Discussion of "Black Converse - Revised (2)" by writerwannabe

Decent short story. Felt too predictable though and too... random. Nothing tied into anything else. Horror stories usually have some ironic twist. Cliche, but it's almost an industry standard now. Well written of course, but I expect that from you at this point. lol

Thanks for the comment, QuantasCylak. After reading all but one of your postings, I am doubly pleased that you took the time to read and comment. I'll get to the "Flatline" mash you wrote later (it's long and I'm out of time), but the Flatline series is one of my all time favorites here on SM, so I'm sure your mash will be exquisite! I'm still mulling over your comment here, "..too...random. Nothing tied into anything else". Not sure what you mean, I guess. I think I was leaving some things vague in order to finish with a bang, but from your comment that didn't work as well as I'd thought it would. Drat! Good thing I don't give up easily..lol.
I'll work on that!
Thanks, again.

I said predictable, because as soon as Matt walks into the old, cobweb infested house, you foreshadow Na'amah's transformation with every description.

I said random because it felt strange that an old witch would use sneakers in a laundrymat to draw men to her.

But in retrospect, the converse worked. It was the heavy foreshadowing that didn't work. For instance, if the witch had told him the shoes had saved him from some specific death- confirming the note-, drained the tension out of the scene, and then eaten his...er... soul, the ending would have possessed more punch.
Ironically, flatline is my worst mash yet. I'm no dogdeity when it comes to first person and I ended up writing a chapter that pretty much went in a circle. But this does bring me to my next point. I don't see a whole lot of mashes on here that are ever concluded, unless the first chapter's author does it. So help me out, lets start going through these mashes and finishing them!

Writer loved it. The changes were great though they were at parts that didn't really matter. But they only made a fantastic story more fantastic.

I will be contributing my own story over to the anthology...would you mind reading/commenting on that.....I will post it here in a day or two.
Thanks and great story!

Heylo!
I agree with QuantasCylak....this was a good story, but I had a hard time try to keep up with it. I did'nt think it was predicatble until after the shoes took over...and then that was it for me. Otherwise...everything else was perfect...I enjoyed this very much! Keep up the good work!