!! LOL. Yeah, I know, but don't tell anyone else, okay? Thanks! 4.5, dang it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Hoooo....loved this! Where the heck you been lately? This is great...the characters, especially your lead. The dialogue, especially with himself and the narrative, especially in the style you've used here. Really good. I hope to see the continuances...4 stars! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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I loved this and reading it made me realize how much I liked your stuff and missed reading new work these past couple months! Damn, it's good to have you back and I echo nash's comments.... hope this isn't just a cameo. Love your style, but this one is in a world of it's own and it would be very hard to work into the middle of this particular storyline...regardless of POV..LOL. My vote: 4.0 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...so, now we know the 'rest of the story'!! Tsk, tsk...writing at work....I'll bet none of the rest of us ever do that!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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In case you missed the "preview" block, please don't stop reading. While some of the beginning paragraphs are identical to my earlier contest submission, "Agents United"; this is an entirely new chapter with respect to storyline. Your comments and votes are always appreciated...:o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to SM, xmochax!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to SM. You have some good ideas. I assume that you're relatively new at writing? I don't intend that to be a slight in any way, it's simply that your writing lacks polish and there are several "newbie" mistakes that distract the reader from your story. Some of these mistakes could be fixed with in-depth proofreading; but many are basic word usage and sentence structure errors. I think you've made an excellent start and with practice and better comments / critique than I can offer, you'll develop into a fine writer. For effort and good ideas - 3 stars. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Not a bad draft, wolfram. I like where you're going with this...bringing Ms B's past back with a bang!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Your usual excellent writing chloe...;o). I have to disagree with Eternal_Flame, though, "the best job so far at continuing all elements of the story..,". Several things distracted me from the story. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Great work, WBS, especially from Part two to finish. The first part, waiting for and riding the bus dragged a little and I thought Lockley a little meek considering the conclusion of Agg's chapter. Of course, that was before I read the rest of the story...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Atrus. Your first post here is very well written. I like how you've built suspense and begun to develop your characters. You have an interesting writing style...reminds me of some of the classics in literature, a little bit. I look forward to reading more from you. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Way cool...you really did go back and find this chapter! Thanks for that and thanks for the comments. Rachel is Trashman's woman...is there someplace where I confused you? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Sword - Thanks for the comments. First, though, my negligence in previous comment: Welcome to StoryMash!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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I am a big fan of Koontz and King. I don't think they've published anything that I haven't read and some of it more than once. My favorite genre is obvious..horror, thriller, suspense. I've also read a lot of Forsythe and Ludlow (guess I'm aging myself...lol) as well as Michael Crichton, Dan Brown and Anne Rice. Add JK Rowling..I LOVE Harry Potter...;o) Mark Twain, Tolkien and Thoreau. There are others, but I can't remember their names at the moment. Guess you could say that I read a lot...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Thanks for your comments on mine, Savarager and I forgot to mention earlier...Welcome to SM...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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LOL....hmmm, isn't this a contest entry? Have I "misposted?"...Anyway, I was just funnin' wid ya!...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Cross my heart, I NEVER read anyone's story until after I've posted my own. Having said that, it amazes me that writers can come up with similar plots/sub-plots. In our united case, we both put Pete into the game as an agent and whereby you indicated Wilkes was "rogue", I only hinted at it...lol. Oh well, there are still plenty of differences on our individual takes. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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I liked it, especially the dialogue and Ms B's thought processes in the car. I just wish it had been a little longer and taken the story a teensy bit further. There are, after all, only two chapters after this one. But, I liked it...3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Katrina - In case you read this and comment...please, please, please do not write "proofread, proofread, proofread"...lol. I did, several times, and I know that I missed a couple of things. Most notably the extra "my" in the first paragraph. But, hey, I'm really getting better at finding those things....;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Dang, and I thought I'd learned a new trick with semi colons...well, half a trick, it seems....LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Neat story! I like your Jeremiah character and the Cat...lol. Your building an interesting plot but it's hampered by some distracting mechanical skill errors. I'd suggest you proofread more closely. I realize that you don't want to tip too much, but a little more background into the who, where and why of Jeremiah would be very beneficial, I think. Overall a great start. I voted you a 3.5! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...thanks, tomcat. Yep, this is my hundredth attempt. No, but I have tried to write it a few times with varied success. We'll see about this time...;o) Thanks for the comment and encouragement. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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I knew this was the winner when I first read it. Excellent job, well deserved. Congratulations! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Another beauty, makoallen. I have one complaint...lol....too danged short! I read a comment recently where you stated that you write primarily the "flash" type of complete story. You are surely a master at it, but...damn, just when's it's getting good (read hot) it's over. Hmmm, cyber sadism...is that possible? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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I particularly like D/s relationship stories, books and movies and this is spot on. Excellent writing; descriptive, narrative and dialogue that speaks completely to the life-style. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Excellent! Too bad Bill wasn't able to see your tribute. We did. Through your writing (as with most writers) people learn about you. I think that's a good thing. This adds to that process. Kudo's. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to StoryMash! Your first submission is quite good...;o). Your narratives are, perhaps, a little "dry", but your dialogue and descriptives make up for it. I was a little confused in a couple of places (reading from the diary, jumping from future to past and back) but a quick re-read clarified things. What I really like is the premise, the storyline and the mystery you've woven. Very good job!! 3.5 stars |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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I like this, TBH. It's been a long time since I've read anything of yours...;o(. I did notice that you were commenting but not writing... shame, shame....lol. This is a really good start. I like the tension, the dream, the interaction with Karen. With dkk4510, though, I thought you started to rush a little. I do that, too, so I recognize it pretty easily... lol. I'd like to mash this but don't think I'll find the time soon. I'll be looking for a continuation, though...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Hindsight....I could have dragged out John's epiphany; maybe in an ensuing conversation with Mrs. B it occurs to them both. Well... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to SM! This is a very well written first entry. I agree with everyone else's comments that your chapter didn't move the story forward very much and I, too, liked the cat at the end. Overall a very good first effort. My vote: 3 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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LOL...great minds think alike! Or, occasionally lesser gets lucky..;o). I also don't read anyone's entries until I've posted my own and I was surprised to see that several brought Jake's dad into the story. I think I was the only one who used him as a potential protagonist, though. I think Aggeloi's "Shadow" entry is the odds on favorite here although yours and a couple of others are very strong contenders. Well, there's always the next round....:o). Thanks for your comment and the great vote!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Fantastic chapter, wolfram. I really, really liked the back story with Ted and the bar scene. I'm also a new fan of the whole town being in danger. The downside is the scene with Jake. Mrs. B's dialogue was spot on but, Jake? I'm sorry but I agree with Wandering-Rian...it didn't sound right. Jake's voice was much too mature, much to detailed to be that of a what....eight or nine year old? That scene took about half the chapter...so 5 stars minus half the chapter at 2.5 leaves ya a 2.5! Nawwwww....the total chapter is worth far more....4 stars! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Rebecca. This was a very good first entry. I loved the tension that you continued to build throughout. Without actually describing your characters, I got a very good visual. Your dialogue comes across real and timely. You DO need to work on the format as that diminishes reader attention and enjoyment. I'd suggest you type on Word. Use Arial or Times New Roman, 12 pt. and paste into the SM story box. Separate your paragraphs, especially dialogue. In this piece, I had to read twice on a few occasions to make sure I knew which character was talking. Very good overall effort. 3.5 stars. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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I'm disappointed, hebe. I saw your entry and thought, "this'll be a good one," based upon all that I've previously read from you. This was too short and didn't move the plot forward. Nothing new, none of your usual twists and turns. Sigh....3.0 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to SM!! You've done a nice job, here. Unfortunately, it is woefully short and did not meet the criteria for a solid contest mash. There are several things the judges look for: A link to the previous chapter - you did this fine. A continuation of the storyline, move the story forward - this you didn't do very well. We're still at the point of Mrs B at a loss of what action to take (if any) based upon Jake's announcement of her death. And, you leave your chapter in place whereby the next chapter can link - this you didn't do very well, either because your chapter ended in essentially the same place as the previous chapter. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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I liked it, but not as much as the original chapter. My opinion - you went too far, too fast omitting a lot of explanation. While I, too, am of the mind that readers know more (and can create their own links) than most writer's give them credit for; and, you are an excellent practicioner of this -- I think the "jumps" this time were a little far. Don't get me wrong, I love your style, your ability to link dialogue and narrative creating very real characters and your imagination. Had this been votable, mine would have been 3.5. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Very much improved over the first half of the chapter. Your format, while still needing work, is much easier to read and therefore, the story itself comes out better. The manager, Mr. Dubrovnik is a character hard to believe; on the other hand...lol. By the way, people who can't control their drinking, drink vodka during work. Why? Because it has no smell...;o). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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I know what you mean about the voting scales...lol. Writing your style, your way is by far the best way, I reckon. You'd be old and gray by the time you figured out to please all of the people, all of the time...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Good response to maoripete, Firebird...lol, alas you are simply playing into his hands, I think. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Fantastic chapter, Aggeloi. Damn, I guess it's back to the drawing board for the rest of us! LOL. Cutting my own throat, talent such as yours cannot be denied. 5 stars! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Hooboy. This character is one disgruntled and angry young man. You have a good premise, a good idea and the beginning of a very good storyline, BUT....the most disconcerting thing, here, is switching from third person to first and back again. I think first person would work best throughout. Your character is disgruntled and angry but I doubt an English major would use quite so much vulgarity. Keep it up, you're doing well. My vote: 3 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to SM! Not bad for your first effort, not bad at all. Overall you've written a very profound piece. You lose, however, some of the impact in grammar mistakes (easily correctable with practice). The poem at the end is very well done. Your descriptive narratives are also well written, lending the reader some good visuals. Again...grammar, spelling mistakes take away from the story so proofread before you publish. Good first shot, my vote: 3 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Now, that's an interesting premise..."Saturday and not Monday...." Man, if you had clarified that, it would have made all the difference!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Wow, you really packed a lot into this chapter. On the whole, the idea and direction were great. There are, however, some parts that are disconcerting and distracting; so much so, that your basic premise doesn't come forward clearly. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Nicely done. Excellent narratives. Good tension and mystery. My vote: 3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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"opustanding"? Accidental. Fat fingers. But a pretty neat word, huh? I meant "outstanding" of course...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Geesh...another brand spankin' new member to SM comes along and writes an opustanding piece as an introduction. Will it ever end? LOL...Just kiddin'...about the...well, you know. Seriously, a very well written and plotted chapter. Excellent follow-on to the first chapter, you maintained the voice and tone. You moved the story forward and left it perfectly for any number of mashes. Great work! My vote: 3.5 OH, and Welcome to SM...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Welcome to SM. I had to laugh through most of this and likely, would have laughed harder if I'd been able to understand more of it. You've got a really neat idea with this storyline. Many of the ideas you've espoused here are... what? Profoundly funny? Yes. This could be a really great story. It needs some heavy duty editing but, the basics are solidly there. Mr vote: 3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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I took a peek and then, I opened the window and stared!! lol. Very nicely done. Excellent descriptive narratives. What dialogue there sounded real and the storyline; ending it as you did was superb! You should proofread a little more and catch some of the obvious grammar mistakes that will sometimes turn a reader off before he/she really gets to the meat of the story. Welcome to SM!! My vote: 3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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The grammar mistakes and the screwy timeline threw me off, too. Normally, that would be enough to make me stop reading BUT...the story is simply too good, the suspense, the mystery and, yep; the excellent descriptions would not let me stop reading. Very well done, storywise!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Lots of grammatical errors, but MAN...suspense par excellence! Very nicely done. You kept the tension mounting from the first paragraph and ended in an almost perfect anti-climax. Bravo! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Wolfram, it's obvious that you've done some serious thinking about this problem. Kudo's to you for that and, for coming up with what I believe to be, a very viable, rational and logical solution. You have my full support for this idea. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 2 months ago
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Are you kidding, Katrina? I loved it. I had SO much fun with it....LMAO. I bet you have a bag full of words like that...please share some more!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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LOL...I wished I'd have known that before I posted that spoof!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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OK...here's a serious comment for you (Storymash). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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OH....before I sign off. Entry Fee? How did we get into that? The question was whether we would pay a fee (not contest entry) to have a "randomized judge" read a single chapter that was not included in the top ten and determine whether it merits being considered along with the top ten stories. Again...we aren't talking about an ENTRY FEE....it's a VOLUNTARY READING FEE for those of us who feel their story should have been in the top ten, when the rest of the community didn't think so. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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I guess everyone is going to maintain the serious bone on this, so; here's my two cents. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Very well done, makoallen! Erotic without over doing it; technically well written and plotted. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Uh...well....no. No thoughts on the context, anyway. LMAO...okay just funnin' wid ya. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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First, Welcome to SM!! I'm not sure how to comment..lol. I'll start with the really good things. You're mechanical skills are evident. You told a very good story. The down side is that I could not make a connection to the original chapter; well, not a solid connection that continued the storyline. Twelve years ago, Amy was Roberta's daughter (five years old). Now, we have an Amy again but how could it be the same girl? This contest is only 5 chapters long and your chapter did not move the chapter forward. You provided some great back story but failed to link it; and then, move the current story forward. My vote: 2.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Well written, you followed the tone of chapter one well and introduced a potential villain. Otherwise, for me, it was rather "ho-hum". It felt a little bland and there weren't any particular parts whereby I thought, "wow!" or "ahh...". No offense intended. But, the writing mechanics, narratives and dialogue were very well done and certainly deserving of a 3.5 vote. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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WB..I forgot to add that since I "misread" I intended to raise my vote. It's now 3.5. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Superior writing in true Nashvillebecker style! While I love your descriptive narratives and "back stories", in this case I thought it was a bit much and, overall, slowed the pace of the story. In the middle scene it took me a few reads to associate Shelby Osgood with Oz...lol... admittedly, I'm sometimes a little slow on the up-take. Having finally done so, though, I then had difficulty associating Oz's character as a rough and tumble redneck who would first, allow a young boy to scratch his neck and/or second, admit it to anyone. Finally, in the same scene Oz produces a credit card with a picture on it. I may be way behind the times, but I've never seen nor heard of a credit card carrying a picture, nor can I quite believe an experienced undercover agent would have in their possession anything that identified them as anyone other than whomever they pretended to be. That was a helluva sentence, huh? LOL. Overall, I liked the chapter. I liked the message setup near the train station; I liked the back stories and narratives and, I liked the piece with Felton and finally, I like you style (as always). My vote: 4.0 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Has no one else noticed the "strange" judge, "tabr0wn"? He/she joined SM on Nov 3, last sign in Nov 4; zero chapters posted, a slew of contradictory and biased comments that were not exclusively contest entries; ("I don't like gore", "too bloody..", "I like the Dean Koontz style..."; I assume all on 3 and 4 Nov)and very erratic voting in the contest!! How did he/she become a contest judge? Had I participated in this round of the contest, I would be crying foul, especially if my name was nashvillebecker! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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I was really getting into this and then...it was over! I, too, liked the idea of Jake in an antagonist role and I liked the mental chaos generated in Mrs. B's mind. Wish it had been longer...my vote: 3 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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I like the idea of voodoo and most of your narrative paragraphs were descriptive and well done. Overall, however, the writing was disjointed; skipping from a truck noise to Jake's sudden departure to grading papers, finding the note, going to the school at night, Pete "already" being there (indicates next morning), all without connecting explanation. As Aggeloi mentioned, it felt a bit rushed. Indeed, I imagine you had this storyline running through your head and typing the "dots" as quickly as you could, so as not to lose them. I do that myself, a lot. What you forgot to do, however, was to connect those "dots". Good imagination, several very good narrative paragraphs...spend more time on plot development. My vote: 2.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Ah, I can see you sitting at your computer, slowly shaking your head, a grim smirk on your face as you read my comment. "What an dolt," you're thinking, "didn't he notice that Jake's dad appears at the door, negating his entire concern in the plot?" LMAO...OF COURSE, Jakes' father appearing at the door negated the "downside" part of my comment. OF COURSE, his appearance changed the storyline and notched up the suspense! I have never claimed to be a good critic (you could go back and check all of my comments and see how many times I've pointed to my lack of critique skills) and here, again, I've completely verified my lack of critique credential!! My apologies; my thanks for not pounding on me and, as pentence, I've raised my vote. 3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Hmmm, recently several writers here have switched POV in the middle of a chapter, when the scene changed. I agree, though, that I could have had John go to the door of Mrs.B's house and continued in her POV and gotten most of the same information out. I simply didn't think of it...lol. Thanks, WBS....next time I will think of it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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LOL...true, zatoichi, very true. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Thanks, Aggeloi. I hadn't read anyone's chapters until I'd posted mine (standard procedure for me)and I've been surprised that several have involved Jake's dad. Pleasantly so, in that I seem to be the only one, so far, that projects him as a potential protagonist. I really appreciate your comment and vote! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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I liked your writing style, in particular the mix of narrative and dialogue; one led to the other quite well, I think. I have a small issue with the plot line. If Jake overheard his dad talking about killing Mrs. B and was concerned that his dad would find out that he'd told Mrs. B; would he willingly allow her to walk him back to his house? I wouldn't...lol. The same criterium applies to Mrs. B.; would she put Jake in that kind of jeopardy. I don't think so. Anyway, just my opinion and, as I said, I like your writing style. My vote: 3 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Ah, crystalfoo, you've outdone even yourself! Fabulous writing, terrific imagination and superb plotting. You moved this story miles ahead and your invention/definition of the "zero effect" was especially sweet. I loved how you described Mrs. B past tragedy in such a short, but potent paragraph. Well...I can't say enough... lol...but, I have, I think! Vote: 4.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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I'm glad...whoever you are...that you read my chapter. It would've been better had you commented rather than simply voting it down, but I'm a big guy and I know there are pitiful creatures, such as yourselves, dearly in need of sympathy. Unfortunately, I'm not one to give it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Very nicely done, wendyboop. Your writing is very good, especially in those little details that make a story more real. I thought you continued the story well, moved the plot forward and left it quite well for the next chapter. I do have a couple of nits, though. The first is that I found this piece a teensy bit too short and the second...well, the second is the part about Jake's Dad making him promise not to tell. If "the change" is as mysterious as you've made it to be (and there's no doubt that you made that point); I can't see Jake's dad risking being overheard by Jake (especially as this change has something to do with Jake)and most especially, once overheard, I can't see Jake's dad letting him out of the house! Well, my opinions, of course. Overall I very much liked the mash and your writing style. My vote: 3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Excellent writing, aggeloi. I was impressed with the "secret room"; it's invention and the way you described and used it in the storyline. I was thrown off a bit by Mrs. B's reaction after talking to her controller...pack and run. I got the impression from chapter one that she was made of sterner stuff, used to tense situations (16 undercover missions?). It was a small distraction and, she did decide to stay on (thank goodness for that, huh?) LOL; overall I liked the mash and I've always liked your style. My vote: 3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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WB...my apologies. We DO know the why in your chapter. She's a Fed after the Mafia. Dang, I'm getting old...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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I like the initiative and imaginative aspects of writing a "prequell" and, I think, had you continued on a page or three, you could have progressed the plot. As is, we're still at Mrs B is going to die before Monday. In chapter one, we don't know who or why; and, in your chapter, we can assume Tony (the mafia hit man?) is the who and we're still guessing the why. Other than that the story hasn't moved forward. You write very well and I liked your style. My vote: 3 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Well done! I got a "children of the corn" feel and that's great! Maybe incorrect, but that's what I got..lol. Excellent writing and plotting, you added to Mrs. B character and introduced a mysterious "villain". You also have a great leave for the next chapter...What more could anyone want? My vote: 3.5 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Too short. Not in context. Poor plot line. Lousy joke. My vote: .5 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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HOLY MOLY!! LOL....I don't know how you got from the first chapter to this (I surely don't have an imagination of that magnitude), but danged if it ain't mighty fine!! Excellent writing, detail, narrative and dialogue. I'm especially impressed with the Sheriff's thought lines... very "in character". I don't know how I missed your being here the past month, but damned sorry that I have. Welcome to SM!! My vote: 4 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Oh, I forgot to add that in this contest I won't have to worry about the deadline because I just posted my submission. A week before the deadline...will wonders never cease? LOL |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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That's an excellent idea, wolfram!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Thanks, hebe; in my case, as the past has proven...that's a wunnerful thing...lol. Ever the optimist,...I'll buy it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Welcome to SM! Neat little piece, here. Errors, yep...short, yep...but, not a bad start and you've demonstrated some writing talent; in particularly, imagination...lol. Look forward to reading more of your work. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Hmmm, okay...so how does that make voting more fair? I assume then, that the top 10 (community voted) will remain the only chapters that the official judges will read and vote on? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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I know you don't pay attention to..."My God, Nash, you are truly the Messiah here" or any and all of the other laudable comments you consistently (and well deserved) receive. So, I'll abstain and simply give you my usual 5 vote! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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“That wasn’t very scary!” My nephew pouted. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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I meant "Muchas Gracias", natürlich....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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A month ago...geesh, time flies. A month ago I was going to mash this and then lost track. I've re-read the whole series, thusfar, and I'm back on track. Great job, here, cheese; but, "defensive vomiting"? Holy Moly....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Good ideas, but too danged short...lol. Hmmm, and I'm glad you posted first as a draft. Seems that in Foo's chapter, she mentioned the meeting between "the Senator and the Congressman"... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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I'm way late getting back to this. Super job, wsells! I love your Shooter character! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Muy Gracias, Perro!! I plan to continue regardless of any mash that might occur. I'm particularly happy to see that someone noticed the (slow and sometimes, still invisible)improvement in my writing technique....;o). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Published Mañana Can Wait - The Story Revisited. I initially published the lyrics to the song and then thought I'd turn into a real story, publishing Mañana Can Wait - The Story. Fabulous comments from nash, HG, PEPPZ and wsells led me to revise...thus, MCW - The Story Revisited. Hey, Dog...thanks for the truly encouraging comments!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Great Mash, Morrigana! A little short but the narrative paragraphs joined with the dialogue to create a "full" story feel. Wonderful ending, perfect for another mash. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Excellent advice, HG. You know, I try (sometimes not as hard as others) to do exactly what you describe. When I succeed, though, I almost always get comments: |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Thanks for the comments, Perse! The story is based upon the lyrics I wrote about 10 years ago; which are based upon a true life experience of 40 years ago...lol....well, sort of. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Congratulations! Excellent writing and well deserved victory. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Dang...now, I find it...lol. I couldn't earlier so I posted what should have gone here, separately. "New Posting". |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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I thought there was somewhere that folks were announcing new posts and mashes. I couldn't find it so I'm announcing here that I've posted a new song lyric "Mañana Can Wait" and then, I thought it an interesting topic for a full story and posted chapter one "Mañana Can Wait - The Story". Although I initially intended the story to follow the lyrics, it doesn't have to. Feel free to mash and take it anywhere you'd like...:o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Hi Peppz - I love New York City and agree that there are a lot of great things going on there. This song was written ten years ago and didn't correlate to any one particular city (in any country); rather, it was a conglomeration and generatlization of big cities worldwide. Thanks for your comments!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Fantastic work, Wolfram!! You not only brought about a realistic and abrupt end to the story, you did so while throwing in new twists enroute!! Really awesome writing. Everything that I liked about this chapter has been mentioned, so I won't beat the dead horse any longer; only to repeat....Fantastic job!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Wow! Excellent writing. Very graphic, wonderful characters. You really took the start chapter to a wonderland of magic and fantasy. Loved it!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Oh, boy....lots of problems here!!! But...not to worry, they are all fixable with practice...;o). I like your narratives; a little..ummm, immature? Yes. But, it fits well(I think)with the character you're developing. Plot? Needs work. Not to worry, that'll come, too. Here's the thing, the main thing; you got a story down "on paper", you've got a good premise, you've made a good start on developing your main character and you do a pretty fair job of describing the scenes. You've still got a mountain to climb but it ain't the Materhorn!! LOL. Welcome to SM!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 3 months ago
