Oh darlin' I'm felin' tender
And I'm very very sore
My poor boobies got mammogramed today
It's somethin' they have never done before

They have been squished in all directions
And then squashed as pancake flat
And it sure didn't help my boobs
To be nice and round and fat

The contraption they call a mammogram
Is an inhumane type of machine?
It wrangles them and tangles them
Beyond the wildest nighttime dream

So hoist up boobie number one
And plop it in the inhumane jaws
Twist and squirm a little please
While the nurse records the scores

Stretch just a wee bit further round dear
You're being brave and doing so well
You sweetly smile and wish that the silly nurse
Would leave you alone in your private hell

Now let's have boobie number two
She sweetly says to me
Just haul it up and flop it down
Right there in front of me

That wasn't so bad she says to me
As she pats me on the shoulder
Doesn't she understand that my poor boob?
Is as tender as a boulder

Then just when you think it's over
And you can take your poor boobies home
They say they need to have another shot
Of them laying there alone

So they photograph my tender boobs
While I curse and swear again
When the nurse asks me if I am alright
I wish she could feel the pain

I'd rather have my babies pinging them
When they are slurping up their grub
Or have them bouncing up and down
When I am sitting in the tub

So honey please be gentle
When you squeeze my boobs tonight
Because the poor old darlin's
Have had a terrible fright