All Comments by shadinah

Sooooo... I really did not anticipate this project stretching into fall. I am so sorry to do this, but I am coaching/coordinating the kids' quiz teams, and dealing with all the other fun school stuff/extra activities. Plus, looking ahead to a hectic holiday season, something's gotta give, and sadly, this is it. I really enjoyed being part of this project, and wish the rest of you the best of luck in finishing.

wow - getting weirder and weirder! I am curious - I got the impression that Ron wasn't aware of the situation Addie suspected in the last chapter. I'm assuming she told him her suspicions in the intro to this chapter, but all he does is tell her she's crazy? If he had been in on whatever transpired to acquire Joey way back then, would he not have thought of that as well? And if not, wouldn't he have been more shocked at the news of the origins of his child?

eh, who knows - that little pondering aside, this chapter was a fabulous addition.

Good stuff! I am so excited to see this storyline continued.

goodness - this could totally be my husband and I in 20 years or so...

Wow. I must say, I was startled by the shift of genre, but you managed to do it rather well. It was certainly unexpected. The imagery was wonderful, both the description of Joey's fit (very realistic, might I add), to the transitioning between... realities? time/space continuum? Whatever it was, it was good. I think I am now even more interested to see where this story goes!

I meant to comment on this while in draft form - completely slipped my mind... No worries, though, because it is quite good. I especially like the line "I don’t know what bothered me more, the taste I couldn’t get out of my mouth or that there was an air of triumph in the way that droplet slid across the slightly yellowed surface before splattering the tablecloth." Good job!

wow... This is certainly a challenging story, and you did a good job. I do have a gripe, though - in the last chapter, I tried to make it clear that the "Billy" Johnny Ray was playing with was just a doll like "Mommy", and here you have him the antagonist again, and quite violent to actual people. It was a little disappointing, because I had tried to set him up as a possible victim as well, and hinted at his grandparents being possible villains. Mommy's voice changed in this chapter, as well.

A few technical gripes - the biggest being the line "She chilly shiver raced down her spine at the thought."

On its own, I would say this chapter was fairly intense, and the descriptions were quite chilling!

This guy is such a hoot. Makes you wonder how he can survive on his own if he has trouble heating up a can of soup... Definitely needs to find a good woman. Or a good crockpot...

Nice work.

Great addition! I was surprised to learn he works at home on the internet. Nothing against that as a profession, mind you... But it didn't fit with the description of his risk-avoiding family or the fact that he leaves his house all day as stated in the first chapter.
Loved the line about the milk only being used as a moisturizer for grape nuts. As well as the whole distracted food dilemma.

Awesome! This had me laughing. I can't believe no one has commented on the hilarity of the vulgar pea soup. We never had pea soup while growing up, but not for that reason... lol And the chopping of the cylindrical soup into more managable pieces... Brilliant.

What a hoot! This was so fun to read. I do think it needs to be published. Reader's Digest, perhaps?

Okay, revised version done! Thanks, Nash, for the constructive criticism. I hope this made things a little clearer. And our protagonist finally has a name... ;)

I will be revising this, hopefully will have it done by tonight, but no promises. Sorry.

Okay, since you asked for it...
"Hell, I havn’t cried since Michael was three..." (typo haven't - surprised spell check didn't catch that one)

The sentance "That and having your son taken from you in the middle of a soccer game that you wanted nothing to do with in the first place and only did so the wife would quit nagging about quality time and missing my son growing up and…" doesn't sit right with me. I understand its a purposeful run-on, and really don't know how you might reword it. Well, maybe use sentance fragments? Though I just got blasted for doing that, so maybe that's not the best choice... (yes, take all my advice with a grain of salt, because I like the way you wrote your chapter a lot better than how I wrote mine! lol)

The line "I don’t bother to wipe the tears away. Instead, I speed up, the Volvo still in sight, though now pretty far away." could be reworded slightly so away is not repeated. "...though further ahead." would probably do.

Curious - he sees the big bold letters of his wife's latest text but ignores it. Does that mean he didn't read it? It was unimportant?

The line "The van bumps up..." didn't sound quite right either - "The van hits a bump..." might have a better ring to it.

I don't recall all the detailed grammar rules - that's my sister's forte - but I find that when something is off, it tends to catch my eye while I'm reading.

All that being said, I love what you did to this chapter. I like how he started as a worried father, then became more frantic and disjointed toward the end. The intensity is incredible.

Had a feeling that thought process was not going to be clear. I figured he couldn't really hear if someone was on the phone or not, so these were more possible conversations flipping through his head. I figured it was so impossible for a person to call 911 and get transferred to another person calling 911, that it would be obvious it was happening in his mind. As for the marital counseling, I would guess the increasing anger toward her is more due to displaced fear.

As for the cops/helicopter, yeah, maybe that was too fast. I'm not well versed in police chases.

And who's to say he's dead?

I will admit, this is not my best stuff - too many other things vying for my attention. I'll try to clean it up a bit, if y'all don't mind the wait.

Big Bang - chapter 4 of Soccer Dad is up in draft form. I did not give it 100% and it shows, but wanted to get at least a draft posted before the deadline. Will try to clean it up a bit if time allows.

http://storymash.com/u/shadinah/bimigaso/

I had a few technical gripes, but overall, this was very well done. I did wonder why he hadn't called 911 immediately, but you gave a logical explanation. By the end, I was on the edge of my seat. Nice work!

I thought the level of wit fit nicely with the first chapter, yet was the right amount for the growing tension. Loved the line "...most of our family members cite babysitting Michael as the best form of birth control known to mankind." Great job!

Bravo, Nash! While my coaching experience is more for an intellectual team than athletic, we deal with the same types of distraction. Why do we put our kids through this? Or ourselves? Anyway, the chapter was such a fascinating read. Kudos!

I don't mind...

Okay - I'm published and ready to move on - but am I picking up where Cleokatrah left off, or are we still waiting on Dkk?

Great chapter! I liked the bit about Nora - nice to revisit her story and see what happens to those entrapped in the jewels.

I did wonder about the description of Zane's "jewel encrusted sword"... Is this a prelude to an essence for him as well? Can't wait to see what's next!

Okay, pending approval from the Grammar Nazi, my final draft is up and should be published tomorrow. Once again, so very sorry for being so slow!

http://storymash.com/u/shadinah/bibolita/

sorry to be so slow - I have good intentions of finishing tonight...

Wow - GREAT job! It kept the rhythm and the suspense was intense! I enjoyed the interaction between the characters, and can't wait to see where this goes.

I have the beginnings of a rough draft up for A Modern Horror (4). This story seems to run long, so bear with me... :)

I really enjoyed the backstory - you did a great job describing the scene! The timeline was a little confusing initially, but fits with the story.

Interesting chapter - thanks for keeping it short - was a little intimidated to try to match the myriad of pages produced in the first two. :)

One concern - the voice of the characters didn't quite match that of the first couple chapters - Clarence had formerly come one really strong, and here he seems bumbling and shy, and Mark and Bryan both had more of a refined speech pattern before. I understand a bit of a slide in the midst of an emergency, but this was quite extreme.

I'm not too sure about the villain - seems a little too cliche? I mean, a greasy, shadowy guy in the middle of a family cul-de-sac seems the obvious choice of a bad guy - wouldn't that be the first thought of police and parents? Would have been nice to have a little more mystery to it.

However, this makes it more fun to try and mash! Thanks!

No kidding! The mystery deepens...

I liked the description of the boxes - especially the way the padding magically changes firmness... Wish we could have had those in the hospital I worked at! lol (sadly, the shortage of good help leaves many nurses and assistants stretched far to thin)

Appropriate title - after the intense action of the other chapters, this felt a little dry, but it kept the voice and moved the story along. Can't wait to see what happens next!

Wow - this builds dramatically on the tension created in the first chapter. Trina's pain came through loud and clear, and the new characters were introduced very well. I did have some trouble with the time line - had to go back and check dates - the way that beginning is written does seem like it's the next day, though it does later feel like more time has passed. My other biggest nit-pick is that there are a couple sentences with incorrect punctuation. ("Yet, where could she go." needed a question mark - one other sentence like that, I believe. And when the Mark was talking to Maggie, "She won't grab her hair?" was used as more of a statement than a question - at least it didn't make sense to me for it to be a question in that context, but it's late and I'm tired, so sorry if I'm seeing it wrong...) :)
I liked the interaction with the girls - very true to life. And loved the suspense at the end, and the switch you pulled. This was a very good addition!

Did you write this right after moving? Or helping us move? :) Very realistic writing, and believable characters. It is rather detailed - maybe a little too detailed in places, but if this is written as a novel, it works beautifully - sets the stage for a fascinating story. I liked how the public opinion toward Trina changed so quickly - the parents were happy to have her watch their children, but as soon as her motives were questioned, they were quick to turn away. Interesting that they never took the time to get to know her in the first place... I'm glad you made her intentions pure - can't wait to see where this goes!

I liked the "bunny in sights" line - and totally understand the monotony of using "rabbit" all the time - there aren't too many other words for it though....

Glad I'm not the only slow one! lol - Robin's Rabbit has a new chapter, and while I eagerly await the next round, I am happy to cut my fellow mashers some slack. :)

sorry guys - life has been nuts lately, but I am officially on vacation in about 12 hours, so will have a week to write! Will hopefully have this posted within the next couple days...

Yes, very good storyline! It held the flow of the first chapter and added more fascinating elements. I look forward to seeing where this goes!

This was incredibly well written. I love the word pictures and how easily you brought this story to life for the reader. Very well done, and I look forward to mashing with you!

Again, sorry I'm so slow, but it's now up and published!

So sorry I'm so slow - life's been insane. I have a draft posted that is complete now http://storymash.com/u/shadinah/rutugosa/

I'm just waiting on some editing advice before I publish, but plan to do so tomorrow night.

Sorry I'm so slow - I do have more planned, just fighting work and family issues.

Thanks - I had really hoped this would be mashed, because I had no idea where it was going. So glad we're "shaking things up"!

See, Dkk - this IS an awesome story - just needed a bit of polishing so everyone else could see that, too! :)

Yeah, Nash - we're three hours earlier out here... No, just did a quick edit and combining of my original three chapters so WWB could mash it, without turning it into a novella... Though I have also edited DKK's chapter that I want to mash, which has my creative juices flowing in that direction... As for the rest of you who already have chapters posted, I envy your speed. Will try to have a chapter done within the next day or so, if I'm not interrupted by babies, or kids, or work, or general life...

Okay, WWB - the Dirty Laundry has been sorted, consolidated and thrown in for a spin... http://storymash.com/u/shadinah/masurava/
Have fun!

