One evening I was channel surfing; not really paying much attention to what was on because I couldn't stop my mind from racing, thinking over and over about the seven years I had wasted then on to what a fool I had been the past few weeks to grieve over someone I had thought I knew so well but had turned out to be such a complete, malicious stranger.
Finally I just stopped on a channel so I could go to the bathroom and get something cold to drink. When I returned to the television I noticed that the channel I had stopped on was a true crime program. These programs had always interested me so I managed to lose myself in the story for a bit. It was during the program that it finally occurred to me that I couldn't just burst out of the bushes and slash the bimbo from ear to ear. I had to think about what would happen next and I certainly didn't want that "next" to include a lethal injection.
The following day I began the most intense research project of my life. My realization the night before had an amazing calming effect for my mind that had been buzzing almost constantly for weeks. As I drank my morning coffee I started planning how I would get away with murder. My new mantra became "think about it first!". Following that simple logic, I rooted through old boxes of junk that I tend to keep just in case I ever want any of the useless junk again. Finally, a bad pack rat habit was actually going to be a big plus for me. After an hour or so of searching with more than a few pauses for memories of sad, happy, confusing and more than one boring event I finally found my old Halloween costume. A couple of years earlier a friend's party theme was Trick or Treating in the sixties and my costume had included a long broom stick skirt and peasant blouse. Even though this was the part of the costume I had been digging for, I was pleased to remember that it also included a large "hippie" purse, long headscarf and wedge sandals.
Satisfied with my changed appearance which included heavier than usual makeup and a fluffed out hairdo, I headed for the library furthest from my home. Knowing from television that many murders had been solved just by searching the suspect's hard drive, I planned to search all the many subjects I needed to learn about from library computers, signing in under a false name since computer use in our libraries didn't require showing your library card. As I was signing in, it occurred to me that it would also be a good idea to go to a few different libraries, pleased with myself for what I saw as constructive paranoia.
I had done research papers in college so I knew how to look in an organized way and I decided to start slowly so I wouldn't get overwhelmed by information. I spent a good part of that first day looking up true crime stories and how they were solved (or not) based on forensic evidence from the crime scene. The last thing I did before leaving the library was to peruse the card file for titles of books that I thought would help me. I planned to buy them from different bookstores, preferably small ones which tended not to have high quality surveillance cameras, paying cash for the books. I had already decided where I would stash the books so that in the event my house got searched, the books would never be found.
At last, I found peace in my turmoiled mind and discovered my appetite had returned. That night I made myself a real meal then later I went to bed and slept all the way through the night, preparing for the next step in my self education on how to commit the perfect murder.