(The first ten pages of a film script, reformatted from Final Draft)

NARRATOR: This is a story about an ordinary man.

EXT. CITY PARK - DAY

ERNEST, a fit, attractive man in his prime, is enjoying a jog.

NARRATOR: Ernest is a happy man, or rather he was until recently.

Ernest stops in front of a press box to tighten a shoe. The front page headline reads, "More Bad News".

INT. SMALL APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY

Ernest takes a shower, then proudly grooms himself in front of the mirror.

NARRATOR: Like many healthy young men, he was quite popular with women. Perhaps too popular, for you see, Ernest lacked a certain power of the will which is necessary when dealing with the... fairer sex.

INT. SMALL APARTMENT - DAY

Ernest, wearing a suit and tie, opens the apartment door for TIFFANY, a beautiful leggy blond, dressed elegantly for a dinner date.

NARRATOR: Tiffany was, to the extent of our young hero's imagination at the time, the perfect woman.

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Ernest and Tiffany look at menus. Ernest flinches at the high-priced entrees but quickly puts aside his shock. Tiffany does most of the talking and Ernest is mesmerized.  

NARRATOR: She was immaculately sculpted, finely groomed, and she carried herself with a charisma the likes of which he had never known. Truly, he thought, this must be the elusive love about which so much is written.  

INT. SMALL BEDROOM - MORNING

Ernest is lying blissfully in bed, on his back with hands behind his head. Tiffany, in bra and panties, kisses him, then gets up and starts dressing.

NARRATOR: Tiffany was talented. She had a most delicate way of drawing forth from him... a spirit and generosity of which he was formerly unaware.

TIFFANY MONTAGE

The two enjoy box seats at the symphony, skiing at a mountain resort, more expensive dining, and other luxuries. Ernest pays for everything, first with one card, then another, and follows with a dismissive smile. At a jewelry store, Tiffany excitedly dons a gleaming necklace and turns her deadly innocent gaze against Ernest. He immediately smiles, but despite his best effort the smile quickly crumbles.

INT. SMALL APARTMENT - DAY

NARRATOR: As he would soon learn from her, while she came with a certain pedigree, as it were, she did not have a privileged upbringing.

Ernest and Tiffany sit on the couch, hand in hand. She pouts and moves closer, and he melts on contact. He is clearly no match for her wiles.

INT. TIFFANY'S HOME - DAY

NARRATOR: And so, Ernest took it upon himself to provide her with all of the things that he imagined might satisfy her heart's desire and somehow heal the damage that she undoubtedly suffered amidst the arduous trials of her childhood experience.

Tiffany, in a bedroom fit for a princess, admires herself in a vanity mirror. She removes the gleaming necklace and places it in a large jewelry box with other expensive pieces.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Ernest and Tiffany, followed by a grinning landlord, walk excitedly around an empty, spacious, 3 bedroom unit with high ceilings.

NARRATOR: Together they rented these comfortable quarters. His name alone was placed as guarantor on the lease.

INT. LANDLORD'S OFFICE - DAY

Tiffany sits with arms crossed and nods in approval, as Ernest sits across a desk from the landlord, signing documents.

NARRATOR: This was for the best, he reasoned. As a district manager at the purveyor of the world's greatest hamburger, he could afford it, he reasoned.

INT. FURNITURE STORE - DAY

Ernest follows Tiffany through a furniture store as she selects furniture for the apartment.

NARRATOR: After all, they would soon be married.

Tiffany gives a sarcastic smile that says "You go ahead and think that."

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Ernest sits in the now expensively furnished apartment, opening mail, a look of grave concern on his face.

NARRATOR: He would soon discover the precise limits of what he could afford... by exceeding them considerably.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Ernest is sitting at the dining table, bills spread in front of him, giving a heart-felt presentation to a stone-faced Tiffany.

NARRATOR: He was also about to discover the strength and measure of Tiffany's undying love for him.

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

Tiffany, suitcase in hand and hanging clothes over her shoulder, leaves the apartment as a dazed Ernest looks on.

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

NARRATOR: Our young star-crossed lover was most distraught, and he passed many nights in sleepless contemplation of his missteps and of the many ways that he might bring peace and end his suffering.

A worn-down Ernest sits motionless, hunched over the table. His eyes wander the room, coming to rest on a letter opener, then a corkscrew, and finally a pile of rubber bands on an end table. He fixes on the rubber bands and his eyes narrow.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

NARRATOR: But all wounds heal in time, or so they say, and the young man was resilient enough to recover his senses and resume the business of life.
Ernest, holding a personal check, is showing GUY into an empty bedroom. Guy is a little overweight, has long hair and is quite presentable in slacks and buttoned down shirt.

NARRATOR: He would come to share these tenements with Guy, a respectable young body modification expert.

EXT/INT. FUDDRUCKERS - DINING ROOM - DAY

Ernest, dressed professionally, enters a Fuddruckers restaurant.

NARRATOR: Soon enough, love would find him again. Little did he know that when it came, he would be pondering the mysteries of Smokehouse Bacon, and it would be spooning up Snappy Salsa, or that she was the relish that he would come to relish.

Ernest is at the toppings bar, staring at an unadorned bacon cheeseburger. ROSA, a pretty Latina employee, is blindly spooning prodigious amounts of salsa on her own burger while smiling at Ernest.

EXT. CITY PARK - DAY

Ernest and Rosa take a romantic walk in a park, smiling and laughing. Rosa playfully hits Ernest full-force in the chest with both hands. Momentarily shocked, he laughs as they continue hand in hand.