I say, if it's not too far into the storyline, go ahead and mash it. If the story is half done, might not be the best choice. I know in the case of my "Dirty Laundry", all three chapters could probably have been published as one, but I'm not focused enough to do a long chapter...

Dkk - I was wanting to pick "Jewel Guardians", but wondered if I could edit it a bit and send it to you to re-publish. I believe one of your other chapters is supposed to go with it, but it doesn't seem to be connected, so wasn't sure. You can e-mail me - becka_and_kids@juno.com

Would it be good to share e-mails in case we have questions for the original authors? Or just use the forum?

I enjoyed the irony, and the story was a good read.

This was quite fascinating. You have a knack for descriptions.

Very good story! Intense and chilling! I especially liked the phrase "...mother called her a harlett, I called her Jessa."

I assume this is a continuation to the Jewel Guardians, at least, it reads as such. I'm guessing people hadn't read that first part - you need the rest of the story for this one to make sense. You have very interesting characters - but I think the technical flaws make the reader lose focus of the story.

Definite technical issues, but incredible start to the story!

Aw, I feel so honored to be listed among the greats. I would love to participate. I'll probably kick myself later for taking on another project, but it sounds like a fun one!

Great work! I love the bit with the airline - sounds like they have the same frustrations we do... As well as at the hospital... :P

I do have a technical bit that bugged me - in the paragraph "I returned to the precinct bright and early in the morning to find Grif already there, sorting out files and paperwork. It’s like he’s some sort of prodigy or something. At any rate, he pushed a cup of coffee into my hand as I approached his desk and began showing me what he’d put together in the half-hour he’d been there before I arrived.", the last part of the sentence almost feels redundant - perhaps could be rephrased "...in the past half hour." or "...in the half hour he'd been there."

Or maybe I'm being too critical.

I really enjoyed the interchange with the nurse, and the line "Like hungry dogs, we followed at his heels..."

Can't wait to see more - this is incredible stuff!

I agree, "sir" - your writing is exquisite! ;)

wow - chilling. I like the seriousness of this installment - the stark contrast to the hilarity of the others. Looking forward to more! :)

Somehow, I get the feeling that it's far from over...

Absolutely hilarious - good work, and can't wait to see the next installment!

That was a fascinating conclusion! There were some issues with flow and writing technicalities, but if the grammar nazi didn't tackle you, I won't either. I agree - it was a hard story to write. I hadn't realized it was based on an actual person, but the research and trying to tie in actual facts in with the fiction brought a fun element to it. I hope you enjoyed that as well. I loved the twist at the end! The whole time travel idea was mind bending, but you seemed to pull it off well - tied up loose ends. And I loved the crash in Roswell... Good job!

Okay, verbally kicking your butt... I managed my three week deadline, so I'm holding you to your self-imposed one! :)
Anyway, the story is incredible, and I can't wait to see where it goes. The networks are fascinating - tangible, but not? I loved the bit about him practicing on himself! lol And his modest pride in his work. Amazing character. I can easily see this being published someday.

chapter six is done - WBScott - you've got three weeks... ;)

okay - the draft of chapter six is up - if y'all have any suggestions/changes, let me know by the end of today. Thanks!

Ah, I'll make an attempt. If I don't manage, y'all can fire me...

I had to go back and re-read this from the first chapter, since it's been so long... What an awesome story! I can't wait to see what happens next.

I love the way you handled the meeting with the Maker - beautiful allegory! And can't wait to see what plan Michael cooks up. :)

Very cool! I can totally relate to the pain induced disorientation - it came across very well.

What a hoot! I probably shouldn't have read this now, as I just got my abdomen cut open, and it hurts to laugh, but it was worth it!!!

Awesome! Can't wait to see this one...

Holy cow - talk about edge of your seat! Can't wait to see where you take us next!

Wow, that didn't sound much like fiction... ;) Very awesome chapter, and I agree - ask for a nudge on Magehunter!

This character is such a hoot!

WAHOOO!!!!

It'll work for one of those mini gift books you see floating around - get a small enough page and you'll fill it easy enough!

just get white - goes with anything....

Man - my hubby took one dresser, plus three drawers of the mine for his stuff!

And you know what Mom always say's - be sure to wear clean underwear, you never know what might happen.

No - the bump doesn't change too much on a daily basis, but since I'm already five months into it, I have numerous observations to record. And figured it might be fun to have down the road...

I was going to ask if I could start late, as well, but then I read the opening comment about "break rules", and figured, hey, why not... I put two posts on today to make up for my tardiness.

I like the line about the "battle scares"...

no worries - my husband shaves in shower as well. Only certain regions, though... Haven't quite talked him into the calves and shins yet.

I agree! I have been checking this thing weekly, hoping to see the continuation of this thing. So sad to see it dying such a pitiful death. Please, please, please continue this project!

What a hoot! Awesome job!

Yeah, snickering gave me away last time. I tell ya...

Ah, so THAT'S what I was doing wrong...
And btw - can openers can be VERY dangerous. Trust me.

I was curious - are payments being sent out for the last contest? I thought it was supposed to be sent eight weeks after the contest's end, but we're at least three months past that time.

That was hilarious! The description of the weave reminded me of Kale working on the gateways. Very fun to read, and can't wait to see more!

I'd like a shot as well, please!

I really like the way you introduce the magic world - especially the idea of layers and riptides. Can't wait to see more!

Children who can level cities with a single tantrum... Now there's a scary thought. Awesome job, Darlin'. Can't wait to see chapter two!

Again, sorry for the tardiness. Chapter two is up and published.

I am so sorry guys - we've had some nasty disasters at work that have kept me up long nights. I have 75% of the chapter finished, and will do my best to have it done by tomorrow night.

Ah, my name was made to be butchered... So, what kind of time limit am I looking at?

sounds good - thanks!

Birthday craze is over this month, so I'll finally have time - would love to do a chapter, if there's still room.

I did! Wahoo!

I could use some inspiration - word please?

lol - Thanks Darlin'... Actually, I was going to have her knock him out with the butt of the gun, which would have probably been more effective. I really should have gone that angle. And Robert had been running after Jake and Amy, who had been running to the trees before Ms. B got pulled into the cafeteria. With Jake's little speech, I had hoped to clarify that Robert had caught up and talked to them. And as for the disappearing kids, I was trying to re-create the phone call she had made in chapter 2, where the kids first started their disappearing act - that was a hard thread to tie up!
Oh well - I made the mistake of reading the other chapters as they were submitted, so kept re-writing my story, because I kept seeing my ideas popping up. I finally gave up and just let it go, as many entries have the same feel. I guess it was an obvious direction.

Thanks for giving us an explanation for the “flickering” kids!!!

It was all fairly believable until she got under the van, and tried “crawling” as silently as she could. It is very hard to “crawl” under a van. “Slither” might be a better term, which would likely attract attention from trained agents who just found their compatriot shot. And she’d have to be pretty flexible to get out, up and walking in the time it took for someone to lean down to look.

Another thing I had trouble with was the fact that they would go through the trouble of drugging the kids to have them sleep, so they could kill them with a bomb. Why not just give them a lethal dose of whatever drug they used?

But I liked how the kids all vanish from the gym. That’s an evacuation!

I would have liked just a little more elaboration on who Jack was, and where they went so they couldn’t be found, but it was a neat ending. I like the “no mind-reading in class…” line. Good work. I rate it a 3.5

As always, your writing is exquisite. The descriptions are incredible. I really like how tough you made Pete in the beginning.

One issue – the change in POV, after being so consistent throughout the first four chapters, is a little too jarring. It also seems a little odd that he just stands there and watches her failing fight with Pete. Granted, I’ve had enough experience with passive men to find it plausible, but it still seems odd.

The sentence “As usual, it reeked in the small, white-walled room of coffee and mildew.” could possibly be re-worded to “As usual, the small, white-walled room reeked in of coffee and mildew.” to help the flow.

Fruit loops. Genius.

It was good to see the parents coming in – I think that was one issue in the story line so far, that all these kids are in one place, and the parents don’t seem to be the wiser. It was an interesting, wrenching way of dispensing them.

I was surprised not to see more of a reaction from Maribel when Robert came back to her. She should have been chewing him out for leaving her in the lurch!

Great ending – and over all, a really good chapter. I rate it a 4.

Awesome job! It was so intense, yet kept me laughing. I loved the part about the frog. And it's good that you brought back the supernatural feel of chapter two and three. I rate it a 5

The writing was clean and well done. However, the story line had some issues. Why would he only have one child/person strapped to the bomb? Why not threaten the whole group? And why wouldn’t she assume that he had the whole group held under the bomb? When the bomb goes off she assumes all the children are in the vicinity, but only one has perished? It didn’t make much sense. And while it’s a relief that not too many children fall, it seems unrealistic with all the mayhem going on. And I was really hoping to see an answer to the “flickering” kids from chapter 2 and 3.

Great description of her in the hallway – very eerie! I rate it a 2.5

This was written really well. I did have a couple questions – who did Maribel really work for if not the FBI? While it’s a great twist, I think we need more background. Is “Jimmy” Jake’s brother? Or is it supposed to be Jake? And there was no resolution to the question of the flickering kids in chapter 2 and 3. But other than that it was pretty good, and nice to see all the kids survive this chapter. I rate it a 3.

I was really impressed with the story line! Some really great twists. I liked the memories of Danya interspersed with her killing Pete. And Robert’s disillusionment of the Society. It was all really good. My only concern was that the ending was a little too drawn out – seems like they would have terminated them within minutes if they knew the FBI were attacking the lab. And while the murder/suicide is fascinating, I didn’t quite understand why it was necessary. I rate it 4.5

Ha! I love the voice you gave Pete. Takes a bullet and keeps going for his cigarettes.

The line “Nothing made teachers happy like an active PTA…” is terrific!

While it was very fun to read, I have to say it is not the same level of quality of your other works. I won’t get into the issues with it as I see that’s already been covered in the comments. I’d have to rate it 3.5 for the contest. Would have gone higher if it wasn’t attached to the other chapters.

The idea on this is so chilling – what a great angle! While it is very well written, I am curious why Robert and Pete so willingly gave up their lives – the line about being expendable didn’t seem to be enough motivation. Do they have replicants of themselves in the works? It just opened a few more questions. And also, there was no explanation for the “flickering” kids in chapters 2 and 3.

Other than that it was really well written. I give it a 3.5

I had this happen, too. And it says I got paid over a month ago. Very weird! I switched my method of payment to check, as my sister has gotten a payment by check from the site. Good luck, and hope someone with more knowledge answers you!

