Discussion of "Lonely Paradise" by the13lakes
justhoff 1 year, 7 months ago
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Norcia 1 year, 7 months ago
Okay, I will get the negative stuff out of the way first. I would suggest that you break up the one big paragraph into two or three smaller paragraphs. I think that would make it easier to take in the whole opening scene, and it gives it better eye appeal (for lack of a better way of putting it). But I think this is a great opening. Makes you want to follow the character on his new journey. Great title and I love how the scene has a moody, almost trance-like feeling about it.
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Squrlbt 1 year, 7 months ago
It reads like a the beginning to something more. Being alone qualifies as 'trouble in paradise'.
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