Discussion of "The Sins Of The Mother" by whisper55

whisper55, you introduce some interesting ideas here, but it feels a bit choppy to me. I had a problem with Adara being able to pry open boxes in her dream. It could be longer, so if you thought of it as almost an outline of sorts, you can give it a go at filling in and also could continue from where you left off for several paragraphs. I know it is tough to keep the story going, it has gotten complicated, and there are a couple of incongruities that have crept in. It is challenging to keep up the pace and introduce ideas that move the story forward. We all need to bring our best game here to make this a good one!

I like the aura of suspicion you cast on Franco--that was something I toyed with a lot too. I like that you tried to tie the opening of this to the end of the previous winning chapter, but I agree with the other comment about her being able to affect her surroundings in a dream--of course, if it turns out she's actually being transported to another place physically, then it's a moot point, but so far she's stays in "reality" during these visions, so prying open the box of iPods threw me. I would've liked to see a little more action--we didn't really learn anything concrete in this chapter--we learned Paige May Be held by a woman, that Franco Maybe is a little creepy, and that Adara May Have committed some sin in the past that is now going to be pinned on Paige, but the only really concrete thing that happens is that the cops take off, so it felt a little anticlimatic. So short-version answer: I liked it, I just wanted more!

I am Native American we have shadow walkers, ghost walkers and dream walkers, but haven't you ever dreamed you were doing something. She wasn't doing this for real, but only dreaming she was doing this, get it?

Gotcha gotcha, when dealing with books that have supernatural aspects to them, the tendency is to err on the side of the weird, I think, which is why I automatically assumed she was actually doing it--especially since it tied so perfectly to the previous chapter. If it had been something other than iPods in there, something that maybe revealed a part of Adara's psyche instead of a straight commercial product, I think what you were going for would have come across.

Sure I get it, whisper55. It is just inconsistent with the many visions she has had up to this point where she wasn't able to interact at all. If she is suddenly able to interact it would be a huge revelation to her (and the readers). She doesn't understand the reasons or mechanics of her visions, so if she suddenly discovered she could interact with the environment, she would wonder if it had actually happened or not, and further wonder if she might be able to intervene and stop future killings and other events. I am not against introducing the incident with the crate, but it needs to be fleshed out because Adara would most certainly be blown away and it would carry a great deal of weight, rather than being something that she just casually did as a matter of coarse. If you could have her either wondering if she could, trying it and being amazed that it worked, or having some sort of reaction after the fact, that would help. It also introduces as new power for solving the crimes. If her talent is evolving, you could add quite a bit more to the chapter and even make that a main theme, I think that would be a great twist, and it would be very interesting to empower our new character. Your chapter could easily be three times its current length. I would love to see what you can do with this one, including the discovery of being able to interact. Either way, I look forward to reading your future works! :-)

correction to previous post: "empower our new character"... omit "new". Sorry! :-)