This is very well written! I like it that you brought in the idea of the children having no souls – OF course, I didn’t like it, because that was the idea I had, but hey, that’s the logical explanation for why the FBI wants them all annihilated, right? ;)

I liked the memory you brought in, though there are a couple tense issues – “Danya replies… Robert bows… She smiles…” If it had been written completely in present tense for the memory portion, that would have worked. But as the majority was still past tense, these stuck out.

The phrase “causing him to fall behind himself…” didn’t sound right – maybe needed to be reworded. And I wasn’t too sure what you were trying to say in the sentence “I had just struggled with her life to protect a man I thought was dead…”

I liked the direction you took. I think the only thing missing was an explanation of the “flashing” kids from chapter 2 and 3, but there were a lot of holes to fill in this one. Good work! I rate it 4.

I love the term “glitch”. It sounds so mechanical. And the idea that Robert and Maribel are replicants as well is excellent! But as long as it was, the ending felt so sudden. It didn’t tie up the loose end of the “flickering” children from chapter 2 and 3, and didn’t fit too well with Robert’s description of replicating adults in chapter 4. Other than that, the writing was very clean and well done. I rate it a 3.5

The sentence “…Please stop pointing that gun at me.” threw off the feel of the previous chapter. I understand you were making Pete seem innocent, but it didn’t seem realistic to the situation. I do like the uncertainty it arouses, however.

I think you could reword the sentence “I grabbed his collar and dragged him inside the school, locked him in a maintenance closet, and started looking for the kids…” as she doesn’t seem to start looking for the kids until after she tells Robert to stay put. In fact, the next sentence has some punctuation errors – I handed Robert the gun and said: “make sure he stays in that closet.” should read - I handed Robert the gun and said, “Make sure he stays in that closet.” And that may need to go in a new paragraph.

When she’s reminded of the night that Danya died, her first thought is of how much she loved her life back then. That seemed an odd reaction. I would imagine looking back on a child’s death as horrific, not something pleasurable to reminisce.

The biggest issue I have with this chapter is that it’s lost the feel of the rest of the story. Not only in the manner of speech and thinking, but also the fact that we go from worrying about the replicants to backgrounds and description of the society and class wars. And the fact that the government would stoop to killing children (even if they are replicated, which brings up another issue in the fact that the last chapter clarified the difference between replicants and clones, and this chapter keeps referring to clones) just to undermine the Society.

While there was a lot of good writing here, it just didn’t fit with the rest of the story, and frankly, was way too political for my taste! I rate it a 3

I like the line “On the other hand, I’ve already done the grieving…” It makes you wonder how she’s really feeling about the situation. The description of the fire-fight was excellent, and the twist with Lockely – fascinating.
I liked the idea of having the kids gassed – I noticed that there are not too many happy endings for these poor replicants. I really liked her thought “Not in front of the children!” Showed her teacher character in the midst of the tense scene.

The idea of the teleportation with Jake and Amy cleared up the mystery of the “flashing” kids from chapters two and three. What I didn’t catch was how Agent Wilkes and buddies got into the room with the chair blocking the door. Did they teleport, too? Was there another entrance? And as she’s talking about new identities – I like the thought that she knows how, but the sentence “I know how to do those things.” felt off there. I think the idea was coming through without it. And I did wonder why they didn’t turn to the Society, or why Robert suddenly seemed powerless in the decisions of their future.

From a technical aspect: “to destroy your husbands work…” is missing an apostrophe. (husband’s)

Over all, it was really good. I rate it 4.5

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Aggeloi, for all your help editing!

I'm quite happy with where it's gone. I didn't have too much of a plan for this story, though you can see the direction I had started in my version of Chapter 2. I just didn't have the time or energy to continue. There were a couple other chapters that made for interesting angles - check out Wandering_Rian's chapter 2 and dogdiety11's chapter 3 - horror show... Pretty much anything rated over 3.7 is a good read.
Anyway, I think my only issue with where it's gone is that there were some really challenging loose ends to tie up in this chapter.

You are so weird!! And I mean that in the best way ever, of course. I especially liked the "alien artifact" from "Drugstore Sector, Aisle Seven". Hilarious!

One less stress would be appreciated!

Congrats!!!

That would have been an awesome twist!

Holy cow. The emotion in the opening was so real. The intensity was great. I loved the way she dispatched Lockley. “Your body is going into this trunk, one way or another." – what a line! It kept her tough side going, after showing her vulnerable side in the beginning.

It was a fascinating concept – the difference between cloning and replication. I had to read it a couple times to catch on, as all we hear about is cloning. I really like it that Robert is being portrayed as having good intentions. “Performing real miracles for grieving parents…” As good as it sounds, something must be amiss for the government to want to shut them down. Eerie!

Most of the questions are answered logically, but a big one I was left wondering about is what’s up with the threat on her life. I can see where the kids’ lives are threatened, but Jake had said she would be dead by Monday.

However, it is an awesome continuation, and keeps the feel of the previous chapters. Great job!

Huge issue in the line “The memories, the love we'd shared, our kids…” In the chapters so far, we have learned about her pain at losing her daughter and her husband. We’ve learned the name of her daughter and her husband. While it is possible for her to have a child that she doesn’t care enough to think about, grieve for, and name within the first three chapters, it is highly unlikely.

This was very well written – brought us right up to a logical climax. It explained why all the kids were in town. It did not explain the threat by Jake, or Irene and Marcus. At this point, I don’t see why she’ll be dead by Monday.

My only other gripe was in the scene with Natalie – the intro of her talent seemed too rushed. You captured her personality beautifully, but I would have liked to see more interaction between her, Maribel and Robert before having that bombshell dropped.

There were several little typos – a ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re’, eachother should be separated, I believe. There were also a few sentences that could have been reworded to help the flow.

Again, great chapter!

It felt really odd to skip over her reunion with her husband. It made the opening couple paragraphs really hard to buy.

There is some really intense emotion running beneath the descriptions. I really liked the lines “…those were not his eyes…” and “…walking through waist-high Jell-O…” Also “Blood pumped feverishly from my heart into my throat, swelling the tissue and burning whatever words I may have spoken, incinerating them into soundless, formless hiccups of hot air…” You’ve definitely got a way with words!

“I continued to walk… I was told to walk…” It felt a little redundant, though I saw what you were doing with it. I could also see what you were trying to do with the thoughts interjected into the movement into the facility, though I’m not sure you accomplished it as well as you could have.

Robert seemed too cold – it drove me nuts the way he put off explaining about Danya. And just how cavalier he seemed about the whole bit.

The background of Repensil was fascinating. What I had a hard time with was the file in her suitcase that has codes and compounds she got from Lockley’s office. From what I gathered in the previous chapters, the file contained names. How’d she get in his office, anyway?

Another big issue I had was her confidence in Pete – it seemed that she revealed too much for a trained agent.

And the change in POV at the end was a little too jarring.

But I do love the irony that Danya died while she was sitting on the file that could have saved her life. Now that is a gut wrenching twist! Very nicely done!

Huge issue right away in the line “Are our kids too…” In the chapters so far, we have learned about her pain at losing her daughter and her husband. We’ve learned the name of her daughter and her husband. While it is possible for her to have a child that she doesn’t care enough to think about, grieve for, and name within the first three chapters, it is highly unlikely.

I had a hard time believing that a trained agent would go into such an oblivion that she didn’t realize she’d left the mayor, climbed into Robert’s car and was driving down the road with him. Granted, it was an incredibly shocking revelation, but still…
The background of the research was interesting, but almost too technical. I had trouble with the time line halfway through. “Soon the experiment grew in magnitude. The whole project was deemed a great success… until…”
“Until?” this didn’t sound good to me.
“Well… in the next 9 weeks 17 specimens expired due to unknown reasons…” The date right before is 1992. Is this failure in ’92 as well?
Fascinating angle, but it was a little short – I would have liked to see more about how Jake’s threat applies to her – not just the kids.
Welcome, and I hope to see more from you.

The tease of Dayna possibly being alive was odd. As was Maribel’s reaction. As a mother, myself, the line “Would I ever really know this new Danya, ever really love her in her new form?” didn’t ring true.

Robert’s behavior is odd, as is her decision to follow him. Granted, it would be a huge shock, but she is a trained agent, from what we’ve gathered from the previous chapters. She doesn’t realize that she’s in a predicament until she’s already gone down the hole?
I had a hard time buying Robert’s line “We know your an agent. Not an occupation I expected you to take, but whatever.” So far, we have a reunion of husband and wife after over a decade separation, and very little emotion.

And then we have gangs. In a small town in Iowa. Are gangs organized enough to pull all this off? Sounds more like the mob. Not that I’ve had much experience with either, but it’s still hard to believe.

I am glad you give Robert some emotion when Maribel asked about Dayna, but again – her response felt wrong. I’m surprised she wasn’t going ballistic on him.

And it is REALLY hard to believe that she has been working for the gangs – not the government. In the previous chapter, she describes her “stint” in Iowa – as if she is already working for the government.

Finally, maybe I’m just getting tired, but I just don’t see where you’re leading us with the children and the experiment.

I’m sorry to be welcoming you with such a hard critique. You have a good style, and some great descriptions going there. I look forward to seeing more from you!

I was really excited to see Danya survive a chapter! It was refreshing to see her, and have Robert portrayed in a relatively positive light! The emotion in the opening was great. I liked the line “his eyes always gave me chills…” It was creepy in a good way.

I was thrown by Lockley being an agent – why he was taking her at gunpoint and all - but your explanation was logical.

However…

She recognizes Phil the mailman’s voice instantly, after over a decade, when she’s talked to him as Pete for a year and not caught on? I like the idea of connecting the two, but have a real hard time buying that she wouldn’t have recognized him sooner.

The whole huge foster family – while it’s an interesting idea, I just can’t wrap my mind around the fact that she’s not caught on that every child she’s interacted with has recently lost a parent! And have all been placed in the town within the last year. Wouldn’t she have noticed the new faces?

The bit about the insecticide initially sounded like it was an instant thing, which made me wonder how it applied a decade later. Maybe if you said “Over time ‘it caused a fatal chemical reaction…’”. And while I’m happy to see a logical explanation for the disappearing children, but wonder how the stress of a death-threat (that I’d assume she’d come up against before as an undercover agent) would trigger her symptoms.

So, as much as I loved the idea of having Dayna around, I’m having a hard time believing the main plot of the chapter.

