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probabilitest

Date Joined: June 23, 2008
Last Login: July 5, 2008

11 Comments by probabilitest

10 most recent / all comments
1 probabilitest 6 years, 2 months ago Context

You moved through the tight curves of this story with a steady hand.
Might want to have the razor blades cutting her lungs.
The ending made me smile.
Click on my name and check out:Climate of Fear, a
novel in progess.


  hidden comment from probabilitest with score of 1
1 probabilitest 6 years, 2 months ago Context

The physical context is easy to see. The contrast between the joy around her and the stone within is well articulated.

Suggestion: She turns him into a beetle.

Keep writing.

Click on my name a check out Climate of Fear, a novel in progress.


  hidden comment from probabilitest with score of 1
1 probabilitest 6 years, 2 months ago Context

Consistant energy of forward motion.
It is worth rewriting, about three times.
I would rework the examples in the opening paragraph. Needs more contrast between the events.
Nice ending with potential for everything from aliens to Earth spys.
I am dyslexic and struggle with typos. I have learned the slow, hard way that it pays to rewrite until you are saying what you mean.


  hidden comment from probabilitest with score of 1
1 probabilitest 6 years, 2 months ago Context

"thinning hair, and a growing waistline."
(could be me)
funny, good contrast

"Drug Store Rainbows"

"The Doctor is IN"

"Talena stood outside the door and looked around."
I was confued. Was she at the drug store or the doc's? It appears you were hoping to interest the reader with unanswered questions. I would have left out, "The Doctor is IN," or, "Talena stood outside the doctor's door and looked around."

Your ending wash great. Good mash potential.

I learned once again that hooks come in many shapes and sizes.


  hidden comment from probabilitest with score of 1
1 probabilitest 6 years, 2 months ago Context

This is a correction:Lao Tsu


  hidden comment from probabilitest with score of 1
2 probabilitest 6 years, 2 months ago Context

Critique works best with the sandwich method. Offer a positive comment.
Offer a carefully worded negative comment.
Offer a positive closing comment.
Pick the best positives and the most instructive of the negatives.
Do not slaughter.
Do not coddle.
It works best when the recipiant feels that the comments can be put to use immediately. Signing off with an insight you got from someone else tells the recipiant that you to want to learn.
So here is mine. "When the project is done the people will say,'We did this ourselves,'" Loa Tsu


  hidden comment from probabilitest with score of 2
1 probabilitest 6 years, 2 months ago Context

Get up early. Try 5:30 A.M.
It worked for Hemmingway.
John Updyke does it.
I just started two weeks ago, and I love it.
If your scheduel allows - give it a shot.


  hidden comment from probabilitest with score of 1
1 probabilitest 6 years, 2 months ago Context

Fun and funny ending.


  hidden comment from probabilitest with score of 1
1 probabilitest 6 years, 2 months ago Context

I am new to this site. I feel some of the commentary is outstanding, and I will recommend the site to other writers. Thank you one and all for your robust participation.


  hidden comment from probabilitest with score of 1
1 probabilitest 6 years, 2 months ago Context

Silver, I am not an English major so I may have missed somthing in my telling of the story: "Climate of Fear." It appears to me that it is all in third person. I would appreciate learning what you mean by "wandering point of view." Sincerely, Probabilitest


  hidden comment from probabilitest with score of 1

2 Chapters by probabilitest