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Please do. I would be honored!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Not bad?!? TBH? LOL...I thought it was pretty damned good. I love this, "She was dressed in all black, like she wore the night as her gown" and this, "Black wisps of shadow wove together, swiftly coalescing into a tall figure." And, I especially how things got a little humurous at the end. Very good!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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LOL...wow, great take on the Black Converse story. It was much scarier than what I'd written and excellently done, too! I loved it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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What a KLUTZ I am sometimes...huh? Geesh, all that rambling about "something" to tell us where the baby came from..lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I like the storyline. I love your writing style. But, there were some detractor's for me: |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I noticed the style change and went back to the previous chapter to be sure I was still reading the same story, by the same person....lol. After that it was a great ride! I really enjoy your writing. It's quick and it's non-specific enough to allow the reader room to "write" his/her own details. You also have a great sense for things back to create greater mystery and desire to read more....wonderful! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Continued excellence. I sure hope you'll continue this storyline. I'm totally into it and want to know all of the mystery's you've so adeptly developed! Welcome to SM and I look forward to reading much more from you...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Fabulous writing. I love your characters. Even with the eccentricies of the old lady's, you've brought them to life. I'll comment further after reading the next chapter...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Your joining the fray was a pleasant surprise, Nash. I anticipated Wolfram and I anticipated a climax. After "Torture" I, too, thought the next chapter should end it for the same reasons that you did. This was not a character driven story and the events had reached a point where I felt that another, non-conclusive chapter would be pointless. In fact, anything other than a conclusion would lesson the overall impact. I liked the pepper spray appearance and it's ultimate usage. I also liked how you spread out the action. It was close to being "too much" which would have distracted the realism, but you stopped short of that...;o). Great writing and conclusion, Nash! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Now we're getting somewhere close to the title..lol. This one did drag a bit, very long conversation with Hank; but, it did establish both characters quite well. Continue? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Very innocuous beginning for a title like this one...lol. Does the next chapter get deeper? We'll see....;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Amendment: Welcome BACK to SM...lol. Now to see what I missed last July. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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LMAO...short but sweet; wonderful turn with the crabs. As intended, you had me thinking canabalism and it could still turn to that, no? I hope you or someone else mashes this. I wish I could, but time....ah, time is my one true nemesis. Before I forget, Welcome to StoryMash!! I'm always happy to see writer's of your caliber joining the group. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I second theblackhand. You've moved to very interesting, very mysterious, probably profound and added depth of character and strength of storyline. I'm IN it...lol. Great writing! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Interesting. Mysterious. Maybe, even profound. At any rate, good writing and I'm off to read your next chapter...;o). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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WELCOME BACK!!! I was so happy to see Nash mash your original chapter, a. because he did his usual fantastic job of it and, b. because you came back. This was really fantastic, wsells! I nearly jumped out of my chair when Julie began beating the clerk with the receiver...lol...what a fabulous twist in the story! Excellent dialogue (your trademark) and narrative. I love it all over again. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Excellent mash, Nash!! Not only your writing, which is at it's standard superior quality, but also because you rejuvenated a story start that I absolutely loved but somehow lost track of; and, you got wsells back!!! That's the real bonus here. I haven't seen him post in way over a month...lol. Great job and thanks! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Oh, yeah!!! Great writing, Cheese. Just enough blood and gore to keep things "interesting" but not enough to turn the reader off. Good story movement. Some grammar, spelling goofs, but not enought to throw me out of the story. Great leave for the next mash! Did you hear my...Yeehaw!!! LOL |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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For me, this is somewhat of a step backwards from your first two postings (which I really liked). It seems disjointed, predictable and lacking in depth; of character, narrative or story. Mako wrote a fairly good re-write to demonstrate his comments. I think (my opinion, only) that a story like this should be written in first person. Please don't let these comments discourage you. You have a great imagination and a budding talent; and remember, 99% of all successful writer's are not born, they are made by writing, writing and writing some more....;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Good re-write, mako. Obvious, though, that you dashed this off in what...10 minutes? LOL. Not your usual high class work, but I think you did a good job of pointing out how DDD's chapter could have been better. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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LOL...welcome to SM. Sure, everyone needs to improve, but it helps when you start at a level six or seven (on a scale of one to ten, ten being danged near immortal and Pope-like, i.e., infallible...lol). You've great talent and skill and a new fan! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Fabulous writing, Kristi! I really like your use of dialogue and the narrator's thoughts to drive the story; and, the last paragraph....wow! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Welcome to SM, KristiWhite! Great start here. I like your main character's narratives and your building her very well. The storyline is smooth, understandable but not yet clearly defined, which is excellent at this point. Good work! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Great job, TBH. Another shorty, but no less full of tension and great descriptive paragraphs! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Same here, HG. Both marcusgregory and morrigana have done an excellent work with short but tense chapters. Ya gotta love this kind of writing... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Short but, oh so sweet! Instant tension in one sentence...great start. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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You really took this to a spooky place, morrigana. This story was rejected by the Horror Anthology judges as "not scary enough". I bet if you'd have written it, it would be scary enough. I've written this thing more than a couple of times, so I won't mash it; but, I'd sure like to see where you take it if you can find the time..;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Talk about some fabulous talent joining this website...wow! You have it! I visited your website. Fantastic art and great writing. Loved it all. I have to laugh though; Raven is such a cool name that I think fits you perfectly (based upon your website work) and you go and get an alter-ego...that's at least the original's equal...lol....wonderful! Welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I knew when I first read this that it would be the winner. Fantastic writing!! Oh..and, along with Cornelius, Wolfram, and ireland-faerie you've joined a new club of writers that won a contest on their first entry. Scratch Cornelius...I just remembered that he won on his second posting...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Hey, thanks for looking me up Josh! Looks like you read one of the mash chapters I wrote. I did a complete story using the same theme, too. Check it out. It'll answer your questions...lol. In fact, you might find several versions of the same story. Not sure how that happened, but...what the heck. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I just checked and saw that you are new to SM. So....Herzlich Wilkommen!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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This is amazing! I'd have never thought that anyone would mash a song lyric...lol. I see you've done a second chapter...cool, off to read it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Holy Moly...if I'd known these lyrics would have gleaned so many nice comments, I'd have posted them long ago...lol. Always good to stroke the ego a bit, eh? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Welcome to SM (again). I read your first submission and loved it. Great to have another top notch writer here....'o). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Welcome to SM. Excellent first submission! I'm looking forward to reading more of your work. Is this the beginning of a novel? It reads like it and it's a fine start! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Wow....I would never of thought a song lyric could generate such a story...lol. Fantastic!! Your writing mechanics need a lot of work, but, man the story is great! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Wow. I'm almost afraid to ask...nope, I won't. Your writing is so real as to be almost certainly based on reality. Doesn't necessarily have to be, I know. I can describe to a "T" what it feels like to be gut shot, although I've never been. What I'm saying is that this is so graphically written that even I could feel the violence, the cold blade and, at least understand, the orgasm. Fantastic job!! (And I didn't use "v..." once!) LOL |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Great start! Very descriptive narrative. Very visual. Characters are very real. OK, so I used "very" a lot...lol. I'm going to read chapter two and comment further (without so many very's...no matter what!) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Nothing to be sorry about...lol. Your talent is too great to go unnoticed for long...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Josh. I've only had time to read your introductory chapter and let me say here that it's very, very good. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and, as time allows, I will certainly read the rest! We've gotten a lot of new, excellent writers of late and you fit that category quite well! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Oh, I forgot. Don't feel slighted by lack of comment, please. It sometimes takes awhile for the community to notice a new writer. Most of us are so caught up in mashing or writing our own stuff while juggling the balls of life, that we don't get to the new stories page often enough. In fact, I only noticed because you posted to the forum and introduced yourself....;o). Glad you did and glad I did....lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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First, Welcome to SM! Secondly, this is really great writing. I can see I have a lot of reading ahead of me...lol. Your style is quick and leaves room for the reader to paint his own pictures; dialogue is very well done, character development is superb and the storyline catching. Wonderful job!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Very good story start, TC. I liked how you've begun developing Hayden's character and the narrative and dialogue were excellent. What I didn't like was in the first paragraph starting with "Our story begins....". Nope. The story began with, "Something floated in the air....". The former quote is extraneous, distracting...um, and dare I say, amateurish? Yes. Otherwise, very, very good writing and story development. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Thankyou all, for the positive comments. I guess no one read the preview. Not hard to understand, I couldn't find it, either...lol. This really isn't a poem, it's song lyric (therefore the repetitive stanzas). I thought to get some opinions on the writing style/content without the music. This particular lyric combines my own childhood with the problems currently dominating cities of today. I've several more that I'll post and I appreciate your feedback. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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So, I'm not a very "literary" kind of guy. I didn't study literature or poetry. I don't know how unique this actually is or "how good" it is amongst those who judge such work. I'll tell you this, though; I thought it fantastic! I mentioned unique because I don't believe I've ever seen narrative intertwined with poesy (I've never studied literature, remember?). Maybe I'm just a hick that got caught up in the deeply sorrowful analogies or the pain that was painted so clearly. Could be. Doesn't matter. I can comment how I will. I loved it. It went straight to my crusty, male heart and gave it a strong squeeze. One question, are the latter stanza's, not interspersed with narrative intended to be open for a mash or have you plans to continue? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Thanks, all! So, cheese, how far will you push Sam and what dastardly deeds will he do to Ben and Kate? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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LOL...cute, funny! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I waited to comment here until after I'd read your work. It's all truly fantastic. Craig's List...really? LOL. Well, whatever it was that brought you here, I'm glad of it and I'm betting so are a lot of others. Welcome. So, consider us "well met, Sai Aggeloi" |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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My bad, xvoorheesx. The paragraph that begins with, "Charlie carried my flaccid body....." was what I was looking at because in an earlier version Adara was unconscious and therefore unable to narrate. But, you fixed that and I missed it. No POV issues and I apologize for causing you to hunt for it...;o). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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No, no, no...don't touch the keys, cheese. Next chapter is mine...lol. I like what wolfram did here and having the cellphone made it that much better. I'm writing...now! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Man, I'm really glad you brought this one back to life, cheese!! Great chapter. Let me see what wolfram did and then, I'm back in on this one!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Love the direction you took this in. It's a really neat little story, isn't it? I'd like to see your storyline continue, so I'll mash it as soon as I can get to it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Fabulous writing, Aggeloi. You've a new fan!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Well, I think you got most of the contentious parts fixed, although there is still at least one POV issue, though very brief. I transferred my vote to this version! Again, excellent job and I wish you good luck in the final voting!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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My apologies...I'd read too fast and apparently skipped a line or two. No instances of action jumps as I'd mentioned earlier. Sorry for the alarm...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Very good job, JeremyD! Like Cornelius, I had a bit of a problem with the old man's voice, but I see what you were striving for. I can't put my finger on it, and I freely admit to being a lousy critic; but, in a couple of cases the action within a scene jumps with no explanation as to how or why the jump occured. Dang...this won't do you any good. Ok, I'll stop here and go back and find examples. BRB. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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What a wonderfully written "house warming gift" you've brought to SM! Magnificent writing. Without rehashing, let me simply second and third all of the laudatory comments above. I can't think of single way you could make this chapter any better. Just what I needed, too....another top notch writer to struggle against!! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Very, very well done, xvoorhesx! I think most of the things that "threw me off" have been adequately covered and explained. However, the POV changes can still, easily be fixed via re-write prior to the deadline (it could well be the deciding difference). I agree that Adara is no "pussy" but, her line, "I'm talking about the ugly bitch....." is still far out of character, I think. Finally, I liked the huge curve ball of Methra "turning" on Franco and Paige. Although you didn't state it, nor hint it; I assumed she was under Jimmy's control and that can easily be clarified in the next chapter. All in all, excellent writing. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I'll do that! I hope you're not judging my writing solely on TSNK, after all, none were winners...lol. Seriously, I'd like to read what you think of some of my other work. There's only about 45 chapters or so. Maybe by tomorrow noon? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Great little story that could stand alone or continue with a mash. Either way, it was well written. Great job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Neat! Very tight. A little too short, perhaps, but well done. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Cool...short, dramatic and bloody! Ya gotta love it. But....there's room for so much more. Good job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Wonderful mash, chloe!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Late reading, but prompt on commenting. Very well done, moonglow! I, too, liked how you used the "Dear Fran" letter to set the stage. Not only the letter, but the way it was written really established Dee's character. I see chloe mashed it...that, in and of itself, is praise. Well done! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Man, I can relate!! I've given up (not totally, but..erm, mostly) on winning a danged contest, anyway. My new goal is simply knocking nashs' socks off...LMAO. I've come close a couple of times, but still, no cigar (yet). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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You're welcome Katrina! Heck, we need all the chapter input we can get, right? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Oh, I forgot...Go to the story "TSNK 8: The End is Near" by ireland-faerie. At the end of the story is a block "Write Next Chapter". Punch that button and copy/paste your story in the box. That will get it entered into the contest..;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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StacieL...Welcome to SM! This contest story is long and relatively complicated. To answer your question, you should read all of the previous winning chapters and then write your own chapter that continues the story and enter that into the contest. This chapter is the next to last chapter so you'll need to finish your chapter in order to lead in to a resounding finish. Good luck!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I've become quite the fan of yours, wolfram, and with this mash, even more so. You're an excellent painter. You're scenes are vivid and detailed. Chewing the strings on his hoodie; my son did that all the time! You're dialogue is spot on and the movement of the plot is quick without rushing to a pefectly twisted conclusion. Any number of directions are available now that Matt took the knife. He really is a twisted little freak....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Hey, Cheese...haven't read much lately, in particular your work. Glad I stumbled onto this. Very, very well done, my friend!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Wonderful, nash. True life! Funny! Sad! Sarcastic! Loved it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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This just gets better and better. I'm sorely disappointed that this appears to be the last chapter...;o( |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Mysteriouser and mysteriouser...lol. I love this. You've continued to build character while developing an ever deepening plot. Very, very well done! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Wonderful story, ireland faerie, you've definitely hooked me with both characters, girl and beast. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Great start...suspenseful and spooky! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Lovely start...short but definitely a heart rending story, I reckon! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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That should have been..."I was glad to read that your pseudonym lent credence....". Dang, proof reading, anyhow....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Thanks for posting here, ireland-faerie. I've been impressed with your writing and look for more. Mostly, though, I was glad to read that lent credence to your ancestry...lol. I thought you were new just since the TSNK contest, but I noticed that you've posted several chapters. I'm gonna go and read them, now! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Ahhh, the riddle has been broken!! I intend no offense, but for the longest time I couldn't decide your gender...I was leaning toward female...LOL. Seriously, no offense intended. I like your writing style a lot and look forward to more of it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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LOL...welcome to SM. Now...get started already!!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Hey, Nash....thorough critique, as always, but I think you might have been a bit unfair on this one. As I understand it, fan fiction is a unique genre with..umm, special writing rules (?). Maybe. But, certainly so when the idea is to nclude as many puns as possible. Overkill wasn't an issue, it was desired. I urge you to read some of silver's other postings. I think (know) you'll be pleasantly surprised. She's really quite talented! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Thank you! We old dogs can (and often do) learn new tricks....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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djinndarme...actually, dare I admit?; it wasn't the FemDom I was turned off by. It was the diapers fetish... LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Very, very good, silver. I'm not even going to try and count the telecommunication inside jokes. I got several good laughs out of it and that's what counted for me...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Considering that I'm totally ignorant regarding "fan fiction" and have no clue to which "fan" this associates....I really like it and will comment after I've read all the parts...LOL. Ooops, someone on the other line..later! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Hi Mako...I've commented on several of your postings here and I followed the link to your erotic novel. Excellent, excellent work!! Well, I'm not much "into" the particular fetish of your novel character...lol, but the writing was superb. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Greetings and welcome to SM! You seem to be a very busy person...lol. Hopefully, you'll find some time to post here so that we can get to know you through your writing, as well...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I've noticed that people who are experimenting with erotica, in particular first time writers; tend to have some very long run on sentences in those passages where the passion is most intense. Hmm, wonder why that is? I think it's because the writer is re-living or fantasying the scene and his/her fingers move much quicker during those parts of the story...LOL. Were I to write erotica...ahem....I would certainly read a lot of "makoallen" for pointers!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I assume this to be a mash of dogdeity's Uebermensch? If so, the sarcasm fell far short, the mash ridiculous in its poor mechanics. In short, a piece of crap. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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LOL...excellent response Silver!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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chloe - I'm afraid of a similar path crossing with Cheeseliker who has already stated he's working on a mash to Le Blog (nash's mash with the words - Abraham Lincoln, yellow snow and ball peen hammer). So, I'll wait to see whether he does or not. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Indeed. I added a chapter THREE to HG's Love and Bones....which Chloe promptly stomped all over...SNIFF. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Welcome to SM. As mentioned, you're not likely to make a lot of money here unless you consider meeting some great writers, networking, refining skills and having fun making money...I do...;o). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Thanks, mako...I will certainly do that! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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What I liked about this chapter was the way you took a relatively mediocre starting chapter and really made something out of it. You developed Charlie and introduced two new characters that fit perfectly into the original chapter. Very, very well done! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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LOL...yup, climaxed too soon. Another excellent piece, makoallen. You have a new fan! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Oh, yes! As honeygloom said, you are indeed a master of sexual tension and psychology. Totally visual, totally real situations and characters. Excellent! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Wow. I love erotic stories and this was great! Aside from the eroticism, I thought you did an excellent job of defining your characters and establishing a believable and interesting storyline. Great work! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Your welcome, and as a new writer, I'd suggest you go to the forums page and introduce yourself. Great way to quickly meet all the writers here...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I just noticed that you are new here so, Welcome to SM. I'm positive you will become a very welcome member, quickly. You are very talented. I'm glad I was the first to notice you, here....LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Fabulous! I surely hope you intend continuing this story because I absolutely love it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Wonderful story! Very well written. I admit that I almost stopped reading because I'm kind of burned out on zombie stories. I'm glad I read on because this is so much more than another zombie story. You have well developed characters, believable and likeable characters and enough twists and turns in the plot to make any genre enthusiast happy!. Off to read chapter 2. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I loved this! Very well written...humor, intelligence, sarcasm in a scientific set. You're not facist are you? LOL.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I had to LOL when I read this! I was offered a promotion just last week!! I had damned nearly verbatim the same argument with myself as Patrick. But, I didn't get invited out for dinner to discuss the new job with a good looking woman...;o( |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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munited18 - I've written somewhere around 50 chapters here on SM. I'd love to have your comments, opinions! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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LOL...where the heck is Ausgang? A standard joke over here. The newest is, "OK, I've found Ausgang, now to track down Auffahrt!" |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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If anyone thought you were German, it would not be anyone that actually speaks the language..lol. It's "dankeschön". Neat little chapter. As dog suggested, melancholy. I like the little hint toward the end, of reincarnation, which makes for a great lead to subsequent chapters. Good job. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Very good, munited18, very realistic and contrary to cheeseliker, I thought the dialogue well done; downplayed the urgency of the situation, dismissed the underlying truth of certain death for Tommy and very Marine or cowboy like. Just a small point, M16A4's are no longer the weapon of choice (M4 Carbines are). The M4's are now modular that allow for a variety of combinations depending upon environment. For example with or without butt stock, grenade launcher capability (the M16 also had this, but the new M4 version is waaay better); different munitions that includes a special long range bullet, dum-dum like bullets and even, proximity fuse type bullets. No matter though, the chapter was very well done. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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LMAO...neat little story start! The infamous "donkey show" in Mexico...lol...I saw one in Juarez back in the late 60's. Not somethin I'd do again or ever condone, but it was quite an experience. Poor Charlie must have a latent attraction to the perverse, huh? Will he discover that he likes it, after all? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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LOL...thanks, Katrina. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I just read your draft chapter and made some comments. You have a very intriguing premise and the "spin" that UnknownEntity mentioned is apparent and compelling. You have a lot of work ahead of you regarding writing mechanics, but if you keep your enthusiasm, you'll manage well, I think. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Aside from the mechanical errors already mentioned, I think you should look at formatting, too. I really like the premise of this piece (beginning of a novel, right?). You have a large amount of "telling" here. Print yourself a large sign and post over your keyboard.."SHOW don't TELL". Go through your draft and see where you can change things to meet the show don't tell rule. Maybe, you could string all of this information out over several chapters. By not putting it all up front, you'll generate more interest in continued reading and bring out the "telling" parts in action paragraphs through "showing". You follow? Again, I like (make that love) the premise. You've demonstrated imagination and talent...now, to get the mechanics of writing down pat; you'll have something special. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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LOL...you appear to be well travelled over here. Yep, Schloß and Neckar. Wow, getting arrested in East Berlin (when there was an East Berlin)must have been damned scary, even only for jaywalking...geesh, arrest for jaywalking! lol. So, you were here as a student? My youngest son just returned from the States. He couldn't stand it (mostly because he's 19 and couldn't drink beer). He swears that being a student with a Eurail pass is THE LIFE! LOL. As he is half-German, he's studying now at the University of Heidelberg. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Lots of potential here, Thelestro. I'd suggest touching up the grammar but that's self evident, right? I'd also suggest building a little more on Nicole and the significance (if there is any) of the bird. If there is no significance, why include it? I liked how you described his thought processes reference insanity. Again, lots of potential....try the "show don't tell" method and this could be a great story. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I don't feel like the "foul language" was over done particularly. I think it identifies the narrator/character and the environment (social, economic, et al) of which thesetwo characters are part. I agree with Wolfram to the extent that this chapter seemed to more of a piece of something larger. It went nowhere by itself, but with a few more paragraphs could have been a powerful setting for more to come. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Interesting writing method...well, I'll even go so far as to say it was intriquing, regardless the background for the story. I liked it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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I liked it, too, Cheese. Very visual, moved well and concluded with a clearly defined way ahead. Great idea introducing the future Arnon as you did, forcing follow on writers to bring him through the journey to this point. Excellent job. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Nash - just wanted to add my two cents and say that concussions are truly no fun; earning them...ahhh, that can really be a hoot. I earned one at the Nürburgring in Germany while piloting an errant Formula V car out of the Karrosel curve, over an embankment and through 20 meters of open air, twisting to an upside down position before kissing a two hundred year old Birch tree. Wildest ride I ever had!!!! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Congratulations!!!! Great chapter, well deserved victory. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Hey...somebody fess up to changing the table since I saw it 15 hours ago, please. Otherwise, I look like a complete idiot and so does Wolfram, who's numbers now match what he voted but not what was reflected earlier. In the meantime, I feel secure in congratulating ireland - faerie. Thanks. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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The table above seems to indicate a different winner than announced. Is the math faulty or the winning name incorrect? Hmmm, the math checks. What's Up..Who's the winner? I'd like to congratulate him/her. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Chloe - yep, you spelled it correctly. Gee, a million years ago, the castle would still be intact..oops, nope it wouldn't have been built, yet! LOL. I do write my own lyrics (about 150 songs, so far). Hmm, only 14 published..that's not very impressive, huh? lol. There are still some old web sites about my band out there. The only one I remember is: www.mkoc.com/Horizon/hth.htm |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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You, DDDeloris, have one very fine imaginative mind. Story or no, another very, very good piece of work. I can well imagine that Stephen King, banging away on an ancient typewriter at age 12 would have written something like this. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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DDDeloris, this was some really fine writing, age be damned! I like your style. What (for me) could use a little more work was the ending. While certainly a surprising twist, I think you could have drawn it out; made it a little less obvious. As is, it seemed a little forced; like, "ok, here's the end, let's get it over with". On the whole, a very, very good piece. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 4 months ago
