THIS IS AN EPIC TALE OF A BATTLE. A TALE OF STRUGGLE, PAIN AND TRIUMPH AND A BATTLE OF SUCH PROPORTIONS THAT I HAVE DECIDED TO SHARE IT WITH ALL OF YOU. IT WAS A DAY JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY. THE BIRDS WERE CHIRPING, THE SQUIRRELS WERE SCAMPERING TO AND FRO AND HE WAS WATCHING THE RICKY LAKE SHOW. AS HE WATCHED AN INARTICULATE, HOMOSEXUAL CIRCUS CLOWN DANCE HIS DANCE, A FEELING CAME OVER HIM. HE HAD EATEN SOME GENERAL TSO'S BEEF EARLIER AND HE GUESSED THAT THIS WAS IT'S VENGENCE. HIS STOMACH GURGLED AND HE LET OUT SOME BOISTEROUS FLATULATION. HE KNEW WHAT WAS COMING NEXT, SO HE JOGGED UP THE STEPS TO THE BATHROOM. HE LIFTED THE SEAT AND SAT DOWN. AS HE PUSHED, HIS SHPINCER MUSCLE WAS ABLE TO PUSH OUT MORE GAS, BUT THERE WAS NO EXCREMENT. HE PUSHED MORE AND MORE, BUT STILL NOTHING. HE SAT UP THERE FOR ABOUT AN HOUR, STRUGGLING TO NO AVAIL. SO HE GAVE UP. HE WIPED WHAT HE COULD AND WENT BACK TO WATCHING RICKY. HE TRIED AGAIN LATER ON, BUT STILL NOTHING. DAYS AND DAYS PASSED, BUT HE WAS ONLY ABLE TO PUSH IT OUT A LITTLE BIT. SO ONE DAY, HE TOLD HIS MOTHER ABOUT THIS AFFLICTION AND SHE SAID, "SON, WHAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCING IS CONSTIPATION." HE ASKED HER WHAT HE COULD DO. SHE TOLD HIM TO DRINK SOME HOT WATER. HE DID SO, BUT THE RESULTS WERE MINISCULE. SHE ENTERED THE BATHROOM TO FIND HIM TRAVAILING VIGOROUSLY. HE ASKED TO HOLD HER HAND. HE GRABBED IT AND LET OUT A YELL FULL OF PAIN AND ANGUISH. AS HE ROARED, IT BEGAN TO MOVE! HE SQUEEZED HARDER AND YELLED LOUDER AND THEN, "gaDUNK", IT WAS OVER. HE HUGGED HIS MOTHER AND LOOKED INTO THE PORCELAIN BASIN IN WHICH HE AND DISCOVERED A CUE BALL SIZED LUMP OF POOP IN IT. HE WONDERED TO HIMSELF, "HOW THE **** DID I MAKE THAT?", BUT THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE. NEVER HAD HE BEEN SO RELIEVED. THE NEXT TASK WAS GETTING IT TO FLUSH DOWN THE DRAIN. THIS WOULD BE SIMPLE. HE MERELY GOT A WIRE HANGER AND DISTORTED IT INTO A SWORD OF SORTS. HE THEN THRUSTED THE HANGER INTO THE LUMP UNTIL IT BROKE INTO SMALLER PARTICLES. IT THEN FLUSHED WITH EASE. HE WAS VICTORIOUS!!! HE HAD CONQUERED HIS BOWELS. WHEN ALL WAS FINISHED, HE WENT RIGHT BACK TO WHERE HE STARTED. HE GRABBED AN A&W CREAM SODA, SAT DOWN AND WATCHED RICKY LAKE. THUS CONCLUDES THE TALE.