It is not a question of how to deal with hard times. It is not even about hope love or anxiety. The fact is, I am still in love with this woman. No matter how much time we have spent apart, no matter how much I have grown and gone through since the last time, I caress her with my thoughts. But that is not enough.
I have always thought a relationship is like a shark, it just has to move forward. Yes, there are children involved, but a marriage is not about children, it's about soulmates. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. But that doesn't mean there is still that bond that once drew me inevitably to my wife.
Irreconcilable differences. Sometimes I sit around and think about what that means. Sometimes I think about the fact that she never understood me. She never understood why instead of taking her out to dinner I would pick up a book, or turned on the laptop and started writing. It was not a lack of love, it's just that I am always looking ahead.
Women like her tend to find comfort in a routinary life. Monday with the children, sex on Wednesday night, Long TV nights on Thursday and a Friday movie. She left when I could no longer play the role. It seems like we have always been at different places. It seems like we were never actually together. Actually together.
Love. The Erotic Drive. It gives me shivers just to think how it all starts out. Irreconcilable differences. It is ridiculous just to think how those seem so easy to overcome when you are young and in love. Being in love; it is different from loving somebody. Being in love is about physical anxiety. It is that heat in the middle of the night or that smell that you cannot stop thinking about. I used to be in love with her. Now that I only love her but am not in love with her, our differences are irreconcilable.
It is almost impossible not to love her. We have our time together that neither of us can let go of. There is the fact that we share the most precious things either of us have. And there is the fear that now that it is over, there will be no other Her.
I am afraid. My hair is thick right now but I have looked at locks that fall in the shower. It meant nothing a year ago, but it is getting irritating. I don't digest very well anymore, I get heartburn. I have gained a couple pounds over the last few months. I shall soon be wearing the bottom of my trousers rolled.
The sex was never bad. I actually miss it. I miss waking up next to her. I miss her breath in the morning. That soury smell before she brushed her teeth. Irreconcilable differences.
If I do call her, it is not to let her now that I have moved on. It is not to rub into her face the fact that I have made it without her. Although I have. I am alone but I have never been better financially and socially. I drink with Nobel Laureates. I am working on my third PhD. In fact I am a happy man. My hair is thinning a little but I am a happy man. But I call her just to be sure that she exists. Like a pinch in the arm that lets you know that you are not dreaming. Making sure that she exists.
Irreconcilable differences. The judge does not even ask you what those differences are. Nobody wants to know and I have come to realize I do not either. The pair of words is comforting. They give order to the chaos and allow you to move on. I think of them in terms of time. I cannot reconcile the fact that we have changed so much. I used to be in love with her and now just love her. Now that is a difference from my former self that I cannot reconcile. I cannot reconcile. We cannot reconcile. I miss her. Irreconcilable differences.