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Discussion of "Thou Shalt Not Kill - Tick Tock Tick Tock (Rev.)" by rocklee11416


1 rocklee11416 6 years, 1 month ago Reply

sorry expression i just couldn't come up with anyway to make the dialouge more realistic. I changed a word or two in the diaglouge and thats it sorry. sorry


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1 rocklee11416 6 years, 1 month ago Reply

Once again please don't vote without leaving a reason. Give me what-ever criticism you want, just please comment. I would like my writing to get better!!!!!


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1 expressionarchitect 6 years, 1 month ago Reply

Rocklee:

This was better, however it still failed to drive the action forward. Yes, now we know that Adara is going to try to use her dreams to help the victims or find the killer, but still there's no definite action. I do like the closing line...very eerie and easy to pick up and run with, however I don't feel like there was anything else that could be expanded on.

And yes, the dialogue is still an issue to me. It's just very unnatural. I can't see a character (as he's been portrayed so far) like Miguel talking like that. The priest is not quite as far fetched, but still a little over the top.

“We must do something, and we must do it now. If your life is important to you then you and I must figure a way out of the wrath of....them"---This, to me, seems like there's more to it than just the phrase. Who is "them"? Is Fr. Preston convinced that some sinister force is against him and Miguel? Or is it simply them as in other people that are judging the situation? If it's the former, maybe italicize or bold them, showing that it's being used in a different context then usual.

They must be taken down soon, and heres how we'll do it......"---Here again, is 'they' the sinister force? If so, italicize.

One other thing I would suggest is taking out the line that Miguel says about Nona, unless it's apparent somewhere in THIS chapter that Miguel had something to do with it. I honestly can't see him knowing those details.

I hope I've helped and not pissed you off and if I have, I'm very sorry. My vote is a 3 on this one as well.


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1 rocklee11416 6 years, 1 month ago Reply

No. you haven't pissed me off. I agree with you on the most part...but there one thing that I'm a little off with. It seems to me that in order for this story to move along someone has to die... Adara is going to go meet the lady whom she saw die the last night...There's plenty of places to go with that. Any number of clues can come up from her visit. Also in the beginning Miguel states he has a plan including rather new aquantences of Father Preston... wouldn't Adara fit perfectly in to that description due to the word rather? Perhaps the plan would go off right away.. Well I'll quickly do one last revision and hope i can make it before 8 and at least allow someone to read it. Thanks for reading again! Don't down-vote this or the other one, for the next revision is gona make the story slightly different!!!


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1 expressionarchitect 6 years, 1 month ago Reply

rocklee:

To be completely honest with you, I think I missed a few of those parts. I apologize. I went back and re-read it and I do believe you are right that there are several directions the next writer could take this.

One quick tip for the rewrite: proofread. You have a few typos which I've noticed have been hit hard by some of the judges in previous rounds.

Good luck!


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