Room 106.    Pitt Memorial Hospital.  I was there to see my Grandmother. 

I have always called her Grammy for short, as long as I could remember.  She’s been there for me every single day of my life.  Her words have always instilled in me wisdom, love and knowledge.  Molding me into the man I have become today.  Seeing her two days ago, she looked much better than what I saw now.    Looking at her as I stood in the doorway, all I saw was a haggard and agitated old lady.  As if she had aged tremendously in a short period of time. 

What caused her to have to be rushed here to the hospital? 

I got the call that she was here from her nurse practitioner, who was with her when it happened.  When I got to the hospital she had met me coming down the hallway.   She wanted to make sure I would be calm and be able to remain that way.   When I asked Sarah what was going on with my grandmother, she refused to tell me anything.  After being repeatedly reassured by her that it wasn’t life threatening, I finally calmed down and listened.    We had talked briefly about Grammy.  Sarah said it was an anxiety attack, brought on by the fear of something.  She said that Grammy wouldn’t tell her what was wrong.  Only that she needed to see me.  Through tears I kept telling her how much Grammy meant to me.  How Grammy is all that I have left.     Now I realize even more  that Sarah is such a wonderful support system for my grandmother.  I have to remember to thank her for being patient and handling the situation in a very professional manner.  

Room 106.  My knees buckled at the sight of her.  She looked like a frightened child.

Waves of emotions rushed over me as I ran to my grandmother, grabbing her and squeezing tightly.  Instantly I felt sorry for her.  I also felt sorry for myself.   But I couldn’t understand why.  As hard as it was to let her go, I managed; being mindful of her needs and the condition she was in.  I couldn’t believe it was her with that lost look in her eyes…not my Grammy. Grammy was strong.  Her picture would be in the dictionary beside the definition of a true grandmother.     

“Grammy, are you okay?”  My voice sounded as if it were a whisper.  “How are you feeling? I came as soon as Sarah called.  What…what happened to you?”

Looking in her eyes, I saw something in them that was never there before.  Fear.  Crouched and lurking.  She looked as if something terrible was about to happen.  I imagined her running down the hall, screaming at people, eyes bulging.  Like hell meant to spew itself upon us.  And we would scream.  Boy, would we scream...

Her body trembled as if I had spoken out loud.  A nervous smile quickly faded from her lips and she blurted out words in rapid succession. 

“I knew you would come quickly Joshua.  But I…I am okay now, and I am praying everything will be fine.  The last thing that I wanted was to end up in here. Sarah, well, she and I were talking and all of a sudden I knew that things are meant to be.  What can I do to stop anything from happening?  No one can change any of the things already set in motion.  We must follow the lead and the will of God.  Yes, that’s the only way. Joshua, don’t think that your grandmother is becoming feeble by the way I am talking, the way I am acting.  I should have been stronger and laid it all out when I saw you the other day.  But I was scared to.  Maybe even hoping that it would all go away…then I wouldn’t be here, and you wouldn’t know anything.  I tried to be strong, but I couldn’t.  I am so sorry for all of this.”

Grammy motioned for me to sit down.  A shiver that felt like a steel ball propelled itself down my back.   Reaching backwards for a chair to sit in, I kept my eyes on her with every movement I made.    In all my 30 years, I knew Grammy to be in this condition only one day out of the year.  The day my grandfather passed away.  I was getting a feeling like things were about to be changed, altered.  I somehow knew that when I walked out of here, I was going to be leaving with a completely restructured thought process.  Things that worried me before would cease to exist. 

Grammy shifted her position on the hospital bed.  Her restlessness was obvious.  I pulled the chair as close to the bed as I could get it.  I attempted a heartfelt smile, holding her hand and rubbing it gently, wanting to keep her calm. 

“Why would you be sorry Grammy?  There is nothing to be sorry about.  I just thank God that you’re okay.”  A tear I tried to stop from falling slid down my left cheek. 

  “I know Joshua…I know.   Don’t be upset.  I called Sarah to come by to see me this morning.   I didn’t feel like driving to her office, and she said that she didn’t mind coming over to my house.  You know how Sarah is.  She cares about her patients.  Always have, and not just me.  Everyone loves her.  I knew that you had your clients, and I didn’t want to bother you at your job.  So don’t be upset.  It’s just lately I haven’t been feeling very well.  It really hit me a few days ago, after you left from visiting.  I was suddenly reminded of so many things of the past, and it all became too overwhelming.  The past has a way of catching up to you, and sometimes things that you wish you could forget are suddenly at the forefront of your mind again.” Grammy paused.  Hands that were once steady shook with dread. 

