I am dying. 

The spirit horse will soon be galloping my way, being lead by the Grim Reaper.  Coming for my soul.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think he would be coming for me this fast.  Never for once thought it.  Now I can hear those footsteps, getting closer....closer....

This I found out today from a neurologist by the name of Dr. Timothy Stone. One of the most respected and highly recommended neurologists in the nation. 

See, there is a tumor on my brain.  Been there for months.  I sat looking at this doctor and listening to this unexpected news in total disbelief.   

"Your MRI shows that you have a brain tumor Mr. Holloman.  I hate to be the bearer of this sad news.  There are different types of brain tumors.  You have what is called an astrocytoma tumor.  It is in an untreatable stage at this point.  To perform surgery may prove to be even more fatal.  If you choose to not undergo surgery, you have, possibly, 30 days to live.  I'm sorry." 

(He said much more, of course but this is what I mainly remember).

When those words came out of Dr. Stone's mouth my first reaction was to simply chop him in his throat and yell at him to take them back.  Take back those horrible words of death. 

He continued to tell me that the symptoms of brain tumors depend on tumor size, type, and location. Symptoms may be caused when a tumor presses on a nerve or damages a certain area of the brain. They also may be caused when the brain swells or fluid builds up within the skull.

These are the most common symptoms of brain tumors:

• Headaches (usually worse in the morning)

• Nausea or vomiting

• Changes in speech, vision, or hearing

• Problems balancing or walking

• Changes in mood, personality, or ability to concentrate

• Problems with memory

• Muscle jerking or twitching (seizures or convulsions)

• Numbness or tingling in the arms or legs

About two weeks ago I started suffering from sharp, painstaking headaches.  The kind that makes your body tense up and the muscles in your face tighten.  They come often.  Real severe every other day or so.  One minute I'm okay and the next one I'm slumped over in agony.  Mornings surely are hell.  I find myself popping Excedrins like tic tacs as soon as my feet hit my bedroom floor. 

I'm not gonna get into alot of details about symptoms, treatment, etc.  If these things are something you may want to investigate further, be my guess and go to http://www.cancer.gov/cancerinfo/wyntk/brain.    All that **** I have already read and do not wish to continue wasting my time with it right now.  My main concern is how do I want to live out the rest of my days. 

I am trying to be very quiet and analyze these thoughts in secret.  My wife and kids are in the living room.  We rented Shrek 3 and they are waiting on me to join them. (And no, I haven't told her yet. I will at least let this night be the last night of peace for her....for them).

My name is Anthony Holloman.  I just turned 39 last month.  May the 8th. I am still relatively young.  I work out three days a week, so as of now I am in pretty decent shape.  I am a 2nd degree blackbelt, meaning I can stomp the hell out of the average man.  For the most part I have a well disciplined personality. I am not quick to resort to a violent act if trouble arises, but please don't push me. 

I am rich, but not wealthy.  I have lived a comfortable life.  I am the CEO of a small chain of home health care businesses.  I currently own 4 in the surrounding counties, working on opening a fifth.

I have three children.  Two boys and a girl, respectively, ages 16, 13, and 10.   I love them all.  My wife and my kids are everything to me.  Anyone stupid enough to make the mistake of harming them will meet their maker if I get to them.

I come from a big family.  My parents are both still alive.  Divorced, but can tolerate one another. I have three brothers and two sisters.  Two brothers are older and one sister is too.  We all stay within reach of one another, close by.  The farthest out would be give or take four hours away.  (My youngest sister and her husband).

This news comes as a shock to me.  How will everyone take it?  How damaging will it be to my family, friends....affecting them mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically?

How damaging to me? 

I know I will slowly deteriorate as the days pass.  I felt my concentration and focus slipping weeks ago.  I find myself drifting alot.  I think differently.  Feel differently.  Act differently.   

Why, just the other day when I came home after playing hoops my wife asked me had I drank any alcohol.  Stated that my speech was slurred. 

This forced me to go to see Dr. Stone.  Now I wish I had not went.  Stupid, huh?   

What am I left to do?  How will I spend the rest of my days? 

What will I do?

Well, my wife Karen is calling me again.  This day I shall spend it with her, and my children.  Tonight we shall laugh out loud at Eddie Murphy with the kids.  Then I will take her to the bedroom and make passionate love to her and tell her how much I love her.  Tonight I shall be strong.

Because tomorrow is gonna be hell. 

Telling her.  Telling everyone.....

...and figuring out how I am going to live out the rest of my days.