want to participate?
login or register

Discussion of "The Unlived Life- Chapter Two- The Fight" by thunderhorse09


1 JRosemary 5 years ago Reply

Once again, I think you need to show more and tell less. For example, instead of writing, "
This made John mad," try, "John clenched his fists" or "John gritted his teeth."

But I think there's a larger problem: I found myself not believing John's actions. I understood his anger--although I wish he'd realize that being mistaken for gay isn't the worst thing that will ever happen to him--but I had a hard time viewing him as disturbed enough (and stupid enough) to bring a gun to school.

Perhaps the problem is that I don't know John well enough yet. Ok, you told me that he has some issues at home--but so what? So do lots of kids, and the overwhelming majority would never hold another kid at gunpoint. Find a way to make me really feel John's anger--to make me realize how crushed he is by this rumor. Show me how shaky his confidence is, show me how he's desperate to be perceived as a 'real man.' Give me some indication of what he thinks of gay kids--I'm guessing his mind is filled with negative stereotypes.

Don't mistake me; I still think this story has potential. I hope this critique helps you realize it.


  hidden comment from JRosemary with score of 1
Add Comment