Discussion of "The Unknown, Chapter II (The Change)" by wendyboop

Intriguing idea! I had considered having Jake overhear his dad as well. I liked the feel of her panic. Also liked that you left her cocoa untouched so someone can play off that. Also liked that you showed how she had bonded with the kids.
You write very well, just had a few typos that likely would be picked up in editing. Main ones I saw were "Its because he knows why you are here he said..." (I believe that should have a comma after here - probably should just start with the "He said", but kids don't use correct grammer, so the layout you have is very natural.)
Also, in the line "...various students' parents what were trying to kill me." ("what" should have been "who", I believe)
Normally, I wouldn't critique to this extent, but I saw your comments to Whale and Hebe... Anyway, good job - 3.5 stars

The first error you pointed out was intentional - I wanted to words to run together so you could "read" the panic in his voice. I know my daughter runs everything together when she is scared.

And you caught me on the other one! Sometimes my fingers have a mind of my own!

I was scared to read your comment - I am always afraid the original author will be disappointed in the direction I took. At least with this site, you can make your own second chapter as well if you want to go in a different direction.

Anyway, thanks for writing this story, it was fun to mash, and I appreciate the critique/comments!

Not bad. It totally was not where I saw her story going but I like it anywya!

Wendyboop - I just published my part 2 and I had the dad idea also! lol.

I too enjoyed the panic in his voice and utilized that in my story as well. Overall it was a good read, but I would have liked to see you get a bit more in depth. All in all, it was very good. well done!

at first it seemed a bit cliche.but i make u want to kno wht the change is.and u couldve expanded on him overhearing his dad.

true...but then I would give it away, lol...

thought we could save that for chapter three!

My favorite part was the ending with Amy. 'Change' can mean quite a few things and it really set up the possiblities of the next chapter. Jake was well done also; reminded me of my little brother when he's in trouble, haha. Good job.

Good job - it's realistic, especially in details like Jake using his shirt to wipe his face, and her doing housework to keep occupied. You've deepened the mystery with this whole 'change' business - well done! I give you a 4. Good luck!

Thanks all!

Very nicely done, wendyboop. Your writing is very good, especially in those little details that make a story more real. I thought you continued the story well, moved the plot forward and left it quite well for the next chapter. I do have a couple of nits, though. The first is that I found this piece a teensy bit too short and the second...well, the second is the part about Jake's Dad making him promise not to tell. If "the change" is as mysterious as you've made it to be (and there's no doubt that you made that point); I can't see Jake's dad risking being overheard by Jake (especially as this change has something to do with Jake)and most especially, once overheard, I can't see Jake's dad letting him out of the house! Well, my opinions, of course. Overall I very much liked the mash and your writing style. My vote: 3.5

I'm with you on the second point but this story is teetering on that thin line between suspense and horror. If it ends up just being suspense then it's questionable but if it's horror, logic won't really apply to the situation. Judging by some horror done today, Ms. B could end being chased by cyclopean clowns with potato guns. I really doubt wendyboop would right that, though, haha. But that would be damn funny.

Wow! Now I have ideas for chapter 3!

I see what you are saying. I agree as well in reading it, but when I hear the story in my head it makes more sense since I know what would come next in my scenario.

I don't think Jake's dad would worry about being overheard talking about the change (since that doesn't tell anyone much). Also, since the "change" is coming for Jake, he probably thinks that he no longer would worry about Jake telling anyone anything. I bet if I told my hubby I had to kill someone and my daughter overheard, she wouldn't tell anyone. She would beg me not to, but she wouldn't risk getting her mom in trouble, and during the weekend when she got the "change", afterward I would think she wouldn't want to tell anyone anyway.

You can also think that obviously Jake's dad is not in his right mind anyway if he is going to allow something to happen to his son and is going to kill someone so it can happen.

PS - Jake wasn't supposed to have been out of the house

I can see your point though!! I am just so glad people keep commenting on my writing style - I care more about that than the story - I was always worried my writing was too childish or not sophisticated enough.

and thanks for the 3.5....everytime I come in here, my rating keeps going down!!

My son can't even talk yet so I wouldn't have to worry about any of this, haha. But I see what you're saying; being in state of delerium drastically alters someone's judgement. And don't worry about writing sophisticated. Just get your point across in a way that feels comfortable to you yet you're proud of. The woman that won the first contest writes in a very classic lit kind of way and that works for her. Aggeloi writes in an epic, medieval-story fashion and I write crap about people stapled to walls. How you write is perfectly fine; don't write in a way that you aren't comfortable just to impress people.
P.S.-Yeah, we all need all the help we can get with the scores. We're all getting shot down pretty bad, haha.

'crap about people stapled to walls' - actually laughed out loud at that one :-)

I wouldn't call it crap - creepy and twisted... I say, go check it out 'cause I shouldn't be the only one haunted by what zatoichi's written.

LOL...true, zatoichi, very true.
BTW, I loved your comment to that goofball in this contest...hmmm, forgot his/her name. Make that a he, no woman would write crap like that...at least, none that I know or know of...lol.

I'm slipping................

Very... weird...

Well written, and I too went with the overheard dad take on Jake. But I was troubled that you have Mrs. B. waiting around for clues to come to her. She's an agent and now knows she's in imminent danger, wouldn't she take a more active role in figuring out what the hell Jake was talking about? I also would have liked to see you take the plot a bit deeper/further than you did. Overall, a good job. 3.5