I was initially confused that she didn’t notice Jake and Amy, but as the chapter progressed, it made more sense. I really liked the idea of the teleportation – it answered the big question of the disappearing / reappearing kids in chapter two and three. It was a logical explanation, and made for a very interesting angle. However, the consistency wasn’t there to make it work.
Louise is telepathic. So why ask “You were about to ask them what they were concentrating on, weren’t you, Ms B?” And the whole bit about her giving Wilkes away – Ms B had just had a dream about it that Jake and Amy had put in her head – that’s three minds from whom Louise could have garnered that info.
Ms B sees the three kids with Robert and Lockley. Even with them disappearing, wouldn’t she be a little more careful after seeing how powerful they were?
After spending a whole year teaching and working with these kids, she’s never caught on to the fact that they have had brain surgery and spend hours in the classroom learning their powers?
Louise initially seems to be the most powerful – or at least the three children combined. But then Amy throws them against the wall. Why didn’t she do that to begin with? Was the car that much of a distraction?

There were some issues with tense scattered throughout the chapter, and in certain spots it was really jarring.

But there were some really great lines in there, too. My favorite – “Thinking outside the box had always been one of my stronger suites. Trying to think through a mud puddle that grew deeper and thicker with every revelation, and talk at the same time was not.”

It was such a great idea - I just really wish you had found a way to make it work a little more logically.

There were some definite issues in redundancy. The one that popped out the most to me was “the sound of…”, which was repeated thrice within the space of half a page. Another was when she stood from the chair she’d been sitting on. And another when she could tell that Robert was telling the truth.
I had to cringe at the line “Do you remember “the day”, that horrible day?” Augh – how insensitive! I just can’t imagine a man asking his wife that about the day she thought she’d lost him and their child.
I liked the fact that you portrayed Lockley as an FBI agent as well – gives it an interesting twist. But when Lockley is described as having “disposed of the other biochemists because they were unable to stay quiet”, it made me think more along the lines of the mob than FBI. You might have been able to get away with CIA.
The children who have the negative reaction to the anti-serum an interesting ending, but maybe not one to fill a whole final chapter.

I got thrown off within the first two paragraphs – She’s staring at the two men, Robert’s giving her his full attention, and then he’s walking away, and calling over his shoulder; “Are ya’ coming…” And she follows – in silence??? I just don’t buy it from her character so far. I had a hard time buying the whole chapter. The fact that Robert was up in the loft within seconds, while it exhausted her to climb up there. Are we exploring teleportation? The fact that she felt she owed it to him??? The fact that Robert gives no explanation whatsoever until they’re in the lab. And the whole thing with Lockley – wow. I may have missed something, but from what it looked like, he decided to start making clones because he was bored. Maybe a little more history showing that he was some sort of biological genius would be in order to pull that off. And this massive obsession of his is linked to someone he’s never met. Odds are slim. But that’s nothing compared to the astronomical odds of him deciding to become mayor in hopes that she’ll be relocated to his town.

On a positive note, I think it’s a rather fascinating angle that Robert is a clone. The writing was good, and clean – I appreciated the lack of typos and minimal punctuation errors. I would have scored it higher if you could have portrayed this idea in a more believable fashion.

Two huge issues right off the bat – “My children were still dead…” In the chapters so far, we have learned about her pain at losing her daughter and her husband. We’ve learned the name of her daughter and her husband. While it is possible for her to have a child that she doesn’t care enough to think about, grieve for, and name within the first three chapters, it is highly unlikely.
And her husband’s name is Robert, not Richard.

Frankly, I was shocked at the level of mind reading. At least that’s how I saw it – It just seemed like too many leaps, and not enough communication. I was starting to copy the areas that bugged me the most, but a huge bulk of the chapter is written this way.

I did think that the writing was excellent. There is great intensity and emotion. I enjoyed the line, “Truth be told, I think it hurt me more than him, my hand stung from the blow.” I also really liked her dispatch of Hiram. I also liked her shooting (at?) her husband, though it did leave some questions about her aim and intentions.

It was really short – I really would like to read more. If this chapter were on it’s own, I would have rated it much higher. Welcome, and I look forward to reading more from you!

I would love to donate gifts - do you have an address or po box to send stuff to?

Ah - do I see another blog topic coming up, Aggeloi?

ack - me too. :) I'll have to check out your storyline.

ah, poor Darlin... I'm guessing you copied and pasted from a couple years ago, because the redundant phrases scattered through out are not your current style. But it was so funny :)

I, too, have pondered the reasoning behind the definitions of "awesome" and "awful". I like the theory of a critical mass. And I liked the fact that Chelsea was so awesome that she wouldn't have been noticed had she not backed into his car...

Echoing all the above statements... This is an incredible storyline, and I can't wait to read more!

oh, gotta love the old fuse boxes...
This was brilliant - reminded me of when we tried to fix our washer. I think everyone needs a good handy-man in their group of close friends/family.

Congrats! I'm really glad you won, because I can't wait to see what her husband has to do with all this!

any time... I felt bad bring up areas that had already been commented on, but I also felt it best to give a clear explination of my vote, since it actually counts for something this time. Keep up the good work, and keep trying on the contests!

I meant to comment on this last week, but things got so hectic... Anyway, awesome job! I love how you do the accents - it really brings the characters to life. And can't wait to see what happens with the eggs. Five stars!

I just read the comments I had jotted down as I read this, and I'm sorry up front that they are rather negative.

The first paragraph interrupted the flow from the last chapter. The fact that it's the town mayor was just stated at the end of chapter two. Also, in chapter 2, she walked to the bus stop, so the rear-view mirror felt off. Also, the grocery mart was quoted as being a half a mile, and now you’ve made it a mile and a half.

I liked the aspect of Pete being her ally. I am quite curious about what “everyone’s in on…” However, the rogue agency has a unbelievable feel to it – one agent or two, maybe, but everyone? Including everyone in the town?

It's an interesting angle, and if was standing alone, you'd be getting a much higher score. But with it needing to flow well with the previous two chapters, I'm rating it 2.5.

Very eerie beginning – keeps the flow of the last two chapter.

One typo in the sentence “…Amy and his mother…”

I think that the sentence “As I watched them watching me, I realized they were the same kids that I had thought I imagined across the street” could be re-written. It borderlines on being a run-on. And the next sentence as well – too many “thought”s and “imagine”s too close together. It would have been more potent to say “The children watching me were the same ones I had imagined before. Maybe I hadn’t imagined them.” Or something to that effect.

I liked the cliff-hanger, and would love to see where this is going. It’s a little short, but well written.

I rate it 4.3

The bus arrived fairly quickly, a little too convenient. I had a hard time buying that the mayor would give up that easily.
“‘I have to act natural,’ I reminded myself…” could be rewritten “I reminded myself to act natural” to help the flow.
I liked the Pavlov’s dog simile.
Ten minutes seemed a long time to be finally leaving the town. A few minutes would seem more realistic.
I’m not sure why it took so long for the sheriff to catch up with her, but did like the twist there.
I think you should have used “laid” instead of “lied” when she’s on the cot in the cell. “Lied” implies that she is not telling the truth.
I really liked the implication that she had been through an arrest before, likely more than once.
I don’t think you needed the “Well” in the sentence “Well morning came…” It would have had a good impact starting with “Morning came…”
I liked how the history of Ms. B’s names and rap sheet gave a good taste of her background, while bringing about more questions.
I don’t think that the mirror paragraph was necessary, but I did like the resolve that she came away with in the next paragraph.
I don’t believe she came across as “an elderly lady” in the first couple paragraphs, so the description here was rather jarring. We have the hint that she was married a dozen years before, but I would have guessed her to be more middle age than elderly.
There were several spots that needed some editing, but over all, it was a fascinating angle.

I rate it 3.7

Great description in the line “His smile was still bright enough to make up for the insufficient light being given off by the flickering street lights above where we stood.” Also good description of the lines of his fingers disappearing from her arm, though it struck me as odd that her arm would be bare. She has just been walking half a mile on a cold night – wouldn’t she be wearing a coat?

I question your choice of words when the mayor “fell hard to the floor…” I feel that “floor” indicates being inside. And I think that I would not have drawn the conclusion that the bus driver had seen what had happened. If she had, wouldn’t a natural response be to stop and see what was going on? I realize she is later revealed to be an antagonist, but we don’t know that at this point.

I also question why Ms. B would hang up on her contact when the bus stops. Seems like it would be more logical to keep the line open.

I rate this a 3.5

I like the flashback to Chomsky’s advice – so far the only impression I’d had of him was that of a partying drunkard, so I liked being reminded that he had a good side.

The food drive was a great twist. My only concern is that she looks back at the “eerily silent throng of children”, with no surprise that they had re-appeared after disappearing at the end of chapter two. However, it sure was a great line! That whole scene was so creepy – I really liked the feel of it.

Another issue – she’s Ms., not Mrs.

I love the idea of Jake stowing away on the bus, but not quite sure I believe that the bus driver didn’t notice his boarding. I assume the driver is an agent, too? I do see where you wrote that the center doors opened – maybe the driver could have pulled him out of the stairwell instead of from behind Ms. B’s seat?

The scene with all the agents was excellent – gave us a little breath before hitting us with the next twist that she’s been living in a “ghost” town for the past year. And with the vanishing Jake, and Amy’s criptic message - I can’t wait to see where this is going!

I rate it 4.5.

Interesting angle, having her play along. It was well written – though not as gripping as I would have liked.

I rate it 4.5

I liked the description of her past names – it felt very plausible.

“My first thought, my gut intuition, screamed – Attack! Long ago I’d learned that my “gut” was almost always right. A physical attack would be my best – hell, my only defense.” I think you could condense this to start “My gut instinct screamed…” Most people would know exactly what you’re talking about, and it gets more to the point.

I was slightly confused at her initial decision to run after her gut was telling her to attack. If that was her conclusion, wouldn’t her gut have screamed “Run!” I was thinking fight OR flight. It was good to see the change in plans, and I liked the turn around there.

The collision with Pete was great, and I was really glad to see him brought in as an ally. The description of her fight with him was wonderful. I also liked the banter about the ID, and her struggle with the desire to trust him.

The blizzard angle is an interesting one – gives a good reason for the delay of backup. However, I would have liked to have more hints that the snow was starting to fall somewhere in the beginning, because the line about the snowy yard felt too sudden.

I’m not sure if the description of the outside of the house was needed. Between that and the background of Pete and Jessie, I was starting to loose the feel of the story. However, the turn with the empty house and candle on the table brought back the creepy feel. And the pamphlet was just eerie. It was an interesting twist to have Wilkes (or his wife, at least) involved. Not to mention the questions we now have about Pete.

All in all, it was very well written. I rate it a 4.

The Unknown 3: Horror Show by dogdeity11

The begining lost me for a bit, but once I caught on, I was quite impressed. It seems a rather jarring change of scene. However, you kept the deliciously creepy feel. I loved the line “Msssssss B. Are you in there? Mssssss Beeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeee. Come out and plaaaaaay-e-aaaa.” And the “little puffs of ghostly breath…” Wow.

