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All Comments by raspberrywafer

6 comments
2 raspberrywafer 5 years, 5 months ago Context

I really liked the writing style and the story you were telling - It looks like it's going to a really interesting place. The only thing was I occasionally had to scroll back up and reread a bit - but I think that's mostly because you switched perspectives at one point, which can certainly work.

Nice.


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1 raspberrywafer 5 years, 5 months ago Context

So fun. The only thing that really irked me was that Jake's parents didn't know who she was. As his former teacher, they should have known, or there should have been a reason why they didn't.

But I really liked the going to the cave, and the mentioning of it supposedly being haunted - that made me feel like you could later tie in more weird unexplainable stuff. You've certainly given the next writer a lot to work with.


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2 raspberrywafer 5 years, 5 months ago Context

That's some great writing. The character has a really strong voice, I feel like I know him already. And the descriptions were great. I don't know who killed these people, or why, but I already feel myself getting angry with them. Nice.

The only thing I would note is that I was curious after the first chapter to learn more about Ms. B...but I guess it will be up to the writer after this chapter to do some investigating into that.


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1 raspberrywafer 5 years, 5 months ago Context

Ooh, I really like the cryptic messages being left for her. They're creative and not at all typical of threats. I feel like she's going to uncover something big. Nice.


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1 raspberrywafer 5 years, 5 months ago Context

Nice. I really like how you took the time to delve deeper into her mysterious career. It has a good pace too: fast, without lacking for description.

Also, I'm with Eternal_Flame...that phone call leaves me really curious as to what's going to happen next.


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2 raspberrywafer 5 years, 5 months ago Context

Thanks so much. This is my first time contributing on StoryMash, and I was really trying to move the story forward without breaking with the mood and character set by the first chapter.


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