The story so far:
Being a man makes one blind to part of existence. You only see things from what is called a practical point of view. I suppose the same would be true if I were a woman. Although it would be the emotional side that I would have privy. Imagine, if you’ll humor me, what it would be like to be complete or whole. Image thinking and feeling and living either like a man or woman. That is how I think God is. He/She is not a man nor a woman but a true asexual divinity. He/She is practical yet emotional, otherwise why create us? Not as pets, dogs or cats would fit that bill. Not as children. He/She has the angels for that.
No, It created us in order to understand itself. Simple. So It broke Its essence in half and create man and woman, thus creating souls. It watched as humanity struggled to find their place in the scheme of creation. He/She watched us constantly seeking to become one again forever only to fail over and over again. We would climax and thus be allowed to feel for a brief moment the completion of union. But the climax dies with a sudden shudder and gasp and we realized that we failed once again to join. And the punishment of that failure was the continuous splitting of the divine soul. Thus for that moment we are allowed to be Godlike and create something from our union.
Imagine what it would feel like to be in a perpetual state of climax? Where two sundered soul shards form a whole. Where we can see existence like God? Now imagine realizing that you are only feeling a smidgeon of what God feels or has felt because your union only joined two souls. Multiply that feeling by about 5 billion times and then you might be able to understand God. If this happens God would finally understand itself.
Interesting idea no? I think so.
For fifteen days now I have struggle with the idea that I probably will not have the opportunity to become part of that understanding. That my soul will have to leave its present living quarters. But where to? Purgatory? Don’t believe in that. Religion made that up as it did the concepts of heaven and hell. So where will it go? I believe it joins what is left of God. It takes all the knowledge, pain, sins, and doubts back to God. It downloads itself into God’s conscious to be processed and then it is re-assimilated. There it stays until it is needed again. Until another human couple fails in its fruitless quest to unite forever and fissions off another piece of God’s soul.
What makes my philosophizing even more interesting in facing my eventual death by brain tumor, is the fact that I am beginning to see the tumor in a way I imagine my wife saw our children when she was carrying them. It is my baby. It is something very much alive being fed through arteries and veins. Nurtured by my blood that is pumped to feed it by my heart. It is feed, it grows, it pulses, and it pushes and kicks around in my cranium. It gives me moments of great pain and displeasure and some moments of sheer bliss. It thrusts itself against its prison pushing everything out of its way. Its parasitic nature saps my energy, my memories, my nutrients, and, more importantly my life. It is crude, not realizing that in the end it is causing irreparable damage to me to the point I will die. And when I die, so it will as well. Because, unlike a fetus, this tumor will not have an escape. It will not be born. I will not have contractions and push it out of my head to pop out from my ears or nose, or eyes or any other orifice so it may live. No. It will stay in me only to die when my brain can no longer command my heart to pump the precious blood it needs to live. And then I will have my sweet revenge. Because my soul will join God and know union and wholeness again, but it will never have that as it is soulless.
I sit in my easy chair watching Karen fret over the children as I smile from this final thought. She catches my smile. I can see her returned smile the toll that my condition has taken on her. She makes me proud. They all do. They know what is going to happen to me and they are scared. Scared to have to live a life without me. Scared because they don’t know what that means to them. But they don’t show it. They try to make my last days easy. As I have tried to make their lives without me easier as well. They will not need money. I took care of that. My business has been sold to larger chain which netted enough money to create trust funds for each of them so they can live off the interest for the rest of their lives. Karen will have all the property and not have to worry too much about inheritance taxes. My lawyers and accountants covered that for me as well. That is the man side of me of course.
But since thinking of this tumor as a child growing in me, I have began to see things a little differently now.
I wipe a tear away from my cheek as I look upon Karen and my children. I realize… no, not realize, but feel the love that we have for each other. The love joins us. Unites us. Makes us more whole than God will ever hope to accomplish with his little human lab rats experiment. My family walks around. My wife – the half of my soul that make me complete – she is taking charge becoming more practical. She is taking on my role and my way of thinking. She is becoming whole. My children, who haven’t yet had a chance to find their missing soul half, have also changed. The love that runs through each of us like the strands of a spider web, connects us and somehow we share more than we have with each other. We are a unit.
I know how it is to be God. And it is Love.