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Wow, Chloe, this is really, really good. Loved where you went with it and defined a strong storyline....;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Funny how ideas occur, isn't it? This just "hit me" and I figured I'd bang it out before it got away, even though I knew it would be a shorty.;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Dang, Wolfram...I should-a learned to count... lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Hear, hear!! Excellent writing, nash. I would have said, "as usual", but this is not. It's so much better. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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There's only one chapter left after the current #8, right? Dang, I'd hate the competition, but at least we'd have a rambunctious ending....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Agree with all that this chapter seems rushed, several instances of overusing the same word in the same paragraphs and several typos, grammar errors. It's a chapter that should move very fast, but you can't accomplish by rushing the writing. I think you had the scenes flowing through your mind and wrote quickly, believing that made the storyline move fast. Tension and speed are also accomplished by short, terse sentencing. Try it, you'll like it...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Very good writing, ireland-faerie. Lots of questions still to be answered in the last chapter, but you answered a bunch on the way and left it for a perfect "showdown". |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Silver / Wofram: If we're talking about impressive bios...the two of you are certain among the top 4 or 5 and, believe me, I was impressed. So, if tough lives make for really great writers...let's get on with it....lol! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Good job, Jack. I'm not so sure about the accents...lol, but the rest of it was solid. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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I, too, thoroughly enjoyed this, HG and had no problem visualizing the scene. I'm a firm believer in giving the reader enough credit to fill in the blanks or, better yet, visualize his/her own scenary. Great emotional and relationship build for each character. Loved it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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There are some very impressive bios here!! I feel very, very small so I’m sure no one will beef if I write a little more than most to make up for that….lol. My high school English teachers assured me that I would, one day, be a best selling author. Well, maybe could-a, should-a, would-a; but, life happened. I made a really dumb decision at 17, ended up in the Corpus Christi county jail and my “get out of jail free” card was an “Uncle Sam Wants You” poster. By 19, I had been to war, gotten married and fathered twin girls. I tried my hand at writing short stories and actually sold a story to Easyrider magazine for $50. When they didn’t bother to publish the thing, I lost interest and stopped writing. By 25, I was still in the Army, pursuing my hobbies of open wheel, formula auto racing and music and -- divorced. Writing – anything – was far, far away. By 33, I’d met my soul mate, married and fathered a son; Still in the Army and pursuing my single hobby – music. By 50, I was still working for the military as a civilian, wrote, published and recorded fourteen songs with a label out of Austria; won the European Country Music Association’s ‘Band of the Year’ and ‘Album of the Year’ (placed second for ‘Song of the Year’); had a number one hit in England (for a whole week!!) and still thinking about writing something other than songs. Now, thanks to SM, I’ve started writing again; still very much a beginner but learning quickly. I’m working on a novel with another SM writer who convinced me the novel should be part of a trilogy; I’ll be starting soon a screenplay of the same trilogy with another SM writer and I still can’t win a danged contest!!! LOL. And finally, greetings to the several fellow “Texicans” I’ve met here. I was born in San Marcos, raised in Austin and Corpus Christi and when I die; my family has explicit instructions to scatter my ashes across the “Devil’s Backbone” in the Texas Hill Country (even though I’ve lived 90% of my adult life in Germany – I’m still a Texan!). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Hey, wolfram...I did notice that you'd "taken care of" the potential painted corner in chapter 7 and was really pleased to see it. I don't plan to enter any more chapters in this contest. I struck out 3 times (those 3 that I failed to mentally pick the winner) and that's about my limit for failure...LOL. Actually, I've written the last chapter and I'm just hoping that the next chapter doesn't screw it up so much that I can't do a quick re-write. Your chapter fit very well, so maybe I'll have a little luck with chapter 8, too. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Congratulations, wolfram!! I always mentally pick a winner and I've been right 4 times, hey, 4 of 7 ain't bad...lol. Seriously, excellent writing and very well deserved victory. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Fantastic work, wolfram. While keeping all the players in the game, you threw some really fabulous curveballs!! Glad you made it in time. I didn't a chapter or two ago and I KNOW all about UTC...lol. This is definitely a strong challenger for the top spot..good luck!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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I thought you did a very good job, here, madejesus. Good narrative and descriptions of your ideas. Just too danged short...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Wonderful job, here, xvoorheesx! Foo has covered it all so I'll simply second the motion and add a high vote. Good luck in the final judging, you've got a really good chance with this chapter. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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An extension would be agreeable to me. I'd get something in, at least. I haven't to date, usual excuse -- no time. I'm really surprised that there hasn't been a single entry. Maybe everyone is confused as I am on where to take the story. But, with a few more days I'm sure I could figure out something...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Very good, TBH. I think you hit it square, this time around. Fix those little goofs lamexicanita pointed out and send it in. Five points from me on this one! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Hey, Cheeseliker, been awhile since I've read any of your stuff. This has a lot of potential. I think some of your sentences run a little long...shorter sentences equals more tension and in a couple of places you're a bit redundant. Fixing that gives you more room to write more...which, I'll be looking for! Overall, good start. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Fabulous story and writing, nash. Absolutely HAC candidate worthy and it will likely find its way into the book. I think that HAC submissions should not be mashed. They are, afterall, finished stories. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Hey, hey...lookee here!! It's about time!! LOL |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Go for it, blackhand! Almost there and it's very good...finish it off, man. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Better late than never...lol. Great, great finish here, nash! Finally, an OC storyline reaches conclusion and you did it with a bang. Damn, and you claim not to be a horror writer!! This was magnificent horror, my friend. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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October Chill was still on-going when the anthology and horror mash projects kicked off. I suppose that's why those story lines weren't considered. Now, that there's an extension, why don't you guys (SM folks) pick two or three of the storylines and have the SM writer's finish them off? I know, lots of complications; too many chapters, overall story would be very long, etc. But, the benefits could easily outweigh the problems. These were some very, very good mashes and, to my mind, they are all highly presentative of the SM website. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Although I liked the writing in the cave scene, plotwise I couldn't find a connection. I have to agree with Honeygloom regarding Adara's reaction to Methra. Though most have ignored or lightly touched upon the name changes, I have to say that really knocked this chapter out of the running for me. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Welcome to SM, nasquared. This is a very well executed piece of work. By your own admission you are a character driven writer rather than plot driven and it showed, brilliantly here. I was always confused at the relationship between Franco and Adara. You did a fantastic job of clarifying their relationship and maintaining consistency as they struggled through their current, tense situation. I understood the implication of the files and wish you had clarified before concluding this chapter. I doubt the next writer will pick up on it. I voted you 4 stars, a slight cut only because I thought you could've advanced the plot a bit more. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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Excellent chapter, Cornelius. I really liked your first chapter in this contest but, this one....whooahhh! It's obvious that although you came in late, you've spend some time catching up and this chapter is indicative of your efforts. Your technical skills here are exemplary and you've surpassed all three of the announced judging rules; tie in to previous chapter, advance plot and leave a good opening for the next chapter. Comments such as..."I would have liked to see this" or "I don't think Franco should act that way", et al, are extraneous and shouldn't weigh into any judges voting. Alas, that is not the case. My vote...5 stars. I wish I could give you more. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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A little uncharacteristic of you, dog; and, therefore, all the better. Wonderfully written and right at the door of something I strongly believe in. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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SP (or QC) this was a fabulously written chapter. So, there was a misspelling here or there; there was a tense error...geesh. I'm glad that I read for pleasure rather than dissection, comment and critique. Man, that can't be any fun. This was a fun story that I wouldn't have stopped reading had you not ran out of words...lol. I loved the premise, the characterization, the dialogue...simply all of it. Rather than repeat what HG and Foo have already said, I'll tell you to triple their comments and let it be. As to your Inquisitor here, he is a good writer but not such a good mensch, no? Ignore him -- I shall. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 5 months ago
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I waited to comment until I'd read all three chapters. I loved the story! Funny, excellent - believable dialogue and great character definition. I thought the ending too abrupt, though and somehow incongruous. Regardless, a great read and that's what it's all about...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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I like it, blackhand. I can see how you could easily get the word count down without hurting the story. Before you submit, you should do some serious editing. It's a good read and a great story. With editing, I'm not talking so much about grammar, rather word usage and sentence structure. You sometimes use 10 words when a different structure would reduce the sentence to 5 or 6 words. Double check your tenses'. Good job, could be great job with a minimum of work. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks for the response, Katrina. It's all OBE now, anyway...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Congratulations, Foo! Well written, well deserved and well-come back...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Katrina: |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Adding the "one paragraph" made all the difference, Cornelius. Perfectly done, this accomplished the "link" with previous chapters that was missing from the original. A damned shame that you thought to add it only after the 7th. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Oh, one more thing...HG: You haven't seen much of an "Inquisition" because it's been underground until now...as it was in the 12th century (initially). If this chapter goes forward, developing that sub-plot would/should be a key ingredient in catching the leader. No, it doesn't have to be Fr.Preston, either...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Dang it! One of these days, before I'm old and gray...wait, I'm already old and gray; before I hit the box, then, I'm gonna knock those socks off your feet, Nash...lol. You shouldn't care about the casino victims. Their only role in the story was to introduce and link the Holy Office conspiracy. The scene itself gave Adara the dream she needed to get ahead. This is a plot driven story (I think) and it's time for the chase to begin. Until Adara gets the authorities involved and a clue to where to start looking the chase can't get started. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Brilliant writing, HG. The interaction between Lila and Lucien is superb, as is the tension. I thought the young voice would be the next door neighbor's kid. I'd love to mash this, but between the current contest (I don't expect to win so I'll be doing another chapter), the Anthology (yep, writing a second story) and my own project....can't get my mind around anything else. When I started reading I thought it might be one of your entries to the Anthology (?). Guess not, but it sure could be a good one. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Welcome to SM, shaft56! Excellent introduction here. You hooked me with the opening paragraph and it just got better and better. I'm making a note to keep track of your postings. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Very good work, wolftrax!! As lamexicanita said, "vivid images"...."makes a reader want to keep reading". Absolutely! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Periods, barryho....you need some periods and comma's...lol. Danged hard to read like this. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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So...the age thing keeps bothering me. I went back and found out why I commented about the age of Esperanza. In chapter 2, Nashvillebecker listed Nona's age at 33. It would be unlikely that her sister would be as old as described in your chapter...although not impossible. OK..I goofed, you goofed and I goofed again...lmao. Sure glad we got that straightened out....;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Ah...my bad, rocklee. For some reason I had in my head that Nona was Miguel's wife, with a small son...but, she was the witness. Dang, me! So, yeah she could have been way older and so, her sister, Esperanza. Thanks for calling me on it...really. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...thanks, Silver, but that burp was only a small creative gas bubble that became extinct shortly after inception. Honeygloom...your explanation to missing the radio show was really neat and, of course, the inspiration for my creative burp. No trouble....just fun....;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks, EA! I've always thought that italics are used for something "off scene" or "off the main stage" or "thoughts" or "dreams". That was the intention of the first and last scenes. The center scene is the main stage. I've haven't taken a writing course of any kind since high school (probably before you were born...lol) so I could be wrong about italics. I do know that when submitting a work to publishers, they don't want italics; they want bold print where italics would normally go. Something about it being easier to read, but to me bold is even more distracting...lol. Hell, I could be wrong about that, too. I read it in an article about "how to submit to publishers" or something like that. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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You have some very good ideas here, rocklee. Unfortunately, the scene with Esperanza lost its power because neither character was believable. Close, but no cigar. I say that because first, too many details missing concerning Esperanza: why was she so old and wrinkled (the impression is that Nona was..what, mid-30's I suspect), she didn't seem to be mad enough when throwing Adara out; she said please at one point. I've known some old biddy's like her in my day and believe me, when they get upset, their language is loud, often obscene and you'll never hear a please or thankyou; and finally, the "oracle" type speech seemed stilted, forced and cliche. In Adara's case, I think she gave up way too easily. Timid is not one of her traits. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Whew-Ryan thinks he's coming home to a warm little nest and there's a hawk sitting in it...lol. Great start! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Well, HG, while you were screwing around killing the next door neighbor I was sitting over here in Germany, anxiously awaiting your interview. It was 8.30 pm and I was missing a really good soccer match. I waited. Adrienne kept repeating herself, "Our very special guest today is honeygloom...she'll be here in a minute.." I heard MY next door neighbor screaming. ****, his team scored against my team. I ran downstairs to check the TV...yep, my guys were down 1 - nil. My neighbor yelled over the balcony wall..."hahahaha". I yelled back, "there's still plenty of time, you jerk." He's German. I know he didn't understand the language but he certainly got the message. Back upstairs, "Our special guest today is honeygloom..." Yea, right, I thought. She's probably getting her nails done or something. My neighbor yelled, "Zwei - null scheisskopf!" That's it. I got my drill and put a hole in the wall that separated his house from mine. I knew his TV was on that wall. I drilled just deep enough to insert a small wad of C4, stuck in a blasting cap and lit the time fuse. I had about 15 minutes. I checked the timer on Adrienne's show...13 minutes remaining. Yes!!! I ran downstairs, 2-1...and 15 minutes to go. Yes!! Upstairs....10 minutes remaining on the show, "Our special guest today...." ****. HG's a no show, cold feet! Well, I wasn't going to wait any longer. The fuse was short. I wrapped thick down filled blankets all around my computer and monitor and hit the stairs. 5 minutes left in the game, less than a minute fuse time and the show...screw the show, HG's a no show. My team scored and tied the game. The C4 put a huge hole in my wall, disentegrated the neighbors TV, his cat, his dog and the lower half of his body. The shock wave broke every window in every house on the block. Sitting in front of my TV, I instinctively ducked when the C4 blew. Just before the TV was knocked off the cabinet my team scored and won the game 3-2. They never lose when I'm watching...only when I'm not. Whew, it was close, though. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Many thanks, blackhand!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Welcome to SM! OK, my bad on the "slight nod" to the killer's style. Your writing really is terrific. I loved this chapter and I saw the your intentions clearly. My "nit" notes were driven by the "judges rules", i.e., how well did the chapter connect to the previous, how well did the author move the storyline forward and was the end condusive to a solid continuation (or words to that effect). I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff....;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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This is a superbly written chapter....truly. But, other than the name, Adara, the reference to her lover and daughter and a slight nod toward the killers style; there's no linkage to the previous 4 chapters. This chapter stands alone which would work well in a novel, but not so well in a short story...or, is it just me? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Ah, the changes were indeed subtle, especially in the middle scene...look closely though, I followed your advice..;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Hey, wsells! Thanks for the suhweet comment... lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Very good. I like this badass dude...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Very, very good lead chapter, ksweaver. I really like your characters, including the enigmatic DA4. Your dialogue works really well with limited narrative to carry the storyline. Really well done! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Good story. Is this all of it? I hope not. With some serious editing (grammar, spelling, etc) this could be a very good entry. You built Steph's character well and introduced the vampire equally well. I especially liked how you demonstrated his mind reading ability. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...deal! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Man, this is a great, great story QC. Between you and ShadowedPen, you've woven a fantastic world and an impossible situation. Righteous! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Fantastic imaginative writing, SP. Love it. Now, I've got to see what QC added! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks, xvoorheesx (dang, I couldn't figure out a good shortcut..xv or xvhee...lol). Yeah, I think it's time Adara took some real action and you did, too (great minds think alike?..;o). I did use the casino murder in chapter four, liked it so much and it still fit, so I used it again. Chapter 6 really could go from here to some real action...we'll see. If I'm still in the contest, and can get back to it somehow..I'll guarantee the action...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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I never read contest stories until I've posted my own. I don't want to be accused of plagiarism...lol. Seriously, I posted my last revision about an hour ago and was just about to read your chapter when I saw your revision chapter posted. Excellent writing and a great take on this chapter!! While I would like to have seen some forward progress on Miguel and Father Preston, you held my attention with Adara and Paige. Great ending...it tied up the loose end (Esperanza) and brought Miguel deeper into the story. Overall a very good job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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While I liked this chapter better than your previous contest submission, I couldn't "get into it". You've excellent writing skills, as crystalfoo pointed out. Not many beginning writer's are able to write dialogue as well as you do. Had this been a chapter for a novel, I'm sure it would've done more for me. As it is, a piece of a short story, it needs to move faster and continually move each character forward..or dead...lol. Introducing Mona was not such a bad idea (especially since you killed her off right away), but it didn't do anything for the story and it took up space that could have been used to move the story forward. Again, better the first submission...you've certainly got talent. I hope you'll work on tightening things which equates to a faster story flow. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Welcome to SM, WBScott! I liked how you worked this chapter. I think I would have cut down a little on the "homey" parts in Adara's house and spent more time...explaining Charlie's relationship with Adara, maybe a little more on the Miguel/Father Preston scene (I loved this piece:.... "I gave you hope; I gave you salvation.” “You gave me 375,000 dollars.” Miguel rebuttled. “Save the Holy Father act for somebody who doesn't know any better.)and, perhaps a little more on the murder at the end. The end, by the way, was very good. As EA pointed out..grammatical errors happen, you just can't let them happen very often and you should work on formatting your work to make it easier to read. Overall a good job and I'll be looking forward to more of your stuff! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Nice chapter, xfionax. Crystalfoo has already given you quite a good critique and I can't think of anything to add, except: While this was a nice chapter it didn't move the story forward very much nor did it attach itself well to the previous chapter. I thought what you did here was "ok". Had you added something about Miguel / Father Preston and/or pushed the envelope forward regarding Paige's vision (from the previous chapter) and/or added a murder...well, then I'd have really liked this chapter. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks, Crystalfoo, for some excellent comments in my original chapter 5. Readers - please move any votes you may have placed on the original chapter to this one; unless of course, you believe this version to be less worthy... lol..just kidding! Any and all votes and comments are greatly appreciated! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Welcome back to SM, Crystalfoo....you were missed! Your hiatus certainly didn't degrade your story telling talents! Although I'm not really excited about some of the directions you've gone in this chapter - that's only my personal opinion and you've fulfilled all of the "rules"..lol. I liked whacking Miguel. I've always thought he was muddling things up and wasn't in a position to "do" anything. Paige being kidnapped is very interesting, especially as she knows that she's got her mother's gift. This event could lead to some very interesting dreams between mother and daughter, perhaps. My jury is still out on Methra's newly appointed place in the story...hmmm, not sure how the sun god, Mithra could tie into the christian ten commandments. Finally, even though Fr. Preston was the obvious villain or, at least somehow involved; I'm not happy about killing him off..you did so quite well, however...lol. His absence leaves a hole that will be hard to fill in the five remaining chapters. Anyway....great writing, great imagination and I'm truly happy to see you back! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Geesh....I lost my editor, too....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Hi Foo...welcome back! I saw that you had posted a chapter here but, I don't read them until I've posted my own; don't want anyone saying..hey, that was my idead!! LOL. I'll read yours tonight for sure. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...what a great description of Dog's writing. Right on the money! So, I'm so much smarter than you...I NEVER even considered trying to match his style; a total waste of time...LMAO. I just kick back and enjoy the hell out of it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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This is excellent, QC; really superior imagination and writing. (Dang it!) LOL. I've been reading over all the stories for this project and this is the only one I could easily associate with; but, I'm not even going to attempt to compete against this chapter. There's easier fare out there. I'll come back to this storyline with a chapter 3 or 4, perhaps! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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I finally got around to reading this one. Very well written, of course. I see what you mean about writing yourself in a circle. I think I would have ended the chapter at the single word, "Flatline". Although the rest is well done, I thought it overly long and... inconclusive? You did get to the "vengeance" point but...ummm, it didn't do anything for me because, for me, the chapter ended at "Flatline". |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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I'm not a very good critic, actually. I do try to convey some tips (amateurish as they may be, sometimes) to those that I feel have good imagination and basic talents. Remember (I tell myself everyday), 99% of the successful writer's today were not born writer's. They learned the trade with practice, practice..and, more practice. Looking forward to following your progression to success. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Johnny come lately, here...lol. Big time congratulations EA. As I wrote on the blog, you worked hard on this chapter and absolutely deserve the win. I would say, "Yahoo, another great writer I no longer have to compete against" but, dang, there are still a bunch of 'em out there...lol. Well, let me get at it. I'll make damned sure not to miss the cutoff date this time...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks, blackhand. I don't know why I waited until the last minute to post...well, I do but now think it stupid...lol. Bottom line, I thought I had until midnight UTC which would have been between 7pm and 4pm in the USA. Actually, when I posted it hadn't closed but a few minutes later I checked and the contest had closed and my story wasn't there...oh well...next time. 'Course that means you and I will be competing again..lol. Liked your 4th chapter, too. Oh...yes, Black Converse is my entry and I'm working on a second story. What about you? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Congratulations, expressionsarchitect!!! You worked hard for it...and deserved it!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Rocklee...you (and anyone else) are always welcome to mash and if you want to "end it", that's okay, too. That's what SM is all about. Go for it...let's see what you've got!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Sorry, it took me awhile to get to this chapter, rocklee. I thought I'd read them all, but yours slipped through...;o(. In the event that late is better than not at all; I like this chapter. I can't quite figure either Miguel or Fr. Preston developing this way, on the other hand, why not? Maybe a little less of Miguel/Fr Preston and more Adara would have moved the story further along. Truthfully, after reading every chapter submitted, I'm confused...lmao. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Welcome to SM and thanks for reading and commenting on one of my stories.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks for the comment, QuantasCylak. After reading all but one of your postings, I am doubly pleased that you took the time to read and comment. I'll get to the "Flatline" mash you wrote later (it's long and I'm out of time), but the Flatline series is one of my all time favorites here on SM, so I'm sure your mash will be exquisite! I'm still mulling over your comment here, "..too...random. Nothing tied into anything else". Not sure what you mean, I guess. I think I was leaving some things vague in order to finish with a bang, but from your comment that didn't work as well as I'd thought it would. Drat! Good thing I don't give up easily..lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...fabulous! You brought ol' Matt "back to life" and made an entirely new storyline out of it. BRAVO and thanks for choosing to mash this. Have you written anything for the anthology? In case you haven't seen the blog...check it out. There's no doubt in my mind that you wouldn't get some of your work published in this SM project. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Muy excelente! I fear only that I'll run out of time tonight and not get to read the rest of your postings...lol. Truly great writing, OC. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Holy Moly, QC...what planet did you come from? LOL...by the way, welcome to SM! