Discussion of "Sins of the Mother rivised(Chapter )" by whisper55

Sorry You will find this on my profile posted twice. Its late here..I am sleepy, and thats my story and I am sticken to it.

Hehe ok I believe you! Whisper55, I like your revisions. You have introduced interesting ideas, and I very much like the creepy atmosphere and even creepier events downstairs.

I still stand by my comments about Adara being able to open the crate, it is just too momentous a revelation to skip over without some reaction from Adar, who has not been aware that she could move anything in her visions and dreams until that moment. However, she could certainly even remember that detail and process it in the next chapter, so it isn't a fatal omission :-).

I am very glad you added to the chapter, it is much more interesting now. Way to go, whisper55!

Your chapter raised some interesting issues, like Paige having to somehow pay for Adara's sins, but also a lot of questions for me...I didn't understand how the phone message made Adara realize that there was a connection to St. Stephen's. It goes very quickly from Franco wondering if Paige is at a friend's house (which certainly would have already been discussed by the two of them long before the police would be involved) to Adara understanding how everything fits. And there are a lot of distracting typos and grammar issues, too.

LOL whisper! Ok, here's my two cents. You have a good idea of where you wanted your chapter to go, I see that. I like that you brought us to St. Stephens, but you stopped before you got started. Aside from typos, I think that reworking many of your sentences would have been beneficial to your chapter. The best advice I was ever given was that when a sentence doesn't flow when read aloud, rework it over and over until it does. (This is not something one does in draft writing, but later, when polishing.) Give much more attention to the fact that Adara has realized that she can 'move' items in her dreams. This is crucial. Adara and Bohac...? The whole exchange is awkward...they would have gone over this days before. It isn't necessary. In your exchange between Franco and Adara, you skip some key reactions on Franco's part. Also, (I could be wrong, and I will double check) but Adara's character was always written in first person. For a story to flow, it might be key to continue that. You have direction, just work on sentence structure and filling in gaps with enough detail and reaction to get the reader invested in the characters and the chapter.

I like that you started out this chapter with the dream from the previous chapter, and I was also pleased to see you bring back the boy who was killed for stealing. Great!

Proofread, proofread, proofread! Your grammar's shaky.

In several areas, your chapter seemed rushed. Take your time.

I noticed that you switched between the first person point of view and the third person point of view. Keep a close eye on this in the future--it's very distracting.

Overall, it was a fun read, but I have to say that I don't think it furthered the plot very much.

Good job!

I’m confused. Adara sees what I think is some kind of warehouse in her dream, but her intuition tells her to search St. Stephens? I didn’t see the connection. It seemed like you had an idea of what you wanted to accomplish, but maybe didn’t spend enough time on it. There were some elements that could have been really interesting if they had been fleshed out a little more. For example, the music, the connection to her old school, the voice she couldn’t quite recognize, these could have all been cool twists. I could definitely see it all going somewhere, but you didn’t take the time to develop it.