Discussion of "The Unknown 4: The History" by sumedh007d

This is very well written! There need to be some breaks in Robert's explanation, though, and I'd have added more of Maribel-or-whoever, but those are my only suggestions.

A decent chapter, sumeedh007d, and welcome to storymash. The formatting was a little off, and it seemed like Robert spent a long time explaining the research, but you glossed over the really juicy part a little - the fact that Robert arranged for the murder of his own children to cover up the project.
You also need to work on your grammar and punctuation. There were missing quotations and periods throughout the piece.
Otherwise, good job.

Thnx u. Actually it wud have been better but all i had was 4 hours n thats da best i cud manage in them. n yes... after publishing i read it once n i 2 thot that robert's explaination went on n on :-)

Jus here 2 learn. it cud have been better but i cudnt devote a lot of time on it.

I was pleased to see it pick up where it left off, but that diminished as the first five paragraphs provided more of a summary than further momentum. Like Cheese, you used the location as a rendezvous - reasonable. (I need to drop the observatory/community college thing...)

The warehouse reminds me a little of CONTROL (Get Smart). As does Robert's willingness to explain the whole shebang. I recognize the necessary exposition, but it would've been nice if Maribel prompted the backstory somehow. Initiated it. Though she's the story's lead, it felt like this chapter was mostly contained to providing the aptly titled History.

Good leave for the final confrontation. Curious to see how Maribel "saves" the children, or what "wipe out" they need to be saved from.

I like the SCNT angle; would've liked more of it. I think that's my major bummer: needed more. (3)

These are the notes I took as I read your entry:
I liked the description of the warehouse, how there was no security around and, ‘from the looks of it, none was needed.’
Why did she assume that the last door was his personal office when the name on the door was Richard?
There were some missing or misplaced commas throughout the piece.
The fog of unawareness encapsulating Maribel at the beginning was a bit over the top. You certainly showed that her husband’s reappearance had an effect on her, which was very good. However, it seems a bit strange to me that a woman who has learned to adapt to changing circumstances would have been so completely blown away by something that she wouldn’t even be aware of the departure of the man who had been holding her at gunpoint.
The history lesson was a bit overmuch. It felt like reading a textbook, in honesty, and seemed unnecessary to the story itself. The essential points of it could’ve been condensed into a single paragraph.
Maribel’s conclusion that the kids in town were the failed experiments was a bit of a jump. It’s implied that the experiments took place before Robert’s fake death about ten years ago, so the kids couldn’t be the second graders she’s teaching now, or even the third grader (Jake) who appeared earlier – the ages don’t fit. There also haven’t been any signs of the symptoms Robert mentioned (increased aggression, mental disturbance, and depression) displayed by the kids in the story to justify her making this assumption.
You have some good ideas here. Robert is a solid bad guy, it seems, experimenting on children and gearing up to destroy the failed experiments. It’s a fun idea, with lots of possibilities. It wasn’t very well connected in with the previous chapters, though. How does Lockley fit in? Why was there a death threat on Maribel, and how would Jake have gotten wind of it? What about the other children?
I gave it a 3.0.

i'll try to clear out as much i could.
1.The name on the door was a subtle way of saying that robert wasnt his real name.
2.i am a male, but still if i saw a person whom i had burried 10 years agostanding in front of me i would faint surely. Maribell being attached to him dearly, combined with the fact that she was an FBI agent, would not pass out physically atleast, but would be in a state of complete blackout, as per me. so the 'fog of unawareness'.
3.i agree that the history lesson was a little more, than people looking for entertainment, needed. i would surely work on that.Thanks for that one :-).
4.again tried subtly putting it... there were many such projects going on. many children had already been executed and this lot may not have been the initial one. So the age difference.
5.a 2 year old telling me that i would die seems very disturbed and depressed to me.aggression was one of the symptom but may not be seen in each of the cases.
6.The involvement of US govt. takes care of why lockley was involved as well. failure of the US govt has to be covered up by one of their own.
7.Maribell and FBI is near to uncovering another one of these projects-- hence the death threat.
8. What about the other children???
But thank you very much. i came to know from what point of view i should be writing. And even i would have given it a 3. ;-)

You packed a nice punch into that little chapter:) I was really disturbed at first by Maribel’s total divorce from her training, good thing she recovered. The science of the explanation sounded cool, but went on a little too long. And did Robert kill his own kid? Yikes! I wish you had spent more time on that (and what was done to the kids in our story) and less on the history of radioactive torture. Overall though, nice work, I like the direction, it was just a little out of balance.

Huge issue right away in the line “Are our kids too…” In the chapters so far, we have learned about her pain at losing her daughter and her husband. We’ve learned the name of her daughter and her husband. While it is possible for her to have a child that she doesn’t care enough to think about, grieve for, and name within the first three chapters, it is highly unlikely.

I had a hard time believing that a trained agent would go into such an oblivion that she didn’t realize she’d left the mayor, climbed into Robert’s car and was driving down the road with him. Granted, it was an incredibly shocking revelation, but still…
The background of the research was interesting, but almost too technical. I had trouble with the time line halfway through. “Soon the experiment grew in magnitude. The whole project was deemed a great success… until…”
“Until?” this didn’t sound good to me.
“Well… in the next 9 weeks 17 specimens expired due to unknown reasons…” The date right before is 1992. Is this failure in ’92 as well?
Fascinating angle, but it was a little short – I would have liked to see more about how Jake’s threat applies to her – not just the kids.
Welcome, and I hope to see more from you.

Thanks for your comments. even am not sure why i put in an extra neglected child ;-). Actually it was done in very little time thats why these little important details were missed.
The failures and success continued with more failure.i tried to imply with the time line that this wasnt the first lot of kids being executed. this was done to show how sometimes science goes out of balance and something meant to save people starts killing them.
And the "was a little short" comment was a complement. everyone else said it went on and on. ;-)