Discussion of "A Modern Horror -4" by shadinah

Woah - creepy! I love this look into the chaotic mind. Bizarre.

I liked the discussion between women at the beginning - a little more insight into Johnny Ray, as well as a view of how shaken these parents are, how worried they are about all this.

The funky lines of code at the beginning always happens when copying and pasting from Word, but it can be deleted without harming anything.

I particularly liked the "insert proverb" line - apparently I'm not the only one who leaves notes to self in works in progress :)

The tone is good! I did get a little lost in that last paragraph - breaking it up into two or three smaller paragraphs will make it less daunting to the eyes. I also didn't get a very clear picture of what was happening in the physical world - is Billy dead, so Johnny is plotting the nabbing of the next kid? Or is this more of backstory to explain how Johnny started nabbing kids in the first place? I'm on the edge of my seat to know if Billy is still alive, though I suppose that's a good place to leave the reader in a thriller... :)

I like the new additions! The interaction between Johnny and his grandpa show the current stressors causing him to act out, and the Trina scene fleshes out her backstory while giving her new motives to move forward. You had some excellent wordsmithing moments in that paragraph in particular, too. And a great cliffhanger ending - go ahead and publish!

This is good, Shadinah. I love the deeper insight into the mind of our baddie - investing reader emotion in him adds greatly to the overall story. Well done.

As this is unfinished, I'm not certain whether you are planning on putting other sections in. I, for one, would love to see what is happening with Trina at this point as she is one of the major characters in the story. (There are other characters I'd like to see as well, but naming them might influence your chapter and I don't want to do that.) :D

Overall, well done. Looking forward to seeing this finished.

Wow! I'm scared mommy, why do I always have to play with the smart girls? Why can't I follow around someone like me? LOL...

You are a very hard act to follow, shad; but, I love the challenge.. ;o). This is excellent - truly. Loved the opening conversation between Emily and Katie, the Trina scene (especially the resolve to take action - that gives me some ideas for my chapter) and the look into Johnny's situation and physche.

I think I know what characters JD was talking about and I'm kind of glad you didn't get to them in this chapter...more/better opportunity for me...:o)

Hey, shadinah - please publish. I'm starting on my chapter and if you're going to make changes, I need to know...;o).

sorry to be so slow - I have good intentions of finishing tonight...

I love the imagery here. The acid, the white robe... very powerful what you did with them.

There is so much going on with this story line, but you handled all of the avenues well.

Wow, shadinah...you really upped the ante from your last draft to this final...lol. Good thing I wasn't too far along in my chapter! Great job here and as usual a very hard act to follow...but, I'm on it...;o)