NARRATOR: Rosa seemed to Ernest to be possessed of all the qualities that Tiffany wasn't.

EXT. ROSA'S DOORSTEP - NIGHT

Ernest presents a simple red rose to Rosa, who gleefully accepts and jumps into his arms.

NARRATOR: And she was easily pleased. Freed of the unearthly chore of satisfying so fickle a soul as Tiffany, he was able to begin mending his tattered finances.

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ernest sits in bed, reading a book entitled, "The Buttress of Windsor". Rosa reaches from O.C, shaking him. He looks up, startled, then listens attentively. She gets up from bed and walks out of the room in her pajamas, and he happily returns to his book.

NARRATOR: Yet something in Rosa drew from an undeveloped resource in Ernest, some weak muscle or dormant lobe.  

Rosa pops her head back in and startles him again. He smiles warmly as she chatters excitedly, her eyes darting around the room.

NARRATOR: Still, Ernest knew in his heart of hearts that they were happy and could have a future together.

EXT. ROSA'S BACKYARD - DAY

An uncomfortable Ernest stands between two stern, muscled Latinos at a barbecue. Rosa winks at him from across the yard. He smiles and nervously drinks from a bottle of beer.

NARRATOR: There was even talk of marriage.

INT. NIGHTCLUB DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT

Rosa lets loose with a berserk level of SHOUTING and APPLAUSE. Ernest, absent his usual smile, tilts his head like a dog, watching her.

NARRATOR: But somewhere in the fragment of a dream remembered, or a fleeting glimpse of waking clarity, Ernest found some unaccountable reason for doubt.

 
INT. FUDDRUCKERS - DINING ROOM - DAY

Ernest reclines confidently at a table, smiling at customers, a finished meal in front of him.

NARRATOR: Overall, these were happy times for him. He felt truly fulfilled. Let any man challenge this love I feel, he thought to himself.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Tiffany enters the apartment. She takes a crystal vase full of fresh red roses from an end table and empties it, pouring the water in the sink and tossing the roses on the counter.

NARRATOR: For although we are not yet joined by law, we have undergone a deep and emotional chemical wedding.

INT. FUDDRUCKERS - DINING ROOM - DAY

Ernest has an absent minded look suggesting simpler prose.

NARRATOR: Or something to that effect. Little did he know that as he sat there, marvelling at this, one of life's inevitable crests, that a more tragic chemical wedding was underway.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

As Rosa walks in and sees Tiffany, both women freeze in place.

NARRATOR: It was the emotional equivalent of Angelic and Diabolic Acids.

INT. FUDDRUCKERS - DAY

Rosa storms into Fuddruckers with scratches on her face and flies into a violent frenzy, apparently catching Ernest totally off guard. Not content with physical assault, she involves the contents of the topping bar for good measure. After several passes, Rosa is immobilized with rage, her body trembling, her outstretched hands dripping with salsa and Hoppin Jalapenos. Ernest looks utterly defeated.

NARRATOR: It was a difficult time for our hapless alchemist.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Ernest enters his apartment and sees the signs of a physical struggle, a shattered crystal vase and scattered roses. Guy stands in the open door to his own room, shirtless and looking clueless.

NARRATOR: In the wake of the explosion, he had been unburdened of certain encumbrances. Rosa was dismissed from her position and Ernest was relieved of all but one restaurant. He had felt the corporate wrath for his crime of fraternization. The incident would slow his financial recovery considerably.

Ernest somberly cleans up the physical remnants of both destroyed relationships.

NARRATOR: Despite these setbacks, a certain balance had been restored, an elusive equilibrium reached, if only for a moment. Soon he would feel nature's call... once more... and seek to appease her.

INT. LAUNDRY ROOM - DAY

Ernest, fully healed, slowly folds laundry amidst a row of machines in the basement of the apartment building. He looks up and meets the equally apathetic gaze of CANDY, a remarkably plain woman in unremarkable attire.

NARRATOR: Yet now he seemed at war with her, in a way that he could not yet comprehend.

Ernest and Candy continue to stare blankly at one another.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Ernest and Candy are side by side in Ernest's bed, staring at the ceiling. The bedding is pulled up to chest level and is virtually undisturbed.

NARRATOR: And so he settled... for a temporary truce, until such time as he could better understand his foe.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Ernest and Candy sit side by side on the living room couch, watching Guy play a console game on the wide-screen TV. Guy looks over between levels and casts a perplexed look at the apparently content, motionless pair.

NARRATOR: For now, there was a certain serenity in their simple silent exchanges that defied explanation.

INT. CAFE - DAY

Ernest and Candy sit across from one another in a cafe booth, staring blankly.

NARRATOR: To attempt it would be to corrupt the very essence of the relationship, so simple, so flawless it was. But his battles had injured some crucial faculty that might otherwise have prevented the terrible tragedy that was about to befall them both.

ERNEST: My name is Ernest.

Candy smiles cautiously, revealing terrible teeth.

CANDY: My name is Candy.

A few moments pass as the smiles fade from their faces and they resume the previous dead stare.

NARRATOR: He had quickly learned to read the great depth of those eyes, and now they spoke volumes. What the couple once had shared was spoiled in an instant, a corrupting disease injected into the heart of pure intercourse.

Their eyes slowly go down to their plates and the couple resumes their meal.

NARRATOR: And in that fragile instant it was gone. He had seen the pain in her eyes, and he knew that she saw its reflection. He told himself the feeling had nothing to do with hygiene, and to him it didn't, but he knew she would never believe that.