Discussion of "The Family Outing (Erotica)" by srvixen

The story was good, the erotic part was well written, but through the whole story it felt a bit piecy and hastly put together. The beginning was great, great job at setting the scene and inviting the reader into Chloe's feelings and thoughts. But once Chris showed up it was rushed and confusing. There was several grammer errors that made me take notice. "Nothing thinking anything about his words,..." I'm sure you meant 'not thinking'. Anyway with a little proof reading and revision, I'd think it was great all in all.

Thank you for the comment. To be honest, this came to me as a dream Sunday night after my family and I did get back from a huge family get together and for some reason it was the inspiration I needed to write something. I am sure once I get the full thoughts out, in piecy chapters, I will go back over it all and fine tune it. The best part about posting it as it comes to me, is that I get the helpful comments like yours. Thank you! =D

Your story definitely has its good moments. In dialog, sometimes the dilema of how someone said something - (she said, excitedly.)becomes a chore that can distract a reader from the point. "..she stammered out.." In speaking you probably wouldn't think to say "dancing" eyes, or how does fear dance in one's spine? The story and erotic potential is very cool, but I would try keeping the wording more like we normally speak (conversational.)

Thank you for your comment! Yes, I do find it hard to be conversational at times when it comes to stories, I think that is why most of mine don't really have much dialogue between characters and things. I do appreciate the helpful pointers, I will be sure to keep those in mind as future stories or chapters come to me. =D

There's nothing better than a healthy difference of opinion among editorial friends. Please keep the metaphors just the way they are. Your metaphors are not being used in dialogue, they are cleverly offered up to the reader in order to explain in a few words just what the situation means to the writer. Vix, your word usage is what sets you apart from all the other Erotica-hacks that come and go (no pun intended)on this site. Keep the metaphors coming, kiddo. The dancing of the spine was perfect!

=D Thank you Al! Your words have put a smile on my face. I want to try to please everyone, in time I will pretty this story series up, but right now they are coming out as I see them in my mind's eye. I have always written the way that came natural to me, and to be appreciated for what I have created the first time around always means the most to me. Although I do enjoy some constructive criticism from time to time. Thank you for the reply!

I liked this one, a lot, Vix! I agree with alharris in that the metaphors were cleverly worded to "show" what was going on. I'm off to read chapter two...;o)