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Welcome back, wsells! Long time no see...lol. Great chapter here. Love the ending. Looks like we'll have a conglomeration of "lenders"..lol. Let's see, Priestess Annora has a blood lender (Dennis - or will have assuming she's going to recruit him) and a sperm lender (Jason)...hmmm, what else? Organ donators? Yes!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Seems you've been very well covered with comments, pro and con; in particular, the falling up the stairs bit...lol. So, I'll just say that I liked this chapter a lot. I thought you followed the previous chapter well, gave some new insights and developed the characters and left a great hanger. Very good!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Nash: LOL...yeah, really stupid of me. I haven't worn a watch in 30 years. Thanks for the comment. Architect: Thanks, too, for the comments. Good luck in this round. I read your entry but I don't think I commented...I'll do so, now. If you're still in the hunt next round I'll see if I can give you some stiff competition...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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In case you missed the preview: I published this to the contest but was about an hour late. Since I'd really like comments and critique, I've posted the chapter here as a new story. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Excellent! I loved the sex scene - talk about coitus interuptus...lol. I also liked that you got rid of Miguel. For my money, he was a dead character anyway and I couldn't understand why folks kept trying to involve him more than he already had been. I wrote a chapter 4 but published it too late and I was going to kill off Miguel, too. I liked how you further developed Adara and Franco and, though some will tell you that you didn't take the story far enough along; I thought you left it perfectly. I think this storyline was quickly running itself into the ground. You've prevented that. Sehr Schön!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Very well done, theblackhand. I liked the different scenes although I imagine someone will scream...POV! POV!...lol. I was a little confused, initially, about how Miquel could already be on death row. The story seemed to lose some verisimilitude at that point, but...plugging on it was quickly forgotten; replaced by the rest of the story. So...you followed the previous chapter quite well, executed some cool plot twists and left her hangin' at the right place. Muy bueno! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Not bad, Neo. I think your first paragraph was very well done. It connected with the previous chapter and showed Adara highlighting the problems she needed to solve. The jump from there to a vision of the visitor room in prison was okay, but there you kind of "gave up"? I don't think prison guards carry guns and I don't think Father Preston would say he'd taken care of Miquel's request and then describing Nona's death, knowing that they were being overheard. Although this chapter clearly indicated that Father Preston and Miquel were involved in the killing(s), I thought you could have written more and taken the chapter further down the storyline. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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RFLMAO....what more can you say, except fabulous imagination and writing, SP...absoutely fantastic!! What a great way to bust out of writer's block...now, fess up...did it work? lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Good writing, short-sweet, but for me this fell short of meeting the mash criteria for this contest. It didn't further the storyline very much...well, not at all. It did tie on to the previous chapter but immediately went into a direction that left only one ending...getting out of town. Unfortunately, "getting out of town" severely limits the next chapter. Sorry, for all the negative comments....try again, you're writing itself is certainly good enough to compete with anyone here...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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I liked the POV change. I get kicked all the time for changing POV in the middle of a story, but I think there are times when it helps to further the plot. To my mind, Adara, over 3 chapters hadn't done a danged thing and was being painted into a corner. Your putting Miquel, Father Preston and most importantly, Paige solidly into the picture was not only bold, but to my mind, genius and writing protocol be damned, it worked. 5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks, Silver. Speaking of Storm Cat...any new chapters? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Muy excellente! You kept Nashs' tone and voice (as well as anyone can, anyway...lol) moved the story very, very well and left a righteous hanger! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Yea, Nash!! Excellent, as always...maybe even better. Love the quick story movement, the humor in a tough situation and the analogies. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...thanks, Silver. I had a hard time getting down to 2000 words. Originally, it was around 2400. I think I screwed the structure up a little when I cut it. More editing required, but I'm glad (and relieved) that you liked it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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OK...literary human interest it is. I'm sure it'll get accepted. As I said...it's a great story and I liked it a lot. I sent them a story a few minutes ago, too. I'll post it here..tell me what you think? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...sorry about the word "orchestrated". It popped into my head for some danged reason. Actually, your main character being "likeable" and then doing what she did at the end made the story spooky (for me). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Wonderful short story, Silver! Very well orchestrated and plotted through dialogue. Loved it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Congratulations to chloe! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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CONGRATULATIONS, CHLOE!!!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Great mash, suicidejack!! Dang, it's been over a month since I looked back at this storyline but, I liked your mash so much that I'm gonna have to continue it...lol. 5 points! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Got it. I like that idea of using foreign language expletives, researching name origin to find the right language and perhaps, using it as a background narrative. Pretty slick...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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I don't think that Adara would have stood still when the killer told her,"...if Paige were alive" and followed that up with "...Paige responds nicely to a man's wants..his desires" insinuating that he'd raped her before killing her. I can't believe that anyone, man or woman and especially someone of Adara's character would have simply continued to stand with her back turned. This chapter had some good lines and good dialogue, but the killer, talking to Adara in a public place about raping and killing her daughter...well, it simply ruined the entire chapter (for me). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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I didn't mention the word "scheiße" in my comment and until your comment, Katrina, no one else did either. Since you have mentioned it I will comment on it. It's also written as "scheisse"; the "ß" is, in German a double "s". It means, "****". I was surprised to see it. Firstly, because nowhere else has there been any indication that Adara would or could use a German word and secondly, because her using it was a like a lightning bolt from a clear blue sky. On the other hand...I liked it...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks, Katrina. You're right, there's a word missing.."safe". I do proofread but almost always miss something..lol. Yes, Adara should certainly expect to become a suspect after spouting information that only the police would know but, she's also not thinking clearly and I think she was certain that Silverwolf would believe her story and understand that she knew these things because of her psychic sight. Well, anyway..that's my story and I'm stickin' to it...lmao. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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No detailed critique from me. I liked this chapter...a lot. Verb issues, who did what when, where and why for...hmmm. Immaterial. Did this chapter follow the preceding well?..yup. Did this chapter further the storyline?...yup. Did this chapter provide for a mash?...yup. What's not on the list..did the reader enjoy the chapter? You bet..a lot. 4 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Oh, and I see you just joined SM....welcome aboard!! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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I loved this chapter! I'm not nearly the excellent critic that nash is so I can't give you detailed reasoning as to why I liked or disliked something, why something worked or didn't work. I can say that I loved the dialogue, the pace and the character development of Adara and Mr. Commandments. I was thrown off a little bit when Adara pulled the gun on the secretary because I didn't understand why? Couldn't she have gotten the result she wanted without it? By pulling the gun, I believe she's undermined her own intentions of getting help. Regardless, excellent writing and, had this been posted a few days earlier, it would certainly have been among the top two entries at this stage. 5 points! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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This is a really interesting and cool story start. The mechanics of writing are very well done and you've woven an intriquing plot with great characterization. Excellent!! 5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Great writing, theblackhand!! I can always tell when you've put a lot of thought and effort into your work and this was definitely one of those times! When I read over the other comments here and on other chapters that you've written, it becomes apparent that you have developed a style that is recognized. And that's a great thing! 5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Thanks, chloe! I appreciate that you read the chapter and provided comment. This isn't one of my better efforts so your kindness in positive notes is doubly appreciated..;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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xfionax...I am speechless! This is beautiful writing. This is suspense, horror, dramatic, romantic and perfectly written. Absolutely fabulous. You have written a winner here, no doubt about it. All the points I could give..I gave. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...thanks, dog. Yeah, nash took me to task, too about some of the same things. I admit, I didn't put as much into this as I should have. It was another...30 minutes job. Hey..Silverwolf is a cool name for an Indian cop...lmao. No 3B, but definitely a chapter 4 with much more concentration. I want to be a judge!!! LMAO. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Excellent writing, cloe. Let me first echo both nashvillebecker's laudatory remarks and those of Persephonie. I particularily liked how went "off track" (I don't know the writer's term..lol) when Adara took a wrong turn...the scene with religious freaks. I was riding high until the end and, well, I have to say the ending was a bit of a let down. No biggie, though. Top three for this chapter in my book and 5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Oh, boy...this was a ride and a half. Wonderfully done, thabeave. Tension, suspense, great narratives and dialogue and a fabulous introduction of the killer!! 5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...when at first you don't succeed, try, try again...and look here...SUCCESS!! This was very well done, expressionarchitect..very well, indeed. Different than most of the other chapter 3's and left for any number of directions for chapter 4. I hadn't commented or voted on any of the contest stories until now (I didn't want to give anyone a chance to beat me...LOL), but that being a foregone conclusion, now, I'm reading, voting and commenting. My vote here: 4 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Great! Thanks, Persephonie. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Yeehaw! Thanks. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...no not jarring, as in hurtful...jarring, as in "hey, stupid, how could you do something like this?!?" lmao. Hey, it knocked me into revising the danged thing, right? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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LOL...no need to push it...do a chapter 4. It looks like the 3d chapter winner will be a very good mash project. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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By the way..based on your jarring comment that brought to light my major goof on this chapter...I re-wrote it - Thou Shalt Not Kill (3A). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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LOL..nope, Michael Crichton..also an favorite writer of mine. I'm such a fan of SK, though, that I find it hard to understand when someone doesn't know of is work or read any of his books...lol. Sure, the world is way bigger than I thought..;o). I think, based upon what I've seen you write and the type of stories that get you "fired up"...that you'd like Stephen King..alot. Oh, and Dean Koontz. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Jakestar....get off the self deprecation!! You're writing is very good...stretch yourself and you'll see how good it really can be...write a contest chapter!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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Very good follow on, mcrum24! I thought you did a very good job of keeping the tension and mystery rolling. Your narratives were concise and visual...nice job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 6 months ago
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OK...probably illegal, but I simply couldn't let that big mistake of Adara seeing Nona's murder go by. I had to fix it. If it's not eligible for the contest...so be it. But..now, it's fixed. LOL |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Great job, jakestar! Great narrative, character and plot building. Dialogues short but to the point and certainly what "mash" is all about! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Well, the story was well written for the most part, grammatically, anyway. The problem is that it is not very realistic, especially the end where Ali receives a Medal of Honor...naww, don't think so...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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You are an excellent writer, dawn_land. I'd really like to see what you do with something longer and something not so...melancholy. But, what you do write..you do well. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Nope, not the only one. I liked this, too. Very poignant, good narratives. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Great little story, galluscaesar. I liked the way you put this together. My only "negative" comment would be that I'd like to have seen a little more detail to each of the "life events", but hey, it worked this way, too. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Dang...I knew I would screw something up..lol. Oh, well... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Geesh..I thought I'd cancelled this draft!! Well, please ignore. I finally got a final published where the format is not quite as bad as this one...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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First time that formatting has been a problem for me. I know many you have had problems... well, it's not as bad now, as it was forty-five minutes ago...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Congratulations, Nash!!! Great writing and just between you, me and the fence post....I was hoping you'd win so you could become a judge!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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This chapter has been out there a long time...lol. But, it's still a great read! I really enjoyed it, language and all (which, all you 'holier than thou' types...was relatively mild and fit perfectly to the character). Anyway, I thought you built a strong character, developed and interesting plot and left it for any number of storyline twists and turns. Very, very good!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Very well done, Acee! I think you connected perfectly to the first chapter and moved the story forward, considerably. I like your style, too, especially dialogue. It's very real "sounding". Great job and good luck! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Welcome to SM, trinity! An excellent chapter for your first shot, here. You connected very well with the first chapter and moved the story forward with a new (re-visited) dream sequence. A very well written dream sequence, too! Adara now has to take action which sets up the next chapter nicely. Very good job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Silver, if you've got more of this (not posted here), please send it to me email. I don't think I can wait for you to post it here. Fabulous writing!!! Another 5. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Shades of Asimov, twice!!! OS hit the nail on the head. This is fantastic, Silver. Everything about it. I'm not even a fan of SF, but this absolutely grabbed my attention. I'm off to read part 2. In the meantime, 5 points on this one! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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WOW!! This was excellent, all the way around... character development, introducing new info, thrilling, on and on...lol. Normally, dogdeity and I see things alike..well, HE sees and I simply agree..lol. But, I have to decline to agree to his comment, "I’m not completely convinced it was the right direction to take this storyline. I don’t know…it just seemed a little made for TV to me." I think it's a great continuation of the first chapter and a great direction to take this storyline and, finally, the fact that it reads like X-Files or 24 is even better!! 5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Really fantastic dream sequence, excellent writing. Unfortunately, this chapter did very little to further develop the storyline. So little so, that if this chapter wins; the next chapter will, in essence, have to go back to chapter one to find footing. This is well written and you certainly have talent, but because this storyline is a tightly drawn progression ending at ten chapters and you didn't, to my mind, contribute to that progression I can only give you a 3 vote. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Wow...more plot twists and turns here than a roller coaster...lol. Well done! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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This is neat. It would be nice to see a chart like this for the remainder of the current, and all future contests! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Ah, yessss! Subtle...descriptive...great character build for the detective and his "side kick"....good research...and I love stories that throw in german words...lol. Excellent writing, wsells!! Fünf punkte! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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You wrote a powerful second chapter that connected very well with the lead chapter and developed the Adara character quite well. I really like the references to the significance of the number nine, but shouldn't it be ten? There are or will be ten murders to match the 10 commandments, maybe si or maybe no? LOL |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Thanks, Dog...your comments are always appreciated and respected. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Very good chapter, Silver. Although a "sense of urgency" was not fully apparent, leading the reading is, in fact, the "job" of a writer and I thought you did that very well. At some point in this storyline, Adana has to make the police aware of her special talent. You've set that scene up AND given us a glimpse of the next victim and the killer. Excellent!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Silver...really well done. I've known many a man over the years that would fit Jake to a "T". You nailed his character perfectly. Same with the Pendragon. An excellent job of building the background to support the plot and you ended the chapter...well, to use the same work in the same paragraph...perfectly! lol. As with ericswyatt..feel free to contact me directly at lexallen at yahoo dot com...anytime. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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LOL...you got that right, wsells. Spectacular writing Nash, absoultely perfectly done!! I was still ruminating on a chapter two, but Nash has pulled the chair out from under me (and everyone else, I strongly suspect! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Blackhand...excellent writing!! You KNOW I love this kind of stuff and you did a super job of it. I agree, too bad this didn't get in for the contest. I don't know that it would have won, Persephonies story start was truly exceptional, but it certainly would have made the top two or three stories. Really outstanding!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Thanks, Jackoalltrades...I'm surprised that anyone is still reading this..but, very glad you did! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Hey, Shadow...mucho hand claps!! Great job and I'm glad to see you got a pay off for it!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Congratulations, Houlgrave!! Excellent job, obviously and man, you generated some votes... I don't think I've ever seen 50 votes on a chapter...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Big, Big Congratulations, Honeygloom!!! I loved this chapter from the git-go and at least 10 other's agreed!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Thanks, Acee...likely my lack of knowledge of little old ladies...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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LMAO..such ****! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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OK, today is the 28th and round #1 of Contest #5 is complete. There are the top ten story starts listed from 4.8 to 3.9 (I think). The winner will be announced in three days. Is it true that the winner could be any of the top ten, irrespective of their current vote count? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Ah, yes....very, very good. You've already defined an interesting character and set the stage for any number of mash opportunities. AND..you separated the paragraphs!! LOL. Believe I had more fun reading this, simply because of that! Great job! 5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Interesting story start! A little funny now, but could get very serious...no? I like the pace of your stories, they move quickly and are easy to read (except that they would be easier to read if you separated your paragraphs). Good job! 4 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Good story, lonemer. This could go in several directions and you've developed a couple of strong characers! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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LMAO....I'm still laughing. Grreat little story!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Great story, OS!! Loved it and as soon as I can get a chance I'm gonna mash the heck out of it! LOL. This was interesting, compelling reading and a perfect mash product. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Good story chapter. Fairly well written and the "plot" was unique. Nice twist with the rape victim. But...what's this crap - speaking of yourself in third person? Are you a king? A god? Geesh...give it up, please. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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LOL...well, I guess everyone doesn't know about caul's and birth at midnight. This is not going to be a feel good story! But, it certainly starts out that way and the writing is great, in particular the narratives about giving birth. Not that I have...lol...but, I'm a proud father of five and I've been there all five times. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Thanks - All for the comments, especially regarding the cop. In my defense, not an excuse, I was thinking that this was a small town in which everyone knew everyone else and that the cop would therefore be, more open than a big city cop. Especially, when talking to an old lady that had identified herself as a friend to his grandmother. Well...write and learn....it's all cool. Thanks again for the comments. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Persephonie...this is FANTASTIC!! Every story I've read from you has been better than the previous, but this...this is a gigantic leap over them all. I am awed and humbled by your display of imagination and tremendous writing skills in this chapter! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Parking lot, smarking lot...it's a detail. Important for real publication but probably not so much here. I think what counts most here is the idea, plot, the flow of the story - pace, characterization and, of course, mashing. In all of those areas, nash, you're fantastic and probably so in areas I haven't seen, yet...lol. Transparency...5 points! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Creative is an understatement!! Outstanding is an understatement! Really, wsells, I loved this. Can you tell? lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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I loved this, Silver and I'm looking forward to more, not just this storyline. I agree with everything honeygloom said. There are several suicide stories here, but this one, though started that way, doesn't have to go the final step, does it? I can see a lot of possibilities now that Kip has interrupted Rick's solitude. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Absolutely, and thanks! I kind of thought you were referring, at least partially to my mash, but then I noticed I was reading the comment section of ericswyatt's chapter and thought...oops! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Thanks, Silver. You're right, I do tend to leave those subtle expressions and body language out, especially when I'm writing something fast. I will surely work on that and thanks to comments like yours, I will become the writer that I wannabe...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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LOL...I liked this. Funny and interesting. Like Silver, I haven't a clue what to do with it, mash wise, but I did enjoy reading it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Cool!! You obviously have a great imagination to come up with this premise and the storytelling itself was done very well! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Very nice! Not my usual genre, but I enjoyed this, very much. You laid out your characters very well, developed a great plot and left it for a great mash. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Great start, pssmyers. Interaction between the characters, conflict, several obstacles to resolution....damn, all around a wonderful story start! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Great start, pssmyers. Interaction between the characters, conflict, several obstacles to resolution....damn, all around a wonderful story start! 5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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I normally make a comment if it's not something good. But, this is so ridiculous that I couldn't help myself. This is not a story!! This is drivel and this line sums it up: "Women talk a lot without thinking, if they are in emotion. Men act a lot with out thinking. That's why many of prisoners are men all over the world." What ****!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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You know what I just noticed...oh, man...Silver, you weren't commenting on my mash were you. LMAO...what an idiot I am sometimes...geesh!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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You're right on, Silver. The whole time I was writing this I struggled with the emotional and thought process of an almost 80 year old woman. As I wrote ericswyatt, too, I have difficulty with a female point of view, as well (which by the way he handled truly well in one of his chapters). But, it's all practice and fine tuning, right? I think so. And then, of course, folks like yourself that stand up and point it out along with that nice bone you threw me. Thank you, very much!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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LOL...if not, I beat ya to it. So, now, it does (at least in my continuation) confirm what I thought it did...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Fantastic!! Annabelle's character is beautifully done. Excellent narratives! When she bit into the cookie and noticed an aftertaste, I thought, "Ah-ha" and then you confirmed with the ambulances at all the neighbors houses...Wow! 5 points all the way! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Where is the page with the current #5 contest stories? If I posted a chapter yesterday or today..where does someone find it to vote on before the 28th? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Oh, man! Sometimes I kick myself in the butt for not spending more time finding jewels like this. Loved this....glad I found it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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I agree with the recent comment by "silver". I was reading a chapter the other day and then went to make a comment. A fellow named "ericswyatt" had given some very detailed, constructive criticism. I was impressed. The author of the chapter and several others weren't. I commented, not to the chapter, but to ericswyatt, that I would love to receive critiques like his, anytime. The next day he read and critiqued one of my chapters and it was among the very best I've ever received. I wish I could reciprocate, but I'm a lousy critic..... ..lol. I can tell you if a story is good or not (for me) but, I can't get into the detail that some of the writer's here are capable of. So, yep..read and comment and you'll get read and commented upon...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Wow...thanks, ericswatt. That was one of the very best critiques I've ever received, here or anywhere else! Right on about the cliche. I didn't give it any thought when I wrote it. I usually avoid cliches but...well, sometimes they seem to be right, to fit. LOL...I sure didn't know that pigs don't sweat much. Now, I'm going to look it up and find out why! Thanks, again...very much. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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I loved this, ericswyatt. I've tried to write from a female perspective and I know how hard it is..for me. It sure seemed easy for you! I think you captured their give and take, emotions and actions very well. I really like the premise, too. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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I'm no good at critique but, I do know a good story when I see one and this is the beginning of a very good story. Very well written, indeed. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Very adept, OS! I love the yin-yang analogy playing in his head. I was a little confused with the Red Suit, White Suit but only until I read it three times..lol. Seriously, very well done. Fünf Punkte! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Hey, Dr. Dog...great oncology lesson...lol. Great chapter, boobie. Like the good Dr. I could really associate with this chapter. Good narrative and dialogue in a great mix. 5 points from me. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Wow, honeygloom...I agree with dog. This is one of your very best! Loved it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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I liked it...a lot. It's really difficult to get a whole danged day into a chapter. I mean, I tried. I really did and it took two very long parts to get from breakfast to early evening...lol. Irregardless of that...this was a very well written chapter! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Hey, ericswyatt...you're welcome to read my work and critique the hell out of it! I'm serious. I write here for practice and for comments/ critique. I learn something from every comment, good, bad or indifferent. You are right in saying that that is the purpose of comments. It's just a shame that many, here on SM (not necessarily you, marissa) can't take the criticism. It's equally a shame that there is some fairly unbelievable and uniformed critics. Well...different strokes for different folks, right? Me? I like it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Great writing, visigoth. Excellent use of dialogue to build your characters and the transition to the "problem" was very well done. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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LOL...neat start, very clever. Well done!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Ah, brilliant, nash...absolutely brilliant. What a story? Man, I love this. Superb dialogue that really established the characters. Mystery and spookiness galore. I can't say enough...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Another great chapter, SelfStart. You've definitely got me hooked. I hope you'll continue. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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So, I was smoking dope when I suggested to add a chapter...et al....not really, but it's the best excuse I can come up with at the moment. My bad! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Very, very good, cheese. You've really set this up for a rollicking conclusion. Damn, you almost made the preacher a good guy....lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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I forgot to add...you also did a great saving my butt on a couple of points...Dave's reaction to Melanie's suicide for one! Excellent. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Hallelujah!! Great job, psycho. I couldn't figure out how to bring the mysterious package into the open, but you sure did....and fabulously, to boot!! Very well done, my friend! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Great, great writing!! Loved it...the surprise ending was superbly prepared and executed! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Cool story start! Captured my interest immediately, good narrative paragraphs and story build. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Holy cow...I don't how that happened... lol...three of the same comments. Geesh! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Oh, this is getting better and better. You are doing a splendid job of maintaining the suspense and pace of the story as well, as developing a beautiful plot. Well done. One thing! Please use the "Write Next Chapter" button when posting so that your chapters stay in sequence and don't show up as individuals on the new stories page. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Oh, this is getting better and better. You are doing a splendid job of maintaining the suspense and pace of the story as well, as developing a beautiful plot. Well done. One thing! Please use the "Write Next Chapter" button when posting so that your chapters stay in sequence and don't show up as individuals on the new stories page. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Oh, this is getting better and better. You are doing a splendid job of maintaining the suspense and pace of the story as well, as developing a beautiful plot. Well done. One thing! Please use the "Write Next Chapter" button when posting that your chapters stay in sequence and don't show up as individuals on the new stories page. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Ooops, sorry about misspelling your moniker... lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Mr_Collings. This is really well written. The only thing I could ask is that you use a larger font and separate paragraphs and dialogue. Just makes it easier to read. The story itself is very well done. I really like this girl and I'm curious to learn more about her past and her future. Good job and 5 points from me. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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A hearty welcome to SM!! And what a great chapter you've entered into the fray! Very good, indeed. I loved this storyline and you did a very neat job with characterization, narrative and dialogue. 5 points from me on your first shot! More, please. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Have you ever heard of the "comma"? No? Mmmm, quotation marks around dialogue? No? Mmmm, well, how about capitalization? No, again? Damned hard to write without those things. Actually, it's probably easier to write without those things but it's definitely hard to read. Ever heard that writer's write for other to read? No? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Way to go, blackhand!! You definitely stuck witht he storyline and added a neat twist when Derek shots at Not-Susan and hits Not-Andrew. Psycho is going to have a ball wrapping up this storyline with the leave you gave him!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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I normally read comments before the story. This time I didn't and I immediately picked up that Not Susan and co. were the same as those "kidnapped" and hypnotized to play their role. Excellent writing, dog. I especially liked the ending...Not-Susan showing up with two kids...and three souls left...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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aptriplett: No one said that Kirakun wasn't a good writer. All of our comments were well intentioned. The purpose of the comments block is to make comments...both positive and negative feedback. Kirakun's responses to the comments is as much appreciated as the original comments should be. He is not defending, he is explaining things that "we", his readers, didn't understand. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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I loved it. Great storyline, excellent character build. The narrative was honest and real and moved the story along at a good pace. Great work, draggnfly1302! 5 points. I admit that I read the comments before the story...I always do. I thought the ending was perfect! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Welcome to SM. This is an interesting storyline. The scene inside the jail (?) is pretty good but you lost me early and late. The fog was so thick that he couldn't see where he was going but he COULD see someone "in the distance"? A huge gorge in the middle of town? "I could him still screaming inside..." the creature but, then he only bit off his face? Confusing at best. Still a very good storyline. I'd suggest you walk through it in your head and proof it to make sure everything matches. 2 points for the storyline. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Oh, yeah!! Great chapter mcnellism, really, really good! I love how you've build Grace's character and brought Jeff around so nicely. And..hey...you've attracted some high powered attention. I hope you'll consider contacting theblackhand and honeygloom. I like to have you in those projects. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Thanks, mellsy..more than anything else I always to try to throw curveballs into the story...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Man, theblackhand's chapter was a bitch to follow! I couldn't figure out what to do with James, he was in such deep, deep ****. So...I passed the buck. Let Malena take it from here...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Wonderful chapter, blackhand, truly! 5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Great job, here, HG. Double what wsells wrote. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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Muy excellento! Great job, blackhand. 5 points! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 7 months ago
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****-Kicking!! No doubt about it! Wonderfully written...all the way around. 5 big points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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I love vampire stories, especially female vampires...lol. I think I may have some kind of a complex about it...vampiricmatriarchsius complex or something...lol. Don't worry..I have it tightly confined! Seriously, love the story but it loses power through the grammatical errors and tense changes. And, Persephonie's comment about spacing is right on the money. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Love the story. Didn't care much for the writing style. It's not the same as you've used previously. It's almost as if you were "trying too hard"...maybe trying to be too "literary". You have a great imagination...write it in plain, simple words. But, as I said...I love the story! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Super job! I really like this storyline. If my plate weren't so full, at the moment, I'd definitely mash. Maybe later after you've developed it more. On the other hand, it's been a couple of months so I guess you're not planning more. Too bad....but, still a great first chapter!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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This is great! Loved it! You've been asking for comments (critique?). Well, there's not enough room here to really get to the details of the mechanics of writing. Mechanics are really the only part of writing that you need to work on. You've got talent, you're able to build characters and move them smoothly through the storyline (plot). Your narrative and dialogue paragraphs are well coordinated. Here some quick points on mechanics that you might work on: |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Cool chapter...lol. Leaves for a lot of questions and any direction anyone could think of...very good! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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I don't know why you're not getting comments, either. So...I'm starting at the bottom of your posted list and working my way up. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Nicely done! You attracted interest from the first sentence and finished with a flourishing, surprising conclusion, though not a conclusion at all. Great job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Whew! I'm sure glad you made it to the story title...lol. Very well written. Erotic but not pornographic. Now, what would a naked woman, dog in arm do in the middle of a tornado? I sure hope to find out! Good job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Tsk, tsk, Persephonie....shame on you! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Fantastic, mm559! Really an intense, fast read that didn't miss a trick. I would love to mash this one, but I've got too much on my plate at the moment. Regardless, someone will or maybe (hopefully)you'll continue the storyline yourself! A+ 5 points! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Excellent, excellent chapter, mellsy! Turning the story to almost "normal", defining the previous events as dreams or dreamlike and the upbeat attitude for the remaining days was superb writing. Agree totally with HG' comments about developing the wife and children characters. FIVE points! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Thanks, blackhand. Maybe I've been reading too much of your stuff?!?...lmao. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Super job! I think you followed the start chapter perfectly and gave the character build a few more building blocks. I especially liked this sentence: "I'm beginning to think that they know about me, the urges, the red sprays I envision as they talk at me. Yes, at me. They talk as if I'm some Silly Putty man." Very visual, very good. 5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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I'm still getting around to reading your work, blackhand...slowly, but surely!! lol. I loved this! I'm not sure if someone can really know that he is insane but, your writing makes me believe it. That sentence that dog highlighted got me, too. I read it about 20 times because I liked it so much! 5 points! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Great follow-up to MG's chapter! You latched onto the end of his and drove it beautifully. And, you left it perfectly for someone to take off with it. Good writing, Acee-A!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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nearsighted: Your start chapter was good but very ambiguous and short. I think marcusgregory gave this storyline a very good direction and left it at a point for any and all kinds of direction changes. Good job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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LOL...you're right on with that comment "could never be written....". Thanks for the comments, HG. I was really worried that everyone would serious slam me on this part of the chapter and I'm relieved that, for the most part, everyone sees it for what I intended. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Thanks, dog, not only for the 5 but mostly because you "hung" in there and I think saw the scene for what it was. I wanted to demonstrate how extreme character swings can be with a brain tumor. Of course, it depends on where the tumor is located, how big it is, etc. Assuming the worst place and the biggest size, these types of things are possible. It has often been suggested that deep within everyone lies an animal, an animal that has no morals, no ethics, no conscience. A brain tumor could release, even for only a short period, that animal. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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I've done those things myself, many times. In your case, it did not detract from an exemplary chapter. Beautifully written, the scene where Tony tells her had me on the verge of tears..seriously. And I loved the line...."pink slip from life". Really outstanding! Another 5. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Wow. This was an excellent mash, Persephonie. You used all the key points of the previous chapter and really light a fire. I'm off to read part 2. 5 points on this one! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Day 3 is posted. It's in two parts. CAUTION on part 2. It includes extreme violence and homosexual sex. Hey....I wanted to get down and dirty and this was the first opportunity I've had to do so. If it offends anyone....well, sorry. I warned ya! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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I confess. Lots of grammatical errors. Normally, I proofread before I publish and get most of these kinds of errors but...I didn't this time. Damn. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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CAUTION: Part 2 contains some extreme violence and homosexual sex! I have no basis of experience...I simply wanted to shock and awe. This is really the first opportunity I've had to do that!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Good comment, dog. You know I feel like a..uh, what's the term they use for politicians that switch their stance on a particular issue, back and forth?..lol. Yeah. So, I just posted Day 3 parts 1 and 2. CAUTION: Part 2 contains some extreme violence and homosexual sex! I have no basis of experience...I simply wanted to shock and awe. This is really the first opportunity I've had to do that!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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OK...I stand corrected, as it were. Persephonie made some very good points and I concede to her (?) argument. I will adjust my thought process for a chapter accordingly. Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Persephonie...what quetzacoatl is saying is that the mood swings (for lack of a better term) are ultra-extreme with this kind of tumor. One minute the victim could be gently playing with a puppy and the next, he's wringing the puppy's neck. That is the beauty of this storyline. From one chapter to the next he can go from Rambo to Bambi....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Excellent!! I just commented on the initial chapter that blackhand had "set the stage" for chapter two...telling his family about his tumor. Damned if you didn't accomplish with great imagination and set the course for the next 28 days. Muy excellento! Cingo! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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This is an interesting premise, blackhand. I think everyone has had thoughts or variations of the theme, "what would I do if I knew I only had XX days to live?" I can visualize everything from the "serious" (meaning what one would REALLY do) to the way far out (pure fantasy what I would do stuff). Anyway, count me in and thanks for the invite. I'm not sure though how to follow through. Will these be stand alone days or should they mash with the previous day? You've kind of set the tone for chapter two...he has to tell his family...after that? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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OK...I'm stupid...you already posted the first chapter...geesh....lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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I also want to wait until you've posted the first chapter....;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Thanks for the invite. I'm going to wait before I say that I'm in because I plan to do some really "dasturdly", violent and nasty things on my day and if I do that at the beginning.... everyone will have to continue in that vein (maybe, maybe not)...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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So, I'm sitting at my desk eating lunch and, as I forgot to get a newspaper, decided to browse SM for some new stories. I remembered that I hadn't checked out your page in a while, so I did and found this jewel! How I missed it before now is mind boggeling...lol. This is fantastic writing, Raven....truly. I loved it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Well...dog, you took this one into a very interesting direction...lol. I liked how you mixed some of the other storylines in. That was way cool. I have to admit that I got a little "lost" with the angel/preacher confrontation so I read it a couple of times until I got it (OK..I'm a little slow on the uptake sometimes..lol). The end was a great leave and the next in line should be able to really go somewhere with it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Thanks, blackhand...I was wondering if you'd ever get around to reading this one. I was especially interested in your comment because of your expertise in the horrific! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Thanks, dog! Yeah, the character f... up has been bothering ever since HG brought it to my attention. Well, hopefully, I'll live...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Very good mash! I agree with honeygloom, too. The phone call from his dead family and the TV newscast were perfect "setups" for the next chapter, as well as the picture of Wineas Randolph (although I doubt it would have been anything more than a drawing) dissolving in smoke. I agree with wsells in that your thoughts and sentence structure were clearer in the beginning and disintegrated as the story progressed. I disagree, though, that that was due to rushing through as you posted a draft a day before the final. I think we are at a point in the contest where almost all of the stories (chapters) contents are excellent. The discriminating factor (for votes) then hinges on the mechanics of writing; grammar, sentence structure, etc. For story, I'd vote you a 5...for mechanics a 3...averages out to 4 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Like ShadowMan, I haven't the time to appropriately comment so.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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OS...I read this a month ago and intended comment, but didn't (one day less than a month ago I could've told you why...not anymore). This is really, really great writing. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Welcome to SM, Prefonlane. A good first submission, here. You sure like "tactful and nuanced"...lol. Unless it was intentional, I have to agree with Persephonie. Pug's last comment was neither tactful nor nuanced. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Powerful...extremely powerful writing, Persephonie! A+++ or 5 points, as the case may be. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Manipulative? Nawww....I was leaning toward "cunning"...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Before I get a bunch of punches....I KNOW it's supposed to be right down my alley...ok? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Yeehaw! Chewing testicles to get a history lesson! Man, what an imagination...lol. And a great lesson it was, too. I recently told Raven that only women could be truly machiavellian (I bet I misspelled that....again!) but, I was wrong or...uh, have you like been taking lots of estrogen supplements? Great chapter, wsells! I wish I was next in line because you know, this is right down "my line"...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Aw, man....brilliant! All in the poor guy's mind..insanity...and it ain't close to being over, is it? Your unique writing style has been mentioned many, many times...a lot of those times by yours truly and here, again, that style has carried the day into a long night for our "hero"...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Getting his ex-brother in law over in order to get a gun was genius! Excellent chapter, nash! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Dang, I really screwed up who was who, huh? I should have written 'em down, but I thought I had it pretty well in my head. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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I voted you a 4 on this chapter because it is so very well written, as I've come to expect from you...;o). However, this chapter really slowed things down and..well, if this were a novel (and maybe it is or you might be developing it to become one) I could better understand this chapter. As such, a short story, to my mind it has no place and does nothing to advance the intensity you started with. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Another excellent chapter, Persephonie!! You maintained the intensity level and put another twist into the plot. I'm with dog, though, it took me a few reads to "get it" with the basement...lol. 5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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I have to admit that I struggled with the first chapter but...not with this one. You cleared everything up and now we have a story! Good combination of narrative, thoughts and dialogue. Great plot twist with a woman being the stalker (really, really good). I hope you continue this...5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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A little short, but very well written. Hard to tell where the plot is going but I like how you set things up for a mash. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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First chapter I've read of yours, but it won't be the last. This is very well written. Flatline is probably the most mashed story on SM and this, Persephonie is among the top three in my book. 4 points! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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I hate it when dog gets a comment in before I do...lol. He leaves me with nothing left to say except...ditto..yup, I agree..double what dog said. Well, I'm not much of a critic, commenter anyway. But, I will say this. I am pleasantly surprised and amazed at this display of creativity (dang, dog said that, too) and I am in awe, as always of your technical skill. I tremble everytime I have to follow you. Fortunately, wsells is on the hot seat, then Houlgrave and then....me. I am doomed, no doubt about it! 5 points, nash...wonderful writing! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Door to Door Evangelist 6.1 and 6.2 are posted. I ran long and pulled a dog trick on ya....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Well, I wrote this and it took hours. Then, I couldn't post because it was too long...1,104 words too long. No way was I going to spend another hour or more "cutting" it. So, I pulled a dog on ya...lol.....two for the price of one! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Excellent follow-on, mellsy. I have to admit that this is not my genre, particularly; but, the writing is so good that it keeps me interested! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Spelling, grammar, etc is not so bad as to be overly worried, mellsy. Your writing skills are obvious and there's not anyone on this website that doesn't make "fat finger" mistakes...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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A belated welcome to SM, mellsy. I often read dogdeity's work and "stumbled" onto this mash. I often run out of superlatives when a story or chapter really "gets" to me and this is another case. Your chapter is exceptionally well written. Full of emotion that readers cannot ignore, it drives right to the heart. Dog's "Flatline" has spawned a torrent of mash's but this one...this one is by far the best. 5 points on your first shot and I'm lookng forward to reading more of your work...in fact, I'm going to go see what else you've got, now! lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Raven, thanks for your comments and support. Whew!! If I'd have known this little ol' chapter would've generated so much discussion...I'd...I'd have made it longer...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Good job, cheeseliker! You've left me a good lead. Only negative I have is that you changed the spelling of "Stuart"...no big deal, but...which do I use...lol. I think I'll go back to the original. Good expansion on the demon and creating new questions about who he really is: perfect for the next chapters. 4 points |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Fantastic imagination! Superb writing! This is really a "cream of the crop" story, dog. I loved it. Absolutely! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Thanks all and welcome to SM, portionsforfoxes! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Oh, yeah...so intense!! Loved it and by far the best "2nd" to the original "Flatline". |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Psycho - sorry if I stepped on your toes. If so, it was definitely unintentional and, as you noted yourself...this IS fiction. I, too, am a student of religious history. In fact, I am writing a novel that, although a fiction thriller, is based on religious facts and, well...pretty much blows all of the "big 3" out of the water! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Florida done ya good!! You've come back with a vengeance...a vengeance for superb, thriller writing!! Muy excellento! Ausgezeichnet! I especially liked how you mixed Lionel Ritchie and a song title into the sentence..."genial"! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Excellent writing, houlgrave! I, too, was a little dismayed by the brevity of this chapter, but it did move the story forward, left off for a good mash and, typically for you, superior writing skills. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Wow! You've out-written anything else I've seen from you, blackhand. Truly. I know you put a lot of effort into this chapter..two drafts before the final..and it sure paid off. Very, very good!! From the Milton poem at the beginning, through an excellent scene at the cemetery to the leave for the next chapter...excellent! 5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Thanks, honeyG..I'm looking forward to your chapter....;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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I liked the first one, I like this one even better. You are very good at putting your reader into the mind of insanity. 4 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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You did a great job as a fill-in. I can understand how you would want to hold back a little but, next time (and I'm sure there will be a next time) don't hold back...let it all hang out, my friend!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Thanks, Honeygloom!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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You moved the story along very well while maintaining "you can be with them" theme. The chapter is tight and moves quickly, which, for me, is always good. A few things bothered me while I was reading. 1) The consistent use of "he". I know that several of the chapters have changed from 1st person to 3rd and I think one of the storylines has gone from 1st to 3rd and back again...lol. But, when you changed to third person, you missed a perfect opportunity to give the guy a name and therefore, break up so many "he's" at the beginning of a large marjority of the sentences. 2) I make this mistake (all the time) and that is, that there is not enough of what the character is thinking, feeling. I believe your chapter would have been so much better if you had punctuated his thoughts and added to them so that we, the reader's had a better idea of what he was thinking, feeling, etc. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Good job, wsells!! I thought you showed his "sane" side very well while maintaining the fact that he definitely not exactly sane, anymore. Moving the story to a new locale and bringing the preacher back into the picture was a very nice plot move. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Thank you, Raven...wonderful comments (and not only because they were laudatory). I can't believe I really consciously did all of that..lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Hey, dog...and all....I've done my thing and posted "Devils Night (5)". You can take the red out of that box...thankee sai! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Oh...the transparency thing...5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Ah, lovely! Great job, Raven. You brought the Amish family into the story very well and the plot turn to a potential demon couldn't have been any better. I'm sure dog will have a field day with the leave you gave him...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Ummm, well....uh.....sorry, cheese. I didn't like this much. Too short. Didn't really move the story forward. I mean, for me, it was just --blah. Basically, a recap of the previous. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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OMG!!! What a ride! What devious plotting! What a gut wrencher! Man, you got it all in here. Fabulous! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Yeah, I know that Raven is filling in for Shadow and she did that with "Devil's Night (4)" but Shadow was up for "Feasting From Afar (6)" which Houl did....ergo, my question. Hey, it do get a mite confussin' sometime! lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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BTW...I think that you are at bat for "The Message", "Door to Door Evangelist" and "One to Remember" storylines. You kicked this one off. Are you filling in for Shadow? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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It's great seeing you back. I thought we'd lost you...lol. Superb! Simply superb! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Thanks, Raven. I didn't "feel right" about this one when I published -- something was missing but I didn't know what (and didn't take the time to really look). So, you're right on the money in your comments. I really should have spent more time on the Amish leader..sigh.. It'll be interesting to see what happens! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Glad you like the direction I took chapter 2...you want to do 3 and I'll come back for 4? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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No, I didn't see the intro (I've written an intro a couple of times but can never find them when I read) and I wasn't completely familiar with the verse (I haven't memorized the Bible..lol) so I looked it up to be sure. I like that idea..."half finished so it sounds less ominous for now.."- Did you know that I follow you on this? LOL |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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I think that several of the storylines are developing (almost) too fast so a toe tap versus a kick down the road is probably not so bad. I like the title and the inference of it. Maybe you could have upped the ante by including the "dishonor" part of that verse? I especially liked the flashback (hard to do in a short story, I think). It established their relationship beautifully. All in all very, very good. I'm really happy to see you in the game! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Whew! Vampire stories are usually so cliche that one could read them, skipping half and still get the whole thing. This is so much different and therefore, better! You write beautifully. Characterization, plotting, just enough descriptive detail to set the scene without becoming boring, visually superb. I can't say enough...lol. I would like to mash this but, honestly, I could not do it justice. Please continue... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Oops, next chapter still in draft. Well, as I said, truly excellent writing. You've built very strong characters, kept the suspense taut and the plotting is perfect. I hope you'll continue! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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This is fabulous writing, danceronice!! Truly excellent...I'm off to read the next chapter. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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And, by the way, dog hasn't logged in since May 13....7 days ago! Anyone heard anything from him? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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The problem is that Houl is "up" in three story lines...quite a piece of work for poor theblackhand! We'll just have to be patient. I'm sure he'll get to 'em. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Ah, this is soooo good! I've still got goosebumps! You really expanded on the golem angle and that plot turn...oh, man! Fan...effing...tastic!! Absolutely among the very best in the entire series! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Super, super, super!! I loved this, psycho and obviously your military experience paid off big time. Great characterization and action...fabulous plotting....I wish I were following you on this one because the leave for a mash is outstanding! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Oops, make that 30 minutes! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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I couldn't resist...let me know what you think of my mash. Please forgive typos, I wrote this in about 15 minutes, I think, and just hit publish...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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This could be taken a number of directions and that's what make it such a great starting chapter. Oh, and well written to boot! 4 stars. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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I've generally been "worn out" with zombie stories, but this one is keeping me awake. You've done a really good job here. I was hoping (and still am) that you or someone is going to throw some new kind of twist to the story to make it not "just another zombie story"...lol. So, far so good..another 4 points from me. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Excellent first chapter, mcnellism. I see you've got the second up so, I'll without further comment until I've read that one. I gave you a 4 on this one.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Thanks, all. I was worried about lengthening and extendng the storyline too far. With this we're at about the half-way mark which, I think, creates a bit of a problem in that it could leave the last, or next to last, chapter very little wiggle room! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Great follow-on. My only "complaint" is that both this and the initial chapter are too short...but, dang, it's powerful. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Cool start....you've got my attention, that's for sure....what's next? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Great job, Psycho. You moved the story forward and left it hanging, perfectly!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Lovely...quick, concise. Good plotting and characterization. Looking forward to what she does next! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Very nice start and you followed your own advice on writing quite well...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Another gold star for good deeds. You've provided a very informative piece of writing and I'm certain that it will be a huge benefit to the writer's here on SM. I know that I can - and will - improve my writing, thanks to this and nash's post...if I can remember it all....lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Fictional autobiographies have, indeed, been written. In fact, I have one rolling around in my head somewhere...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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lamexicanita - I agree with negative/positive criticism. Here on SM, though, it's hard initially, to know who can take the negative and who can't. Those who can't, have in the past bombed (voted down) the critic. Certainly, I could mash a chapter (or anyone else) regardless of others and have, on occasion. As to your last sentence I mostly mash for the great writing practice it give me. I recently had a couple of my original works removed as I may have plans for them, down the road, and don't want a "rights" issue to arise. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Agree...big, big fan of SK. I don't know if anyone mashing this story is decided, yet, on what kind of monster we have but, you're right, the transformation process itself is worth following regardless of the final product. I'm sure glad you wrote that in English...it takes me a loooonnnggg time to translate...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 8 months ago
