Discussion of "The Unknown 4 - Duplicity" by wolfram

Wolf, this is superb writing. Truly. I started reading, Maribel melting into Roberts arms and thought...now effin' way! You know women well, I think. Then, she gets mad, she gets linebacker tough and I thought...YES, that's how I see her. And Robert. Man, no way did I expect him to turn out such a nice guy, a really good guy caught in the sticky web of life and power brokers. Talk about a roller coaster storyline..wow. Oh, and in case that wasn't enough, you filled it with beautifully written prose, spot on dialogue and really believable science fact. I'm not waving the white flag..there's still our lovely judges to consider...but, I've got it handy. 5 stars!
I'm not going to read over these comments for errors or typos...so, iffin' there be some, sorry.

Great job Wolf. Too good in fact. Your chapter worries me...
I love the direction you took. We all expect Robert and company to be the bad guys, but in fact its the FBI. Good twist, and you presented everything believably.

One thing is you advanced it a bit far in my opinion. The only enemy/danger to the kids already has a gun pointed at his chest, when I was hoping for an action-packed mrs b kicking **** final chapter, but it seems like its already taken care of. Other then that, fantastic.

Thanks WWWB and Cheeseliker! Neither one of you should be worried, both your chapters were fantastic.
Cheese, I see what you're saying about the advancement at the end. I had ended an earlier draft with her revealing Pete back at the lab, but it felt like I hadn't moved the plot forward enough. I was hoping to convey that Pete was expecting them, and not at all afraid of Maribel for some reason. She thinks she has the upper hand, but does she?
Thanks again for the comments!

I scribbled notes while I read your entry. Then I tried to decipher my notes. There's a reason I type everything.

I'll leave proofreading to Kat and the sisters.

I'm stuck somewhere between slow and suspenseful. Maribel meets Robert, gets embraced, slaps him, disables Hiram, then threatens her ex for the bulk of the chapter as they move through the building and lab. Thanks for moving the scene along through the fortress and laboratory during the exposition - helps when events progress alongside the dialog.

I had difficulty latching onto the characters' mindsets. Maribel is furious, gets even angrier (nice line), and melts when she realizes how hard Rob tried [and failed] to replicate Danya? Why so angry in the first place? I'd rank confusion as paramount. Overwhelmed. At times, you had her thinking through her words, and those sounded more like the Maribel of the earlier chapters. There were two lines that jumped out as _almost_ right:

"That's for kidnapping me at gunpoint and for generally being an ****." Generally? It seemed a better setup for a stronger trash-talk for someone as clever as Ms. B.

"Just come with me. You can keep your weapon on me the entire time." O.T.M. I know Robert is confident and thrilled to see her, but I can't hear him saying that. Sounds wrong.

You also fought a difficult battle of strange phrasing and pauses. It's a hesitant conversation and she... she sometimes had difficulty drawing out... the proper words. Somewhere along the line, the ellipses distracted me. I don't have a solution, but it's something to watch. (Says the guy who overuses hyphens.)

When she locked Hiram into the car, I wanted her to bang/kick the trunk lid. Something to demonstrate her frustration without taking it out on Robert. And then hubby offers his arm? While she still has the gun? Odd.

"You choose the beginning, and I'll choose the ending." There's the think/speak I admire.

Wanted more from "his help had led to more than a passing grade, and we were married right after the summer..." I dunno. "He tutored me in biology. We practiced chemistry on our own." Ouch, that's dreadful.

Do parents keep the fetal demise from miscarriages?

Genius turn with the fertility expert quack.

In a Society fortress, two guards with guns stop them as the elevator opens. No noticed watchmen elsewhere (which could've easily explained Hiram's escape, BTW - the release latch was unnecessary), no snipers, no safeguards beyond two armed guys who dismiss them after an argument? A tad convenient. Sounds like Robert is the head of the whole plant (is he?), but with the FBI after them, I'd expect better protection. Case in point, when she lowers the weapon and hugs him, they're in the lab - where'd Maurice go? They didn't follow?

Good handling of her double-existence.
Gratuitous explanation of the Society.

I want Rob to keep a cigarette on his ear. Or in his shirt pocket. Some reminder of Iowa. Does he still wear a wedding band?

I have to believe with all the crap going on there, a cell phone signal wouldn't make it through an elevator and underground lair. Then again, agency phones have already proven themselves superpowered with batteries that last years and reception that spans Oregon highways. I'll grant you that.

"Danya was the biplane target. Not you." Whoa.
"Dead by Monday. Move up the timetable." Triple-whoa.

Great set up at the school with Pete, and I like the justification of the busloads of kids. To the school. To go boom, I suspect. Nothing like a ticking bomb (even symbolic) to initiate the conclusion chapter.

