Discussion of "Thou shall not kill - honor thy father and mother" by powerfulpen

Interesting twist.

I LOVE the fact that you picked up on the meaning of the name Nona! It brings alot of dimension to the plot. (You are the first person to realize this! Kudos!) I like the retrospect into her life and the "murders" she witnessed and testified against. I like the vision in the closing scene...a peek at the killer's life, I think. Nicley done!

Thank you. I have been dying for some feedback from anyone using this site. I really want to break into the field of writing. I loved your story and find you truly gifted. You have an extraordinary way with words.

You are most welcome! And again, I love that youtook time to explore the meaning of Nora's name. I actually looked in a book of baby names for meanings to all of my character's names and hoped that someone would be gifted enough to see the underlying messages. Keep up the good work!

Wow! That's all I can really say...is wow! It seems you took the time to do some research for this! It's amazing! I love all the meanings of nine, whether intended by the original author or not, it really works well into the plot! Great job!

In what language is 'Nona' nine? I tried Spanish, Italian and Latin.

Its origin is Latin.

Excellent expressive language! The visual words allowed me to pretend that I was living the story. I felt as if I was the third character experiencing the drama. I like the Dante reference and the connection near the end with the three-headed dog. I can not wait to find out what will occur next.

Very good story ....... good use of descriptive language e.g. fiqures of speech metaphores and similes. Ending piqued reader's curiosity wanting to know what will happen next....... waiting for chapter 3

There were a couple things that bothered me about this chapter and couple of things I really liked. Bad news first I guess… while Adara/Aldra is a psychiatrist, she seems to put a lot of importance on more astrology-like means of analysis. Of course I realize she is different from most psychiatrists in that she experiences what appear to be prophetic dreams and may be inspired by those experiences to delve into more alternative methods of analysis, but as a medical professional it seems irresponsible to apply that knowledge to patients. Also, unless I’m missing something, Nona is actually the 10th victim, as in Persephonie’s story she looks around to see 9 other women hanging on crucifixes. So, again, unless I missed it, there really isn’t anything significant to the story in the number nine. To me, parts about nine and the Enneagram (although interesting) seemed heavy handed and a distraction from the story.
What I did really like was what you did at the end with Adara having a vision of what I assume to be the killer as a young boy. What a great way to continue her journey into this mystery. While she may not be able to help the victims, she may be able to help their families gain closure by finding the killer. Also, I guess the, more obvious, route to take would have been to write a chapter connecting one of the ten commandments to another victim. However, you chose a different direction in going after the killer and I thought it was a great direction to take with the potential to be much more interesting and thought provoking down the line!

There were lots of little things in this story that bothered me alot. Honey mentioned this but her name is not Aldra. You used Mona instead of Nona in the second paragraph. In the second part of the story you used Nona instead of Aldra/Adara "Ten clients later Nona was finished for the day." Another time you used Nora instead of Nona. "“Talk to me Nora.”"It was little things like that that really distracted me from the story. The first part of the story wasn't as strong as the dream sequence. I felt that the dream sequence brought new light to the story and helped reader's get an understanding of where the killer came from.

This is to Honeygloom: Nona is actually the first murder, I think (she definitely wasn't the last). I thought the same thing but I asked Persephonie and the adultress is the 10th. You have to read the story carefully to realize that the vision was of the last murder (the adultress) not Nona's murder.

Ug! You're totally right. I went back and re-read. I apologize for the oversight Powerfulpen. It doesn't change my vote though, I'm sticking by the fact that I thought the references to nine, while interesting, were overdone.

Forgive me for not editing well enough. I too realized after I published the story that I made typhos with nona/nora. It should be Nona. The enneagram is a psychologically based theory used by mental health professionals to guage the mental health of individuals on a spectrum. The use of Dante's nine levels of hell has to do with the end and the three headed dog who is Cerebrus the dog who guards hell. The doctor mentioned in the story is Cerebrus spelled backwards which I thought later in the story we could connect the killer to the doctor. All of this was used to set the stage for later development of the story. Thanks for the feedback.

You are right. It should say adara. This is useful feedback. Thank you.

You wrote a powerful second chapter that connected very well with the lead chapter and developed the Adara character quite well. I really like the references to the significance of the number nine, but shouldn't it be ten? There are or will be ten murders to match the 10 commandments, maybe si or maybe no? LOL
So, let me also say that although everyone makes typo's and everyone makes a grammatical error somewhere in the stories posted here, it is really difficult to overlook misusage of character names. It is very distracting. My tip, of course, it to proofread and double check names, places, etc. They are very important to story continuations.
Hey...overall...good job and I voted you 4 points!

