Discussion of "TSNK 10: Love Conquers All" by shadinah

Great writing! I love the part with Franco mentally meeting Adara, and the whole 'child with the Gift who can destroy evil' is very good, explaining why Jimmy is after Adara. I believe - and I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure - that it's expected for chapter 10 to actually wrap up the entire story, so you may wish to make it longer and finish it off. (Also, props for the neat dispatching of Charlie!)

Thanks! I have much more to go, but it was midnight, and had to get up at 5 to work... :S I haven't really written much since high school, so this has sure been a blast!

Well done, girl! Same props as before, plus kudos for the mental scenes. I especially liked how Franco and Paige were able to help Adara from the outside. Great work!!!

(Oh, and I forgot to mention how I LOVE the way Methra sacrifices herself so they can put the kibosh on Jimmy - MARVELOUS!)

Well, I would hope she knew I was a girl, since she's my sister! lol. And yes, the first comment I made was on her work, because she introduced me to the site. I suppose I should be flattered at your insinuation, as I think she's an awesome writer, and I haven't written in about a decade. Oh well.

Hmm… you must be my doppelganger. Or I’m yours, either way… the resemblance doesn’t go much past the name. For an unknown on the site you’ve certainly established yourself as a prickly entity. Welcome all the same;)

LOL - that's so funny! Yes, Shadinah is my sister :) I made her come on the site so she could see my work, and I'm thrilled that she wound up getting into it, too.

What the hell? I'm doing double takes all over the place here...So Agg and Shad are sisters (or seesters-lol) and HONEYGIOOM is an SM detective who doesn't buy it yet has signed up with what is essentially the original (and never duplicated) Honey's handle? hmm, ok. I'm not sure if I should chuckle or what.
Or what, is my guess.

On another note, I'm online again! The hurricane ripped out some serious internet cables I guess, because as of 1 o'clock this afternoon, I was still checking email on the cell phone. So, now I've read all the submisions thus far, and I'll have time tomorrow to post a few comments and hopefully have something worked up for my own chapter 10. Good to see new faces around here, tho...Foo

I don't think the story could end any other way for the fight of good and evil must go on. Good job. Good luck.

thanks - and it was great to see a comment that was a: about the chapter, and b: a positive comment that didn't come from someone expecting a christmas present from me this year... ;)

Seriously, I would love to get more feedback in areas to work on, since I seem to have been bit by the writer bug, and have all sorts of chapter ideas in my head. Can't wait to see other entries and which way this story will wind up going.

I like your chapter-the direction and clarity. You make it easy to understand the motives behind the characters and their actions in this chapter. Great job, and welcome! foo

Great work! Your chapter is vibrant and has a nice feminine quality. I like the team effort attack on Jimmy. I also like the double reality thing going on toward the end. I don't know why, but this line is really sexy: "The figure exploded into a massive fireball that lit up the second reality."...Love it.

lol - I don't know that sexy was the direction I was going with it, but glad you liked it. :)

Nice job shadinah! I wish I had time to make more substantive comments, but you've provided a plausible conclusion to this crazy story. I was a little underwhelmed with Jimmy's death my misadventure, but you read my story so I'm not sure I did much better. :) Good luck in the contest.

...sexy in the sense that it sounds really cool, at least to me...

I'm brand-new here and I've read this story with the intention of writing an ending version, myself. I just can't do any better than this, so I thought I'd say so, vote for you, and try my hand in the next round.

Great writing - Keep up the good work!

Well, obviously, time will tell. What I would like to know is - WHY ARE YOU TARGETING ME??? *So* sorry if I did something to offend you!

And maybe if you submitted your own chapters and didn't try to mimick other people's handles, your account wouldn't disappear.

Who the hell is this? Are you just bored? Get your own identity on SM and stop hiding your lame comments behind someone else's name. Ummm, and what is the truth? That you attempt to snake someone else's handle and comment rudely to our peers pretending to be us, yet you submit nothing of your own to be critiqued? Yep, that about sums it up. Try again. And again if you like. If you're looking for some verbal action-well, we have better things to do here.
FOO (watermarked, 100%, and Certified.)

fyi-in case you wander in and see the ranting comment of mine above--note the hidden comment from imposter crystaIfoo. This comment was directed toward that spaz, not the writer of this chapter. But now that the comment is gone and the account closed (nice) it looks like I've gone off my rocker..lol.

lol - rock on, foo!

Hi...not sure if I've read any of your works before....but I enjoyed this one. You managed to neatly wrap up the motives of all of the characters introduced in the storyline. Nice work.

I liked how you tied in the dream from chapter one...gave some meaning to why Adara was having them in the first place.

My only contention is that this seems so final without any basis in Adara's real, waking life. Where does she go from here? Will knowing what she does now enable her to move on with the reality of what she dreams? How does she conquer them? Use them to help others? Who is left for her to fight? I guess I feel like there's nothing more for her to do now?

Thanks for contributing! All in all, I believe your ending is the one the mashers will choose because it's the way they see the storyline evolving. And isn't that the whole point of this contest? :) Good job!

Great story!