I’m not sure I liked the phrase “felt my eyelids growing weak…” I know heavy/heavier would be the most typical term, and I’m guessing you wanted to avoid the typical, but “weak” felt, well, weak.

I’m glad you filled us in on what happened between the end of chapter two and the beginning of chapter three, and thought your use of the tense change was rather masterful. This was one of the best pieces of horror I’ve read in a while! And kudos making the kids the villians – I had hinted toward that in my chapter, but haven’t seen too many that have gone this direction!

There were a couple spots with incorrect punctuation. (sorry, was raised with an editing nazi of a mother…) However, it was such a gripping story, I couldn’t stop reading! This was easily my favorite entry.

I rate it a 5.

The Unknown - Uncovered by wolfram

This was very well done. I liked how there was enough explanation to start filling in the holes, yet enough suspense to keep it moving. I liked how you threw in the other POV - it gave the chapter a little more mystery.

I rate it a 4.9.

I really like how you brought out the fighter in her. I also liked the dialogue between her and Lockley. The chapter had a slightly different feel, but kept the creepy factor with the appearance of the busload of kids. I was very impressed with the history, though not quite sure I understood the “Pop-Corned” headline – maybe I’m a bit slow today…
This was an incredible chapter, and I love the angle you are going with.

I rate it a 4.9.

I have to agree with hebe - this was so littered with typos, I had a hard time getting through it. I highly suggest writing in a word processing program so you can use spell check.

I wouldn't rate it until it was cleaned up a bit.

Interesting idea, and background. It didn't flow with the first two chapters, and though she was reliving some bad memories, I have a hard time swallowing that an FBI agent would be that oblivious to her surroundings. Also the spots of redundancy that were mentioned above distracted from the story.
I'd rate it a 2.

Interesting angle, but it did seem to tie up too many loose ends for this point in the story. There were also some definite issues with tense, and a couple typos.
I'd rate it a 2.5

Huh, I really liked the idea - it made sense, and was an interesting angle that I hadn't seen used yet! I did have a hard time getting into this chapter because of the formatting issue. Aside from that, I liked it, and wish you'd gone a little farther.
I'd rate it 3.5

okay, now I've given you my lesson - I'd love to see what other people have learned!

I noticed that in round two the same thing happened, but it was moved to the contest page - some of the higher-ups on the site might be taking pity on you. ;)
One way you could fix it is to copy and paste it using the "Write New Chapter" link at the end of the winning chapter 2. Good luck!

When you were writing this, did you click on the "New Story" link, or the "Write Next Chapter" link at the bottom of Chapter 2? It's showing up in the stories section instead of the contest section, which seemed to happen to your last chapter as well.

YES! I, too, am quite curious, and hope to see how you would finish the story!

I go for anything suspense! Ted Dekker is my all time favorite author - his Circle Trilogy is absolutely incredible. Bill Myers, Terry Blackstock, Sigmond Brower, Dee Henderson, Beverly Lewis, Wanda Brunsetter, Harry Kraus, Randy Alcorn, Frank Peretti, Francine Rivers and Alton Gansky are a couple more that I enjoy.

I come from a family of readers, and luckily, we all seem to like the same stuff, so books make the rounds after holidays and birthdays. Ironically, I married a man who doesn't like to read, but I managed to get him hooked on Ted Dekker, too.

Tim Downs wrote a good one, too called "First the Dead" about an entomologist (sp?) helping out after Katrina. I lived in LA for a short time, and felt he got the right feel of the area.

This could be an interesting story. Just a tip - many people on here write their stories in Word, or some sort of word processor, and that way they can edit before publishing. I noticed many things like changes of tense, incorrect punctuation, etc, that would have been picked up with some editing. The title you chose piqued my curiosity - very interesting. Best of luck.

10 years is a long time to hold a grudge, David.

Yeah, that actually has a story behind it, too that got axed. Something about her only agreeing to take on a different persona if it has the same first initial of the last name so she has a nickname to fall back on for when she does the short stints... Anyway, fun to see what people wind up naming her. :)
And congrats on runner up - had to be a close second - I know that I couldn't decide if I liked yours or Aggeloi's entry better!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!

Yeah, I think Katrina should have switched Mrs. B, and Ms. B in her original comment. I used Ms. B in the first chapter - you used Mrs. B in the second. I was actually going to have a little scene in the first chapter of a parent calling her Mrs, and her retorting that she hadn't been a Mrs. in over a dozen years, and would never marry anyone with such a rediculous last name (hence why she went by the first initial)... Anyway, decided it was a lot of extranious info and axed it.

I know, we'll do an experiment with the cell phone. Charge you cell phone fully, then turn it off and store it for 12 months. In November 2009, we'll all come back and discuss results...

I like the idea of parallel stories. I know in the initial chapter I had been thinking that Ms. B taugt first grade, but never specified. I don't think you specified in this chapter either, so it could be an older child. I think the fact that he calls his father "Daddy" throws that off, but one never knows...

What a hoot! It definately tied the last couple chapters together. There were a couple spots that needed a bit of editing - nit-picky stuff like a "your" instead of "you're", but not enough to destract from the story. I really enjoyed it. 4

Very interesting. Technical writing was good. It felt very normal, and didn't get too creepy until the end. I liked the description of the cat. It's been said before, but it didn't move the story along too far, and I really wasn't too sure where you were going with it. 3

So, I noticed that there was a pretty incredible entry that was entered today, is that one eligible? There were a couple entries on the 14th, come to think of it... I think the time zone this runs on has me all confused!

I do wonder if every answer on the quiz was incorrect because of her mind drifting or because Amy actually answered them all wrong...
Technically, the writing had no mistakes, but I have to agree that there wasn't enough!
I did really like the idea of the parent teacher confrence, and the bit about the mother. Gives us something new. 3 stars

I really liked this - great flow and descriptions. Technically, the writing was excellent - nothing to critique there. I suppose it could have moved the plot further along, but I thought it was well done. 4 stars

Great descriptions and feeling. It was quite the creepy chapter.
First problem, it was rather final for chapter two of a five chapter contest. There were some questions left open - how did she become free from the chains, for one - but not enough to fill three chapters. I was confused by the line "Shaking memories long gone from my mind, I [hopped] into my small yellow buggy, taking a trip to Jake's home and arriving within fifteen minutes." I'm assuming you're meaning car when you say buggy, but a car ride in a small town rarely lasts more than five minutes. Fifteen would indicate a larger town in my experience (I used to deliver pizza, so I may be looking at it a little too literally). The bar scene (as well as her choice of t-shirts for that matter) gave it a feel of "Teachers Gone Wild", though I suppose the first chapter didn't delve into her personality enough to cement it one way or another. Just doesn't have the feel of most teachers I know, though I doubt I know any who are undercover agents.
"I didn't mean to let go, Jack" brought back memories of Titanic. Not saying that's a bad thing, but it did.
There were some isses with paragraph structure and punctuation - needed a little more editing. I'd probably give it a 3 if it were ending the story, but as it feels like you've ended it less than halfway through, I'm going for 2.5.

I liked the chill you brought into play in the way the people of the town were trying to avoid her. Other than that, it was a hard story to believe. From the "Was this child delusional?" (I would think a teacher would be more prone to assuming it was an overactive imagination!) to the walk home with all the front lights off.
"Rachel Baker" was the name she had written down from a tombstone - it wasn't her name.
I do hope you will keep practicing - you have a good imagination. 2

I really enjoyed the feel of this. The imagery is exquisite. The idea of her being suicidal is an interesting twist! And I liked the clues that Pete was not all who he said he was.
I did have a challenge swallowing that "the Division" had dropped contact for six months. However, I really don't know how the FBI works - just what I see on tv, which is hardly a reliable source! Also had a hard time with the fact that she's been welcoming the "zero effect" for a decade, but has not done anything about it. Just my take...
I give it a 4.

Holy cow! This was an awesome chapter! The part where you came back from her reverie seemed a little abrupt, but other then that, I think you nailed it. I really liked the personality you gave her. The way she acted in the bar was fantastic, and felt very believable. I also like the idea of the threat being to the whole town, I don't think anyone's taken that route yet, and it gives it a great twist. I'd rate it 4.75, but am rounding up to a 5.

The description of Felton was hilarious. I like that you describe her struggle with the deception she has to pull off. I also really liked the idea of the once a week work station - logical and unique! I also liked the idea that she'd been found out, though I agree with writerwannabe that it would be unlikely for her to be carrying something from her past identities. (however, in response to the comment about the pic on the credit card - Bank of America routinely puts the pics on their credit and debit cards for security purposes, so it is quite plausible!)
I would rate it 4, only because it didn't grab me as much as your other stories.

I really liked this angle. It was very plausible. And I really liked that you made Jake's dad an unwitting accomplice. I also liked the way you brought us along on Jake's emotional roller coaster.
I noticed a couple issues in sentance structure - a few run-ons in the middle of the chapter. I didn't mind the POV shift too much, and I think the only way to have not done that would have been to have Jake's dad and Ms. B sit down and have a heart to heart. And frankly, I'm not sure if that would have fit as well.
Very well done - 4 stars

You have some really great lines - "The Blue Chalk Ladies want you dead." and "The brisk, frigid air slapped me in the face as I stepped outside."
I noticed a couple grammer issues, a paragraph written in present tense while the rest were in past, and a couple run on sentances. However, it was a very intriguing story, and the angle you are taking this is incredible. 3.5

You wrote this beautifully! I liked the way you brought in the memory of the husband and daughter so naturally, and the mystery surrounding Amy. The young cemetary was creepy, and left a great angle to work off of. My only beef was the timeline in the begining - it just felt a little off to have her showering right before lunch time. I guess I correlate having a restless night to rising early, but that's just my take! Anyway, great job - 4.5 stars

Very well written! I loved the descriptions and intensity of the chapter. My biggest challenge with it was the change in character for the first person. I could see where that would come across as confusing for the reader. I also had a hard time buying that an officer of the law would leave his radio when he must have known he was going to be checking out a body. There were a couple parts that were a little redundant, so could have used a bit more editing.
The twist with the kids was awesome! Chilling, and horrible, but very well written!
I also loved how you brought in "Them"! Again, very chilling, and dug us closer into the mystery of the small town.
4 stars

Wow - that sent chills down my spine! I couldn't find anything to critique on this, so am giving it a 5. Good job! Loved the descriptions of the mayor. Creepy!

THIS IS NOT FOR THE CONTEST! I know I'm not eligible, just wanted to share my idea and figured that by the end of the contest, everyone would be so sick of the story that no one would want to read it then. lol So, don't vote on it, but I wouldn't mind feedback.

