want to participate?
login or register

Discussion of "The Unknown: Chapter 2" by raspberrywafer

2 Aggeloi 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Excellent entry! You moved forward quickly and brought a lot to the story, even while giving us a little bit more about Ms. B's past. Loved her interactions with Amy, as well as the changes happening to poor Amy 'since Halloween.' And the curiously young cemetary - you're giving the next writer some real meat to work with! I give it a 4.5 - good luck!

  hidden comment from Aggeloi with score of 2
2 raspberrywafer 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Thanks so much. This is my first time contributing on StoryMash, and I was really trying to move the story forward without breaking with the mood and character set by the first chapter.

  hidden comment from raspberrywafer with score of 2
2 Wandering_Rian 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

I like it. It added a very nice story element and something fun to play with for future chapters.

The only issue I have with it, and it is small, is that it felt like the original interest in the tombstone (to find an identity to steal and hide in) was forgotten. Although, that may change after a few more readings.

That being said, I think it may be my favorite so far. I'm going to go with 3.5

Oh, and welcome!

  hidden comment from Wandering_Rian with score of 2
2 theblackhand 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

I liked this entry. This will be a good mash for the next writer. Good luck to you.

  hidden comment from theblackhand with score of 2
2 writerwannabe 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Geesh...another brand spankin' new member to SM comes along and writes an opustanding piece as an introduction. Will it ever end? LOL...Just kiddin'...about the...well, you know. Seriously, a very well written and plotted chapter. Excellent follow-on to the first chapter, you maintained the voice and tone. You moved the story forward and left it perfectly for any number of mashes. Great work! My vote: 3.5 OH, and Welcome to SM...;o)

  hidden comment from writerwannabe with score of 2
2 writerwannabe 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

"opustanding"? Accidental. Fat fingers. But a pretty neat word, huh? I meant "outstanding" of course...lol

  hidden comment from writerwannabe with score of 2
2 zatoichi 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Very well done. There are quite a few possibilities with this setup and it could go anywhere. The pace of the story was was great and it left off with a good revelation to the story.

  hidden comment from zatoichi with score of 2
2 shadinah 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

You wrote this beautifully! I liked the way you brought in the memory of the husband and daughter so naturally, and the mystery surrounding Amy. The young cemetary was creepy, and left a great angle to work off of. My only beef was the timeline in the begining - it just felt a little off to have her showering right before lunch time. I guess I correlate having a restless night to rising early, but that's just my take! Anyway, great job - 4.5 stars

  hidden comment from shadinah with score of 2
3 crystalfoo 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Welcome to SM! Your chapter is nicely written, and you had a unique idea with the graveyard of youth. That brings up interesting questions. There are some filler passages like the shower scene, the mother coming for her child, the flashback to Lucy, that weren't necessary. Or I should say, in the right place. You want to grab the reader right away, so shower scenes and flashbacks are not the best place to start. Dialogue, and/or action is the place to start. The chapter would have been stronger had you opened with the graveyard scene (early Sat. morn?). After her sudden realization that all the dead in the cemetary are young, it would have been more profound to hear Amy telling Ms. B that she no longer sleeps, that something is wrong with her. Ms. B and the reader would suddenly begin to see little Amy headed for the cemetary and it would have been an easier connection to make. Overall, you did a fine job of mashing chapter one! I give it a 3 and I'm looking forward to reading more from you in the future! Foo

  hidden comment from crystalfoo with score of 3
2 wolfram 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Welcome to Storymash! I love the way new authors introduce themselves by jumping right into the contest without fanfare. :) (That's how I started too.) I liked your entry, though I think you should have started a little earlier - what happened after Jake uttered his line to her? What made her night restless?
You have an attractive writing style - I liked these lines especially: "Like me, they were silent mostly, watching from where they lay. Like me, they were shells now, all memories and no life. And like me, they had lost something dear."

I also wonder why you made the "young graveyard" twist 30 years and younger. With all the latitude and one 3 year old grave to work from, why not make it really shocking - like nobody over 15 years old was buried there? Or 10 years old?
Nitpicking aside, a great entry. 4.0

  hidden comment from wolfram with score of 2
1 hebe6405 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

This is constructed very well. Amy's mom seems a little weird - if Amy came by foot, why did her mom come by car? Also, as lunch wasn't yet on the table, how did she know that to be the reason Amy was there? I guess it could be explained as a limitation of 1st person POV... It's one of those questions... like why would someone want to have lunch at a place called suBURPia (the caps are mine)???
Creepy fun.

  hidden comment from hebe6405 with score of 1
1 honeygloom 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Wow! Very creepy;) And you totally smacked me over the head with it too. Very nice twist! You opened up a ton of questions: some inbred congenital disease? town made a deal with the devil? are aliens involved? scientific experiments? I honestly wish it had been a little longer and that you would have moved the plot along just a bit more. You kind of glossed over Jake and his jaw dropping statement and Ms. B’s original reason for going to the cemetery seemed to be dropped as well. Overall I loved the twist but I would have liked more advancement.

  hidden comment from honeygloom with score of 1
1 Katrina 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Proofread, proofread, proofread!

Your chapter was a little slow-starting. I truly got interested when Amy starts telling about how she can't sleep, etc. That was sufficiently strange and creepy.

This chapter has a nice ending.

Overall, I like it, but I feel like you could have given us more in terms of characterization.

Good job!

  hidden comment from Katrina with score of 1
Add Comment