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Great comment, OS....lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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A big, big gold star up there in heaven for your good deed, nash. Excellent advice...I remember one of your comments to a chapter I wrote about using the word "just"....lol....now, I'm scared scared of the danged thing!!! Seriously, thank you. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Outstanding dialogue between the two characters...very realistic and well, the subject..lol...gruesome is for gruesome (and kinky) minds!!! Nice leave... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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"I could hear the click of rosary beads against my mother’s rings..." great line. Great follow, too. I'm not so much concerned about the lack of freaking out over the words on the door, although admittedly, I think they probably should have freaked a little more...lol...but, the story moved past it fairly quickly and I hardly noticed..;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Ah...sweet. After reading the comments, I agree with boobiewalker for a different reason. If he bought the house in 1771, he probably wasn't a cowboy but regardless...a simple "NO!" is, in my humble opinion infintely more scary than HELL NO. Especially when you KNOW it comes from a ghost....lol. Great start...equals...great points! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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And the Lord said, "Let there be LIGHT!" and damned if Bailey didn't turn on the light switch and reveal a menagerie of violence and monsters. Let me hear ya say, "AMEN!" |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Superb! Off to part 2.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Uh-huh....LOL |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Uh-huh..yep...I reckon so....lmao. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Or, maybe it's a (gee, could it possibly be?) STORY and not a real autobiography? Hmmm, me thinks only the author could, would tell for sure. Whatever, I liked it...alot. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Super mash to your original (discounting the other mash)...looking for more!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Neat start. A little short, but only my opinion. You left a good mash lead.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Great language, great character development. Well,I do have one complaint about the language..if you're going to use the words, ****, ****, bitch, ****, etc. USE em! I imagine you don't so as not to "offend" some of your readers, but there are filters here on SM to handle that and for me (and perhaps a few others, at least..lol) I prefer the impact of the real words versus the distraction of the made up wannabe words. You know? OK..'nough rantin'...I really, really like your stuff and voted you a 5. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I've never kept a diary or a log, but I would imagine the writing style to be something similar to this...good job. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Neat opening chapter. Excellent work establishing the characters and perfect leave for a mash! I'm not sure what theblackhand was referring to on the grammar? Good job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I agree with dog, you display alot of emotion but it doesn't come over well, overall because of flawed sentence structure and grammar. For example, I liked this line, "everyday he walked out the door less alive, everyday he returned home, more defeated", and several others like this that had no connectivity with sentences before or after. In other words, the story doesn't flow from one thought, emotion, action to the next. It's confusing. Again, like dog and wsells, I think you've got some tremedous potential and with improved writing skills you will surely...'blow your readers away with your depth of emotions'. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Oh, boy! Not only great writing but you put me on the spot. I'm going to have to do some intensive research to continue...thaaannnkkkss! LOL. 5, of course! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Back. Seems dog is about 5/8ths of the way through a big bottle....LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Ist, ja, wunderbar!!! Too bad this one isn't in the contest...huh?..lol. Great follow up and I see that dog has joined the fray...off to read. 5 points, of course! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Great storyline and intro....I'm a big fan of Einstein's theories about time and space and I will certainly be following this one! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Fantastic! About two months have passed and there must be more.....please post or send me more, shadow. I love this! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Dumb bad luck is all I can say about not seeing this before now! This is an excellent beginning for a novel and fabulous writing! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Excellent chapter, shovon. You really kept pace with the storyline and put some fantastics twists and turns in it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Nice chaper here, OS....loved the bit about "tears causing all that disruption"....touching. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Good job, danceronice! I especially liked the way you included the "click-clack" of heels and made it through to the end "Trickster. The natives called Coyoute." |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Beautifully written, Shadow...if one can say "beautiful" about horror. Wonderful plotting....great leave....excellent visuals...simply great!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Super job, HoneyG...good research on the weapons info and a great, great, leave..."Caroline?" Oh,YES! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Holy ****, dog.... THIS>> WAS>>> SUPERCALAFRAGELISTICEXPEALADOCHES....or some really effin' great word like that! I've plumb run out of superlatives. Just killed a lady that gave him a ride and says, "The last thing I need is to lose my mind"...priceless and such a good leave. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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This is NOT a short story. This is an essay and a most excellent one at that!! A PLUS. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Hey, dog, I was thinking temp when I filled in for Elevator_Music but I see you've put WWB everywhere....cool....thanks! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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elionwyr...welcome to SM. You are certainly welcome to mash any story/chapter you'd like, even this one. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Well, I'm not really happy about this one. I don't think I moved the story forward very much but, I hope that I left enough, at the end for a good mash. Psycho is up, I think. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Sorry, I don't see the connection between this chapter(?) and the previous. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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It took me a few minutes to clarify for myself why this was a mash rather than a new story...lol. I got it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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psycho...I know that you're anxious to get to the "Mary" storyline, but dang...nash and houlgrave are a bitch to follow...lol. What's my deadline? I'm going to have to do some serious thinking before I write that third chapter... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I just learned that I'm to replace elevator_music (temp?). Anyway, that means I've got to follow this and Nash's original...sheesh! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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SpongeBob...sigh. Yep, should have known that..lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Holy moley, wsells, what a ride!!! I am sitting here laughing and shivering at this fabulous display of imagination and writing. As I got to the next to last paragraph I thought, "No..he can't be killing off the preacher now"...lol, but danged if you didn't send in replacements. Fantastic!!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...good thing you waited until after supper at least, honeyG. Thanks! OK..per psycho, I'll continue to write in EM's place. Of course, when (if) he comes back, I'll hand over the reigns if he wants them back...grudgingly, but I'll do it...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Nash, you are truly the master story teller! Exquisite! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Super job! I liked how he worked off his anger chiseling off the message only to catch it again in the boy's room. Great leave, too..."The Church"...ah, yes! 5 |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Concur, concur with all above, except psycho..geesh, what an after thought "great continuation, btw"...LOL. Just kidding psycho, bud. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Subtle is good, honeyG. Your subtle is great. If wsells had to read it a couple of times, you know I had to read twice that much. But, it wasn't "had to", it was "very much want to" because you know it's so good you don't want to leave it thinking you might have missed something, so...you read it again. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks, guys! Should I continue to write in Elevator_Music's place or was this a one time shot until he can get back into the swing of things? Either way's good for me. I admit I really enjoyed having a shot in here, though...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Aye, Lassie, but look at wot they'd a been publishin'! I mean it ain't a sod a shite, is it? But it ain't pulitzer neither and whose to say anyone'd buy it? Now that other piece ya did, that Lost Souls...ah, now that's a near masterpiece, what? Id no be wastin' it with the likes a these blokes, no lady, not a tall! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...so you pulled a hoax on them, too, all by your lonesome. Excellent! But, there's got to be a better way, you know? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...wonderful! Who cares about the punctuation, grammar, etc...hey, you did warn us, right? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Hi Sondador...I haven't seen you on SM for a long time, wondering what happened? Hope nothing bad. Please drop me an email at lexallen@yahoo.com |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...no sweat, a-tall, wsells...I thought it was funny. Geesh, however do you write anything with all that commotion going on? LOL Just remember, someday you'll be able say, "been there, done that", like me!! Just remember, my friend, don't blink on the way! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I like being thought of as Honey G, except that she's like, you know, a girl and all....lol. Another solid line drive to center field, dog!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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It's amazing how you've all kept the original tone of the storyline. It's sometimes difficult to believe that several people are writing each storyline...lol. Excellent writing, here and I agree with dog....methinks Charlotte and son are in for a rough day! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...excellent writing. Loved the tale and the rhymes. And the close was perfect. 5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Handling the dialogue and action of a crowd is really, really difficult...at least for me. You do it excellently as if born to it...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Wow, a first. I'm the first to comment. So, and it has to be the oner...the singleton...the numero uno chapter that (I felt) didn't lend anything or not much to the story. Dang! Not that it was badly written, by no means. Not that it didn't fit, either. It just didn't DO anything to progress the story. It was kind of like...well, a pause...lol. I don't mean this badly. I still love this story and your skills...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Another fabulous chapter. There's not a single "down" chapter here. It's all up. It's all running. There is no let down, anywhere. Great work! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Another tear weller upper...beautiful! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I learn things from reading comments, too. Like honey's "Caleb is Hebrew for dogs" and dog's..."This is one of those times where I fold the book closed...." |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Dang, honeygloom beat me to it..I loved that last line..lol. I loved the whole danged thing! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Look here...a MIRACLE!! LOL...you now have three solid and I mean solid admirers. Well, you had me at chapter one..lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Dog claims to be a lousy critic...lol. He ain't. He's one of the best I've read. Maybe because I totally agree with everything he says? Sure..no, but..yeah....lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I'm speechless. Period. No, I'm not, but I keep trying to find more superlatives, different ways to tell you how absolutely fantastic I find your work and it's driving me insane! LOL |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Righteous! I know, an old term that puts me in my place...er, age bracket. But, it is that...simply righteous! lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Everything dog said...in spades!! I can't get enough of this...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I'm so glad to see that I am a month late reading all of this...lol....means, this wasn't the last chapter. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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When I read something that causes the tears to well up....well, it's very good. The bedroom scene did it...wonderful writing! What!!! Only one more chapter??? No way in Hades, Miss RavenLebeau! I insist on more!! LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I loved that last paragraph...lol. Off to the next chapter. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Let me see, sentence structure and grammar - excellent; storyline continuity - excellent; character development - excellent; plot development - excellent; leave for next mash - excellent. Wow! 5 excellents equal 5 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Katrina- thanks for clearing that up for us. BUT, in some ways the water is muddier. "some votes are weighted down for fraud"...what, please, does that mean? A chapter gets too many 5 stars and someone at SM goes, "oops, that can't be right, let's weight this puppy down"? "people vote based on different criteria, some are very picky about spelling and grammar, others only care about a good story idea. So in some cases, the lower votes may be actual and not fraudulent votes." Absolutely, no doubt about that...BUT, when 7 or 8 stories simultaneously drop in points, as happened the other day on the October Chill mash, doesn't that seem a little "fishy"...or, was it a "weighing down for fraud" kind of thing? We all, I think, understand that SM is a work in progress and I'm sure we are appreciative of your endeavors as a 'go between' us and the owners. If I were one of the owners, the FIRST thing I would do (considering the site is a work in progress, etc) is insure that I had a direct link (up and down) with the site members and a programmer that could quickly "fix" those things that the majority of members were unhappy about. This site has been "up going on 9 months, right? The voting issue has been an issue for over a month. And still, near and dear to my heart, unanswered, is how can I take/delete my work (unmashed by anyone else) off the site? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Ah, I'm speechless. Why am I reading this on SM and not in a real novel, that I paid for? This is absolutely the best I've read on SM (I'm speaking of the entire series, of course) and I've read some very, very good stuff..lol..course, I've read some really crappy stuff, too! I'd like to continue but a peaceful household is paramount at the moment. I WILL get back to it, though. I am so glad dog and wsells pointed me in your direction! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Hmmm, personally, I picked up immediately with the italics as past dialogue and thought it a great way of doing it...lol. I loved this sentence "One swig and I’m as emo as a teenage girl at a tearjerker". Well, I loved the whole danged thing...and, even at the risk of a spousal haranguing (no time to check if I spelled that correctly), I'm off to chapter 5. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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The interaction between James and Raven is superb! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I can't stop. This is so 'effing great! Gone to the next chapter... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Dog and wsells turned me on to you and I've just started reading your work. This is excellent writing. I'll reserve further comment, if you don't mind, and go read more....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I stumbled upon this discussion about removing works. I've been asking the SM folks for about two weeks how to go about doing that and I've been blatantly ignored. RavenLebeau, if you know how to 'git 'er done, please advise. Thanks! Oh, email might work better...lexallen@yahoo.com |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Shadow: Your idea of editing makes sense. The way I'd been reading it from everyone else didn't, therefore my comment about editing. I also banged SM about the voting. It's a few comments above yours. AND...I'm with you. If the voting issue doesn't get fixed, soon, I'm outta here! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Previous comment should have been: |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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"Looking at her aroused something within me. Something frightening" |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I'm not sure where my head was at, but I absolutely didn't elaborate on that as I had planned! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I don't understand why anyone, original author or other writer, would want to edit, here. Certainly, most of these stories/chapters could use some editing, but where would it end? I (and, I think several if not, many others) enjoy most the practice of writing and doing so quickly without trying to concentrate on "publisher level" editing. Firstly, I don't see the point of editing (here) and secondly, given that option, I don't see where it would end. A topic that you included in your lead paragraph, but didn't elaborate on, was that of deleting our own material. There are two reasons I would like to have this ability. One, soon after joining SM I wrote an original chapter and a mash to it. Somehow, I ended up with two each (same original and same mash). I would like to have had the ability to remove one of each (I would still like to do that). It confuses readers (I had a couple of comments in that regards). Two, I have put some stories and chapters on SM that I no longer want available to anyone else to read, comment or vote on (personal reasons). I'd like to be able to remove them. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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OK..now, that I've given you your well deserved "lob" (not lob, it's pronounced "lowb" and it's German for "praise")..lol...I feel compelled to give a little more criticism. The radio (or TV) announcements seemed contrived. I understand how and why you used them, but I've never heard a news report with that kind of detail and 'updates'. Perhaps, you could have used the characters thoughts, referring back to a news report and inserting his own interpretation, instead? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Excellent, honeygloom, excellent!!! But, dang, he never shoulda put that hat on or picked up the knife...lol, but then, it sure opens doors to more twists and turns, doesn't it? Who's at the door?!? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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OK...no changes that I can see (recall). Need I tell you my vote? LOL |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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You know that blowing up a balloon creates an explosion at some point. I can't see how the tension can continue to be ratcheted up, as it is here, without an explosion way before you get to chapter 8 or 7 or 6, for that matter. I need to lie down for a few minutes!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Oh, I don't know if you need to address it. It was not so much a critique as a...well, duh-am!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Great job, pyscho. Your chapter rocks and rolls and I love fast paced stories. I gotta say, though, that "John" must be one helluva man to kill off an entire bottle of JD and still be able to crawl, much less drive and think about finding payphones...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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PS...I'll have to come back to vote, but I'd do that anyway to see if you changed the draft in any way! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I see this is still draft...I assume you may be revising, but if not....waay, ok. I love how you continued the scene at the door and tied up the appearance of what he believed to be his own children with the "Allen brothers". The last two lines are really great!! Super job on short notice! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I read this chapter, partly because of the author and partly because of the title...lol. Everytime I perform somewhere, "Moonshadow" is on the list! I love how you mixed it into the story. Great job. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Oh, Yeah! "I threw back the covers so hard the remote control for the bedroom television flew into the air..." Any idea how many times I've done that? lol. "He took a cup of hot chocolate from Susan and kissed her slowly, licking her upper lip as he pulled away. He turned his head slightly and winked at me." Talk about visual, detailed hallucination! Fantastic chapter, wsells! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Great, great follow, Nash! So many great lines. This was one of my favorites: "Sanity was a short pier and I took a long swim in the ocean beyond." Wonderful look into insanity. What did he do to those girls? Introducing the neighbors as potential characters. Fabulous! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Whoooeeee! Yessir, this is horror! Not the ax, chainsaw kind of gore horror but, the psychological, sneak into your brain, run down your spine, strangle the heart kind. I love it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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"I was surprised to recognize an old high school acquaintance among the bunch; old, grizzled, a man who had always bragged about his exploits at Saigon during the War after lecturing us on Shakespeare: Lt. General Jonathan Treize." This is what threw me, but now, after reading again I see that he must have been one of Peter's teachers? Sorry! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...damn, that was easy! Thanks, psycho. I assume you invited Wsells to fill the open spot? What happens to OS, then? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I still haven't found the graph...lol. Anyway, it's OBE (overcome by events) because Houlgrave and Elevator_Music have posted. With OS that makes nine. I would like to see the graph, though, just so's I can follow who's next in each mash. Somebody help me, help me, please!! lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...see, I even left out a word in the danged comment! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Hmmm. I liked the chapter idea and the direction you took the story. I had trouble reading it, though, because there were too many grammatical errors; missing periods, commas, quotation marks and several complete words. I know that we (most of us) write these chapters extremely fast and errors are to be expected. But, in this chapter, they were too many. Obviously, the nature of this mash (psycho's game, I call it) is going to create comparisons to the other seven chapters. Unfortunately, this one below the standard set in the previous six chapters. My opinion, of course. I DID like the direction and substance and I'm sure you can do better, grammatically, in future chapters! I voted you a 3. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Excellent writing, Houlgrave! Great description, great character building and most excellent leave for the next guy/gal...lol. One thing threw me off. I didn't get the impression from the original chapter that Peter was an old guy. Rather, his wife and children (young children) had died recently (a year, maybe two before)so, Peter would be, at most mid to late thirties. Maybe it's just me....I missed something. Anyway, great job!!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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thanks, psycho, but I still can't find it. I see alot of graphs, but which is the right one? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL....yeah, "some forces of dryer darkness"...that'd be a cool continuation!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Where is the new graph posted? The one that dog did yesterday, (or in my case, this morning)? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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That would work, honey and, if you wanted to stick with 8...take out the two that haven't posted and insert OS (who's already posted a great mash..in fact, I didn't even know he wasn't part of the group until just awhile ago..lol) and wsells (he did, in fact raise his hand first. It was like 4 in the am over here while ya'll were doing this...lol). So, at 8 that would leave me out which is okay because I'm a little worried that I might not have the time to keep track of 8 lines of stories and write a chapter every 4 days. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Well, this seemed awfully short. No bad....or less well written than the preceeding chapters, just short...lol. Still very good writing and 4 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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A very good job, ajk5! You got away from the original style of the start and your first mash, but, hey, it's all good. I really like your characterization of the guy's mental state. 4 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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ajk5...not sure how I missed this and a couple other chapters you've written, but.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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You absolutely have to love the human mind...every individual sees (in this case, reads) the same thing but, sees (in this case, writes) something different...lol. This, the "tamest" mash so far is also the most detailed and researched (I think). Great chapter OS!! In case you didn't see my other comments, I've elected (yep, freedom, gotta love it, too) not to continually comment...vote is 5 points. It will be five points in this series until it isn't and then, I'll point out the fact that it isn't. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Another unusual twist and great leave for the next writer to continue. Great writing, Cheeseliker! I think I'll refrain from voting, everyone is getting fives. LOL...naw, but I'll only announce my vote if it's something less than five, how's that? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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You've definitely taken a different track than the others, thus far, and it's all good. I can't wait to read everyone's mash to see how they continue someone else's, very different approach...lol. Five points! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Einfach ausgezeichnet, dog! LOL...look it up!Typically you and I loved it. Sigh....five points, what else? lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Great job, psycho!! As honeygloom said, it's very apparent that you spent more time than usual writing this. I think we all chop/chop in posting here at SM, but you're "challenge" and the "contest" will change things with "October Chill" as you (and Nash, thusfar) have so wonderfully demonstrated. The end...shades of "Secret Window"....I enjoyed, especially. Here's a potential train wreck....everyone gets all fives...at the end it's all fives...lol.... I wouldn't want to be the judge or jury!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Great chapter, mm. I can't decide whether I liked this second chapter or the other more violent version. Hmmmm. I think both, equally but you didn't leave a mash capability, at least I didn't "see" it. Still, it was very good writing and I gave you a 4. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Yessir, this is what I'm talking about...typical dog, great! Need I tell you? FIVE |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Another exquisite piece of writing, honeygloom. I generally read fast and simply for the enjoyment of the story, the thrill of the chase, excusing or overseeing mistakes (except gross grammar). Therefore, I'm a lousy critic. But, even so, I can differentiate between good, bad and great writing. This, obviously is great and worth every single point on all five stars....25!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Ooops, I hate slow computers...lmao. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Ah...an entire month has passed and only now do I find this, thanks to honeygloom's mash. I love vampires. There is something exotic and romantic about them, despite their monstrous doings...lol, especially beautiful, tough, women vampires! As an adolescent I often wished they were real and that one day I would meet one who would bite me and we would "live" happily ever after. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Ah...an entire month has passed and only now do I find this, thanks to honeygloom's mash. I love vampires. There is something exotic and romantic about them, despite their monstrous doings...lol, especially beautiful, tough, women vampires! As an adolescent I often wished they were real and that one day I would meet one who would bite me and we "live" happily ever after. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Yep, classic Nash...expertly written, professionally set-up...Peter is a the perfect character to be telling the story and the end set up for any number of directions! No doubt, 5 star! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...whew! Ok, ok, already. I was only kidding anyway. I know that writing a screenplay is no easier than writing a novel because I've tried. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Nash, I am speechless....well, not quite...lol. This is excellent...make that brilliant writing. It amazes me... no, it sickens me to think that you are not wallowing in fame and money. I've read novels, published..people paid money for novels, that can't touch your style, imagination or descriptive skills. I was right there, in that office. I felt Devon's discomfort, I saw the temps green eyes....well, now I am speechless! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I sure hope someone breaks a finger!! Naaawww, just kidding (a little) LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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This is a great story start, sundance. Characterization of both figures was excellent. I can't believe that it's been almost 3 weeks ago since you posted this and there's been no continuation, not from you or anyone else!!! I bet that changes...soon. 5 points on the vote table! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Now you're cooking with gas, blackhand!! Great work here. Only negative is...please proofread and fix the grammar, in particular the quotation marks. Try using italics for thoughts.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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You're definitely on a roll here! Each chapter gets better, grammatically and descriptively. You're keeping up the suspense while building the character and it's fitting together perfectly. 4 more points! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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This is really good, blackhand! Much better definition and description than in "Gunther". I like how you're mixing past and present and the ryhme is fabulous! 4 points. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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"She pauses for a few seconds to peer in at Gunther from the kitchen, who is sitting in the living room with his hands in his lap, staring off into the abyss, seeing nothing at all. He is covered in his father's blood from head to toe"...This is what I've been talking about. This perfectly, though only briefly, describes a true sociopath. Is sociopathic behaviour a mental illness? I suppose it is, but sociopathic behaviour is so much more in my mind. Anyway, this was better than chapter 4...good job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I've already commented on this one but, I would like to revise. As in the first 3 chapters you seem to be "running" through. I love the story but it bothers me that you're not giving me more...more detail, more description and better grammar. I know you can do it.....show me. Show us all. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I've already commented on this one but, I would like to revise. As in the first 3 chapters you seem to be "running" through. I love the story but it bothers me that you're not giving me more...more detail, more description and better grammar. I know you can do it.....show me. Show us all. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Again, blackhand, have to agree with dog. Of course, you're reading these comments long after you've finished the chapter, but I sincerely hope you will our constructive criticism to heart because, like dog, I think you have great potential and with a little more "TLC" in your work, it could be really great. Having said all of that, I still like the story...it's my kind of thing! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I agree, 100% with dogdeity's comment. I think you are writing too fast, my friend. It's happened to me, many times. I think if you slowed down, pictured the scene and captured some of the nuances, the feelings that lead to the action, you'll have a great, great novel one day! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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The brutality is palpable. The pace, excellent. LOL..I have to admit I got confused as to whether she was on her back or not. It seems he bit her back while, I thought, she was on her back and then, slapped her face while it seemed she was on her face. Well, it's probably just me...overall, very, very good! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Excellent addition. Well structured. The transition from huge guilt to almost pride was very good and, I think, consistent with insanity. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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OK...blackhand, I've started reading all of your postings here on SM. I liked the chapter. I liked the subject matter and the descriptives that literally screamed "insane"! I didn't like the structure and the grammar mistakes, but they weren't bad enough to be distracting. Good job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I didn't intend to "rewrite" your chapter, but I did "steal" a bit of yours, I guess...;o). I'm glad to see that you're not upset about it. I certainly did not want to step on your toes, rather to give it a little different twist. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL....okay. And don't forget wsells. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Goldanged time zones screwed me!! I was sound asleep while you all concocted this. Oh well, I will certainly follow with great interest!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks, guys!! So, which of you will take the next chapter? I'm dyin' to see it! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...shadow, geesh we could almost be twins when it comes to writing style. I, also, use SM as an exercise for quick, spontaneous writing. Not only is it fun, it got me writing again after a hundred years or so! I mentioned to wsells that screenwriter's write screenplays because they're too lazy to write a novel...lol. I hope I didn't piss him off...naw, he understood the context, I'm sure? LOL. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Oh, this took a huge turn for the better (and it was pretty darned good to start with), Shadow. Much more detail in the writing, tighter and moving fast. Great! Five on this one! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I'm amazed at the way you are all keeping this story going in almost the same tempo and writing style. It's really quite good. The plot thickens and poor Donald is in for a rough ride, I think...lol. Another 4 mark. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I re-read this after going through the previous chapters and have to upgrade my comment from previously. I can't remember the name of the danged movie...where moles would get a phone call, hear a certain phrase and then boogie off to blow something up...kind of like how this is going and I like it. I like it alot! 4 points! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Good follow, Sora! I think you kept Shadow's chapter on track and in the same...pattern. I don't agree with ajk5's comments about first person. Isn't it a little hard to believe that someone who spend's half of his time doing things that he's not consciously aware of to be telling the story? I think so. This was good and along with Shadow's chapter I gave you a 4. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I don't know. I didn't get much out of the start chapter. Maybe the grammar threw me off or maybe I'm just tired. BUT, I got alot out of this one. Very good. Is the guy hypnotized? Drugged out? The former, I reckon and what's going to happen now that he's aware that he's placed a bomb in a school cafeteria? And his controllers? Man, this could go really big! Great job, Shadow. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Very good. You continued the second chapter with no loss of pace, direction or tension. Characters and dialogue are very believable and as they say, 'the plot thickens'...lol. Great job! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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This is very, very good. I'm off to read chapter 2. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I saw your comment. You'll get a copy of the email when I send it out to the others. I wish I hadn't even saved this, though...lol. It was just some rambling writing. But, glad you liked it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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crystalfoo, please drop me an email. I've already contacted several writers here (nash, honey, dog, wsells, shadow, psycho, etc) about a business proposition. I'd like for you to be among the group. lexallen@yahoo.com |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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A very unusual police officer, to say the least. If he was investigating murders in this bar, why didn't he stop the one he witnessed? I liked the flow of the story, in general, but it was a little confusing. I'm curious to see where you go with this and who the mysterious person is that's waiting in the warehouse. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I mashed this but, no one seems to have noticed. Since the end of the contest, the mashed chapters seem to be harder to find....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL....it looks like you wrote this chapter really fast. Little things, like quotation marks at the start and end of every spoken sentence even when the speaker was the same. A few grammatical errors. But....all in all a very good chapter!! Nice work. I especially liked how you went into the details of getting Jake in bed, Danny checking out the house, etc. Well done! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Hey, Man....please drop me an email at lexallen@yahoo.com I have a project in mind and would like to pass it by you. Nash, dog, and wsells have already emailed me but I don't want to say anything more until I get everyone's email address. I'm still waiting on honeygloom, crystalfoo, cheeseliker, shadowman and you. Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Wow...tight action. LOL..I wouldn't worry too much about the gun, although Shadow is right (mostly). I've never seen a safety on a Derringer, but I suppose there could be one. Oh, what the heck...it's a very good, action chapter. I liked. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Glad to see you back, ShadowMan! Excellent chapter here, too! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Excellent writing, Doveman, really good! Very tight, believable dialogue, storyline, characterization...all excellent. 5 points! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Geez, I was hoping no one would ask me that. A nod will reveal my old age....lol. Besides, you know that we Vets don't talk to regular people about it, right? Just kidding. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL..I was beginning to think that honeygloom was on a drunken party spree, celebrating her well deserved win and we wouldn't hear anything from her for a week or so!!! Glad to hear that's not the case, but I sincerely hope you celebrated with much vigor!! lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Dang, Cheeseliker, I read "Taken" first and thought it was the start of the story. I'm a real dumbs... sometimes...lol. Well, this "start" is very good and since I've already read the second chapter...the two are very, very good. Will this be the "standard" kidnapper/rapist/murderer or something even more dark and sinister? Can't wait to find out. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Another solid story start!! Excellent writing, good suspense and perfect place to end the first segment! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Your main character is very interesting. I don't think I've ever read about a detective that drinks quite so much, but then I'm not a detective story fan. I think, though, that this has some really good definition and a base that lends itself to a very good story. Nice start! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Wow...'best chapter's I've read on StoryMash'...that's quite a compliment, Cheeseliker. Thank you very much!! Do you drink or smoke, er...pot alot? LOL. just kidding, thanks again. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LMAO...not only is it not any of that, it won't cost you a dime! Got your email and responded. Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL..missed the boat mashing to solve Jake's escape but, damn you did that well!! The added twist of Jake's metamorphosis is intriquing, too. But, really it's the overall writing that is so superb. Suspense, horror, a bit of a love story, it's all there. Ausgezeichnet! (as they folks here in Deutschland would say...lol) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Hmmm, I thought it a little awkward killing off Jake so soon, too. Maybe this is where I can jump on board and save Jake for ya (heck, for all of us...lol) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Oh, yes...I love the way is going and, if you don't mind, I'd like to jump in on it. That is if I can get to it fast enough..you and BoltNut are cranking them out pretty fast! lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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This is really good. I'm off to read chapter 3, not time for further comment...lol. A 4 for this one. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Well, it took me almost a week to get around to this. Can you hear the smack of me kicking myself in the ****? Great, great story. Everything about it is great. The storyline, the characterization and the effin' name..'Bailey'. I love it. I'm off to read the Bolt's second chapter. Before I go, though, I wanted to confess that I'd just about decided to not give anything but the very best a 5 vote...so here's my first 5 since I made that pledge to myself. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Thankyou, very much wsells. I am a fan of yours, as well and was concerned because I had seen much of you lately. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...love it!! I wonder if any of these "writers" (tongue deeply imbedded in the left cheek) will even be aware of you're talking about. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...I was wondering where you'd wandered off to. Glad you're back, too. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks! So, what do you think? The shoes are magic and lead him to a "big man on campus" type situation or, the shoes are demonic and lead down a dark and deadly road. The note was ominous, so I think the latter option. No? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Nope, scratch that, I mashed your own second chapter...hope you like. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Nope, scratch that, I mashed your own second chapter...hope you like. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Great Mash, sevenseas! Dang, now I don't know which 2d chapter to mash, myself...lol. Well, maybe I'll just sit back and watch you all take it away. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I liked this chapter. I thought you carried through, developed the character and left it hangin (in suspense, again). Great. OK...off to mash it! Another 5 for this one. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Great start and perfect mash material! A really nice job, cheeseliker. I'd already formulated a mash when I read that you "couldn't wait"..lol. OK, let me read the next chapter and see if there is still something there for me...5 point! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Holy Cow, mm!! This second chapter is absolutely the ****, man!! Great, great suspense. Tight line, perfect definition. And the suspense...whooeee! If you haven't finished chapter three or close to it....please do. 5 ain't enough, but it's all that's allowed! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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This is really excellent writing, mm. I really liked the dog scene and the sitting in traffic, great definition and emotional description. One thing distracted me. The opening scene being repeated (not exactly, but close) after the dream. In my opinion, you could have left it out at the beginning and introduced it totally where you did the second time. But, hey....I don't want to nitpick...I loved it. 5 points! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...I was wondering, "what the hey" about the grammar, etc. I've read several of your chapters and this was so off base grammatically and structurally that I knew there HAD to be a reason for it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Congratulations!! Honeygloom, Dogdiety11 and Psycho1_77...well deserved. Even with all the problems and "angst" associated with the voting process I am very HAPPY to see the awards going to three exceptional writers. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Another note: I see that you are now in 2d place. If you don't stay there it won't be because of me. It's absolutely mind boggling how one vote can make such a difference, isn't it. When I initially voted you a three, I wasn't even thinking about the contest. My changed vote was an offer of good faith since you were so convinced that I was responsible for underhanded ****. So....the underhanded **** is happening to me as I mentioned earlier. I wish you better luck. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Blackhand....I did, in fact, vote...a 3. I've gone back and voted you a 5. I, too, am not about the money here. In fact, I have gone on record (several times) stating that I am not interested in the contest. I will admit, however, that for the last 3 days my chapter Elephant Walk - 3 was bouncing between 2d and 3rd place. I did some experimenting to see how much of an effect a single vote had. I then, went back and voted those stories back to the original 5 I had given them. I assure you I am not playing any underhand games here, but someone is and that is the root of some major complaints that myself and several others have raised to the SM owners. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I went back and read the first two chapters and the fourth, as well and, though a fan of horror, the brutal, the horrific and love it when those things are fully described, there also has to be some descriptive linkage and a detailed character development to make the brutality something more than simply a string of words to elicit horror. I think 'Gunther' could be a great novel but not a short story. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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How did I miss this? Easy, I say to myself, it was written around the time I joined the website and it's part of that "never ending" (let us pray) series of chapters that keeps getting better and better! I noticed it when I took a peek at the "contest" page. Absolutely fabulous, so, I gave ya a boost up the contest ladder with a 5 vote!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL...thanks, Psycho. I'm really glad that someone (finally) read this and...hot damn, liked it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I can't believe this chapter has been out there almost two days and this is the first I've seen of it!! Brilliant. Probably the best chapter in this series, to date. No question...5. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Yessum and I did...get back to RVN...but no one has noticed! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Can't wait, dog! Personally, I like 'Peacock Walk' better but aren't the males of that species the pretty ones? LOL. Thanks for the email. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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We're talking about our own work, right? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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LOL....you go with the women, Eleven. I'm moving on to other things! Oh, and while you are all here, except foo,pyscho and shadow. I would very much like to write you all privately. My email is lexallen@yahoo.com. Please drop me a line so that I can contact you off SM. Thanks. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks, nash. Actually, I kind of agree. But, like I wrote in the preview...it just came out that way. I suppose if I hadn't of been writing it while at work I might have put more thought in it. Oh, well....it 'tis as it 'tis....lol. And, afterwards, I did like the abrupt ending. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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haha, a REAL good ol' boy..not a "cornychick" type, huh? LOL. Thanks, honeyG. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Thanks, cheeseliker. I'm sure I read that but, didn't notice. But, speaking of stories ending and such. I just ended one, Chapter 4 to Elephant Walk. Since it was a mash (technically) it went straight to the contest page and because it hadn't been voted on, it hit the contest pages on page 23 (I think)...lol. So, who's gonna go back that far to read a story? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Well, I wasn't planning to end this when I started but...hey, it just kept coming....lol. Hope you like. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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I can understand why it gets frustrating for some to read and read and read and never get to the end of the story. However, I like the freedom here, among the contributing writers to keep a story going. There's one going now that's in, I don't know, the 16th or 17th chapter that seems like it will never end. In this case, that's great because the guys and gal keep changing the plot, the story and adding characters so that it remains very dynamic. Hell, for my money, it could go on forever....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Lovely counter to cornychick, honeygloom, absolutely perfect!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 9 months ago
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Cornychick nailed me, too. Ethan, I tried to vote on your comment but clicking the up arrow took me to a page that said I was unauthorized to view...lol. Oh, well.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks, Psycho...hopefully, they'll get the voting thing here fixed soon...;o). I've been tempted to mash some of your stuff but simply haven't had the time, lately. But, things are looking up...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks, all for the encouraging comments. I've been unable to write or much of anything for about the past week...but, now I'm back and eager to get back to writing. I think I'lll be able to answer most of the questions (dog) in the next chapter...well, maybe the one after that....lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Holy cow! Bringing Wright back from the dead!! What an ingenious move. And, now, the gang's all here..on one plane (except Shirley) hmmmm. Ah, this is great, psycho! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Hey, dog, great, great twisting and avoiding the answers...lol. Heck, andswering the questions would kinda mean the story was ending wouldn't it? Don't want that to happen!! 'Nother five, bud. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Like Dog I was out of the net dealing with "life"...lol...only a few days more than just the weekend. Anyway, I'm caught up now and, wow...this thing just gets better and better. All of you are putting out some excellent work here, but honeygloom, you always seem to put just a tad more, everytime....;o). There's only one vote for this....FIVE. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Did I mention somewhere that you'd have no trouble keeping up with the guys (and gal) weaving this fabulous story? Geesh, what an understatement!!! Another 5'er! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Foo, I hear you about reality and business and life getting in the way. I just got around to reading this and Nash's previous. As I commented on his, I'm having a helluva time finding some glorious, raving words to use with you guys...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Heck, Nash...I'm running out of superlatives for all of you guys and I'm starting to sound like a broken record...lol. Great, great writing!! Another 5. Hey, I like reading all the contributors to this storyline, the voting is easy....5...5...5...5..5..lmao. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Great writing Psycho!! You fit right into this story and did a super job. I've read some of your other postings and know that you'll not have a problem keeping up with the crew that's kicking this story down the road!! Voted you a 5. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I really like your responsiveness to your writing members. Thank you, very much. I like the changes you hope to have in the next release and among the future releases, the most important to me is the favorite authors change. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Man, it's been almost 8 years since the band broke up but, yeah...it was alot of fun while it was going. There was a huge country scene here in Germany from the early 80's to the late 90's. I'm talking festivals in several cities and towns almost every weekend, running in the tens of thousans of visitors and music lovers. I was going to tell you all about it here, but I think I'll take your advice and tell it in a story...lol. There are two major german language country acts here, and they've both been around for 20 plus years. One is the band, Truckstop and the other is a solo artist, Tom Astor. I've played many a concert and festival with those guys and they are actually very good, even if you couldn't understand the lingo....lol. Thanks, again, dog, for all of your positive comments and support. You are certainly one of my top favs here and I look forward to interacting and reading more of your stuff in the future! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I have never read that Wilbur Smith story but I do, somewhere in the back of my mind, recall a similar story. No, "The Long Walk" was definitely the muse for this story and it is one of my all time favorite short stories, too. I really can't tell you where the title "Elephant Walk" came from...lol...it was just..there! You know, I am concentrating more on "The Second Coming" than anything else. I just haven't published any or it on storymash. The only reason I can offer is that I'm seriously working that storyline into a novel and, well....kind of want to keep it 'under wraps' for awhile, you know? I'm very please that you like it!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Total bliss!! Another superb effort, honeygloom. The boys are stuggling to keep up with you, I'm sure...lmao!!! BIG, BIG 5! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I really like this story for all the reasons that nashvillebecker mentioned and I have to agree that Chris' inner monologue is a little contrived. But, this chapter was better than the first and I hope you continue. I gave this one a 4, too. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks, dog. I agree that it's difficult to keep track of favorite writer's here and track comments. But, where there's a will, there's a way and, though I'm sure I've missed a lot; I think I'm keeping up with my favs pretty well. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Very good first chapter. I got the impression that the Hell Dog was sheparding Chris back to the house, where he finds Stasia missing, forcing another calculated move in the direction that the dog wanted him to go...hmmm. Looking forward to more....gave you a 4 on this one. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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LOL...hmmm, why not? All things are possible in fiction..that's why I love it!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Good mash, wsells. LOL...for a second I thought you had changed the character names and then, when I checked I realized how much I liked the name "Teagan". I, too, liked how you kept the "tone" of the story going as honeygloom started it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks, again, honeygloom. I have a supernatural bend...lol...so, it likely won't be surprising to see that this story will take a bend in that direction! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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LOL...thanks for sharing your lunch with me!! By the way, I was flowing with praise the other for that awesome story that you, foo, dog and nash are writing and somehow, I neglected to mention you in the first paragraph!! That's like a mortal sin, don't you think? LOL... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Wow! This is so effin' excellent, honeygloom. I want to mash this so bad, but I don't think I could do it justice. Wonderful writing! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks, honey! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Definitely okay to feel some sympathy for Kirsten. She, Matt and Mary are actually the good guys....lol....well, all is relative, isn't it? Thanks, dog. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Honey, my apologies for omitting your name in all that praise (above). Certainly you're right in there amongst it all!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Give me a break!! I'm running out of superlatives!! You guys are absolutely the ****, man. Vote? Duh...... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Did I forget the obvious? FIVE points!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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This is soooo great, Foo. Another awesome installment. I have to admit that I am "green with envy" at the way you, dog and nash are writing this tale...lol. I'm having a ball reading how each of you take this on and add your individual twists and turns, while keeping it all reading as if one person had written it. Absolutely superior writing!!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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So that no one hurts themselves scratching their heads (broken finger nails, bloody scalps, etc)and wondering, "What the hey....", please mentally delete the entire 2nd paragraph which begins "Jared always slept nude...." |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Thank you!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Very good Mash!! Loved how you brought her back and put her on the bus afterall. It is a "she", isn't it? LOL. Gave you a 4. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I, too, thought this a good development of the main character. Like ShadowMan, I assumed this character to be male. I disagree with honey about the profanity...heck, who doesn't say "**** it" (at least in their own mind)? I thought you could have moved this along a little further than you did, though. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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You guys are putting together a masterpiece!! Great writing, as usual, Nash and another 5..as usual...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Beautiful, honey! Descriptive without over doing it, great dialogue and thoughts, wonderful continuation of plot, and so and so and so...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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jcauthor- I did not say that quetzacoatl was a mental case...did you miss the "LOL" or the "I was just funnin' wid ya" ?? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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This is a great opening chapter, miss! I liked how the story moved, tight and fast. I also like your main character. I'm kind of hoping that no one mashes this until you've added a couple of more chapters. I'd dying to find out why she's "undead"!! Some of us, here, have had problems with voting and we've been adding in our comments what our vote is. So...I gave you a 5 for this one. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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LOL...yep. I doubt I'll go any further on this one, although it lends itself. It was fun. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I was out of the net for a few days so I'm "late" with comments and the chapters have run away from me... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks, honey...hmmm, but "ghost"? Dang, did I leave you thinking that there was a ghost in this chapter? Surely not, but, if so, I must rectify...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I liked the beginning of this, too, but noticed some inconsistencies that threw me a bit. Example..."incest" should have been "insects"? Otherwise why the question, later, about sexual assualt? ShadowMan seems to be "up" on forensics but I thought you did pretty well, too. Gave you a 4 and look forward to the continuation. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks for reading this, dog. I was beginning to think no one would notice it...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I read this. I read "Continuous Sui-cide" and "..Idiot". I've come to the conclusion that I can't comment because you are definitely waaay to smart for me. Your writing is like something some ancient, overachieving philosopher would write and I'm not anywhere close to intelligent enough to remark upon. Or...maybe your a mental case? LOL. OK>.sorry, I was just funnin' wid ya! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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LOL....I know how you're feeling about the ratings although I don't see mine going down because I'm a threat...hahaha. I caught the Kurt Cobain reference but missed the goof on offspring gender. I noticed some other "slips" but in the grand scheme of the story...who cares? Not me. I figure (don't ask how) that you're probably 10 or 15 years younger than I, but the personal aspects of your work are so similar to my own experiences...well....it makes it that much more interesting for me. OK..enough rambling...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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If possible, this just gets better and better. I hope no one mashes this. I hope you continue it...only you. Thanks, again, for a great read that hit all of my emotional and memory buttons! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I absolutely love your writing, dog. Truly. I won't go into a lengthy critique, I will simply say again that I loved it. I can associate (quite strongly) with this guy and your words could have been mine (were I nearly as talented). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Damn, it's a real shame, but this whole thing kind of went to the dogs. It's almost as if you simply got tired of writing and just threw some words out to get done with it. The last paragraph is completely off the pace and storyline. Only two points, here....sorry. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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No offense, jxtcman but I think you lost the "drive" in this chapter. Too much dry detail that didn't particularily lend itself to the pace of the story. Only a 3 for this one. