Discussion of "October Chill: Cemetery" by rjay115

COMMENT... please!!!!!

rj --
Congratulations/I'm sorry. You're the [un]fortunate recipient of my rant as to why I'm nervous to comment on stories that don't float my boat. Are you the kind of thick-skinned writer who can endure actual constructive criticism without turning around and torpedoing down the stories of the critic? Or do you forego the opportunity to let strong emotions (good or bad) penetrate your writing in favor of steering those feelings into tanking someone else's chapter without owning up to your vote?

The entire first chapter is unnecessary. No need to recap everything that occurred one mouse click ago. Scrap it. The next paragraph starts to develop Fredrick, but he's generic. Watch TV, pump gas, shower. What an opportunity to separate Fredrick from the general masses. What does he do differently? Where's the hook that won't let me go? Again, you have some throwaway sentences ("Maybe I was just being paranoid." "I wanted to know what was going to happen before it did.") How do they add to the tension? The drive? Rather, they remind me that I'm merely a reader, an outside observer. I want to be in the street as Fredrick sets up his decorations; I _don't_ want to be turning the pages of a book about Fredrick. It's permissible (but not easy) to provide his thoughts without it feeling like exposition.

Reread your story and pull anything that doesn't provide new insight, push the characters down the plot road, or flesh out detail. I'm not saying to publish it as that skeleton, but take a look at what's left. Now take your paintbrush and embellish some colors. Establish your tone early and stich with your palette.

Inspect your dialog - how many times is a listening audience captive enough to let three questions roll by without a comment? Unless Ms. Barran is a busybody chatterbox, in which case Fredrick would handle her differently. Hold a conversation. Use non-verbal responses from time to time. Subtext - answer the question without using words that answer the question. Layer your speakers. Record conversations between your parents, your friends, sitcom characters on TV. Listen to speech patterns. A little sarcasm does a page well. A lot of sarcasm creates tension that makes people even more believable. Give your characters individual voices - what makes the lines spoken any different if the speakers were reversed? What makes Janet unique? She's "attractive," but how? If Fredrick always believed she was in love with him and (but?) he finds her attractive, what's the deal-breaker?

I'm oddly bothered by the casual mention of the rapes and murders of his kids and wife. He states it with as much pain/suffering/nightmares as someone who lost their appetite because they found an eggshell in their omelet. Inconvenient. Not horrific. Those are a life-shattering events. George Smith writes them out in his letter nonchalantly as well. They're not people. They're characters. They need to be people. I need to care that Mary was scared and doomed. I need to fear the carjacker. While I don't want all the lurid details, I do need to feel something substantive (disgust - shame - sadness) about their dreadful fate. Fredrick recalls it almost flippantly, which doesn't spur me to invest my emotions either. Great stories often open doors for catharsis. Let me experience your story. Show. Don't tell.

You have enough balls to take on a chapter that's being redone by a bevy of quality writers. You have the chutzpah to solicit comments. Where do you go from here?

In the interest of transparency, I voted for your story and I gave it a 2. Should you read and dislike my mashes, please have the decency to state why you're voting it to oblivion.

-- Nash

Nash,

Thanks so much for your constructive critism. I really appreciate it. I am glad you had the decincy to do it. I completely understand where your coming from. I thought some of the same things as I was reading it. I will take everything to mind while revising it.

I am really thankful that someone like you actually told me what I needed to hear..but keep in mind it may not "float your boat" because I am only 13 years old. I am expirenced and unexpirenced as well in writing.

Total Honesty:
While I was writing this I rushed, I will admit. I have to say when I read this comment of yours, I was a little hurt that you didn't like it as much..but now I see where you were coming from.

Thanks again!

-Rachel J. Lovato

Rjay --

Happy to hear no spirits were crushed and I hope you'll keep writing. For 13, you've got some talent. I didn't kick in much until college, and even that is almost two decades back for me.

Note: Be wary revealing your name online. While experience is a key to good writing, identity theft, predators, and the other garbage you hear about are experiences you should never have to endure.

Keep writing!

-- Nash

Hi Rjay! I'm really impressed with your writing, for someone so young I think it's really good. I don't have too much to add that Nash didn't already say. One thing that helps me with dialogue (and yes, this is really silly, but it works)is to read it out-loud after I write it. Kind of like acting it out. Try to throw your emotions behind it a little, if you can't, if you have a heard time making yourself believe it, then maybe it still needs some tweaking.

Also, be careful not to write stuff purely for the shock value. I know this is a horror story, but as Nash said, the last part about the car jacking and rape seemed really flipant. As if it were thrown in just to make the reader gasp. From a plot perspective, if George had actually signed his name to the note he left, he probably be on death row. And a note like that is something Frederick would never forget. Again, try to put yourself into it a little. How would you feel if that had happened to someone you loved, would you ever forget that note? Probably not.

The best advice I can give you is read, read, read, nothing helps a writer more than reading:)

I've been writing since I was a kid too and I have certainly learned a lot over the years. Some from reading and a lot from really good teachers. You've got a great attitude and your willingness to accept criticism and grow as a writer are comendable.

Defintely keep writing and good luck!