“I was mainly thinking of you, and how fine of a young man you have turned out to be.   I can’t understand why you’re still single.  I have been thinking about your first prom, your high school graduation, when you started college and the day you finished.  How you have blossomed into a man any mother would be proud of.  And your mother was proud to have given birth to you.  She showered you with her affection.”

Grandmother looked away from me towards the window.   

“Your mother….I loved her very much.  Her choices may not have always been the best, but I never doubted her.  Her love was unconditional.  There was nothing she couldn’t do.  She wanted to have free will to do whatever she wanted, and not have to worry about any rules and regulations.”

That feeling of unease wouldn’t go away.  I leaned forward trying to get comfortable, trying to find a relaxing position.  It wasn’t working.  I felt awkward all of a sudden.  Then words escaped my mouth before I realized that I had asked the question that ruled my thoughts. 

“Grammy, what is this all about?  I mean, what caused you to have to be brought here?  She put her hand on my mouth to quiet me. 

“I want to talk to you about your mother.   There are some things that you must know.  That I have never spoken of, to anyone.   Then you will understand the reason we are here.  Me on this bed…and you in that chair.” 

She paused again to collect her thoughts.  I looked at my watch.  Not because I was concerned about time.  I needed to know the exact moment when my life would change forever. 

5:52. 

Grammy saw me look at my watch as if she knew what I was thinking. 

“The time has come that you must hear the things I need to tell you.  Then my promise will be fulfilled and I can finally be free of all I have known all these years.  I need you to listen carefully, to understand and remember everything that I am about to tell you.   Okay?  Can you do that for me Joshua?”

I answered her nervously.  “Yes…ma’am.”   

She scanned my face, looking for truth in it. Grammy took a deep breath, wiped her eyes, and a past hidden for over three decades came to life.

“Your mother was a free spirit.  She excelled in academics during her high school and college years.  Honor student.  Earned a Master’s degree in Chemistry, a Doctorate in Physics.  She was obsessed with gaining knowledge.   She could read a chapter in a book and accurately cite many of the main points, almost word for word.  Those who knew her were blown away by how intelligent she was.  And beautiful?  Your mother had so many eyes on her wherever she went, that I often thought about hiring a bodyguard to protect her…I wish I would have now.” 

Grammy reached for a napkin to wipe away tears.  Her hands shook so uncontrollably that she couldn’t even grab a napkin from the box that was on the table beside me.   I grabbed the box and held it towards her.  She began to apologize again.  

“Please find it in your heart to forgive us.  I tried everything I could to me a good parent.  When your mother was an only child, we showered her with love and all the things that came along with being young and impressionable.   Birthday parties every year, church every Sunday…you name it we did it, because a good parents raises a child up right.  And that’s what me and your grandfather tried to be.  It was your grandfather who got her into reading so much.  That is what sparked her interest into taking a trip to that observatory.” 

Karen was really fascinated with things such as…religious doctrine, the functions of the brain, quantum physics, time travel, psychedelics, you name it.   She came home one day and told me there were some interesting things happening over in the Middle East, and she wanted to go and further her studies.  She convinced me that it was the opportunity of a lifetime, and her research would take two years to theorize and come up with a hypothesis.”   

She paused to wipe tears.  Her hands steady for the first time since laying eyes on me. 

“When your mother returned, she was not the same woman who’d left here.  I and your grandfather were sitting home one day, and we heard a knock at the door.  There she was at our doorstep, and in the distance we saw an unmarked van driving away.  It just didn’t want to register with us that it was her, standing there looking malnourished…and she smelled awful.    What really shocked us was her eyes were blindfolded and over them were dark sunglasses. Your grandfather and I were just bewildered, staring at her in amazement before we pulled her inside to try and find out what was going on.  There was no phone call from her or anyone informing us that she was coming home.   After weeks of trying, we finally contact the scientists she worked with there.  They are trying to claim that she was never a part of their study.  That no one by that name was ever a part of their research.  I have never been told anything about what changed her so dramatically.  Not even your mother would tell us.   She wasn’t….confused.  She wasn’t delirious or unstable.  She was calm when we brought her inside.  But all the energy, the confidence she had when she left…all those things were gone.  She rarely ever talked anymore from that point on, and when she did it was with very short responses.  But there is one thing that I will never forget.”  Grammy stared at nothing; her face taking on the look of someone taking a memory step back in time.   Her voice became a whisper. 

“The way her eyes looked…when I took those sunglasses off  her face…”