‘Born in darkness” It’s a phrase that will occur to him much in later life, but why shouldn’t it?  That’s how it all began.  Shortly after nightfall had taken the world, in a small midwestern town like so many others, there was a rush to the hospital.

    Sweat stood out on her brow as she bit down and tried not to cry out as another wave of pain washed over her.

    “That’s good.  You’re doing fine.”  The doctor comforted.
    She knew this to be ****.  The baby was early.  The pain was incredible.  Something wasn’t right of that she was sure.  Early babies were prone to so many problems, and as she lay there in the hospital bed feeling the gradual relief of the contraction lessening she began to blame herself for everything that ‘could’ be wrong with the baby.  Her rational mind tried to scold her.  There’s nothing wrong.  The doctor has told you that premature babies happen all the time and most turn out fine.  But that part of her mind couldn’t overshadow the part that cried out that it was somehow her fault.

    “Ok, the next contraction is starting now push.”  The doctor’s voice came to her, but it seemed distant and tinny.  She felt the next wave of pain begin building in her abdomen.  She clenched her teeth breathing rapidly as the pain increased.  She had known pain in her life.  More than her share that was for sure.  Nothing, however, had prepared her for what she was feeling now.  In spite of everything she knew she should be feeling, she silently, in the very back of her mind, in that little primal part of the brain that could not be rationalized with, she blamed the baby for the pain.  She’d never admit it but at that moment she hated the little parasite that was in her womb.  It screamed to be rid of it.  Lord knows she’d considered it, when she first found she was pregnant.

    “I’m pregnant.”  She tried to hold her face expressionless, and watched his eyes carefully.  They’d been married for almost a year now, but she still had a hard time reading the thoughts that flashed in his eyes, but she was determined to wait for his reaction before she let out any of her own feelings.
    He had that deer in headlights look when he looked up from the book he was reading.  There was fear and surprise in those eyes, she would swear to it.
    “That’s….  are you sure?” he shook his head.  Of course she was  sure.  She wouldn’t have said anything otherwise.  “That’s… that’s great.” He flashed her a smile that felt totally foreign to his face.  The relief that flooded into hers gave him new confidence.  He stood enveloping her in his arms.  “This is wonderful.  We’re going to have a baby.”
    “Yes”  Her voice was small and sounded very weak as she snuggled into his chest with her face.  The tears began to well up in her eyes.  She wasn’t sure if they were tears of relief, happiness, or sadness, perhaps even fear.
    He soothingly stroked her hair and fell into a contemplative silence.  His thoughts raced, millions of issues that he’d only moments ago not known existed reared up in his mind.  Was he ready for this?  Was she?  They were, after all so young.  They’d been married almost a year but still he was only 19 and she a very youthful 16, though at times he felt she was so much older.   His parents hadn’t been pleased when they married.  He was sure everyone had thought she was pregnant to marry at such a young age.  Now she really was, but wasn’t that the way things were supposed to work?  You get married, then down the road you popped out a few kids.  He’d just always imagined that road being a lot longer.
    “Will you be able to come back when the baby is born?”  She pulled her now tear soaked face from his chest to look in his eyes.  She didn’t want to do this alone but she knew he was shipping out again at the end of the week.  He’d joined the navy just after they got married and was gone for months at a time.
    “I don’t know…” He saw the look of fear in her eyes and instantly regretted what he’d started to say.  “Yes, I’m sure they’ll give me leave for something as important as the birth of a child.”  He smiled again feeling how foreign it felt to his face.

    He wasn’t here.  And at this moment, for that she hated him.  Her sister stood by the bed holding her hand and encouraging her with words she didn’t hear and would not have believed if she had been listening.  Debby was after all only a year older at 18 and had never experienced birth.  She was however, the only family she was willing to allow in the room with her.  She imagined for a moment her father pacing in the hospital lounge and her stepmother knitting silently in one of the faded green chairs.  She knew she had offended them by not allowing either to come in to the delivery room with her.  Her father’s cross face had showed it all, when she’d singled out Debby to come in the room with her.
    “Daddy’s mad…” She clinched her teeth as the next contraction washed over her in a blinding wave of pain.
    “**** daddy.” Debby said.  She squeezed back the hand that seemed to be crushing her own.  “You just keep your mind on the business of having this baby.”
    She nearly screamed aloud as she felt what must be her entire lower half ripping apart.  Then it once again began to recede.  She sucked in air and tried to catch her breath.  She looked squarely into her half sister’s face as if seeing her for the first time.  “I don’t want it.”
    “You hush now,” Debby scolded lightly.  “This will be over soon, and you’ll have a beautiful little baby…”
    “I don’t want it!”  She screamed into her half sister’s face.
    The doctor looked up concerned, but this wasn’t his issue to deal with.  The baby was coming and that’s what he needed to deal with.  He knew that sometimes mother’s didn’t feel the maternal urges kick in for some time after the birth of a child.  Sometimes it took weeks before they really began to accept the maternal bond with their child.  He wasn’t a shrink and had no intention of acting like one but he did need to keep this woman on track with the events that were now in play.  "Just breath like I showed you." The doctor demonstrated for her, sucking in a deep breath then slowly letting it out in short burst through his teeth.
    "**** you!"  
    He'd been yelled at before and wasn't going to be rattled by her sudden belligerence. "You're doing good now." He ducked his head back down.
    Debby was doing her best not to get derailed by her sister's current mental state.  She knew enough to know this was a hard and painful time for her and wasn't going to get upset at being yelled at.  She suddenly wished her mom were the one in here.  She'd know how to respond, she'd know how to soothe her.