any time... I felt bad bring up areas that had already been commented on, but I also felt it best to give a clear explination of my vote, since it actually counts for something this time. Keep up the good work, and keep trying on the contests!

I meant to comment on this last week, but things got so hectic... Anyway, awesome job! I love how you do the accents - it really brings the characters to life. And can't wait to see what happens with the eggs. Five stars!

I just read the comments I had jotted down as I read this, and I'm sorry up front that they are rather negative.

The first paragraph interrupted the flow from the last chapter. The fact that it's the town mayor was just stated at the end of chapter two. Also, in chapter 2, she walked to the bus stop, so the rear-view mirror felt off. Also, the grocery mart was quoted as being a half a mile, and now you’ve made it a mile and a half.

I liked the aspect of Pete being her ally. I am quite curious about what “everyone’s in on…” However, the rogue agency has a unbelievable feel to it – one agent or two, maybe, but everyone? Including everyone in the town?

It's an interesting angle, and if was standing alone, you'd be getting a much higher score. But with it needing to flow well with the previous two chapters, I'm rating it 2.5.

Very eerie beginning – keeps the flow of the last two chapter.

One typo in the sentence “…Amy and his mother…”

I think that the sentence “As I watched them watching me, I realized they were the same kids that I had thought I imagined across the street” could be re-written. It borderlines on being a run-on. And the next sentence as well – too many “thought”s and “imagine”s too close together. It would have been more potent to say “The children watching me were the same ones I had imagined before. Maybe I hadn’t imagined them.” Or something to that effect.

I liked the cliff-hanger, and would love to see where this is going. It’s a little short, but well written.

I rate it 4.3

The bus arrived fairly quickly, a little too convenient. I had a hard time buying that the mayor would give up that easily.
“‘I have to act natural,’ I reminded myself…” could be rewritten “I reminded myself to act natural” to help the flow.
I liked the Pavlov’s dog simile.
Ten minutes seemed a long time to be finally leaving the town. A few minutes would seem more realistic.
I’m not sure why it took so long for the sheriff to catch up with her, but did like the twist there.
I think you should have used “laid” instead of “lied” when she’s on the cot in the cell. “Lied” implies that she is not telling the truth.
I really liked the implication that she had been through an arrest before, likely more than once.
I don’t think you needed the “Well” in the sentence “Well morning came…” It would have had a good impact starting with “Morning came…”
I liked how the history of Ms. B’s names and rap sheet gave a good taste of her background, while bringing about more questions.
I don’t think that the mirror paragraph was necessary, but I did like the resolve that she came away with in the next paragraph.
I don’t believe she came across as “an elderly lady” in the first couple paragraphs, so the description here was rather jarring. We have the hint that she was married a dozen years before, but I would have guessed her to be more middle age than elderly.
There were several spots that needed some editing, but over all, it was a fascinating angle.

I rate it 3.7

Great description in the line “His smile was still bright enough to make up for the insufficient light being given off by the flickering street lights above where we stood.” Also good description of the lines of his fingers disappearing from her arm, though it struck me as odd that her arm would be bare. She has just been walking half a mile on a cold night – wouldn’t she be wearing a coat?

I question your choice of words when the mayor “fell hard to the floor…” I feel that “floor” indicates being inside. And I think that I would not have drawn the conclusion that the bus driver had seen what had happened. If she had, wouldn’t a natural response be to stop and see what was going on? I realize she is later revealed to be an antagonist, but we don’t know that at this point.

I also question why Ms. B would hang up on her contact when the bus stops. Seems like it would be more logical to keep the line open.

I rate this a 3.5

I like the flashback to Chomsky’s advice – so far the only impression I’d had of him was that of a partying drunkard, so I liked being reminded that he had a good side.

The food drive was a great twist. My only concern is that she looks back at the “eerily silent throng of children”, with no surprise that they had re-appeared after disappearing at the end of chapter two. However, it sure was a great line! That whole scene was so creepy – I really liked the feel of it.

Another issue – she’s Ms., not Mrs.

I love the idea of Jake stowing away on the bus, but not quite sure I believe that the bus driver didn’t notice his boarding. I assume the driver is an agent, too? I do see where you wrote that the center doors opened – maybe the driver could have pulled him out of the stairwell instead of from behind Ms. B’s seat?

The scene with all the agents was excellent – gave us a little breath before hitting us with the next twist that she’s been living in a “ghost” town for the past year. And with the vanishing Jake, and Amy’s criptic message - I can’t wait to see where this is going!

I rate it 4.5.

Interesting angle, having her play along. It was well written – though not as gripping as I would have liked.

I rate it 4.5

I liked the description of her past names – it felt very plausible.

“My first thought, my gut intuition, screamed – Attack! Long ago I’d learned that my “gut” was almost always right. A physical attack would be my best – hell, my only defense.” I think you could condense this to start “My gut instinct screamed…” Most people would know exactly what you’re talking about, and it gets more to the point.

I was slightly confused at her initial decision to run after her gut was telling her to attack. If that was her conclusion, wouldn’t her gut have screamed “Run!” I was thinking fight OR flight. It was good to see the change in plans, and I liked the turn around there.

The collision with Pete was great, and I was really glad to see him brought in as an ally. The description of her fight with him was wonderful. I also liked the banter about the ID, and her struggle with the desire to trust him.

The blizzard angle is an interesting one – gives a good reason for the delay of backup. However, I would have liked to have more hints that the snow was starting to fall somewhere in the beginning, because the line about the snowy yard felt too sudden.

I’m not sure if the description of the outside of the house was needed. Between that and the background of Pete and Jessie, I was starting to loose the feel of the story. However, the turn with the empty house and candle on the table brought back the creepy feel. And the pamphlet was just eerie. It was an interesting twist to have Wilkes (or his wife, at least) involved. Not to mention the questions we now have about Pete.

All in all, it was very well written. I rate it a 4.

The Unknown 3: Horror Show by dogdeity11

The begining lost me for a bit, but once I caught on, I was quite impressed. It seems a rather jarring change of scene. However, you kept the deliciously creepy feel. I loved the line “Msssssss B. Are you in there? Mssssss Beeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeee. Come out and plaaaaaay-e-aaaa.” And the “little puffs of ghostly breath…” Wow.

I’m not sure I liked the phrase “felt my eyelids growing weak…” I know heavy/heavier would be the most typical term, and I’m guessing you wanted to avoid the typical, but “weak” felt, well, weak.

I’m glad you filled us in on what happened between the end of chapter two and the beginning of chapter three, and thought your use of the tense change was rather masterful. This was one of the best pieces of horror I’ve read in a while! And kudos making the kids the villians – I had hinted toward that in my chapter, but haven’t seen too many that have gone this direction!

There were a couple spots with incorrect punctuation. (sorry, was raised with an editing nazi of a mother…) However, it was such a gripping story, I couldn’t stop reading! This was easily my favorite entry.

I rate it a 5.