Discussion of ""She came back and took the kids away"" by thamagnopen

thamagnopen,
(sigh) This was a tough one my friend. Emotionally charged throughout. I felt the flames and the smoke and I panicked too. I kept feeling like there was more that he could have done. Yes, the windows have bars but couldn’t he have smashed the glass of the window closest to him and yelled to the neighbors and firefighters to let them know where he was? Also to get some fresh air in?
I don’t know…easy to say what you think you would do I guess, hard to actually know until you’re in the situation. It was absolutely breathtaking, from start to finish and I was on the edge of my seat.
I loved your imagery and emotion.
I have to comment also on the format because I did find it distracting. Enough to where I almost didn’t continue beyond the second chapter. To clarify though, I’m not talking about the style it was written, I’m referring to font type and bold print. It made it really hard to read certain words. Actually I found the writing style quite unique and fun to read. I voted you a five for creativity and emotion and unique format.

dog, sometimes when your writing a short story you simply don't take the nessasary time to see all the plot lines, and I am guilty of that.

Thanks for your comment, I really appreciate it.

This is a great idea for a story. These kind of fires happen every year in a large city located very close to my home. In my humblest opinion, to make the story stronger, I recommend that you show instead of tell. A reader does not have you to fill in the blanks, so you must paint a picture with words. For example,instead of smoke had blinded our eyes, you may want to describe the imapact the smoke had on your physical body and how the cough sounded, compare what it was like not being able to see to some other situation. I prefer a more descriptive writing style, but I think the story plot is well thought out and lends itself to developing a richer story that shows you and your wife as a couple, story lines for the children, maybe a scene where your wife speaks to you in the final moments of the children's life, etc.

Powerfulpen, Great comment! Thanks, that really helps a guy like me to hone my skills.