Discussion of "The Unknown 5: Vengeance" by shadinah

I'm considering continuing on your story, but I had to ask you something. I've been reading the chapters following your original, and I was just wondering what direction you were planning on taking it. Are you happy with where it's going?

I'm quite happy with where it's gone. I didn't have too much of a plan for this story, though you can see the direction I had started in my version of Chapter 2. I just didn't have the time or energy to continue. There were a couple other chapters that made for interesting angles - check out Wandering_Rian's chapter 2 and dogdiety11's chapter 3 - horror show... Pretty much anything rated over 3.7 is a good read.
Anyway, I think my only issue with where it's gone is that there were some really challenging loose ends to tie up in this chapter.

I can understand that. I was writing my version of chapter five, and didn't realize that it was the final chapter. I had to revise it to make it more conclusive, to the best of my ability anyway. I'm a little late in the game, but congrats on your win. It obviously set up quite the story to adapt upon.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Aggeloi, for all your help editing!

Fantastically written! Mechanically perfect (at least to my not so well trained eyes). Beautifully done narratives and dialogue. I had some problems with the plotting. How would Robert know that the FBI had been experimenting with tonal hypnotics and what their effects were? The whole concept of this, in several places through the chapter, were confusing to me.
I have a hard time believing that a woman, at anything less than 6'2", 200 lbs, could throw a right hook hard enough to knock a man down and, for all practical purposes...out. Women simply don't have the bone structure or muscle mass to bring power in that kind of a strike. We don't see Robert again until he is "running toward the door after the kids" and then he disappears again until the very end in the helicopter with Amy on his lap. How did he get Amy? How did he survive the another bi-plane attack? And Maribel never wondered where he was? The introduction of Dr. Johnson was, for me, a little too convenient, contrived.
Your writing was spectacular, as always, but I feel, in this case, the content fell a little short of your usual thrilling work. The spectacular writing kept my vote for this chapter high at 4.0.

Great ending to your great beginning! Always fun to read your work. Keep it up!

Great work - I love the twist of the kids having no conscience, and the idea that Maribel is willing to ignore reason for the hope of getting her daughter back. Well done! I give it 4.5 stars.

This was very well written, and it's interesting to read the original author's conclusion. I did have some problems with the plotting, even though most of the writing was mechanically flawless, except for this line, "This had to the lesser of two evils." That could easily slip through during a proofread though. I did make the same observation about Maribel's prowess as a fighter. I used to take Jujitsu, and I've witnessed first hand that their punches don't tend to do a lot of damage. For that very reason I found the fight with Pete much more convincing because she was stomping his feet, and kicking shins, etc. A lot of women, even men for that matter, learn to drop a guy simply by striking the groin. Brute power saps valuable energy, and often times leads to an unnecessary tug of war. As a trained FBI agent she would have learned more effective tactics. Apart from that I was also confused by the ringing phone ploy. I felt like I needed to be informed about whether or not she was having hallucinations, or the kids were disappearing; it confused me. And Robert did seem to pull a nifty disappearing act, and extracted one of the children no less, and made it to the helicopter first; that's talent. The fast paced writing did pull me in though. Overall I liked it, well done.
B.

Okay, everyone, the punch was my bad. Because Shadinah hasn't had as much experience writing action sequences as I have, she asked me to be her 'action advisor' for this piece, and I was the one who suggested the 'right hook' line. My apologies, Shadinah!

LMAO...how cool is that!!! Ya, gotta love it!! Ah, the irony. Especially neat that you stood up for her, now!

lol - Thanks Darlin'... Actually, I was going to have her knock him out with the butt of the gun, which would have probably been more effective. I really should have gone that angle. And Robert had been running after Jake and Amy, who had been running to the trees before Ms. B got pulled into the cafeteria. With Jake's little speech, I had hoped to clarify that Robert had caught up and talked to them. And as for the disappearing kids, I was trying to re-create the phone call she had made in chapter 2, where the kids first started their disappearing act - that was a hard thread to tie up!
Oh well - I made the mistake of reading the other chapters as they were submitted, so kept re-writing my story, because I kept seeing my ideas popping up. I finally gave up and just let it go, as many entries have the same feel. I guess it was an obvious direction.