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I liked this first part, too. Interesting topic with tight, fast writing. I'm not at all familiar with the 'graf' culture, but like OriginalSim, this sounds real. I gave this a 4 and am headed for the next chapter.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I couldn't resist and found a few minutes to actually write something....so, I mashed this one. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I forgot to add: The SHOCK element you added is awesome. Not many would dare to turn a couple of main characters, gay! I love it! No...I'm not gay...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I would love to jump in on this one, but time is not on my side and I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to do it any justice, at all. But, I'll certainly be watching and reading as you masters work it!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Great Mash, crystalfoo. I loved your descriptives and not only did Toby really "come into being"....the twist from hubby to brother for Wright was great, too! A 5 vote from me. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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First chance I've had to get online in several days and checked out the contest page. This one drew me like a magnet. Read it, realized I was way behind so...went back and read all before. Awesome writing by all concerned, notably dogdeity and honeygloom...so, what else is new? hahaha. My only problem here was getting around the fact that "Frau" was a man...lol..I've lived in Germany too long. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Good mash, artemis. Maybe a little too much "rehash" from the first chapter, but maybe not..lol. I like how you left it...leading to the next chapter and perhaps a large curve in the storyline. Gave you a 4. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Interesting twist and, as always, excellent writing. Gave you a 5. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks, dog. In fact, "reader" critic is (in my opinion) perhaps better than that of another published writer or one far advanced. But, to say that you have no writing background? Puhlease...lol. If you've written anything that others have read and commented on (good or bad), you have a writer's background (at least as far as I'm concerned). So..thanks for the very good constructive criticism. Believe me, I listen to every piece of it and where I can, I try to follow it (well, when I agree, of course...lol). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Wow and double WOW!! Excellent writing, marcus. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, had to stop myself from jumping to the end...lol. A big 5 from me, too! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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What the hell, wsells!!! Can't a guy have FAT FINGERS occasionally without being CRITICIZED over it!!! Who the HELL do YOU think YOU ARE, anyway!! Just Kidding....LMAO. No, I'm not well organized. I could never keep track of all the different viewpoints and then, put them into any kind of understandable complaint/request message. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Obviously, I meant to write "withholding" rather than "without"....geesh! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Hmmmm, there was a fourth! Well, I have to say that I didn't really "get" this one, either. Maybe I'm simply not smart enough or my son, sitting next me, running through the computer, downloading iTunes...currently, Scott McKenzies, San Francisco is distracting me. So, I'll without a vote and read this again, later. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Wow...not only "Jesus" but "God" as well...this is great! Off to the next...oops, there isn't any..lol. I give this one a 5. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Oh, several of us have decided that we would always give our vote with a comment. I gave you a 4 for this chapter. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Edcasey...well, I stuggled a bit with the first chapter. I don't know, I just couldn't get my head around it. This chapter, though, was much better (better being I could get my head around it..lol). Off to the next.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Good follow-up. I only wish it had been a little longer, but you left it hanging perfectly for a mash. I gave you a 4. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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LOL..."now suck my balls"....geesh, what a close. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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OK...understand your arguments against being spokesperson, Nash. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks, dog....you know, though, that the real story continues back with "The Mark - iv" and then it will come back to "The Woman Scorned - v" |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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There are advantages and disadvantages (aren't there always, with most all things?) to living in Germany. Reference this site, I'm at a disadvantage because I'm always behind in keeping track of stories and comments, although I'm ahead of you all in time. The advantage is that I get to see what everyone else has already written and/or commented on and I, then, have an easy time of it. All of which has nothing to do with commenting to Nash's (yep, picked that right up) most recent "story". |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Now I feel stupid for not "mentally transposing" that phrase....geesh. But, you know, "touch dried my up slit" sounds pretty kinky...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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LOL...cool. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Indeed, the plot thickens. I was hoping for a clue about the army of bums, but I'm a patient man...lol. Or, are you waiting for Nashvillebecker to handle it? Your ending here could easily take it off into another direction. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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What happens when all of the chapters hit 5.0 across the board? StoryMash's alogorithms will burst, maybe? Who cares! Another big, big 5 from me, too. I like how you put ShadowMan "on the spot" to figure out what to do with an army of bums...lol. I sure don't have a clue, but I'm looking forward to finding out. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I forgot to add...and I hope you see this again, Nashvillebecker, what would www.wwwwbd stand for? LOL. World Wide Web, I got. The rest...writer wannabe wanking wildly before dawn? lmao. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Heck, if that's the ONLY criticism....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Nashvillebecker....thank you so much for the critique. Telling/feeling examples are excellent and I got it!! I did not transcribe newscasts. Hadn't even thought of it...thanks, again. Curious that you mentioned starting a screenplay on a similar theme. I've struggled for quite a while on whether I should do this as a novel or a screenplay. You've surely noticed that I'm not very skilled, yet, in descriptive paragraphs so I was leaning more toward screenplay and allowing the director/actors to provide the missing details and, well, feeling. I've been writing songs for several years and I know that I've carried over some of the brevity and quick, to the point style in other writing. I've certainly noticed that the trend here is positive criticism. I don't classify criticism as positive or negative, rather helpful or not. Yours has always been helpful and I greatly appreciate it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks, ShadowMan. Dang, and I thought I'd heard them all...lol. Goes to show.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I love this. Like, dogdeity, I read it three times and wished it were longer. As ShadowMan commented, this could go in any number of directions, the original lead was well done and "mash lending"...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I love gruesome. I love nasty, bloody and horrific. I loved this mash and the curve ball you threw into the storyline. I gave you a 5. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Great mash chapter! Loved the curve in the storyline. I gave you a 4. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I read all three mash chapters before commenting on either. All three were exceptionally well written although this one, I think, was the closest to the original story line. I gave ya a big 5. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I think the two of you and wsells are a helluva team....this is an awesome story. I feel like I'm reading a best selling authors' work. Hell, maybe I am...lol. I gave this a 5, too and wish it were Thursday already! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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No mashing from me.....although I thought about it. No, I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy this ride provided by such an array of masterful wordsmiths! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Hear, hear. I actually started reading the mash follow up chapter and stopped after one paragraph to read the original. Like it.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Better and better. The plot thickens, as they say...lol. Great work, don't stop, now!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Wonderfully written and the perfect ending! Bravo, Wizardknows, Bravo! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Great start, Philly. If I weren't so busy, at the moment, I'd mash this one..big time....lol. Alas, I'll have to pass but I bet someone nails it soon! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Pretty good mash! Please continue! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I waited to comment until I'd read both chapters.. My kind of story. I love it. Great writing. I already KNOW the characters because you've made them so real, so fast. Great suspense build up and the ending to this chapter..exquisite! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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LOL...well, truth be known, I cracked up at the "Boot His'n" line AND the "I had greased the wheel of his jaw by paying for his first two beers." I laugh because dogdeity11 mentioned the latter and honeygloom the former, too. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Following along behind ShadowMan is getting to be a habit..lol. We must be in the same time zone or something. Anyway...PHILLY....hang in there. I, for one, am glad you did what you did and got the administrator's attention even though I fear, as Shadow mentioned, they didn't fully understand the problem. I can well believe that their system is working as it should. What they didn't get was that the human factor here...ain't playing straight up. I, too, will stick it out awhile longer simply because I like to write (or practice, anyway..lol) and I love to read. I've discovered some very good writer's here and I'd like to keep reading their stuff. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I like this concept, too. Excellent writing, as well. I, too, would like to mash it but I think I'll wait to see where you go with it for awhile, first. You are going to go a little more with it, aren't you? Hope so. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I really liked the opening lines even though I ran out of breath getting to the first period. If you could cut this down to shorter sentences and use paragraphs, this would be a great read. If you are interested in some examples of short, tight explicit sentences read dogdeity11's stuff. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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You could end this one here and it'd be great. Or, you could continue and make it greater...I'm hoping you take it a bit further. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Good writing... but I think you're taking the story into a track so completely different from the original that it doesn't mash well. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I'm glad I was able to read Chapter 2 immediately after the first because I didn't quite know what to do with the first chapter. This one, however, got me going. I am quite the believer in quantum theory and the belief (fact, for me) that there are many more dimensions, worlds and universes than we currently know about. I like how you've worked dreams into that landscape and eager to read more! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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I was going to comment and try to offer some solutions to make this story less confusing, but maybe it was just me that was confused? Anyway, there were some really interesting passages but I couldn't keep track and ended up thoroughly confused. Sorry. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Philly, ShadowMan makes a very good point and I agree with him. Actually, I think the idea of posting a published author to see how his/her writing was voted on was...well, pretty cool... especially, and singularly for the fact that you immediately "fess'd up" to doing it. Now...let's see if that "confession" and the several posted comments made in reference to this particular sore spot get the administrator's attention. Attention and resolution necessary to keep the better writer's writing here. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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How to say it? I've read some stories and novels, by my favorite authors (King, Koontz, Crichton, et al), that ended, leaving the reader to decide how it really ended. I've hated them for it, but always went back and read their work over the years again and again. Why? Because they are such magnificent story tellers, that's why. Congratulations, dogdeity, you've just joined their ranks! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Holy cow! I FORCED myself not skip to the bottom and then....oh, you are merciless!! I love it. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Aw, hell....I haven't looked but this BETTER not be the last chapter out there!! lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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LOL...too cool..... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Two pulls. Two clicks. “Wheew!” Kirt exclaims. “What a **** rush!” Oh, Christ...whatta a ****' rush!! Yes!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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It's amazing (to me) how you can build such strong characters in such a short time. Only the pro's can do that and you're definitely among them! On to the next chapter... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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This just gets better and better. The suspense is palpable...I can't read the chapters fast enough! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Lovely. I really like your writing style, dogdeity. It is so precise while leaving one to his own imagination and the short sentences bring it all to life so well. Great work! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 10 months ago
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Thanks, dogdeity. I've also been bemoaning the lack of method for commenting to specific authors in a string that can be easily followed and visible to all. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Yep...very good addition! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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This is really, really good. I'm not a fan of "flashbacks", but you wove this one into the story very well. Great character development and story build. I was going to comment that you may be a little late with a mash to this particular story...on the other, why the heck not bring on a new version? Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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She did turn out kind of "gritty", huh? LOL. I'm very glad you liked how this turned out. Now..."A Woman Scorned" wrap-up? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I liked this. I can't tell you exactly why, but I did. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Yep, me, too. The 5 stars are filled in when I publish and I just leave 'em that way. But, I'll say again as I've said a couple of times already...I ain't in it for that. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Everything that dogdeity and ShadowMan said goes for me, too. And I'll add...aw...nope, damn fine work!!!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Love how you started right before the climax and back-tracked. Come on...hurry and let us know who survives the Russian Roulette...or, maybe you have something else in mind? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Can someone tell me how to remove a story? I'm not sure what I did but, I see three of the same story chapter posted. Geesh, what a klutz, huh? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Most excellent! Mary decides she can't follow through with Kirsten and ain't having any luck doing herself in....in rides the knight to save the day, Matt offering a job. Outstanding!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Thanks, ShadowMan. I was beginning to think that no one was paying attention...lol. Very glad to see that that's not the case. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Thank you! Tomorrow (I hope) I'll bring The Mark up to speed and you'll learn how Matt's first assignment was killed and take it back to The Woman Scorned. I'm having a lot of fun with this...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Yep, you told me that Ronnie was your brother earlier. I've already made plans to link. In fact, if you'll read my latest I've started the ball rolling in that direction. Yeehaw...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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You got me nayrj84...lol. I hadn't even thought of 3d or 1st person, I just started writing. Rank amateur, I reckon...;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Or maybe stupid me just inadvertantly inserted a misspelling of her name in my mash chapter? LOL |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Thanks for the comments, nashvillebecker. Yeah, the "grapefruit" surprised me, too but I'd already proofread and published..hahaha. Fat fingers!! I really appreciate your critique. Unlike most of the stories or chapters that I write here, "The Second Coming" is actually the draft chapters for a novel that I'm writing. Very draft chapters. So, any and all critique I can get on it are very, very welcome. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Well, you did hint that this story could combine with "The Mark"...lol. I just added another chapter to "The Mark". I'm kind of thinking of following your hint. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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So, I couldn't help myself...er, stop myself...lol. I added a rather bizarre twist to this tale. If anyone asks, I'll finish it. Please ask, please, please....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I couldn't resist throwing a completely new curve in this road...whaddaya think? ;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Very, very good. I loved the dream sequence leading to that provocative close. Wow! And, I should add, the combination of dresdendoll's chapter and this one...fits perfectly! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I'm behind the power curve...stories advanced past my reading this chapter, but...really great job, dresdendoll. Now, to catch up...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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That was simply f.... awesome!! I'm speechless, dog. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Every comment I could make has already been voiced, I think. All I can do is affirm what most of you have said. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Ronnie - glad you liked my second chapter. I'll have part 3 up today (I hope) unless someone beats me to it...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Geesh, ever hear of periods? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I agree. Too hard to read. But, because it did have some interesting premises, twists and turns, I struggled through it all. Follow ShadowMan's advice and you'll have the start of a decent story. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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LOL...what am I saying!?! I DID read some of your stuff. "The Wrath" and "A Woman Scorned". After reading "A Woman Scorned", (among the very best I've read here) praise from you takes on a whole new meaning! Seriously. Thanks, again. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Glad you liked it....I'll try and add another chapter tomorrow. Right now...I'm off to read some of your stuff!! ;o) |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I just read the story about the NY governor and the prostitution ring. Geesh, have I been living in a bowl? $5,500 for an hour. Honeygloom, I take back my comment about the price in this story....lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I was so into the story that I didn't even notice "moonlight" versus "moonlit". This is very well done. Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Seems that Jams57 story start has bump-started some interesting takes on it. This one is very good. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Super, mari. Great take on jams start and hey, you came really close to matching the original style, too! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Not quite as great as Chapter One, but close, very close!! Keep them coming, please! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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If factual, the following chapters and laudatory comments have, hopefully, postponed your intentions at least until you've finished, published and spent...oh, 108 weeks on the NY Time Best Seller list...lol. OK, I know it's not factual. I know it is a great, really great story. Very well written. Funny. Factual..hahaha and perfectly structured. Wonderful!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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That does it!! I have now read everything that rks5038 has written (here). For those stories that received laudatory comments, I was lost. I couldn't understand the "attaboys". Now, this one. The last one. I read "masterpiece". I have, to date, refrained from comment because I didn't want to be negative. Geesh, now I know why I didn't "get it". Now, I know why I couldn't understand rks5038's writing and couldn't comment. I'm simply stupid. Far beneath the intellectual level to properly read and critique true genius. Please ignore my ramblings, rks5038, and rock on! You could be the next Edgar A. Poe!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I'm sure this is a great story and mari7789 liked it (I think). I couldn't read it. Sorry. ALL CAPS is just too hard for me to wade through. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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OH, YES!! I liked this very much. The writing style, the sick humor and the subject. The subject is right up my own alley....thanks! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Great story, great empathy, great writing! Most of us can relate to theme if not the gender. I love your comment, "I did want to kill the "other woman", lol. Now I get to!" Ahh, the beauty of writing, huh? Although I don't feel good enough to mash this, there are several writer's here that are. And, of course, your own continuance would be wonderful, I'm sure. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I am a huge vampire fan and this was superb writing. Actually, I am a huge fan of immortal life, reincarnation, etc, etc and vampirism fits the category. I can't touch it to mash, but I sure hope you continue. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Really well done. Is there some personal experience here? Writing something like this would be beyond my imagination without some bit of personal experience. Of course, my imagination may be very limited....lol...versus boundless, as your may well be. I'm hoping you continue this one..... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I just finished reading the fifth (and last?)story you've submitted to this website. I use the word "story" loosely. None of them are stories (that I could discern). One was a poem and the other four were dissertations in self analysis or philosophical commentary. Well written, to be sure. Very well written. But, to my thinking, out of place here. Sorry, but that's just my opinion. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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As a kid I was always told that talking to oneself indicted lunacy. So, for a long time I refrained. I was scared shitless of being locked up in a straitjacket...lol. Naw. Seriously, I've talked to myself for as long as I can remember and you gave me great impetus to continue...lol. Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Great job, jcauthor. I've been a member for a little over a week, posted several stories, mashed several more and then been sorely disappointed by the lack of comment. Like most of you, I did not join for money or competition. I joined for love. The love of writing and sharing critique. I think I've done a pretty fair job of commenting on the stories I've read but, as mari7789 wrote, I've mostly only commented when I had something positive to say. I've always tended toward the..."if you don't have something good to say, say nothing."...corner. Well...I will henceforth be more active in comments (good and not so good) and hope that I will be on the receiving end as well. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Hope you like where I went with this. If so, I'll continue. I have enough, I think, for two or three more chapters and a bang up conclusion! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Nicely done. A little dry in the beginning, but you quickly picked it up and finished with a flourish. thanks! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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So...like, how many accounts do you have, RavenLebeau? haha. Just kidding. You really hit this nail on the head! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Really, really good. I like how you mixed humour with the real tragedy of addiction. Using the door/wall metaphor was pure genius. Thanks for a great read. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Neat....but, you didn't leave enough for the next writer...lol |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Thank YOU for putting your first chapter out there. I liked your mash on One Liner's, too, but didn't feel that "do it" pinch to add to that one. Looking forward to more of your work. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Glad you liked it sondador. I had fun doing that little piece and it would be great to keep it going and passing back and forth. I'm game if you are! I start the day just reading stories and then, when one of them hits a spark, like this one, I just have to write it right then or else I'll lose it. Thanks for giving that spark. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I probably should have asked, but the inspiration hit me and I didn't want to lose it. Hope you like my mash chapter... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I noticed the contest when I joined StoryMash a few days ago, but that wasn't why I joined. I really enjoy reading all the different stories and styles and getting feedback for what I write. I hereby officially join the "I'm going to ignore the contest" group and Mari7789's "exercise of the mind" concept...;o). |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Excellent. Truthfully, I had to read it twice before I really got it...and then, I really got it!! Very good mixing in the Jim Morrison lines. It fit perfectly! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I've always enjoyed (and envied) writer's who can develop strong emotion and say so much without going into minute details and lengthy discourse. You've done a great job of doing just that. Excellent start, I'm looking forward to more. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Great story. I really liked the end. I'm kinda of the mind that dogs are the only true "god's creatures". Assuming, of course, that there's a god to make any creatures. Well....loved the story. Good luck in the contest! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Obviously, I can't come close to your writing style and almost didn't even try to mash. But, I had a flash of inspiration and couldn't help myself. Hope you like. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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You're quickly becoming my favorite here!! Excellent writing but the real deal are your ideas and how you deal with them. Fine stuff!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I felt compelled to write a second chapter. Hope you like it. I kept the first five paragraphs of your original to set the stage for my version of chapter two. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Excellent story!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Wow...you really took this off in a direction I wouldn't have imagined. Great job, though!! And, you gave me some ideas for continuing my own version of the story. Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I partially agree about Shakespeare. Rather than made up words and phrases, though, I would say abstract words and phrases that for a layman (me) mean little to nothing...lol. I like the "keep it simple, stupid" rule. Of course, I wasn't seriously chiding you for comparing yourself to a few old master's, anyway. But, you knew that... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I agree. Beautifully written, but something is missing. sbaggyblurb may be right...emotion. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Gee, I wonder why anyone that can't accept criticism would post a story here? Fact is, norm was being nice. So was MysticPen. I thought the story could have been really good except that you mishandled it badly. It dawned on me, at the end, that the story, the way it was written, basically sucked. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Talk about a cliff hanger ending...wow!! I have to admit that I struggled through the first few paragraphs. Not sure why, but I almost quit reading. I'm glad, very glad, that I didn't. The story just kept getting better and better until that fantastic end. Please don't keep us all hanging and publish the next chapter quickly! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Great idea, excellent story line and very visual! Several very good metaphors. Really a great job. I generally hate waiting for the next chapter and in this case, I really hate the wait!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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This is really good. I picked up the multiple personality angle right away...so, what's wrong with that? LOL. Seriously, good stuff!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Nice idea and a good start.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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LOL...too much! I read your story, vote and comment how much I liked it. Two minutes later I notice that you'd done the same for my first story chapter!! Gosh, an honest to gawd mutual admiration society in the making... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Excellent! No wonder Shai'tan chose YOU to suffer for us all...hahaha. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Really, really good. I agree with "tkepunk" about the paranoia build up. Can't wait for the second chapter. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I liked this, too. But, as mari7789 wrote, the $20K price threw me off. I think it threw the whole story off for me, too. Sure, 200 $100 bills wouldn't take up a lot of space but, geesh...it such an unreasonable price for a whore that, essentially, walks the streets. Are there more chapters coming? |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Neat little story. Thanks! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I'm not usually a fan of westerns or anything close to a western, but this is a really good story. Good character and plot development. I'm looking forward to more.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Baaaaa(d), Baaaaaaaa(d).....my son tells me that means really good!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Excellent story, ShadowMan. The ending (I assume that chapter two was the last chapter) was as unexpected as a snow cone in hell!! Great!! |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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This is really, really good. Fantastic character development into the "problem". Can't wait to read more.... |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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Shadowman - thanks for the tip, reference the profanity filter. conceptionofsociety - Cool deal comparing your writing to Shakespeare, Oscar Wilde and Poe...lol. |
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writerwannabe 3 years, 11 months ago
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I'm new here and I've read about 15 of the current stories, so far. I really like the way yours in developing and wanted to comment on the use of swear words. I think the use of them in your story definitely helps define the character. In general, I believe the use of swear words implicit in character development. I also believe that the ***** used to "delete" a word constitutes censorship. If certain readers have a problem with today's language....real world stuff, they should perhaps stick to reading the bible or other religiously approved material. I noticed in this websites Blog (not updated since Nov 07) that there was query by the owners as to what to do about swear words. It seems they elected to ***** them, after all. What a pity. |
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