Hi - those newbie questions are the way we all learn. Great fun. I do want to say that I apreciate a writer who is open to advice. I've read your work and think it's pretty good, but am most impressed with your receptiveness! kudos. :) (okay - was blown away at how you continued Rainy Days. Awesome work!)

mature

ha, ha... If you look at my profile, you'll see I've only been on here about a month. Welcome, fellow newbie!

lol - I like it, and see where you're going. Nice!

"I only hope to one day be in your shoes! But since no one seems to get my peanut butter humor, doubt it's ever going to happen... oh well. ;)"

Don't give up! I thought this was pretty cute when I read it - granted, had some typos, but you had some great descriptions! I can't wait to see what you do here. Keep writing - I'll keep reading. ;)

Thanks so much, everybody!!! I can't wait to see where this thing goes! :)

man - I wish they had one of the three out in my po-dunk town! lol
And yes, I whole-heartedly agree. EVERYBODY GET OUT AND VOTE!!!

This was beautifully written. A little racy for my taste, which makes me want to drop the score, but looking at it from the writing stand point, I can't find anything to criticize. Good job - 5.

Wow - this was incredible. I wish more people had a chance to read it - it would have been nice to see it in the contest. It was very well written - I agree that you could have been more descriptive. One thing that I questioned was the gender of Jaime. I liked it that you left it ambiguous, but I think that if you were going to specify it, it should have been in the begining. You left a lot of angles open here, and I've got to say, I am fascinated, and can't wait to hear more! 4.5

Not a good thing to hear the day the winner is supposed to be announced! lol

I notice that your work has an almost documentary like feel to it. I have read some of your past comments regarding people not reading your work, and would guess that is why. I know that I, for one, need something that grabs my attention in the first paragraph to keep me interested. I'm sure that there are people out there who like this style, just haven't run into too many! :) If you are looking for more readers, I suggest that you make the opening more personal. The way this chapter ended, we were actually living Daniel's life with him, instead of just being given a summary. It made it more interesting.
You have a lot of potential.

"If you vote for blacks and women in office you WILL go to hell !"
Really curious where you found this one in scripture. Also curious how you respond to Jesus hanging out with sinners and showing them God's love instead of telling them that they would go to hell for what they had done.
John 8:11b "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

Persephonie, I think that you are an awesome writer, and I really appreciate your critiques. I do hope that you will keep commenting and rating my works as you have, because I feel it is fair, and want to know how I can improve. Your honesty is a breath of fresh air. :)
I hope you read the comment I posted in response to your critique of my chapter. Here's the main part -
"I had planned to post a comment in response to Persephonie's critique a few days ago, and perhaps if I had others would not have felt the need to step in.
I really appreciated what she had to say! I can take a hard critique - I know I have a lot to learn, and I felt the points she brought up were fair and valid. Persephonie is an amazing writer, so it's logical that she judges a little harder than most. But she uses the same method for judging all the stories she reads, from what I've observed.
I think that there are several types of writers on this site, from really awesome, to fair, to not so good. So if a decent writer submits something, a mediocre writer would see it as a great piece and score it high, while an excellent writer would see the flaws and rate it lower. Both ratings would be fair, and the opinions would be valid - it's all based on the person's point of view. And the writer who's piece is in question should appreciate comments from both. I just can't see the logic in accepting praise for a good piece, and then getting offended at a critique from a more skilled writer. This is all a learning process! I know I am not the best writer here, so greatly appreciate all the tips from writers like Persephonie. The chapters I have read from her are exquisite, and I am grateful to learn how I can improve.
Now, this is all in response to her comment on mine - looking at her comments on others, I do agree that she's a little harder on third person POV. But she is very clear in how she judges, and explains her reasoning, which I do appreciate. There are other people on this site rating stories down and giving no reason for it. Maybe someone in that group has a thing against first person POV - who knows! It's all based on opinion - and to those who are trying to rig the ratings - shame on you! Don't rate someone's story down because you have a grudge - that's not the point of this site!"

I've got to say, technology was extremely advanced for 1956...

Aside from that major flaw, it was an incredible story. I did have a hard time swallowing the fact that the news and police wouldn't have been suspicious of how he knew about the location of the girl. There were many technical errors as well - mainly in dialogue, but also in some of your sentance/paragraph structure. Once it's cleaned up a bit, it could rate fairly high. As is, 2.5.

I really liked the southerngentelwoman - and believe you brought her personality through very well. The reiteration of "control" did well to show her inner battle. I liked her outburst at the end - very appropriate for the news she was given, and I agree, outrage and disbelief is quite plausible.
The ending didn't come as too much of a surprise, but the mystery of "whom and what" is very clear, and makes me look forward to seeing more. The part about the appreciation in Mr. Hale's eyes seemed redundant - (at least in how it was worded) and didn't fit well with the feel of the chapter around it. However, I understand why you put it in there, and really don't have any suggestions for it!
I felt that she cut him off too soon. How did she know that he was apologizing or making excuses? Would she have really lost her composire that soon, before even giving him a chance to explain his sudden appearance after so many years? I could see him trying to open with the obvious begining of an apology, and then having her cut him off. Aside from that, I thought it was well written. 3.5 stars.

Noun
alot

Common misspelling of a lot.

Usage notes
A spelling of ‘a lot’ in the adverbial senses of "very much or many" and "often" frequent in informal writing but not generally accepted by arbiters of English usage. When it appears intentionally in print, it is generally either representing the original spelling in a work quoted, or is an attempt by the author to convey poor education in the character using it.

(PER WIKTIONARY)

Holy Boogers! I'm gone for a few days, and come back to a comment war! So, is this normal for contests, or is everyone extra touchy this time around? Wow!
I had planned to post a comment in response to Persephonie's critique a few days ago, and perhaps if I had others would not have felt the need to step in.
I really appreciated what she had to say! I can take a hard critique - I know I have a lot to learn, and I felt the points she brought up were fair and valid. Persephonie is an amazing writer, so it's logical that she judges a little harder than most. But she uses the same method for judging all the stories she reads, from what I've observed.
I think that there are several types of writers on this site, from really awesome, to fair, to not so good. So if a decent writer submits something, a mediocre writer would see it as a great piece and score it high, while an excellent writer would see the flaws and rate it lower. Both ratings would be fair, and the opinions would be valid - it's all based on the person's point of view. And the writer who's piece is in question should appreciate comments from both. I just can't see the logic in accepting praise for a good piece, and then getting offended at a critique from a more skilled writer. This is all a learning process! I know I am not the best writer here, so greatly appreciate all the tips from writers like Persephonie. The chapters I have read from her are exquisite, and I am grateful to learn how I can improve.
Now, this is all in response to her comment on mine - looking at her comments on others, I do agree that she's a little harder on third person POV. But she is very clear in how she judges, and explains her reasoning, which I do appreciate. There are other people on this site rating stories down and giving no reason for it. Maybe someone in that group has a thing against first person POV - who knows! It's all based on opinion - and to those who are trying to rig the ratings - shame on you! Don't rate someone's story down because you have a grudge - that's not the point of this site!
My final reminder is that judging is based on the opinions of a certain set of judges, so all this baloney about rating my chapter up and others down is not going to do any good anyway! The best story among the finalists will win based on the judges scores - not the ratings of the peers on the site.
I suppose I should thank all the people who have brought the comment war to my piece, because I earned 30 cents from all the activity in just three days! So thanks! And I'm looking forward to some semblance of peace on this site again!

Waiting anxiously for the rest of this! lol ;) I did want to point out that the rest of the story has been first person POV so far. Not sure if you were doing a different POV on purpose. I probably should wait until you're finished to comment... Oh - and I love the bit about the camera!

Of course, the competitive nature in me would love to win, and yes, I did write this specifically for the contest. But as my mind got on the idea, I now have another chapter or two in the works... I think I was just saying that I know I'm not the best writer on the site, so find it very likely that someone else will be #1. And that's cool. It's a fun learning experience, though I'm not too sure about all the bashing going on the past few days. :S (granted, I just started writing last month as a way to unwind, so not taking it seriously as others!)

Great theme! (I used to deliver pizzas, so any pizza delivery song gets my attention - "Pizza Angel" by VeggieTales is my favorite) 3.5 stars

Intriguing idea! I had considered having Jake overhear his dad as well. I liked the feel of her panic. Also liked that you left her cocoa untouched so someone can play off that. Also liked that you showed how she had bonded with the kids.
You write very well, just had a few typos that likely would be picked up in editing. Main ones I saw were "Its because he knows why you are here he said..." (I believe that should have a comma after here - probably should just start with the "He said", but kids don't use correct grammer, so the layout you have is very natural.)
Also, in the line "...various students' parents what were trying to kill me." ("what" should have been "who", I believe)
Normally, I wouldn't critique to this extent, but I saw your comments to Whale and Hebe... Anyway, good job - 3.5 stars

You should check out "Rainy Days and Mondays..." if you want an awesome story - I think Nashvillebecker probably has someone voting him down out of spite, 'cause it should be #1.

Thanks for all the great feedback! in answer to some questions/comments -
Nash- That is so funny about the creepiness angle - totally unintentional, but glad it came into play. Ironically, I come from a small town, and if a little one was sitting in the park alone in the cold, I would likely invite them over to warm up. I think it might be one of the small town things... The village raising the child mentality. So, that's where I was going with that. The fact that she invited another child over though could make for an interesting twist. Gotta love many minds mulling over the same piece!
The cocoa was also intended to be innocent - as will be cleared in the second chapter. Again, modeled after real life, where I give my kids swiss miss, and make my cocoa from scratch... But love how the twist could be applied! (or maybe not - yuck! lol)
Wolf - Oy - ya got me. I was trying to convey that she was starting to feel an attachment to the town, but I can see where it would be confusing. And her "own small town" was a place lived in the past... I don't know if there are any other gypsies out there, but I tend to feel that all the communities I've lived in are "mine". :)
As for coming to school early - well, I initially was going to describe more of her home, and show that she preferred to stick to the school as much as she could. But I didn't. Good idea for the revise, if I ever do it! :P And as for the janitor - uh, I really don't know! I just wanted a character for her to interact with, and glad my dear darling sister got me off the hook on that one! lol As for the banter, I was modeling that off this delivery driver I used to work with who was in his 60's, but still a shameless flirt. Oh well. I suppose it's the season for creepy, so I'll go with it! :)
Wendy - Great second chapter! I'll do a comment tomarrow, as it's pushing midnight, and I have to get up in four hours... And as cool as it looks to have the "number one story," it's only up there because more people have read it than the other ones posted. Once people read and vote on the other stories, mine could go anywhere! But I'm sure I'd be pretty psyched, if only I didn't have this tendancy to analyze everything.
And sorry about typos - it's been one of those days... :P

Thanks darlin' cause that one left me hanging. I really don't know the inner workings of schools, and was cringing to realize it showed! lol.