My miscellaneous observations:

There's sometimes a line or action that a character does in a story that seems less a natural reaction and more an effort to move the story in a particular direction. When Robert tackles Maribel, she's understandably confused. But rejecting Robert's explanation out of hand and knocking him out made no sense at all. Last chapter she resolved to trust Robert after he tells her (apparently) everything. His warning makes sense, especially in light of Pete high-tailing it out of there the minute he had the opportunity. Pete didn't stick around to tell whomever was on the phone that "Maribel isn't available right now, but if you'd like to leave a message, I'd be happy to have her return your call just as soon as she can." No, Pete ran. Yet Maribel turns on Robert, even when presented with a really good reason not to - the hypnotic tones. I didn't buy it. (I'll admit it's weird chastising you on the behavior of a character you invented, but why would that stop me?)

The hallucination/hypnotism thing confused the hell out of me, even after reading it several times. So Pete did partially hypnotize Maribel which apparently had two entirely unrelated effects: making her more docile, and screwing around with her perception of movement. But the blood, tears and brown paper bags were real? It was a really creepy scene, but this was the last chapter and I still don't understand. No wait, now I do. When she called Chomsky in chapter 2, she was hypnotized also. That's why she saw the kids flickering! Yes, I got it! Hmmm. Still think you could have laid it out better in the story, it's kind of a major plot point isn't it?

But I loved the story. Way to bring back the absurd killer bi-planes! The action, mayhem, confusion was very well-written. The ending made sense, if not the most exciting. I thought Jake had taken Maribel's gun, but I guess Lucy had it? No matter. The last line gave me chills. Great entry! 3.8

Okay, the formatting on the last comment got screwed up somehow. Same words in more paragraphs:

There's sometimes a line or action that a character does in a story that seems less a natural reaction and more an effort to move the story in a particular direction. When Robert tackles Maribel, she's understandably confused. But rejecting Robert's explanation out of hand and knocking him out made no sense at all. Last chapter she resolved to trust Robert after he tells her (apparently) everything. His warning makes sense, especially in light of Pete high-tailing it out of there the minute he had the opportunity. Pete didn't stick around to tell whomever was on the phone that "Maribel isn't available right now, but if you'd like to leave a message, I'd be happy to have her return your call just as soon as she can." No, Pete ran. Yet Maribel turns on Robert, even when presented with a really good reason not to - the hypnotic tones. I didn't buy it. (I'll admit it's weird chastising you on the behavior of a character you invented, but why would that stop me?)

The hallucination/hypnotism thing confused the hell out of me, even after reading it several times. So Pete did partially hypnotize Maribel which apparently had two entirely unrelated effects: making her more docile, and screwing around with her perception of movement. But the blood, tears and brown paper bags were real? It was a really creepy scene, but this was the last chapter and I still don't understand. No wait, now I do. When she called Chomsky in chapter 2, she was hypnotized also. That's why she saw the kids flickering! Yes, I got it! Hmmm. Still think you could have laid it out better in the story, it's kind of a major plot point isn't it?

But I loved the story. Way to bring back the absurd killer bi-planes! The action, mayhem, confusion was very well-written. The ending made sense, if not the most exciting. I thought Jake had taken Maribel's gun, but I guess Lucy had it? No matter. The last line gave me chills. Great entry! 3.8

I give up.

You have a great, engaging writing voice. Very easy to read.

I have to say that I'm disappointed that Maribel fell for the whole "the phone is for you" trick that Pete pulled on her.

However, I'm loving Pete's dialogue and character. Great job.

You started losing me during Maribel's conversation with Jake and Amy...and then when Lucy came up all creepy-like, I was snapped right back into the chapter!

The whole phone tones thing seemed out of place. It kept coming up throughout the chapter, and I just didn't feel that it was necessary.

The couple of paragraphs that started "One angry cry piled..." are fantastic.

The whole introduction of Dr. David Johnson and his story seemed a little abrupt, seeing as how the entire story is almost over. This kind of character would be better introduced earlier in the story.

Lucy pulling a gun on Maribel seemed comical to me instead of creepy, and I don't know why. Sorry I can't be more helpful on that note.

While I loved the beginning, I have to say that I felt indifferent about the ending.

Overall, good job!!

I like that in the beginning it seems like Robert and Pete are really neither good nor bad, they just believe in something different. You made this chapter totally about Maribel which was great. It was her decision to go with the Society and be with Robert an it made perfect sense. She missed him, longed for a family, and had started to feel a connection with the town. She wanted to settle down in a sense. The whole hallucination thing was a little confusing. But over all really great job:)