Discussion of "The Unlived Life- Chapter One" by thunderhorse09
JRosemary 6 years, 4 months ago
I think you can make this chapter much stronger by (surprise, surprise) showing us how John is feeling rather than telling us. Instead of "Our story begins," I'd start with something like "John trudged up the steps of his high school, dreading his English class."
It's unfortunate, but realistic, that John would be miserable because of a rumor that he's gay. The homophobia in some high-schools is terrifying. (That may be changing, but it's a slow process.)
I'd watch out for 'information-dumping.' You don't have to tell us about John's father in chapter one. Give us a sense of John's ordinary life at home instead, and leave us wondering why his father's not around.
Despite these problems, I think you have a fine story here. I'm looking forward to more.
hidden comment from JRosemary with score of 1