Hi Cal! Great start - looking forward to seeing more of your work.

Wonderful story! You have got one twisted imagination! (and I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course...) My only critiques are the few spelling errors and other spots that just needed a bit more editing. The biggest one I saw was the time line. It all flowed fairly well until the sentance "My father had long given up tending to the crops and it showed. The fields of tall barley and wheat had long withered away..." From what it sounded in the begining, the father had been working hard up 'til the first murder. And I have a hard time swallowing that the police would have taken that long to start closing in - maybe a week or two, but not long enough that the crops would wither away...
But that's just my take. And I'm not a farmer by any means, so have no idea how long it takes for crops to wither away!
Anyway, loved the descriptions. Loved the irony of the father correcting his son for taking the Lord's name in vain as he is finishing taking a life. Very well done! 4 stars

Okay, I'm really curious if there will be a post somewhere that tells final judging on round 10. Any clues?

VERY thought provoking. My initial thought is that the parents over-reacted. But of course, they come from a completely different socio-economic background... (and I know some parents who would re-act this way! lol) But makes one wonder... Did the authorities have more on Trina, or is it a witch hunt? Interesting.
Excellent writing, though it didn't grab me from the start like most of your stories do. But then, this is a different style. I loved the interaction between the family as they were moving in. SO true to life! Loved the description in the line "...launched a speedy offensive on Bryan's prominent midsection..."
Good work - 4.5 stars.

"All of life’s sorrows could no longer be solved with a pint of Cherry Garcia©."
SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!!

And Tasmine - Tofu is made from soybeans, which, contrary to popular belief, are found in nature.

4.5 as promised ;) Make sure to rate the story yourself, too.

EW! This was awesome! What an incredible twist. I can't find anything to critique - 5 stars.

Thank you for those suggestions. I'm not to sure how to clarify the gender in the bit with the janitor - do you have any suggestions? I tried to show that the janitor was an old man speaking to "Ms. B", who in turn would have to be the main character. However, I do understand that since that idea was already in my head, that's the perspective I saw it from when I read it.

Ah - well, I meant that after you post one part, you could follow the link at the bottom of the page that says "Write next chapter" to post the next chapter, so that way all your chapters would be linked.
Yeah - I understand that the character limit can sure be a bugger. :)

Very nicely done - had the same feel as the first chapter, so flowed well. I liked the idea that he is trapped at the whim of this person, and it leaves me with lots of questions that will hopefully be answered in future chapters. I had a hard time with the tone change from the first part of the story to the next. Shylee especially seemed like such a commanding presence in the first portion, then did an about face and seemed like a silly school girl in the last bit. But hopefully that will clear up ni chapters to come! Good work - 4 stars.

Nice idea! I like it, aside from the fact that some people are having challenges staying within the character limit as it is, and if I understand your suggestion correctly, this would take up space in that limit. Maybe once we've gotten five chapters on a story, someone can post a summary as a draft, and then do an update every five chapters or so. Or put the summary in the preview, depending on the limit there.

EW! This was incredible! I really felt myself drawn into this relaxing scene (as for the hanging bodies in the barn - I just assumed were deer, or cow, or pig, or something else that would fit the setting) and was shocked at the old man's comment about the material of the coat. What an eerie combination of the old fashioned, community feel, and the barbaric behaviors. 5 stars!

You're doing really well for 15! I did wonder - the begining of the story seemed a little off to me. I think what really got me was when he didn't realize he had a note on his finger until he looked in the mirror. But as the story went on, I grew more and more impressed. The plot idea is fantastic, and I think this could be drawn out even more in future chapters. 4.5 stars.

This was an interesting story. I am curious why you choose not to continue the story you already wrote, and instead created a new story with the same name and "Part 2". I would guess that the two parts won't always be listed next to each other, and that someone might read the first part and not know a second chapter was written.
Anyway, fascinating dream sequence, and quite descriptive.

Ah - poor kiddo. Will be interesting to see which direction you take this story.

wow - very creepy and well written. Not sure why your rating is so low, but I gave you 4 stars.

btw - once it's easier to read, I'd give it 4.5 stars. :)

I would guess that you wrote this in word and then pasted it here. I've had the same thing happen, and it's maddening. You can try copying it onto word pad or something, then to copying from there to here. I've had that work before. Either that, or go through and redo the paragraphs. One way to make sure you proof read it, I guess! :P I thought it was an awesome piece of work, paragraph problems aside, and think it would be worth re-posting as revised with the paragraphs fixed.

Awesomly creepy! I hate the inuendo (but only because of the thought that a gal might kill her sister). Great writing.

This is very well written. I love the feel of it, and look forward to see what happens next! 5 stars

We have to tie it all up in five chapters???

I will never look at seduction in the same way....

welcome! The great thing about this site is that there are writers in all stages, ao it's a great place to come and get writing tips. Don't be afraid to stink! ;) Neat plot in the chapter you posted.

Welcome! I liked your idea here. It did need a little editing - you changed from present tense to past tense in the middle of the story, and a couple other little things. It didn't have quite the same feel as the last couple chapters, but I'm sure that you'll get it in time. Keep practicing!

Thanks, Darlin' - still waiting for you to get busy... ;)
And yeah, it's best to write what you know, right?

Thanks! You comment like you've never read this before... I pulled it out of a bag I found of old high-school stuff. My all time favorite from back in the days.

Thanks for the tips - you'll notice I waited til Shooter wasn't in the pic before I made my attempt! (and since I have to start at least one fireeach day, the subject drew me like a moth to a flame)

Yeah, sorry about that - I never swore growing up, and it was all I could do to write d*** it in the chapter. Oh well.
I was REALLY curious how you would have used the objects in the bag. I really had to stretch there...

This is such a hoot!

I love it! Very Douglas Adams. :)

Believe it or not, I initially had a different ending entirely - planned on having the fire not take, her give up, go out, see Hughes pulling in the drive - Hughes sees her, she runs back in the house, sees flames dancing down the hall, same ending, but with her wondering if the fire finally took, or if someone else came in...
Anyway, the story wrote itself in a different way, and I really liked the intensity, so didn't want to change it. I may have to do an alternate chapter! lol.

I'm finally done experimenting with pink liqiuds. CoC has a new chapter.

btw, wsells - it was your chapter "Tit for Tat" that got me hooked on this story! You have a great descriptive style. Can't wait to see what you do with this. :)

Y'all got to be kidding me! I was just trying to get something down so I could start writing about setting the fire. I was going to come back and fix this part later! lol. I will say, I have spent the last two days playing with pink liquid, spray bottles and matches, and making my family VERY worried... I've enjoyed the research on this one!

Hey, I liked it - Like the characters you introduced, and the tension that remains. Maybe revise it so it doesn't finish off the day? Or the next person could write in a late night phone call that sends him over the top? I think it's pretty good. 4 stars. :)

I'm up to $0.53. Wahoo! The most I've ever made on my writing! lol I think it has to do with the number of people who are reading your posts, or something. Hopefully someone who knows what they're talking about will answer this... Oh, and try for the contests - that's where the $$ are. :)

This is a very fun idea! I forgot to mention on the last chapter, I loved the description of the routine. It almost felt like the begining of the movie "stranger than fiction". And fun to see how the routine tied in with the yellow. I thought the line about the cow was hilarious. "Leave behind some sort of debris" - that's great. Keep going!

Very well done! I noticed a few errors that likely would have been picked up with editing - the sentance "For all his routine the one thing that he could habit he could never manage develop..." for example, and "live" where it should have been "life". The three doors struck me as odd, too, but I understand where you're trying to go. :)

Added a chapter 3 to Dirty Laundry. I'm hoping someone will mash it, as I'm not sure where it's going at this point. :P

Congrats - I had a feeling this was it! :)

lol - great feeling, isn't it! So, I hate to do this, but check out the forums - the announcements/feedback/questions - then the "wow - I got featured" forum. Tells about how a chapter is picked. ;)

I think it has something to do with Word - we had a lot of trouble with that in the contest.
It was a very interesting story. I liked the feel of the characters.
I noticed that some parts seemed condensed, compared to other parts written in with great attention to detail. The two techniques clashed for me. It also wrapped up a bit too neatly. It was hard to get a feel for your timeline.
You've got a talent for describing the gore. :) I do hope you will add more chapters and stories to the site.

Yes, PLEASE put it back in! I really liked the way it built up in the begining, and bet that you could have done the same with the ending paragraph. It has all the classic chiller, with the great twist of her thinking it was all a hoax. I liked the tempurpedic beds bit. :)

Thank you for the great critiques! While I appreciate all the positive comments, I know I have areas to improve upon. So it was good to finally see some comments on what needed work!
Persephonie - (I meant to reply earlier when I saw your comment, but it's been crazy around here...) Thanks for the feedback. I had kinda hoped you would write a chapter as well, since you started this grand adventure, and I was interested to see how you would finish it! In answer to the contention of the finality of it all, well.... I just figured that Jimmy couldn't have been the only evil gifted person out there, and I suppose thought others would draw the same conclusion. Or maybe it was 2 in the morning, and I was too tired to think straight, and should have waited and edited better before I posted it! lol And thanks for the encouraging comments - I honestly didn't think I had a chance after reading a few of the other chapters!
Honeygloom - no, I couldn't END it. Call me chicken, but I just felt there's a lot more to be told... Eventually. But it does end this part of the adventure. :) I appreciate the input.
Katrina - thank you most of all for the very honest feedback. I do agree with the cheesy dialogue. I haven't written since high school, and am really more of a reader than a writer. This being said, after reading the first nine chapters of this story, I just couldn't wait to see how it ended, and had to make something up myself! :P So, I was sitting there trying to answer all the questions, and knew at the same time that there was too much explaining being spelled out. Oh well. Yes, I was too predictable. I debated on killing Paige, but wound up killing Methra instead. With Franco, well... Iwas sitting there with nine internet tabs open so I could flip through the chapters and try to keep it true to the story. I didn't see Franco as a badass, to be honest. (In fact, had been kinda disappointed to find out he was the Guardian! Made some hard explaining...) I should have bumped the action up a bit.
The only thing I will defend is my choice to make Silent Jimmy speak in the mental battle. See, I envisioned him as silent in the physical realm, but eager to speak his mind in the visions.
Thanks so much for your feedback, and best of luck in the judging.

beautifully written - I like the erotic feel without it being too blatant.

oh - meant to say - love the first line! So true...

interesting

oh, I plan it mash it alright... This and a dozen others or so... As soon as "Ringlets" gives me a break... :P

well, well, well... I have a hard time with the fact that the servants are going to a well when they can get food at the touch of a button in the home. Granted, I see it's for cleaning water, but still...

