Discussion of "October Chill: The Message (3), You Can Be With Them" by theblackhand

Awesome continuation man. Suspenseful and creepy, and you give the next masher a good amount to work with. Gave you a five.

Thanks cheeseliker.......

You moved the story along very well while maintaining "you can be with them" theme. The chapter is tight and moves quickly, which, for me, is always good. A few things bothered me while I was reading. 1) The consistent use of "he". I know that several of the chapters have changed from 1st person to 3rd and I think one of the storylines has gone from 1st to 3rd and back again...lol. But, when you changed to third person, you missed a perfect opportunity to give the guy a name and therefore, break up so many "he's" at the beginning of a large marjority of the sentences. 2) I make this mistake (all the time) and that is, that there is not enough of what the character is thinking, feeling. I believe your chapter would have been so much better if you had punctuated his thoughts and added to them so that we, the reader's had a better idea of what he was thinking, feeling, etc.
Overall good job...3 points.

good suggestions for all of us to be more aware of!

Well, I did not want to intrude with a name. Actually I had pondered that thought. I just wanted to produce a good chapter. I am a fill in, and since that was the case I held back as to not disappoint. I agree, adding more of what he was feeling would have made it a better chapter, but by bringing the church scenario to the picture made it kind of difficult.
Thanks for commenting....

Glad you filled in! I love the direction you took and I think you did a great job with the church scene.

Thank you honeygloom for the comment......

You did a great job as a fill-in. I can understand how you would want to hold back a little but, next time (and I'm sure there will be a next time) don't hold back...let it all hang out, my friend!!

I thoroughly enjoyed the creepiness of this chapter theblackhand.
I especially liked this line: “…and the looks on their faces said they knew about darkness.”
You did a great job moving the storyline forward!