Since I'm a judge, I feel the need to post an extensive comment relating to the story. Sorry if this seems very long and drawn out!

Here we go:

First point I have, which happens to be my only complaint of the whole story, is the inconsistent italics use. It seems it starts out as just the dialogue but then envelops the whole scene.

That being said, here are my positives: great job incorporating the musical theme from last chapter. I love the imagery in the paragraph about Charlie. The realization that he had never been in control--AMAZING!

Methra's explanation to Paige about good and evil was exquisite. "Another reality...just behind the skin..." marvelous! And Paige willingly joining the fight...stupendous!

I love the lines you use, especially the one about laying one's life down for a friend! And having Methra sacrifice herself so they could find and fight Jimmy...just outstanding!

Once again, things like "black halo" and "Silent once more" these are indications of brilliant writing.

"Only the beginning..."? Is TNSK going to become a series now?? HA...with writers like you and all the other talented winners of this competition...I definitely think it could work.

Overall, a fantastic piece of writing- all ends wrapped up neatly with a beautiful, albeit bloodstained bow!

5

Welcome!

EA

wow - thank you SO much for the encouragement. In regards to the italics, I was trying to portray what was going on in the mind as well as conversations in the mind, but I imagine it was a bit confusing. But hey, I'll blame that on my rusty skills... :P
Thanks again!

Think you did a nice job of tying up a LOT of loose ends, while still keeping the suspense going. And I personally am all for endings that don't tie EVERYTHING up, so I like how it ends a lot. Good work.

Hmmm… not really an ending, but not much on SM ever ends;) I’m not really into all the lovey-dovey stuff, I think it tends to ring melodramatic. However, I think you did a really good job with it and in the end stripped the story down to its simplest theme: good vs. evil. Whatever Jimmy’s motives were, however he found Adara in this chapter none of that matters as much as good triumphing over evil. It’s an interesting take on a pretty plot driven story and in the end the core, the family, is what survives. And the family has been a predominant theme throughout so, mushiness aside, I liked this and I think you did a great job.

While the exchange between Franco and Adara answers a lot of questions for us, I couldn't help but feel that the dialogue was a little...off. Maybe just a little bit false--almost cheesy.

The paragraphs we spend with Jimmy and Charlie are INTENSE! Great job here building tension. I love how we get to see these two villains' obsession with power.

I understand why Methra's recap to Paige was necessary--but I don't feel that it was necessary for the reader to be given a recap. In this sort of instance, I would summarize their conversation, not actually show it.

I'm not all that crazy about making Paige out to be the "hero" of sorts, who has to fight the bad guy. This just seems a little too predictable.

I would have liked for Franco to be more of a badass. He seemed a little like a softy in this one--kind of hippie-ish (and nothing against hippies--I'm one myself--but I just don't see Franco with this persona in the other chapters).

I liked the duel to the death between Adara and Jimmy--it was cool to see a big fight...although I was a little confused about Jimmy speaking to Adara...he is Silent Jimmy.

Great job pulling together all of the previous chapters. This was a tough round, and you did well!

Thank you for the great critiques! While I appreciate all the positive comments, I know I have areas to improve upon. So it was good to finally see some comments on what needed work!
Persephonie - (I meant to reply earlier when I saw your comment, but it's been crazy around here...) Thanks for the feedback. I had kinda hoped you would write a chapter as well, since you started this grand adventure, and I was interested to see how you would finish it! In answer to the contention of the finality of it all, well.... I just figured that Jimmy couldn't have been the only evil gifted person out there, and I suppose thought others would draw the same conclusion. Or maybe it was 2 in the morning, and I was too tired to think straight, and should have waited and edited better before I posted it! lol And thanks for the encouraging comments - I honestly didn't think I had a chance after reading a few of the other chapters!
Honeygloom - no, I couldn't END it. Call me chicken, but I just felt there's a lot more to be told... Eventually. But it does end this part of the adventure. :) I appreciate the input.
Katrina - thank you most of all for the very honest feedback. I do agree with the cheesy dialogue. I haven't written since high school, and am really more of a reader than a writer. This being said, after reading the first nine chapters of this story, I just couldn't wait to see how it ended, and had to make something up myself! :P So, I was sitting there trying to answer all the questions, and knew at the same time that there was too much explaining being spelled out. Oh well. Yes, I was too predictable. I debated on killing Paige, but wound up killing Methra instead. With Franco, well... Iwas sitting there with nine internet tabs open so I could flip through the chapters and try to keep it true to the story. I didn't see Franco as a badass, to be honest. (In fact, had been kinda disappointed to find out he was the Guardian! Made some hard explaining...) I should have bumped the action up a bit.
The only thing I will defend is my choice to make Silent Jimmy speak in the mental battle. See, I envisioned him as silent in the physical realm, but eager to speak his mind in the visions.
Thanks so much for your feedback, and best of luck in the judging.

Touche--I hear ya re: having Jimmy speak in the mental battle. That makes sense :)

Happy writing!

I would have added an ending here, except for the fact that I have my own 9 continuing chapters to post....and this storyline was really far off from where I personally intended it to go! LOL But that's the fun of collaboration....getting to see where others take your story.