powerfulpen~ intense chapter!
What I liked was your descriptive imagery. You pulled me into the storyline and I felt it. Your writing style flows and you carried the action nicely. I absolutely loved the ending dream sequence showing our murderer as a child. Brilliant. I think you really took a different approach to how many assumed this storyline would develop and for that I applaud you. Way to be creative!
I took issue with the name inconsistencies. I try not to read other comments before posting my own, but I wanted to see if others felt as distracted by it as I was. Normally something like this wouldn’t be so bad, you catch these things during editing. However when posting to a SM contest, it is assumed you will do that editing yourself. I recommend that after writing your chapter, you set it aside for a few days and then go back and read it with a set of fresh eyes. Inconsistencies like changing the names, will JUMP right out at you. Also, let a friend read it. They may see something you don’t.
Lastly, take advantage of the posting process on SM. Put it out there and don’t publish it. Allow people to review it for a few days and comment before you actually post it. Of course it won’t accumulate any votes, but you may get some great feedback that helps you edit. Enough of that. It was distracting but I wont allow it to detract from my vote.
I found I was a bit put off by Adaras reading of Nona’s file. While I thought it was written wonderfully, it didn’t make sense to me how Adara could have gotten so much great descriptive detail out of it. It starts here…“On a hot and humid Wednesday in late…” Was she able to close her eyes and see this in her head? Could have been explained that way. Otherwise, I find it hard to swallow that the good Dr. Surberec wrote it down exactly like that during their sessions.
Again it was a great read and I wouldn’t want the chapter to lose Nonas backstory…but it needs to be somehow explained better.
Lastly was the changing of POV from 1st to 3rd. This is the second chapter I’ve read that has done that. Continuity.
I vote a four. Would have been 4.5 if possible.

Thank you for the critique. I have found your comments extremely useful for future works. I agree with your comment about the case file. I needed to work that out in a different way. Again, I really appreciate the constructive criticism. It will help me grow as a wrtier.

Again, I thought the symbolic religious references were key. The whole dream was meant to be more symbolic than based in reality. As a pshycologist, she WOULD apply commen sense to the viewing of the files, yes, but her personal experiences would add another dimension to work with...bringing religion and the supernatural into play. I believe you have picked up on this very well. From the judges viewpoint, we are suppose to ignore the mis-spells and typos and general editing, and I think we all got the jest of what you were trying to convey, nitpicking aside.

I'm going to have to agree with some of the others...just too many typos in this one. A simple proofread would have worked all of that out. The concept was good, although as soon as I saw Dante's Inferno my inner monologue screamed "Seven!" You worked it out though, and moved away from that. I saw some of the confusion over "Nona" and the number 9. Good old Wikipedia revealed that it refers to a Roman fertility thing with the gods and all that. And Nona's the ninth mother or something, but nobody posted the whole mythology yet, so it was only two sentences long. Anyway, a good read, but sometimes confusing due to typos.

Much like many have said already, i liked your research (and fictionalization) of the importance of the number 9 in nona's life. what is slightly confusing, tho, is all of the information that adara gleans is second- or third-hand (she is reading things in the file that probably would never be in the file -- e.g., the little boy's eyes being as black as onyx). Wondered if there's some way to incorporate more of the story into the present so that adara can experience it firsthand -- or at least someone telling her (maybe a relative of nona's), so we don't feel quite so removed?

I agree with the comments. I am glad to get the feedback. This is useful inforomation to incorporate.

I have some great and some not-so-great feedback for you.

First, I noticed that you wrote this entire story in the third person point of view, when the first chapter was written in the first person point of view. This threw me for a loop. In the future, you may want to make sure to pay attention to these sorts of details to ensure that the chapters flow together seamlessly.

All of the connections to the number nine were awesome! Very interesting. I think that could go in a fascinating direction...

Instead of giving a play-by-play of what happened when Nona witnessed the violent beatings of her neighbors', I think that time would have been better used for plot and character development. A summary of the incident would have been enough, in my opinion.

"Aldra's heat and eyes were poised for a response"--this sentence threw me off--typo, maybe?

I loved the transition from our main character in her living room to her vision of the young boy. Also, when the young boy started reciting the Ten Commandments, I literally got goosebumps--awesome. Are we seeing one of the people who may get murdered, or is this our murderer? There are many different ways this could go.

The dialogue throughout the chapter seemed a little robotic-sounding. When writing dialogue, try reading it out loud to yourself and see if it sounds as natural as you mean for it to be.

Overall, great job! You wrote a good continuing chapter, and I think it has a lot of potential.

I must agree with many of the good things said about your chapter. Especially the praise for taking it in an unexpected and fascinating direction. The emphasis on your research into nine escapes me a bit, but it is interesting. I hope I am right in seeing your telling of Nona’s story as more Adara’s perception of what the previous doctor has written, not exactly what is in the file. You do a good job of transitioning from the facts, into Adara interpreting them, into simply telling the story. Works smoothly.

I have to agree that there is a limit to how many writing mistakes can be overlooked, especially misuse and misspelling of character names. Also, you have most of the chapter in third person, the leap only at the very end back to the original chapter’s first person.

The dream sequence was especially well introduced, with Adara hearing the voice and following the scent as instructed. I would have like to see a little bit of transition from that into her watching the boy, with him unaware of her. The whole abusive sequence made me shudder, which I say as praise.

The first part reads rather dryly, to me, largely just a statement of facts and too much going into the nine connection. If nine was meant to be that important, shouldn’t Nona have been the ninth victim? (I know, not your doing, but you make me think of it by going into nine so much.)

Oh, and the three-headed dog guarding the gates of Hades is Cerberus, not Cerebrus. I really liked the interaction between Adara and the Hellhound, but I feel like it was maybe cut a little short.

While you definitely need to practice the craft as well as the art of writing, and proofread, your contribution to this story is excellent.

Thanks to all for your feedback. This has been so enlightening for me. Your suggestions, critiques and observations are extremely helpful. Here's to you for giving up your time and caring enough to share your wisdom, experience and talent.