Discussion of "One Dark Night" by thamagnopen
honeygloom 5 years, 8 months ago
Umm... paragraphs are the first thing this needs. It's a great idea and you even have good detail, but the structure makes it hard to get into.
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DwayneHoover 5 years, 5 months ago
As I was reading this i hoped that you didn't get the stuff on tape and that something else was on there. so if you don't mind i would like to branch off.
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hebe6405 5 years, 1 month ago
The first sentence is very cluttered and in general, the story needs some proofreading to fix some mistakes. "That" is used a lot throughout this piece - I think if the sentences were rearraged a bit to try and eliminate "that," the flow would pick up.
hidden comment from hebe6405 with score of 2