Quiet solitude! That is how I describe my existence as I sit in my upstairs window, leaning out to hear the sounds of the night. Nothing! Not a sound. The only thing that I hear is the the lonliness in my heart as I relive that dreadful night not so long ago.
Janie, my wife lays in the next room sleeping. We have not had a meaningful conversation in months. We are strangers now, destined to live together yet alone. She still blames me for what happened. My presence only increases the pain that she feels.
The day that I speak of, is the day my son was killed. A car accident took his life on what was to be a most special day, and it was until that fatal moment when our lives changed forever.
It was January 7th. Tyler and I were going to see our favorite basketball team, the Lakers, play the Phoenix Suns. We had recently won the tickets from a local radio contest in which the seats were right behind the Lakers bench. It was an exciting day. We got V.I.P. treatment, back stage passes, got to meet our favorite players. It was perfect! Until the ride home.
At the game, I had a beer with some nachos but was anything but intoxicated, however others at the game were. It happened as we were crossing El Segundo Blvd. when our car was T-boned by a drunk driver, speeding through a red light. I can stll hear the terrible sound of brakes screeching, then Tyler screaming. I happens over and over again in slow motion. Laughter...Screeching...Screams...Silence!
The investigation that followed cleared me of any wrongdoing. I was not intoxicated and following the rules of the road while another motorist, who was 3x over the legal limit, ran a red light which totaled my car and my life.
Since that time, my mental state has been fragile. I find it difficult to leave the house. I fear everything. Most of my days are spent just wandering the house. I feel I have to remember that day. What could I have done different? Turn left. Turn right. What could have changed the outcome? Back and forth, back and forth my thoughts go as I pace through the halls. Staring out the window. Watching life pass me by as everything that once was is now gone.
Janie and I never speak. She comes and goes, spending a lot of time with her parents, just north of San Francisco. She never invites me. I figure that she just needs time. I try to talk to her, but she just stares at me blankly, not really listening and then walking away without saying a word. I think about divorce but I have always been old fashioned and believe in the vows of "Till Death Due Us Part". Besides if I lost her, I would regret it. She is all that I have left to cling to in this world. Someday, maybe reconciliation will happen, but for now, our pain is neverending.