Aside from that, I enjoyed the chapter. Miss Angie stayed in her over-the-top character. (the tantrum reminded me of a little Miss with ringlets that we both know and love...) Liked the way we find out more about the servants (and I agree, they need some sort of meeting place to dicuss matters, it was just the setting that threw me off...)
As always, your writing was excellent - good descriptions and whatnot. But 12 days between publications is way too long! I know you have more stuff to submit - now get to it! ;)

wow - thank you SO much for the encouragement. In regards to the italics, I was trying to portray what was going on in the mind as well as conversations in the mind, but I imagine it was a bit confusing. But hey, I'll blame that on my rusty skills... :P
Thanks again!

oops - speaking of typos... meant to pluralize paragraph there...

I personally would love to have an honest critique. Granted, I hope there is some positive comment in there as well, but I want to know where I can do better! I have a hard time telling other people where their errors are, because I don't want to hurt people's feelings... However, I agree that when there are a lot of typos, it's very hard to read the story. I ran across a featured chapter the other day that was two massive paragraph, so riddled with typos and run ons, I wound up skimming the last half. Sad thing was, the author had a decent plot, just REALLY didn't know how to write it.
So, yes - critique away!

Well, obviously, time will tell. What I would like to know is - WHY ARE YOU TARGETING ME??? *So* sorry if I did something to offend you!

And maybe if you submitted your own chapters and didn't try to mimick other people's handles, your account wouldn't disappear.

ah - got it. thanks!

Neat storyline! Can't wait to see more.

This started REALLY good. I liked the reasoning for Jimmy's hatred toward Adara. Not Too sure if you were trying to say that Methra was Adara's mother - the Ann in there threw me off. And maybe I totally mis-interpretted it. I had a hard time swallowing the end - Jimmy seemed so powerful mentally, why wouldn't he have looked in her head? It just felt really anti-climatic. Good idea, just needs more polishing. This being said, I am really hoping that you make it in before the deadline! You've got a really good idea - best of luck!

Hey, no headaches here! Your choice of words made me want to read it! lol

I have been trying to figure out the numbers by the comments. What do they mean? I see I can make them go up or down - is that supposed to be a rating of some sort?

had to comment something since I read your post in the forum... ;)

wow - this story just keeps getting crazier! I'm definately tempted to try and mash it, but I doubt I could top you guys - Great stuff!

:) Yeah, I have a four year-old who likes to repeat what I say. She was picking up some pretty interesting slang from daycare, so I got creative... Always good for a laugh. My sis questioned the theology of it, but I feel it's no worse than the proverbial cow, crap or sh... never mind. ;)

I like the way you started this. The title had me curious, as I call on medicare indemnity plans all the time, and I don't see the word indemnity for other purposes, generally. I do hope you will expand on this begining, as it's hard to see where it's going.

Glad you didn't cut too much - when I first read your draft, I was sure I was reading the winning chapter.

Wow - this made me literally laugh out loud, and that is hard to do. Nice work, great writing, and can't wait to see where this story goes!

ah, too many stories have the hero standing strong and fighting. Nice to see one turning tail for a change!

holy boogers!!! You are definately a successful fiction writer, makes me ponder the truth in your intro! ;)
Either way, I sure enjoy your work. :)

I think it helps having it be a competition... ;)

Newbie - what is up with that term? I thought it was so corny when I saw it on the Sims, who knows how many years ago...
Anyway, my real name is Rebekah. I'm 27, mom of three kids, one hubby and one brother-in-law. (and I'd much rather just mother my kids! :P ) I work full time from home calling insurance companies to verify coverage for a podiatry clinic on the other side of the country. Which means a lot of my day is spent staring at my computer screen listening to elevator music... And I also sell candles, so if you need any, let me know! :) http://www.partylite.biz/sites/RebekahT/

How did I find this site? My sister called me up one day gushing about this writing site she had found that had a contest going on and she had gotten a chapter writeen and submitted, and it was so cool because even though the story was kinda gruesome and had characters that swore sometimes, she had found ways to stay in character, and write a pretty good chapter...
(excuse the run on there... she was a bit excited...)
So, when she sent me the link to the site, I had to check it out. And found she did a pretty smash up job, 'cause the chapter she wrote won the round! Congrats Aggeloi! (had to get the proud big sis out of my system)
So then the story was buzzing in my head, and as I'm the kind of person who can't stand to see something unresolved, I had to think up a logical last chapter... And got bit by the writer bug... And found some really awesome pieces of work that kept me entertained while waiting to hear how much of the patient's $5000 deductible had been met...

And now I'm hopelessly addicted to this site, and am so enjoying everyone's work!

Oh, and favorite author is Ted Dekker - I read just about anything good I can get my hands on, but he is my hands down favorite.

Hi X - really enjoying your work so far! And come winter, I'll gladly trade you climates - we're bound to be snowed in from what I hear...

This has got to be the best chapter I've read on this site so far! I'd love to see this as a full book!

Interesting angle! Looking forward to seeing more to the storyline.

(and yes, it's tacky, and yes, just saw that my fingers were moving too fast and I misspelled the, so my credibility is shot...)

okay, here's teh way to remember layed vs. lied...
I don't know about you, but I've never been lied.

What an awesome ending! I really like the direction you took! I had a little trouble swallowing all the grinning and giggling and joking in the midst of the intense re-union/training scenes, but I suppose they could be summed up to the stress of the moment getting to the characters? Anyway, excellent writing, and best of luck to you!

Yeah - I saw that, and I saw it after I read this and thought "Hey, I thought it was Vincent..." So it kinda cemented the name in my mind. Oh well. What are the chances - that's an unusual name!

lol - I don't know that sexy was the direction I was going with it, but glad you liked it. :)

Fascinating turn you took. I wish I could have seen the whole version - could definately tell where the writing had been condensed. It was also interesting to think of the dynamics of how a person moves around mentally. I wouldn't have thought physical walls could stop them, but I suppose one never knows! lol I did see a couple spots that slipped by the editing process, but I know I had a couple in mine, too... The joys of dwelling on a story so long. :) Good luck!

This was a fascinating story - can't wait to read more.

I don't know why, but I had the same thing happen to me. It may be copying from word? That's what I wound up doing with the chapter 10 I did, and it got SO messed up. I thought I had it all fixed, but missed one. Weird that it reverted for you. I just did a chapter on word pad, and the copy and paste didn't seem to effect it. Maybe try that?

I'm not sure how I got two posts of the same thing on here - sorry!

Wow - thanks. The idea popped into my head as I was doing laundry (surprise, surprise...) I have the start of a chapter two in my head, but really need to nail down which direction I want to take.

The restreraunt scene bugged me too, but I thought the rest was good. What did bug me is the name you gave Father Preston - I could have sworn that he was called Vincent somewhere else in the book. (my brother's name was Vincent Preston, so the name stuck in my head.) I just skimmed through the story and can't find it anywhere, so maybe they used the name in an alternate chapter or something. So I do apologize if I'm giving you miss information, but thought you might want to double check that.

Yeah, it was a hard chapter to tackle, and I can't imagine anyone will get every thing resolved 100%. :) Especially with a character limit! I see Aggeloi has already answered the prison issue... Thanks for the welcome, I'm enjoying all the amazing writers around here!

fascinating story - really hard to read. I like the basic plot, but I do think it could use some more editing. And it would be nice to have it broken down into more than one chapter, so it's not all wrapped up in one. But interesting idea. :)

This was so fascinating! I really liked how you humanized Silent Jimmy - gave him a truely understandable reason for becoming such a monster. I was initially hung up on the part about him having a wife and kid because I had been under the impression that he had been in jail since his youth. But then I re-read that chapter and realized it could go a couple different ways. :) One thing I really had trouble with, though, was the line, "The first few he killed by his own hand, applying sins to their faces, mentally avenging the arbitrary deaths of his wife and child..." It had been mentioned in a previous chapter that "Jimmy had blood on his hands, lots of it. The secret was that he had never raised a hand in violence to another person in his entire life." So that threw me a bit.
However, the rest was really good. I especially liked the ending - nice to see that twist with Adara!
All in all, you have an awesome writing style. Good work, and good luck!

Awesome job! I know poetry doesn't *have* to rhyme, but it sure is easier on the eyes and ears when it's a rhythmic as you have presented. And as intense as it was, I loved how the end gave a little humor. (Of course, I have spent the last 8 years reading Suess to my kids, and enjoy the style.) I liked the lymerick, too! ;)

thanks - and it was great to see a comment that was a: about the chapter, and b: a positive comment that didn't come from someone expecting a christmas present from me this year... ;)

Seriously, I would love to get more feedback in areas to work on, since I seem to have been bit by the writer bug, and have all sorts of chapter ideas in my head. Can't wait to see other entries and which way this story will wind up going.

ok - this was a funny one. I like the old fashioned, futuristic feel (a bit of an oxymoron always does wonders for a story.) It was an interesting shift - granted, I haven't done too much exploring here, but so far all the stories I've read were kinda dark. (granted, that's been a whole four or five, along with blurbs of the featured chapter...) Anyway, fun to see something light, nice to see that there is some depth being introduced a the end, as the begining felt, well, maybe TOO slapstick. However, odd as they may be, you have some well formed characters. I like the way Shari led Miss Angie into the idea of talking to her father - I need to take lessons on that... Anyway, hope to see more!

I really liked this version. Granted, the ***** spots tripped up the reading, because my mind wants to fill in the blanks which distracts me from the sotryline. I did find it out of character for Jimmy to speak. Maybe the initial utterance, but it just didn't feel right. However, I did like the way you answered the questions. And I really liked Adara's fight at the end. Good luck.

Wow! That's incredible! This seems to be tying everything together beautifully. Can't wait to see the end!

Well, I would hope she knew I was a girl, since she's my sister! lol. And yes, the first comment I made was on her work, because she introduced me to the site. I suppose I should be flattered at your insinuation, as I think she's an awesome writer, and I haven't written in about a decade. Oh well.

This is such a neat chapter - I love it where she's arguing, just for the sake of arguing. And the "water to water, drops to drops.." was fun.

Wow! What a way to wrap that up! You managed to answer all the questions, and keep me glued to the computer screen. :) I was glad you used Brandon - When I had seen that earlier in the story, I hadn't realized it was a different character, just thought someone messed up and misspelled Barton. Cleared that one up for me! lol. And very cool to have Charlie turn on Jimmy like that. Wow. Good luck! You have my vote.

Thanks! I have much more to go, but it was midnight, and had to get up at 5 to work... :S I haven't really written much since high school, so this has sure been a blast!

Wow, what a great contrast between the tutor's family and Alex's sitaution.