(4)

Great job! I'm not as picky as nashville (:)) which is probably not a good thing. Just want to say it's interesting how every story i've read, and mine, has killed off danya lol.

Also, good job on giving us an idea of what her feelings are really like. I had a bit of trouble with this (maybe cause i'm not a woman).

My one helpful pointer is that, with Robert being the boss of the building, he seems fine to abandon it very quickly when Maribel says ""Robert, we need to get to the town! Now!"

Lastly, as nashville said, it seems a little easy to get into the building. But hey, maybe that could be a catch in the next chapter!

Other then that, nice job.

Here are the notes I took as I read your entry:
The description of a ‘comfortable straw mattress’ threw me. I’ve never slept on a straw mattress that I recall, but I’ve usually only heard them associated with poverty and discomfort. However, I love her desire to sip hot cocoa and read trashy novels. It’s a very realistic, human touch.
Great job handling Maribel’s reaction to Robert’s reappearance.
There usually needs to be a comma between two adjectives describing the same noun (as in ‘a short, fat gentleman’), but that’s only when the last adjective doesn’t combine with the noun to make a phrase (like in ‘red brick wall’ – ‘brick wall’ makes a phrase, so there is no comma). The easy way to tell is to try either putting an ‘and’ between the two adjectives or reversing their order. If it still makes sense, you need a comma. If it doesn’t, then no comma. So: ‘comfortable straw mattress” and “one fat lunatic” – no commas. (Okay, so the ‘one fat lunatic’ example isn’t because of the phrase rule, but it still doesn’t use a comma.)
I laughed out loud at Lockley’s first sentence after getting his butt kicked.
Maribel’s switch from angry and hostile to tender and gentle seemed a bit too quick. One minute she was making threats to blow his head off, and then she’s accusatorily asking why he didn’t replicate their daughter – and suddenly makes the switch to tenderly asking why he never bothered to pick up the phone (my paraphrase).
You had a couple of missing question marks (for instance, “how long before they get here?”).
Watch your punctuation with dialogue. When you have a direct tag (he said, he yelled, he exclaimed, etc) for dialogue ending in a period, you use a comma instead of a period and no capital letter on the tag. For instance: instead of – “I thought you said we had an hour.” He yelled. – it should be – “I thought you said we had an hour,” he yelled. Same for Maribel’s statements, except ‘I’ stays capitalized.
Great twist on Pete – well done!
This was a great, fascinating idea. I really enjoyed reading it. You managed to tie things up pretty neatly so that chapter 5 is left open for some exciting action without having to slow down for too much explaining. However, there are a couple of gaps left: why is the FBI so interested in destroying these children? There seems to be no apparent motive for shutting this ‘society’ down. There also wasn’t much explanation of some of the bizarre events with the children – the disappearing/reappearing, or filling the street while Lockley was capturing Maribel. Overall, good job!
I gave it a 4.5.

And I forgot to mention - big props on bringing the cell phone back in. I'd have to double check this, but I don't think any of the other entries even acknowledged that she still had an open line to Wilkes right in her pocket...

The echo in the beginning is a little corny… and the 007 garage at the end, well you know. Hey, Lockly got some lines too, nice. Kept Ms. B a smart, **** kicking agent, very nice. The explanation, exposition didn’t feel heavy handed or over done and you moved us through the facility with conversation, great for pacing. Fake doctors, replications not clones, fantastic. You tie their history together in seamlessly with the future. Perfect cliffhanger…Very nice stuff Wolfram:)

Holy cow. The emotion in the opening was so real. The intensity was great. I loved the way she dispatched Lockley. “Your body is going into this trunk, one way or another." – what a line! It kept her tough side going, after showing her vulnerable side in the beginning.

It was a fascinating concept – the difference between cloning and replication. I had to read it a couple times to catch on, as all we hear about is cloning. I really like it that Robert is being portrayed as having good intentions. “Performing real miracles for grieving parents…” As good as it sounds, something must be amiss for the government to want to shut them down. Eerie!

Most of the questions are answered logically, but a big one I was left wondering about is what’s up with the threat on her life. I can see where the kids’ lives are threatened, but Jake had said she would be dead by Monday.

However, it is an awesome continuation, and keeps the feel of the previous chapters. Great job!

Yay, I get to be first to say congrats and well done!

Congrats!!!

Congratulations, Wolfram! Excellent writing, well deserved win.

Congratulations! I can only say that I'm sorry I wasn't able to act as a judge this round--damn those pesky sinus infections!

I'm excited to see where this will take us!

congrats wolf....

Thanks guys! I'd like to say it was easy, but the other authors, like Cheese, WWB and Foo, have this annoying habit of writing kick-**** chapters, round after round.
Katrina, you were missed. Hope you feel better.

Congratz, wolfie:)